Barbies
today has been a day from Hell....so, instead of bitching about it, i will post this:
Mattel recently announced the release of Limited-Edition Barbie dolls for the Arizona market:
Scottsdale Barbie-This princess Barbie is only sold at Scottsdale Fashion Square. She comes with an assortment of Gucci handbags, a 3-series BMW, Oversized Dior Sunglasses & a long-haired foreign lapdog named Honey. She lives in a semi-custom dream house with a saguaro Cactus in front. She comes standard with cocaine problem & bikini for her favorite hobby crashing the pool @ local resorts. You can find her 3-4 times a week in Old Town drinking Red-Bull Vodkas. Available with or without Boob Job & Botox. Her assortment of Sugar-Daddy Kens come standard with Stripped Long-Sleeved Button up & Mercedes S-430 with emblems removed.
Chandler Barbie-This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Lexus SUV hybrid and matching gym suit. She comes with 2 beautiful children and way-to-hot nanny. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately. Available at Chandler Mall spending all of her husbands money.
Apache Junction Barbie-This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, bowie knife, a 78 El Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth-lab kit. This model is Only available after dark and can only be bought with cash, preferably small bills, unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.
Ahwatukee Barbie-This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or HummerH2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card set, and country Club membership. Also available are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. Ahwatukee Barbie hasn't been affordable since the early 80's.
Mesa Barbie-This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a classic Metallica shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. Wants to major in NASCAR at MCC. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Available at Ross.
El Mirage Barbie-This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Mesa Barbie's (discontinued) house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip-gloss, and a see-through halter-top. Comes with Barbie's dream doublewide trailer. Available at Wal-Mart. Cheap.
Sedona Barbie-This collagen injected, rhinoplastic (nose job) Barbie wears leopard print spandex, and drinks cosmopolitans to new age music with friends at the lodge. She's into crystals. Comes with Percocet prescription and two alimony checks. Also cheap.
Phoenix Barbie-This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a G.E.D. and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his '79 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.
Flagstaff Barbie-This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow." She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Flagstaff Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free.
Gilbert Barbie-Is pregnant, drives a new Ford Excursion and is perfect in every way. Volenteers 4 times a week at the Church of Jesus Christ of Ladder day Saints. We don't know who Ken is because he's always away hunting or in Japan on business. Gilbert Barbie aspires to become Scottsdale Barbie. Not cheap, but still very naive.
Tucson Barbie-Into basketball and marijuana. Dropped out of PCC. Does nothing but complain about Phoenix Barbie.
Guadalupe Barbie-This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with three babies in the back, without car seats. This is the only Barbie who is willing to do manual labor. Ken comes in a meat-packer's uniform and is missing three fingers on his left hand. Green cards are not yet available for Guadalupe Barbie or Ken. Available at Food City.
Van Buren Barbie-This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the "snap-on" parts.
Sun City Barbie-These dolls are going fast! Well, what we mean is they're old and don't have much time left. Both write checks for everything or pay in change, and can provide hours of endless repetitive conversation about "The good ol' days." Drives a golf cart, signals right to turn left. Can be seen in Barbie Grocery Store (sold separately) arguing over prices Available at the doctor's office.
Glendale/Arrowhead Barbie - owns mini van or SUV bearing vanity plates and the CCV and multiple "my kid is (pick any NUMBER of wonderful adjectives)" stickers, lives in Tuscan or Santa Fe style-home with 2.5 children, one dog, one cat (optional), Ken works as a police officer/firefighter/realtor/construction supervisor. Arrowhead Barbie is fit and fashionable but frugal (she does, after all, help to pay the mortgage), she works outside the home AND in the home, hosts small groups and monthly gatherings of friends and family, does not know how to form the word "no" on her lips and comes with bruise permanently tattooed on forehead from banging head against the wall in frustration because her plate is far too full!
and last, but CERTAINLY NOT LEAST -
Tempe Barbie - loves booze, Einstein's bagels, and shorts with stuff written across the ass. is experiencing way to much life to have a ken doll, a clean apartment, or job that starts before noon. is probably late for class right now, cuz she cant remember where she parked her white 2001 civic coupe. Comes in two models. Light blonde and dark blonde. thinks she saw P. Diddy at Fat Tuesdays last weekend.
Mattel recently announced the release of Limited-Edition Barbie dolls for the Arizona market:
Scottsdale Barbie-This princess Barbie is only sold at Scottsdale Fashion Square. She comes with an assortment of Gucci handbags, a 3-series BMW, Oversized Dior Sunglasses & a long-haired foreign lapdog named Honey. She lives in a semi-custom dream house with a saguaro Cactus in front. She comes standard with cocaine problem & bikini for her favorite hobby crashing the pool @ local resorts. You can find her 3-4 times a week in Old Town drinking Red-Bull Vodkas. Available with or without Boob Job & Botox. Her assortment of Sugar-Daddy Kens come standard with Stripped Long-Sleeved Button up & Mercedes S-430 with emblems removed.
Chandler Barbie-This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Lexus SUV hybrid and matching gym suit. She comes with 2 beautiful children and way-to-hot nanny. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately. Available at Chandler Mall spending all of her husbands money.
Apache Junction Barbie-This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, bowie knife, a 78 El Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth-lab kit. This model is Only available after dark and can only be bought with cash, preferably small bills, unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.
Ahwatukee Barbie-This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or HummerH2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card set, and country Club membership. Also available are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. Ahwatukee Barbie hasn't been affordable since the early 80's.
Mesa Barbie-This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a classic Metallica shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. Wants to major in NASCAR at MCC. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Available at Ross.
El Mirage Barbie-This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Mesa Barbie's (discontinued) house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip-gloss, and a see-through halter-top. Comes with Barbie's dream doublewide trailer. Available at Wal-Mart. Cheap.
Sedona Barbie-This collagen injected, rhinoplastic (nose job) Barbie wears leopard print spandex, and drinks cosmopolitans to new age music with friends at the lodge. She's into crystals. Comes with Percocet prescription and two alimony checks. Also cheap.
Phoenix Barbie-This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a G.E.D. and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his '79 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.
Flagstaff Barbie-This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow." She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Flagstaff Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free.
Gilbert Barbie-Is pregnant, drives a new Ford Excursion and is perfect in every way. Volenteers 4 times a week at the Church of Jesus Christ of Ladder day Saints. We don't know who Ken is because he's always away hunting or in Japan on business. Gilbert Barbie aspires to become Scottsdale Barbie. Not cheap, but still very naive.
Tucson Barbie-Into basketball and marijuana. Dropped out of PCC. Does nothing but complain about Phoenix Barbie.
Guadalupe Barbie-This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with three babies in the back, without car seats. This is the only Barbie who is willing to do manual labor. Ken comes in a meat-packer's uniform and is missing three fingers on his left hand. Green cards are not yet available for Guadalupe Barbie or Ken. Available at Food City.
Van Buren Barbie-This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the "snap-on" parts.
Sun City Barbie-These dolls are going fast! Well, what we mean is they're old and don't have much time left. Both write checks for everything or pay in change, and can provide hours of endless repetitive conversation about "The good ol' days." Drives a golf cart, signals right to turn left. Can be seen in Barbie Grocery Store (sold separately) arguing over prices Available at the doctor's office.
Glendale/Arrowhead Barbie - owns mini van or SUV bearing vanity plates and the CCV and multiple "my kid is (pick any NUMBER of wonderful adjectives)" stickers, lives in Tuscan or Santa Fe style-home with 2.5 children, one dog, one cat (optional), Ken works as a police officer/firefighter/realtor/construction supervisor. Arrowhead Barbie is fit and fashionable but frugal (she does, after all, help to pay the mortgage), she works outside the home AND in the home, hosts small groups and monthly gatherings of friends and family, does not know how to form the word "no" on her lips and comes with bruise permanently tattooed on forehead from banging head against the wall in frustration because her plate is far too full!
and last, but CERTAINLY NOT LEAST -
Tempe Barbie - loves booze, Einstein's bagels, and shorts with stuff written across the ass. is experiencing way to much life to have a ken doll, a clean apartment, or job that starts before noon. is probably late for class right now, cuz she cant remember where she parked her white 2001 civic coupe. Comes in two models. Light blonde and dark blonde. thinks she saw P. Diddy at Fat Tuesdays last weekend.