A man came one night. A friend, Ma said. He took the firearm that had shot Mr. Harris and left another one to become "Da's gun."
These sentences didn't seem to have any relevance to the story. Maybe I missed it. Unlike the sentence about Ma in the Army in the first chapter, this one didn't have anything to connect it with the story. Seemed like a fact just stuck in the story with no real reason.
However, in that same sentence I did like that you said the firearm shot Mr. Harris instead of putting the weight of the action on the character.
When he was older, he thought about her, and wondered if she took him with her that night so that his life would have a change then too; so that he and Murphy would be changed together. I liked this sentence because many authors have a hard time with this. Many people might write, "His mother did that for this reason," whereas you kept it in Conner's point of view by making it a question, an idea that he came up with. Nicely put
( ... )
It was meant to show that they held the family (and their missing father)in high respect, but Ma wasnt fool enough to keep a gun with a murder on it in the house.
Also, at the time I was playing around with doing a short story set in this world at a later date, where that guy would be somebody. So you're right, it is sort of out of place. Im amazed that you caught that.
"It was meant to show that they held the family (and their missing father)in high respect, but Ma wasnt fool enough to keep a gun with a murder on it in the house."
It did exactly as you hoped it would. It added to the milieu, just another detail that makes the story real. It wasn't out of place at all. I actually thought it was rather brilliant for its nonchalance. Imparting pertinent information while readers think it's a mere detail. It's cleverly hidden setting exposition.
And you are wonderful. Two chappies in and I'm hooked.
Comments 3
These sentences didn't seem to have any relevance to the story. Maybe I missed it. Unlike the sentence about Ma in the Army in the first chapter, this one didn't have anything to connect it with the story. Seemed like a fact just stuck in the story with no real reason.
However, in that same sentence I did like that you said the firearm shot Mr. Harris instead of putting the weight of the action on the character.
When he was older, he thought about her, and wondered if she took him with her that night so that his life would have a change then too; so that he and Murphy would be changed together. I liked this sentence because many authors have a hard time with this. Many people might write, "His mother did that for this reason," whereas you kept it in Conner's point of view by making it a question, an idea that he came up with. Nicely put ( ... )
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Also, at the time I was playing around with doing a short story set in this world at a later date, where that guy would be somebody. So you're right, it is sort of out of place. Im amazed that you caught that.
Heh. I'm sure Murphy remembered that shock.
Reply
It did exactly as you hoped it would. It added to the milieu, just another detail that makes the story real. It wasn't out of place at all. I actually thought it was rather brilliant for its nonchalance. Imparting pertinent information while readers think it's a mere detail. It's cleverly hidden setting exposition.
And you are wonderful. Two chappies in and I'm hooked.
Love,
Julie-Rae
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