(no subject)
Yeah, so...depression. It's not just sadness. It doesn't have to be sadness. It is not sadness right now.
It's executive dysfunction. Paralysis of energy/willpower.
I Need To Get Shhh Done, and I have no mental oomph-juice.
The harshest thing for me to deal with right now in my life is the fact I have no one I can lean on. Yes, my roomies are nice; we get along great; I love my cousin and her husband, etc, etc, ad nauseam...but I cannot LEAN on them. They lean on each other. They have each other. There is no room for another. I have no one.
I have no one to remind me to do things (without asking my mother to call me, and I only ask her to do that for things we're doing together).
I have no one who can pick up the slack when I am exhausted inside.
I have no one with whom I can just HUG for as long as it takes to feel better. I always feel like I'm an awful clingy greedy needy fuckshit if I ask for a hug longer than 20 seconds (or even longer than 10-15 seconds), even though it's been proven in clinical trials that AFTER the first 30 seconds, your body starts releasing stress and the longer you can go on hugging and being hugged by someone you trust, the better you will feel. Literally, the healthier and better you will be.
And I don't have that. I don't have anyone I can do that with.
I have people who will tolerate a longer hug than 10s...but that just isn't the same, because the moment I sense that they're just tolerating my presence, the guilt shitstorms all over me. And I can't take that, either.
So I'm fucked, I can't hug anyone for as long as I truly need.
I'm looking at scraping up the money and the gas to go to a Cuddle Party. It's kinda sad when, despite having a lot of otherwise loving and caring friends, I have to consider paying $25 or whatever to pay someone to cuddle with me. Just platonically cuddle for as long as is needed. Unless they get weirded out, which they probably will, in which case fuck me.
So, yeah. Just needed to get this into words, so I could cry it out. Crying releases stress, too, supposedly.
I hate crying.
I'd rather hug.
There's a lump in my throat that physically hurts to breathe through. Like a charlie horse of the throat. Tipping my head back and opening my mouth helps a little, as does tilting my head side to side.
Okay, lump gone, or mostly gone in the way a charlie horse always leaves a faint ghost-echo.
...That would make a very odd short story title. Ghost-Echoes of the Charlie Horse'd Larynx.
Yeah...I'm feeling a little bit of the aftermath of a cry. It wasn't enough to release a lot of stress, but it was enough to make me feel tired.
I used to MAKE myself cry, on a semi-regular basis. I'd read the saddest parts of stories, I'd think of horribly sad stories in my head, and I'd just have a crying session. I think it kept me somewhat healthy? But...I haven't done that in years. I think it would be good, if I could scrape up the energy for it, but...I don't have the energy to throw my own pity party.
Even if that sounds like I'm trying to throw myself a pity-party, I honestly don't have enough energy for it. I kinda wish I did.
I think if I went to a Cuddle Party, I might end up crying. That might make people uncomfortable, but part of me just doesn't give a fuck. It'd be something. It'd be major stress relief. I might end up so exhausted I should probably take along someone else who can do the driving for me, except...
Y'know...
Except for the fact I don't have anyone.
The other source of stress is still the drainpipe spiral of my finances...but so far, the mortgage refinance seems to be going good, and the county tax assessor dude sent a notice that my house is now worth $40k more than I paid for it initially...which isn't bad, but I sunk $35k into the roof, $4 into the garden, $4k into redoing the walkway, $3k into the south garage wall siding...plus $4k in new heaters and ventilation fans and the water heater replacement... But still, if things go titward financially and I have to sell the house, I SHOULD be able to get more than even the refinanced mortgage costs, which means I should be able to afford to pay off the mortgage and the taxes...without killing me. Maybe.
Throat still has an echo of that charlie-horse lump.
Wish I knew of a safe sad movie I could watch.
Still need to get shhh done. Drinking iced tea is helping. I kinda hate being dependent on caffeine to function, but it's safer ('cause it's unsweetened) than carb-binging, now that I'm fuckin' diabetic.
I'll just slump here in a puddle until I'm tired enough to go to bedtime. And maybe watch some conspiracy-theory bullshittery on YouTube. That's always good for a scifi/fantasy laugh. It's work. It inspires me with possible ideas for stories. So it's legitimately work. Right?
~Lotm
It's executive dysfunction. Paralysis of energy/willpower.
I Need To Get Shhh Done, and I have no mental oomph-juice.
The harshest thing for me to deal with right now in my life is the fact I have no one I can lean on. Yes, my roomies are nice; we get along great; I love my cousin and her husband, etc, etc, ad nauseam...but I cannot LEAN on them. They lean on each other. They have each other. There is no room for another. I have no one.
I have no one to remind me to do things (without asking my mother to call me, and I only ask her to do that for things we're doing together).
I have no one who can pick up the slack when I am exhausted inside.
I have no one with whom I can just HUG for as long as it takes to feel better. I always feel like I'm an awful clingy greedy needy fuckshit if I ask for a hug longer than 20 seconds (or even longer than 10-15 seconds), even though it's been proven in clinical trials that AFTER the first 30 seconds, your body starts releasing stress and the longer you can go on hugging and being hugged by someone you trust, the better you will feel. Literally, the healthier and better you will be.
And I don't have that. I don't have anyone I can do that with.
I have people who will tolerate a longer hug than 10s...but that just isn't the same, because the moment I sense that they're just tolerating my presence, the guilt shitstorms all over me. And I can't take that, either.
So I'm fucked, I can't hug anyone for as long as I truly need.
I'm looking at scraping up the money and the gas to go to a Cuddle Party. It's kinda sad when, despite having a lot of otherwise loving and caring friends, I have to consider paying $25 or whatever to pay someone to cuddle with me. Just platonically cuddle for as long as is needed. Unless they get weirded out, which they probably will, in which case fuck me.
So, yeah. Just needed to get this into words, so I could cry it out. Crying releases stress, too, supposedly.
I hate crying.
I'd rather hug.
There's a lump in my throat that physically hurts to breathe through. Like a charlie horse of the throat. Tipping my head back and opening my mouth helps a little, as does tilting my head side to side.
Okay, lump gone, or mostly gone in the way a charlie horse always leaves a faint ghost-echo.
...That would make a very odd short story title. Ghost-Echoes of the Charlie Horse'd Larynx.
Yeah...I'm feeling a little bit of the aftermath of a cry. It wasn't enough to release a lot of stress, but it was enough to make me feel tired.
I used to MAKE myself cry, on a semi-regular basis. I'd read the saddest parts of stories, I'd think of horribly sad stories in my head, and I'd just have a crying session. I think it kept me somewhat healthy? But...I haven't done that in years. I think it would be good, if I could scrape up the energy for it, but...I don't have the energy to throw my own pity party.
Even if that sounds like I'm trying to throw myself a pity-party, I honestly don't have enough energy for it. I kinda wish I did.
I think if I went to a Cuddle Party, I might end up crying. That might make people uncomfortable, but part of me just doesn't give a fuck. It'd be something. It'd be major stress relief. I might end up so exhausted I should probably take along someone else who can do the driving for me, except...
Y'know...
Except for the fact I don't have anyone.
The other source of stress is still the drainpipe spiral of my finances...but so far, the mortgage refinance seems to be going good, and the county tax assessor dude sent a notice that my house is now worth $40k more than I paid for it initially...which isn't bad, but I sunk $35k into the roof, $4 into the garden, $4k into redoing the walkway, $3k into the south garage wall siding...plus $4k in new heaters and ventilation fans and the water heater replacement... But still, if things go titward financially and I have to sell the house, I SHOULD be able to get more than even the refinanced mortgage costs, which means I should be able to afford to pay off the mortgage and the taxes...without killing me. Maybe.
Throat still has an echo of that charlie-horse lump.
Wish I knew of a safe sad movie I could watch.
Still need to get shhh done. Drinking iced tea is helping. I kinda hate being dependent on caffeine to function, but it's safer ('cause it's unsweetened) than carb-binging, now that I'm fuckin' diabetic.
I'll just slump here in a puddle until I'm tired enough to go to bedtime. And maybe watch some conspiracy-theory bullshittery on YouTube. That's always good for a scifi/fantasy laugh. It's work. It inspires me with possible ideas for stories. So it's legitimately work. Right?
~Lotm