things that are better than anxiety
Personal mental health rambles ahead.
I've been getting a lot of compliments on my weight loss recently, since I'm seeing people who I haven't in a while (they're coming for the wedding). I expect I'll get more.
I hope I don't.
Please, if you see me, don't mention my weight.
Over the past year+, I've lost over 20 pounds. What's the "secret" of my weight loss? Strict portion control. I have not cheated since spring 2011. I can't cheat. The consequences are terrible. They make me wish I was dead because it would be better than feeling so sick.
I have an anxiety disorder. My body expresses anxiety through my stomach. I can't eat when I'm stressed. Even when I'm not stressed, my stomach has been so damaged that 1) I need to take a strong prescription antacid every day, and 2) it's impossible for me to eat more than a cup of food at a time, even on my best days. On my bad days, I can barely manage a nibble of toast and a sip of water and I just want to die, I feel so awful. I know, logically, that the feeling will pass and I will feel better. On my good days, I'm confident and optimistic that eventually things will go back to how they were before and I won't have to eat off the smallest plate in the house and carry antacids with me everywhere I go and be constantly afraid that I'll screw up one of the myriad of things that could make me miserable for the next 48 hours.
If I could get rid of my anxiety completely, and go back to how I was before, never needing Xanax, never being depressed for no reason, not needing my therapist, not feeling multiple times a week that I wish I had never been born, I would trade for any of the following:
1. I would gain back double the weight I've lost (I would top 200 pounds).
2. I would never watch Star Trek again.
3. I would never watch Sherlock again.
4. Fuck, I would never watch another TV show or movie.
5. I would never participate in Internet fandom again.
6. I would have thyroid cancer again. (Cancer was ... not a walk in the park, maybe a 20-mile bike ride, compared to this. This is climbing Mount Everest right after swimming there from Australia, without a wetsuit.)
7. I would give up alcohol, coffee, tea, AND chocolate. As it is, alcohol and coffee are things of the past.
8. I would never eat pre-packaged food; I would cook EVERYTHING myself from scratch.
9. I would give up my dream career and teach freshman Chemistry until I'm 70 because I know I'll have to work that long to save enough for retirement.
10. I would give up all the wonderful friends I have. You guys, this is how bad it is. I would rather be lonely and healthy than keep living this way.
11. I would give up my legs.
12. I would give up my right arm.
13. I would give up my vision.
14. I would give up music.
If it meant I never had to feel like this again.
I've been getting a lot of compliments on my weight loss recently, since I'm seeing people who I haven't in a while (they're coming for the wedding). I expect I'll get more.
I hope I don't.
Please, if you see me, don't mention my weight.
Over the past year+, I've lost over 20 pounds. What's the "secret" of my weight loss? Strict portion control. I have not cheated since spring 2011. I can't cheat. The consequences are terrible. They make me wish I was dead because it would be better than feeling so sick.
I have an anxiety disorder. My body expresses anxiety through my stomach. I can't eat when I'm stressed. Even when I'm not stressed, my stomach has been so damaged that 1) I need to take a strong prescription antacid every day, and 2) it's impossible for me to eat more than a cup of food at a time, even on my best days. On my bad days, I can barely manage a nibble of toast and a sip of water and I just want to die, I feel so awful. I know, logically, that the feeling will pass and I will feel better. On my good days, I'm confident and optimistic that eventually things will go back to how they were before and I won't have to eat off the smallest plate in the house and carry antacids with me everywhere I go and be constantly afraid that I'll screw up one of the myriad of things that could make me miserable for the next 48 hours.
If I could get rid of my anxiety completely, and go back to how I was before, never needing Xanax, never being depressed for no reason, not needing my therapist, not feeling multiple times a week that I wish I had never been born, I would trade for any of the following:
1. I would gain back double the weight I've lost (I would top 200 pounds).
2. I would never watch Star Trek again.
3. I would never watch Sherlock again.
4. Fuck, I would never watch another TV show or movie.
5. I would never participate in Internet fandom again.
6. I would have thyroid cancer again. (Cancer was ... not a walk in the park, maybe a 20-mile bike ride, compared to this. This is climbing Mount Everest right after swimming there from Australia, without a wetsuit.)
7. I would give up alcohol, coffee, tea, AND chocolate. As it is, alcohol and coffee are things of the past.
8. I would never eat pre-packaged food; I would cook EVERYTHING myself from scratch.
9. I would give up my dream career and teach freshman Chemistry until I'm 70 because I know I'll have to work that long to save enough for retirement.
10. I would give up all the wonderful friends I have. You guys, this is how bad it is. I would rather be lonely and healthy than keep living this way.
11. I would give up my legs.
12. I would give up my right arm.
13. I would give up my vision.
14. I would give up music.
If it meant I never had to feel like this again.