Invisible Threads - Part 2/3
Fandom: Star Trek TOS
Pairing: Kirk/Spock, mentions of canon others
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Kirk is understandably hesitant about starting a relationship with Spock; the last time he tried, Spock left him to pursue the kolinahr. But when Spock becomes ill while visiting his parents on Vulcan, Kirk decides that some things are worth the risk.
Words: ~8000/20800
The journey to Vulcan takes sixteen hours. Spock spends the time reading scientific journals, meditating, and trying not to think about Kirk. He is not particularly successful at either of the latter activities.
He begins to feel tired and unwell about halfway through the journey. His head aches, and he is unable to concentrate well enough to fully control the pain. He tries to sleep, but is plagued by strange dreams and wakes up wishing miserably that Kirk were there.
By the time they reach Vulcan, his headache has grown worse, and all he wants is to lie down in a dark room and go to sleep.
His mother is at the space-port to meet him, but her broad smile changes to a frown as she approaches. "Spock, what's wrong? Are you ill?"
"It is just a headache, Mother," he says quietly. "You should not worry so much."
"I'll worry if I want to," she retorts, but the concern in her tone is evident. "You look awful. Come on; let's get you home."
She takes his arm and propels him out of the terminal and over to an air-car near the edge of the parking lot.
Spock climbs into the passenger seat, content to let her drive. He lets his head fall back against the seat and closes his eyes, listening to his mother start the air-car and then feeling the swoop in his stomach as she pilots it into the air.
They have been flying for a few minutes when she says, "So; are you going to tell me why you decided not to go through with Kolinahr?"
Spock's eyes fly open and he winces as the light aggravates his headache. "I have told you," he says patiently. "I discovered my answers lay elsewhere."
"With your former captain," she states. She doesn't look at him, but he can see a hint of a smile on her face. Spock stares at her, speechless, for a long moment. "Oh, all right," she finally relents. "If you don't want to talk about it, I won't push you."
She glances at him, suddenly serious. "I have to say, though, I'm glad you didn't complete the ritual." She glances at him. "I've tried to be supportive, but your father and I agree it wasn't the best path for you."
Spock raises an eyebrow in surprise. "My father has always pushed me to be more Vulcan," he replies. "I assumed he approved of my decision."
His mother sighs. "Oh, Spock. He loves you just the way you are. He always has. He just isn't always very good at showing it."
He waits, but she doesn't say anything else, and after a few moments he shuts his eyes again and contemplates her words.
It isn't long before they arrive at the house, and his mother sets the air-car down in the garage. Spock climbs out and then has to steady himself against the side of the vehicle as a wave of dizziness passes over him.
"Spock?" his mother asks, and he hears her come around to his side. He opens his eyes as the dizziness begins to recede and sees her studying him with a worried look. "You're very pale," she says in concern. "I hope you're not coming down with something."
"It is unlikely, Mother," Spock replies. "It is most likely jet-lag from the journey." He stands up straight and attempts to look less ill than he feels. "I believe I will lie down for a while, if that is acceptable?"
"Of course," she says, not losing the worried look. "Your room's all ready." As Spock turns to go, she adds, "Call me if you need anything."
Spock nods. "I will do so." With that, he heads into the house and up the stairs to bed.
He falls asleep almost as soon as his head touches the pillow, but it is a restless sleep, filled with nightmares about Kirk. In some of them Kirk hates him, chooses someone else over him and scornfully tells him that he would never want someone like Spock. In others, Kirk chooses him and they are happy until disaster strikes and takes Kirk from him.
Spock wakes up from these nightmares anxious and miserable, and immediately checks the link to make sure Kirk is all right. His headache has eased slightly, but it is still there, like a tight band around his forehead. He checks the time, then mentally calculates the time difference to San Francisco, arriving at the conclusion that it is not too early to call.
Sure enough, Kirk answers almost immediately, and smiles broadly when he sees who is calling. "Spock! Got there safely then?"
"Yes, Jim," Spock replies, warmth spreading through his chest at the sight of his friend. "How are you?"
"Fine," Kirk replies. "Maybe a little tired, but otherwise I'm fine."
"You are working too hard," Spock tells him.
Kirk shrugs. "There are still people in command who aren't sure about the decision to give me the ship back. I'm trying to convince them otherwise."
"That should not be difficult," Spock tells him. "You are far and away the best person for the job."
Kirk smiles. "You're biased."
"Perhaps," Spock admits. "But I am right nonetheless."
Kirk laughs at his words. "I've missed you," he says fondly. He leans forward slightly. "So, how are your parents?"
"My mother is fine," Spock replies. "I have not seen my father yet."
"I'm sure it'll be fine," Kirk says. "He'll probably just be happy to see you."
"I am not sure ‘happy' is the word," Spock says dryly.
Kirk gives a short laugh. "Yeah, I guess not." He glances off-screen and frowns. "Sorry, Spock. I have to go." He smiles warmly, and adds, "It was good to see you, though."
"And you," Spock says with fervour.
They exchange goodbyes and Spock feels a painful sense of loss as the screen goes blank. He realises that for the last few minutes he has been almost unaware of his headache and fatigue, but they come rushing back as soon as the realisation hits him.
With a heavy sigh, he gets up and begins to unpack the few possessions he brought with him. Then he realises he is still wearing his clothes from the journey, and takes them off, setting them aside to be cleaned, before heading into the bathroom for a shower.
The sonic vibrations do not help his headache, and when he emerges from the shower he takes out a robe from the closet and decides to try meditating again.
He is not particularly successful, and is still attempting to attain the deeper levels when his mother knocks on the door. He sighs, concluding that he is not going to be successful, and rises to his feet. "Come in."
She enters his room and glances round before smiling at him. "How're you feeling?"
Spock considers the question. "My headache has diminished slightly," he says.
"That's good," she says. "Do you want something to eat?"
Spock shakes his head. "I am not hungry." He hasn't eaten anything since he left Kirk's apartment, but the constant ache in his head has taken away his appetite.
He is relieved that she doesn't argue. "Okay. Do you need anything else?"
"No," he says, adding quickly, "Thank you."
"Okay," she says again. "Get some rest. I'll tell you when your father gets home."
After she is gone, Spock looks at the meditation mat for a long moment, and then turns off the light and climbs back into bed.
* * *
He is dozing some time later when he is woken by a knock on the door. He blinks and sits up as his mother enters the room.
"Dinner's ready," she says quietly. "And your father's home."
Spock nods wearily. His headache has not improved, and his stomach is decidedly unsettled. He is not in the mood for dinner, and even less for a discussion with his father, but refusal will just lead to further questions. He takes a few deep breaths, waiting for the nausea to fade before pushing back the blankets and climbing out of bed.
His mother watches with a concerned look. "This doesn't seem like jet-lag to me," she says. "Are you sure you're feeling up to this?"
Spock nods. "You worry too much, Mother." He glances down and realises he is still wearing his meditation robe. "I will change and come downstairs in a few minutes."
"Okay," she says dubiously. "If you're sure." She turns to leave, but hesitates when she reaches the doorway. "Spock," she starts, "Are you sure there isn't anything else you want to tell me?"
Spock looks at her for a long moment, suddenly hit with a vivid memory from years ago. My mother. He strides across the room and takes hold of her hands, feeling surprise and love flow through the touch. He swallows, and reminds himself that he has already said the words once, albeit in very different circumstances. "I… I love you."
It comes out in a rush and for a moment he wonders whether she understood, but then she breaks into a beaming smile. "Oh, my love. I know that. I've always known." She squeezes his hands. "But I can't deny it feels good to hear it. I love you too."
Spock holds onto her hands for a moment longer, soaking in the love and acceptance, before letting go.
She reaches up and touches his shoulder gently, still smiling. "Go get changed. I'll be downstairs."
The door closes behind her, and Spock very nearly smiles himself. It feels good to have told her just once what she means to him.
He changes into something more formal, and heads downstairs to see his father.
He can hear his parents' voices coming from the dining room as he descends the staircase. He wonders if his mother has told his father of his earlier declaration, and if so, what his father's reaction will be, but puts it out of his mind. He does not care about his father's reaction; he does not and will not regret saying it.
Both his parents stop talking and turn to look at him as he enters the room. "Spock," his father says, and indicates the empty place to his left. "Sit down."
Spock takes his seat and notes that the plate before him is set with a simple meal of roots and vegetables. "Father," Spock says with a nod. "I hope you are well."
"I am," Sarek responds. "And you? Your mother tells me you have been feeling unwell since your arrival."
Spock glances at his mother, who looks back at him in concern. "It is nothing serious," he says. "I merely require rest." He takes a bite of his meal, trying to ignore his still unsettled stomach.
Sarek raises an eyebrow. "If you are sure," he says doubtfully, before focusing on his own meal. It is several minutes before he speaks again.
"Your mother tells me that you have rejoined Starfleet," Sarek says, as he reaches for his glass of water.
"That is correct."
Sarek takes a drink of water and sets the glass back on the table. "I admit to some curiosity as to what precipitated your decision to abandon the kolinahr," he says. "You seemed fully set on that path the last time we spoke."
Spock laces his fingers together in his lap. "I have seen what a life of pure logic would look like, and it is… sterile. Cold. I do not want that." He does not mention Kirk, or his epiphany in sickbay - those are private.
Sarek nods. "Your mother and I felt that it was not the best path for you."
Spock stares at him. "I was not aware of that," he says quietly. "I assumed you approved of my decision."
"I saw that any attempt to change your mind would be in vain," Sarek replies. "That does not mean that I agreed with your choice."
Spock bristles at his father's tone, and takes a few deep breaths to calm himself. Sarek is quiet for some time, and Spock hopes, a little illogically, that he has dropped the subject. He is half-right.
"You are aware, of course, that this decision leaves you little time to find an appropriate bondmate?" Sarek asks out of the blue, and what little food Spock has managed to consume tightens into a hard ball in his stomach.
"Yes, I am aware of that," he says quietly.
"An acquaintance of mine has an unbonded daughter a few years younger than you," Sarek continues. "I could introduce you, if you wish."
Spock shakes his head. "That will not be necessary." He has no wish to bond with anyone other than Kirk.
Both of his parents look at him with curiosity. "Have you found a bondmate already?" his mother asks.
"Perhaps," Spock replies. "I am not prepared to discuss it." His stomach lurches, and he abruptly gets to his feet. "If you will excuse me, I need to use the facilities."
He strides out of the room and maintains his dignity long enough to get out of sight before making a dash for the nearest bathroom.
A few minutes later he flushes the toilet and slumps wearily against the bathroom wall, stomach empty once more. Miserably he realises his mother is right; he is ill. He rises to his feet and is rinsing his mouth out at the sink when there is a knock on the door.
"Spock? Are you in there?" His mother's voice comes through the door. "We didn't mean to upset you."
Spock wipes his face and hands with a towel and opens the door. "I am not upset, Mother." He wavers slightly on his feet and places a hand on the doorway to steady himself. "I am, however, unwell."
She lays a hand on his arm and looks at him, frowning. "You're white as a sheet. Have you been sick?"
Spock nods tiredly and she presses a hand against his forehead, like she did when he was a child. "Well, you don't seem to have a fever," she says, voice laced with worry. "Do you still have a headache?"
He nods again.
"Hmm." She studies him for a moment more. "You look exhausted," she says, rubbing his arm soothingly. "Go to bed. Maybe you'll sleep it off."
Spock doesn't think it likely, but the prospect of rest is very appealing. "Tell Father we can continue the conversation at a later date," he says.
"Of course," she replies. "Now go get some rest."
Spock nods and obediently stumbles upstairs. He barely pauses to change into nightclothes before falling into bed and dropping into an exhausted doze.
* * *
Despite his exhaustion, Spock spends the night tossing and turning, unable to get comfortable. What little sleep he does get is fitful and filled with nightmares, and when the sun rises the next morning he feels like he has not slept at all. Giving up on the idea of sleep, he showers and dresses before heading downstairs.
He finds his mother in the kitchen making coffee. She glances up as he enters the room and smiles. "Hello, love. Are you feeling any better?"
"A little," Spock lies. If anything he feels worse.
"How's your stomach?" she asks. "Think you can manage some toast?"
Spock swallows hard against a sudden rush of nausea and shakes his head firmly. "I am not hungry."
"All right," she says. The coffee machine beeps to tell her it is finished, and she hurries over. They have a replicator, but she has always insisted that the coffee it produces doesn't taste as good as the real thing. "How about some tea?" she asks over her shoulder.
Spock considers the idea, and decides that he should drink something, if only to avoid dehydration. "Yes, thank you."
She sets a cup in front of him before sitting down opposite with her coffee. He drinks his tea slowly and listens as she describes her recent attempts to introduce Earth sunflowers to her greenhouse. His mother has always loved plants. He nods in the right places as she talks, but is otherwise content to sit and rest.
The tea helps to settle his stomach, and he feels a little better as he stands up to put his cup in the washer.
At least, he feels better until a wave of dizziness crashes over him. He grabs blindly at the table, and feels his mother guiding him back into his seat. Spock puts his head down and breathes deeply, waiting for the dizziness to pass.
"Maybe I should call a doctor," his mother says in concern. "This could be something serious."
Spock wants to argue, but his stomach lurches suddenly and he has to fight the urge to vomit. When he can speak again, all he can do is mumble, "Perhaps that would be best."
He has never been fond of doctors, but right now he would willingly endure even Doctor McCoy's barbed comments about his heritage if it would stop him feeling so utterly wretched.
His mother strokes his hair gently, worry flowing through her touch. "I'll make the call."
* * *
Spock spends the next several hours in bed, though he still isn't able to sleep or even meditate. He is studying the wall, too tired to move, when his mother walks in with a Vulcan woman about his age. Spock assumes this must be the doctor, and wearily pushes himself to a sitting position.
"I'll be downstairs if you need me," his mother says.
The doctor comes over to him as the door shuts. "Greetings, Spock," she says impassively. "My name is T'Pei. Your mother tells me you are experiencing nausea and dizzy spells?"
Spock nods. "I also have a severe headache, and am unable to sleep or to attain the higher levels of meditation."
"I see." She pulls out a medical tricorder. "I will examine you now."
T'Pei puts him through a battery of tests, all of which come up clean. At the end, she frowns very slightly and says, "There does not appear to be any physical cause for your illness." She tilts her head in thought. "Perhaps there is another cause."
Before Spock can ask what she means, she asks, "Are you bonded?"
"I share a mindlink with another, but we are not bonded," Spock replies.
She nods. "And where is your intended now?"
"On Earth," Spock replies, then adds with a hint of defiance, "He is human."
If T'Pei is surprised by his words, she doesn't show it. She merely nods and asks in the same dispassionate tone, "May I share your thoughts?"
Spock nods cautiously and closes his eyes. He feels T'Pei place her fingers carefully on his face, and then the slow merging of their minds.
All Vulcan doctors are skilled in the mind arts and T'Pei moves through his mind almost as though she were not there. However her skill does not prevent Spock from feeling a rush of anxiety as she examines the link that binds him to Kirk.
Unusually protective. Interesting. She probes lightly around the shining golden thread. This was not created by a healer.
No, Spock replies, unsure whether the words are meant as a criticism or just an observation. It formed spontaneously.
A spontaneous link with a human. Fascinating. Spock can almost feel the raised eyebrow that would normally accompany her words. I believe I have determined the source of your distress.
Spock feels her retreat from the link and cannot keep himself from feeling relief.
T'Pei carefully separates their minds and sits back. "The link that binds you and the human together is damaged. It is unable to withstand the great strain that your separation is causing."
Spock frowns. "We have been separated many times before with no problem."
"The damage appears to be recent," T'Pei responds.
Spock frowns. "I was injured during a mindmeld approximately one week ago, but I was assured there would be no permanent damage." Of course, he thinks, I was told that by a human doctor who would have no reason to consider the effect on a mindlink.
"You are fortunate that the consequences were not worse," T'Pei tells him. "I would recommend that your intended come to Vulcan as soon as possible. The consequences of prolonged separation could be dire for both of you."
Spock blinks as something occurs to him. "Do you mean he is experiencing these symptoms?" Kirk seemed fine when they last spoke, but his own symptoms were less severe back then. Spock frowns, disturbed; he does not want to be in pain, but he wants even less for Kirk to be in pain.
T'Pei spreads her hands in the Vulcan equivalent of a shrug. "I cannot say. I do not generally deal with humans. But I believe it is likely." She leans forward slightly as she adds, "The symptoms will become worse the longer the two of you spend apart."
Spock nods. "I will contact him immediately."
* * * * *
Sixteen light-years away, Kirk tosses aside the PADD he has been studying for the past twenty minutes and sighs, before folding his arms on the table in front of him and resting his head on them in exhaustion. He's barely slept at all since Spock left, and the strain is beginning to get to him.
After a few minutes he summons the energy to raise his head off his arms and rub his aching temples. With a grimace, he realises he isn't going to get any more work done in this state, and slowly stands up before making his way into his bedroom. Maybe he'll get lucky and it won't turn out like every other time he's attempted to sleep over the last couple of days.
As it happens, he doesn't get the chance to find out. He is just about to get undressed when he hears the doorbell.
He sighs heavily, then hurries across the apartment and opens the door. "Bones!" he exclaims in surprise. "What are you doing here?"
"Starfleet wanted me in San Francisco to answer some questions, and I thought I'd stop by and see you before I head back to Georgia," McCoy replies. "I tried to call, but I couldn't get through."
Kirk rubs the back of his neck. "That might be because I turned off my communicator." At McCoy's look, he adds defensively, "It was the only way I could get any work done."
"Am I interrupting you?" McCoy asks, as though the idea has only just occurred to him.
Kirk shakes his head. "No, I'm sorry. I'm just a bit on edge at the moment. Come in."
He leads McCoy into the lounge. McCoy looks around curiously as he sits down on the couch, and Kirk realises belatedly that he's never been here before. "Do you want a drink?" he asks.
"Brandy, if you've got it," McCoy replies.
Kirk nods. "I'll be back in a minute," he says, and heads into the kitchen.
"Where's Spock?" McCoy asks when Kirk returns to the lounge with two glasses of brandy. "I thought he was staying with you."
"He's visiting his parents on Vulcan," Kirk replies. "He actually asked me to go with him, but I have too much work to do." He hands McCoy one of the glasses before sitting down in the armchair opposite and taking a sip from his glass.
"Are you sure you're not working too hard?" McCoy asks, before taking a sip of his own glass.
"No," Kirk replies. "Why?" He leans forward to put his glass on the coffee table, and grimaces as his headache increases. He sits back and rubs at his temples again.
"You alright?"
McCoy leans towards him and Kirk waves a hand dismissively. "Yeah; just a headache. I didn't sleep well last night."
McCoy opens his mouth, but closes it again at Kirk's look of annoyance. "How long will Spock be gone for?" he asks instead.
Kirk shrugs and picks up his glass again. "A few days."
McCoy nods and takes a sip of his drink. "Have you two talked any more about your situation?"
Kirk shakes his head. "We haven't had a lot of time together." He gives a half-smile. "He's definitely trying; sometimes it's almost like we used to be. But there's always this voice inside asking, 'What if?'" He curls his hands around the glass tightly. "I want to trust him again, but I just… can't." His chest aches in sympathy with his head and he takes a few deep breaths.
"You know," McCoy says slowly. "I'm not sure this is totally about Spock."
Kirk stares at him. "What are you getting at, Bones?"
McCoy shrugs. "You don't exactly have the best romantic history." Kirk glares at him, but he continues on regardless. "People you love tend to die, or leave, or try to kill you…. Eventually it becomes easier not to let people get close to you."
Kirk frowns. "I thought you'd be happy that I wasn't just rushing into this blindly." God knows I've suffered enough lectures about that over the years.
"I would be, if you weren't working yourself to exhaustion in an attempt to avoid the situation."
"I have a lot to do," Kirk responds immediately. "It's not about that."
"Really," McCoy says sceptically. "None of the work you've been doing could be passed over to someone else?" He leans forward and continues speaking before Kirk can respond. "The way I see it, you got used to working God-knows-how-many hours a day over the past few years, because you didn't have anyone to go home to. And you're keeping to that schedule now because Spock's too soft-hearted to stop you, and you're too scared to let him."
"Spock understands how important this is," Kirk replies with annoyance.
"Does he?" McCoy asks, raising his eyebrows. "Or is he just going along with it to make you happy?"
The thought gives Kirk pause, which just makes him more annoyed. "You know," he says tightly, "I don't recall asking for your advice."
McCoy looks taken aback at his tone. "I'm just trying to help."
"Well, don't," Kirk snaps. "It's none of your business." His headache is getting worse, and he rubs the bridge of his nose, trying to ease it. "Look," he continues more calmly. "I'm not really in the mood for company right now. Maybe it'd be better if you left."
"Fine," McCoy replies stiffly. "I will."
He pauses on the way out and says quietly, "You can rationalise it all you want, Jim, but the bottom line is that Spock loves you, and you love him, and you're in danger of letting that slip away because you're scared."
With that he turns and leaves.
Kirk glares resentfully at the closed door as he drains his glass. How dare he? Acting like I'm avoiding Spock; that's a ridiculous idea. Spock understands how important this is to me.
But as his anger ebbs, doubt begins to set in. He remembers turning down Spock's invitation to Vulcan; the flicker of emotion in Spock's eyes at his refusal. It wasn't that I didn't want to go, he thinks, but I couldn't.
Really? asks a little voice in his head that sounds annoyingly like McCoy.
Kirk runs his mind back over the past week or so and sighs. He has a lot of thinking to do.
* * *
Kirk awakens from a nightmare with his heart pounding, and it takes him a few seconds to remember where he is. When he has calmed down a little, he realises he must have fallen asleep in his chair. He sits up, rubbing his eyes, and tries to remember the details of the nightmare, but all he can remember is the sense of loss and despair.
He sighs as his gaze falls on the two glasses from earlier, and makes a mental note to apologise to McCoy. I was a little hard on him, he thinks guiltily. And, if I'm honest, he wasn't totally wrong.
He picks up the glasses and heads into the kitchen. His headache is as strong as ever, and his next job after depositing the glasses in the sink is to down a couple of painkillers. Then he wanders back into the lounge and remembers that his communicator is still off. He switches it on and checks his messages. The most recent one is from Spock.
Frowning, he opens it. The message is very short.
Jim, I need to speak with you urgently. Please call me as soon as you get this message. Spock.
The message is about twenty minutes old. Intrigued, Kirk immediately opens a channel, and within minutes, Spock's face appears on the screen. He does not look well; his skin is worryingly pale and there are dark shadows under his eyes. "What happened to you?" Kirk asks in concern.
"The same thing that may be happening to you," Spock replies. "Are you experiencing headaches, nausea, disturbed sleep, or anything of that nature?"
Kirk blinks in surprise. "Yes..." he replies cautiously. "Why?"
Spock doesn't answer his question, instead asking, "Did these symptoms begin when I left?"
Kirk thinks back and frowns. "You know, I think you're right. What's going on?"
Spock shifts uncomfortably. "It seems that our connection has been adversely affected by my mindmeld with V'Ger. It cannot bear the strain of our separation."
"So you're coming back?" Kirk asks. He takes in the exhaustion on Spock's face and the misery in his eyes, and frowns. "Or do I have to come there?"
"That would be easier," Spock says quietly. "But I understand if you cannot leave your work."
Kirk's heart aches at his words. Oh, Spock. "You're more important to me than work," he says firmly. "I'll be there as soon as I can." I should have come with you in the first place, he thinks, but doesn't say it.
The look Spock gives him is filled with gratitude and affection. "Thank you."
Maybe Bones is right, Kirk thinks as they exchange goodbyes. Maybe I should give this a chance.
He cuts the connection and begins looking up flights to Vulcan. The earliest is tomorrow morning. He books a seat and sends Spock a message giving his time of arrival, then turns off the computer and wanders into his bedroom to pack.
When he is finished, he dumps his bag by the door before contacting Nogura and telling him that he'll be off-planet for a few days, but that he can be contacted by communicator if necessary. His superior isn't happy about it, but when Kirk points out that this is the first time he's taken time off in over a year, Nogura can't really say no.
That done, Kirk decides his next task is to apologise to McCoy. He taps in the code on the computer and waits patiently for the response.
McCoy doesn't look happy to see him. "What do you want?" he asks impatiently. "I'm busy."
Kirk has his doubts about that, but doesn't argue. "I wanted to apologise for earlier." He shrugs. "I still don't appreciate you interfering in my decisions, but I know you were trying to help, and I'm sorry for snapping at you."
McCoy's expression changes from annoyed to conciliatory at his words. "In that case, I'm sorry for pushing you," he replies. "You were right; it's none of my business."
Kirk smiles briefly. "And I thought you might be interested to know that I'm going to Vulcan."
He outlines his conversation with Spock, and McCoy gives him a look. "Didn't I warn you about the dangers of letting people rifle through your brain like that?"
"If the link hadn't saved my life several times, I'd agree with you," Kirk replies.
"Wait a minute," McCoy says suddenly, brow furrowing. "Didn't you say Spock was staying with his parents?"
Kirk nods.
McCoy grins. "Well, this should be interesting." Kirk glares at him and he sobers. "Oh, relax. I'm sure it'll be fine."
"That's easy for you to say," Kirk mutters darkly. He sighs, and changes the subject. "How's Joanna?"
They talk for a while longer, and then McCoy has to sign off. "I hope it works out for you," he says as they exchange goodbyes, and Kirk nods.
He tries to sleep, but after waking from nightmares three times in a row, he gives up and spends the night sorting out what out of his to-do pile can be passed off to other people. To his surprise, quite a bit of what he has thought of as ‘his' work can easily be delegated. He divides the tasks up evenly, then sends messages to his staff informing them of their assigned duties, and ending with the news that he is taking some time off and would prefer not to be contacted, but that they can reach him on his communicator if anything urgent comes up.
By the time the sun rises in the morning, he is at least a week ahead on his paperwork, and feeling quite accomplished. He turns off the computer and rubs his eyes, then stands and stretches his aching muscles before heading for the shower.
The hot water feels wonderful on his skin, helping to ease his aches and pains. He switches to cold right at the very end to wake himself up and steps out of the shower feeling invigorated.
He dresses quickly, and ten minutes later is putting the final items into his travelling bag. He doesn't have to be at the spaceport for another hour, but he'd rather get there early than risk arriving too late. His head throbs at him as if to remind him of the consequences should he miss his flight.
He makes a final circuit of the apartment and then, when he is satisfied that he has everything he needs and everything else is in order, leaves and locks the door firmly behind him.
* * *
The journey to Vulcan is not pleasant. The noise around him aggravates his headache - and painkillers don't seem to help - and the smell of food makes his stomach turn. He wants to go to sleep, but doesn't want to risk having a nightmare in front of strangers, especially when several of them are Vulcans.
By the time they land he is utterly exhausted and has to drag himself out of his seat and into the terminal. He is trying to figure out where he would be able to get a taxi when he recognises one of the faces at the arrival gate.
Sarek stands impassively as Kirk approaches. "Admiral Kirk," he says. "Spock told me you would be coming."
"Ambassador," Kirk replies with a nod, then hurries to catch up as, without a word, Sarek turns and heads towards the exit.
"How's Spock?" he asks as they walk.
Sarek glances at him. "He is very ill. We must return home as soon as possible."
The heat that hits Kirk as they step out of the terminal makes him gasp. He'd almost forgotten what it's like on Vulcan. He follows Sarek through the parking lot and climbs into a thankfully air-conditioned air-car.
Sarek doesn't talk much during the journey back to his house, and Kirk is on the brink of dozing off when he asks abruptly, "What is your relationship with my son?"
Kirk jolts awake immediately, shoving aside a mental image of McCoy grinning at him. He clears his throat and says, "With respect, sir, that's between him and me."
There is silence for long enough that he hopes Sarek has decided to drop the subject, before the Vulcan asks, "Do you intend to bond with him?"
Kirk takes a deep breath and manages not to rub his forehead in exasperation. "We haven't discussed it," he says, unsure how to deal with this conversation. The last time he was grilled by the parents of a romantic partner, he was seventeen and they were actually dating. This is a whole different ball game.
"Perhaps you should," Sarek replies, and goes back to focusing on the controls while Kirk tries to figure out whether that's meant to be a threat or an encouragement.
They reach the house before he's worked up the courage to ask. Amanda appears as they land in the garage. Kirk climbs out of the car and she makes a beeline for him. "Admiral Kirk," she says warmly. "I'm glad you're here."
Kirk nods, barely listening. Now that he's this close he can feel the pull of their connection. He pushes past Amanda and hurries into the house. His feet carry him up the stairs and into the second room on the right.
Spock is curled on the bed, clearly in pain. Kirk's chest aches at the sight, and he walks over and crouches down next to him. At this distance Spock looks even worse; the only colour in his face is in the shadows under his eyes. He is breathing shallowly, and seems to be either asleep or unconscious.
Kirk reaches out and gently touches his cheek, but Spock doesn't stir. Frustration bubbles within Kirk. Tell me what to do; I don't know what to do! he thinks desperately.
"He will need physical contact."
Kirk turns to see Sarek standing in the doorway, holding his bag. "He should begin to improve now that the two of you are no longer separated," Sarek continues, "but physical contact will speed the process." He glances at Spock and Kirk swears he sees emotion cross his face for a brief second. It is gone almost instantly, however, and Sarek adds dispassionately, "I will give you some privacy." He places the bag down and leaves.
As the door closes, Kirk considers the information he has just been given. Right; physical contact. He stands up, walks round to the other side of the bed and sits down to pull off his boots before lying down next to Spock. He reaches over and pulls the other man into his arms. "I'm sorry," he murmurs into Spock's hair. "I'm here now."
He can feel the stress and pain begin to drain out of him, and closes his eyes, trying to project warmth, and strength, and love. But the bed is soft, and the room is warm, and he is very tired, and before he knows it he has fallen asleep.
* * *
Kirk wakes up some time later to Spock shifting restlessly and muttering in his sleep. Kirk tightens his hold and tries to project calm to counteract the anxiety he is picking up through their connection. It doesn't seem to help, though, as Spock awakens with a gasp and Kirk can feel him trembling as he shifts in his arms.
Spock looks up at Kirk's face and starts to calm as recognition dawns. He reaches up to touch Kirk's cheek and says quietly, "Jim."
"Hey," Kirk replies. "Nightmare?"
Spock shudders. "Yes."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"No." Spock pulls away slightly until they are lying face to face, barely touching. "How are you feeling?" he asks.
Kirk frowns. "Shouldn't I be the one asking that? You were almost catatonic when I got here." His stomach twists at the memory.
Spock is still staring at him, so he adds, "I'm fine, Spock." He reaches out and touches Spock's arm. "What about you? And don't lie," he adds quickly.
Spock closes his eyes briefly. "I am… better."
Kirk rubs the arm under his hand gently. "Do you need anything?"
"No," Spock says, with a shake of his head. "Just… you."
"You have me." He brings Spock's hand to his face. "Do you need…?"
Spock spreads his fingers across Kirk's cheek, but then moves his hand away. "I would rather not," he says quietly. "My control is not at its best, and I cannot risk hurting you." Something that Kirk can't identify flashes in his eyes before he glances away. "The link will heal on its own providing we stay relatively close to one another."
"For how long?" Kirk asks.
"I am unsure," Spock admits. "A few days at least. I'm… sorry for the inconvenience."
"I thought I told you to stop apologising," Kirk tells him. "I'm just glad you're okay."
Very gently, he reaches out and runs his fingers across Spock's cheek. "I love you," he says softly. "I'm not sure I ever stopped."
"Jim…" Spock starts, but Kirk cuts him off.
"No, let me finish." He sits up and brings his knees up to his chest before wrapping his arms around them. "I've lost a lot of people in my life; gotten pretty used to dealing with it. But I remember how it felt when I lost you and I was… scared. I thought if I kept you at arm's length it wouldn't hurt as much, but it just ended up hurting differently." He takes a deep breath and adds, "I don't want to be afraid anymore."
Spock touches his shoulder. "Jim."
Kirk turns to look at him.
"I cannot promise that we will never be parted," Spock says quietly. "But you have my word that if it is in my power to stay, I will not leave you."
"I believe you," Kirk says, realising to his surprise that it's true. Deep inside, a part of him that has been broken for far too long starts to heal.
Very gently, he leans forward and brushes his lips against Spock's. When he pulls away, Spock moves with him and kisses him back. The kiss rapidly becomes heated, and he reaches up to grip Spock's shoulders. Spock's hands skim down his sides and under his shirt and Kirk slides his own hands around to Spock's back, pulling them closer together.
Reason comes back to him as Spock begins to tug at the hem of his shirt. He pulls back and presses his hands gently against Spock's chest as the other man tries to move closer again. "Just… wait a second," he says quietly. "Are you sure we should be doing this?"
Spock looks stricken. "I apologise. I assumed this was what you wanted." He shifts back, away from Kirk, and adds, "I didn't mean to rush you."
Kirk shakes his head. "I should've known you'd get the wrong end of the stick," he says ruefully, and reaches out to pull Spock closer. "Look," he says, running his fingers through Spock's hair, "I can't think of anything I'd rather do right now than make love with you, but I want it to be something we both enjoy. And if that means waiting until you're feeling better, then so be it."
"I am feeling better now," Spock replies immediately.
"Are you sure?" Kirk asks. "You still look exhausted."
Spock nods. "I want to be with you, in all ways." His fingers return to the hem of Kirk's shirt as if to make his point.
Kirk studies him for a long moment. "All right; if you're certain. But just… just tell me if it gets too much."
Spock nods again.
Kirk smiles and leans in to kiss him. "In that case, where were we?"
* * *
They explore each other slowly, learning what works and what doesn't. Spock's actions are slightly awkward; as Kirk suspected, he doesn't have much experience with this kind of sharing. It takes a while for him to fully relax into it, but when he does Kirk thinks it's one of the most amazing sights he's ever seen.
* * *
Spock curls against him afterwards, seemingly unwilling to let go. Kirk tightens his arms around him and smiles, wondering why he was so afraid of this.
"Hey," he says suddenly, and Spock shifts to look at him. "What exactly did you tell your parents about us?"
Spock frowns. "I told them that we share a spontaneous mindlink, due to the many times we have melded in the line of duty."
"That's it?" Kirk asks. "Nothing else?"
"No," Spock replies. "Why?"
"Because your father asked if we were planning to bond."
Spock's flustered reaction is surprisingly endearing. "I… That…" He pauses and starts again. "A link such as ours is generally considered the first step to a bond, but it does not have to be. My father seems to have jumped to conclusions."
"His conclusions weren't entirely wrong," Kirk points out wryly. He runs his fingers across Spock's hand and adds, "So, the link will make it easier to bond?"
Spock swallows and looks suddenly uncomfortable. "Not only that." He takes a breath. "It will make it difficult for me to bond with anyone else."
Kirk feels as though he's just been doused with cold water. "Is that what you want?" he manages to ask.
"No!" Spock bursts out immediately, and then adds more calmly, "I merely wished you to have all the facts. I do not wish to bond with anyone but you."
"Well, good," Kirk replies, mollified. "Because you're stuck with me."
It takes Spock a few seconds to sort through that. "You would be willing to bond with me?" he asks hesitantly.
"More than willing," Kirk replies. Warmth surges in his chest at the way Spock's face lights up, and he can't help but lean down and kiss him. "So what happens now?" he asks, when they break apart a few moments later.
Spock reaches up and carefully traces his forehead, temple, and cheek, across the meldpoints. "My next… time will occur in approximately fifteen months. If we are still linked at that time I will be drawn to you and the link will become a bond."
"It would be permanent, wouldn't it?" Kirk asks.
Spock nods. "Some bonds can be broken, but based on the strength of our link I suspect ours would not be one of them." He shifts to look at Kirk. "Does that scare you?"
Kirk considers the question. "No," he says firmly. "Losing you scares me. This doesn't."
Spock frowns. "There are things we still need to discuss."
"Like pon farr?" Kirk asks, and watches colour spread across Spock's cheeks.
"Indeed," Spock replies quietly. "I may hurt you." The like I did last time is left unvoiced.
"I don't think you will," Kirk replies. "And even if you do, it'll hurt a lot less than having to stand by while you go through it with someone else."
"What about Starfleet?" Spock asks. "Not everyone will be supportive of our union."
"One of the few benefits of the past few years," Kirk tells him with a wry smile, "Is that I now know the regulations inside out. There isn't anything in there that would prevent a relationship between us. We'll probably have to jump through a few hoops to prove it won't affect our duty to Starfleet, but there's nothing they can specifically object to." He smiles. "Besides, technically you're not my first officer just yet."
Spock smiles with his eyes. "So, we are going to bond?"
"Looks that way," Kirk replies with a smile of his own. He is going to say more, but is distracted when Spock stifles a yawn and rubs at his eyes, clearly still drained from the effects of their separation.
Looking at him, Kirk realises he is still a little tired himself. "How about we continue this after a nap?" he suggests.
"If you are tired," Spock replies. He doesn't quite manage to hide the gratitude in his voice, but Kirk pretends not to hear it. It always was easier to get Spock to take care of himself by convincing him it was for someone else's benefit, rather than his own. (Kirk is fairly sure McCoy has used the same trick on him once or twice.)
Spock shifts until his head is resting on Kirk's shoulder, and within minutes is fast asleep. Kirk smiles and settles down to sleep himself, Spock's hand curled in his own.
Next
Pairing: Kirk/Spock, mentions of canon others
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Kirk is understandably hesitant about starting a relationship with Spock; the last time he tried, Spock left him to pursue the kolinahr. But when Spock becomes ill while visiting his parents on Vulcan, Kirk decides that some things are worth the risk.
Words: ~8000/20800
The journey to Vulcan takes sixteen hours. Spock spends the time reading scientific journals, meditating, and trying not to think about Kirk. He is not particularly successful at either of the latter activities.
He begins to feel tired and unwell about halfway through the journey. His head aches, and he is unable to concentrate well enough to fully control the pain. He tries to sleep, but is plagued by strange dreams and wakes up wishing miserably that Kirk were there.
By the time they reach Vulcan, his headache has grown worse, and all he wants is to lie down in a dark room and go to sleep.
His mother is at the space-port to meet him, but her broad smile changes to a frown as she approaches. "Spock, what's wrong? Are you ill?"
"It is just a headache, Mother," he says quietly. "You should not worry so much."
"I'll worry if I want to," she retorts, but the concern in her tone is evident. "You look awful. Come on; let's get you home."
She takes his arm and propels him out of the terminal and over to an air-car near the edge of the parking lot.
Spock climbs into the passenger seat, content to let her drive. He lets his head fall back against the seat and closes his eyes, listening to his mother start the air-car and then feeling the swoop in his stomach as she pilots it into the air.
They have been flying for a few minutes when she says, "So; are you going to tell me why you decided not to go through with Kolinahr?"
Spock's eyes fly open and he winces as the light aggravates his headache. "I have told you," he says patiently. "I discovered my answers lay elsewhere."
"With your former captain," she states. She doesn't look at him, but he can see a hint of a smile on her face. Spock stares at her, speechless, for a long moment. "Oh, all right," she finally relents. "If you don't want to talk about it, I won't push you."
She glances at him, suddenly serious. "I have to say, though, I'm glad you didn't complete the ritual." She glances at him. "I've tried to be supportive, but your father and I agree it wasn't the best path for you."
Spock raises an eyebrow in surprise. "My father has always pushed me to be more Vulcan," he replies. "I assumed he approved of my decision."
His mother sighs. "Oh, Spock. He loves you just the way you are. He always has. He just isn't always very good at showing it."
He waits, but she doesn't say anything else, and after a few moments he shuts his eyes again and contemplates her words.
It isn't long before they arrive at the house, and his mother sets the air-car down in the garage. Spock climbs out and then has to steady himself against the side of the vehicle as a wave of dizziness passes over him.
"Spock?" his mother asks, and he hears her come around to his side. He opens his eyes as the dizziness begins to recede and sees her studying him with a worried look. "You're very pale," she says in concern. "I hope you're not coming down with something."
"It is unlikely, Mother," Spock replies. "It is most likely jet-lag from the journey." He stands up straight and attempts to look less ill than he feels. "I believe I will lie down for a while, if that is acceptable?"
"Of course," she says, not losing the worried look. "Your room's all ready." As Spock turns to go, she adds, "Call me if you need anything."
Spock nods. "I will do so." With that, he heads into the house and up the stairs to bed.
He falls asleep almost as soon as his head touches the pillow, but it is a restless sleep, filled with nightmares about Kirk. In some of them Kirk hates him, chooses someone else over him and scornfully tells him that he would never want someone like Spock. In others, Kirk chooses him and they are happy until disaster strikes and takes Kirk from him.
Spock wakes up from these nightmares anxious and miserable, and immediately checks the link to make sure Kirk is all right. His headache has eased slightly, but it is still there, like a tight band around his forehead. He checks the time, then mentally calculates the time difference to San Francisco, arriving at the conclusion that it is not too early to call.
Sure enough, Kirk answers almost immediately, and smiles broadly when he sees who is calling. "Spock! Got there safely then?"
"Yes, Jim," Spock replies, warmth spreading through his chest at the sight of his friend. "How are you?"
"Fine," Kirk replies. "Maybe a little tired, but otherwise I'm fine."
"You are working too hard," Spock tells him.
Kirk shrugs. "There are still people in command who aren't sure about the decision to give me the ship back. I'm trying to convince them otherwise."
"That should not be difficult," Spock tells him. "You are far and away the best person for the job."
Kirk smiles. "You're biased."
"Perhaps," Spock admits. "But I am right nonetheless."
Kirk laughs at his words. "I've missed you," he says fondly. He leans forward slightly. "So, how are your parents?"
"My mother is fine," Spock replies. "I have not seen my father yet."
"I'm sure it'll be fine," Kirk says. "He'll probably just be happy to see you."
"I am not sure ‘happy' is the word," Spock says dryly.
Kirk gives a short laugh. "Yeah, I guess not." He glances off-screen and frowns. "Sorry, Spock. I have to go." He smiles warmly, and adds, "It was good to see you, though."
"And you," Spock says with fervour.
They exchange goodbyes and Spock feels a painful sense of loss as the screen goes blank. He realises that for the last few minutes he has been almost unaware of his headache and fatigue, but they come rushing back as soon as the realisation hits him.
With a heavy sigh, he gets up and begins to unpack the few possessions he brought with him. Then he realises he is still wearing his clothes from the journey, and takes them off, setting them aside to be cleaned, before heading into the bathroom for a shower.
The sonic vibrations do not help his headache, and when he emerges from the shower he takes out a robe from the closet and decides to try meditating again.
He is not particularly successful, and is still attempting to attain the deeper levels when his mother knocks on the door. He sighs, concluding that he is not going to be successful, and rises to his feet. "Come in."
She enters his room and glances round before smiling at him. "How're you feeling?"
Spock considers the question. "My headache has diminished slightly," he says.
"That's good," she says. "Do you want something to eat?"
Spock shakes his head. "I am not hungry." He hasn't eaten anything since he left Kirk's apartment, but the constant ache in his head has taken away his appetite.
He is relieved that she doesn't argue. "Okay. Do you need anything else?"
"No," he says, adding quickly, "Thank you."
"Okay," she says again. "Get some rest. I'll tell you when your father gets home."
After she is gone, Spock looks at the meditation mat for a long moment, and then turns off the light and climbs back into bed.
* * *
He is dozing some time later when he is woken by a knock on the door. He blinks and sits up as his mother enters the room.
"Dinner's ready," she says quietly. "And your father's home."
Spock nods wearily. His headache has not improved, and his stomach is decidedly unsettled. He is not in the mood for dinner, and even less for a discussion with his father, but refusal will just lead to further questions. He takes a few deep breaths, waiting for the nausea to fade before pushing back the blankets and climbing out of bed.
His mother watches with a concerned look. "This doesn't seem like jet-lag to me," she says. "Are you sure you're feeling up to this?"
Spock nods. "You worry too much, Mother." He glances down and realises he is still wearing his meditation robe. "I will change and come downstairs in a few minutes."
"Okay," she says dubiously. "If you're sure." She turns to leave, but hesitates when she reaches the doorway. "Spock," she starts, "Are you sure there isn't anything else you want to tell me?"
Spock looks at her for a long moment, suddenly hit with a vivid memory from years ago. My mother. He strides across the room and takes hold of her hands, feeling surprise and love flow through the touch. He swallows, and reminds himself that he has already said the words once, albeit in very different circumstances. "I… I love you."
It comes out in a rush and for a moment he wonders whether she understood, but then she breaks into a beaming smile. "Oh, my love. I know that. I've always known." She squeezes his hands. "But I can't deny it feels good to hear it. I love you too."
Spock holds onto her hands for a moment longer, soaking in the love and acceptance, before letting go.
She reaches up and touches his shoulder gently, still smiling. "Go get changed. I'll be downstairs."
The door closes behind her, and Spock very nearly smiles himself. It feels good to have told her just once what she means to him.
He changes into something more formal, and heads downstairs to see his father.
He can hear his parents' voices coming from the dining room as he descends the staircase. He wonders if his mother has told his father of his earlier declaration, and if so, what his father's reaction will be, but puts it out of his mind. He does not care about his father's reaction; he does not and will not regret saying it.
Both his parents stop talking and turn to look at him as he enters the room. "Spock," his father says, and indicates the empty place to his left. "Sit down."
Spock takes his seat and notes that the plate before him is set with a simple meal of roots and vegetables. "Father," Spock says with a nod. "I hope you are well."
"I am," Sarek responds. "And you? Your mother tells me you have been feeling unwell since your arrival."
Spock glances at his mother, who looks back at him in concern. "It is nothing serious," he says. "I merely require rest." He takes a bite of his meal, trying to ignore his still unsettled stomach.
Sarek raises an eyebrow. "If you are sure," he says doubtfully, before focusing on his own meal. It is several minutes before he speaks again.
"Your mother tells me that you have rejoined Starfleet," Sarek says, as he reaches for his glass of water.
"That is correct."
Sarek takes a drink of water and sets the glass back on the table. "I admit to some curiosity as to what precipitated your decision to abandon the kolinahr," he says. "You seemed fully set on that path the last time we spoke."
Spock laces his fingers together in his lap. "I have seen what a life of pure logic would look like, and it is… sterile. Cold. I do not want that." He does not mention Kirk, or his epiphany in sickbay - those are private.
Sarek nods. "Your mother and I felt that it was not the best path for you."
Spock stares at him. "I was not aware of that," he says quietly. "I assumed you approved of my decision."
"I saw that any attempt to change your mind would be in vain," Sarek replies. "That does not mean that I agreed with your choice."
Spock bristles at his father's tone, and takes a few deep breaths to calm himself. Sarek is quiet for some time, and Spock hopes, a little illogically, that he has dropped the subject. He is half-right.
"You are aware, of course, that this decision leaves you little time to find an appropriate bondmate?" Sarek asks out of the blue, and what little food Spock has managed to consume tightens into a hard ball in his stomach.
"Yes, I am aware of that," he says quietly.
"An acquaintance of mine has an unbonded daughter a few years younger than you," Sarek continues. "I could introduce you, if you wish."
Spock shakes his head. "That will not be necessary." He has no wish to bond with anyone other than Kirk.
Both of his parents look at him with curiosity. "Have you found a bondmate already?" his mother asks.
"Perhaps," Spock replies. "I am not prepared to discuss it." His stomach lurches, and he abruptly gets to his feet. "If you will excuse me, I need to use the facilities."
He strides out of the room and maintains his dignity long enough to get out of sight before making a dash for the nearest bathroom.
A few minutes later he flushes the toilet and slumps wearily against the bathroom wall, stomach empty once more. Miserably he realises his mother is right; he is ill. He rises to his feet and is rinsing his mouth out at the sink when there is a knock on the door.
"Spock? Are you in there?" His mother's voice comes through the door. "We didn't mean to upset you."
Spock wipes his face and hands with a towel and opens the door. "I am not upset, Mother." He wavers slightly on his feet and places a hand on the doorway to steady himself. "I am, however, unwell."
She lays a hand on his arm and looks at him, frowning. "You're white as a sheet. Have you been sick?"
Spock nods tiredly and she presses a hand against his forehead, like she did when he was a child. "Well, you don't seem to have a fever," she says, voice laced with worry. "Do you still have a headache?"
He nods again.
"Hmm." She studies him for a moment more. "You look exhausted," she says, rubbing his arm soothingly. "Go to bed. Maybe you'll sleep it off."
Spock doesn't think it likely, but the prospect of rest is very appealing. "Tell Father we can continue the conversation at a later date," he says.
"Of course," she replies. "Now go get some rest."
Spock nods and obediently stumbles upstairs. He barely pauses to change into nightclothes before falling into bed and dropping into an exhausted doze.
* * *
Despite his exhaustion, Spock spends the night tossing and turning, unable to get comfortable. What little sleep he does get is fitful and filled with nightmares, and when the sun rises the next morning he feels like he has not slept at all. Giving up on the idea of sleep, he showers and dresses before heading downstairs.
He finds his mother in the kitchen making coffee. She glances up as he enters the room and smiles. "Hello, love. Are you feeling any better?"
"A little," Spock lies. If anything he feels worse.
"How's your stomach?" she asks. "Think you can manage some toast?"
Spock swallows hard against a sudden rush of nausea and shakes his head firmly. "I am not hungry."
"All right," she says. The coffee machine beeps to tell her it is finished, and she hurries over. They have a replicator, but she has always insisted that the coffee it produces doesn't taste as good as the real thing. "How about some tea?" she asks over her shoulder.
Spock considers the idea, and decides that he should drink something, if only to avoid dehydration. "Yes, thank you."
She sets a cup in front of him before sitting down opposite with her coffee. He drinks his tea slowly and listens as she describes her recent attempts to introduce Earth sunflowers to her greenhouse. His mother has always loved plants. He nods in the right places as she talks, but is otherwise content to sit and rest.
The tea helps to settle his stomach, and he feels a little better as he stands up to put his cup in the washer.
At least, he feels better until a wave of dizziness crashes over him. He grabs blindly at the table, and feels his mother guiding him back into his seat. Spock puts his head down and breathes deeply, waiting for the dizziness to pass.
"Maybe I should call a doctor," his mother says in concern. "This could be something serious."
Spock wants to argue, but his stomach lurches suddenly and he has to fight the urge to vomit. When he can speak again, all he can do is mumble, "Perhaps that would be best."
He has never been fond of doctors, but right now he would willingly endure even Doctor McCoy's barbed comments about his heritage if it would stop him feeling so utterly wretched.
His mother strokes his hair gently, worry flowing through her touch. "I'll make the call."
* * *
Spock spends the next several hours in bed, though he still isn't able to sleep or even meditate. He is studying the wall, too tired to move, when his mother walks in with a Vulcan woman about his age. Spock assumes this must be the doctor, and wearily pushes himself to a sitting position.
"I'll be downstairs if you need me," his mother says.
The doctor comes over to him as the door shuts. "Greetings, Spock," she says impassively. "My name is T'Pei. Your mother tells me you are experiencing nausea and dizzy spells?"
Spock nods. "I also have a severe headache, and am unable to sleep or to attain the higher levels of meditation."
"I see." She pulls out a medical tricorder. "I will examine you now."
T'Pei puts him through a battery of tests, all of which come up clean. At the end, she frowns very slightly and says, "There does not appear to be any physical cause for your illness." She tilts her head in thought. "Perhaps there is another cause."
Before Spock can ask what she means, she asks, "Are you bonded?"
"I share a mindlink with another, but we are not bonded," Spock replies.
She nods. "And where is your intended now?"
"On Earth," Spock replies, then adds with a hint of defiance, "He is human."
If T'Pei is surprised by his words, she doesn't show it. She merely nods and asks in the same dispassionate tone, "May I share your thoughts?"
Spock nods cautiously and closes his eyes. He feels T'Pei place her fingers carefully on his face, and then the slow merging of their minds.
All Vulcan doctors are skilled in the mind arts and T'Pei moves through his mind almost as though she were not there. However her skill does not prevent Spock from feeling a rush of anxiety as she examines the link that binds him to Kirk.
Unusually protective. Interesting. She probes lightly around the shining golden thread. This was not created by a healer.
No, Spock replies, unsure whether the words are meant as a criticism or just an observation. It formed spontaneously.
A spontaneous link with a human. Fascinating. Spock can almost feel the raised eyebrow that would normally accompany her words. I believe I have determined the source of your distress.
Spock feels her retreat from the link and cannot keep himself from feeling relief.
T'Pei carefully separates their minds and sits back. "The link that binds you and the human together is damaged. It is unable to withstand the great strain that your separation is causing."
Spock frowns. "We have been separated many times before with no problem."
"The damage appears to be recent," T'Pei responds.
Spock frowns. "I was injured during a mindmeld approximately one week ago, but I was assured there would be no permanent damage." Of course, he thinks, I was told that by a human doctor who would have no reason to consider the effect on a mindlink.
"You are fortunate that the consequences were not worse," T'Pei tells him. "I would recommend that your intended come to Vulcan as soon as possible. The consequences of prolonged separation could be dire for both of you."
Spock blinks as something occurs to him. "Do you mean he is experiencing these symptoms?" Kirk seemed fine when they last spoke, but his own symptoms were less severe back then. Spock frowns, disturbed; he does not want to be in pain, but he wants even less for Kirk to be in pain.
T'Pei spreads her hands in the Vulcan equivalent of a shrug. "I cannot say. I do not generally deal with humans. But I believe it is likely." She leans forward slightly as she adds, "The symptoms will become worse the longer the two of you spend apart."
Spock nods. "I will contact him immediately."
* * * * *
Sixteen light-years away, Kirk tosses aside the PADD he has been studying for the past twenty minutes and sighs, before folding his arms on the table in front of him and resting his head on them in exhaustion. He's barely slept at all since Spock left, and the strain is beginning to get to him.
After a few minutes he summons the energy to raise his head off his arms and rub his aching temples. With a grimace, he realises he isn't going to get any more work done in this state, and slowly stands up before making his way into his bedroom. Maybe he'll get lucky and it won't turn out like every other time he's attempted to sleep over the last couple of days.
As it happens, he doesn't get the chance to find out. He is just about to get undressed when he hears the doorbell.
He sighs heavily, then hurries across the apartment and opens the door. "Bones!" he exclaims in surprise. "What are you doing here?"
"Starfleet wanted me in San Francisco to answer some questions, and I thought I'd stop by and see you before I head back to Georgia," McCoy replies. "I tried to call, but I couldn't get through."
Kirk rubs the back of his neck. "That might be because I turned off my communicator." At McCoy's look, he adds defensively, "It was the only way I could get any work done."
"Am I interrupting you?" McCoy asks, as though the idea has only just occurred to him.
Kirk shakes his head. "No, I'm sorry. I'm just a bit on edge at the moment. Come in."
He leads McCoy into the lounge. McCoy looks around curiously as he sits down on the couch, and Kirk realises belatedly that he's never been here before. "Do you want a drink?" he asks.
"Brandy, if you've got it," McCoy replies.
Kirk nods. "I'll be back in a minute," he says, and heads into the kitchen.
"Where's Spock?" McCoy asks when Kirk returns to the lounge with two glasses of brandy. "I thought he was staying with you."
"He's visiting his parents on Vulcan," Kirk replies. "He actually asked me to go with him, but I have too much work to do." He hands McCoy one of the glasses before sitting down in the armchair opposite and taking a sip from his glass.
"Are you sure you're not working too hard?" McCoy asks, before taking a sip of his own glass.
"No," Kirk replies. "Why?" He leans forward to put his glass on the coffee table, and grimaces as his headache increases. He sits back and rubs at his temples again.
"You alright?"
McCoy leans towards him and Kirk waves a hand dismissively. "Yeah; just a headache. I didn't sleep well last night."
McCoy opens his mouth, but closes it again at Kirk's look of annoyance. "How long will Spock be gone for?" he asks instead.
Kirk shrugs and picks up his glass again. "A few days."
McCoy nods and takes a sip of his drink. "Have you two talked any more about your situation?"
Kirk shakes his head. "We haven't had a lot of time together." He gives a half-smile. "He's definitely trying; sometimes it's almost like we used to be. But there's always this voice inside asking, 'What if?'" He curls his hands around the glass tightly. "I want to trust him again, but I just… can't." His chest aches in sympathy with his head and he takes a few deep breaths.
"You know," McCoy says slowly. "I'm not sure this is totally about Spock."
Kirk stares at him. "What are you getting at, Bones?"
McCoy shrugs. "You don't exactly have the best romantic history." Kirk glares at him, but he continues on regardless. "People you love tend to die, or leave, or try to kill you…. Eventually it becomes easier not to let people get close to you."
Kirk frowns. "I thought you'd be happy that I wasn't just rushing into this blindly." God knows I've suffered enough lectures about that over the years.
"I would be, if you weren't working yourself to exhaustion in an attempt to avoid the situation."
"I have a lot to do," Kirk responds immediately. "It's not about that."
"Really," McCoy says sceptically. "None of the work you've been doing could be passed over to someone else?" He leans forward and continues speaking before Kirk can respond. "The way I see it, you got used to working God-knows-how-many hours a day over the past few years, because you didn't have anyone to go home to. And you're keeping to that schedule now because Spock's too soft-hearted to stop you, and you're too scared to let him."
"Spock understands how important this is," Kirk replies with annoyance.
"Does he?" McCoy asks, raising his eyebrows. "Or is he just going along with it to make you happy?"
The thought gives Kirk pause, which just makes him more annoyed. "You know," he says tightly, "I don't recall asking for your advice."
McCoy looks taken aback at his tone. "I'm just trying to help."
"Well, don't," Kirk snaps. "It's none of your business." His headache is getting worse, and he rubs the bridge of his nose, trying to ease it. "Look," he continues more calmly. "I'm not really in the mood for company right now. Maybe it'd be better if you left."
"Fine," McCoy replies stiffly. "I will."
He pauses on the way out and says quietly, "You can rationalise it all you want, Jim, but the bottom line is that Spock loves you, and you love him, and you're in danger of letting that slip away because you're scared."
With that he turns and leaves.
Kirk glares resentfully at the closed door as he drains his glass. How dare he? Acting like I'm avoiding Spock; that's a ridiculous idea. Spock understands how important this is to me.
But as his anger ebbs, doubt begins to set in. He remembers turning down Spock's invitation to Vulcan; the flicker of emotion in Spock's eyes at his refusal. It wasn't that I didn't want to go, he thinks, but I couldn't.
Really? asks a little voice in his head that sounds annoyingly like McCoy.
Kirk runs his mind back over the past week or so and sighs. He has a lot of thinking to do.
* * *
Kirk awakens from a nightmare with his heart pounding, and it takes him a few seconds to remember where he is. When he has calmed down a little, he realises he must have fallen asleep in his chair. He sits up, rubbing his eyes, and tries to remember the details of the nightmare, but all he can remember is the sense of loss and despair.
He sighs as his gaze falls on the two glasses from earlier, and makes a mental note to apologise to McCoy. I was a little hard on him, he thinks guiltily. And, if I'm honest, he wasn't totally wrong.
He picks up the glasses and heads into the kitchen. His headache is as strong as ever, and his next job after depositing the glasses in the sink is to down a couple of painkillers. Then he wanders back into the lounge and remembers that his communicator is still off. He switches it on and checks his messages. The most recent one is from Spock.
Frowning, he opens it. The message is very short.
Jim, I need to speak with you urgently. Please call me as soon as you get this message. Spock.
The message is about twenty minutes old. Intrigued, Kirk immediately opens a channel, and within minutes, Spock's face appears on the screen. He does not look well; his skin is worryingly pale and there are dark shadows under his eyes. "What happened to you?" Kirk asks in concern.
"The same thing that may be happening to you," Spock replies. "Are you experiencing headaches, nausea, disturbed sleep, or anything of that nature?"
Kirk blinks in surprise. "Yes..." he replies cautiously. "Why?"
Spock doesn't answer his question, instead asking, "Did these symptoms begin when I left?"
Kirk thinks back and frowns. "You know, I think you're right. What's going on?"
Spock shifts uncomfortably. "It seems that our connection has been adversely affected by my mindmeld with V'Ger. It cannot bear the strain of our separation."
"So you're coming back?" Kirk asks. He takes in the exhaustion on Spock's face and the misery in his eyes, and frowns. "Or do I have to come there?"
"That would be easier," Spock says quietly. "But I understand if you cannot leave your work."
Kirk's heart aches at his words. Oh, Spock. "You're more important to me than work," he says firmly. "I'll be there as soon as I can." I should have come with you in the first place, he thinks, but doesn't say it.
The look Spock gives him is filled with gratitude and affection. "Thank you."
Maybe Bones is right, Kirk thinks as they exchange goodbyes. Maybe I should give this a chance.
He cuts the connection and begins looking up flights to Vulcan. The earliest is tomorrow morning. He books a seat and sends Spock a message giving his time of arrival, then turns off the computer and wanders into his bedroom to pack.
When he is finished, he dumps his bag by the door before contacting Nogura and telling him that he'll be off-planet for a few days, but that he can be contacted by communicator if necessary. His superior isn't happy about it, but when Kirk points out that this is the first time he's taken time off in over a year, Nogura can't really say no.
That done, Kirk decides his next task is to apologise to McCoy. He taps in the code on the computer and waits patiently for the response.
McCoy doesn't look happy to see him. "What do you want?" he asks impatiently. "I'm busy."
Kirk has his doubts about that, but doesn't argue. "I wanted to apologise for earlier." He shrugs. "I still don't appreciate you interfering in my decisions, but I know you were trying to help, and I'm sorry for snapping at you."
McCoy's expression changes from annoyed to conciliatory at his words. "In that case, I'm sorry for pushing you," he replies. "You were right; it's none of my business."
Kirk smiles briefly. "And I thought you might be interested to know that I'm going to Vulcan."
He outlines his conversation with Spock, and McCoy gives him a look. "Didn't I warn you about the dangers of letting people rifle through your brain like that?"
"If the link hadn't saved my life several times, I'd agree with you," Kirk replies.
"Wait a minute," McCoy says suddenly, brow furrowing. "Didn't you say Spock was staying with his parents?"
Kirk nods.
McCoy grins. "Well, this should be interesting." Kirk glares at him and he sobers. "Oh, relax. I'm sure it'll be fine."
"That's easy for you to say," Kirk mutters darkly. He sighs, and changes the subject. "How's Joanna?"
They talk for a while longer, and then McCoy has to sign off. "I hope it works out for you," he says as they exchange goodbyes, and Kirk nods.
He tries to sleep, but after waking from nightmares three times in a row, he gives up and spends the night sorting out what out of his to-do pile can be passed off to other people. To his surprise, quite a bit of what he has thought of as ‘his' work can easily be delegated. He divides the tasks up evenly, then sends messages to his staff informing them of their assigned duties, and ending with the news that he is taking some time off and would prefer not to be contacted, but that they can reach him on his communicator if anything urgent comes up.
By the time the sun rises in the morning, he is at least a week ahead on his paperwork, and feeling quite accomplished. He turns off the computer and rubs his eyes, then stands and stretches his aching muscles before heading for the shower.
The hot water feels wonderful on his skin, helping to ease his aches and pains. He switches to cold right at the very end to wake himself up and steps out of the shower feeling invigorated.
He dresses quickly, and ten minutes later is putting the final items into his travelling bag. He doesn't have to be at the spaceport for another hour, but he'd rather get there early than risk arriving too late. His head throbs at him as if to remind him of the consequences should he miss his flight.
He makes a final circuit of the apartment and then, when he is satisfied that he has everything he needs and everything else is in order, leaves and locks the door firmly behind him.
* * *
The journey to Vulcan is not pleasant. The noise around him aggravates his headache - and painkillers don't seem to help - and the smell of food makes his stomach turn. He wants to go to sleep, but doesn't want to risk having a nightmare in front of strangers, especially when several of them are Vulcans.
By the time they land he is utterly exhausted and has to drag himself out of his seat and into the terminal. He is trying to figure out where he would be able to get a taxi when he recognises one of the faces at the arrival gate.
Sarek stands impassively as Kirk approaches. "Admiral Kirk," he says. "Spock told me you would be coming."
"Ambassador," Kirk replies with a nod, then hurries to catch up as, without a word, Sarek turns and heads towards the exit.
"How's Spock?" he asks as they walk.
Sarek glances at him. "He is very ill. We must return home as soon as possible."
The heat that hits Kirk as they step out of the terminal makes him gasp. He'd almost forgotten what it's like on Vulcan. He follows Sarek through the parking lot and climbs into a thankfully air-conditioned air-car.
Sarek doesn't talk much during the journey back to his house, and Kirk is on the brink of dozing off when he asks abruptly, "What is your relationship with my son?"
Kirk jolts awake immediately, shoving aside a mental image of McCoy grinning at him. He clears his throat and says, "With respect, sir, that's between him and me."
There is silence for long enough that he hopes Sarek has decided to drop the subject, before the Vulcan asks, "Do you intend to bond with him?"
Kirk takes a deep breath and manages not to rub his forehead in exasperation. "We haven't discussed it," he says, unsure how to deal with this conversation. The last time he was grilled by the parents of a romantic partner, he was seventeen and they were actually dating. This is a whole different ball game.
"Perhaps you should," Sarek replies, and goes back to focusing on the controls while Kirk tries to figure out whether that's meant to be a threat or an encouragement.
They reach the house before he's worked up the courage to ask. Amanda appears as they land in the garage. Kirk climbs out of the car and she makes a beeline for him. "Admiral Kirk," she says warmly. "I'm glad you're here."
Kirk nods, barely listening. Now that he's this close he can feel the pull of their connection. He pushes past Amanda and hurries into the house. His feet carry him up the stairs and into the second room on the right.
Spock is curled on the bed, clearly in pain. Kirk's chest aches at the sight, and he walks over and crouches down next to him. At this distance Spock looks even worse; the only colour in his face is in the shadows under his eyes. He is breathing shallowly, and seems to be either asleep or unconscious.
Kirk reaches out and gently touches his cheek, but Spock doesn't stir. Frustration bubbles within Kirk. Tell me what to do; I don't know what to do! he thinks desperately.
"He will need physical contact."
Kirk turns to see Sarek standing in the doorway, holding his bag. "He should begin to improve now that the two of you are no longer separated," Sarek continues, "but physical contact will speed the process." He glances at Spock and Kirk swears he sees emotion cross his face for a brief second. It is gone almost instantly, however, and Sarek adds dispassionately, "I will give you some privacy." He places the bag down and leaves.
As the door closes, Kirk considers the information he has just been given. Right; physical contact. He stands up, walks round to the other side of the bed and sits down to pull off his boots before lying down next to Spock. He reaches over and pulls the other man into his arms. "I'm sorry," he murmurs into Spock's hair. "I'm here now."
He can feel the stress and pain begin to drain out of him, and closes his eyes, trying to project warmth, and strength, and love. But the bed is soft, and the room is warm, and he is very tired, and before he knows it he has fallen asleep.
* * *
Kirk wakes up some time later to Spock shifting restlessly and muttering in his sleep. Kirk tightens his hold and tries to project calm to counteract the anxiety he is picking up through their connection. It doesn't seem to help, though, as Spock awakens with a gasp and Kirk can feel him trembling as he shifts in his arms.
Spock looks up at Kirk's face and starts to calm as recognition dawns. He reaches up to touch Kirk's cheek and says quietly, "Jim."
"Hey," Kirk replies. "Nightmare?"
Spock shudders. "Yes."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"No." Spock pulls away slightly until they are lying face to face, barely touching. "How are you feeling?" he asks.
Kirk frowns. "Shouldn't I be the one asking that? You were almost catatonic when I got here." His stomach twists at the memory.
Spock is still staring at him, so he adds, "I'm fine, Spock." He reaches out and touches Spock's arm. "What about you? And don't lie," he adds quickly.
Spock closes his eyes briefly. "I am… better."
Kirk rubs the arm under his hand gently. "Do you need anything?"
"No," Spock says, with a shake of his head. "Just… you."
"You have me." He brings Spock's hand to his face. "Do you need…?"
Spock spreads his fingers across Kirk's cheek, but then moves his hand away. "I would rather not," he says quietly. "My control is not at its best, and I cannot risk hurting you." Something that Kirk can't identify flashes in his eyes before he glances away. "The link will heal on its own providing we stay relatively close to one another."
"For how long?" Kirk asks.
"I am unsure," Spock admits. "A few days at least. I'm… sorry for the inconvenience."
"I thought I told you to stop apologising," Kirk tells him. "I'm just glad you're okay."
Very gently, he reaches out and runs his fingers across Spock's cheek. "I love you," he says softly. "I'm not sure I ever stopped."
"Jim…" Spock starts, but Kirk cuts him off.
"No, let me finish." He sits up and brings his knees up to his chest before wrapping his arms around them. "I've lost a lot of people in my life; gotten pretty used to dealing with it. But I remember how it felt when I lost you and I was… scared. I thought if I kept you at arm's length it wouldn't hurt as much, but it just ended up hurting differently." He takes a deep breath and adds, "I don't want to be afraid anymore."
Spock touches his shoulder. "Jim."
Kirk turns to look at him.
"I cannot promise that we will never be parted," Spock says quietly. "But you have my word that if it is in my power to stay, I will not leave you."
"I believe you," Kirk says, realising to his surprise that it's true. Deep inside, a part of him that has been broken for far too long starts to heal.
Very gently, he leans forward and brushes his lips against Spock's. When he pulls away, Spock moves with him and kisses him back. The kiss rapidly becomes heated, and he reaches up to grip Spock's shoulders. Spock's hands skim down his sides and under his shirt and Kirk slides his own hands around to Spock's back, pulling them closer together.
Reason comes back to him as Spock begins to tug at the hem of his shirt. He pulls back and presses his hands gently against Spock's chest as the other man tries to move closer again. "Just… wait a second," he says quietly. "Are you sure we should be doing this?"
Spock looks stricken. "I apologise. I assumed this was what you wanted." He shifts back, away from Kirk, and adds, "I didn't mean to rush you."
Kirk shakes his head. "I should've known you'd get the wrong end of the stick," he says ruefully, and reaches out to pull Spock closer. "Look," he says, running his fingers through Spock's hair, "I can't think of anything I'd rather do right now than make love with you, but I want it to be something we both enjoy. And if that means waiting until you're feeling better, then so be it."
"I am feeling better now," Spock replies immediately.
"Are you sure?" Kirk asks. "You still look exhausted."
Spock nods. "I want to be with you, in all ways." His fingers return to the hem of Kirk's shirt as if to make his point.
Kirk studies him for a long moment. "All right; if you're certain. But just… just tell me if it gets too much."
Spock nods again.
Kirk smiles and leans in to kiss him. "In that case, where were we?"
* * *
They explore each other slowly, learning what works and what doesn't. Spock's actions are slightly awkward; as Kirk suspected, he doesn't have much experience with this kind of sharing. It takes a while for him to fully relax into it, but when he does Kirk thinks it's one of the most amazing sights he's ever seen.
* * *
Spock curls against him afterwards, seemingly unwilling to let go. Kirk tightens his arms around him and smiles, wondering why he was so afraid of this.
"Hey," he says suddenly, and Spock shifts to look at him. "What exactly did you tell your parents about us?"
Spock frowns. "I told them that we share a spontaneous mindlink, due to the many times we have melded in the line of duty."
"That's it?" Kirk asks. "Nothing else?"
"No," Spock replies. "Why?"
"Because your father asked if we were planning to bond."
Spock's flustered reaction is surprisingly endearing. "I… That…" He pauses and starts again. "A link such as ours is generally considered the first step to a bond, but it does not have to be. My father seems to have jumped to conclusions."
"His conclusions weren't entirely wrong," Kirk points out wryly. He runs his fingers across Spock's hand and adds, "So, the link will make it easier to bond?"
Spock swallows and looks suddenly uncomfortable. "Not only that." He takes a breath. "It will make it difficult for me to bond with anyone else."
Kirk feels as though he's just been doused with cold water. "Is that what you want?" he manages to ask.
"No!" Spock bursts out immediately, and then adds more calmly, "I merely wished you to have all the facts. I do not wish to bond with anyone but you."
"Well, good," Kirk replies, mollified. "Because you're stuck with me."
It takes Spock a few seconds to sort through that. "You would be willing to bond with me?" he asks hesitantly.
"More than willing," Kirk replies. Warmth surges in his chest at the way Spock's face lights up, and he can't help but lean down and kiss him. "So what happens now?" he asks, when they break apart a few moments later.
Spock reaches up and carefully traces his forehead, temple, and cheek, across the meldpoints. "My next… time will occur in approximately fifteen months. If we are still linked at that time I will be drawn to you and the link will become a bond."
"It would be permanent, wouldn't it?" Kirk asks.
Spock nods. "Some bonds can be broken, but based on the strength of our link I suspect ours would not be one of them." He shifts to look at Kirk. "Does that scare you?"
Kirk considers the question. "No," he says firmly. "Losing you scares me. This doesn't."
Spock frowns. "There are things we still need to discuss."
"Like pon farr?" Kirk asks, and watches colour spread across Spock's cheeks.
"Indeed," Spock replies quietly. "I may hurt you." The like I did last time is left unvoiced.
"I don't think you will," Kirk replies. "And even if you do, it'll hurt a lot less than having to stand by while you go through it with someone else."
"What about Starfleet?" Spock asks. "Not everyone will be supportive of our union."
"One of the few benefits of the past few years," Kirk tells him with a wry smile, "Is that I now know the regulations inside out. There isn't anything in there that would prevent a relationship between us. We'll probably have to jump through a few hoops to prove it won't affect our duty to Starfleet, but there's nothing they can specifically object to." He smiles. "Besides, technically you're not my first officer just yet."
Spock smiles with his eyes. "So, we are going to bond?"
"Looks that way," Kirk replies with a smile of his own. He is going to say more, but is distracted when Spock stifles a yawn and rubs at his eyes, clearly still drained from the effects of their separation.
Looking at him, Kirk realises he is still a little tired himself. "How about we continue this after a nap?" he suggests.
"If you are tired," Spock replies. He doesn't quite manage to hide the gratitude in his voice, but Kirk pretends not to hear it. It always was easier to get Spock to take care of himself by convincing him it was for someone else's benefit, rather than his own. (Kirk is fairly sure McCoy has used the same trick on him once or twice.)
Spock shifts until his head is resting on Kirk's shoulder, and within minutes is fast asleep. Kirk smiles and settles down to sleep himself, Spock's hand curled in his own.
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