Nature and Nurture
Fandom: Star Trek Reboot
Pairing/Characters: Kirk-centric, mentions of Kirk Prime/Spock Prime and Spock/Uhura
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Kirk explains the events that led to him realising he's bisexual. Long story short, it's mostly Ambassador Spock's fault. (But not like that.)
Words: ~6400
Notes: Written for the queer_fest prompt: Any Fandom with Alternate Universes, any characters, Character X learns that an alternate version of them is/was in a same-sex relationship and begins to question their sexuality. For some reason it insisted on being written in first person, but I think it turned out all right. Thanks to museaway for the beta.
Additional Note: While I don't view this as AU as such, it takes place prior to the events of Into Darkness and so does not take into account anything that happened in that film.
Captain's Personal Log, Stardate 2259.29.
Today at lunch I heard two ensigns talking. That's not exactly exceptional, I know, but what got my attention was their topic of conversation; one of them was telling the other all about how she figured out she was bisexual. It was the usual story; high school, boys, girls, parents, blah, blah, blah, but it made me think back to my own epiphany, if you can call it that, which was really not usual.
I've never told anyone the full details of how it all happened, and frankly I don't plan to anytime soon. But it occurred to me that maybe I should record the whole thing for posterity, just in case I do decide to tell someone someday. Because, really, it's kind of a funny story.
I'd been captain for about four months, doing missions, meeting ambassadors, exploring strange new worlds, and all that. I had a great ship, an awesome crew, and pretty much the best job in the universe, even if it did come with limited sleep and an even more limited sex life. Life, in short, was good.
Then we were ordered to deliver supplies to the Vulcan colony.
Initially I was thrilled, because it would give me a chance to catch up with Ambassador Spock, and possibly learn some stuff about the future in the process.
If I'd known then what I know now, though, I probably wouldn't have been so eager.
Anyway, when we got there I beamed down with the cargo, and there he was, waiting for me. One of the things I like about the ambassador - it's less confusing if I think of him as 'the ambassador' rather than 'Spock' - is how happy he always looks to see me. Well, happy for a Vulcan anyway. Certainly more happy than my Spock ever does. I gave him my best Vulcan salute and his eyes got all scrunched up like he was smiling, which almost made up for all the time I'd spent trying to get my fingers to go in the right direction.
He took me back to his home and made me some tea, and we talked about his work at the colony, and my work on the Enterprise, and then he asked if he could see the ship. I said yes pretty much instantly - there's nothing I like better than showing off my ship, and I thought maybe I could sneak in a few questions about how it's different from his reality.
We started with engineering and let Scotty talk our ears off for about twenty minutes. Judging from the conversation I'm not the only one who's trying to get information about that other timeline, but the ambassador was pretty scrupulous about not giving anything away. It's probably a Vulcan thing. If he were human we'd have managed to weasel something out of him, I just know it. Human beings aren't much harder to hack than computers; you just have to know what buttons to press. But, being neither a human being nor a computer, the ambassador's lips remained sealed, and both Scotty and I remained frustrated.
After engineering we went to sickbay, but only for a very quick visit as Bones was busy and I didn't want to disturb him. All right, and I also may have been a little bit overdue for a physical. Is it my fault the man is a sadist with hyposprays?
Our next stop was the bridge. Civilians aren't technically allowed up there, but what's the fun of being captain if you can't bend the rules now and then?
I'd like to say that everyone was hard at work when we stepped out of the turbolift, but that would be stretching the truth a little. My crew may be the best in Starfleet, if I do say so myself, but they get bored just like everyone else. I cleared my throat dramatically, giving them my best captainly glare, and most of them at least pretended to get back to work.
"Captain," Spock greeted me, from his position next to Uhura's station.
"Mister Spock," I replied with a nod. "I thought you'd be down on the planet."
"I am leaving now," he said. He turned to Uhura and they did that weird finger-touch thing they do, then he walked past us with a nod. "Ambassador."
"Commander," the ambassador replied from behind me. He sounded a little strange. Most people wouldn't have noticed, but I've spent a lot of time observing my Spock, and there was definitely something off. When I turned round to look at him he was staring at the turbolift where Spock had disappeared. As I watched, his gaze shifted to where Uhura was back at work at the communications console and he murmured, "Fascinating" under his breath. It was all very curious.
I waited, but after a few seconds my curiosity got the better of me and I had to speak. "Ambassador?"
He seemed to snap out of it then. His attention focused back on me and his expression changed to the neutral one he usually wore. "I apologise," he said, shaking his head a little. "My attention was elsewhere. Please, continue."
I wanted to ask him what the hell just happened, but I managed to restrain myself and just continued with the tour as though nothing was amiss. It wasn't until later, when we were having drinks in my cabin, that I went looking for answers.
"So what happened back there?" I asked, as I passed him a glass. "You looked at Spock like you'd never seen him before, which given the circumstances is kind of weird."
He was silent for a moment, like he was trying to decide what to say, or maybe how much to tell me. "I was… surprised by his actions," he said eventually, which told me almost nothing.
"What actions?" I asked. I replayed the scene on the bridge in my mind, but as far as I could remember Spock had been his usual boring self.
But instead of answering, the ambassador decided to ask me a question. "Am I correct in inferring that my counterpart and Lieutenant Uhura are involved?"
I leaned back in my chair. "Well, yeah. But I don't see how that's relevant-" It hit me then, and I lurched upright. "Wait, that's what surprised you?"
"Indeed," he replied. "While I am aware that my counterpart and I are very different people, I was not expecting to be so obviously confronted with these differences."
Well, that just raised all kinds of questions. "So, wait. You and your Uhura never…?" I didn't know how to end that question without causing offence, so I just kind of trailed off.
He shook his head. "We were colleagues and friends, but that was all. Both of our interests lay elsewhere."
"Huh," I said, thinking. "So you were involved with someone else in that timeline?"
"That is correct."
He sounded, not sad, exactly, but something. "She's dead now, isn't she?" I asked quietly.
"He died a long time ago."
"I'm sorry," I said, trying to decide whether a hand on the arm would be too invasive. Then the rest of his sentence sunk in. "Wait. He?"
He still looked sad, but I picked up a hint of amusement at my reaction. "Indeed."
"Huh," I said again. I'd kind of assumed Spock was straight, but thinking about it the only person I'd ever seen him with was Uhura and, as Spock himself - both of him - would tell me, one data point wasn't really enough to draw any kind of real conclusion. "Who was he?"
The ambassador steepled his fingers. "I do not believe I should tell you that."
I grinned, sensing a chance to get some information off him at last. "So it's someone I know then?"
He didn't respond, but I was pretty sure I was right. "Let's see…" I said. "Not Bones, he's like the straightest guy I know. What about Sulu? I know he likes guys." A glance at the ambassador's face told me I was way off. "Okay, not Sulu. Hmm." I frowned, thinking. "I assume it wasn't Chekov since he's about twelve, so who does that leave? Oh, I know, was it Pike? My Spock always talks about him in glowing terms; it's a little weird."
"Jim."
I think he was just trying to make me stop talking, but something about the way he said my name made alarm bells go off in my head. "Oh, no," I said. "No. You can't be serious."
I have literally never seen a Vulcan look so awkward. "Jim…" he said, but he didn't seem to know how to finish.
"Me?!" I blurted in disbelief. "How could it be me? I'm straight!" Because while I might have only had one data point on Spock, I had several dozen on me, and they were all female.
"I didn't say it was you," the ambassador pointed out patiently.
"No, but it was, wasn't it?"
He didn't respond, which was as good as a yes. My brain was going a mile a minute trying to make sense of this new information, when something struck me. "You lied to me," I said, pointing at him accusingly. Not that it'd be the first time - and don't think I'm not still annoyed about that whole universe-ending 'implication', because I am - but I still felt kind of betrayed. "You told me you and he were friends."
"We were," he replied, but at least had the decency to add, "Among other things."
"Right," I snorted.
I don't think either of us really knew what to say after that, so we just sort of sat there in awkward silence. I don't know how the ambassador was taking it all - I really don't think he'd planned to give away as much as he had - but I wasn't really thinking about him right then. My mind was busy focusing on the idea that the other me had been in a relationship with a guy - with Spock of all people. It kept going round and round in my head until I had to move, and I stood up and started to pace.
The ambassador did speak then. "I did not mean to make you uncomfortable," he said, sounding pretty uncomfortable himself.
"I'm not uncomfortable," I said, still pacing. "It's just… kind of unexpected." I reached the edge of my quarters and whirled round to look at him. "You know that's not going to happen here, right? I mean Spock's with Uhura, and he barely seems to tolerate me half the time and I'm straight and-"
Thankfully he cut me off before I could go any further. "Breathe, Jim," he said gently.
Right. Breathe. Breathing was good. I took a deep breath as he added, "I do not expect you to have the same relationship with my counterpart as I had with yours. You are both very different people."
Ain't that the truth. The way the ambassador talked about my counterpart you'd think the sun shone out of his ass. In a way it was kind of neat, hearing about how awesome I was, even if, you know, it wasn't really me, but on the other hand it was a lot to live up to. Like the universe decided my dad's legacy wasn't enough for one lifetime and I should have to compete with a better version of myself as well.
Although, it struck me then, the other me couldn't have been as much of a stickler for the rules as I'd thought if he was screwing his first officer. In a weird way that actually made me feel better. I'd never slept with anyone on my crew, though I'd certainly wanted to.
Well, all right, a couple. But it was before they were part of my crew, so I don't think it counts.
Hell, maybe he wasn't actually that awesome at all, and it was all rose coloured glasses. The only information I had about him came from the ambassador, after all, and Mom always warned me that being in love with someone can make you blind to their faults.
I was so busy thinking about all this that I actually jumped when the ambassador cleared his throat. "Perhaps I should go," he said.
"You don't have to do that," I told him, but he shook his head.
"I have said too much already," he said, which wasn't really true given that I'd guessed most of it. He made his way to the door, then stopped. "I kept the details of my own time to myself for a reason," he told me solemnly. "Please do not allow this information to affect your relationship with my counterpart. Your friendship does not have to follow the same path as the one I shared with my Jim to be a source of strength to both of you."
I could only nod. Really, the last thing I was going to do was tell Spock about any of this. We were only just barely approaching anything that could be considered friendship, if I told him we'd been lovers in another lifetime he'd jump ship to the Vulcan colony before you could say 'Live long and prosper'.
I walked the ambassador back to the transporter room and watched him beam down, and then I went back to my quarters and collapsed on the bed.
I stared up at the ceiling, trying to get my mind to stop replaying the whole awkward, confusing conversation. I groaned and threw an arm over my eyes as it dawned on me that I'd gotten exactly what I wanted. I'd wanted the ambassador to let something slip about his own timeline, but I'd never even considered it might be something like this. The warning about being careful what you wished for had never felt so appropriate.
It wasn't like I had anything against the whole guy-on-guy thing - given my sex life I wasn't about to throw stones at anyone else's - but I'd never thought about it on a personal level. My interest in girls started early - I remember Susie Baxter whacking me over the head in third grade for trying to look up her dress - I'm not proud of it, for the record, but I was like eight at the time - and I'd never had any corresponding interest in guys.
Except that apparently my counterpart did, which made me wonder.
I'd heard the theories, of course. That most people at least have the capacity for bisexuality, it's just most of us don't act on it. And the other theories stating that sexuality is at least partly wired in before you're even born, thanks to genetics and hormones and various other things. It didn't mean that I had to be attracted to guys just because my counterpart was, but it did make me wonder if maybe the potential was there and I'd just never found the right guy to activate it.
My mind stayed firmly away from the whole 'right guy being Spock' idea. I wasn't opening up that can of worms if my life depended on it.
I brought my arm down and stared at the ceiling, going through all the guys I knew and trying to see if I found any of them attractive. And as I was doing that, I found myself remembering something.
When I was fourteen, Mom got this new boyfriend. She had a lot of boyfriends when I was a kid. Looking back, I think she was lonely, but back then all I cared about was the losers taking Mom's attention away from me. The worst were the ones that tried to act like my dad. I already had a dad, thanks, even if I'd never actually met the man.
None of them lasted very long, which might have had something to do with me and Sam actively chasing them off. We were pretty good at it, too. At one point we actually had a bet going over how fast we could get them to crack.
We were little shits as kids, I don't deny it. I give Mom major props for not just like abandoning us on the side of a road somewhere.
Anyway, this one was different. His name was Kenny, and he was… well, cool. He was a mechanic, and he had a hoverbike that he'd built himself out of spare parts. He used to take me out on rides on it, which was awesome even though Mom freaked out and insisted I wear a helmet and like fifteen layers of clothing.
I'm sure Sam would've hated him - he hated all Mom's boyfriends on principle - but he was away at college by that point so I was free from having to hate him too in brotherly solidarity. Which was good, since I'm not sure I could've hated Kenny if I'd tried. He was, hands down, the coolest adult I had ever met.
Part of it was that he hadn't treated me like a kid. He treated me like an equal, like he trusted me to make my own choices. Not many adults act that way. Admittedly, when I think of what an idiot I was back then I can kind of see why, but fourteen-year-old me still really appreciated it. He used to let me help out in his shop, teaching me how to realign a spark plug or clean out an exhaust or whatever else needed fixing.
He'd tell me stuff about his life while we worked, too. He'd moved back here because his dad was sick and his mom needed help with the farm, but before that he'd been a mechanic on a cargo ship, and he had a host of stories about it. Like the time his safety line got tangled while he was repairing a conduit, and he had to cut his way out and just pray he didn't fall, or the time one of his friends tried to make a still and ended up nearly blowing a hole in the ship.
He had this way of talking that kind of drew you in, made you sit up and listen. Or at least it did for me. I learned more from him in a few months than I had in years of school, most of it stuff that would never be taught at school in the first place. I learned how to knock a guy unconscious with one punch, how to count cards, and how to swear in Klingon.
I idolised Kenny. He was, like, my hero. Mom used to moan about my grades, but if I'd paid half as much attention to my teachers as I did to him I'd have been top of the class.
It didn't last, though. His dad got better and after a few months he left for a new job on a cruise ship. Mom was pretty upset, but I was absolutely devastated. Sam came home for the summer a few weeks later and caught me moping, and made some crack about my girlfriend breaking up with me. I'd told him to fuck off, but looking back I started to wonder if maybe there hadn't been a grain of truth to his words. If maybe my man-crush on Kenny hadn't been more of a, well, regular crush.
I was still thinking about it days later when we left New Vulcan and headed off for our next mission. Up until that point I'd kept my conversation with the ambassador and any corresponding questions about my sexuality firmly to myself, but I was fast approaching the point where I needed to talk to someone about it.
Normally when I have a problem I go to Bones. I can't say he actually helps so much as he lets me talk at him until I feel better, but it's an arrangement that's served me well so far. But I sensed I'd need a different approach for this one. I wasn't bullshitting when I told the ambassador Bones was the straightest guy I knew, and that was, like, the opposite of what I needed right then.
Fortunately, I had a fencing lesson with Sulu, which I figured was the perfect opportunity to get some answers.
I waited until we stopped for a break - I'm all for adventure, but even I struggle to have a conversation about sex while being jabbed with pointy swords - and watched him down half a bottle of water as I tried to figure out what to say. This was a situation that called for delicate handling, after all.
Then I realised that this was Sulu, and he knew me, and decided to throw all that 'delicate handling' stuff out the window.
"How did you know you liked guys?"
To his credit, Sulu just sort of shrugged. "I don't know. I just did." He narrowed his eyes at me. "And I know you're not just asking to make conversation, so what's up?"
I rubbed the back of my neck awkwardly. "You know Old Spock?"
"Yes…" Sulu replied, then added, "Does he know you call him that?"
I waved the question off. "When he visited me on New Vulcan we got to talking about his universe, and he let slip that the other me was in a relationship with a guy." I deliberately left out which guy. It would only complicate matters, and seriously, not opening that can of worms ever.
"Ah," Sulu said. "And now you're worried about your heterosexuality being threatened by this information."
I glared at him; it was obvious he wasn't taking the situation seriously. "I'm not worried. I'm just… confused. Wouldn't you find it weird if the other version of you was completely straight, no interest in guys at all?"
Sulu frowned. "Yeah, I guess, but it wouldn't change anything. I know who I am."
He made it sound so easy. "But…" I paused, taking a second to gather my thoughts. "Shouldn't it mean something? I mean, we started off the same person, share the same genes. I would've been him, if things had worked out differently." If Nero hadn't screwed everything up, I added silently.
"But you're not," Sulu pointed out. "It's not like other stuff hasn't changed between that world and ours, right?"
"And a lot of stuff stayed the same," I countered. Before he could respond, I continued, "Besides, it's not just that. There was this guy when I was a teenager, and I thought it was just a kind of hero-worship, but now I'm not so sure." Something else came back to me, and I added, "And back on campus there was this Deltan guy who I had some really confusing dreams about."
"Oh, that's just Jai," Sulu replied with a shrug. "Everyone has confusing dreams about him." I huffed, and he added, "Look. Say you do have some latent attraction to guys. Does it really matter? Would it make any real difference to who you are, or what you stand for?"
He did have a point. "No," I decided. "No, it wouldn't."
"Well, then," Sulu said, as though the conversation was finished. "Are we gonna talk some more, or can I get back to kicking your ass?"
I'd like to say I kicked his ass, but that would be a lie. He's been fencing since he was like six. But I did feel a lot better. He hadn't said anything I didn't already know, but just the act of discussing it had helped more than I could have expected.
I was feeling pretty good as I headed back to my quarters after the lesson. Maybe I was bisexual. What did it matter? Hell, maybe this was a good thing - it'd mean a major increase in my potential sex partners. Not to mention the new acts that became available when you added an extra dick into the mix. I was an adventurous guy, sure, but there were limits to how far toys and ingenuity could take you.
I was still contemplating that thought when I got back to my quarters, and it gave me the push I needed to put into action an idea that I'd previously only thought about.
I sat down at my desk, turned on the computer, and went looking for porn. But not the usual het or f/f stuff I'd been looking at since I was fourteen, no this was a search for hardcore man-on-man action. What better way to see if I was attracted to guys than to watch actual guys having sex?
I admit the first couple of vids were kind of a disappointment. The sex was… interesting, I suppose, but it did nothing for me. To be honest, I was on the verge of giving up on the whole thing when a vid caught my eye and I stopped. From what I could tell it was a fairly average vid of one guy giving a blow-job to another guy, but the one on the receiving end was, well, it might sound stupid, but he was breath-taking.
Dark hair, pale, flawless skin, and full pink lips. He was gazing down at the other guy, running his fingers through his blond hair, and it just looked so… well, intimate. He even reminded me a little of someone, but I couldn't figure out who.
I clicked on the vid, and almost immediately realised this would be different. I'd never given a blow job, but the dark-haired guy's reaction made it seem like a pretty appealing idea, and I soon found myself getting hard.
I frowned, then shrugged. I'd wanted answers, and apparently I was getting them. I set the door lock and unfastened my pants.
A few minutes later saw me shaking my head slowly as I cleaned myself up. Yeah, the results were in, and apparently I was definitely not straight.
I'd expected to feel more surprised, to be honest. After the past few days it felt kind of anticlimactic, like confirming something I already knew.
I didn't have much time to think about it, though. The door buzzed, and I jumped into action, turning off the computer and hurrying into the bathroom to wash my hands.
The door buzzed again. "Just a minute!" I yelled in annoyance. I took a quick look in the mirror, making sure there was nothing obviously amiss, before unlocking the door. "Come in," I called.
It turned out to be Spock. "Captain," he said, striding into my quarters as if he owned the place. "I trust I am not interrupting anything?"
He looked at me and I had the sudden unnerving impression that he knew what I'd been doing before he walked in. Don't be ridiculous, I told myself firmly. He's a Vulcan, he's not psychic. "No, it's fine," I replied. "I was just in the bathroom."
He nodded, but didn't reply, and after a few seconds of silence I got edgy. "So what brings you here?" I asked. "Is something wrong with the ship?" It had to be something like that; I could count the number of conversations we'd had about non-ship's business on one hand.
Spock didn't answer for a second, his attention caught by a snow globe on one of my shelves. I almost told him to pick it up and shake it, just to see what would happen, but he turned away before I could get the words out. "All stations are functioning normally," he said, his attention now focused back on me. "You may rest assured that there is nothing wrong with the ship, or the crew. My presence here is strictly unofficial."
I leaned against my desk, staring at him. "So why are you here?" I asked.
For a moment he didn't answer. "Your demeanour has changed since our visit to the Vulcan colony. You seem… distracted. Preoccupied. While it has not affected your performance as captain, I cannot guarantee that this will remain the case." He frowned, very slightly. "I have considered the facts, and it has occurred to me that the source of your distraction may have to do with my counterpart."
I coughed. "What… ah, what gave you that idea?"
He tilted his head, studying me like I was a problem he hadn't quite figured out the solution to. "Prior to our arrival at the colony, you expressed a great deal of anticipation at the prospect of spending time with the ambassador. Yet since our departure you have not mentioned him once, and when Doctor McCoy brought him up in conversation yesterday your response was unusually vague and non-committal."
I cut in then. "You eavesdropped on my conversation with Bones?" I didn't know whether to be annoyed or amused at the thought.
Spock adjusted his posture slightly. "Vulcan hearing is extremely sharp. The volume of your conversation was quite sufficient for me to overhear it without 'eavesdropping'." He sounded a little defensive, but that might have been my imagination. "And you are distracting me from my point, which is that I suspect my counterpart of in some way offending you, and I wish to know the details so that I can ensure it does not happen again."
I blinked. That had sounded a lot like Spock threatening to Vulcan-yell at the ambassador on my behalf. "You'd do that?" I asked.
"As your first officer it is my responsibility to see to your wellbeing," Spock replied, which wasn't really an answer, but it still made me feel all warm inside.
I shook my head, unable to keep from smiling. "Well, thanks, but you've got it all wrong. He didn't offend me. He just… he told me something about the other timeline that I wasn't expecting, and it took me a while to deal with it. But I have now, and it's fine."
"Ah," Spock said. "In that case I apologise for jumping to conclusions." He looked ever-so-slightly awkward, which just made me smile more.
"No, don't worry," I said. "You were trying to look out for me, and I appreciate that."
"My actions were not purely selfless," Spock admitted. "If my counterpart had insulted you, I wished to avoid his actions in some way reflecting badly on myself."
I took a second to translate that. "You mean you were afraid if I was pissed off at him, I might start taking it out on you?"
"Colloquially put, but accurate," Spock replied.
"Well then you're an idiot," I told him. "Even if he had pissed me off, I wouldn't take it out on you, any more than I take it out on him when you piss me off. You're different people. It'd be like me yelling at Sulu for something Bones said."
"That is… surprisingly logical," Spock said after a moment.
I crossed my arms. "Glad you approve."
We just sort of stared at each other for a second, then he said, "Since I appear to have achieved my aims, I shall depart." He took a step towards the door, then stopped. "Captain?"
"Yes, Mister Spock?" I asked, wondering what on Earth he could possibly want now.
He tilted his head at me. "I admit to some curiosity…. Would you perhaps be willing to tell me what it was my counterpart said to you?"
Yeah, when hell freezes over, I thought, but of course I didn't say that. "Sorry, Spock," I said, "it- it's kind of private." I nearly said it didn't concern him, but of course the truth was it concerned him more than pretty much anyone else.
"I see," he said. "Good day, Captain."
"Yeah, bye, Spock," I replied.
The moment he was gone I sank into my desk chair and rubbed my hands over my face. Unless I was very much mistaken, Spock had just told me he was worried about me thinking badly about him. Not in those words, of course, but that definitely seemed to be the gist. I wondered vaguely if I was hallucinating.
Thankfully - or not - he was back to normal on the bridge the next morning. All "Yes, Captain", and "No, Captain", and "I would not recommend that course of action, Captain". I don't know how he makes "Captain" sound like "You idiot", but he manages it. It's always just subtle enough that I can't call him on it, too. I began to think that the other me really must have been the saint the ambassador described him as if he was willing to put up with this twenty-four seven. Either that or the sex was really good.
That thought sent my mind to disturbing places, so I quickly abandoned it. Bones called me down to sickbay not long after, and I was so happy to have something else to think about that I went without a second thought. It wasn't until he shoved me onto a bed and began running scans that I remembered why I'd been avoiding sickbay lately.
In my defence, I took the realisation with good grace and allowed him to examine me. I didn't even try to escape! Well, okay, once. But that was just to test Bones's reflexes. He's surprisingly fast when he needs to be. He grumbled the whole way through about how-are-you-still-alive and I-told-you-coffee-is-not-a-food-group, but finally admitted there was nothing wrong with me. Didn't stop him jabbing me with about six different hyposprays, though. I'm convinced some of them are just water.
Anyway, by the time that was all over, it was time for lunch. Bones accompanied me and made his usual complaints about my choice of meal - a burger and fries, for the record - upon which I pointed out that he himself had just pronounced me 100 percent healthy. He couldn't really argue with that, although he grumbled something about trying to make sure I stayed that way.
As we ate, I realised I hadn't told him about my recent revelation. "Oh," I said, "so it turns out I'm bisexual."
Bones choked on his lunch. I whacked him on the back helpfully, but he didn't seem to appreciate it, just sort of glared at me until I stopped.
"Don't just say things like that!" he said when he could speak again.
"Sorry," I said, though I wasn't sorry at all. From the look he gave me, he could tell.
"Suppose it makes sense," he admitted after a moment. "You've never limited yourself in any other area of your life, why this?" His eyes narrowed briefly. "That's all you wanted to tell me, right? This isn't the start of some declaration?"
"God no," I said, shuddering at the thought. "You're like my brother. It'd be weird."
He relaxed. "Well, good." He eyed me speculatively. "So, anyone in particular you're interested in?"
I started to shake my head, before it struck me that this was a perfect opportunity to screw with him. I stopped abruptly and leaned forward as if imparting a secret. "You know Lieutenant K'krakk in Engineering?"
Bones's eyes went wide. "The Betelgeusian?"
The look on his face was priceless. I burst out laughing and he scowled. "That's not funny."
"Maybe not to you," I replied, still laughing. "You should have seen your face."
I calmed down before Bones could murder me and shook my head. "But to answer seriously, no. There's no one I'm interested in right now."
Something about the words felt off, but I couldn't figure out why.
Bones shrugged. "So what's brought this on, then? You finally run out of women and decide to start on the men?"
I was fairly sure that was an insult, but after more than three years of friendship with Bones I'd become pretty much immune. "Nah," I said. "Although I might have to use that one the next time someone asks." He glared at me and I shrugged. Might as well tell him the truth - or at least the edited version I'd told Sulu. "Old Spock let slip that the other me was bisexual, and the more I thought about it, the more sense it made."
I took a bite of my burger and chewed thoughtfully. "Plus I tried out some gay porn yesterday and it was actually pretty awesome." I still couldn't figure out who the dark-haired guy reminded me of, but he was damn good at his job.
Bones groaned, rubbing at his temples. "I did not need to hear that."
I shrugged. "Hey, you asked."
"Okay," Bones said, "I'm done talking about this. Explore your sexuality all you want, but leave me out of it." He narrowed his eyes. "And I'm telling you now, if I have to treat you for any weird alien diseases I will make you pay."
"You've been making that threat for years," I pointed out.
"Yes, and it still stands. Or do I need to remind you of the incident with the Efrosian girl and the-"
"Okay, okay!" I cut him off hurriedly. "Jeez, you're never going to let me live that down, are you? You weren't even the person who treated me!"
"Which is why it's still a threat and not a reminder," he replied with disturbing nonchalance. I took another bite of my burger and decided to change the subject.
"So how's Joanna lately?" I asked. This is my go-to whenever I need a distraction for Bones - he can never resist a chance to talk about his daughter. Give him a chance to badmouth his ex-wife in the process, and you've pretty much made his day.
Sure enough, he perked right up. "Oh, she's great. Got all As in her spelling tests, did I tell you?"
He had told me, but I let him tell me again. It was a small price to pay to keep him from giving me the STD talk again.
By the end of the conversation I was feeling quite accomplished. I'd told Bones, neither of us had freaked out, and I'd even managed to mess with him a little in the process. I considered that a successful coming out, all things considered, and I returned to the bridge in good spirits.
Spock slid out of the centre chair as I approached, and I nodded at him. "Anything to report?"
"Nothing of consequence, Captain." He headed back to his station, and I watched him for a moment before taking my seat with a happy sigh. Life was good.
So, that's the story of how I discovered my bisexuality. It hasn't actually changed much in my life, to be honest, except that now my rare shore leave hook-ups sometimes involve extra dick. And yes, for the record, I did eventually figure out who the dark-haired guy from the porn vids reminded me of, but that's a can of worms I'd rather leave shut.
[Message logged and encrypted 2259.29.2144]
Pairing/Characters: Kirk-centric, mentions of Kirk Prime/Spock Prime and Spock/Uhura
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Kirk explains the events that led to him realising he's bisexual. Long story short, it's mostly Ambassador Spock's fault. (But not like that.)
Words: ~6400
Notes: Written for the queer_fest prompt: Any Fandom with Alternate Universes, any characters, Character X learns that an alternate version of them is/was in a same-sex relationship and begins to question their sexuality. For some reason it insisted on being written in first person, but I think it turned out all right. Thanks to museaway for the beta.
Additional Note: While I don't view this as AU as such, it takes place prior to the events of Into Darkness and so does not take into account anything that happened in that film.
Captain's Personal Log, Stardate 2259.29.
Today at lunch I heard two ensigns talking. That's not exactly exceptional, I know, but what got my attention was their topic of conversation; one of them was telling the other all about how she figured out she was bisexual. It was the usual story; high school, boys, girls, parents, blah, blah, blah, but it made me think back to my own epiphany, if you can call it that, which was really not usual.
I've never told anyone the full details of how it all happened, and frankly I don't plan to anytime soon. But it occurred to me that maybe I should record the whole thing for posterity, just in case I do decide to tell someone someday. Because, really, it's kind of a funny story.
I'd been captain for about four months, doing missions, meeting ambassadors, exploring strange new worlds, and all that. I had a great ship, an awesome crew, and pretty much the best job in the universe, even if it did come with limited sleep and an even more limited sex life. Life, in short, was good.
Then we were ordered to deliver supplies to the Vulcan colony.
Initially I was thrilled, because it would give me a chance to catch up with Ambassador Spock, and possibly learn some stuff about the future in the process.
If I'd known then what I know now, though, I probably wouldn't have been so eager.
Anyway, when we got there I beamed down with the cargo, and there he was, waiting for me. One of the things I like about the ambassador - it's less confusing if I think of him as 'the ambassador' rather than 'Spock' - is how happy he always looks to see me. Well, happy for a Vulcan anyway. Certainly more happy than my Spock ever does. I gave him my best Vulcan salute and his eyes got all scrunched up like he was smiling, which almost made up for all the time I'd spent trying to get my fingers to go in the right direction.
He took me back to his home and made me some tea, and we talked about his work at the colony, and my work on the Enterprise, and then he asked if he could see the ship. I said yes pretty much instantly - there's nothing I like better than showing off my ship, and I thought maybe I could sneak in a few questions about how it's different from his reality.
We started with engineering and let Scotty talk our ears off for about twenty minutes. Judging from the conversation I'm not the only one who's trying to get information about that other timeline, but the ambassador was pretty scrupulous about not giving anything away. It's probably a Vulcan thing. If he were human we'd have managed to weasel something out of him, I just know it. Human beings aren't much harder to hack than computers; you just have to know what buttons to press. But, being neither a human being nor a computer, the ambassador's lips remained sealed, and both Scotty and I remained frustrated.
After engineering we went to sickbay, but only for a very quick visit as Bones was busy and I didn't want to disturb him. All right, and I also may have been a little bit overdue for a physical. Is it my fault the man is a sadist with hyposprays?
Our next stop was the bridge. Civilians aren't technically allowed up there, but what's the fun of being captain if you can't bend the rules now and then?
I'd like to say that everyone was hard at work when we stepped out of the turbolift, but that would be stretching the truth a little. My crew may be the best in Starfleet, if I do say so myself, but they get bored just like everyone else. I cleared my throat dramatically, giving them my best captainly glare, and most of them at least pretended to get back to work.
"Captain," Spock greeted me, from his position next to Uhura's station.
"Mister Spock," I replied with a nod. "I thought you'd be down on the planet."
"I am leaving now," he said. He turned to Uhura and they did that weird finger-touch thing they do, then he walked past us with a nod. "Ambassador."
"Commander," the ambassador replied from behind me. He sounded a little strange. Most people wouldn't have noticed, but I've spent a lot of time observing my Spock, and there was definitely something off. When I turned round to look at him he was staring at the turbolift where Spock had disappeared. As I watched, his gaze shifted to where Uhura was back at work at the communications console and he murmured, "Fascinating" under his breath. It was all very curious.
I waited, but after a few seconds my curiosity got the better of me and I had to speak. "Ambassador?"
He seemed to snap out of it then. His attention focused back on me and his expression changed to the neutral one he usually wore. "I apologise," he said, shaking his head a little. "My attention was elsewhere. Please, continue."
I wanted to ask him what the hell just happened, but I managed to restrain myself and just continued with the tour as though nothing was amiss. It wasn't until later, when we were having drinks in my cabin, that I went looking for answers.
"So what happened back there?" I asked, as I passed him a glass. "You looked at Spock like you'd never seen him before, which given the circumstances is kind of weird."
He was silent for a moment, like he was trying to decide what to say, or maybe how much to tell me. "I was… surprised by his actions," he said eventually, which told me almost nothing.
"What actions?" I asked. I replayed the scene on the bridge in my mind, but as far as I could remember Spock had been his usual boring self.
But instead of answering, the ambassador decided to ask me a question. "Am I correct in inferring that my counterpart and Lieutenant Uhura are involved?"
I leaned back in my chair. "Well, yeah. But I don't see how that's relevant-" It hit me then, and I lurched upright. "Wait, that's what surprised you?"
"Indeed," he replied. "While I am aware that my counterpart and I are very different people, I was not expecting to be so obviously confronted with these differences."
Well, that just raised all kinds of questions. "So, wait. You and your Uhura never…?" I didn't know how to end that question without causing offence, so I just kind of trailed off.
He shook his head. "We were colleagues and friends, but that was all. Both of our interests lay elsewhere."
"Huh," I said, thinking. "So you were involved with someone else in that timeline?"
"That is correct."
He sounded, not sad, exactly, but something. "She's dead now, isn't she?" I asked quietly.
"He died a long time ago."
"I'm sorry," I said, trying to decide whether a hand on the arm would be too invasive. Then the rest of his sentence sunk in. "Wait. He?"
He still looked sad, but I picked up a hint of amusement at my reaction. "Indeed."
"Huh," I said again. I'd kind of assumed Spock was straight, but thinking about it the only person I'd ever seen him with was Uhura and, as Spock himself - both of him - would tell me, one data point wasn't really enough to draw any kind of real conclusion. "Who was he?"
The ambassador steepled his fingers. "I do not believe I should tell you that."
I grinned, sensing a chance to get some information off him at last. "So it's someone I know then?"
He didn't respond, but I was pretty sure I was right. "Let's see…" I said. "Not Bones, he's like the straightest guy I know. What about Sulu? I know he likes guys." A glance at the ambassador's face told me I was way off. "Okay, not Sulu. Hmm." I frowned, thinking. "I assume it wasn't Chekov since he's about twelve, so who does that leave? Oh, I know, was it Pike? My Spock always talks about him in glowing terms; it's a little weird."
"Jim."
I think he was just trying to make me stop talking, but something about the way he said my name made alarm bells go off in my head. "Oh, no," I said. "No. You can't be serious."
I have literally never seen a Vulcan look so awkward. "Jim…" he said, but he didn't seem to know how to finish.
"Me?!" I blurted in disbelief. "How could it be me? I'm straight!" Because while I might have only had one data point on Spock, I had several dozen on me, and they were all female.
"I didn't say it was you," the ambassador pointed out patiently.
"No, but it was, wasn't it?"
He didn't respond, which was as good as a yes. My brain was going a mile a minute trying to make sense of this new information, when something struck me. "You lied to me," I said, pointing at him accusingly. Not that it'd be the first time - and don't think I'm not still annoyed about that whole universe-ending 'implication', because I am - but I still felt kind of betrayed. "You told me you and he were friends."
"We were," he replied, but at least had the decency to add, "Among other things."
"Right," I snorted.
I don't think either of us really knew what to say after that, so we just sort of sat there in awkward silence. I don't know how the ambassador was taking it all - I really don't think he'd planned to give away as much as he had - but I wasn't really thinking about him right then. My mind was busy focusing on the idea that the other me had been in a relationship with a guy - with Spock of all people. It kept going round and round in my head until I had to move, and I stood up and started to pace.
The ambassador did speak then. "I did not mean to make you uncomfortable," he said, sounding pretty uncomfortable himself.
"I'm not uncomfortable," I said, still pacing. "It's just… kind of unexpected." I reached the edge of my quarters and whirled round to look at him. "You know that's not going to happen here, right? I mean Spock's with Uhura, and he barely seems to tolerate me half the time and I'm straight and-"
Thankfully he cut me off before I could go any further. "Breathe, Jim," he said gently.
Right. Breathe. Breathing was good. I took a deep breath as he added, "I do not expect you to have the same relationship with my counterpart as I had with yours. You are both very different people."
Ain't that the truth. The way the ambassador talked about my counterpart you'd think the sun shone out of his ass. In a way it was kind of neat, hearing about how awesome I was, even if, you know, it wasn't really me, but on the other hand it was a lot to live up to. Like the universe decided my dad's legacy wasn't enough for one lifetime and I should have to compete with a better version of myself as well.
Although, it struck me then, the other me couldn't have been as much of a stickler for the rules as I'd thought if he was screwing his first officer. In a weird way that actually made me feel better. I'd never slept with anyone on my crew, though I'd certainly wanted to.
Well, all right, a couple. But it was before they were part of my crew, so I don't think it counts.
Hell, maybe he wasn't actually that awesome at all, and it was all rose coloured glasses. The only information I had about him came from the ambassador, after all, and Mom always warned me that being in love with someone can make you blind to their faults.
I was so busy thinking about all this that I actually jumped when the ambassador cleared his throat. "Perhaps I should go," he said.
"You don't have to do that," I told him, but he shook his head.
"I have said too much already," he said, which wasn't really true given that I'd guessed most of it. He made his way to the door, then stopped. "I kept the details of my own time to myself for a reason," he told me solemnly. "Please do not allow this information to affect your relationship with my counterpart. Your friendship does not have to follow the same path as the one I shared with my Jim to be a source of strength to both of you."
I could only nod. Really, the last thing I was going to do was tell Spock about any of this. We were only just barely approaching anything that could be considered friendship, if I told him we'd been lovers in another lifetime he'd jump ship to the Vulcan colony before you could say 'Live long and prosper'.
I walked the ambassador back to the transporter room and watched him beam down, and then I went back to my quarters and collapsed on the bed.
I stared up at the ceiling, trying to get my mind to stop replaying the whole awkward, confusing conversation. I groaned and threw an arm over my eyes as it dawned on me that I'd gotten exactly what I wanted. I'd wanted the ambassador to let something slip about his own timeline, but I'd never even considered it might be something like this. The warning about being careful what you wished for had never felt so appropriate.
It wasn't like I had anything against the whole guy-on-guy thing - given my sex life I wasn't about to throw stones at anyone else's - but I'd never thought about it on a personal level. My interest in girls started early - I remember Susie Baxter whacking me over the head in third grade for trying to look up her dress - I'm not proud of it, for the record, but I was like eight at the time - and I'd never had any corresponding interest in guys.
Except that apparently my counterpart did, which made me wonder.
I'd heard the theories, of course. That most people at least have the capacity for bisexuality, it's just most of us don't act on it. And the other theories stating that sexuality is at least partly wired in before you're even born, thanks to genetics and hormones and various other things. It didn't mean that I had to be attracted to guys just because my counterpart was, but it did make me wonder if maybe the potential was there and I'd just never found the right guy to activate it.
My mind stayed firmly away from the whole 'right guy being Spock' idea. I wasn't opening up that can of worms if my life depended on it.
I brought my arm down and stared at the ceiling, going through all the guys I knew and trying to see if I found any of them attractive. And as I was doing that, I found myself remembering something.
When I was fourteen, Mom got this new boyfriend. She had a lot of boyfriends when I was a kid. Looking back, I think she was lonely, but back then all I cared about was the losers taking Mom's attention away from me. The worst were the ones that tried to act like my dad. I already had a dad, thanks, even if I'd never actually met the man.
None of them lasted very long, which might have had something to do with me and Sam actively chasing them off. We were pretty good at it, too. At one point we actually had a bet going over how fast we could get them to crack.
We were little shits as kids, I don't deny it. I give Mom major props for not just like abandoning us on the side of a road somewhere.
Anyway, this one was different. His name was Kenny, and he was… well, cool. He was a mechanic, and he had a hoverbike that he'd built himself out of spare parts. He used to take me out on rides on it, which was awesome even though Mom freaked out and insisted I wear a helmet and like fifteen layers of clothing.
I'm sure Sam would've hated him - he hated all Mom's boyfriends on principle - but he was away at college by that point so I was free from having to hate him too in brotherly solidarity. Which was good, since I'm not sure I could've hated Kenny if I'd tried. He was, hands down, the coolest adult I had ever met.
Part of it was that he hadn't treated me like a kid. He treated me like an equal, like he trusted me to make my own choices. Not many adults act that way. Admittedly, when I think of what an idiot I was back then I can kind of see why, but fourteen-year-old me still really appreciated it. He used to let me help out in his shop, teaching me how to realign a spark plug or clean out an exhaust or whatever else needed fixing.
He'd tell me stuff about his life while we worked, too. He'd moved back here because his dad was sick and his mom needed help with the farm, but before that he'd been a mechanic on a cargo ship, and he had a host of stories about it. Like the time his safety line got tangled while he was repairing a conduit, and he had to cut his way out and just pray he didn't fall, or the time one of his friends tried to make a still and ended up nearly blowing a hole in the ship.
He had this way of talking that kind of drew you in, made you sit up and listen. Or at least it did for me. I learned more from him in a few months than I had in years of school, most of it stuff that would never be taught at school in the first place. I learned how to knock a guy unconscious with one punch, how to count cards, and how to swear in Klingon.
I idolised Kenny. He was, like, my hero. Mom used to moan about my grades, but if I'd paid half as much attention to my teachers as I did to him I'd have been top of the class.
It didn't last, though. His dad got better and after a few months he left for a new job on a cruise ship. Mom was pretty upset, but I was absolutely devastated. Sam came home for the summer a few weeks later and caught me moping, and made some crack about my girlfriend breaking up with me. I'd told him to fuck off, but looking back I started to wonder if maybe there hadn't been a grain of truth to his words. If maybe my man-crush on Kenny hadn't been more of a, well, regular crush.
I was still thinking about it days later when we left New Vulcan and headed off for our next mission. Up until that point I'd kept my conversation with the ambassador and any corresponding questions about my sexuality firmly to myself, but I was fast approaching the point where I needed to talk to someone about it.
Normally when I have a problem I go to Bones. I can't say he actually helps so much as he lets me talk at him until I feel better, but it's an arrangement that's served me well so far. But I sensed I'd need a different approach for this one. I wasn't bullshitting when I told the ambassador Bones was the straightest guy I knew, and that was, like, the opposite of what I needed right then.
Fortunately, I had a fencing lesson with Sulu, which I figured was the perfect opportunity to get some answers.
I waited until we stopped for a break - I'm all for adventure, but even I struggle to have a conversation about sex while being jabbed with pointy swords - and watched him down half a bottle of water as I tried to figure out what to say. This was a situation that called for delicate handling, after all.
Then I realised that this was Sulu, and he knew me, and decided to throw all that 'delicate handling' stuff out the window.
"How did you know you liked guys?"
To his credit, Sulu just sort of shrugged. "I don't know. I just did." He narrowed his eyes at me. "And I know you're not just asking to make conversation, so what's up?"
I rubbed the back of my neck awkwardly. "You know Old Spock?"
"Yes…" Sulu replied, then added, "Does he know you call him that?"
I waved the question off. "When he visited me on New Vulcan we got to talking about his universe, and he let slip that the other me was in a relationship with a guy." I deliberately left out which guy. It would only complicate matters, and seriously, not opening that can of worms ever.
"Ah," Sulu said. "And now you're worried about your heterosexuality being threatened by this information."
I glared at him; it was obvious he wasn't taking the situation seriously. "I'm not worried. I'm just… confused. Wouldn't you find it weird if the other version of you was completely straight, no interest in guys at all?"
Sulu frowned. "Yeah, I guess, but it wouldn't change anything. I know who I am."
He made it sound so easy. "But…" I paused, taking a second to gather my thoughts. "Shouldn't it mean something? I mean, we started off the same person, share the same genes. I would've been him, if things had worked out differently." If Nero hadn't screwed everything up, I added silently.
"But you're not," Sulu pointed out. "It's not like other stuff hasn't changed between that world and ours, right?"
"And a lot of stuff stayed the same," I countered. Before he could respond, I continued, "Besides, it's not just that. There was this guy when I was a teenager, and I thought it was just a kind of hero-worship, but now I'm not so sure." Something else came back to me, and I added, "And back on campus there was this Deltan guy who I had some really confusing dreams about."
"Oh, that's just Jai," Sulu replied with a shrug. "Everyone has confusing dreams about him." I huffed, and he added, "Look. Say you do have some latent attraction to guys. Does it really matter? Would it make any real difference to who you are, or what you stand for?"
He did have a point. "No," I decided. "No, it wouldn't."
"Well, then," Sulu said, as though the conversation was finished. "Are we gonna talk some more, or can I get back to kicking your ass?"
I'd like to say I kicked his ass, but that would be a lie. He's been fencing since he was like six. But I did feel a lot better. He hadn't said anything I didn't already know, but just the act of discussing it had helped more than I could have expected.
I was feeling pretty good as I headed back to my quarters after the lesson. Maybe I was bisexual. What did it matter? Hell, maybe this was a good thing - it'd mean a major increase in my potential sex partners. Not to mention the new acts that became available when you added an extra dick into the mix. I was an adventurous guy, sure, but there were limits to how far toys and ingenuity could take you.
I was still contemplating that thought when I got back to my quarters, and it gave me the push I needed to put into action an idea that I'd previously only thought about.
I sat down at my desk, turned on the computer, and went looking for porn. But not the usual het or f/f stuff I'd been looking at since I was fourteen, no this was a search for hardcore man-on-man action. What better way to see if I was attracted to guys than to watch actual guys having sex?
I admit the first couple of vids were kind of a disappointment. The sex was… interesting, I suppose, but it did nothing for me. To be honest, I was on the verge of giving up on the whole thing when a vid caught my eye and I stopped. From what I could tell it was a fairly average vid of one guy giving a blow-job to another guy, but the one on the receiving end was, well, it might sound stupid, but he was breath-taking.
Dark hair, pale, flawless skin, and full pink lips. He was gazing down at the other guy, running his fingers through his blond hair, and it just looked so… well, intimate. He even reminded me a little of someone, but I couldn't figure out who.
I clicked on the vid, and almost immediately realised this would be different. I'd never given a blow job, but the dark-haired guy's reaction made it seem like a pretty appealing idea, and I soon found myself getting hard.
I frowned, then shrugged. I'd wanted answers, and apparently I was getting them. I set the door lock and unfastened my pants.
A few minutes later saw me shaking my head slowly as I cleaned myself up. Yeah, the results were in, and apparently I was definitely not straight.
I'd expected to feel more surprised, to be honest. After the past few days it felt kind of anticlimactic, like confirming something I already knew.
I didn't have much time to think about it, though. The door buzzed, and I jumped into action, turning off the computer and hurrying into the bathroom to wash my hands.
The door buzzed again. "Just a minute!" I yelled in annoyance. I took a quick look in the mirror, making sure there was nothing obviously amiss, before unlocking the door. "Come in," I called.
It turned out to be Spock. "Captain," he said, striding into my quarters as if he owned the place. "I trust I am not interrupting anything?"
He looked at me and I had the sudden unnerving impression that he knew what I'd been doing before he walked in. Don't be ridiculous, I told myself firmly. He's a Vulcan, he's not psychic. "No, it's fine," I replied. "I was just in the bathroom."
He nodded, but didn't reply, and after a few seconds of silence I got edgy. "So what brings you here?" I asked. "Is something wrong with the ship?" It had to be something like that; I could count the number of conversations we'd had about non-ship's business on one hand.
Spock didn't answer for a second, his attention caught by a snow globe on one of my shelves. I almost told him to pick it up and shake it, just to see what would happen, but he turned away before I could get the words out. "All stations are functioning normally," he said, his attention now focused back on me. "You may rest assured that there is nothing wrong with the ship, or the crew. My presence here is strictly unofficial."
I leaned against my desk, staring at him. "So why are you here?" I asked.
For a moment he didn't answer. "Your demeanour has changed since our visit to the Vulcan colony. You seem… distracted. Preoccupied. While it has not affected your performance as captain, I cannot guarantee that this will remain the case." He frowned, very slightly. "I have considered the facts, and it has occurred to me that the source of your distraction may have to do with my counterpart."
I coughed. "What… ah, what gave you that idea?"
He tilted his head, studying me like I was a problem he hadn't quite figured out the solution to. "Prior to our arrival at the colony, you expressed a great deal of anticipation at the prospect of spending time with the ambassador. Yet since our departure you have not mentioned him once, and when Doctor McCoy brought him up in conversation yesterday your response was unusually vague and non-committal."
I cut in then. "You eavesdropped on my conversation with Bones?" I didn't know whether to be annoyed or amused at the thought.
Spock adjusted his posture slightly. "Vulcan hearing is extremely sharp. The volume of your conversation was quite sufficient for me to overhear it without 'eavesdropping'." He sounded a little defensive, but that might have been my imagination. "And you are distracting me from my point, which is that I suspect my counterpart of in some way offending you, and I wish to know the details so that I can ensure it does not happen again."
I blinked. That had sounded a lot like Spock threatening to Vulcan-yell at the ambassador on my behalf. "You'd do that?" I asked.
"As your first officer it is my responsibility to see to your wellbeing," Spock replied, which wasn't really an answer, but it still made me feel all warm inside.
I shook my head, unable to keep from smiling. "Well, thanks, but you've got it all wrong. He didn't offend me. He just… he told me something about the other timeline that I wasn't expecting, and it took me a while to deal with it. But I have now, and it's fine."
"Ah," Spock said. "In that case I apologise for jumping to conclusions." He looked ever-so-slightly awkward, which just made me smile more.
"No, don't worry," I said. "You were trying to look out for me, and I appreciate that."
"My actions were not purely selfless," Spock admitted. "If my counterpart had insulted you, I wished to avoid his actions in some way reflecting badly on myself."
I took a second to translate that. "You mean you were afraid if I was pissed off at him, I might start taking it out on you?"
"Colloquially put, but accurate," Spock replied.
"Well then you're an idiot," I told him. "Even if he had pissed me off, I wouldn't take it out on you, any more than I take it out on him when you piss me off. You're different people. It'd be like me yelling at Sulu for something Bones said."
"That is… surprisingly logical," Spock said after a moment.
I crossed my arms. "Glad you approve."
We just sort of stared at each other for a second, then he said, "Since I appear to have achieved my aims, I shall depart." He took a step towards the door, then stopped. "Captain?"
"Yes, Mister Spock?" I asked, wondering what on Earth he could possibly want now.
He tilted his head at me. "I admit to some curiosity…. Would you perhaps be willing to tell me what it was my counterpart said to you?"
Yeah, when hell freezes over, I thought, but of course I didn't say that. "Sorry, Spock," I said, "it- it's kind of private." I nearly said it didn't concern him, but of course the truth was it concerned him more than pretty much anyone else.
"I see," he said. "Good day, Captain."
"Yeah, bye, Spock," I replied.
The moment he was gone I sank into my desk chair and rubbed my hands over my face. Unless I was very much mistaken, Spock had just told me he was worried about me thinking badly about him. Not in those words, of course, but that definitely seemed to be the gist. I wondered vaguely if I was hallucinating.
Thankfully - or not - he was back to normal on the bridge the next morning. All "Yes, Captain", and "No, Captain", and "I would not recommend that course of action, Captain". I don't know how he makes "Captain" sound like "You idiot", but he manages it. It's always just subtle enough that I can't call him on it, too. I began to think that the other me really must have been the saint the ambassador described him as if he was willing to put up with this twenty-four seven. Either that or the sex was really good.
That thought sent my mind to disturbing places, so I quickly abandoned it. Bones called me down to sickbay not long after, and I was so happy to have something else to think about that I went without a second thought. It wasn't until he shoved me onto a bed and began running scans that I remembered why I'd been avoiding sickbay lately.
In my defence, I took the realisation with good grace and allowed him to examine me. I didn't even try to escape! Well, okay, once. But that was just to test Bones's reflexes. He's surprisingly fast when he needs to be. He grumbled the whole way through about how-are-you-still-alive and I-told-you-coffee-is-not-a-food-group, but finally admitted there was nothing wrong with me. Didn't stop him jabbing me with about six different hyposprays, though. I'm convinced some of them are just water.
Anyway, by the time that was all over, it was time for lunch. Bones accompanied me and made his usual complaints about my choice of meal - a burger and fries, for the record - upon which I pointed out that he himself had just pronounced me 100 percent healthy. He couldn't really argue with that, although he grumbled something about trying to make sure I stayed that way.
As we ate, I realised I hadn't told him about my recent revelation. "Oh," I said, "so it turns out I'm bisexual."
Bones choked on his lunch. I whacked him on the back helpfully, but he didn't seem to appreciate it, just sort of glared at me until I stopped.
"Don't just say things like that!" he said when he could speak again.
"Sorry," I said, though I wasn't sorry at all. From the look he gave me, he could tell.
"Suppose it makes sense," he admitted after a moment. "You've never limited yourself in any other area of your life, why this?" His eyes narrowed briefly. "That's all you wanted to tell me, right? This isn't the start of some declaration?"
"God no," I said, shuddering at the thought. "You're like my brother. It'd be weird."
He relaxed. "Well, good." He eyed me speculatively. "So, anyone in particular you're interested in?"
I started to shake my head, before it struck me that this was a perfect opportunity to screw with him. I stopped abruptly and leaned forward as if imparting a secret. "You know Lieutenant K'krakk in Engineering?"
Bones's eyes went wide. "The Betelgeusian?"
The look on his face was priceless. I burst out laughing and he scowled. "That's not funny."
"Maybe not to you," I replied, still laughing. "You should have seen your face."
I calmed down before Bones could murder me and shook my head. "But to answer seriously, no. There's no one I'm interested in right now."
Something about the words felt off, but I couldn't figure out why.
Bones shrugged. "So what's brought this on, then? You finally run out of women and decide to start on the men?"
I was fairly sure that was an insult, but after more than three years of friendship with Bones I'd become pretty much immune. "Nah," I said. "Although I might have to use that one the next time someone asks." He glared at me and I shrugged. Might as well tell him the truth - or at least the edited version I'd told Sulu. "Old Spock let slip that the other me was bisexual, and the more I thought about it, the more sense it made."
I took a bite of my burger and chewed thoughtfully. "Plus I tried out some gay porn yesterday and it was actually pretty awesome." I still couldn't figure out who the dark-haired guy reminded me of, but he was damn good at his job.
Bones groaned, rubbing at his temples. "I did not need to hear that."
I shrugged. "Hey, you asked."
"Okay," Bones said, "I'm done talking about this. Explore your sexuality all you want, but leave me out of it." He narrowed his eyes. "And I'm telling you now, if I have to treat you for any weird alien diseases I will make you pay."
"You've been making that threat for years," I pointed out.
"Yes, and it still stands. Or do I need to remind you of the incident with the Efrosian girl and the-"
"Okay, okay!" I cut him off hurriedly. "Jeez, you're never going to let me live that down, are you? You weren't even the person who treated me!"
"Which is why it's still a threat and not a reminder," he replied with disturbing nonchalance. I took another bite of my burger and decided to change the subject.
"So how's Joanna lately?" I asked. This is my go-to whenever I need a distraction for Bones - he can never resist a chance to talk about his daughter. Give him a chance to badmouth his ex-wife in the process, and you've pretty much made his day.
Sure enough, he perked right up. "Oh, she's great. Got all As in her spelling tests, did I tell you?"
He had told me, but I let him tell me again. It was a small price to pay to keep him from giving me the STD talk again.
By the end of the conversation I was feeling quite accomplished. I'd told Bones, neither of us had freaked out, and I'd even managed to mess with him a little in the process. I considered that a successful coming out, all things considered, and I returned to the bridge in good spirits.
Spock slid out of the centre chair as I approached, and I nodded at him. "Anything to report?"
"Nothing of consequence, Captain." He headed back to his station, and I watched him for a moment before taking my seat with a happy sigh. Life was good.
So, that's the story of how I discovered my bisexuality. It hasn't actually changed much in my life, to be honest, except that now my rare shore leave hook-ups sometimes involve extra dick. And yes, for the record, I did eventually figure out who the dark-haired guy from the porn vids reminded me of, but that's a can of worms I'd rather leave shut.
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