Don't Let Go
Fandom: Star Trek TOS
Pairing: Kirk/Spock
Rating: PG
Summary: With V'Ger gone, it turns out Spock isn't quite as fine as they hoped. Fortunately Kirk is there to help.
Words: ~2500
Warnings: Description of panic attack
They haven't even left the solar system, still riding high on the adrenaline of stopping V'Ger, when Spock scares the hell out of everyone by collapsing on the bridge.
Kirk is at his side in a second, dropping to his knees beside him. Spock's face is ashen, and Kirk is vividly reminded that he was in sickbay just a few hours ago. He hears the whirring of a scanner and looks up to see McCoy taking readings.
"Exhaustion," McCoy concludes after a few moments. "Aggravated by stress and a certain ill-advised mindmeld. I'll take him down to sickbay just to be sure, but I'd say what he needs more than anything else right now is rest."
It's at that point that Spock opens his eyes. He blinks at them for a few seconds, looking vaguely confused, before his gaze focuses on Kirk. "Jim," he murmurs.
Kirk smiles. "Hey," he says. "Welcome back. You scared us a little there."
Spock sits up, glancing around. "I was unconscious?"
Kirk nods. "Bones says you're suffering from exhaustion, and frankly I'm inclined to agree with him." Above them, McCoy mutters something about being able to speak for himself, but Kirk ignores him. "He wants to take you down to sickbay-"
"That will not be necessary," Spock replies firmly. "I merely require rest."
Kirk glances at McCoy, who shrugs. "I'd still like to check him out, but I suppose it can wait until the morning."
Kirk nods, then turns back to Spock. "Right. You're off-duty for at least twenty-four hours, and I want you to get some sleep, okay? That's an order." He smiles to take the edge off his words.
Spock nods slowly. "I will do so." He still seems a little shaken.
Kirk jerks his head in the direction of the turbolift. "Come on," he says. "I'll walk you to your quarters."
A few minutes later leaves them standing outside the science officer's quarters, temporarily assigned to one Commander Spock of Starfleet.
"Call me if you need anything," Kirk tells him as Spock taps in the code to open the door.
Spock nods. "I will do so."
He moves to enter the room, and on impulse Kirk reaches out and grips his arm briefly. Spock's expression softens at the touch, and brings his other hand up briefly to cover Kirk's.
Warmth spreads through Kirk's chest at the action. "We need to talk," he says. "Not now - Bones will kill me if I don't let you rest - but when you're feeling better, I want you to come find me."
Spock tightens his grip for an instant before retracting his hand. "I look forward to it." He holds Kirk's gaze for a few seconds more, then turns and enters the cabin, the door sliding shut behind him.
Kirk stares at the closed door for a moment, feeling a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. "Sleep well, Spock," he murmurs, and begins making his way back to the turbolift.
* * * * *
The moment the door closes behind him, Spock orders the lock on and slumps into a chair, allowing his mask to fall. He didn't want to worry Kirk and the others, but he is concerned that the effects of his mindmeld with V'Ger might be more extensive than previously assumed. His shields are almost gone, and trying to hold out against a ship's worth of emotional humans and other aliens is extremely draining.
He sighs, reaching up to rub his temples. He is more exhausted than he can remember being, and his head aches unpleasantly. For a moment he just sits there, contemplating the pros and cons of forgoing his usual nightly routine and collapsing into bed fully clothed.
In the end he manages to gather the energy to stand and stumble into the bathroom to clean his teeth before stripping off his uniform and pulling on a black tunic and sleep pants. He climbs into bed, orders down the lights, and is asleep almost as soon as his head touches the pillow.
* * *
He jerks awake some time later, fear flooding his body. Just a dream, he thinks as he takes in the walls and furniture of his quarters. It was just a dream. But the memories stay with him, suffocating him with feelings of loss and regret. He could have lost Kirk, could still lose him, and the thought of such a thing is terrifying.
Realising that his fear is in danger of overwhelming him, Spock closes his eyes and reaches for the first level of meditation. But it remains out of reach, his usual controls useless against the onslaught of emotion. The thought occurs that perhaps V'Ger has damaged him irreparably, which only worsens the fear rushing through him.
His heart is pounding in his side, and it is difficult to breathe - he cannot seem to take in sufficient air. Nausea curls in his stomach, forcing him to move, to leave the bed and stumble into the bathroom. He runs the sink and splashes water on his face, trying once more to reach the first level of meditation. Once again it eludes him.
The light in the bathroom is over-bright, making his face look strange and unfamiliar in the mirror. It's too much for his already frazzled senses, and he turns away, slipping to the floor and curling into a ball.
This will pass, he tells himself desperately. It has to.
His emotions surge, threatening to overwhelm him, and he buries his head in his knees and tries to keep breathing.
* * * * *
Kirk is just coming off duty, stepping into the turbolift, when he is hit with the almost overwhelming sense that something is wrong. He leans against the wall and closes his eyes, trying to track it down. He knows there's nothing wrong with the ship, so what-
His eyes fly open as the source of his unrest becomes clear. Spock. The link between them has been dormant the last few years, but the feeling of it is as familiar as breathing. And right now it's telling him that Spock needs him.
He jumps into action, ordering the lift to the officer's deck and rushing out as soon as the doors open. He nearly knocks into a yeoman laden with PADDs, and tosses an apology over his shoulder as he heads towards Spock's quarters at a run.
He skids to a halt as he reaches Spock's cabin, and slaps his hand on the door buzzer. He waits for precisely twenty seconds before signalling again, but there is still no response. Kirk hesitates briefly before tapping in the override code. He hasn't gotten this far by ignoring his instincts, and he trusts Spock not to hold it against him if for once they turn out to be wrong.
The door slides open, and he steps inside, his heart pounding. "Spock?"
The main quarters are empty, but the bedcovers are rumpled and Spock's uniform is still folded on the chair, which suggests he hasn't gone far. Kirk hesitates, then knocks lightly on the door to the bathroom. "Spock? It's Jim. Are you in there?"
He listens but doesn't hear anything. He's about to knock again when the door slides open.
Kirk takes a step back, ready to make his apologies, but the words die in his throat when he sees Spock, curled in a ball in the corner, hands pressed against his temples and head buried in his knees.
Kirk rushes over, dropping to his knees beside his friend. "Spock! What is it? What's wrong?"
"Too much," Spock mumbles. He curls in on himself further, fingers digging into his hair. "Too much."
"Too much what?" There is no response. Kirk chews on his lip, trying to figure out what to do. "Dammit, Spock, what's wrong?" he asks. "Should I call Bones?"
"No!" Spock shakes his head violently, breath coming in gasps. "It will… pass."
Panic attack, Kirk thinks. He hasn't had one since he was a teenager, but he recognises the signs. He reaches out to lay a hand on Spock's shoulder. "Breathe," he says. "I'm here."
Spock's head rises enough to look at him, and Kirk gives him an encouraging smile. Spock's gaze strays to the hand on his shoulder and suddenly he is moving, wrapping his arms around Kirk and burying his head against his chest.
Kirk falls back against the wall, almost overwhelmed by the waves of pain and stress and anxiety pouring off his friend. He doesn't know what has happened to Spock's usual shields, but it takes a few seconds before he can do anything but sit there frozen and try to keep from being dragged under.
"I'm sorry," Spock gasps. "I cannot… cannot control."
"Don't," Kirk tells him. He forces himself to move, arms curling protectively around Spock, one hand stroking his back in an attempt to soothe him. "Don't focus on control, okay? Just try to breathe. Deep, slow breaths."
Gradually Spock's breathing slows, emotions becoming calmer and less intense. "Better?" Kirk asks.
Spock nods, cheek rubbing against Kirk's shirt. "Yes. Thank you." He straightens up but makes no attempt to move away, instead pressing himself tightly against Kirk's side.
"Do you want to tell me what happened?" Kirk asks.
Spock is silent for a long moment, long enough that Kirk begins to wonder if he's going to answer at all. Then he sighs. "I had a nightmare," he admits quietly. "It made me realise how close I came to losing you - to losing myself - and it… disturbed me. Ordinarily I would have meditated to regain control, but with my shields damaged that is currently impossible and the attempt only served to further unbalance me. The results of which were as you observed."
"Snowball effect," Kirk replies, nodding. He glances at Spock. "Why didn't you call-" He starts to say 'me' then changes his mind, and finishes with, "Someone?"
"By the time it occurred to me that I could not manage alone, I was too far gone to ask for help," Spock says. His fingers brush Kirk's wrist as he adds, "Fortunately for me, you came to my aid regardless."
"Fortunately for both of us," Kirk corrects with a smile. "I'm just glad I could help." He touches his temple briefly. "I felt it, you know," he adds slowly. "That you needed me. Nearly knocked over a poor yeoman in my rush to get here."
He looks over at Spock, who is watching him silently. "Are you sure you don't want me to call Bones?"
Spock looks away. "No," he says, "but I fear you may want to call him."
Kirk frowns. "Why? What's wrong?" The look on Spock's face makes his heart speed up. "What aren't you telling me?"
Spock is silent for a moment, as if searching for words. "I believe my mind has latched onto yours as a kind of anchor," he says finally.
"What does that mean?"
Spock lays a hand over his wrist. "It means that I should have been more careful," he says with a tinge of bitterness. "Now we are stuck together until I have managed to rebuild my shields."
Kirk stares at him. "Stuck together?"
Spock nods, his fingers tightening briefly around Kirk's wrist. "I do not know what would happen if we were to stop touching, but it would no doubt be unpleasant."
Kirk stares at him. "You mean you might have another panic attack?"
Another nod. "Or worse. I also do not know how it would affect you." He swallows, eyes scanning the floor. "I apologise. I did not mean to impose on you like this."
Kirk sighs, unsure whether to hug him or shake him. "Spock," he says slowly, "you don't have anything to apologise for. You acted instinctively to save yourself, like if you'd grabbed onto me to stop yourself from drowning." Looking at Spock's pale, exhausted face, he thinks that's probably not so far from the truth.
"I… had not considered it that way," Spock admits.
Of course you didn't, Kirk thinks. Reaching out, he lays a hand over Spock's and squeezes gently. "I meant what I said before," he says. "I'm glad I could help." He pauses, thinking. "You said this would last until you had rebuilt your shields? How long will that take?"
"I do not know," Spock replies, and Kirk can hear the slight annoyance in his tone. He knows how much Spock hates not knowing things, especially when they're personal. "The need for physical contact should not last long - perhaps a few hours - but I estimate we'll need to remain close for several days."
Kirk takes his hand and carefully interlaces their fingers. "That shouldn't be so bad," he says. "I was hoping we'd be staying close to each other anyway." He keeps his tone light, but he has no doubt that Spock understands his meaning.
Spock stares down at their joined hands. "I am not sure you grasp the seriousness of the situation," he says, but his expression has softened.
Kirk shakes his head. "No, I do understand," he says. "But you're important to me, and right now all I care about is getting you well. Being close like this-" he raises their joined hands in emphasis "-is not a hardship."
Spock looks at him, then, and the pure affection in his eyes makes Kirk's heart skip a beat. Spock seems to study him for a moment, then leans in and slowly, carefully, brushes their lips together.
Kirk's free hand reaches up to cup Spock's face as he kisses back. With Spock's shields gone he can feel everything that Spock feels, and it's almost overwhelming. A wave of tiredness washes over him suddenly, and it takes him a few seconds to realise it isn't his.
With an effort, he breaks the kiss, thumb stroking across Spock's cheekbone as he pulls away. "Much as I'd like to continue this," he says, "I think right now what we both need most is rest."
Spock blinks at him, then slowly nods. "Perhaps you are right," he admits. "I am… somewhat fatigued."
Kirk smiles, pressing a quick kiss to Spock's forehead. "Come on, then."
Still holding tightly to Spock's hand, he leads him back to the bedroom and climbs into bed, pulling Spock down to rest against him. "Is this okay?" he asks.
"Yes," Spock replies, his head resting against Kirk's shoulder. "Thank you, Jim."
Kirk smiles, wrapping the blankets tightly around them both. He doesn't want Spock to get cold. "It's no problem. Get some rest, okay?"
Spock makes a soft noise of agreement, already half asleep. Kirk lets his own eyes drift shut in response, taking comfort in the solid body at his side. There's more to be said between them, much more, but it can wait.
Curled around each other, the two of them slip quickly into sleep and do not dream.
Pairing: Kirk/Spock
Rating: PG
Summary: With V'Ger gone, it turns out Spock isn't quite as fine as they hoped. Fortunately Kirk is there to help.
Words: ~2500
Warnings: Description of panic attack
They haven't even left the solar system, still riding high on the adrenaline of stopping V'Ger, when Spock scares the hell out of everyone by collapsing on the bridge.
Kirk is at his side in a second, dropping to his knees beside him. Spock's face is ashen, and Kirk is vividly reminded that he was in sickbay just a few hours ago. He hears the whirring of a scanner and looks up to see McCoy taking readings.
"Exhaustion," McCoy concludes after a few moments. "Aggravated by stress and a certain ill-advised mindmeld. I'll take him down to sickbay just to be sure, but I'd say what he needs more than anything else right now is rest."
It's at that point that Spock opens his eyes. He blinks at them for a few seconds, looking vaguely confused, before his gaze focuses on Kirk. "Jim," he murmurs.
Kirk smiles. "Hey," he says. "Welcome back. You scared us a little there."
Spock sits up, glancing around. "I was unconscious?"
Kirk nods. "Bones says you're suffering from exhaustion, and frankly I'm inclined to agree with him." Above them, McCoy mutters something about being able to speak for himself, but Kirk ignores him. "He wants to take you down to sickbay-"
"That will not be necessary," Spock replies firmly. "I merely require rest."
Kirk glances at McCoy, who shrugs. "I'd still like to check him out, but I suppose it can wait until the morning."
Kirk nods, then turns back to Spock. "Right. You're off-duty for at least twenty-four hours, and I want you to get some sleep, okay? That's an order." He smiles to take the edge off his words.
Spock nods slowly. "I will do so." He still seems a little shaken.
Kirk jerks his head in the direction of the turbolift. "Come on," he says. "I'll walk you to your quarters."
A few minutes later leaves them standing outside the science officer's quarters, temporarily assigned to one Commander Spock of Starfleet.
"Call me if you need anything," Kirk tells him as Spock taps in the code to open the door.
Spock nods. "I will do so."
He moves to enter the room, and on impulse Kirk reaches out and grips his arm briefly. Spock's expression softens at the touch, and brings his other hand up briefly to cover Kirk's.
Warmth spreads through Kirk's chest at the action. "We need to talk," he says. "Not now - Bones will kill me if I don't let you rest - but when you're feeling better, I want you to come find me."
Spock tightens his grip for an instant before retracting his hand. "I look forward to it." He holds Kirk's gaze for a few seconds more, then turns and enters the cabin, the door sliding shut behind him.
Kirk stares at the closed door for a moment, feeling a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. "Sleep well, Spock," he murmurs, and begins making his way back to the turbolift.
* * * * *
The moment the door closes behind him, Spock orders the lock on and slumps into a chair, allowing his mask to fall. He didn't want to worry Kirk and the others, but he is concerned that the effects of his mindmeld with V'Ger might be more extensive than previously assumed. His shields are almost gone, and trying to hold out against a ship's worth of emotional humans and other aliens is extremely draining.
He sighs, reaching up to rub his temples. He is more exhausted than he can remember being, and his head aches unpleasantly. For a moment he just sits there, contemplating the pros and cons of forgoing his usual nightly routine and collapsing into bed fully clothed.
In the end he manages to gather the energy to stand and stumble into the bathroom to clean his teeth before stripping off his uniform and pulling on a black tunic and sleep pants. He climbs into bed, orders down the lights, and is asleep almost as soon as his head touches the pillow.
* * *
He jerks awake some time later, fear flooding his body. Just a dream, he thinks as he takes in the walls and furniture of his quarters. It was just a dream. But the memories stay with him, suffocating him with feelings of loss and regret. He could have lost Kirk, could still lose him, and the thought of such a thing is terrifying.
Realising that his fear is in danger of overwhelming him, Spock closes his eyes and reaches for the first level of meditation. But it remains out of reach, his usual controls useless against the onslaught of emotion. The thought occurs that perhaps V'Ger has damaged him irreparably, which only worsens the fear rushing through him.
His heart is pounding in his side, and it is difficult to breathe - he cannot seem to take in sufficient air. Nausea curls in his stomach, forcing him to move, to leave the bed and stumble into the bathroom. He runs the sink and splashes water on his face, trying once more to reach the first level of meditation. Once again it eludes him.
The light in the bathroom is over-bright, making his face look strange and unfamiliar in the mirror. It's too much for his already frazzled senses, and he turns away, slipping to the floor and curling into a ball.
This will pass, he tells himself desperately. It has to.
His emotions surge, threatening to overwhelm him, and he buries his head in his knees and tries to keep breathing.
* * * * *
Kirk is just coming off duty, stepping into the turbolift, when he is hit with the almost overwhelming sense that something is wrong. He leans against the wall and closes his eyes, trying to track it down. He knows there's nothing wrong with the ship, so what-
His eyes fly open as the source of his unrest becomes clear. Spock. The link between them has been dormant the last few years, but the feeling of it is as familiar as breathing. And right now it's telling him that Spock needs him.
He jumps into action, ordering the lift to the officer's deck and rushing out as soon as the doors open. He nearly knocks into a yeoman laden with PADDs, and tosses an apology over his shoulder as he heads towards Spock's quarters at a run.
He skids to a halt as he reaches Spock's cabin, and slaps his hand on the door buzzer. He waits for precisely twenty seconds before signalling again, but there is still no response. Kirk hesitates briefly before tapping in the override code. He hasn't gotten this far by ignoring his instincts, and he trusts Spock not to hold it against him if for once they turn out to be wrong.
The door slides open, and he steps inside, his heart pounding. "Spock?"
The main quarters are empty, but the bedcovers are rumpled and Spock's uniform is still folded on the chair, which suggests he hasn't gone far. Kirk hesitates, then knocks lightly on the door to the bathroom. "Spock? It's Jim. Are you in there?"
He listens but doesn't hear anything. He's about to knock again when the door slides open.
Kirk takes a step back, ready to make his apologies, but the words die in his throat when he sees Spock, curled in a ball in the corner, hands pressed against his temples and head buried in his knees.
Kirk rushes over, dropping to his knees beside his friend. "Spock! What is it? What's wrong?"
"Too much," Spock mumbles. He curls in on himself further, fingers digging into his hair. "Too much."
"Too much what?" There is no response. Kirk chews on his lip, trying to figure out what to do. "Dammit, Spock, what's wrong?" he asks. "Should I call Bones?"
"No!" Spock shakes his head violently, breath coming in gasps. "It will… pass."
Panic attack, Kirk thinks. He hasn't had one since he was a teenager, but he recognises the signs. He reaches out to lay a hand on Spock's shoulder. "Breathe," he says. "I'm here."
Spock's head rises enough to look at him, and Kirk gives him an encouraging smile. Spock's gaze strays to the hand on his shoulder and suddenly he is moving, wrapping his arms around Kirk and burying his head against his chest.
Kirk falls back against the wall, almost overwhelmed by the waves of pain and stress and anxiety pouring off his friend. He doesn't know what has happened to Spock's usual shields, but it takes a few seconds before he can do anything but sit there frozen and try to keep from being dragged under.
"I'm sorry," Spock gasps. "I cannot… cannot control."
"Don't," Kirk tells him. He forces himself to move, arms curling protectively around Spock, one hand stroking his back in an attempt to soothe him. "Don't focus on control, okay? Just try to breathe. Deep, slow breaths."
Gradually Spock's breathing slows, emotions becoming calmer and less intense. "Better?" Kirk asks.
Spock nods, cheek rubbing against Kirk's shirt. "Yes. Thank you." He straightens up but makes no attempt to move away, instead pressing himself tightly against Kirk's side.
"Do you want to tell me what happened?" Kirk asks.
Spock is silent for a long moment, long enough that Kirk begins to wonder if he's going to answer at all. Then he sighs. "I had a nightmare," he admits quietly. "It made me realise how close I came to losing you - to losing myself - and it… disturbed me. Ordinarily I would have meditated to regain control, but with my shields damaged that is currently impossible and the attempt only served to further unbalance me. The results of which were as you observed."
"Snowball effect," Kirk replies, nodding. He glances at Spock. "Why didn't you call-" He starts to say 'me' then changes his mind, and finishes with, "Someone?"
"By the time it occurred to me that I could not manage alone, I was too far gone to ask for help," Spock says. His fingers brush Kirk's wrist as he adds, "Fortunately for me, you came to my aid regardless."
"Fortunately for both of us," Kirk corrects with a smile. "I'm just glad I could help." He touches his temple briefly. "I felt it, you know," he adds slowly. "That you needed me. Nearly knocked over a poor yeoman in my rush to get here."
He looks over at Spock, who is watching him silently. "Are you sure you don't want me to call Bones?"
Spock looks away. "No," he says, "but I fear you may want to call him."
Kirk frowns. "Why? What's wrong?" The look on Spock's face makes his heart speed up. "What aren't you telling me?"
Spock is silent for a moment, as if searching for words. "I believe my mind has latched onto yours as a kind of anchor," he says finally.
"What does that mean?"
Spock lays a hand over his wrist. "It means that I should have been more careful," he says with a tinge of bitterness. "Now we are stuck together until I have managed to rebuild my shields."
Kirk stares at him. "Stuck together?"
Spock nods, his fingers tightening briefly around Kirk's wrist. "I do not know what would happen if we were to stop touching, but it would no doubt be unpleasant."
Kirk stares at him. "You mean you might have another panic attack?"
Another nod. "Or worse. I also do not know how it would affect you." He swallows, eyes scanning the floor. "I apologise. I did not mean to impose on you like this."
Kirk sighs, unsure whether to hug him or shake him. "Spock," he says slowly, "you don't have anything to apologise for. You acted instinctively to save yourself, like if you'd grabbed onto me to stop yourself from drowning." Looking at Spock's pale, exhausted face, he thinks that's probably not so far from the truth.
"I… had not considered it that way," Spock admits.
Of course you didn't, Kirk thinks. Reaching out, he lays a hand over Spock's and squeezes gently. "I meant what I said before," he says. "I'm glad I could help." He pauses, thinking. "You said this would last until you had rebuilt your shields? How long will that take?"
"I do not know," Spock replies, and Kirk can hear the slight annoyance in his tone. He knows how much Spock hates not knowing things, especially when they're personal. "The need for physical contact should not last long - perhaps a few hours - but I estimate we'll need to remain close for several days."
Kirk takes his hand and carefully interlaces their fingers. "That shouldn't be so bad," he says. "I was hoping we'd be staying close to each other anyway." He keeps his tone light, but he has no doubt that Spock understands his meaning.
Spock stares down at their joined hands. "I am not sure you grasp the seriousness of the situation," he says, but his expression has softened.
Kirk shakes his head. "No, I do understand," he says. "But you're important to me, and right now all I care about is getting you well. Being close like this-" he raises their joined hands in emphasis "-is not a hardship."
Spock looks at him, then, and the pure affection in his eyes makes Kirk's heart skip a beat. Spock seems to study him for a moment, then leans in and slowly, carefully, brushes their lips together.
Kirk's free hand reaches up to cup Spock's face as he kisses back. With Spock's shields gone he can feel everything that Spock feels, and it's almost overwhelming. A wave of tiredness washes over him suddenly, and it takes him a few seconds to realise it isn't his.
With an effort, he breaks the kiss, thumb stroking across Spock's cheekbone as he pulls away. "Much as I'd like to continue this," he says, "I think right now what we both need most is rest."
Spock blinks at him, then slowly nods. "Perhaps you are right," he admits. "I am… somewhat fatigued."
Kirk smiles, pressing a quick kiss to Spock's forehead. "Come on, then."
Still holding tightly to Spock's hand, he leads him back to the bedroom and climbs into bed, pulling Spock down to rest against him. "Is this okay?" he asks.
"Yes," Spock replies, his head resting against Kirk's shoulder. "Thank you, Jim."
Kirk smiles, wrapping the blankets tightly around them both. He doesn't want Spock to get cold. "It's no problem. Get some rest, okay?"
Spock makes a soft noise of agreement, already half asleep. Kirk lets his own eyes drift shut in response, taking comfort in the solid body at his side. There's more to be said between them, much more, but it can wait.
Curled around each other, the two of them slip quickly into sleep and do not dream.