He had a hard time concentrating without Murphy's presence. He felt clumsy. He made mistakes. He...
Connor cursed and got off the bus. Three stops past home.
This was clever. I liked how you stuck the second bit in there to emphasise the truth of his thoughts.
The rage and the confused emotions from Conner was very well written. I could see it in my head. The world slipping sideways, not knowing how he got to the end of the alley, it was very vivid.
I also liked the phrase "world slipping sideways".
Poor Conner. I don't know what I would do if I saw my brother or sister in a situation like that, then to be told the man paid for it? Wow I would probably throw up too.
You stayed consistently in Conner's POV this time.
wow. holy hell. that was amazing. aside from the buzz i'm on, due to the shock, i gotta tell you i love the way this is written. it's exactly throught the eyes of connor, the wording is how a young boy would word it. very, very well done. whew! *fans self*
One of the challenges of this piece was showing the growth of a person over such a long period of time. 17 years and more. I've written fics as long as this one, but they usually covered a few weeks of a character's life.
Connor at this point was the "man of the house," and felt this heavy weight of the responsibility, but he was innocent too.
Comments 5
Connor cursed and got off the bus. Three stops past home.
This was clever. I liked how you stuck the second bit in there to emphasise the truth of his thoughts.
The rage and the confused emotions from Conner was very well written. I could see it in my head. The world slipping sideways, not knowing how he got to the end of the alley, it was very vivid.
I also liked the phrase "world slipping sideways".
Poor Conner. I don't know what I would do if I saw my brother or sister in a situation like that, then to be told the man paid for it? Wow I would probably throw up too.
You stayed consistently in Conner's POV this time.
Well written.
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that was amazing. aside from the buzz i'm on, due to the shock, i gotta tell you i love the way this is written. it's exactly throught the eyes of connor, the wording is how a young boy would word it.
very, very well done.
whew!
*fans self*
Reply
One of the challenges of this piece was showing the growth of a person over such a long period of time. 17 years and more. I've written fics as long as this one, but they usually covered a few weeks of a character's life.
Connor at this point was the "man of the house," and felt this heavy weight of the responsibility, but he was innocent too.
Thanks so much for reviewing.
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