Turns out the lady at the credit union misunderstood what the lady handling the paperwork at the current stage wanted. The paperwork lady actually called me to reassure me of what she wanted, AND confirmed my business model did not need a business license...as it currently stands.
Fortunately (in the same stressful way someone stealing my checking account routing numbers and stealing some of my money was a fortunate thing), since my business model is going to change, I WILL need a business license at that point, so I am filing for an LLC.
Publishing through a major publishing house, I never once touched any sales. (I even gave away my books for free!) But once I do the Cellworld thing, it'll be self-publishing, and THAT has Royalties B&O tax in my state...whatever the hell THAT is.
*Flop* So now I have to wait for the LLC to process, then get the UBI, then get things squared away, and warn my accountant of the changes to my business model. *moar flop*
But it's less stress and worry than I'd thought.