The last couple months
So for awhile now I've been taking Sambo from Mike MacDonald. It's been tremendously enjoyable, and I've been reminded sharply of how far out of shape I'd gotten and how good it feels to be active. The long and short of this is that in early June, I got one of the bids to attend the U.S. Open Tournament of Submission Grappling this year (Good god, what a long winded name, eh?).
I'm thrilled, and throw myself into training. From getting the invite until August 3rd, I go in for three hour sessions of conditioning, the normal grappling class, and team practice. I feel great about all the work, even if it is exhausting. I know for a fact I'm significantly better now, as a result of having worked so hard.
The day of the tourney comes and I make the trip down to the Long Beach Arena with the other guys from the gym who are competing. Lots of waiting, and when my division gets called I get ready.
I lost by 2 points in the first round, to the eventual silver medalist.
While my rational brain realizes that I did pretty well (If I'd held on to a position for 1 second longer, I'd have scored 3 points and ended up with the win- not to mention the seven other mistakes I made in the course of a four minute fight), I was in a sour mood afterward. I'm far too competitive to be happy as an 'also-ran'.
The other guys did very well, however. John and Pesach both brought medals home, and I'm very proud of them for it. The real kick in the gut for me though, was on the way home when I realized that I was jealous. I'd been on the highway running over the 'if only I'd done X instead of Y, that would be ME going home a winner', and other equally pathetic things for a teammate to be thinking. This got me angry at myself, and I stayed that way until getting home, by which time it had been distilled down into a more healthy sort of determination.
There's a smaller tourney later this month which I'll be entering. I'm going to keep entering until next year gets here, and if I do well enough, I'll earn another bid to go back to the nationals. I hate losing. I'm not ashamed of my efforts at the tourney, but I know I can do better. I know I can win, and getting beat in the first round left me very hungry to prove it.
"It is defeat that turns bone to flint, gristle to muscle. It is defeat that makes men invincible." - Henry Beecher
I'm not invincible. No one is. But I feel closer to it after losing than I would have been had I won. My coach, teammates and friends have been very supportive, so its not to them that I feel I have something to prove. Just silly, stubborn me.
Furor Teutonicus.