Lead the Way - Chapter 085 - Premebam Ergo Sum
I like this chapter. It's short, yes. BUT! This is the Emily we never get to see on TV. This is Emily the nerd. Emily the nervous, insecure lesbian. Emily the courageous. My Emily. The one I developed and came to love. I don't know if that makes me pathetic or ridiculous, but I have grown to love my characters.
And maybe one or two of you will smile at the end and know where I got the quote from :)
Lead the Way - 085 - Premebam Ergo Sum
It was just a button. She could push it and turn her whole world upside down or leave it alone and never find out. A button that would change her life. It was such a cliché. Emily wondered what Kurt Vonnegut would have made of this.
She shook her head. The button wasn’t meaningful at all. In fact, it wasn’t even a button at all. It didn’t exist. It was just a graphic and it held no meaning whatsoever. Something that didn’t exist could hardly be meaningful.
She shook her head again. She knew that all this nonsense was just her way of stalling. If she would push this button, it was out of her hands. She was no longer in control of anything, helpless to JJ’s decision.
Had she really been in control these past few months? Ever since their break up, no, ever since their kiss in Tyler Emily had felt powerless. These feelings were nothing she could control. She couldn’t will them away just as she couldn’t will the world to be a peaceful place.
Maybe if she made this decision, maybe this was the only way to be in control. After all it was her decision. Once the decision was made and things set in motion, she would have given up control. As long as she didn’t push that button, she could still choose.
If she waited too long, the choice would be made for her. Emily rubbed her eyes. How did it get this far? How did she become so entangled that she couldn’t even push one lousy button without questioning her entire way of life?
Admitting that her feelings for JJ were real, that she would accept and believe that JJ wouldn’t run off with the next best guy and to promise that she would stop sabotaging their relationship, really give it a try - all that had been easy compared to this.
She was about to make herself more vulnerable than she had ever been before. She was about to admit something she had denied all her life. She knew if anyone was ever worth it, it was JJ, but it was the hardest thing she ever had to do.
There would be no taking it back, once she pushed that button. Maybe it was too impersonal. She knew she was making excuses, still trying to stall at all costs. She hated cowardice, but she knew she was guilty.
Her eyes unfocused she stared at the screen. She reminded herself that she had brought this on herself, that it was her fault things had gotten to be this way. Now it was for her to make it right again, to face her mistakes and suffer the consequences.
Maybe she had messed up too badly, maybe she would never be enough for JJ. Maybe she hadn’t liked any of her promises or maybe she was just waiting for her to finally take her into her arms again. ‘Or maybe we’ll become unstuck in time!’
She exhaled sharply and pushed “SEND”.
And maybe one or two of you will smile at the end and know where I got the quote from :)
Lead the Way - 085 - Premebam Ergo Sum
It was just a button. She could push it and turn her whole world upside down or leave it alone and never find out. A button that would change her life. It was such a cliché. Emily wondered what Kurt Vonnegut would have made of this.
She shook her head. The button wasn’t meaningful at all. In fact, it wasn’t even a button at all. It didn’t exist. It was just a graphic and it held no meaning whatsoever. Something that didn’t exist could hardly be meaningful.
She shook her head again. She knew that all this nonsense was just her way of stalling. If she would push this button, it was out of her hands. She was no longer in control of anything, helpless to JJ’s decision.
Had she really been in control these past few months? Ever since their break up, no, ever since their kiss in Tyler Emily had felt powerless. These feelings were nothing she could control. She couldn’t will them away just as she couldn’t will the world to be a peaceful place.
Maybe if she made this decision, maybe this was the only way to be in control. After all it was her decision. Once the decision was made and things set in motion, she would have given up control. As long as she didn’t push that button, she could still choose.
If she waited too long, the choice would be made for her. Emily rubbed her eyes. How did it get this far? How did she become so entangled that she couldn’t even push one lousy button without questioning her entire way of life?
Admitting that her feelings for JJ were real, that she would accept and believe that JJ wouldn’t run off with the next best guy and to promise that she would stop sabotaging their relationship, really give it a try - all that had been easy compared to this.
She was about to make herself more vulnerable than she had ever been before. She was about to admit something she had denied all her life. She knew if anyone was ever worth it, it was JJ, but it was the hardest thing she ever had to do.
There would be no taking it back, once she pushed that button. Maybe it was too impersonal. She knew she was making excuses, still trying to stall at all costs. She hated cowardice, but she knew she was guilty.
Her eyes unfocused she stared at the screen. She reminded herself that she had brought this on herself, that it was her fault things had gotten to be this way. Now it was for her to make it right again, to face her mistakes and suffer the consequences.
Maybe she had messed up too badly, maybe she would never be enough for JJ. Maybe she hadn’t liked any of her promises or maybe she was just waiting for her to finally take her into her arms again. ‘Or maybe we’ll become unstuck in time!’
She exhaled sharply and pushed “SEND”.