the last shot: part iii

[lafemmecasanova]

Rating: PG-13
Warning: Language







| friends on the fence |

The last thing I remembered was Jesse backing off to sprint to his bedroom, leaving me in the hallway with my shirt halfway unbuttoned and pants popped open looking like a hot mess.

Somehow I managed to notice how round his eyes had gotten, like a child’s would if they were caught doing something they were told not to do time and time again. All they did was scream guilt, but my brain barely registered the cause of this sudden change in heart.

It was the sound of a slamming door that brought me back to life. Shakily, my hand rose so my fingers could gingerly graze my lips. Piece by piece, the puzzle came together and I replayed the entire event in my head one last time. The argument outside, the decision to go back to the hotel to get some shut eye, the second fight in the elevator, the… the kiss. Jesse kissed me. Not by accident, but on purpose. He purposefully pinned me to a wall and practically dry-humped me all the way back to the suite. This wasn’t an accident, and I sure as hell knew he wasn’t drunk.

Oh shit. Oh, shit.

Pushing out a shaky breath, my body jolted forward from the wall to propel itself in the direction Jesse ventured to. My ears picked up on a swift click; Jesse had locked himself in. No, no, he couldn’t actually lock the door on me. We needed to talk, though I wasn’t entirely confident that I could speak coherent sentences. Trying to get there as fast as possible, I felt out of breath and my legs start to give out despite the fact that his room wasn’t that far from the suite’s entrance. The hardest - no pun intended - task was trying to diminish my aching boner and allow my heart to take a rest from beating so damn fast. So far it was an absolute failure.

Once I approached the door, I continued to do the deep breathing exercises, but they weren’t even close to being successful. I needed to have a level head to speak to Jesse, especially after seeing him leave like such a frightened rabbit. When I felt air where I thought I shouldn’t, I cursed under my breath and looked down. Damn, my pants were still open. Only then did I realize how disheveled and maniacal I looked.

“Jess?” I croaked; my voice was still a bit husky, I mean, how could it not be, but I cleared my throat and attempted to tuck my shirt back into my pants to look less like an animal in heat. First time? The shot failed miserably. Second time? Not even close. By the third try, I just pulled the entire shirt out and let the ends freely sway with my movements. “Jess, you in there?”

There was no answer from the other side.

“Jess? Are you- what am I saying, are you there, of course you’re in there,” I mumbled bitterly to myself. “Can we talk? Please?”

Still, there was silence; however, I swore I heard movement against the door. In my head, I imagined it wasn’t my imagination, that it was Jesse. His back was against the door, refusing to acknowledge that I was there, that this all happened. I imagined his back sliding against the door until he reached a sitting position on the floor as the sound traveled south. Unable to stop myself, my hand lifted and subconsciously followed the movement with my fingers like he could actually feel my touch on the opposite side of the wall between us. In time with my hand, my heart fell. Jesse wasn’t going to talk. Although I wanted nothing more than to talk about how this happened, why it happened, I knew there was very little to discuss. There was nothing, nothing, I could say or do. We had passed the point of no return.

Slowing pulling my body back, my fingers traced downwards until they swung limp at my side. My eyes never left the barrier separating the two of us, but the overwhelming production of tears made it hard to figure out what I was even viewing anymore. Not one emotion could describe how I felt, not uncertainty, not confusion, not anger. Unsure of how to handle the tornado, I quietly spun on my heel and allowed my legs to pace a few steps away.

When I felt the uncontrollable urge to hit something, anything, I sort of figured out that out of all the feelings I could have been experiencing, devastation dominated.

Somehow I prevented myself from doing so. I was close, with my arm raised in the air and my hand clenched in a furious, white-knuckled fist, but I knew better than that. Finally getting a grip on myself, I sniffed back my blurry vision and awkwardly shuffled to pick up the thin business jacket left sprawled on the floor.

Without another noise, I bit back whatever sob was lodged in my throat, stormed through the hall, through the sitting room, and to my bedroom, where I, too, locked the door.

***

By the time I awoke, Jesse was gone.

Then again, that’s if you can even say if I was ever asleep. It sure as hell didn’t feel like sleeping. Sleeping requires rest, and that right there completely cleared it off the list. If there’s a possibility that I could have caught sleep while staring up with nothing left to do besides ponder. I don’t believe I had ever become so acquainted with a ceiling in my life. Too bad I wasn’t one for painting; I could have made even Monet envious with realistically etched detail.

Though, there’s a very large con for having a brain that can withstand a large quantity of memory: you remember everything, every word, every smell, every touch. I could still hear the faint whimpers and moans that bounced off of the elevator walls like slingshots. In the dark, an occasional faint gasp would sound through my ears, though when I focused, it left. My entire body reeked of newly-found - and short lived - confidence with an assorted mixture of cologne. I never bothered to button my shirt back up, and my arms still felt like they were on fire, not that I minded. It was a bittersweet reminder that it wasn’t some late-night wet dream. Over and over, I played that night on repeat, torturing myself with the little details and the things that probably didn’t matter.

Sometimes, when you care enough about someone and something goes wrong, you tend to overanalyze every single word or action. Then you get to thinking maybe you shouldn’t have said the one phrase the way you said it, or you should have been more open. Next you start coming up with scenarios, like if you had a time machine to go back and fix it, to stop yourself from ever taking that same elevator or grabbing his arm before he could run off. It’s enough to drive you mad.

The clock read 2:30 pm.

Eventually I was going to have to get my lazy ass up and start moving around, but I couldn’t find the motive to. Every time my eyes wandered towards the digital alarm clock located beside me on the nightstand, it felt like days had gone by rather than a mere couple of hours. Instead of being Tuesday, I thought of that day being 2:30 PM a week from yesterday. In my boredom, I wound up with reasoning. Perhaps I had fallen into a coma. Perhaps I was alone now and Jesse had taken the plane home because I was out cold for an entire week. It sure felt like it.

I knew by now Shannon had called- Shit, Shannon. What was I going to do about her? The polite thing to do would be sit up or even just reach over to grab the damn thing and give her a ring, but even that sounded like too hard of task to do. She knew I wasn’t one for sleeping in too late, after all, so I could see why she phoned me before three o’clock. But what would I even say? I would probably still sound like a wreck from lying awake all those hours of contemplating, wishing Jesse would leave me some sort of note if he wasn’t comfortable with blatantly talking.

The conversation was reeling in my mind. She would ask how shooting went and all I would be able to come up with as I improvised were one-word responses. It wasn’t like I could go, “Oh hi, honey, no, shooting went swell. Oh! Did I mention I nearly shagged my best friend?”

Oh, that would go swimmingly.

Shannon and I never really hid things from one another and the thought of starting to lie now made me sick to my stomach. Still, I couldn’t keep what had happened between Jesse and me a secret. It was just an accident.

Though, one question was seared into my skull: Why?

Sighing, I threw the question into the back bins of my mind and decided that it was time to grab my phone. Pressing the button on the side, I groaned when I saw the notifications bar: four new texts, five missed calls, two new voicemails. I guess the entire world noticed I was off-balance. Once I slid off the lock with my thumb, I checked to see who they were from. Texts were divided between one from Armie, one from Carey, and two from Shannon. Two calls were from the studio, while three were from Shannon; the voicemails were split.

Figuring texts were easier to check, I viewed them first.

(4:20 AM) A. Hammer: yo, it’s over! We need to drink it up on our last night of being college brats! lol seriously though, are you awake????

(9:12 AM) Shannon: Top o the mornin to ya (;

(12:01 PM) C. Mulligan: Hey! How’s production going?

(2:00 PM) Shannon: gee, rough night?

Oh, she had no idea.

Figuring I‘d settle for the voicemails before leaving my bed, I punched in the password and waited. “You have two new messages. First voice message on Tuesday at two p.m.:

“Hey babe! I guess you had a rough night if you’re still asleep. Give me a call, I wanna know how your day went! Okay, miss you, bye.”

A pause. “End of new message. Next voice message:

“Hey Andrew, it’s David just calling to let you know that you’re free to go. You have a 7:30 am flight to London tomorrow, so pack up and get some rest. Once we’re finished getting it all together, we’ll give you a call. See ya.”

I felt my body suddenly tense up. Slowly I rose to a seated position on the bed and I could barely breathe. I was leaving that early in the morning? Wasn’t I able to cancel it and maybe stay an extra two days? The phone continuously asked what I wanted to do next, but I continued to hold the phone gingerly against my ear with my head in another dimension. Swallowing to coat my dry throat, I finally let out a heavy sigh, but I was unable to move. Apparently today was my last day since they didn’t need me anymore. I should have been thrilled considering I hadn’t been home for a while, but I wasn’t. In fact, I felt even more miserable than before.

Deciding to call her before anything, I deleted the voicemails and pressed on the little phone symbol once it reached her name on my contacts list. For a while, my heart was beating a mile a minute. I had no idea what I was going to say to her, or what she was going to bring up to me.

My thoughts were cut short when she picked up on the other end.

“Hey, you! It took you long enough to call back,” she greeted happily.

I tried to match her mood, but I failed. “Yeah, sorry about that.”

“Rough night?”

A knot tied in my throat. “Yeah, really rough night.”

“What happened?”

Now here was the kicker: to lie or not lie. Was it even possible to tell her the truth, now, without actually going over it with Jesse first? “You know, love, just the idea of the movie being over. It’s been a lot of work and it’s been really intense.”

“Oh, I can only imagine,” she replied with sympathy in her voice. “But at least you’re done now, right? How’s Jesse?”

“Jesse- Jesse’s fine,” I lied. Strike two. “He went out for a few things so he’s not here right now. But listen, I’m going to go take a shower and I’ll call you later, yeah?”

Shannon merely giggled. “Alright, alright. You go wake your groggy self up and have a good last day, okay? I love you.”

Letting out a huff of air, I nodded. “I love you, too, Shannon.”

Click.

Tossing the phone to the side, I managed to swing my legs over the side of the bed. I cringed when my bare feet touched the ice-cold wooden flooring. God, why couldn’t hotels just have carpeted floors every once in a while? After a few seconds of preparing myself, I stood up, balanced, and finally ventured out of my bedroom to find myself in an empty apartment. I searched the suite for a little while, hoping to find him sitting there, anywhere, but there was nobody there. It was just me.

The scary part was that Jesse didn’t even leave a note. Jesse always left a note or a text or a voicemail for me to let me know where he went; it was just a habit of mind. It wasn’t like him to do this.

And it especially wasn’t like him to stay out for several hours.

I stayed home all day, watched television, ordered movies, ate some Milano cookies, and did absolutely nothing. The movies I watched were rather boring, some even depressing, but they struck a chord in me. Maybe there was something else hidden beneath those kisses on his part, but what about mine? What was my excuse for wanting to continue? Granted, it felt good, but that wasn’t the reason. Sure, I cared about Jesse; I mean he was my best friend, but what if…

The sound of a door opening nearly made me jump ten feet from my seat. Jesse was shuffling in with a bag in hand. Compared to me in my navy blue pajama pants and white t-shirt, he looked well-groomed with his dark denim jeans and gray shirt covered by his comfy black jacket. Once he shut the door, he didn’t even acknowledge I was there as he trotted on into the kitchen with this mystery bag. Not like I was any better; I simply sat there and watched him come in like I was an unknown entity, or perhaps the Patrick Swayze in this Ghost story - yes, I did actually view that a few hours ago before Jesse even arrived. What a horribly depressing movie.

Unable to keep quiet any longer, I turned my attention back onto the tv mounted on the wall and flicked through some channels. “A ‘hello’ would have been nice,” I called.

There was no answer for a few seconds. “Hello.”

Groaning, I rolled my neck. This was going to be a long night, apparently. “Where have you been?”

“Out,” he simply states from the kitchen before heading out to sit in the sitting room with me, though he’s all the way on the opposite end in a chair.

Wait, I definitely didn’t hear that right. “Out?”

“Yes.”

“As in, outside?”

“Yes.”

“As in the outdoors?”

At last, it got to him. Finally looking up at me, Jesse looked more than annoyed by my constant shock. “Yes, as in gallivanting the streets and taking in the fresh air.”

By now, I couldn’t help myself. As he explained where he went to shoot back at me, I was biting my lip to keep back a laugh, but now I full-out laughed, causing him to reel his head back in bitter confusion.

“What’s so funny?”

“That!”

“What is that?”

“Jess, you hate being outside,” I said to remind him that he wasn’t fooling me.

For a moment he sat there, stumped. His mouth opened as though to speak, but he quickly closed it, unsure of what to come back at me with. He knew I knew him better than most people, probably better than anyone, really, so playing this suave I-Go-Out game was sort of pointless.

“How do you know?” he asked.

“Because you constantly tell me how you wish you could make a portable home so you can always be inside since you hate being out so much.”

Aha. A second stumped paused.

“Well, I visited a pet store.” His face became stone-like. “I miss my cats.”

“And?”

It was obviously killing him to tell the truth. “I spent most of my time there. Then I came home.”

Of course he did. Sighing, I ran a hand through my hair - crap, I forgot I hadn’t showered yet - and watched him as he lifted his leg in order to bend down and untie his shoelaces. Mimicking with the other foot, he took both shoes off before standing up to make his way to the bathroom. I heard the sink go on behind me as he scrubbed his hands furiously from probably the excess cat hair and whatever else he was afraid he touched. I could have nearly narrated his own life after knowing him so damn well.

It wasn’t until he passed by me to disappear back into the kitchen portion of our suite did I realize I couldn’t have it like this. This bleak conversation wasn’t cutting it; it wasn’t us. I needed to be able to talk to Jesse, my Jesse, again like we used to before yesterday. Usually, if one of us left and came back home, we would be able to talk hours on end about whatever we did, even if it was grocery shopping. There was always an in-depth conversation waiting to happen. I could no longer sit here and play the quiet game like nothing was wrong.

An insane idea - but an idea nonetheless - popped into my brain.

“Hey, Jess?” I asked meekly. He was already bringing out products from the refrigerator to prepare dinner. Standing up, my heart was pounding in my chest, but my legs still managed to take me to the archway entrance to the kitchen. Leaning against it slightly with my arms crossed over my chest, I tilted my head to the side until it, too, was resting on the wooden frame. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure,” he replied with his back to me as he rummaged through the shelves of the fridge.

Licking my lower lip before biting it, I hoped it wouldn’t come out wrong. “Do you want to go out?”

Out of the blue, a crash rang through the suite as Jesse dropped a tray of assorted cheese. Straightening up his back, he turned around, his eyes wide. “W-What?”

“I’m asking if you want to go out to dinner.”

With a very slight shake to his hand, he pointed to his right. “I just came in from being out.”

“I- I know, I know, I was just wondering since it’s our last day here.”

We both stared at one another for just a short while, my face hopeless while his still expressionless. If anything, I knew I was wearing my heart on my sleeve by nearly begging him to do this, because I needed him. The last thing I wanted was for our friendship to be terminated just because of whatever had happened.

“The studio called me,” Jesse announced, completely avoiding my question. I nodded in defeat, and my heart fell in time with my eyes as I sucked in my right cheek.

“I know, Jess… they called me, too,” I croaked.

“The editing will probably take a few months, so I have a flight to catch tomorrow around seven since they said they don’t need us anymore. They said we can go home. Everything on film looks great, apparently,” he explained with a short nod. With that, he turned back around to crouch down and pick up the tray still displayed on the floor from his clumsiness.

Although he didn’t sound very excited to go home, my heart was still hurting by the fact that Jesse and I weren’t the same. Finished or not, I didn’t want to go back to England, not without Jesse. Call me clichéd, but Jesse was beginning to feel like my new home. Wherever he was, I wasn’t too far away. Letting those months go into nothing wasn’t an option I wanted to choose, but as each hour ticked by, I started to feel like maybe it was the only option I was given.

Figuring it was best to just grin and bear it, I started on over to the fridge in order to grab some sort of leftovers. I would have much rather preferred a burger than some Chinese leftovers, but I wasn’t about to go out and eat alone. Crouching to grab the box sitting on the bottom shelf, I slammed the door shut and stood up, only to feel myself rub up against something. In an instant I stood up, my face slightly tainted red, and turned to see what it was. Apparently Jesse was busy preparing it right next to me, but I had assumed he walked away from me. I guess I was wrong. Things couldn’t have gotten any more awkward than they already were.

We were only a few inches from each other, and like a lightning bolt the flashbacks from the night before came back. We were just like this, so close, and then he kissed me, and, god, those hips. Maybe it was wrong to think such things of your best friend, but I was starting to doubt a lot of things. However, there were a few things I didn’t doubt. I didn’t doubt that I adore the way Jesse’s hair was curly and springy, though sometimes he wasn’t a big fan of it. I didn’t doubt that Jesse’s eyes were probably the best color on the HTML charts - if you wanted to get technical considering he was the new face for Mark Zuckerberg. I didn’t doubt that I loved his awkwardness; it gave him this unspeakable sexy undertone. I didn’t doubt that thinking he was sexy was a problem anymore.

For once, I didn’t doubt the strange feelings I had for Jesse were false.

Swallowing down some saliva, I took the plunge. Letting in a slow and steady breath of air, my eyes never strayed from his. Jesse remains perfectly still, though it kills me that I can’t reach out and touch the side of his face. The tough-guy exterior he had been trying to put on diminished right before my eyes.

“I’ll miss you… when we go,” I said at last. My voice was soft and pleading, like I was begging him to come back to me, to come back and be the real Jesse again. We had no walls; I wanted that to come back.

Swallowing, Jesse stood there, but something extraordinary happened: he let his guard down. His own voice is soft, too, but it has a bit of an uneasy edge to it. “Three months isn’t that far away.”

Attempting to smile, I nodded and looked down for a moment before gazing back up at him. “I know, I know, it’s just… it’ll be weird, not spending time with you.”

Jesse didn’t say anything back this time and instead turned his head to the side, his eyes downcast. I guess even that was crossing the line now. Taking the hint, I tightened my grip on the box of Chinese and turned back around to grab a bottle of wine and a glass stacked on the counter. Pouring myself some, I kept my back to Jesse, hooked the full glass between my middle and ring finger to cradle in my palm, and strolled out of the kitchen. I would have sat on the couch, but quite frankly I was sick of sitting on it, so I nudged open the balcony sliding door and slipped outside. The air was surprisingly light with a gentle breeze here and there. The temperature wasn’t too brutal, but it still had a slight twinge of coldness that broke right into my pajama pants. I seriously wished I would have thought twice about this. Having a jacket would have been much more pleasant.

Yet, I wasn’t the only one coming out to sit. Surprisingly, Jesse opened the balcony door right after me with a Subway sandwich and a glass of water stuffed into his arms. Like the awkwardly adorable boy he was, he waddled over to the second chair on the other side of the glass table with the black trimming. Placing all of his items down, he reached over, shut the glass, and sat down. It was silent for a little while, until something he whispered made my heart flutter and my eyes completely tear up:

“I’ll miss you, too.”

Turning to glance at him, he had a small, apologetic smile on his face. He looked sad, and I wanted nothing more than to reach over that table and hold him. Not hug him, hold him. I didn’t want this night to end and for the next day to come. It was sickening to my stomach to know that this was probably our last night together, as roommates. Not as best friends, obviously, because you don’t throw something like that away. The one thing he would probably never know, though, is how much I would miss him.

“Three months isn’t that far away,” I repeated with a weak smile.

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” Jesse replied with a short nod. “We just, you know, we’ll both be busy and it will be here before either of us know it.”

“Do you think it’ll do well?” I asked, curious about his opinions on the movie we just made.

“Honestly or what the internet is saying?” He responded.

“Why, what is the internet saying?” I wasn’t exactly too up-to-date with our project’s statuses, but, more important, wasn’t aware that Jesse actually paid attention.

“I thought you would have read it?”

“Neither of us do much internet searches on ourselves.”

“Touche. Well, it’s been buzzed about on Yahoo.”

“Has it really?”

“Yeah, it’s controversial or something, I don’t know, I only got a glance of it when I was looking for new cat shelters.”

Taking a sip of my wine, I smiled. “You miss your cats that much?”

Jesse frowned a little and nodded. “They’re in good hands, though.”

“Only the best,” I added with a short chuckle. I wouldn’t be surprised if Jesse had scared the bajeesus out of the woman catsitting with his extremely long list of rules and regulations. His reason? They need to be cared for properly or else their stomachs may implode thanks to carelessness of the caretaker for feeding them the right amount of food. “Honestly, though, what do you think?”

“About what?”

“Will the movie do well?”

A pause. “No, probably not.”

My brows furrowed. “Really? Why not.”

Jesse’s eyes shifted towards the city overlook. “My performance was inadequate.”

Oh, god, there he went again with his extremely critical views of himself and his talent. If I didn’t have self-control, I would have splashed the wine in my hand all over his face before yelling at him, but I took another slow sip and pondered. “Why inadequate?”

“I don’t think my Mark was a good portrayal.”

“I thought it was brilliant.”

“I didn’t say a couple of lines the way I should have.”

“That’s what you say about every line.”

“I might have gone a little over the top and-”

“Jesse.” He finally stopped rambling and looked up at me with those beautifully tortured eyes. How could he not see how great of an actor he was?

“You asked for honesty,” he mumbled.

“You know what?” I asked, setting my glass down before leaning back into the chair. “I wouldn’t be surprised if you were nominated for something.”

Now that made his eyes bug out of his head. “Nominated?!” He sounded as though he were on fire. “I- No. No, there is no way I would ever be in a category for my work. I do not have the accomplishments or the skills or any sort of criteria that would ever substantially place me next to actors who have entirely a large line of sophisticated work behind them-”

I cut him off once my hand reached over the table and lightly touched his. The gesture was nothing big, but I felt the need to stop him before he completely disregarded himself as a person.

“Jesse,” I told him, “you are a great actor.”

Either way, I knew he wouldn’t believe me, but a smile slowly appeared on his face. Once I knew I had gotten through to him, I leaned back and let his hand go with my fingers just barely sliding over his skin. I wanted to actually feel his hand, to hold it, to lightly graze his thumb with mine, but that would have been going too far. We were friends, just best friends, and nothing more. We couldn’t be… well, we couldn’t be what I wanted us to be.

“Thanks for believing in me, Andrew,” he quietly replied, but I knew he meant every single syllable no matter how sad that thought was. His hand that had just been on the table was now sitting in his lap, but for a moment he stared at it, uncertain. “I… I don’t really know what I would do if I didn’t have you as a friend. I think I’d be crazy or- or I would have never made it through this movie if it weren’t for you.”

“You would have done fine without me, yeah? Look at you, you’re brilliant. Everything about you is brilliant,” I murmured. “I mean it, Jess.”

While we ate, we discussed random things like we used to, debated little topics or came up with off-the-wall scenarios. We must have talked for at least two hours out there on that balcony, maybe even three. With Jesse, there didn’t need to be thoughtful conversations or effort; we simply talked until we could barely keep our eyelids open anymore. The joy of having Jesse as a best friend was because being with him needed no effort. Our chemistry was one to envy, and I was sure that no one else on the set clicked the same way as he and I did.

However, it was getting late, and we both needed to pack for separate destinations. Silently, we left the balcony and threw out our trash; for once Jesse was the first to speak. When nothing else was left to be said, I stopped in the middle of the sitting room and faced him.

“Well, uh, g’night then, Jess-”

“I don’t really want to go back, Drew,” he interrupted with a small frown. It was practically killing me to stay where I was. He looked so upset, so fragile, that I was sure he would break just standing there, fidgeting with his hands and biting his nails. It was a nervous habit of his. “It- It- It’s hard to think about, not seeing someone every morning. I miss my cats and I miss my house, but it’s going to be really lonely again and…”

Trailing off, he shook his head and looked me in the eye with a smile on his face. “Will you come visit me?”

The request caught me off guard, though I smiled back at him like I had been waiting for him to say that this entire time. “Of course I’ll come visit you. Your family misses you, yeah? You go spend time with them and when we’re both not busy, I’ll fly over and we’ll get to hang out.”

Suddenly, his face lit up and it appeared as though he wasn’t afraid to leave anymore. The last thing I wanted Jesse to feel was anxiety about leaving for a plane in the morning without me, but knowing he cared that much and felt the same way I did about one thing made it a lot easier - and a lot harder - to swallow down.

“I guess this is goodnight, then? Will you come with me to the airport? I think our flights leave around the same time, but I think mine is before you…” Jesse asked softly.

Grinning, I nodded, though I could feel myself already getting choked up. “I’ll go with you. Go get some rest, alright? We have to get up early tomorrow.”

Nodding, Jesse placed on hand on his opposite arm and turned on his heel, though he stopped mid-turn and came back around. “Goodnight, Andrew.”

And with that he spun on his heel and walked in the direction of his room. I continued to stand there for a while, admiring him in the dim moonlight peering through the glass doors. I felt my heart swell with both happiness and sadness. I waited until the darkness swallowed him whole and the door cut off my view before responding.

“Goodnight, Jesse.”

***

Most of the morning was spent packing.

Luckily I left most of my belongings in my suitcase, so packing was a breeze. I got up around four in the morning to start putting all my toiletries, the extra clothes lying around, my electronics, and any other little souvenirs I bought while here in my bag. It was a miracle it all even fit. Hopefully the airline wouldn’t charge me more for carrying the weight of an extra person in my luggage. To make sure I had everything, I scanned the entire suite minus Jesse’s bedroom for anything I might have missed before going back to get changed. I decided on wearing just a plain pair of denim jeans with a red plaid button-up; there wasn’t really a point to dress fancy on an airplane when you were going to sit on it for eight or nine whole hours. It just wasn’t worth it.

“Jess, you ready?” I called once I began rolling out the two bags I had. One was the actual rolling luggage while my carry-on bag perched itself on top. In an instant, Jesse came rushing out with his overly-large duffle bag and another small bag full of god knows what, maybe another cat he secretly bought while we were filming here.

“I think I have everything. Do you?”

“I think so,” I replied. My arm stretched out in the direction of the door with my palm facing up. “After you.”

“Thanks.” Slinging his back over his shoulder, Jesse started on his way to the door; he was even kind enough to hold it open for me with my big pounds of luggage. I felt almost feminine, having so much stuff with me, but the travel back to England was a much harder trip than a trip around the US. I sort of packed everything only to make sure I had everything.

We took the same cab, but neither of us really talked. It was only about 4:45 in the morning when we reached the airport, so both of us were really groggy, but I had a notion that both of us were just sort of in the midst of our own thoughts. It didn’t take too long to get to the airport, but honestly it felt like five seconds had passed and - boom! - we were there.

I helped the cab driver take out our luggage and handed him the cash before rolling my bag with Jesse at my side. By the time we walked through the revolving doors, we were both stumped on where to go. I almost contemplated on simply leaving with Jesse so I wouldn’t get lost.

“My airline is all the way down there and yours is in the opposite direction,” Jesse finally piped up, though his voice was heavy with sadness. Of course our airlines would be light years away from one another. Leave it to fate to make things harder.

“I suppose that means we should part ways then, huh?”

It was a question neither of us wished to answer.

Cautiously placing his duffle bag to the floor, Jesse tried to keep his face stone-like as he came in and lightly put his arms around me in an embrace. Although I was stunned by the gesture, I was also very grateful that I could hold him. Wrapping my arms around the shorter man, I held him close to me and memorized the scent of his hair and the feeling of his body close to mine. Quite honestly, I didn’t want to let go. In the back of my mind, neither did he.

After holding one another for quite some time, I heard him sniff and start to let go. “You stay safe on that plane for me, okay, Andrew?”

Smiling, I held him for a second longer before letting go. “You know I will. Hey, it’s only three months. It’ll go by like that.” I snapped my fingers for emphasis.

Still, my words did not seem to comfort him. Nodding, Jesse awkwardly picked up his back and pushed out a sigh. “See you, then.”

And all I could do now was stand with my luggage and my carry on and watch him walk away and out of my life for three months. I tried my best to take that moment and memorize everything, anything I could to give me the slightest bit of comfort in all of this. I needed to know he was going to be okay on that plane and that all of this press that I was sure the movie would get wouldn’t drive him insane.

Once he was out of sight and blended in with the line waiting to confirm their boarding passes, I took that as the hint to start moving on. The line for my airline wasn’t too long - I couldn’t imagine many English to be here on a Tuesday, but my mind wasn’t on the tickets. Every so often, my eyes would glance back to see if I could catch a glimpse, but he was long gone by now. They weighed my bags, handed me my ticket, and sent me on my way. Shouldering my carry on, I ascended upon the escalator to take me to security and my gate where I would soon be on board a flight back to England. Still, I couldn’t get Jesse out of my mind.

Three months wouldn’t be that long, right?

Even I was beginning to even doubt that.

{ continue to part iv-a}