hardest part of coming back...
So, I haven't updated in quite some time. And really, I kept meaning to. But it never felt right - so much shit has gone down for me lately. But I need to get these thoughts down. So in chronological order...
I spent the next month recovering. I decided not to push myself and enroll in winter quarter for school. I went back to work on 1/12/09. My life is slowly returning to normal.
And now...now I really miss him. It was easier dealing with his death when I was in pain, when my life was already in chaos. Now that it is returning to normal, I feel his absence even more. I never really talked to my parents on the phone that much - I am not a phone person. And I used to always say to myself, "One day they will be gone, and all you will want to do is talk to them on the phone." And that is true, to an extent. I do just want to talk to him. But even more, I want to give him a hug. I want to hold his hand.
80-90% blockage in the arteries around his heart, with no symptoms. Now, granted, he has always had high blood pressure, but he has always been on medication and keeping it in check. He has never had great chloestrial, but also with medication, it has never been bad. He was 57 years old, and had just played 36 holes of golf the weekend before. He had no real symptoms - or at least, if he had symptoms, he never told anyone.
I just want him to tell me some stupid story of when he was a kid and worked on his dad's golf course and had to go diving in the lake for golf balls.
I miss my daddy.
- 11/6 - Was in a car wreck. Felt fine, though my car's rear bumper was now missing.
- 11/7/ - 11/11 - Started with small pains in my back, especially left leg/buttock. Became unbearable to sit, lay down - do anything. Stopped going to work.
- 11/12 - Went to doc, we both thought it was a pulled muscle. He gave me Tylenol w/codeine, Motrin 600mg, and muscle relaxers.
- 11/13 - 11/20 - Pain did not lessen, only increased. Got to a point where I lost sensation in my left leg. I was miserable. MRI done on the 20th revealed that I had a herniated disc in my left L5/S1 - 10mm protrusion. Doc referred me to a neurosurgeon and gave me Vicodin, but the soonest I could see him was 12/8. I had to drop my classes.
- 11/20 - 11/25 - We were originally going to go up to Vegas to visit my parents for Thanksgiving, but since I was in too much pain to sit, let alone travel, my parents decided to drive down to visit us after my dad flew in from Kansas to Vegas on the 26th. Sean and I spent this time fretting about the house, figuring out the Thanksgiving menu, etc.
- 11/26 - Woke up to the news that my dad had died in his sleep that night. Heart attack. Mom said that he had always wanted to go in his sleep like that, because that is how his dad died.
- 11/27 - 12/2 - He was going to be buried in Topeka next to his parents. Mom told me she didn't want me to come out because of my injury, but there was no way I wasn't going to. We made a bed in the back of the Escalade, and I kept my Vicodin, Motrin and muscle relaxers at hand. Sean drove the whole way, and we stopped for the night in Alberquerque.
- 12/3 - Dad's funeral. I didn't cry during it. Not out of strength; out of numbness. Saw more baby pictures of him than I thought existed, and far, far too many baby pictures of myself with him. Saw lots of pics I don't remember - even up into my teens. Very disconcerting. Don't know how many times I heard "It's so nice to see you again, I just wish it wasn't under these circumstances."
- 12/4 - 12/8 - We drove back to California - again, Sean drove the whole way. Stopped in Flaggstaff for the night. On 12/8 I went to the neurosurgeon. He basically gave me two options: surgery, which I wanted to do - or physical therapy in the hopes that it would heal over time. I was not going to wait months for a "maybe".
- 12/12 - L5/S1 microlumbar discectomy. One of the two places in the country that does it outpatient. I was in there at 10am, out by 2pm. Also found out I am slightly allergic to morphine - gives me the itches. The very moment I sat up in that hospital bed, I felt relief. There was no pain. No pain at all.
I spent the next month recovering. I decided not to push myself and enroll in winter quarter for school. I went back to work on 1/12/09. My life is slowly returning to normal.
And now...now I really miss him. It was easier dealing with his death when I was in pain, when my life was already in chaos. Now that it is returning to normal, I feel his absence even more. I never really talked to my parents on the phone that much - I am not a phone person. And I used to always say to myself, "One day they will be gone, and all you will want to do is talk to them on the phone." And that is true, to an extent. I do just want to talk to him. But even more, I want to give him a hug. I want to hold his hand.
80-90% blockage in the arteries around his heart, with no symptoms. Now, granted, he has always had high blood pressure, but he has always been on medication and keeping it in check. He has never had great chloestrial, but also with medication, it has never been bad. He was 57 years old, and had just played 36 holes of golf the weekend before. He had no real symptoms - or at least, if he had symptoms, he never told anyone.
I just want him to tell me some stupid story of when he was a kid and worked on his dad's golf course and had to go diving in the lake for golf balls.
I miss my daddy.