Jump the Track: Chapter 7 Part 2
Part 2
Dean didn’t know if he could face going into school the next day. He’d only gotten around an hour of sleep in the end and he felt like crap, but he knew that if he said he was sick his parents would think he was hungover. Which was only half true. The thought of going in and seeing Castiel made his stomach squirm unpleasantly, and the knowledge that the other guy was probably feeling just as uncomfortable didn’t help in the slightest.
Sam looked at him sideways as they drove in that morning. “Dean, are you okay? You’re looking a little... caffeinated.”
“I’m fine!” Dean snapped. “Everything’s just fine. I’m fine. Keep your eyes on the road.”
“You’re the one driving, you keep your eyes on the road!”
“Would you relax?”
“Dean...”
“Stop yelling!”
“I’m not yelling,” Sam said calmly. “I’m just... concerned.”
Dean swallowed. “It’s fine. Seriously. I’m sorry, Sammy, I’m just kinda stressed about, you know, school.”
“You’re stressed about school?”
Dean forced himself to calm down. There was no point making Sam worry about him because of this. He just needed to be Dean Winchester. He’d done it before, and he could do it now. “Yeah.” He gave his brother an easy grin. “Not a big deal, I just got a math test coming up, that’s all. Henriksen’s been pushing me pretty hard since I made the mistake of letting on that I’m not as dumb as I look. It’s not a big deal, really. Uh... sorry about the spazz.”
Sam looked at him like Dean wasn’t fooling anyone. “Okay. Well, I have to do something with the debate team after school. Will you wait around or should I get the bus?”
“Nah, I can wait. You enjoy the debate team, Sammy?”
“Yeah, it’s cool.”
“And it has lots of members?”
“Quite a few, I guess.”
“Mm-hm. So... you do a lot of mass debating, then?”
“Yeah, we...” Sam gave him a look of deep disappointment. “Doesn’t it worry you that I’m four years younger than you, yet I’m the mature one?”
Dean laughed. That was better. Better to be the idiot big brother than a cause for concern.
...
Castiel wasn’t in home room. Dean saw him in English, but he slipped out before Dean had a chance to confront him. Not that he’d tried. In fact, Castiel did an excellent job of avoiding him all day, and Dean couldn’t help but feel relieved. Until he’d worked out what he felt, he didn’t want to actually deal with anything. As the week wore on, however, it started to bother him. Cas just disappeared whenever he saw Dean. He was there and then he was gone, and he wouldn’t even look at Dean let alone talk to him. Dean had even sent him a couple of texts suggesting that they should talk, but Cas hadn’t replied. It made him feel panicky. He was scared to confront what had happened, but more than that he missed Castiel. He didn’t care if it was awkward, he just wanted for them to talk and figure something out and be okay with each other. It was impossible when Castiel could just slip away from him and disappear. It did lend some plausibility to Dean’s theory that Cas was secretly a ninja though.
More worryingly, Dean couldn’t stop himself from thinking about the kiss. He remembered how Cas had made him tingle, had made his pulse race, his head spin. It hadn’t just been from shock. Something about it had felt good and right, and that freaked the hell out of him. He’d find himself wondering how it would feel to kiss Castiel again, how it would feel if neither of them pulled away. He thought about what Cas would taste like, what it would feel like to put his arms around him. He’d never even entertained thoughts about another guy like this. Never once considered it. But then Cas had come along and had taken Dean by surprise, somehow managing to work his way under Dean’s skin without even trying. Without it being scary. Dean had dreams about him, about the way he’d look at Dean like there was nothing else on Earth, about his strength and his gentleness, about the soft whimpering noise he’d made when he’d crushed their lips together that night. Dean would awake from these dreams breathless, afraid and almost painfully hard.
By Friday he thought he was going out of his mind. He felt angry because what right did Castiel have to do this to him? To throw everything into chaos, then disappear and leave Dean to deal with it by himself? It wasn’t fair. He didn’t care anymore that Cas was probably scared too. He just wanted... he didn’t know what he wanted. He wanted to stop feeling this way. He wanted to go back to how it had been before, when Dean knew who he was and what he wanted and there were no weird doubts and urges. Well, fine. Fine. If Castiel didn’t want anything to do with him, that was just fine. Dean would just forget the whole thing had ever happened. He was good at that, forgetting. He’d move on from one more fucking disappointment. He’d go back to what he knew he could do.
He sent Lisa a text asking her if she’d like to go out that night.
Naturally, she replied with an affirmative.
It was going to be all right, he told himself. He’d go out, have sex with Lisa in the back of his car, and everything would be back to normal.
Everything would be fine.
...
He couldn’t go through with it in the end; he’d made an excuse about having to go to the garage early the next morning and had dropped Lisa off at home without even trying to get into her pants. She hadn’t been happy.
Dean was totally screwed. He’d thought that if he just reminded himself of who he really was everything would be okay again, but it hadn’t worked. He’d tried to be interested in what Lisa was saying about moving to LA, her new pet dog, cheerleading competitions... He’d never found it so hard to focus on a woman in his life. He just didn’t care. He didn’t care enough to even pretend. He missed being with Cas, who he never had to pretend with, who he could just be with.
He’d tried to kiss Lisa then, thinking that it might help, but it had just felt so... wrong. She was wearing this really sticky lipgloss that tasted of bubblegum, and it had been kind of off-putting. Castiel’s lips had been dry, but they were soft and sensual, and Dean remembered the brush of stubble against his lips, the way Cas had gripped the lapels of his jacket so tightly. Lisa just didn’t feel right. The noises she made sounded false, like she knew what he’d like and was playing the part. He’d never noticed that before. There was a knowing look in her eyes, and okay he liked his women to be sexually confident, but... he missed the way Castiel would look at him. That open look of his, like Dean was something special. He felt like being with Lisa was some kind of betrayal, even though that was stupid because Castiel hadn’t even talked to him since the kiss, so Dean was free to do as he pleased. Only this really didn’t please him anymore. He’d gone home frustrated, scared and confused.
Dean broke into his parents’ drinks cabinet when he got in and helped himself to a shot or three of bourbon. He sat back on the sofa, breathing deeply, feeling the warm spread of the alcohol down his legs, through his brain. When he’d reached the point where impulse outweighed fear of consequences, he picked up his phone.
JO I NEED 2 TLK ABT CAS. U FREE 2MORO?
...
There was no getting out of it. Dean woke up the next day to a reply from Jo telling him to come over after work, and he knew his best friend well enough to realize she wouldn’t let him worm his way out of it. So after he’d gotten home and showered he went next door to Jo’s house, his stomach jittery.
Ellen opened the door, and grinned when she saw him. “Dean! Good to see you.” She pulled him into a slightly painful hug. “Come on in. I hope you haven’t come over on behalf of your daddy. You tell him I won that money fair and square, and he’s a sore loser!”
Dean laughed. “Nah, he should know better by now than to take you on at poker. I just came by to see Jo. She in?”
“Mm-hm, she’s in the den - just go on down.”
“Thanks, Ellen.”
Dean went down to the basement which the Harvelle’s had converted into a rec room. Jo was sprawled on a bean bag chair playing Grand Theft Auto, but she paused the game when she saw Dean.
She laughed at him. “God, Dean, you look like you’re going to your death!”
Dean rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m just... you know, there’s really nothing to talk about. I don’t know why I-”
“Dean, stop fidgeting and sit down. You wanted to talk, so let’s talk. You said it was something about Castiel?”
Dean breathed in deeply. He knew there was no getting out of it now, but he didn’t know what to say. Moreover, he didn’t know whether he should tell anyone about what had happened. Still, he knew he could trust Jo to keep quiet and not to judge, and he felt like if he didn’t get this off his chest he might go crazy.
“He kissed me,” he whispered. “On... on Monday night, Cas kissed me.”
Jo’s eyes grew very wide. “Oh wow,” she breathed. “Are you serious? I didn’t think he’d ever get up the courage.”
Dean looked at her, stunned. “You... you... what?”
She grimaced. “Dean, it’s been kind of... I mean, the two of you are... different, you know? You were never just friends. Everything’s so intense and, I don’t know, intimate. I’ve known he had feelings for you for quite a while, but I honestly didn’t think he’d ever do anything about it. I didn’t think you’d give him the chance.” She glanced up at Dean. “How do you... how do you feel about it?”
Dean pressed his lips together. “I dunno. I mean, I was shocked at first, but I...”
“You like him.”
“Well yeah, of course I do. I mean, once you get past the staring and the weird clothes and the fact that he takes everything literally, and his complete lack of anything that’s-”
“No,” Jo interrupted. “You like him.”
Dean looked up at her, panicked. “What the hell am I thinking, Jo? I mean, I like girls. I’ve always liked girls, and I haven’t changed. But there’s... there’s something about him, and I don’t know what’s happening to me, but now I’ve thought about it I can’t stop thinking about it, and it’s... I feel like I want to kiss him again, but I don’t know what that means, and... and everything’s gonna change, and I’m scared. Not just because of what people will say, but... but about, you know, who I am. I mean, I don’t know what’s scarier, that I might like it or that I might try something with him and realize that actually, you know, I don’t like it and it was just a weird fluke the other night, and I’ll end up hurting him. I’m scared that I’m gonna lose him. I feel like I’m just gonna screw it up anyway, and he’s gonna leave anyway, but I can’t stop thinking about it, and I’m not gay, I’m not, it’s just that it’s him, and he saved my life, and he believes in me, and he... he makes me feel like I could-”
“Dean, breathe.” Jo laid a hand on his arm. “Just breathe for a second, okay? Okay, now I’m gonna tell you something I thought I’d never tell you, but... but I think it might help. Back in ninth grade I had the biggest crush on you.”
Dean stared at her. “Are you serious?”
“Mm-hm. The biggest. You know, you were my best friend, and you’d gotten so damn beautiful, and you were pretty much my favorite person in the world. But I knew I could never tell you. You were always so... so good around girls. You’d give them the smile and the flirty eyes, and you’d say exactly the right thing. You had your act down to perfection. I knew it was an act, of course, but... I dunno. I wasn’t going to be one of those girls. That wasn’t enough for me. I knew that even if you’d been able to get over the fact that we were best friends and I actually knew you, it would never be... I’d never be the one. I mean, I probably know you better than just about anyone, but even with me you’ve never been... there’s always been a wall. But not with him.”
“Shit, Jo, I’m sorry. I had no idea.”
She grinned. “Oh, I got over it. The point I’m trying to make is that you’ve always been... cut off from everyone. You protect yourself, even from the people who love you, and you don’t let them in. There’s always an act. But with Castiel you’re just... calm. I see the two of you together, and you always seem so peaceful, like you can just be. And honestly I think that if you can find someone who makes you feel that way, you can’t walk away from it. You just can’t. He’s good for you, Dean. You liked it when he kissed you, didn’t you?”
“I guess. I mean, I was shocked and it only lasted a couple of seconds, but...”
“You felt the spark.” Jo had a big, stupid grin on her face.
Dean scowled. “Jo, I swear to God, don’t do that. I’m telling you this because you’re the least girly of all my friends - including Ash - and I thought I could rely on you not to get all... mushy, okay?”
Jo made an effort to straighten her face. “Sorry.” She punched him on the arm. “That better?”
“Much.”
Okay then. So... you felt something. And have you, you know, thought about taking it further?”
Dean couldn’t look at her. “Kind of,” he mumbled. “I mean, I’ve never thought of another guy like that before, but... I don’t know. With him it’s different. I want to try, and I want to... But what if I don’t like it? I mean, what if going from thinking to, you know, doing is too much and I have to bail? I couldn’t do that to him, and...”
“Dean, I think you’re making too big a deal of this. It’s just genitalia, and penises really aren’t that scary.”
“Jo!”
“No, seriously! If you like the person and you’re attracted to them, I think the rest of it doesn’t even matter. You know? And if you liked kissing Castiel, odds are you’ll like the other stuff as well. And you know what, screw what everyone else thinks! The people who love you will only care that you’re happy, and who give a shit about anyone else?”
“But he’s leaving, Jo! And... and he could do so much better, and I’m so messed up, and one day he’s gonna realize that and he’ll-”
“Dean, stop! You can’t not do something because you’re scared of it ending; that’s just stupid. I get that it’s scary, I do, but... but if I know you, you’ll beat yourself up a lot more if you just give up on it now than if you try and it doesn’t work out. At least then you’ll have the satisfaction of telling me I was wrong. These things are always gonna be difficult, but you know my mom always said that nothing worth having comes for free.”
Dean swallowed. “So... you think I should actually do this?”
Jo shrugged. “I just want you to be happy, and you haven’t been. And I think if you let your fears get in the way you might miss out on something that could actually make you happy. You have feelings for the guy. I mean, you’ve accepted that much, right?”
Slowly, Dean nodded. “I guess I do. I mean, I just want to be with him. Like, all the time. And if something happens, I want to tell him about it. He makes me feel like I can actually do stuff, you know? Like I could... like I’m worth something. I want to make him proud of me, and I’m scared that I won’t. And it’s so frustrating cause I want to tell him that his family are dicks, and I want to get him away from them cause I feel like if I could take him somewhere warm and give him something good to eat and just, you know, tell him how amazing he is all the time, he could be happy. I hate how they treat him. It freaks me the hell out, and part of me wishes that none of this had ever happened, but it has, and he makes me feel good about myself, you know? He makes me feel... peaceful and agitated at the same time. And I... I don’t know why, but I want him. I wanna know what it’d be like to... Yeah. Yeah, I like him. And I... I guess he likes me too.”
Jo snorted. “You’re kidding. Dean, the guy’s head-over-heels in love with you! God knows you’ve done little to deserve it.”
“I think love might be a little-”
“He is! Dean, he looks at you like you hung the moon. Pam noticed from the beginning. I wasn’t sure at first cause you know what she’s like, but... then there was the staring and the following you around and the tolerance for your never-ending bullshit. And that time at lunch when you started bragging about Lisa... he looked like he’d been punched in the stomach. Even Ash noticed, and you know he can’t pay attention to anything that doesn’t have a binary code.”
Dean’s heart was thudding dully. “I’m such a fucking idiot.”
“Yes you are.” Jo gave him a couple of pats on the knee. “But it’s not entirely your fault. I mean, this must be a pretty scary thing to come to terms with. It’s not surprising you’ve been in denial.”
“Jo, I don’t even know what... I mean, the guy runs a mile every time he sees me now.”
“He’s embarrassed. Dean, if you really want this to work out, you’re gonna have to make him listen to you.”
“But he’s been avoiding me!”
Jo raised an eyebrow. “So go confront him some place where he can’t.”
...
Dean looked up at the old Queen Anne style house; it was even less welcoming at night. Still, he had driven out here now, and at this point he was more than willing to brave Castiel’s weirdo family if it meant he got to talk to his friend. Heaving a sigh, he stepped onto the porch and rung the doorbell.
He was starting to think that maybe no one was in, when a light flicked on in the hallway and Cas’s brother Michael opened the door.
Michael stared at Dean, then smiled slowly. “Dean. This is a pleasant surprise.”
“Uh, yeah. Is Cas home? We had a… study date.”
Michael frowned. “He didn’t mention anything about that.”
Dean wished the guy would stop staring at him. “Well, maybe he forgot. I mean, it wasn’t, you know, a specific plan. It was just… we’d talked about it. That we… we might get together tonight and… see, I’m still having these problem with calculus, and Cas is really good at it, and… and…” Shut up, Dean, just shut up. Stop talking already. “So is Cas home?”
Michael was staring at him again, and Dean forced himself not to look away. “Castiel is in the chapel.”
“Oh. Well… can I see him?”
“Yes, Dean. I’m sure that won’t be a problem. Oh, but Dean? Don’t keep him too long. We have family prayer this evening, and I’d hate for him to miss it. Castiel has become… a little negligent of late.”
“Um, right. No problem.”
Dean turned away and walked round the back of the house, only relaxing when he heard the front door close. God, Michael was creepy. There was something about the way he looked at Dean, making him feel like he was being examined. Cas stared, it was true, but he never made it feel like eye rape. Dean would almost have preferred it if Uncle Zach had come to the door instead.
There was a light on in the little wooden chapel. Dean scowled. Who the hell builds a goddamn church in their back garden? This was about the last place that Dean wanted to have this conversation. Still, he told himself, Jo was right. Cas couldn’t run away from him here, and there was no going back now.
Dean opened the door as quietly as he could, and went inside. The room was lit only by a few candles at the far end, but Dean spotted his friend immediately. Castiel was sitting in one of the pews at the front of the chapel, his head bowed. The sight made Dean’s heart clench painfully. No one should be as alone as this. He approached slowly, tentatively, knowing how fragile the moment was. Castiel did not hear him, and Dean was able to sit down beside him without him even being aware of it. Cas’s eyes were closed and his hands were folded in his lap. He should have looked peaceful, but he didn’t; he looked sad and tired, and Dean could practically feel his distress.
“Cas…” he breathed.
Castiel gasped and flinched away from Dean like he’d been burned. “What the- what are you doing here?” He staggered to his feet, his eyes wild.
Dean held his hands up. “Woah, I’m sorry! Calm down, okay? It’s just… you didn’t give me a whole lot of choice, Cas. I’ve been trying to talk to you all week. I have to say, you’re a stubborn son-of-a-bitch when you want to be. The problem with that is that I am too. Now we are gonna talk about this right now.”
Castiel wouldn’t meet his eye. “I don’t see what there is to talk about.”
“Well, I was thinking we might discuss what happened the other night. When you-”
“There’s really nothing to say,” Castiel interrupted. “It was a mistake, and you have my word it won’t happen again. I would… be very grateful if you just forgot about it.”
“Well, I can’t do that, Cas.”
Castiel looked up at him, frustrated. “What do you want me to say, Dean? It was an error of judgement and I apologize. Believe me, I never meant to… I didn’t want…” He gave Dean a pleading look.
“I’ve missed you.”
Castiel sighed and looked away. He didn’t say anything for a couple of minutes, and Dean was starting to get scared that he’d read things wrong and Cas really did just want him gone, but then: “I missed you too. I was just… I was embarrassed. I would be very, very grateful if we could just forget the whole thing. I want things to go back to the way they were.”
Dean got to his feet slowly. He would have to play this very carefully; he couldn’t afford to scare Cas off now. “Well, sure. If that’s what you really want.”
Castiel nodded, looking determinedly at Dean’s knees.
“Okay then, it’s forgotten.”
Castiel breathed in deeply. “Thank you.”
“So… we’re okay?”
Castiel nodded, but he still wouldn’t look up.
Dean moved closer, noticing how Cas visibly tensed. “You know, you don’t have anything to worry about with me.”
Castiel smiled bitterly. “Right.”
“It’s true. I mean, whatever it is, whatever’s bothering you… I’m telling you that you don’t need to worry about it.”
“It’s very kind of you to say that, but-”
“Fuck being kind! Cas, do I strike you as someone who’d say something just to be nice? I’m saying that I… that you’re… that you don’t ever have to worry about how I… how I feel… I… Damn it!”
Dean had never learned to talk about his feelings, and even if he had, nothing could have prepared him for a situation like this. Words were not his forte. Words could be so easily misunderstood. Instead, he stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Castiel, holding him as tight as he could and praying that it would say everything he didn’t have the words for.
He felt Cas tense up but Dean refused to let go, knowing full well that if the other boy really wanted to get away, he could. He didn’t have the first clue what he was doing, but he needed to make Cas understand. Gradually, his friend began to relax into the embrace. Dean rubbed a hand soothingly over his back, and slowly, tentatively, Cas wrapped his arms around Dean’s waist. Dean was feeling distinctly light-headed now. Perhaps getting this close to the other boy hadn’t been such a smart thing to do after all, because while his better judgement was telling him to approach with caution and take things slow, his instinct… Dean’s instinct was telling him that if he’d ever had doubts about his attraction to Castiel before, those doubts were long gone now. It was terrifying and wonderful at the same time. The way Cas felt in his arms, the touch of his skin, the way his hair smelled - it was all completely intoxicating to him. Dean buried his face in Cas’s neck and breathed in deeply. It made his head spin, made him ache, and Castiel wasn’t pulling away. Dean couldn’t help himself. He pressed a soft kiss to the base of Cas’s neck. He did it again, a little higher this time, and still the other boy didn’t try to stop him. Another kiss, just below the ear, and another on the jawline, and another-
Castiel pushed Dean away violently. “What the hell do you think you are doing?”
Dean looked at him, dazed. “Cas…”
“Get out.” There was cold fury in Castiel’s eyes, and Dean felt a momentary thrill of fear in spite of himself. “Get out, and don’t ever talk to me again.”
“Cas, wait…” Dread was starting to pool in Dean’s stomach. God, what the hell had he been thinking? He had known full well how fragile the situation was, and he’d allowed his libido to get the best of him yet again. “Cas, listen to me!”
“And why the hell should I? I trusted you, Dean! I thought that you were my friend, but you’re just-”
“I am, and I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do that, okay? It’s just that ever since the other night, I’ve been… I’ve had these feelings that… I like you, okay?”
Castiel looked shocked and angry, and unspeakably hurt. “So you thought you’d use me to experiment.”
“What? No!”
“Come on, Dean.” He laughed bitterly. “You thought you’d see what it would be like. And you thought I wouldn’t mind.”
“No! God! Do you- is that what you really think of me? Am I that much of a dick to you?”
“Dean, you like girls.”
“Well, yeah I do. But apparently I like you too. Cas, ever since the other night, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you. And all this stuff’s just… fallen into place. Like how I get jealous when you spend time with other people. And when we’re studying together… how I always sit really close to you, even when I don’t have to. And how I’d do stuff for you that I’d never… I mean, I read friggin’ Shakespeare for you, man! An actual play, not just the Cliff’s Notes! I wouldn’t even do that for my mom, but I did it for you, because I wanted to make you happy. Because I didn’t want to let you down. And when you kissed me, it was like… like someone switched a light on in my head. God, please, Cas. Please don’t think that I’d lie to you about this. I mean, I know I’m an idiot and I do stupid, thoughtless things, but you have to know that you’re different. You have to. What we’ve been through… I wouldn’t use you like that. Look at me, you know it. And I know that I’ve gone about this the wrong way, and if it’s what you really honestly want, I won’t mention it again. Hell, I’ll even stay away from you. But… but I can’t help but feel that we could be something… more. That it could be amazing. And I’m not gonna pretend that I’m not shit scared, because I am. I’m taking a huge leap here. All I know is that I’m not gonna let being scared stop me from at least ... I tried to forget it and... and go back to how I’d been before, but it didn’t work, cause you’ve done something to me, and I don’t wanna pretend anymore. I can’t just… walk away from this, Cas.”
Dean felt slightly sick. He prayed that it was enough, that Castiel would see what it had cost him, see that he was telling the truth. He prayed, because the thought of losing Cas made him feel panicky and desperate and lost.
Castiel just stood and stared like he was in a trance.
“Cas…” Dean realized that his legs were shaking.
“Dean, if you’re lying to me…”
“No! For fuck’s sake! Come on, do you really think I’d lie about something like this? Look at me! You know me, Cas. Look at me; you know I’m telling the truth.”
Castiel took a step forward, and Dean could see that he was shaking.
“Cas, please.” Dean reached out and took hold of the other boy’s arm. Castiel didn’t pull away. “Look at me. I don’t know what the hell it is you’ve done to me, but… but I’m here, and… and I’d never lie to you. There’d be no point. You always manage to see straight through me anyway.”
“Dean…” Castiel’s voice was ragged. “Have you… even thought about what this would mean?”
“Of course! I can’t think about anything else. All I… all I know is that when I’m with you, all the shit stops. When I’m with you, I feel like maybe I can be something after all, and… and I’ve been scared of going after what I want for as long as I can remember, but you know what? The thought of losing you scares me more.”
Dean was shaking himself now. He realized how strange a sight they would make to an outside observer. Two broken, terrified young men laying their hearts open to one another before the altar of a family church.
“Dean,” Cas whispered. “If you knew what I’d… how hard I’ve tried not to feel this way. How much I’ve prayed. How long I’ve…”
Dean ghosted fingers across his cheek, and Castiel’s eyes fluttered closed. “It’s okay.”
Castiel looked up at him helplessly. “I don’t know what’s happened to me.”
“Me either, but… this is right, isn’t it? You and me? I mean, I’m not just kidding myself here am I?”
Castiel shook his head.
They were so close now; Dean felt like his heart would burst out of his chest, it was beating so damn hard. He’d never wanted anything so much in his life.
Castiel was staring at his mouth. “I don’t know what happened that night, but… I think I’ve loved you from the moment I pulled you out of the water.”
Dean swallowed. He leaned in slowly, still afraid that he was going to lose everything, and kissed Castiel. He had never felt anything like this. He was suddenly acutely aware of all his nerve endings and how they were tingling. He grabbed hold of the lapels of Castiel’s jacket, knowing that he might die if this was denied him again now, unable to think of anything except how good Cas tasted and how his head was spinning, and how this should never ever end.
“Dean,” Castiel whispered, turning his head away slightly. “We can’t. Not here; it’s not right.”
“What?” Dean pulled back a little, breathless and confused.
“We’re in church.”
Dean laughed shakily. “Cas, does this feel like a sin to you?”
“No, but-”
“Me either. And I’m going to take the fact that we haven’t been struck down by a lightning bolt from above as a sign that God is categorically okay with this.”
Castiel looked at him searchingly for a moment, then pulled him roughly back into the kiss. Dean's felt like he'd fall over if he wasn't holding onto Cas so tight. Castiel kissed him desperately, like it would hurt not to, like he would die if he didn’t. Dean was left incapable of anything other than holding him close, trying to show him that it was okay, he needed it too.
It didn’t matter that this was unexpected or inconvenient. It didn’t matter that no one else would understand. All that mattered was that Dean had been lost before, they both had, and now they’d found each other. All that mattered was that being with Castiel made Dean feel truly alive for the first time in years, and he didn’t know what he’d done to deserve it, but there was no way in hell he was going to give it up now.
Chapter 8
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Dean didn’t know if he could face going into school the next day. He’d only gotten around an hour of sleep in the end and he felt like crap, but he knew that if he said he was sick his parents would think he was hungover. Which was only half true. The thought of going in and seeing Castiel made his stomach squirm unpleasantly, and the knowledge that the other guy was probably feeling just as uncomfortable didn’t help in the slightest.
Sam looked at him sideways as they drove in that morning. “Dean, are you okay? You’re looking a little... caffeinated.”
“I’m fine!” Dean snapped. “Everything’s just fine. I’m fine. Keep your eyes on the road.”
“You’re the one driving, you keep your eyes on the road!”
“Would you relax?”
“Dean...”
“Stop yelling!”
“I’m not yelling,” Sam said calmly. “I’m just... concerned.”
Dean swallowed. “It’s fine. Seriously. I’m sorry, Sammy, I’m just kinda stressed about, you know, school.”
“You’re stressed about school?”
Dean forced himself to calm down. There was no point making Sam worry about him because of this. He just needed to be Dean Winchester. He’d done it before, and he could do it now. “Yeah.” He gave his brother an easy grin. “Not a big deal, I just got a math test coming up, that’s all. Henriksen’s been pushing me pretty hard since I made the mistake of letting on that I’m not as dumb as I look. It’s not a big deal, really. Uh... sorry about the spazz.”
Sam looked at him like Dean wasn’t fooling anyone. “Okay. Well, I have to do something with the debate team after school. Will you wait around or should I get the bus?”
“Nah, I can wait. You enjoy the debate team, Sammy?”
“Yeah, it’s cool.”
“And it has lots of members?”
“Quite a few, I guess.”
“Mm-hm. So... you do a lot of mass debating, then?”
“Yeah, we...” Sam gave him a look of deep disappointment. “Doesn’t it worry you that I’m four years younger than you, yet I’m the mature one?”
Dean laughed. That was better. Better to be the idiot big brother than a cause for concern.
...
Castiel wasn’t in home room. Dean saw him in English, but he slipped out before Dean had a chance to confront him. Not that he’d tried. In fact, Castiel did an excellent job of avoiding him all day, and Dean couldn’t help but feel relieved. Until he’d worked out what he felt, he didn’t want to actually deal with anything. As the week wore on, however, it started to bother him. Cas just disappeared whenever he saw Dean. He was there and then he was gone, and he wouldn’t even look at Dean let alone talk to him. Dean had even sent him a couple of texts suggesting that they should talk, but Cas hadn’t replied. It made him feel panicky. He was scared to confront what had happened, but more than that he missed Castiel. He didn’t care if it was awkward, he just wanted for them to talk and figure something out and be okay with each other. It was impossible when Castiel could just slip away from him and disappear. It did lend some plausibility to Dean’s theory that Cas was secretly a ninja though.
More worryingly, Dean couldn’t stop himself from thinking about the kiss. He remembered how Cas had made him tingle, had made his pulse race, his head spin. It hadn’t just been from shock. Something about it had felt good and right, and that freaked the hell out of him. He’d find himself wondering how it would feel to kiss Castiel again, how it would feel if neither of them pulled away. He thought about what Cas would taste like, what it would feel like to put his arms around him. He’d never even entertained thoughts about another guy like this. Never once considered it. But then Cas had come along and had taken Dean by surprise, somehow managing to work his way under Dean’s skin without even trying. Without it being scary. Dean had dreams about him, about the way he’d look at Dean like there was nothing else on Earth, about his strength and his gentleness, about the soft whimpering noise he’d made when he’d crushed their lips together that night. Dean would awake from these dreams breathless, afraid and almost painfully hard.
By Friday he thought he was going out of his mind. He felt angry because what right did Castiel have to do this to him? To throw everything into chaos, then disappear and leave Dean to deal with it by himself? It wasn’t fair. He didn’t care anymore that Cas was probably scared too. He just wanted... he didn’t know what he wanted. He wanted to stop feeling this way. He wanted to go back to how it had been before, when Dean knew who he was and what he wanted and there were no weird doubts and urges. Well, fine. Fine. If Castiel didn’t want anything to do with him, that was just fine. Dean would just forget the whole thing had ever happened. He was good at that, forgetting. He’d move on from one more fucking disappointment. He’d go back to what he knew he could do.
He sent Lisa a text asking her if she’d like to go out that night.
Naturally, she replied with an affirmative.
It was going to be all right, he told himself. He’d go out, have sex with Lisa in the back of his car, and everything would be back to normal.
Everything would be fine.
...
He couldn’t go through with it in the end; he’d made an excuse about having to go to the garage early the next morning and had dropped Lisa off at home without even trying to get into her pants. She hadn’t been happy.
Dean was totally screwed. He’d thought that if he just reminded himself of who he really was everything would be okay again, but it hadn’t worked. He’d tried to be interested in what Lisa was saying about moving to LA, her new pet dog, cheerleading competitions... He’d never found it so hard to focus on a woman in his life. He just didn’t care. He didn’t care enough to even pretend. He missed being with Cas, who he never had to pretend with, who he could just be with.
He’d tried to kiss Lisa then, thinking that it might help, but it had just felt so... wrong. She was wearing this really sticky lipgloss that tasted of bubblegum, and it had been kind of off-putting. Castiel’s lips had been dry, but they were soft and sensual, and Dean remembered the brush of stubble against his lips, the way Cas had gripped the lapels of his jacket so tightly. Lisa just didn’t feel right. The noises she made sounded false, like she knew what he’d like and was playing the part. He’d never noticed that before. There was a knowing look in her eyes, and okay he liked his women to be sexually confident, but... he missed the way Castiel would look at him. That open look of his, like Dean was something special. He felt like being with Lisa was some kind of betrayal, even though that was stupid because Castiel hadn’t even talked to him since the kiss, so Dean was free to do as he pleased. Only this really didn’t please him anymore. He’d gone home frustrated, scared and confused.
Dean broke into his parents’ drinks cabinet when he got in and helped himself to a shot or three of bourbon. He sat back on the sofa, breathing deeply, feeling the warm spread of the alcohol down his legs, through his brain. When he’d reached the point where impulse outweighed fear of consequences, he picked up his phone.
JO I NEED 2 TLK ABT CAS. U FREE 2MORO?
...
There was no getting out of it. Dean woke up the next day to a reply from Jo telling him to come over after work, and he knew his best friend well enough to realize she wouldn’t let him worm his way out of it. So after he’d gotten home and showered he went next door to Jo’s house, his stomach jittery.
Ellen opened the door, and grinned when she saw him. “Dean! Good to see you.” She pulled him into a slightly painful hug. “Come on in. I hope you haven’t come over on behalf of your daddy. You tell him I won that money fair and square, and he’s a sore loser!”
Dean laughed. “Nah, he should know better by now than to take you on at poker. I just came by to see Jo. She in?”
“Mm-hm, she’s in the den - just go on down.”
“Thanks, Ellen.”
Dean went down to the basement which the Harvelle’s had converted into a rec room. Jo was sprawled on a bean bag chair playing Grand Theft Auto, but she paused the game when she saw Dean.
She laughed at him. “God, Dean, you look like you’re going to your death!”
Dean rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m just... you know, there’s really nothing to talk about. I don’t know why I-”
“Dean, stop fidgeting and sit down. You wanted to talk, so let’s talk. You said it was something about Castiel?”
Dean breathed in deeply. He knew there was no getting out of it now, but he didn’t know what to say. Moreover, he didn’t know whether he should tell anyone about what had happened. Still, he knew he could trust Jo to keep quiet and not to judge, and he felt like if he didn’t get this off his chest he might go crazy.
“He kissed me,” he whispered. “On... on Monday night, Cas kissed me.”
Jo’s eyes grew very wide. “Oh wow,” she breathed. “Are you serious? I didn’t think he’d ever get up the courage.”
Dean looked at her, stunned. “You... you... what?”
She grimaced. “Dean, it’s been kind of... I mean, the two of you are... different, you know? You were never just friends. Everything’s so intense and, I don’t know, intimate. I’ve known he had feelings for you for quite a while, but I honestly didn’t think he’d ever do anything about it. I didn’t think you’d give him the chance.” She glanced up at Dean. “How do you... how do you feel about it?”
Dean pressed his lips together. “I dunno. I mean, I was shocked at first, but I...”
“You like him.”
“Well yeah, of course I do. I mean, once you get past the staring and the weird clothes and the fact that he takes everything literally, and his complete lack of anything that’s-”
“No,” Jo interrupted. “You like him.”
Dean looked up at her, panicked. “What the hell am I thinking, Jo? I mean, I like girls. I’ve always liked girls, and I haven’t changed. But there’s... there’s something about him, and I don’t know what’s happening to me, but now I’ve thought about it I can’t stop thinking about it, and it’s... I feel like I want to kiss him again, but I don’t know what that means, and... and everything’s gonna change, and I’m scared. Not just because of what people will say, but... but about, you know, who I am. I mean, I don’t know what’s scarier, that I might like it or that I might try something with him and realize that actually, you know, I don’t like it and it was just a weird fluke the other night, and I’ll end up hurting him. I’m scared that I’m gonna lose him. I feel like I’m just gonna screw it up anyway, and he’s gonna leave anyway, but I can’t stop thinking about it, and I’m not gay, I’m not, it’s just that it’s him, and he saved my life, and he believes in me, and he... he makes me feel like I could-”
“Dean, breathe.” Jo laid a hand on his arm. “Just breathe for a second, okay? Okay, now I’m gonna tell you something I thought I’d never tell you, but... but I think it might help. Back in ninth grade I had the biggest crush on you.”
Dean stared at her. “Are you serious?”
“Mm-hm. The biggest. You know, you were my best friend, and you’d gotten so damn beautiful, and you were pretty much my favorite person in the world. But I knew I could never tell you. You were always so... so good around girls. You’d give them the smile and the flirty eyes, and you’d say exactly the right thing. You had your act down to perfection. I knew it was an act, of course, but... I dunno. I wasn’t going to be one of those girls. That wasn’t enough for me. I knew that even if you’d been able to get over the fact that we were best friends and I actually knew you, it would never be... I’d never be the one. I mean, I probably know you better than just about anyone, but even with me you’ve never been... there’s always been a wall. But not with him.”
“Shit, Jo, I’m sorry. I had no idea.”
She grinned. “Oh, I got over it. The point I’m trying to make is that you’ve always been... cut off from everyone. You protect yourself, even from the people who love you, and you don’t let them in. There’s always an act. But with Castiel you’re just... calm. I see the two of you together, and you always seem so peaceful, like you can just be. And honestly I think that if you can find someone who makes you feel that way, you can’t walk away from it. You just can’t. He’s good for you, Dean. You liked it when he kissed you, didn’t you?”
“I guess. I mean, I was shocked and it only lasted a couple of seconds, but...”
“You felt the spark.” Jo had a big, stupid grin on her face.
Dean scowled. “Jo, I swear to God, don’t do that. I’m telling you this because you’re the least girly of all my friends - including Ash - and I thought I could rely on you not to get all... mushy, okay?”
Jo made an effort to straighten her face. “Sorry.” She punched him on the arm. “That better?”
“Much.”
Okay then. So... you felt something. And have you, you know, thought about taking it further?”
Dean couldn’t look at her. “Kind of,” he mumbled. “I mean, I’ve never thought of another guy like that before, but... I don’t know. With him it’s different. I want to try, and I want to... But what if I don’t like it? I mean, what if going from thinking to, you know, doing is too much and I have to bail? I couldn’t do that to him, and...”
“Dean, I think you’re making too big a deal of this. It’s just genitalia, and penises really aren’t that scary.”
“Jo!”
“No, seriously! If you like the person and you’re attracted to them, I think the rest of it doesn’t even matter. You know? And if you liked kissing Castiel, odds are you’ll like the other stuff as well. And you know what, screw what everyone else thinks! The people who love you will only care that you’re happy, and who give a shit about anyone else?”
“But he’s leaving, Jo! And... and he could do so much better, and I’m so messed up, and one day he’s gonna realize that and he’ll-”
“Dean, stop! You can’t not do something because you’re scared of it ending; that’s just stupid. I get that it’s scary, I do, but... but if I know you, you’ll beat yourself up a lot more if you just give up on it now than if you try and it doesn’t work out. At least then you’ll have the satisfaction of telling me I was wrong. These things are always gonna be difficult, but you know my mom always said that nothing worth having comes for free.”
Dean swallowed. “So... you think I should actually do this?”
Jo shrugged. “I just want you to be happy, and you haven’t been. And I think if you let your fears get in the way you might miss out on something that could actually make you happy. You have feelings for the guy. I mean, you’ve accepted that much, right?”
Slowly, Dean nodded. “I guess I do. I mean, I just want to be with him. Like, all the time. And if something happens, I want to tell him about it. He makes me feel like I can actually do stuff, you know? Like I could... like I’m worth something. I want to make him proud of me, and I’m scared that I won’t. And it’s so frustrating cause I want to tell him that his family are dicks, and I want to get him away from them cause I feel like if I could take him somewhere warm and give him something good to eat and just, you know, tell him how amazing he is all the time, he could be happy. I hate how they treat him. It freaks me the hell out, and part of me wishes that none of this had ever happened, but it has, and he makes me feel good about myself, you know? He makes me feel... peaceful and agitated at the same time. And I... I don’t know why, but I want him. I wanna know what it’d be like to... Yeah. Yeah, I like him. And I... I guess he likes me too.”
Jo snorted. “You’re kidding. Dean, the guy’s head-over-heels in love with you! God knows you’ve done little to deserve it.”
“I think love might be a little-”
“He is! Dean, he looks at you like you hung the moon. Pam noticed from the beginning. I wasn’t sure at first cause you know what she’s like, but... then there was the staring and the following you around and the tolerance for your never-ending bullshit. And that time at lunch when you started bragging about Lisa... he looked like he’d been punched in the stomach. Even Ash noticed, and you know he can’t pay attention to anything that doesn’t have a binary code.”
Dean’s heart was thudding dully. “I’m such a fucking idiot.”
“Yes you are.” Jo gave him a couple of pats on the knee. “But it’s not entirely your fault. I mean, this must be a pretty scary thing to come to terms with. It’s not surprising you’ve been in denial.”
“Jo, I don’t even know what... I mean, the guy runs a mile every time he sees me now.”
“He’s embarrassed. Dean, if you really want this to work out, you’re gonna have to make him listen to you.”
“But he’s been avoiding me!”
Jo raised an eyebrow. “So go confront him some place where he can’t.”
...
Dean looked up at the old Queen Anne style house; it was even less welcoming at night. Still, he had driven out here now, and at this point he was more than willing to brave Castiel’s weirdo family if it meant he got to talk to his friend. Heaving a sigh, he stepped onto the porch and rung the doorbell.
He was starting to think that maybe no one was in, when a light flicked on in the hallway and Cas’s brother Michael opened the door.
Michael stared at Dean, then smiled slowly. “Dean. This is a pleasant surprise.”
“Uh, yeah. Is Cas home? We had a… study date.”
Michael frowned. “He didn’t mention anything about that.”
Dean wished the guy would stop staring at him. “Well, maybe he forgot. I mean, it wasn’t, you know, a specific plan. It was just… we’d talked about it. That we… we might get together tonight and… see, I’m still having these problem with calculus, and Cas is really good at it, and… and…” Shut up, Dean, just shut up. Stop talking already. “So is Cas home?”
Michael was staring at him again, and Dean forced himself not to look away. “Castiel is in the chapel.”
“Oh. Well… can I see him?”
“Yes, Dean. I’m sure that won’t be a problem. Oh, but Dean? Don’t keep him too long. We have family prayer this evening, and I’d hate for him to miss it. Castiel has become… a little negligent of late.”
“Um, right. No problem.”
Dean turned away and walked round the back of the house, only relaxing when he heard the front door close. God, Michael was creepy. There was something about the way he looked at Dean, making him feel like he was being examined. Cas stared, it was true, but he never made it feel like eye rape. Dean would almost have preferred it if Uncle Zach had come to the door instead.
There was a light on in the little wooden chapel. Dean scowled. Who the hell builds a goddamn church in their back garden? This was about the last place that Dean wanted to have this conversation. Still, he told himself, Jo was right. Cas couldn’t run away from him here, and there was no going back now.
Dean opened the door as quietly as he could, and went inside. The room was lit only by a few candles at the far end, but Dean spotted his friend immediately. Castiel was sitting in one of the pews at the front of the chapel, his head bowed. The sight made Dean’s heart clench painfully. No one should be as alone as this. He approached slowly, tentatively, knowing how fragile the moment was. Castiel did not hear him, and Dean was able to sit down beside him without him even being aware of it. Cas’s eyes were closed and his hands were folded in his lap. He should have looked peaceful, but he didn’t; he looked sad and tired, and Dean could practically feel his distress.
“Cas…” he breathed.
Castiel gasped and flinched away from Dean like he’d been burned. “What the- what are you doing here?” He staggered to his feet, his eyes wild.
Dean held his hands up. “Woah, I’m sorry! Calm down, okay? It’s just… you didn’t give me a whole lot of choice, Cas. I’ve been trying to talk to you all week. I have to say, you’re a stubborn son-of-a-bitch when you want to be. The problem with that is that I am too. Now we are gonna talk about this right now.”
Castiel wouldn’t meet his eye. “I don’t see what there is to talk about.”
“Well, I was thinking we might discuss what happened the other night. When you-”
“There’s really nothing to say,” Castiel interrupted. “It was a mistake, and you have my word it won’t happen again. I would… be very grateful if you just forgot about it.”
“Well, I can’t do that, Cas.”
Castiel looked up at him, frustrated. “What do you want me to say, Dean? It was an error of judgement and I apologize. Believe me, I never meant to… I didn’t want…” He gave Dean a pleading look.
“I’ve missed you.”
Castiel sighed and looked away. He didn’t say anything for a couple of minutes, and Dean was starting to get scared that he’d read things wrong and Cas really did just want him gone, but then: “I missed you too. I was just… I was embarrassed. I would be very, very grateful if we could just forget the whole thing. I want things to go back to the way they were.”
Dean got to his feet slowly. He would have to play this very carefully; he couldn’t afford to scare Cas off now. “Well, sure. If that’s what you really want.”
Castiel nodded, looking determinedly at Dean’s knees.
“Okay then, it’s forgotten.”
Castiel breathed in deeply. “Thank you.”
“So… we’re okay?”
Castiel nodded, but he still wouldn’t look up.
Dean moved closer, noticing how Cas visibly tensed. “You know, you don’t have anything to worry about with me.”
Castiel smiled bitterly. “Right.”
“It’s true. I mean, whatever it is, whatever’s bothering you… I’m telling you that you don’t need to worry about it.”
“It’s very kind of you to say that, but-”
“Fuck being kind! Cas, do I strike you as someone who’d say something just to be nice? I’m saying that I… that you’re… that you don’t ever have to worry about how I… how I feel… I… Damn it!”
Dean had never learned to talk about his feelings, and even if he had, nothing could have prepared him for a situation like this. Words were not his forte. Words could be so easily misunderstood. Instead, he stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Castiel, holding him as tight as he could and praying that it would say everything he didn’t have the words for.
He felt Cas tense up but Dean refused to let go, knowing full well that if the other boy really wanted to get away, he could. He didn’t have the first clue what he was doing, but he needed to make Cas understand. Gradually, his friend began to relax into the embrace. Dean rubbed a hand soothingly over his back, and slowly, tentatively, Cas wrapped his arms around Dean’s waist. Dean was feeling distinctly light-headed now. Perhaps getting this close to the other boy hadn’t been such a smart thing to do after all, because while his better judgement was telling him to approach with caution and take things slow, his instinct… Dean’s instinct was telling him that if he’d ever had doubts about his attraction to Castiel before, those doubts were long gone now. It was terrifying and wonderful at the same time. The way Cas felt in his arms, the touch of his skin, the way his hair smelled - it was all completely intoxicating to him. Dean buried his face in Cas’s neck and breathed in deeply. It made his head spin, made him ache, and Castiel wasn’t pulling away. Dean couldn’t help himself. He pressed a soft kiss to the base of Cas’s neck. He did it again, a little higher this time, and still the other boy didn’t try to stop him. Another kiss, just below the ear, and another on the jawline, and another-
Castiel pushed Dean away violently. “What the hell do you think you are doing?”
Dean looked at him, dazed. “Cas…”
“Get out.” There was cold fury in Castiel’s eyes, and Dean felt a momentary thrill of fear in spite of himself. “Get out, and don’t ever talk to me again.”
“Cas, wait…” Dread was starting to pool in Dean’s stomach. God, what the hell had he been thinking? He had known full well how fragile the situation was, and he’d allowed his libido to get the best of him yet again. “Cas, listen to me!”
“And why the hell should I? I trusted you, Dean! I thought that you were my friend, but you’re just-”
“I am, and I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do that, okay? It’s just that ever since the other night, I’ve been… I’ve had these feelings that… I like you, okay?”
Castiel looked shocked and angry, and unspeakably hurt. “So you thought you’d use me to experiment.”
“What? No!”
“Come on, Dean.” He laughed bitterly. “You thought you’d see what it would be like. And you thought I wouldn’t mind.”
“No! God! Do you- is that what you really think of me? Am I that much of a dick to you?”
“Dean, you like girls.”
“Well, yeah I do. But apparently I like you too. Cas, ever since the other night, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you. And all this stuff’s just… fallen into place. Like how I get jealous when you spend time with other people. And when we’re studying together… how I always sit really close to you, even when I don’t have to. And how I’d do stuff for you that I’d never… I mean, I read friggin’ Shakespeare for you, man! An actual play, not just the Cliff’s Notes! I wouldn’t even do that for my mom, but I did it for you, because I wanted to make you happy. Because I didn’t want to let you down. And when you kissed me, it was like… like someone switched a light on in my head. God, please, Cas. Please don’t think that I’d lie to you about this. I mean, I know I’m an idiot and I do stupid, thoughtless things, but you have to know that you’re different. You have to. What we’ve been through… I wouldn’t use you like that. Look at me, you know it. And I know that I’ve gone about this the wrong way, and if it’s what you really honestly want, I won’t mention it again. Hell, I’ll even stay away from you. But… but I can’t help but feel that we could be something… more. That it could be amazing. And I’m not gonna pretend that I’m not shit scared, because I am. I’m taking a huge leap here. All I know is that I’m not gonna let being scared stop me from at least ... I tried to forget it and... and go back to how I’d been before, but it didn’t work, cause you’ve done something to me, and I don’t wanna pretend anymore. I can’t just… walk away from this, Cas.”
Dean felt slightly sick. He prayed that it was enough, that Castiel would see what it had cost him, see that he was telling the truth. He prayed, because the thought of losing Cas made him feel panicky and desperate and lost.
Castiel just stood and stared like he was in a trance.
“Cas…” Dean realized that his legs were shaking.
“Dean, if you’re lying to me…”
“No! For fuck’s sake! Come on, do you really think I’d lie about something like this? Look at me! You know me, Cas. Look at me; you know I’m telling the truth.”
Castiel took a step forward, and Dean could see that he was shaking.
“Cas, please.” Dean reached out and took hold of the other boy’s arm. Castiel didn’t pull away. “Look at me. I don’t know what the hell it is you’ve done to me, but… but I’m here, and… and I’d never lie to you. There’d be no point. You always manage to see straight through me anyway.”
“Dean…” Castiel’s voice was ragged. “Have you… even thought about what this would mean?”
“Of course! I can’t think about anything else. All I… all I know is that when I’m with you, all the shit stops. When I’m with you, I feel like maybe I can be something after all, and… and I’ve been scared of going after what I want for as long as I can remember, but you know what? The thought of losing you scares me more.”
Dean was shaking himself now. He realized how strange a sight they would make to an outside observer. Two broken, terrified young men laying their hearts open to one another before the altar of a family church.
“Dean,” Cas whispered. “If you knew what I’d… how hard I’ve tried not to feel this way. How much I’ve prayed. How long I’ve…”
Dean ghosted fingers across his cheek, and Castiel’s eyes fluttered closed. “It’s okay.”
Castiel looked up at him helplessly. “I don’t know what’s happened to me.”
“Me either, but… this is right, isn’t it? You and me? I mean, I’m not just kidding myself here am I?”
Castiel shook his head.
They were so close now; Dean felt like his heart would burst out of his chest, it was beating so damn hard. He’d never wanted anything so much in his life.
Castiel was staring at his mouth. “I don’t know what happened that night, but… I think I’ve loved you from the moment I pulled you out of the water.”
Dean swallowed. He leaned in slowly, still afraid that he was going to lose everything, and kissed Castiel. He had never felt anything like this. He was suddenly acutely aware of all his nerve endings and how they were tingling. He grabbed hold of the lapels of Castiel’s jacket, knowing that he might die if this was denied him again now, unable to think of anything except how good Cas tasted and how his head was spinning, and how this should never ever end.
“Dean,” Castiel whispered, turning his head away slightly. “We can’t. Not here; it’s not right.”
“What?” Dean pulled back a little, breathless and confused.
“We’re in church.”
Dean laughed shakily. “Cas, does this feel like a sin to you?”
“No, but-”
“Me either. And I’m going to take the fact that we haven’t been struck down by a lightning bolt from above as a sign that God is categorically okay with this.”
Castiel looked at him searchingly for a moment, then pulled him roughly back into the kiss. Dean's felt like he'd fall over if he wasn't holding onto Cas so tight. Castiel kissed him desperately, like it would hurt not to, like he would die if he didn’t. Dean was left incapable of anything other than holding him close, trying to show him that it was okay, he needed it too.
It didn’t matter that this was unexpected or inconvenient. It didn’t matter that no one else would understand. All that mattered was that Dean had been lost before, they both had, and now they’d found each other. All that mattered was that being with Castiel made Dean feel truly alive for the first time in years, and he didn’t know what he’d done to deserve it, but there was no way in hell he was going to give it up now.
Chapter 8
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6