the last shot: part vi

[lafemmecasanova]

Rating: R
Warning: Language





| unwanted |

For four months, I pretended.

We all have choices to make, and he had chosen his. He chose to pretend, to act as though nothing had happened between the two of us. He had managed to walk back into that room without missing a beat in conversation. He spent the night beside Justin and Joe, both in which would have been the life of the party if it hadn’t been for Armie. When it came to being the center of attention, Armie could blow away the competition. No one suspected that he had been arguing only moments before. When I returned, he had been able to look me dead in the eye without flinching, without ever looking away. There was no sadness or regret. He was simply acting, and the world knew that Jesse could act.

I, too, had made my choice. Eventually, I mustered up enough courage to sit back down at the table with the rest of the group. Jesse wasn’t the only one acting, though I’m sure his performance was much better than my own. Shannon cuddled against my arm, content with the way the party was going, so I kept a bright smile plastered on my face to keep from looking too sullen. In the end, I knew I wouldn’t have left him. I knew I needed to stick around and remain his friend, no matter how I felt. My feelings had to remain at bay for the sake of keeping him. This was Jesse, after all, and there was never chance of me abandoning him. It just hurt like hell.

At least there were things like The Social Network to keep my mind off of it for the most part. The take-off for the movie had been more than anyone could have ever imagined. As it premiered in October, the buzz about it skyrocketed nearly overnight. During the opening weekend alone in the States, it made twenty-two million. Of course, we were enthralled, but I don’t think any of us were prepared for the sort of media firestorm it created behind it. Magazines and newspapers were going crazy over the film, filling their number one spots, over and over, with our names. I wasn’t the most tech-savvy person, but to get such an awesome rating from a site that Armie deemed “impossible to please” seemed simply golden. In just a couple of weeks, it had achieved international success.

It was almost something surreal, to be placed at such a high regard in the film industry. I felt a combination between swelling pride and fear. Pride was obvious. Obviously anyone would feel pride towards something they worked hard on for months. At least, people should when it comes to their work since it’s a lot of time and effort put into it. I know I sure as hell was bloody proud of The Social Network, so to see others enjoy it gave me a sense of pure joy that I don’t think really man words could ever express to its entirety.

On the other hand, I felt fear since this was the first big movie for me. Sure, I had gotten praise for some of the other films I had worked on, like Boy A, but this was a whole different ballgame. While that was all back in Europe, this was all over the world. When people started coming up to me, saying how they were going to bet that my name would be in the Oscar pot, I felt an immense rush of fear. My career was taking off in a direction I was hoping I would be ready for. Not only was The Social Network emerging successfully, but in a few months time, I had also received the role of the new Peter Parker. I was Spiderman. This was real, and it all seemed to be falling perfectly into place.

Everything seemed right.

And yet, it was nowhere near right. On the outside, sure, it was butterflies and rainbows, but on the inside circle, things were collapsing, towers were spilling, into desolate spaces for ghosts.

Opening up to Jesse was like opening up Pandora’s Box. I had no idea how to handle the situation, and all in all, I felt vulnerable, vulnerable to everything and everyone I had come in contact with over those four months. With Shannon, I felt nothing, and I suppose that she eventually caught the vibe that our relationship was in dire jeopardy. Over and over, we were on the brink of splitting up, only to make up in the end and go back to the way we were before. Ever since our first fight back at the hotel in September, everything had been uneasy. On my end, it wound up becoming very uncomfortable to be around her. I finally wound up realizing that I was ruining our relationship because I couldn’t shake the feelings, and she didn’t deserve that.

Eventually, she started to stay in my hotel rooms whenever I was around should her scheduling for Raising Hope allow time. Her career, too, was taking off, and many people speculated that perhaps we were so iffy because of time management conflicts. Maybe for a while I, too, believed that Shannon thought the very thing the media did. It wasn’t long after when I found out I was wrong… I was so very, very wrong.

When I came back one day from a conference concerning Spiderman, I found out. Shannon had gotten home early and had been watching television in the bedroom we shared. Sliding down the key card, I shuffled my way into the suite, pulled off my sunglasses, and allowed the door to close on its own.

“Shannon?” I called as I kicked off my shoes.

Although there was no answer, I could hear the faint sound of people speaking followed by a laugh track. As I began to venture towards the bedroom, I took note that the door was wide open, only to reveal a sitting Shannon. A bucket of ice cream with a spoon sticking out of the top was placed on her lap, and she had been intently staring at the screen in silence until my presence distracted her. The look she sent my way once her attention was directed towards me was definitely not the look I was hoping for. Instead, she looked unsure and upset; I immediately began to worry.

Dropping my back in the hallway, I cautiously walked towards the doorframe and swallowed. “Babe, are you okay?”

As she watched with a blank expression, it was obvious that behind her eyes she was struggling with something. Quite honestly, I couldn’t figure out what considering she seemed perfectly fine when I left this morning, so it was all the more concerning to me. Each step made her physically crumble more, so I slowed my pace, my eyes locked in a pleading stare. At last, when she decided to speak, her voice was barely audible.

“I know.”

Freezing in mid-step, I settled my foot down slowly while my heart began to race a mile a minute. The fear was settling in; ‘I know’  could mean a thousand and one things, but my heart instantly jumped to the first conclusion. The first conclusion is always the guiltiest, and I knew, too.

Either way, I couldn’t think of anything to say. My mind was blank. “What?”

“I know, Andrew.”

“Know what?”

For a moment, Shannon shook her head in disbelief and turned her face away from mine. Simultaneously, she moved the bucket of ice cream and drew her legs up to her chest. “You know what? The last thing you owe me is another lie. Don’t play dumb.”

I swallowed with a tense jaw. “Shannon…”

“Why?” Her voice wasn’t entirely cold, but the hurt was clearly evident. “You know? Why lie to me even more than you already have? I thought things were getting better.”

I couldn’t do this looking like a moron in the doorway. Turning, I gently shut us away before I leaned my back against it with my hands pressed between the door and my lower back. “I…tried to make us better, Shan, I did.”

“What, by fucking someone else?” She snapped, clearly losing her cool. I was appalled.

“I never… cheated on you, where would you even get that idea?!” Watching her face, I took in a heavy sigh and wet my lips. “Shannon, please look at me.”

Reluctantly, her head turned; even from all the way over here, I could see how misty her eyes had gotten. “I see the way you look at him.” When I started to walk closer to the bed, she held up a hand to signal stop, and so I obeyed. Nonetheless, I was alarmed. “I look back at everything now and I just see how you two looked at each other. I just thought it had to do with researching the roles. It looked like you were just trying to become Eduardo so you could love Mark the way that Sorkin envisioned their friendship.” Sniffing, she rubbed her nose with the back of her thumb. “I mean, I should have always known that it was different than that, even when it was on the set. It- It was real. Once you put two and two together, it was just obvious.”

“Shannon-”

“You love him.” Her voice cracked as she interrupted, and the waterfalls could hold themselves no longer. I felt her heart break coincide with my own, but in reality, I was the bad guy, the villain, in her life. All of this was my fault and it wasn’t like I could turn to someone else and point the finger. I should have known that this would eventually hurt her. It’s the reason why love stories never involved three people; it wasn’t practical. Still, she continued. “I was here all along, watching you two, and I never knew. You could have told me, Andrew, rather than pretend-”

I frowned. “Shannon, I never pretended-”

“Andrew,” Shannon warned in a raised tone, “let me… get everything out, alright? You may like to keep secrets, but I don’t. I promised I would never lie to you from the moment we met, and I kept it. I never lied to you. I just wish… I just wish you would have come to me instead of drag this along like a dead body in a street.” Biting her lower lip, she lightly cried. “I mean, did you ever even love me?”

I kept myself calm and composed, but I knew I was crumbling on the outside as well. Fighting a cry, I nodded and took in a shaky breath. “I loved you. I would never lie about that.”

“But he’s just better,” she responded with a bite in her words.

My mouth opened to counter, to tell her that Jesse had no part in this, but I had done enough damage. To fight now would just be a waste of time. There wasn’t anything I could truly say to make any of this better. “I never wanted to lie to you.”

“So you’re admitting it, then.”

“Admitting what?”

“That you love him.” Her voice trembled violently as she struggled to get the words out. “That you fell in love with Jesse.”

Looking at her merely reminded me of living in England a year ago, when Carey stepped into my home to pay me a visit. She looked me dead in the eye, in all serious, and had asked me the same question. ‘Are you in love with him?’ Long ago, it was decided that it wasn’t some sort of puppy love by someone else. Only now did I finally admit to the outside world that it was, in fact, true. I was the only one still denying it. Yet, how can you tell someone you were still sharing a bed with that you were in love with another man? Finally, it was my turn to fall apart as I took strides towards the bed. Lighting patting the edge of the bed, my lips pursed and my gaze zeroed in on the sheets, incapable of looking elsewhere. I had a promise to uphold, no matter how much I had betrayed it in the past. I owed her at least that much.

“I…” Speaking had to have been the hardest action to attempt. “I didn’t know what to do.”

For some reason, her voice grew soft. “What do you mean?”

“I can’t…” I croaked. My hand on the mattress clenched a fistful of sheets for salvation.

“Why not?” I heard a slight creak come from the bed as the voice grew nearer. “Why can’t you tell me?”

“If… it’s just… how you…” I trailed off. My hold body shook violently and I swore I would vomit right on my socks.

Then I felt a warm hand cover mine, white with pain, and a soothing voice coo my name. “Andrew.”

I lost it.

“How are you supposed to tell people that you’re-that you’re head over heels for a co-star, for another man? You wake up, and you have this funny feeling when they walk by, but you look past it. Next thing you know, you suddenly want to be around them, all the time, no matter what day of the week it is or what you planned earlier. You want to learn everything about them even if you think the connection is solely based on the roles you… you have to explore, day in and day out, and you become…” Little by little, I felt myself give in, and slowly my expression contorted to one of pain. “You become so engrossed in your little fairytale that you forget about the world, the real world, and stick with the one you came up on a bloody set of a movie. You realize that whatever this feeling you have, it can never be real because it’s not real, but… but you lose yourself. You lose yourself for a little while until it’s too late, and once it’s too late, you see how much you fucked it all up. A-And then you come home and see the damage you’ve done to everyone you’ve ever cared about-to the damage I’ve done to you and I just…I…”

Allowing a cry to rip through my chest, my knees gave out and I crumbled at the foot of the bed in a heap of uncontrollable sobs and what felt like a thousand apologies. Essentially, I had ruined everything when I went after Jesse, when I started to pursue this silly little love game. I knew that it would have never manifested into anything, but I still tried. I disregarded everyone else, and I felt the need to repent right there, right then, at the foot of the bed Shannon and I shared.

What had thrown me off guard was the movement going on above my head. The grip on my hand tightened and I could feel Shannon’s free hand lightly run through my hair as she whispered back things I couldn’t quite grasp. My sobs deafened me to a pathetic state of nothingness, and now that Shannon was there, I just couldn’t stop.

“I could never tell you and let you be ashamed of me. I loved you so goddamn much, Shannon, please believe me when I say it. My feelings for you were never false. I loved him, I-I truly did, I loved Jesse with all my heart but I should have known… God, Shan, I’m so sorry. I am so, so sorry…”

Shannon stood up and removed herself from the bed, temporarily causing my hand to lie limp on the bed. She carefully took a seat beside me on the floor and attempted to pull me close. Unable to pull away, I obeyed and leaned my head on her shoulder and continued to sob in her arms. Silently she sat there, running my hand through my hair while keeping me close. For a few moments, she said nothing and simply allowed me to cry until they, too, were silent.

“It’s okay, Andrew, it’s okay,” I heard her whisper into my forehead before brushing her lips against it. With the way I felt them curve, I knew I wasn’t the only one crying.

I sniffed and shook my head. “I never meant for this to happen to us.”

“I know, baby.”

“Never, I mean it. You’re one of my best friends, and I hurt you so many times…”

“Andrew.” Shannon paused. I may have hesitated, but eventually my chin lifted to look up. I wasn’t sure how I could lose myself so quickly in front of her. I was at my weakest moment and, unfortunately, she had been there to witness it all.

“Yeah?” I weakly replied.

Slow and steady, she breathed in and exhaled in a short huff. “I forgive you.”

Keeping myself from breaking out into another heap of sobs, I clutched onto her, my eyes back to the floor. “I don’t deserve your forgiveness.”

Drawing me closer, Shannon tilted my head with her hand so my eyes were level with hers a second time. “You can’t control who you love, Andrew. You are my best friend, and I would do anything for you. The heart wants what the heart wants, and if it’s not me…” She paused, pulling in another ragged breath as she, too, calmed from the storm. “If it isn’t me in the end, I would want it to be someone who made you happy. I saw the way you two were around each other, and I brushed it off as a close friendship but now… now I know, and I want you to be happy. I always want you to be happy, no matter what, and I’m going to be here for you for anything.”

Even I knew it took a lot to actually forgive someone for such bullshit. “I don’t deserve any of it.”

“You don’t need to,” was whispered in my ear.

Rubbing my eyes, I shook my head. “So that’s it then?”

Sighing heavily, Shannon rubbed my back. I felt her chin move, indicating that she was nodding. “For the most part, yeah. We’ll just… be friends. We’ll be best friends.”

“But we can’t.”

“I know we can’t.”

“The media-”

“We’re going to keep having to pretend,” Shannon murmured sadly.

Sitting up gradually, my eyes, puffy and burning, managed to get a good look at her face. Clearly all of this was killing her, but she was somehow managing to stay here to soldier on for me. The pure selflessness pouring from her words left me in awe. What I wanted to say is that I didn’t deserve it, that she should have just left, but I was too tired, too emotionally drained, to continue fighting. “You mean like faking the relationship.”

“Yeah.”

“For the sake of our careers.”

“Just until your movie campaign is over. I don’t think many people would take much about my show, but… with you and with the whole Oscar nomination-”

“Shannon.” My voice suddenly acquired strength, and I stared her in the eye. The Oscars or any other bloody award event had to be the last thing I wanted to speak about at a time like this. Shannon seemed to understand, for she nodded her head and brought me back closer to her with her arms.

“We’ll get through it, Drew. It’ll all get better.”

We must’ve fallen asleep not too long after that because I couldn’t remember much else that night. We stayed together for the media, for the movie’s sake, and somehow managed to remain friends. I don’t know how she managed to do it; I don’t know how she deemed me worthy to even try. In those few months, she managed to support me for the way I felt about men, though it blew my mind. Everything about Jesse was kept a secret, but she knew that he and I were never going to be together. We both knew that it would never work out, not with how the way our lives were going. It was best kept as a simple secret behind the cameras and nothing more.

We attended several events together and tried to keep touching at a minimal for pictures only. We may have made up and she may have said to follow my heart, but we were still each other’s exes, so awkward moments were bound to happen. Seeing Jesse always made a slight cringe manifest in my stomach, so I actually wound up sticking to Shannon’s side during most events come fall and winter. There was the occasional time where I would be with Jesse and things would be… well, they would be the same, yet there was always and an undertone of awkwardness between us. I noticed that as the months rolled on and the parties and events only increased in importance, Jesse had started going to them alone more frequently. Anna seemed nowhere to be found.

I made it obvious that I adored him; even Carey pointed that out a couple of times on the phone with me whenever I had some down time. Emma definitely pointed it out every freaking second that she could in about whatever little new “cute” thing we did on an interview together or in a paparazzi photo. Of course, it didn’t help, but Emma was one of those people that you could never get mad at.

“You know, I definitely see you staring at his ass in this one.”

Emma had come over for the day, but after getting bored with our movie, she wound up popping onto my laptop to go on the internet real quick. What I found out, though, was that her intentions were anything but pure. She turned her body on the couch so that I was unable to see the screen of the computer, and clearly it was all intentional.

“Emma,” I warned, flicking through the channels at a leisurely pace. “Can you not- Wait, I’m staring at his ass?”

“Clear as day,” Emma replied playfully, though she scooted backwards when I advanced on the couch to look over the laptop’s lid. “No, you’re not seeing the comments people are putting. Just take my word for it.”

I was floored. “Comments? What kind of site are you on, Em?”

“Just trust me on this, bud; you’re not the only one rooting for this relationship to happen.”

Groaning, I flopped back onto the couch and continued to surf. It wasn’t until she giggled and slapped a hand over her mouth that I became concerned. “There isn’t a relationship.”

“Says you, but I’m not breaking the fourth wall,” Emma quickly replied under her breath. At an instant, I leaped up and held out my hand.

“That’s it. Give me the laptop.”

“What?”

“What the hell is a fourth wall?”

Emma was furiously clicking away before she innocently stared up at me. Motioning for her to give it to me, she picked it up and handed it over reluctantly. “It’s nothing.”

Flipping the laptop so that the screen was facing me, I sighed heavily and shut the lid. “You cleared the history.”

“It’s for your own good,” she sweetly answered before flashing an innocent smile. “Now, let’s go get us some pizza and watch some Hoarders! C’mon, I’m starving!”

I never bothered to look at the laptop and whatever sites she could have been looking on with comments about paparazzi photos. Seeing whatever pictures they had of us would only make the fact that we weren’t going to ever be anything more permanent. Months went by and my whole life became an acting role. I was Andrew Garfield, straight male, taken by a beautiful actress, apparently totally happy with his life due to his successful new career as Spiderman, and had a thing for hipster clothing. Although genuinely happy with Jesse, behind the cameras was a totally different face. It was weary, gloomy, dead.

And it stayed like that for weeks until one night in January.

Quite frankly, my hotel rooms had become very lonely places to be. Shannon didn’t really show up for things anymore unless it was the occasional important event in which she sort of had to be there. Most of the time, I was on my own. Jesse never stopped over; why would he? There was no reason for him to deal with my moping ass. He was happy. Everything was fine.

At least, I thought everything was fine.

I had been busy getting ready to go out when I heard two meek knocks on my door. That night I wasn’t expecting any company, so I cautiously stepped towards the door and opened it, only to reveal a curly-haired boy with a pale face and puffy red eyes. Immediately, I was alarmed.

“Jesse?” I whispered in a completely bewildered voice.

Clearly he was struggling with something; it was evident in the way the muscles in his face twitched. His voice was barely audible. “Can… C-Can I come in?”

A few moments I stood there, dumbfounded, registering that he was even at my doorstep, but eventually I nodded and stepped out of the way. Jesse came barging in, his arms wrapped tightly around his middle. For a second, I swore he was hiding something in his hands, but I shook it off and shut the door. “What’s wrong?”

“I-I just need…” Jesse swallowed and stopped in his tracks once he reached the sitting room. He turned to me, but his eyes were looking at everything except me. “I just need… need a place to stay, for the night, o-or something. Just. Just, I have to, I can’t go… back, I can’t go back there.”

Now I was overwhelmed with concern. “Jesse?”

Snapping out of it, Jesse looked up at me, but his eyes were distant. “Yeah?”

“What’s… wrong?”

“Oh, uh, there’s just… Why are you asking?”

“Because you’re acting like a crazy person,” I replied slowly, though I sighed and realized how harsh that probably came out as. We fell silent for a few minutes with me still standing against the door and him looking awkward in the middle of the room’s lounge area. There was nothing I could truly say. Usually I had to mentally prepare myself to see Jesse, but today… I was caught off guard.

“It- It’s nice to see you,” he started, but I knew better than to fall for that trap.

“Jesse, why are you here?” My question came out harsher than intended.

Jesse even flinched at the question, for god’s sakes. “No reason.”

“Your eyes are puffy, you won’t let go of your stomach, and you look like you just died.”

“So?”

“So don’t come in here to tell me that nothing’s wrong,” I firmly responded. Gathering myself, I ran a hand through my hair and calmed down. I needed to act better than this; I was better than this. “What’s on your mind?”

Jesse bit his lower lip, his posture faltering, but he managed to attempt a broken smile. “Did you know that Anna broke up with me?”

The only words I could come up with saying were expletives. Running a hand down my face, I tried to wake myself up for this one. Jesse was my best friend, sure, but we were still in that sort of limbo stage where we had no idea what to do with each other. We acted fine and dandy when, in reality, there was an elephant standing directly between us that neither of us wished to address. The fact that Shannon had broken up with me and, now, Jesse was recently single as well was simply a smack in the face. In addition to that, coming to me for comfort almost seemed way too ironic after reminding myself that a few months ago I was trying to convince him to leave her.

I let out a heavy sigh. “When did this happen?”

“This morning.”

“Shit, seriously?” Jesse nodded. “That recently?” Another nod. “Did she tell you why?”

He shrugged timidly. “She said that we were growing apart a-and that it was best that we remained friends, you know, normal relationship stuff that people say in order to make the wound hurt less.”

What struck me odd was the fact that Jesse had no problem telling me about his break-up with Anna. Any other person who was apparently devastated by a break-up would be crying or not acting so… calm. Don’t get me wrong, Jesse wasn’t the average human being, but my newfound spidey-senses were telling me that this wasn't the true problem. This was only the one lying on the surface; the real issue was hidden deep beneath everything, and I needed to know what was wrong. I wasn’t planning on standing there to let him blatantly avoid it.

“But…”

“But what?” His eyes shifted nervously to the wall.

I took my time assessing the situation. “But there’s something else.”

Jesse shot a look that screamed guilty. “What?”

I began advancing. “What are you hiding, Jess?”

“Jesse,” he corrected.

“Whatever, you’re hiding something from me.”

“I am not.”

Pausing in my step, I took a moment to tilt my head to the side and roll my eyes half-heartedly. “So now you’re going to resort to lying to me?”

“I wasn’t ly- It’s nothing, alright? Absolutely nothing, besides, why do you care?”

“Why- Why do I care?”I asked incredulously. “Did you seriously just ask me that?”

“I didn’t ask you anything!” He exclaimed. “I just-” And then he sat down, exasperated, as he tried to keep it all together in front of me. He moved to sit on the couch, though his head was in his hands. I remained standing, watching, waiting for whatever was going to come out of his mouth, but instead I heard faint whimpers and sniffs. Immediately, I became concerned, but I kept my feet planted.

“Jesse?” I asked softly.

“I didn’t mean for it to happen, it just did,” he croaked from his hands before glancing up at me. My face instantly fell when I saw the tears bubbling up in his eyes. Shrugging, it seemed as though he was trying to understand his mental state, but it was obvious he could only sit and deal. “I didn’t even know it was happening, but you would think that I would since I was there.”

“What happened?”

Still, he refused to be straight up. “I mean, I could have prevented it from happening, but I’m not exactly the strongest Jew in the neighborhood, you know? I didn’t know how to defend myself and when people are drunk they-”

“Jesse.” Somehow I had managed to stride across the sitting room to kneel directly in front of him. My gaze was sincerely worried; he wasn’t making much sense, thus concerning me even further. I almost reached to put my hand on his knee to get him to stop talking, but as soon as my hand lifted from my side, I retracted. Four months and I still had no idea how to act around him. “Tell me.”

Jesse had a hard time looking me in the eye. The very thought had an intense effect on him; it was a rarity, to see him cry. Out of the two of us, I had always been the emotional one. Finally, he spoke up, but his words went a mile a minute. “I went over to Justin’s hotel about four blocks from here.”

“Justin’s?”

“Yes, he had offered me drinks.”

“And you said yes?”

He sniffed and rubbed his nose. “Why is that so shocking?”

“Because it’s you.”

“Me?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Since when do you recreationally drink?”

“I didn’t drink that much.” His tone changed. “But he did.”

“Who did?”

“Justin.”

“Justin was drunk?” Jesse fell silent. “What happened once you got there?”

He swallowed. “He started pouring drinks and shoving the glasses at me. By the time I got there, he was already half drunk, so I couldn’t stop him from downing them. I guess I should have tried to take it away from him, but I didn’t know to do, so I sat there. I-I sat there and listened to him talk about Jessica for a while, but then something else came up, a-and I wasn’t expecting it.” A slow breath was emitted, but it was shaky. By the way he fidgeted on the couch I knew this wasn’t ending well. “He started talking about us.”

I reared my head back. “Us?”

“As in, Justin and I.”

“Oh.” Silence fell.

“He told me he was bisexual.”

I practically fell back in shock. “What?!”

“N-N-Not bisexual, he put it as bi-curious.”

“Bi-curious?”

Jesse’s voice was barely above a whisper. “He… He said that he was g-going through this phase, and ever si-since The Social- The Social Network, he had…” For a moment, he trailed off, clearly uncomfortable speaking about this. “…wanted me.”

Immediately, my blood ran cold and I could only stare blankly, stunned. Well, that had been a curveball that still explained a shit ton in this mess. I had no idea what to say, and even if I did, I didn’t actually know how to form coherent sentences. Justin wanted Jesse. Justin had wanted Jesse in nearly the same way as I had. My mind flashed back to that fateful moment in the suite, that moment where I stood, pained by a certain voicemail. Justin was standing beside me, spewing venom in my ear.

“I picked up the pieces, Andrew, not you. You left him, and I was there, and I won’t let you waltz right back in. You mean nothing.”

Gazing up at Jesse once I had snapped back to reality, I immediately reached up to touch the side of his face when I saw him struggle to keep calm.

“…so then he just started telling me how badly he-he wanted to do things with me, and… and I tried to leave, but there was no way out because I’d have to go through him to get to the door. So I tried to explain that he was drunk, but-but he just kept telling me how… how badly he had wanted to have me a-and he… he…” He looked positively ashamed. “He kissed me, Andrew, and I tried to get him off of me. Luckily I ran after he kissed me but… Andrew?”

He kissed me, Andrew.

Kissed me.

Kissed.

A siren blew off and I hadn’t noticed my hands were balled into fists until I felt the physical pain of constricted blood flow. All of this made sense now. The constant struggle between us wasn’t some sort of work-related or personal vendetta; it was because he felt there was a triangle, a love triangle between three men. Although everything might have seemed absolutely confusing, it was coming off as eye-opening as well. It made sense, now, why he wanted to spend so much time with Jesse, taking him from me. He saw me as a threat.

Now we’d see who the bigger threat was.

“Andrew?” Jesse repeated, though this time a little louder.

“Stay here,” was all I could get out as I rose to my feet. My eyes were already searching for my shoes.

“What- What are you doing?”

“Going out.”

“Now?” he squeaked.

“I’ll be back soon.”

Bi-curious. He was fucking bi-curious and drunk and putting his hands all over Jesse when he shouldn’t have. It wasn’t long before Jesse got the hint and was jumping up from the couch after me.

“Andrew, I know what you’re about to do.” I said nothing. “Drew, look at me!”

I was over by the hallway leading to the door putting on my shoes when he yelled. Looking up in surprise, I could see the pain in his eyes. He was thinking that he had said too much. My voice was low, like a growl. “He shouldn’t have put his hands on you.”

“Ple- Please don’t go over there.”

“I’ll be back in an hour.”

“Andrew!”

“Stay here.” It wasn’t like me to bark orders out at Jesse, but I was too blinded by the anger that he felt hurt and violated to really see that. Much to my surprise, Jesse stayed where he was, by the couch, but he looked positively torn. For a moment his eyes flickered, to the ground and to the couch, and then landed right back to me. I reciprocated the gaze, though mine was full of an angered intensity he couldn’t match. Either way, he knew I wasn’t going to stick around and not do anything about it. I knew in the back of his mind- no, he damn well knew altogether that I still cared for him; otherwise, he would’ve gone to me about the breakup when it happened. He knew that in both of our minds, in that moment, we would have sought out a chance, a chance to be together, once and for all, but he had waited until now to tell me.

Slamming the door behind me once I had my coat in my hands, I pulled it on and practically punched the ground floor button. I almost half expected Jesse to come running out, but I think he knew me well enough to know I was on a mission to deliver Justin a message. The elevator ride felt like an hour in itself and by the time I reached the ground floor and the city outdoors, the night had already started to come to life with tourists and people looking to party. Pulling the hood over my head, just in case if any paparazzi were about, I stalked the streets for the hotel that Justin had been staying at. With each step, I felt my anger increase; strangely enough, I felt betrayed. It wasn’t Jesse’s fault, no, I wasn’t blaming him, but Justin had had a choice, drunk or not.

It wasn’t long until I found it.

Pushing the hood back once inside, I immediately rushed over to the front desk and asked where Justin was staying. Somehow I managed a charmingly at-ease smile despite how I was fuming at the ears. The receptionist seemed intrigued, but I was of no interest to be flirting around now. She told me that he was on the fourth floor of the hotel and had slipped me a piece of paper of what I had thought to have been the room number just to remind me a second time, like I could forget, but once I had opened it on the elevator going up, I realized that it was a phone number complete with an emoticon wink. Rolling my eyes, I crumpled the paper and discarded it on the floor before the lift made a ‘ding!’ I’d make up for littering eventually.

Finally reaching the fourth floor, I wasted no time walking to his room, though by now I was about ready to lose control and punch his lights out. It didn’t take that far of a walk to find Room 406. Clenching my hand in a fist, my arm raised and banged on the door. “Justin.” My voice was feigning calm, composure, but the second round of bangs came out much violently. “Justin, open the door.”

As if on cue, Justin opened the door just a tad, but I wasn’t going to wait outside or ask to come in. I pushed open the door, forcing an entry and catching him off guard. Justin stumbled backwards, catching himself on the wall. With the way his movements were, it was plain as day to see that he was twice as drunk from when Jesse had been there.

“What the fuck, dude?!” Justin asked as he fell to the ground, though his words were slightly mixed together, so it more or less came out like whuthufucude?

“You partying alone?” I asked while observing the room. The sheets were messed up from one bed, and suddenly a surge of fire ran through my veins. I could just imagine him pushing Jesse back, asking him to give in to what he wanted. It blinded me with rage.

“Whu- Yeah, wait, no, I wasn’t… At least I don’t think I was. Dude, c’mon, grab a shot glass, we’ll toast to-”

“Don’t fucking talk to me, Justin.”

Picking himself up, Justin braced his body against the door as he tried to catch his balance. “What is your problem?!”

Finally turning around, I gave him a look of disgust and shook my head. “My problem? What is my problem? What about your problem, Justin, when you fucking lay your hands on Jesse, huh? What the fuck gives you that right?”

Pausing, Justin took a moment to regroup before his face broke out into a grin. “So this is what you came here for.”

“Do you know what he did?”

“He had it comin’ to him. He seduced me.”

My jaw nearly dropped in pure repulsion. “Do you hear yourself right now?”

“And so he brought his knight in fucking armor to come over here, right? Or did you come on your own?” He continued and pointed an accusing finger in my direction. “You have to stay out of people’s business.”

“Jesse’s business is my business if he’s coming to me, shaking and crying because of whatever you did.”

“I kissed him, for fuck’s sake, I didn’t grab his cock and-”

“Shut up.”

“-shove it in my mouth-”

“I said shut up!” I bellowed. With only a few quick strides, I was over at the door with my arm pressing Justin’s neck against the wall, pinning him there. My body was on overdrive and I couldn’t control my anger; the thing propelling me was the image of Jesse, crying in my hotel suite, and that was enough to kill him in my eyes. The gesture clearly scared drunken Justin, but he still had a slight air of arrogance. I pushed harder. “Put your hands on him again and see what happens.”

I didn’t expect him to chuckle in my face. “Hit me, pretty boy. You won’t do it.”

“You have no idea what I’d do.”

“Hit me.” The bloke even stuck his neck out. “If it makes you feel any better that I’ll eventually fuck Jesse, then go ahead and hi-”

He didn’t need to ask twice.

Without a moment’s hesitation more, I winded back my arm and punched him straight in the face, dropping my other arm from his neck. He stumbled with a groan, though somehow he sobered up and got to his feet a mere seconds after the hit. It wasn’t long until his fist made contact with the side of my face. Surprisingly, the force of the hit was stronger than I had expected, causing me to stumble backwards, but not fall quite yet. Justin’s face seemed scorched with red as he launched himself at me with a drawn back arm. I barely even had time to block the attack, so I could only hold my arms out, grab his shoulders, and force him to the ground in order to keep him from adding another blow. He cursed as he fell heavily on his back, but his hands grabbing at my shirt caused me to fall with him. With the split second that my guard was down, his knee dug into my stomach, knocking the wind right out of me. It wasn’t long until I was the one on the ground, now receiving blows from Justin, who hadn’t missed a single beat. Apparently he was ready to beat the shit out of my face.

There was no way in hell I was going to just sit here and let him, either. Since he was on an angle, I yelled, grabbed him, and flipped us over so that now I had the better advantage. Blinded by fury, I was the one now delivering the blows. Every punch reminded me of how angry I was with him for taking advantage, for trying to put Jesse, my Jesse, in a situation he didn’t want to be in. I couldn’t stop, not even when the blows to his body got slippery. It wasn’t until I heard a slight breathy scream come from under me did I stop.

Out of breath, I snapped out of it and looked down. Blood was all over Justin’s face, and when I looked at my hand, still balled in a fist, it was matching in color. His hands were over his face as he whimpered with his eyes tightly shut. The word ‘stop’ continued to flow out of his mouth, over and over, sobering me up. This wasn’t like me. I didn’t beat people to a pulp, especially when I was the one who wasn’t under the influence.

Dropping my arm, I stared down in a little of what could have been described as disbelief as I dismounted. Rolling to the side, my back pressed against the bed as I stared down at my hands. They were covered in blood, Justin’s blood. It was a stupid, impulsive move on my part, but I had never been pushed that far over the edge before. Leaning my head back against the mattress, I listened to his whimpers and whispers, like ‘Oh god, my face’ and ‘No more, please no more’. I didn’t know what to say or do. The best thing would be to help him, to make sure that no major damage had happened, but I wasn’t in the right mindset to think rationally.

So I left.

I got up, leaving him to cower on the floor holding his gushing nose, and left. I put my hood back up, said nothing to anyone I came near, and walked back to my hotel room. I didn’t want to think about what I had just done or what sort of consequences would fall from them in the long run. Beating the living shit could have ultimately fucked up my career big time, but I had no control over what I had just done. Jesse had a way of making me completely raw and animalistic if needed. I could be his best friend. I could be his protector. I could be the shoulder he cried on. I could be his lover.

Whatever Jesse needed, I could be, and in the end, it would probably kill me.

Creeping into my hotel room, I was surprised to open the door to the lights off. Suspicious, I flicked them back on and craned my neck to the right in order to get a look at the sitting room. On the couch was Jesse curled up in a ball under a blanket he must have taken from the master bedroom. He was clutching onto a pillow for dear life in his deep sleep. The sight of it caused butterflies to rupture in my stomach.

Keeping as quiet as I could, I went into the bathroom and turned on the faucet. My hands were still covered in blood, but surprisingly my face didn’t look as bad as it felt. Gazing up at the mirror, I stopped scrubbing for a moment and watched as if I was waiting for my reflection to change on me.

Four months later and I was still as in love with him as I had been when I admitted it to his face. When was I ever going to wake up to reality?

I don’t think I’d ever have a true answer. One moment I could say yes, that one day these feelings would dissipate and I would finally be free of my feelings and the next I could realize that I would never get over Jesse even if I spent all the time in the world trying. I would just never know.

Once the blood was completely washed off of my body, I pulled my buttoned shirt over my head and draped it over the tub. I’d just wash it later and hope that Jesse wouldn’t discover it and have a meltdown over the spots of blood on it.

My walk to the master bedroom was halted by a slight moan on the couch. Whipping my head around like a deer caught in headlights, I reversed my step to see if Jesse was okay. He was half awake, peering up at me in his little blanket fortress. His eyes were barely staying open as he drifted back and forth from half awake to sleeping.

“When did you get home?” he mumbled. The word home made my heart jump, but I couldn’t tell you why.

“Go back to sleep, Jesse,” I said gently with a slight smile.

“Are you okay?”

“Absolutely, mate.”

“Is it…” Jesse trailed off, drifting off into sleep for a while before coming to. “Is it okay if I stay here tonight? I realized I never asked, but this couch is really comfy…and…”

As he started falling back asleep, I couldn’t help but chuckle. As if he could get any cuter. Unable to help myself, I reached down and stroke his exposed cheek with my finger. “You would never even have to ask, Jess. Goodnight.”

It took everything in me not to add ‘I love you’.

Walking back to the entrance hallway, I shut off the light and quietly tip-toed to my room. Before I could disappear for the night, I paused at the doorframe, looking back at the couch. It could always be like this, I mused to myself. I could always be coming home to him at night taking an early sleep or look up from the tele to see him come in with six more cats. It could always be me and him, together, sharing the same room.

I shut off the bedroom light and closed the door.