Lead the Way - Chapter 057 - We Need To Talk
The Americans left this morning and I got no sleep whatsoever. But the week was amazing, lots and lots of fun. Seems somehow fitting that I would share my favorite chapter of this fic with you today. Now it isn't my favorite because of its content (that comes later), but rather of how it's written. Feel free to express yourself when you're done, but don't forget that we're just halfway through this fic and that the end will be quite different :) I promised you a rosegarden.
Lead the Way - 057 - We Need To Talk
“We need to talk.” JJ put down her fork and looked at Emily. She had asked her out for dinner to discuss their work situation. It would be the first time that they worked together after JJ had told her that all she wanted was Emily.
So far Emily had not opened up to her. All they had shared was sex. No subtle attempt of her side had sufficed to hint Emily in the right direction. Asking her to go out in public, being patient, sharing her own secrets; nothing had worked so far. It was time to drop subtlety and get Emily to realize that there was more at play here.
If JJ was to jeopardize her reputation in the bureau, her co-worker’s respect for her, her family’s love she wanted it to mean more. For Henry’s sake. For her sake.
“We need to talk.” Emily put down her fork and looked at JJ. Ever since they had been out clubbing and Sara and Helena had forced her to admit to JJ that all women like her could ever have was meaningless sex, Emily had been waiting for the other shoe to drop.
JJ was the most wonderful person she had ever met. Beautiful, smart, caring, funny, eloquent, the list could be continued forever. More than anything in the world Emily wanted to be with her, to spend her life with her. However, she had learned more than once that she could not give what JJ deserved: a beautiful house with a white picket fence, a dog, 2.2 children and a long lasting relationship with someone who would love her forever.
Amélie had told her that such relationships could not exist between gay couples. Helena had shown her how to still get what she wanted. Sorina had proved them right.
“I like you. A lot.” It was true. She had known all along. She liked Emily more than she cared to admit. Somewhere deep down JJ knew that Emily liked her too, how much was irrelevant. She would take as much as she was given. Provided she was given at least a little.
More than once she had been in a relationship with a man who cared more deeply for her than she had for him. Each time had ended badly. She had never grown to love any of them. Finally the reason had shown itself. JJ was gay; had probably been longer than she had ever known. Who would have introduced her to a whole new world? Who, but Emily? For that alone she liked her.
“I like you. A lot.” It was true. She had known all along. Nevertheless, it didn’t change anything. Emily didn’t make the rules. She didn’t even apply them. They applied themselves. It was best to keep your heart locked away in a buried compartment somewhere in the back of your soul if you wanted to keep it from being broken. So she had learned. So she had done. So it was for JJ to realize.
Emily wouldn’t keep her. Emily wanted her to be happy. More than anything in the whole wide world and she would do anything and everything to guarantee her happiness, even if it meant living with a broken heart. JJ had found her secret stash, stolen her heart and was about to break it. There was nothing she could do.
“I want to know that you care enough to take the next step.” She felt sick. There it was. Her ultimatum. Commit to me or I’ll leave. JJ felt cheap and cruel. Emily deserved better than this. She deserved to be given time to grow into their relationship. After all, JJ knew that Emily had no experience when it came to serious relationships.
They had run out of time. Hotch knew about them, Morgan did too and it was only a matter of time before the rest of the team figured it out if they hadn’t already. JJ wanted to make sure that she risked her good name for something more than lust.
“I want to know that you care enough to take the next step.” She felt sick. There it was. The inevitable end. JJ would go home to… her detective probably. And she would go home to her empty home and changing sex partners. Emily felt sicker.
Why was life so cruel? What had she done to deserve a life without hope, love or warmth? It was futile to ponder this now. JJ deserved a clean cut; to know; to be released. Her grandfather had said once that there would be a day she loved someone so much she would let them go. She hadn’t believed him. The day was here.
“I’m sorry. I can’t.” So few words, so many consequences. Already JJ felt her heart break, tears behind her eyes. She would not cause a scene. She had liked the restaurant since the first time Emily had brought her here. She wanted to come again without feeling ashamed. Nobody needed to know that Emily had broken up with her. Nobody needed to know that she wasn’t good enough for her. JJ was already ashamed. She had wanted everything and ended up with nothing. She had been greedy instead of being grateful for what she already had. Insatiable.
Emily was not willing to give her more. Emily did not love her. Emily wanted her out.
“I’m sorry. I can’t.” So few words, so many consequences. Emily could see how JJ struggled with her answer. She wished she could explain to her why. Maybe she could find closure in knowing that it wasn’t her fault. That she hadn’t done anything wrong. That this was just the way things were.
Emily still felt sick. The words would not come to her. She struggled with her breathing when she saw JJ fight the tears. She wanted to reach across the table, grab her hand, hold her head, comfort her. She was the bearer of bad news. She was the reason for JJ’s broken heart. How was she supposed to fix it?
“I hope you’ll be happy some day.” Toneless but honest. Sad and hopeful. JJ knew Emily wanted her to be happy. Why then could she not see that Emily was the one person who could make her happier than she had ever been?
No one else had ever elicited so much love, longing and lust. No one but Emily could have gotten JJ to admit out loud that she wanted more. This woman had turned her world upside down and back up again. What would remain of her once so sheltered life? Would she be able to rebuild it?
“I hope you’ll be happy some day.” Toneless but honest. Sad and hopeful. Emily meant it. JJ deserved it. She couldn’t give it. It had to be that simple. It felt all wrong. Emily’s entire body screamed in agony, tried it’s best to tell her wrong. She did all she could to ignore it. This wasn’t about her. This was for JJ.
Anything for JJ. She had decided months ago that she would give everything even if it meant pain and suffering later on. She had kept word so far. Emily still felt sick. She just needed to keep it up until this was over. Then she would embrace the pain for 72 hours and build up her walls again in time to get back to the office.
“Thank you, for everything.” Seriously? Seriously. She just said that. Emily was always so polite but this was downright ridiculous. How was this supposed to ease anything? Or was it? JJ understood that Emily had meant to say: No hard feelings.
No of course not. She would be professional. At work she would find a way not to push Emily into a broom closet and kiss her. She would find a way not to reach over her desk and stab her with a letter opener. She would be professional. Give compartmentalization a try. No hard feelings. No feelings at all.
“Thank you, for everything.” Seriously? Seriously. She just said that. She wished she hadn’t. Only God knew how JJ would interpret that. What she had meant to convey was that she had enjoyed their time together. That she would keep JJ in her heart forever. That she was sorry for taking advantage of JJ, not telling her sooner that their time was borrowed, let her in when she knew she had to kick her out eventually.
Nothing would be shown on the outside of course. Nobody would even notice. Maybe a gifted profiler would realize she was a little off, but that could be attributed to a number of things. Least of which was the break up with a member of the team. Only Garcia knew. She wouldn’t tell and Emily wouldn’t show.
Emily paid the bill and put JJ in a cab. She wasn’t sure she could drive that far. There was no hug, no kiss, no goodbye; nothing could be said, nothing could be done. They would need some time to get back into professional gear but eventually it would be just a memory. JJ had become her past. Emily ducked around the corner and threw up.
Lead the Way - 057 - We Need To Talk
“We need to talk.” JJ put down her fork and looked at Emily. She had asked her out for dinner to discuss their work situation. It would be the first time that they worked together after JJ had told her that all she wanted was Emily.
So far Emily had not opened up to her. All they had shared was sex. No subtle attempt of her side had sufficed to hint Emily in the right direction. Asking her to go out in public, being patient, sharing her own secrets; nothing had worked so far. It was time to drop subtlety and get Emily to realize that there was more at play here.
If JJ was to jeopardize her reputation in the bureau, her co-worker’s respect for her, her family’s love she wanted it to mean more. For Henry’s sake. For her sake.
“We need to talk.” Emily put down her fork and looked at JJ. Ever since they had been out clubbing and Sara and Helena had forced her to admit to JJ that all women like her could ever have was meaningless sex, Emily had been waiting for the other shoe to drop.
JJ was the most wonderful person she had ever met. Beautiful, smart, caring, funny, eloquent, the list could be continued forever. More than anything in the world Emily wanted to be with her, to spend her life with her. However, she had learned more than once that she could not give what JJ deserved: a beautiful house with a white picket fence, a dog, 2.2 children and a long lasting relationship with someone who would love her forever.
Amélie had told her that such relationships could not exist between gay couples. Helena had shown her how to still get what she wanted. Sorina had proved them right.
“I like you. A lot.” It was true. She had known all along. She liked Emily more than she cared to admit. Somewhere deep down JJ knew that Emily liked her too, how much was irrelevant. She would take as much as she was given. Provided she was given at least a little.
More than once she had been in a relationship with a man who cared more deeply for her than she had for him. Each time had ended badly. She had never grown to love any of them. Finally the reason had shown itself. JJ was gay; had probably been longer than she had ever known. Who would have introduced her to a whole new world? Who, but Emily? For that alone she liked her.
“I like you. A lot.” It was true. She had known all along. Nevertheless, it didn’t change anything. Emily didn’t make the rules. She didn’t even apply them. They applied themselves. It was best to keep your heart locked away in a buried compartment somewhere in the back of your soul if you wanted to keep it from being broken. So she had learned. So she had done. So it was for JJ to realize.
Emily wouldn’t keep her. Emily wanted her to be happy. More than anything in the whole wide world and she would do anything and everything to guarantee her happiness, even if it meant living with a broken heart. JJ had found her secret stash, stolen her heart and was about to break it. There was nothing she could do.
“I want to know that you care enough to take the next step.” She felt sick. There it was. Her ultimatum. Commit to me or I’ll leave. JJ felt cheap and cruel. Emily deserved better than this. She deserved to be given time to grow into their relationship. After all, JJ knew that Emily had no experience when it came to serious relationships.
They had run out of time. Hotch knew about them, Morgan did too and it was only a matter of time before the rest of the team figured it out if they hadn’t already. JJ wanted to make sure that she risked her good name for something more than lust.
“I want to know that you care enough to take the next step.” She felt sick. There it was. The inevitable end. JJ would go home to… her detective probably. And she would go home to her empty home and changing sex partners. Emily felt sicker.
Why was life so cruel? What had she done to deserve a life without hope, love or warmth? It was futile to ponder this now. JJ deserved a clean cut; to know; to be released. Her grandfather had said once that there would be a day she loved someone so much she would let them go. She hadn’t believed him. The day was here.
“I’m sorry. I can’t.” So few words, so many consequences. Already JJ felt her heart break, tears behind her eyes. She would not cause a scene. She had liked the restaurant since the first time Emily had brought her here. She wanted to come again without feeling ashamed. Nobody needed to know that Emily had broken up with her. Nobody needed to know that she wasn’t good enough for her. JJ was already ashamed. She had wanted everything and ended up with nothing. She had been greedy instead of being grateful for what she already had. Insatiable.
Emily was not willing to give her more. Emily did not love her. Emily wanted her out.
“I’m sorry. I can’t.” So few words, so many consequences. Emily could see how JJ struggled with her answer. She wished she could explain to her why. Maybe she could find closure in knowing that it wasn’t her fault. That she hadn’t done anything wrong. That this was just the way things were.
Emily still felt sick. The words would not come to her. She struggled with her breathing when she saw JJ fight the tears. She wanted to reach across the table, grab her hand, hold her head, comfort her. She was the bearer of bad news. She was the reason for JJ’s broken heart. How was she supposed to fix it?
“I hope you’ll be happy some day.” Toneless but honest. Sad and hopeful. JJ knew Emily wanted her to be happy. Why then could she not see that Emily was the one person who could make her happier than she had ever been?
No one else had ever elicited so much love, longing and lust. No one but Emily could have gotten JJ to admit out loud that she wanted more. This woman had turned her world upside down and back up again. What would remain of her once so sheltered life? Would she be able to rebuild it?
“I hope you’ll be happy some day.” Toneless but honest. Sad and hopeful. Emily meant it. JJ deserved it. She couldn’t give it. It had to be that simple. It felt all wrong. Emily’s entire body screamed in agony, tried it’s best to tell her wrong. She did all she could to ignore it. This wasn’t about her. This was for JJ.
Anything for JJ. She had decided months ago that she would give everything even if it meant pain and suffering later on. She had kept word so far. Emily still felt sick. She just needed to keep it up until this was over. Then she would embrace the pain for 72 hours and build up her walls again in time to get back to the office.
“Thank you, for everything.” Seriously? Seriously. She just said that. Emily was always so polite but this was downright ridiculous. How was this supposed to ease anything? Or was it? JJ understood that Emily had meant to say: No hard feelings.
No of course not. She would be professional. At work she would find a way not to push Emily into a broom closet and kiss her. She would find a way not to reach over her desk and stab her with a letter opener. She would be professional. Give compartmentalization a try. No hard feelings. No feelings at all.
“Thank you, for everything.” Seriously? Seriously. She just said that. She wished she hadn’t. Only God knew how JJ would interpret that. What she had meant to convey was that she had enjoyed their time together. That she would keep JJ in her heart forever. That she was sorry for taking advantage of JJ, not telling her sooner that their time was borrowed, let her in when she knew she had to kick her out eventually.
Nothing would be shown on the outside of course. Nobody would even notice. Maybe a gifted profiler would realize she was a little off, but that could be attributed to a number of things. Least of which was the break up with a member of the team. Only Garcia knew. She wouldn’t tell and Emily wouldn’t show.
Emily paid the bill and put JJ in a cab. She wasn’t sure she could drive that far. There was no hug, no kiss, no goodbye; nothing could be said, nothing could be done. They would need some time to get back into professional gear but eventually it would be just a memory. JJ had become her past. Emily ducked around the corner and threw up.