(no subject)
Title: And Drown Her Past Regrets
Pairing: Don/Rachel
Rating: PG-15 for implied sexuality
Notes: For Miranda (snapdragonrose)
She’d always thought it was at least part instinct- Marriage, she means and once she had a ring on her finger, all those things her mother said and did and was would kick in and hey presto! Rachel Menken would be the perfect Jewish wife, her brief period of rebellion (independence), forgiven and forgotten.
For a time, perhaps her theory works. She isn’t naïve anymore, Mr. Draper and she isn’t the sort of girl that holds a candle. Haven’t you heard? She isn’t Rachel Menken, anymore, she’s a Mrs. ; the sort with tea cups and white picket fences and plans for nurseries and love is thing of the past and she’s trying her hand at settling. She gives the keys of the store back to Dad and for a time, she thinks, by God, she’s done it.
A time doesn’t last very long.
-
It’s a roof top. A big lavish one filled with people but a rooftop none the less, so the cliché- eyes-across-a-crowded-room, feels right and she lets herself return his smile but she looks away too quick.
She’s demure, now and she spies his amusement through the sweep of her lashes.
It takes him all of three minutes to work his way over to her and “Ms. Menken.”
“Actually, it’s-“
“I know.” He’s abrupt, curt and this twists her lips her lips into a little smirk. She’s a woman- still capable of triumph.
Betty isn’t on his arm today and nor is one of his many mistress. He looks almost lonely, hair slicked to one side as always but the bite in his voice is gone and there is something she can’t identify in its place.
“You closed the store.” Softly as he says this, it’s an accusation and like a button’s been pressed all that pent up spirit is rising back to the surface to hit him where it hurts.
They talk and it’s easy- he still takes bait and she still sounds more sensible than any woman he’s ever known before, so when his hand finds its way to the small of her back, leading her into the powder room, neither of them is surprised.
“This won’t happen again.” It’s a whisper, a lie caressing his lips when his hips slam in her own, and he is confident enough to laugh, low and guttural from the exertion. She bites his lip hard and she doesn’t stop hurting him when he yelps.
“Good bye, Don.” The tenderness is fleeting.
She meant what she said.
-
At the time. She meant what she said at the time that she said it and obviously she doesn’t now, not when she’s in a cab to Don’s hotel.
Her minds flits back to a week ago and “I won’t be one of the many.” His fingers are playing with the buttons of her dress and it’s a bit of futile argument but she’s Rachel not Betty and this is something she had to say.
“You’re not,” he said and he’s still the best damn liar she’s ever known and she lets him sell her a dream- it’s sordid and it’s dark and once upon a time, this girl could never have been her. It is now, though.
She cannot decide why she loves him.
-
When Betty Draper has her third child, Rachel breaks her only rule. She cries over Don Draper and she feels like a damn fool.
He comes to her that night, the happiness in his eyes feels like betrayal but when he crushes his lips against hers- letting her feel his pure unadulterated bliss, she knows she has something Betty will never have.
She has his mind, every single crevice of it- to view, to pry and to fill with her thought and sometimes, she thinks, this is more than an affair.
Naive, he called her, the first time they met.
She still is.
-
Tilden Katz, she thinks, is not a bad man. He is not a bad man- a good one even, whereas Don’s moral compass seems to be missing a needle.
She doesn’t think of him often, not even when they’re in bed and his face is looming over hers as they copulate and she can’t even bring herself to concentrate on his face.
She’s told him she got a job in the city- Bendels or somewhere and it’s a reason for her late nights, her mysterious trips to Manhattan and it explains away the hint of musk on her blouse when she kisses him in the evenings.
He accepts it, because in addition to being a not-bad-man, Tilden Katz is also a simple one.
There are days that she hates this about him. Because truthfully? Sleeping with Don doesn’t feel any different from the way that it did the first time around and the ring on her finger, may as well not be there. She’s getting good at this cheating thing.
Maybe her father was right. She ought to have been born a boy.
The first time she had an affair with Don Draper, she was scared her father wouldn’t approve of her relationship with a non Jewish man. Her husband, she thinks, would also be less offended if Don was a Jew.
-
They don’t like hotel rooms so he buys them a place in the city. Close to Sterling Cooper and it more like home than her husband’s house does.
Don catches her around the waist and carries her over the threshold. It feels just like the first time and she’s realizes she’s never been happier. Rachel Menken wishes she didn’t have a conscience.
-
It doesn’t last forever. Sidelong glances, covert trips to their own little apartment and it’s all got to end sometime.
She can only tempt fate for so long. Eventually, even Rachel Menken gets pregnant.
She weighs her options carefully- another three month cruise and a wire hanger.
Or a Jewish Draper- the first of it’s kind.
-
At the end of the day, it’s not that a hard choice. Don ate a little of her heart (and perhaps that’s why she can do this) but three months later, New York will still beckon.
New York will wait. Tilden Katz is bound to wait.
She won’t let herself worry about the rest, just yet.