christ fuck,, christ fuck
i ahve that song playing in my head... laid over that temperature song, but the misheard lyrics version
::sigh:: phil left for work and i can't fall back asleep.
so much stuff has happened and so many things are swirling around in my head. i barely know where to start.
i miss my friends. i miss ken and jess. i miss rob. i miss heather and nate and dave. i don't even feel like i have enough time, or i'm not using the time a have wisely enough, to spend the time i want to with my roommates. i'm destined to miss everyone forever. i guess that's just getting old, isn't it? everyone is busy with their lives. it's a terribly good thing. i just miss people.
i don't even want to start ranting about work. i will type three pages of spew, which you, faithful reader, will trudge through and neither of us will feel better for it. i'll just say that it sucks and the comapny is run by incompetent bastards from middle management on up.
i will admit, most of my time and energy is consumed by my relationship with phil. i've had some pretty intense and at times hard to swallow realizations about my relationship experience and prowess. for one, i've always considered myself an open person. i'm really not. i display parts of myself for others, like an art exhibit, when i can be in complete control of all conditions. most people don't really see the difference or care that there is one. to them just the fact that i even let them glimpse is more than enough. so i've gotten away with being secretive and reclusive. i believe it's part of my nature. i've been doing it for so long (probably my whole life), i didn't even realize i wasn't really being intimate. even when i shared experiences with people where i sited my secrecy and thought i was letting them in further than others, i still wasn't letting them in. it's sort of like thinking you're having great sex until the first time you actually do have great sex. it blows your fucking mind!! my mind is sufficiently blown and i haven't even busted down the majority, let alone all, of my walls. phil didn't recognize a difference either, but that's because he doesn't know what bad sex is? ok, that analogy didn't work out quite as well there. phil simply operates on a higher level of intimacy. he's so open and honest, he's practically immune to guilt and i'm pretty sure he's never felt shame. ever. he's never had reason to hide anything or has had any hesitations showing the world everything. you're either intimate with someone or you're not. you either show them everything or you don't. there's none of this half-ass "levels" bullshit. he's so pooh bear about it (i've taken to calling him pooh bear at times. he's not only pooh-shaped, he's a think think thinker :o). 'demands' sounds like such a harsh term... he will not settle for less than unrestricted access to me (i have as much access to him as he has to himself). he's patient and is willing to wait as long as it takes. it's not even that he will get it eventually. it's the standard he holds me to. it's expected. i think it was assumed up until i told him i was freaking out. it gets me down sometimes to be this naive and immature when it comes to intimacy, especially after having been around the block a few times. at least i've realized that i never took the training wheels off. realize, analyze, learn.
i've been thinking a lot about how this ties into my fetish as well. it sounds sort of contradictory. i enjoy submitting to someone under certain terms and conditions. i've now realized that it was sort of my butter substitute? all the flavor, color and texture of intimacy (and in this day and age who actually uses real intimacy anymore so who knows the difference, certainly not this cookie), but it still isn't the real thing for better or for worse. the closer i get to actually being completely naked with phil, the less i feel myself needing those overtures to, or in my case replacements for, intimacy. not to say it still doesn't knock my socks off to hear him call me his little fuck doll. i still very much enjoy dolling out pleasure (eh.. no pun intended). but instead of being naked in a certain position with my desired lighting, phil assumes there's nothing wrong with flicking on the lights and spreading me open. it's miraculous to me. my eyes are still adjusting, but i'm making my way out from under the covers. i'm using fetish practices as metaphor for emotional intimacy. i've been successfully committing the physical acts for years without committing to the more intense emotional experiences, which was all i was really looking for in the first place.. ok, and orgasms (even more so lately those two are becoming interchangable). anyway, instead of the intense physicalit opening emotional doors (wow, bdsm is totally in the same league with the eurcharist, the physical reenforcing the spiritual. bdsm: the sacrament!), i needed the mundane everyday grind to open those dorrs. oh irony, how i is your bitch. or maybe it jsut took someone asking the right questions and not letting me weasel out of answering.
phil actually 100% truly pushes my limits. it's not that he coaxes me in whatever way to do something i wouldn't do on my own, or gives me a reason to do something i want to do. he is literally taking me to emotional places i've never been before (and the side effects are physical. holy fucking shit they are!). if i can make it through this, work up to meeting him at his level, without puss-ing out, it will literally be the most beautiful thing i've ever experienced.
he's collaring on saturday. it's our 6 month-innversary. we've been talking about since we first started dating. we picked out the everyday collar months ago. for various reasons, we've both had reservations about it (see his post on bagfacekid). he wasn't sure i was ready and i wasn't sure i was ready. but i know i am now. the collar doesn't mean i'm on his level, but it does mean we're dedicated to the process. i'm sort of really fucking excited about it. sort of really fucking excited doesn't even begin to describe it.
i'm so in love. i'm so all about working on the relationship. it scares the living shit out of me. i have no idea what i'm doing, but there isn't a second that goes by when i wish i was doing anything else. i'm totally looking forward to be old and crotchety with phil. i know, we probably won't make it to crotchety, but hey neither of us thought we'd make it to 30. i'm so excited for the journey. i could care less where we end up.
Click to view::sigh:: phil left for work and i can't fall back asleep.
so much stuff has happened and so many things are swirling around in my head. i barely know where to start.
i miss my friends. i miss ken and jess. i miss rob. i miss heather and nate and dave. i don't even feel like i have enough time, or i'm not using the time a have wisely enough, to spend the time i want to with my roommates. i'm destined to miss everyone forever. i guess that's just getting old, isn't it? everyone is busy with their lives. it's a terribly good thing. i just miss people.
i don't even want to start ranting about work. i will type three pages of spew, which you, faithful reader, will trudge through and neither of us will feel better for it. i'll just say that it sucks and the comapny is run by incompetent bastards from middle management on up.
i will admit, most of my time and energy is consumed by my relationship with phil. i've had some pretty intense and at times hard to swallow realizations about my relationship experience and prowess. for one, i've always considered myself an open person. i'm really not. i display parts of myself for others, like an art exhibit, when i can be in complete control of all conditions. most people don't really see the difference or care that there is one. to them just the fact that i even let them glimpse is more than enough. so i've gotten away with being secretive and reclusive. i believe it's part of my nature. i've been doing it for so long (probably my whole life), i didn't even realize i wasn't really being intimate. even when i shared experiences with people where i sited my secrecy and thought i was letting them in further than others, i still wasn't letting them in. it's sort of like thinking you're having great sex until the first time you actually do have great sex. it blows your fucking mind!! my mind is sufficiently blown and i haven't even busted down the majority, let alone all, of my walls. phil didn't recognize a difference either, but that's because he doesn't know what bad sex is? ok, that analogy didn't work out quite as well there. phil simply operates on a higher level of intimacy. he's so open and honest, he's practically immune to guilt and i'm pretty sure he's never felt shame. ever. he's never had reason to hide anything or has had any hesitations showing the world everything. you're either intimate with someone or you're not. you either show them everything or you don't. there's none of this half-ass "levels" bullshit. he's so pooh bear about it (i've taken to calling him pooh bear at times. he's not only pooh-shaped, he's a think think thinker :o). 'demands' sounds like such a harsh term... he will not settle for less than unrestricted access to me (i have as much access to him as he has to himself). he's patient and is willing to wait as long as it takes. it's not even that he will get it eventually. it's the standard he holds me to. it's expected. i think it was assumed up until i told him i was freaking out. it gets me down sometimes to be this naive and immature when it comes to intimacy, especially after having been around the block a few times. at least i've realized that i never took the training wheels off. realize, analyze, learn.
i've been thinking a lot about how this ties into my fetish as well. it sounds sort of contradictory. i enjoy submitting to someone under certain terms and conditions. i've now realized that it was sort of my butter substitute? all the flavor, color and texture of intimacy (and in this day and age who actually uses real intimacy anymore so who knows the difference, certainly not this cookie), but it still isn't the real thing for better or for worse. the closer i get to actually being completely naked with phil, the less i feel myself needing those overtures to, or in my case replacements for, intimacy. not to say it still doesn't knock my socks off to hear him call me his little fuck doll. i still very much enjoy dolling out pleasure (eh.. no pun intended). but instead of being naked in a certain position with my desired lighting, phil assumes there's nothing wrong with flicking on the lights and spreading me open. it's miraculous to me. my eyes are still adjusting, but i'm making my way out from under the covers. i'm using fetish practices as metaphor for emotional intimacy. i've been successfully committing the physical acts for years without committing to the more intense emotional experiences, which was all i was really looking for in the first place.. ok, and orgasms (even more so lately those two are becoming interchangable). anyway, instead of the intense physicalit opening emotional doors (wow, bdsm is totally in the same league with the eurcharist, the physical reenforcing the spiritual. bdsm: the sacrament!), i needed the mundane everyday grind to open those dorrs. oh irony, how i is your bitch. or maybe it jsut took someone asking the right questions and not letting me weasel out of answering.
phil actually 100% truly pushes my limits. it's not that he coaxes me in whatever way to do something i wouldn't do on my own, or gives me a reason to do something i want to do. he is literally taking me to emotional places i've never been before (and the side effects are physical. holy fucking shit they are!). if i can make it through this, work up to meeting him at his level, without puss-ing out, it will literally be the most beautiful thing i've ever experienced.
he's collaring on saturday. it's our 6 month-innversary. we've been talking about since we first started dating. we picked out the everyday collar months ago. for various reasons, we've both had reservations about it (see his post on bagfacekid). he wasn't sure i was ready and i wasn't sure i was ready. but i know i am now. the collar doesn't mean i'm on his level, but it does mean we're dedicated to the process. i'm sort of really fucking excited about it. sort of really fucking excited doesn't even begin to describe it.
i'm so in love. i'm so all about working on the relationship. it scares the living shit out of me. i have no idea what i'm doing, but there isn't a second that goes by when i wish i was doing anything else. i'm totally looking forward to be old and crotchety with phil. i know, we probably won't make it to crotchety, but hey neither of us thought we'd make it to 30. i'm so excited for the journey. i could care less where we end up.