Incompatible
Fandom: Star Trek Reboot
Pairing: Kirk/Spock
Rating: PG
Summary: The first time Kirk and Spock attempt to meld, Kirk winds up in pain. And the second time. And the third. Eventually he starts to wonder if they're really meant to be.
Words: ~5000
Notes: Kind of a twist on the old cliché - what if Kirk and Spock's minds weren't compatible? Thanks to verizonhorizon for the beta and encouragement.
They've been together for four months when Spock first attempts to meld with him.
It's the day after a less than optimal mission - one where they both came far too close to being killed - and Kirk figures this is Spock's way of trying to seize the day. He sits on the edge of the bed and feels his heart speed up a little in anticipation as Spock approaches. He's been curious about this for months now, since before they even got together, but Spock has insisted it is not something to be taken lightly.
Still, he feels a sense of warmth as Spock places his fingers on his face, and feels the hair on the back of his neck stand on end. He closes his eyes as Spock murmurs, "My mind to your mind."
Right away it's nothing like melding with the elder Spock. That was strange and not entirely pleasant, but it wasn't like this. This feels like forcing something in where it doesn't belong, and pain spikes through his head.
He jerks away from Spock's hand and nearly overbalances before managing to steady himself against the wall. "What the hell was that?!" he demands, waving a hand wildly.
Spock actually looks hurt. "You pulled away," he says quietly.
The look on his face is enough to quash most of Kirk's irritation. "I didn't mean to," he replies more calmly, "but it hurt. You never said it would hurt."
Spock frowns. "It isn't meant to hurt. I am not sure what happened." He reaches out to touch Kirk's arm. "Are you still in pain?"
"No," Kirk replies. "It stopped when I broke the connection." He takes a breath and forces a smile. "Let's try it again. Maybe it'll be different this time."
"You are certain?" Spock asks, studying his face.
"Sure, why not?" Kirk says with a shrug, trying to seem more confident than he is. He knows enough about Vulcans to realise how big a deal this whole melding thing is, and he's not about to give up at the first hurdle.
Spock hesitates for a few seconds, but eventually moves forward and replaces his fingers on Kirk's face. Kirk makes every effort to relax and let down all his barriers as Spock repeats the words he used before.
This time it doesn't hurt as much, but it still feels utterly wrong. It's like having an itch he can't scratch, unpleasant and irritating, and Kirk finds himself having to use almost all of his concentration to keep from pulling away again.
Try to relax, Jim, he hears.
I am trying, he sends back in frustration. It's hard. Everything in him is straining against the intrusive force in his mind. He feels Spock begin to withdraw, and the overwhelming relief he feels is a little worrying.
When they are fully separated, Spock lets his hand drop from Kirk's face. His expression is one of complete and utter neutrality, and Kirk recognises that look - it's the one Spock wears when he's dealing with immense emotion and trying not to show it.
"It isn't meant to be like that, is it?" Kirk asks quietly. He was so looking forward to sharing this with Spock, and from the looks of it Spock felt the same way. And now it's all gone wrong and Kirk doesn't even know why.
Spock shakes his head slowly. "No." He pauses, and adds tonelessly, "I do not understand."
He looks so hopeless that Kirk can't help but reach out. "I'm sure it'll be fine. Maybe we just need some more practice; I mean this is the first time you've done this, right?"
"This is the first time I have melded with a human," Spock agrees neutrally.
"Right, so next time it'll be better," Kirk says, unsure which of them he's trying to convince. It's just a minor setback, he tells himself firmly. It doesn't mean anything. Their first time having sex didn't exactly go according to plan, and that turned out okay.
Unfortunately their efforts have left him with a headache, and he rubs absently at his forehead as he thinks. He blinks as Spock reaches up and begins to gently massage his temples. "You are in pain," Spock says quietly. "Allow me to assist you."
"I'm fine," Kirk responds, but doesn't try to stop him. He feels his headache begin to recede under Spock's touch and closes his eyes, telling himself that they'll make it through this like they have everything else that life has thrown at them. Everything is going to be fine.
* * *
They attempt to meld several more times over the next few weeks, and Kirk thinks they're getting better at it. Spock can by now maintain contact for several minutes without either of them pulling away, and there are moments when it's almost pleasant. He still comes out of the melds with a headache, but he's willing to consider it a worthwhile sacrifice. He isn't going to let a little pain keep him from becoming closer to Spock.
So when Spock suggests attempting a deeper meld one night, he barely hesitates. He uses the relaxation techniques that Spock has taught him to keep himself calm as the Vulcan enters his mind, and concentrates on his breathing as Spock slowly deepens the connection.
At first it seems to be going well, and he inwardly rejoices. Spock's mind opens up to him, all warmth and colour, and for a long moment it's utterly incredible. But it starts to feel too warm and too bright, and then it begins to hurt, worse than ever before.
Jim? Spock asks, clearly worried.
Kirk fights the urge to curl up in a ball and does the next best thing; runs. I can't do this. I'm sorry. He pulls away as hard as he can and succeeds in breaking the connection between them.
He only has a moment of relief before the head-splitting pain hits him and he realises with horror that he is about to throw up. He rolls off the bed and stumbles into the bathroom, dropping to his knees before the toilet just in time to be violently ill.
When his stomach finally stops trying to turn itself inside out, he rests his aching head against the toilet rim and closes his eyes. "Lights to twenty percent," he orders quietly. The words come out more exhausted than commanding, but the computer recognises the instruction and dims the lights. Kirk sighs as the pain in his head drops to a dull roar. So much for it getting better, he thinks miserably.
"Jim?"
Kirk manages to open his eyes and turn his head enough to see Spock kneeling beside him. "Not so loud," he mumbles.
Spock looks concerned and a little apologetic. "I apologise for your discomfort. If I'd known this would happen...."
Kirk manages a half-smile. "I know. It's okay." If there's one thing he's certain of, it's that Spock would never intentionally hurt him like this.
Spock goes to the sink and returns with a glass of water. "You should drink this," he says. "Do you want me to call Doctor McCoy?"
"No," Kirk replies as he reaches out to take the glass. "I'll be fine." The last thing he wants is for McCoy to get involved in all of this. He leans against the wall and closes his eyes before lifting the glass to his mouth. He isn't sure how his stomach will handle it, so takes small sips at first. The water thankfully stays down and he starts to feel a little better.
He feels Spock sit down next to him and wrap an arm around his back. Kirk leans against him gratefully, resting his head on Spock's shoulder. "I thought it'd get better," he admits.
"As did I," Spock replies quietly. "But it appears we were wrong."
Something in Kirk's chest aches at the words, at the injustice of it all. Everything in him says that they should just... fit together, and they don't. He shifts closer to Spock, taking what comfort he can from the contact, and feels Spock's arm tighten around him in response.
"Has your stomach settled?" Spock asks after a short silence.
Kirk considers it. "Yeah, I think so." His head still aches horribly, but most of the nausea has passed.
"Then it would be best if you attempted to rest."
Kirk raises his head from Spock's shoulder and sets his half-finished glass of water aside, then pushes Spock away when he tries to help him stand up. "It's a headache," he says with annoyance. "Pretty sure I can still walk." Spock raises an eyebrow and moves away.
Unfortunately when Kirk attempts to stand a wave of pain and dizziness crashes over him, forcing him to sit down again. He curses under his breath as he waits for the dizziness to fade, and is grateful when Spock doesn't say ‘I told you so', but instead offers his help a second time. This time Kirk takes the offer.
Spock takes most of his weight as they cross the room and only lets go once Kirk is safely lying down on the bed. Kirk closes his eyes as he curls into a ball and tries to move as little as possible. "Wasn't supposed to be like this," he mumbles, and feels Spock pull the covers up around him.
"I know," Spock replies softly, and Kirk drifts off to sleep.
* * *
Kirk's headache is gone by the time he wakes up, but it's days before he can keep from flinching whenever Spock touches his face, and he doesn't miss the self-reproach that shows in Spock's eyes every time it happens. It doesn't matter how many times he insists it isn't Spock's fault; his partner seems determined to blame himself.
And it really doesn't help when Uhura discovers him researching mindmelds and bonding and immediately gets the wrong end of the stick. He knows she's trying to be supportive, but her impassioned speech about how special and important the meld is, and how lucky he is that Spock is choosing to share it with him, is the last thing he needs.
He doesn't realise how badly the situation has shaken him until he spaces out during a conversation with McCoy and, when the other man asks in frustration, "What the hell's gotten into you lately?" finds himself blurting out the whole story.
When McCoy's response is to drag him down to sickbay and run an examination while muttering under his breath about what he's going to do to Spock the next time he sees him, Kirk remembers why he didn't tell his friend about this in the first place.
"It isn't his fault," Kirk protests as McCoy scans him with a tricorder. "He didn't know it'd affect me like that."
"Well, he should have," McCoy retorts. "You told me he knew from the first that something was wrong."
"Yeah, but we thought it was just because he'd never melded with a human before."
"And you volunteered yourself as a test subject." McCoy shakes his head and sighs. "Can't say I'm surprised."
Kirk leans forward, trying to get a glimpse of the tricorder readings. "So? Am I going to live?" he jokes, but it comes out a little flat.
McCoy frowns. "Everything seems fine, but tell me if you get any more headaches." He puts the tricorder aside and says firmly, "And you can tell your pointy-eared boyfriend that the next time he melds with you he damn well better be in the presence of a healer."
Kirk feels a little weight lift off him at that; it'll be months before they can consult a healer. "Thanks, Bones," he says, pushing himself off the bed.
"Tell Spock I want to see him in here whenever he gets a minute," McCoy says as Kirk turns to leave. "And Jim?"
Kirk turns back. "Yeah?"
"Try not to let this screw up your whole relationship." He shakes his head and adds, "I can't believe I'm saying this, but you and Spock are actually good for each other."
Kirk nods and smiles. "Thanks."
He feels a lot better as he leaves sickbay, and starts planning a whole bunch of activities for him and Spock to do that in no way involve melding. They have a lot of time to make up.
* * *
Their decision to refrain from melding until they can consult with a healer takes the strain off of Kirk, and their relationship quickly goes back to how it was before they started their little experiment. By the time they are called to New Vulcan a few months later, the pain and discomfort of their last meld is nothing more than a memory.
The anxiety that coils in Kirk's stomach when Spock suggests they take the opportunity to visit a healer is familiar, however, and he feels guilty when he realises he's been hoping that Spock would just forget the whole melding idea.
He agrees to the visit, of course, but he isn't looking forward to it, and as they stop in front of a plain glass building that is labelled in both Vulcan and Standard as a healer's office he has to fight to stay calm. He doesn't want any more people messing around in his head.
He follows Spock inside and hovers in the middle of the foyer as Spock signs them in on the computer. He takes a few deep breaths and tries to relax. You're a starship captain, for God's sake. You've faced things worse than this.
Spock finishes with the computer and returns to his side. He touches Kirk's elbow gently as he says, "We are in room 108."
Kirk swallows. "Okay." His apprehension must be showing because Spock frowns slightly and offers him two fingers.
When he completes the gesture, Spock says quietly, "Would you rather we left?"
Yes, Kirk thinks immediately, but the concern in Spock's voice reminds him why he's doing this, and he can't be selfish. "No," he says. "I'm fine."
Spock studies his face for a few seconds, still frowning, before seeming to give in. "It is this way," he says, and sets off towards a set of doors on Kirk's right. Kirk follows.
Of course Vulcan buildings are set out perfectly logically, and it only takes them a minute or two to locate room 108. The door is open, and there is a plaque beside it that labels the room as the office of Healer T'Mar.
Kirk looks through the doorway to see a Vulcan woman working at a desk. She's younger than he expected - in fact she doesn't seem much older than him or Spock. Then again, he isn't exactly an expert at determining Vulcan ages; for all he knows she's actually seventy.
At that moment she looks up and sees them. Her expression stays utterly neutral but she beckons them in. "Commander Spock, I presume," she says, and then allows her gaze to drift over to Kirk. "And Captain Kirk."
Spock gives her the Vulcan salute. "Healer T'Mar."
With effort, Kirk manages a passable Vulcan salute himself. He swears that T'Mar's eyebrow twitches, but he has no way of knowing whether that's a good or bad thing.
She gestures to the chairs in front of her desk. "Sit down, and we shall discuss what brings you here."
Kirk sits down with as much grace and dignity as he can muster - he is not about to make a fool of himself in front of this woman. He's mildly surprised when Spock reaches out and squeezes his fingers once before withdrawing his hand, and has to fight not to let his emotions show.
T'Mar clasps her hands together on top of the desk as she looks at them. "I understand you are having difficulty sustaining a mindmeld?"
Spock nods. "That is correct. My attempts have in fact caused Jim physical pain."
"Indeed." T'Mar raises an eyebrow. "You are aware that by forming a relationship with a human you are already at a disadvantage in this area? Human minds are not accustomed to the intensity of the meld."
Kirk tenses. It seems to be more a statement of fact than an insult, but he can't help feeling like she's blaming him.
"I do not believe that is the problem," Spock says, his tone carefully expressionless.
"We shall see," T'Mar responds dispassionately. "First we shall test your technique." She stands up and walks over to sit on a bench at the side of the room. "Spock, I would like you to perform a mindmeld on me."
Spock raises his eyebrows, but he obediently stands up and crosses the room to sit beside her. Kirk feels an odd swell of jealousy in his stomach as Spock places his fingers on her face - he might not be ecstatic at the idea of melding with Spock, but it still doesn't feel right to see someone else do it.
They come out of it after a minute or two, and T'Mar nods as Spock removes his hand. "Acceptable." She turns to look at Kirk. "The next step is for me to touch your mind, Captain."
Kirk swallows as he stands up and walks over to her. Spock stands up as he approaches and allows him to sit down beside her. Kirk tenses involuntarily as T'Mar arranges her fingers on his face, and braces himself for the pain.
It doesn't come. The meld isn't amazing or anything - it's a little boring, in fact - but there's no pain, and no sense of trying to force something in where it doesn't belong. T'Mar's mind carefully brushes against his and then withdraws.
Kirk opens his eyes and can't remember when he closed them. "Is that how it's supposed to be?" he asks, the words slipping out before he can stop them.
T'Mar shakes her head briskly. "That was a diagnostic meld. The sharing between bondmates is much more intimate." She glances up at Spock. "I do not see any reason why the two of you should be unable to meld. Perhaps if I touched both of your minds at once?"
Instead of sitting down on the bench, Spock kneels in front of it. Now he knows what to expect, Kirk isn't as nervous about the meld. He closes his eyes as T'Mar once more arranges her fingers on his face.
It's different this time, just a vague impression of someone else at the edges of his mind. He feels Spock place his fingers on the other side of his face, and their eyes meet once before Spock presses into his mind.
Just like last time, there's a brief moment of warmth and tranquillity before the pain hits and he jerks away. T'Mar abruptly ends the meld and Kirk doubles over, taking deep breaths and trying not to throw up. He feels a sudden pressure against his arm, and glances up to see T'Mar replacing a hypospray in a medical kit.
Within moments the pain and nausea begin to fade, and he slowly sits up. Spock is hovering anxiously at his side, and Kirk glances up to meet his eyes. "I'm okay," he reassures him, before turning back to T'Mar. "Do you know what's wrong?"
She finishes storing the medical kit and glances between them. "It appears your minds are not compatible."
"What does that mean?" Kirk asks. It's obviously not good news, and his heart speeds up.
Spock reaches out and touches his shoulder. "It means our relationship will be more complicated than usual, that is all," he says gently.
T'Mar doesn't seem to agree with his assessment, if the level of her left eyebrow is any indication. "It is unlikely that the two of you will be able to form a bond," she tells them bluntly. "I would not recommend proceeding with the relationship."
Kirk feels as though he's been punched in the stomach, and it takes him a few seconds to remember how to breathe. He stands up, pushing aside Spock's hands when he tries to help, and mutters, "I need to be alone."
He turns and rushes out of the room, ignoring Spock calling his name. He can't deal with this right now; he needs to think.
He makes it outside without Spock catching up to him, and wonders bitterly if Spock is busy commiserating with T'Mar about overly emotional humans. He pulls out his communicator and gives the order for beam-up, and within seconds is materialising on the transporter platform. At that point it occurs to him that he has no idea what to do now. His quarters and the bridge are the first places Spock'll look for him, and he really doesn't want to have that conversation right now.
There is one place he can go, though, and he swiftly makes his way to McCoy's quarters. He knows for a fact McCoy won't be taking shore leave on New Vulcan; he's been complaining about the idea for the past week.
Sure enough, the door slides open almost as soon as Kirk buzzes for entry, and he enters to find McCoy sitting on his bed watching a vid. He pauses it when he catches sight of Kirk and frowns as he looks him up and down. "You look like hell," he says. "What happened?"
Kirk flops down beside him. "Spock dragged me to a Vulcan healer."
McCoy grimaces. "Sounds like fun." Kirk shrugs and McCoy bumps his shoulder gently as he adds, "Do I need to kick his ass?"
Kirk gives a huff of laughter. "No, it's not like that. It's not him, it's just...." He takes a deep breath before continuing, "Remember I told you we were having trouble melding?"
"Yeah?"
Kirk rubs his hands over his face. "Well, it's not a temporary thing. Our minds aren't compatible." He pretends the words don't mean anything; it's easier to talk about it that way. "Which means that we'll never be able to meld, and we probably won't be able to bond." He's surprised at how much it hurts when just hours ago he was thinking that it wouldn't be so bad if they never melded again. Somehow hearing out loud that they can't has put the whole thing in perspective.
McCoy is silent for a moment. "What does Spock think about that?"
"I don't know," Kirk admits. "I left before he could say anything." He looks at McCoy miserably. "She told him it would be logical to break up with me."
"You can't think he'd actually consider it?" Kirk finds his hope lifting a little at McCoy's disbelief. His friend waves a hand in exasperation. "I may not be the elf's biggest fan, but it's obvious to me - and pretty much everyone else - that he's crazy about you."
Something warm and fuzzy settles in Kirk's chest at McCoy's words, but it doesn't stop his stomach from twisting uncomfortably. "You don't understand. The whole mental…" -he gestures randomly, trying with difficulty to explain- "…thing is really important in Vulcan relationships. He deserves someone who can give him that." And with that he knows what he has to do.
McCoy looks sidelong at him. "You're going to do something stupid, aren't you?"
Kirk shrugs. "It's not stupid. It's the only thing I can do." And it hurts like hell, but McCoy doesn't need to know that. Although, from the look his friend gives him at his words, he's sure McCoy already knows.
He stands up and swallows hard, feeling suddenly sick. "He's probably looking for me. I should go." He has to force his voice not to shake.
McCoy stands and reaches out to squeeze his shoulder. "Jim. Try talking to him before you make any hasty decisions, okay?"
Kirk isn't in the habit of second-guessing his decisions, and he's sure McCoy knows that, but he nods anyway and his friend drops his hand.
"I'll be here if you need me," McCoy says.
Kirk nods again, takes a deep breath and leaves the room, already preparing for what's likely to be one of the most painful conversations of his life.
* * *
Kirk asks the computer for Spock's location, and finds with some surprise that he's currently in Kirk's quarters. They've had free rein of each other's quarters for a few months now, but it's still rare for Spock to be in there without him. He assumes Spock is waiting for him, or at least looking for him, and immediately heads over there.
When he enters his quarters he finds Spock flicking through one of his books; he can't tell whether the Vulcan is actually reading it or not. Spock looks up as he enters, and puts the book aside.
"You left," he says neutrally.
"Yeah." Kirk nods, looking everywhere but at Spock. "I needed to think." He swallows and blurts out, "It's okay, you know. This probably wouldn't have worked anyway."
Spock stands up, surprise crossing his face. "Jim-"
Kirk holds up a hand. "Let me finish, okay?" Spock raises an eyebrow, but falls silent. "I know the bond and everything is really important to Vulcans, and I don't want to be the reason for you missing out on it." He takes a few deep breaths and has to fight back tears. "I know how hard this is for you, and I've thought about it, and T'Mar's right. I'm not the logical choice. I never have been." He used to be proud of that - the idea that Spock would go against logic to be with him - but that was before.
He makes an effort to meet Spock's eyes as he adds, "It'll be easier for everyone if we just end things now."
He watches as pain and confusion crosses Spock's face. "I do not understand. Are you saying you wish to terminate our relationship?" Spock asks, uncertainty colouring his tone.
"I think it would be best," Kirk replies.
Spock isn't about to let him sidestep the question, however, and one eyebrow goes up. "That isn't what I asked. Is this truly what you want?"
And, despite all his best intentions, Kirk can't lie. "No!" he bursts out. "Of course not! But I can't...." He takes a deep breath and starts again. "I know how important the whole mental connection thing is, and if you stay with me you'll never have that. I can't let you make that kind of sacrifice for me. I'm not worth it."
He moves a few steps away and studies the floor, crossing his arms tightly across his chest. He knew this would be painful, but he didn't expect it to be this bad. If he wasn't so certain that it's the right thing to do, he wouldn't be able to bear it.
He feels a hand on his shoulder, but doesn't turn around.
"Jim. Look at me," Spock says.
Kirk considers his options and, sighing, turns to face him. The intensity in Spock's gaze is a little surprising; Kirk isn't sure he's ever seen that expression before. "You are worth it," Spock says, stressing every word as though Kirk is an idiot. "You will always be worth it to me."
There is silence for a long moment before Spock adds quietly, "May I speak now?"
Kirk nods. He isn't certain he can speak any more right now anyway - at least not without breaking down, and he is determined not to cry.
Spock steps forward and takes hold of Kirk's shoulders, rubbing gentle circles with his thumbs. The corners of his mouth turn up very slightly. "While I am gratified that you are so concerned for my happiness that you would willingly forgo your own, you seem to be labouring under a misapprehension. I have no intention of ending our relationship."
Kirk begins to protest, but Spock cuts him off. "In fact," Spock continues, raising his voice slightly, "if you had not left so abruptly, you would have heard me informing Healer T'Mar of that fact."
"She's right, though," Kirk replies dully. "You should find someone ‘compatible'."
"Perhaps, but I do not want to." Spock runs his hands down Kirk's arms and takes hold of his hands. "I want you," he says, then adds haltingly, "I... love you."
Kirk can only stare at him. "You've never said that before," he says softly.
Spock squeezes his hands. "I wanted to show you," he replies. "It appears that may not be possible now, but I have found it doesn't change the way I feel." He lets go of Kirk's hands and reaches up to cup his face, running his thumbs over Kirk's cheekbones.
"I know you," he says, gaze fixed on Kirk's. "You are kind and intelligent and brave. You have saved my life several times over, and were willing to endure pain and suffering in an attempt to ensure my happiness." He swallows and adds softly, "And you are one of the few people in my life to accept me entirely as I am, without question, and that means far more to me than a simple accident of biology. If I must choose between you and the bond, I choose you."
Of all the things Kirk expected Spock to say, he couldn't have predicted this. It may be the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to him, and when Spock follows up the words by leaning forward and kissing him, the last of Kirk's resistance melts away. He clutches at Spock's shirt and kisses back fiercely, putting all of his own love and devotion into the act.
"I trust there will be no more talk of ending our relationship?" Spock asks when they break apart long minutes later.
Kirk shakes his head. "If you think we can make it work, then I want to try."
With that he leans in again and kisses Spock, pushing him in the direction of the bed. This might not be exactly how he imagined their relationship would go, but it's real, and it's theirs, and from now on he's going to fight for it.
Pairing: Kirk/Spock
Rating: PG
Summary: The first time Kirk and Spock attempt to meld, Kirk winds up in pain. And the second time. And the third. Eventually he starts to wonder if they're really meant to be.
Words: ~5000
Notes: Kind of a twist on the old cliché - what if Kirk and Spock's minds weren't compatible? Thanks to verizonhorizon for the beta and encouragement.
They've been together for four months when Spock first attempts to meld with him.
It's the day after a less than optimal mission - one where they both came far too close to being killed - and Kirk figures this is Spock's way of trying to seize the day. He sits on the edge of the bed and feels his heart speed up a little in anticipation as Spock approaches. He's been curious about this for months now, since before they even got together, but Spock has insisted it is not something to be taken lightly.
Still, he feels a sense of warmth as Spock places his fingers on his face, and feels the hair on the back of his neck stand on end. He closes his eyes as Spock murmurs, "My mind to your mind."
Right away it's nothing like melding with the elder Spock. That was strange and not entirely pleasant, but it wasn't like this. This feels like forcing something in where it doesn't belong, and pain spikes through his head.
He jerks away from Spock's hand and nearly overbalances before managing to steady himself against the wall. "What the hell was that?!" he demands, waving a hand wildly.
Spock actually looks hurt. "You pulled away," he says quietly.
The look on his face is enough to quash most of Kirk's irritation. "I didn't mean to," he replies more calmly, "but it hurt. You never said it would hurt."
Spock frowns. "It isn't meant to hurt. I am not sure what happened." He reaches out to touch Kirk's arm. "Are you still in pain?"
"No," Kirk replies. "It stopped when I broke the connection." He takes a breath and forces a smile. "Let's try it again. Maybe it'll be different this time."
"You are certain?" Spock asks, studying his face.
"Sure, why not?" Kirk says with a shrug, trying to seem more confident than he is. He knows enough about Vulcans to realise how big a deal this whole melding thing is, and he's not about to give up at the first hurdle.
Spock hesitates for a few seconds, but eventually moves forward and replaces his fingers on Kirk's face. Kirk makes every effort to relax and let down all his barriers as Spock repeats the words he used before.
This time it doesn't hurt as much, but it still feels utterly wrong. It's like having an itch he can't scratch, unpleasant and irritating, and Kirk finds himself having to use almost all of his concentration to keep from pulling away again.
Try to relax, Jim, he hears.
I am trying, he sends back in frustration. It's hard. Everything in him is straining against the intrusive force in his mind. He feels Spock begin to withdraw, and the overwhelming relief he feels is a little worrying.
When they are fully separated, Spock lets his hand drop from Kirk's face. His expression is one of complete and utter neutrality, and Kirk recognises that look - it's the one Spock wears when he's dealing with immense emotion and trying not to show it.
"It isn't meant to be like that, is it?" Kirk asks quietly. He was so looking forward to sharing this with Spock, and from the looks of it Spock felt the same way. And now it's all gone wrong and Kirk doesn't even know why.
Spock shakes his head slowly. "No." He pauses, and adds tonelessly, "I do not understand."
He looks so hopeless that Kirk can't help but reach out. "I'm sure it'll be fine. Maybe we just need some more practice; I mean this is the first time you've done this, right?"
"This is the first time I have melded with a human," Spock agrees neutrally.
"Right, so next time it'll be better," Kirk says, unsure which of them he's trying to convince. It's just a minor setback, he tells himself firmly. It doesn't mean anything. Their first time having sex didn't exactly go according to plan, and that turned out okay.
Unfortunately their efforts have left him with a headache, and he rubs absently at his forehead as he thinks. He blinks as Spock reaches up and begins to gently massage his temples. "You are in pain," Spock says quietly. "Allow me to assist you."
"I'm fine," Kirk responds, but doesn't try to stop him. He feels his headache begin to recede under Spock's touch and closes his eyes, telling himself that they'll make it through this like they have everything else that life has thrown at them. Everything is going to be fine.
* * *
They attempt to meld several more times over the next few weeks, and Kirk thinks they're getting better at it. Spock can by now maintain contact for several minutes without either of them pulling away, and there are moments when it's almost pleasant. He still comes out of the melds with a headache, but he's willing to consider it a worthwhile sacrifice. He isn't going to let a little pain keep him from becoming closer to Spock.
So when Spock suggests attempting a deeper meld one night, he barely hesitates. He uses the relaxation techniques that Spock has taught him to keep himself calm as the Vulcan enters his mind, and concentrates on his breathing as Spock slowly deepens the connection.
At first it seems to be going well, and he inwardly rejoices. Spock's mind opens up to him, all warmth and colour, and for a long moment it's utterly incredible. But it starts to feel too warm and too bright, and then it begins to hurt, worse than ever before.
Jim? Spock asks, clearly worried.
Kirk fights the urge to curl up in a ball and does the next best thing; runs. I can't do this. I'm sorry. He pulls away as hard as he can and succeeds in breaking the connection between them.
He only has a moment of relief before the head-splitting pain hits him and he realises with horror that he is about to throw up. He rolls off the bed and stumbles into the bathroom, dropping to his knees before the toilet just in time to be violently ill.
When his stomach finally stops trying to turn itself inside out, he rests his aching head against the toilet rim and closes his eyes. "Lights to twenty percent," he orders quietly. The words come out more exhausted than commanding, but the computer recognises the instruction and dims the lights. Kirk sighs as the pain in his head drops to a dull roar. So much for it getting better, he thinks miserably.
"Jim?"
Kirk manages to open his eyes and turn his head enough to see Spock kneeling beside him. "Not so loud," he mumbles.
Spock looks concerned and a little apologetic. "I apologise for your discomfort. If I'd known this would happen...."
Kirk manages a half-smile. "I know. It's okay." If there's one thing he's certain of, it's that Spock would never intentionally hurt him like this.
Spock goes to the sink and returns with a glass of water. "You should drink this," he says. "Do you want me to call Doctor McCoy?"
"No," Kirk replies as he reaches out to take the glass. "I'll be fine." The last thing he wants is for McCoy to get involved in all of this. He leans against the wall and closes his eyes before lifting the glass to his mouth. He isn't sure how his stomach will handle it, so takes small sips at first. The water thankfully stays down and he starts to feel a little better.
He feels Spock sit down next to him and wrap an arm around his back. Kirk leans against him gratefully, resting his head on Spock's shoulder. "I thought it'd get better," he admits.
"As did I," Spock replies quietly. "But it appears we were wrong."
Something in Kirk's chest aches at the words, at the injustice of it all. Everything in him says that they should just... fit together, and they don't. He shifts closer to Spock, taking what comfort he can from the contact, and feels Spock's arm tighten around him in response.
"Has your stomach settled?" Spock asks after a short silence.
Kirk considers it. "Yeah, I think so." His head still aches horribly, but most of the nausea has passed.
"Then it would be best if you attempted to rest."
Kirk raises his head from Spock's shoulder and sets his half-finished glass of water aside, then pushes Spock away when he tries to help him stand up. "It's a headache," he says with annoyance. "Pretty sure I can still walk." Spock raises an eyebrow and moves away.
Unfortunately when Kirk attempts to stand a wave of pain and dizziness crashes over him, forcing him to sit down again. He curses under his breath as he waits for the dizziness to fade, and is grateful when Spock doesn't say ‘I told you so', but instead offers his help a second time. This time Kirk takes the offer.
Spock takes most of his weight as they cross the room and only lets go once Kirk is safely lying down on the bed. Kirk closes his eyes as he curls into a ball and tries to move as little as possible. "Wasn't supposed to be like this," he mumbles, and feels Spock pull the covers up around him.
"I know," Spock replies softly, and Kirk drifts off to sleep.
* * *
Kirk's headache is gone by the time he wakes up, but it's days before he can keep from flinching whenever Spock touches his face, and he doesn't miss the self-reproach that shows in Spock's eyes every time it happens. It doesn't matter how many times he insists it isn't Spock's fault; his partner seems determined to blame himself.
And it really doesn't help when Uhura discovers him researching mindmelds and bonding and immediately gets the wrong end of the stick. He knows she's trying to be supportive, but her impassioned speech about how special and important the meld is, and how lucky he is that Spock is choosing to share it with him, is the last thing he needs.
He doesn't realise how badly the situation has shaken him until he spaces out during a conversation with McCoy and, when the other man asks in frustration, "What the hell's gotten into you lately?" finds himself blurting out the whole story.
When McCoy's response is to drag him down to sickbay and run an examination while muttering under his breath about what he's going to do to Spock the next time he sees him, Kirk remembers why he didn't tell his friend about this in the first place.
"It isn't his fault," Kirk protests as McCoy scans him with a tricorder. "He didn't know it'd affect me like that."
"Well, he should have," McCoy retorts. "You told me he knew from the first that something was wrong."
"Yeah, but we thought it was just because he'd never melded with a human before."
"And you volunteered yourself as a test subject." McCoy shakes his head and sighs. "Can't say I'm surprised."
Kirk leans forward, trying to get a glimpse of the tricorder readings. "So? Am I going to live?" he jokes, but it comes out a little flat.
McCoy frowns. "Everything seems fine, but tell me if you get any more headaches." He puts the tricorder aside and says firmly, "And you can tell your pointy-eared boyfriend that the next time he melds with you he damn well better be in the presence of a healer."
Kirk feels a little weight lift off him at that; it'll be months before they can consult a healer. "Thanks, Bones," he says, pushing himself off the bed.
"Tell Spock I want to see him in here whenever he gets a minute," McCoy says as Kirk turns to leave. "And Jim?"
Kirk turns back. "Yeah?"
"Try not to let this screw up your whole relationship." He shakes his head and adds, "I can't believe I'm saying this, but you and Spock are actually good for each other."
Kirk nods and smiles. "Thanks."
He feels a lot better as he leaves sickbay, and starts planning a whole bunch of activities for him and Spock to do that in no way involve melding. They have a lot of time to make up.
* * *
Their decision to refrain from melding until they can consult with a healer takes the strain off of Kirk, and their relationship quickly goes back to how it was before they started their little experiment. By the time they are called to New Vulcan a few months later, the pain and discomfort of their last meld is nothing more than a memory.
The anxiety that coils in Kirk's stomach when Spock suggests they take the opportunity to visit a healer is familiar, however, and he feels guilty when he realises he's been hoping that Spock would just forget the whole melding idea.
He agrees to the visit, of course, but he isn't looking forward to it, and as they stop in front of a plain glass building that is labelled in both Vulcan and Standard as a healer's office he has to fight to stay calm. He doesn't want any more people messing around in his head.
He follows Spock inside and hovers in the middle of the foyer as Spock signs them in on the computer. He takes a few deep breaths and tries to relax. You're a starship captain, for God's sake. You've faced things worse than this.
Spock finishes with the computer and returns to his side. He touches Kirk's elbow gently as he says, "We are in room 108."
Kirk swallows. "Okay." His apprehension must be showing because Spock frowns slightly and offers him two fingers.
When he completes the gesture, Spock says quietly, "Would you rather we left?"
Yes, Kirk thinks immediately, but the concern in Spock's voice reminds him why he's doing this, and he can't be selfish. "No," he says. "I'm fine."
Spock studies his face for a few seconds, still frowning, before seeming to give in. "It is this way," he says, and sets off towards a set of doors on Kirk's right. Kirk follows.
Of course Vulcan buildings are set out perfectly logically, and it only takes them a minute or two to locate room 108. The door is open, and there is a plaque beside it that labels the room as the office of Healer T'Mar.
Kirk looks through the doorway to see a Vulcan woman working at a desk. She's younger than he expected - in fact she doesn't seem much older than him or Spock. Then again, he isn't exactly an expert at determining Vulcan ages; for all he knows she's actually seventy.
At that moment she looks up and sees them. Her expression stays utterly neutral but she beckons them in. "Commander Spock, I presume," she says, and then allows her gaze to drift over to Kirk. "And Captain Kirk."
Spock gives her the Vulcan salute. "Healer T'Mar."
With effort, Kirk manages a passable Vulcan salute himself. He swears that T'Mar's eyebrow twitches, but he has no way of knowing whether that's a good or bad thing.
She gestures to the chairs in front of her desk. "Sit down, and we shall discuss what brings you here."
Kirk sits down with as much grace and dignity as he can muster - he is not about to make a fool of himself in front of this woman. He's mildly surprised when Spock reaches out and squeezes his fingers once before withdrawing his hand, and has to fight not to let his emotions show.
T'Mar clasps her hands together on top of the desk as she looks at them. "I understand you are having difficulty sustaining a mindmeld?"
Spock nods. "That is correct. My attempts have in fact caused Jim physical pain."
"Indeed." T'Mar raises an eyebrow. "You are aware that by forming a relationship with a human you are already at a disadvantage in this area? Human minds are not accustomed to the intensity of the meld."
Kirk tenses. It seems to be more a statement of fact than an insult, but he can't help feeling like she's blaming him.
"I do not believe that is the problem," Spock says, his tone carefully expressionless.
"We shall see," T'Mar responds dispassionately. "First we shall test your technique." She stands up and walks over to sit on a bench at the side of the room. "Spock, I would like you to perform a mindmeld on me."
Spock raises his eyebrows, but he obediently stands up and crosses the room to sit beside her. Kirk feels an odd swell of jealousy in his stomach as Spock places his fingers on her face - he might not be ecstatic at the idea of melding with Spock, but it still doesn't feel right to see someone else do it.
They come out of it after a minute or two, and T'Mar nods as Spock removes his hand. "Acceptable." She turns to look at Kirk. "The next step is for me to touch your mind, Captain."
Kirk swallows as he stands up and walks over to her. Spock stands up as he approaches and allows him to sit down beside her. Kirk tenses involuntarily as T'Mar arranges her fingers on his face, and braces himself for the pain.
It doesn't come. The meld isn't amazing or anything - it's a little boring, in fact - but there's no pain, and no sense of trying to force something in where it doesn't belong. T'Mar's mind carefully brushes against his and then withdraws.
Kirk opens his eyes and can't remember when he closed them. "Is that how it's supposed to be?" he asks, the words slipping out before he can stop them.
T'Mar shakes her head briskly. "That was a diagnostic meld. The sharing between bondmates is much more intimate." She glances up at Spock. "I do not see any reason why the two of you should be unable to meld. Perhaps if I touched both of your minds at once?"
Instead of sitting down on the bench, Spock kneels in front of it. Now he knows what to expect, Kirk isn't as nervous about the meld. He closes his eyes as T'Mar once more arranges her fingers on his face.
It's different this time, just a vague impression of someone else at the edges of his mind. He feels Spock place his fingers on the other side of his face, and their eyes meet once before Spock presses into his mind.
Just like last time, there's a brief moment of warmth and tranquillity before the pain hits and he jerks away. T'Mar abruptly ends the meld and Kirk doubles over, taking deep breaths and trying not to throw up. He feels a sudden pressure against his arm, and glances up to see T'Mar replacing a hypospray in a medical kit.
Within moments the pain and nausea begin to fade, and he slowly sits up. Spock is hovering anxiously at his side, and Kirk glances up to meet his eyes. "I'm okay," he reassures him, before turning back to T'Mar. "Do you know what's wrong?"
She finishes storing the medical kit and glances between them. "It appears your minds are not compatible."
"What does that mean?" Kirk asks. It's obviously not good news, and his heart speeds up.
Spock reaches out and touches his shoulder. "It means our relationship will be more complicated than usual, that is all," he says gently.
T'Mar doesn't seem to agree with his assessment, if the level of her left eyebrow is any indication. "It is unlikely that the two of you will be able to form a bond," she tells them bluntly. "I would not recommend proceeding with the relationship."
Kirk feels as though he's been punched in the stomach, and it takes him a few seconds to remember how to breathe. He stands up, pushing aside Spock's hands when he tries to help, and mutters, "I need to be alone."
He turns and rushes out of the room, ignoring Spock calling his name. He can't deal with this right now; he needs to think.
He makes it outside without Spock catching up to him, and wonders bitterly if Spock is busy commiserating with T'Mar about overly emotional humans. He pulls out his communicator and gives the order for beam-up, and within seconds is materialising on the transporter platform. At that point it occurs to him that he has no idea what to do now. His quarters and the bridge are the first places Spock'll look for him, and he really doesn't want to have that conversation right now.
There is one place he can go, though, and he swiftly makes his way to McCoy's quarters. He knows for a fact McCoy won't be taking shore leave on New Vulcan; he's been complaining about the idea for the past week.
Sure enough, the door slides open almost as soon as Kirk buzzes for entry, and he enters to find McCoy sitting on his bed watching a vid. He pauses it when he catches sight of Kirk and frowns as he looks him up and down. "You look like hell," he says. "What happened?"
Kirk flops down beside him. "Spock dragged me to a Vulcan healer."
McCoy grimaces. "Sounds like fun." Kirk shrugs and McCoy bumps his shoulder gently as he adds, "Do I need to kick his ass?"
Kirk gives a huff of laughter. "No, it's not like that. It's not him, it's just...." He takes a deep breath before continuing, "Remember I told you we were having trouble melding?"
"Yeah?"
Kirk rubs his hands over his face. "Well, it's not a temporary thing. Our minds aren't compatible." He pretends the words don't mean anything; it's easier to talk about it that way. "Which means that we'll never be able to meld, and we probably won't be able to bond." He's surprised at how much it hurts when just hours ago he was thinking that it wouldn't be so bad if they never melded again. Somehow hearing out loud that they can't has put the whole thing in perspective.
McCoy is silent for a moment. "What does Spock think about that?"
"I don't know," Kirk admits. "I left before he could say anything." He looks at McCoy miserably. "She told him it would be logical to break up with me."
"You can't think he'd actually consider it?" Kirk finds his hope lifting a little at McCoy's disbelief. His friend waves a hand in exasperation. "I may not be the elf's biggest fan, but it's obvious to me - and pretty much everyone else - that he's crazy about you."
Something warm and fuzzy settles in Kirk's chest at McCoy's words, but it doesn't stop his stomach from twisting uncomfortably. "You don't understand. The whole mental…" -he gestures randomly, trying with difficulty to explain- "…thing is really important in Vulcan relationships. He deserves someone who can give him that." And with that he knows what he has to do.
McCoy looks sidelong at him. "You're going to do something stupid, aren't you?"
Kirk shrugs. "It's not stupid. It's the only thing I can do." And it hurts like hell, but McCoy doesn't need to know that. Although, from the look his friend gives him at his words, he's sure McCoy already knows.
He stands up and swallows hard, feeling suddenly sick. "He's probably looking for me. I should go." He has to force his voice not to shake.
McCoy stands and reaches out to squeeze his shoulder. "Jim. Try talking to him before you make any hasty decisions, okay?"
Kirk isn't in the habit of second-guessing his decisions, and he's sure McCoy knows that, but he nods anyway and his friend drops his hand.
"I'll be here if you need me," McCoy says.
Kirk nods again, takes a deep breath and leaves the room, already preparing for what's likely to be one of the most painful conversations of his life.
* * *
Kirk asks the computer for Spock's location, and finds with some surprise that he's currently in Kirk's quarters. They've had free rein of each other's quarters for a few months now, but it's still rare for Spock to be in there without him. He assumes Spock is waiting for him, or at least looking for him, and immediately heads over there.
When he enters his quarters he finds Spock flicking through one of his books; he can't tell whether the Vulcan is actually reading it or not. Spock looks up as he enters, and puts the book aside.
"You left," he says neutrally.
"Yeah." Kirk nods, looking everywhere but at Spock. "I needed to think." He swallows and blurts out, "It's okay, you know. This probably wouldn't have worked anyway."
Spock stands up, surprise crossing his face. "Jim-"
Kirk holds up a hand. "Let me finish, okay?" Spock raises an eyebrow, but falls silent. "I know the bond and everything is really important to Vulcans, and I don't want to be the reason for you missing out on it." He takes a few deep breaths and has to fight back tears. "I know how hard this is for you, and I've thought about it, and T'Mar's right. I'm not the logical choice. I never have been." He used to be proud of that - the idea that Spock would go against logic to be with him - but that was before.
He makes an effort to meet Spock's eyes as he adds, "It'll be easier for everyone if we just end things now."
He watches as pain and confusion crosses Spock's face. "I do not understand. Are you saying you wish to terminate our relationship?" Spock asks, uncertainty colouring his tone.
"I think it would be best," Kirk replies.
Spock isn't about to let him sidestep the question, however, and one eyebrow goes up. "That isn't what I asked. Is this truly what you want?"
And, despite all his best intentions, Kirk can't lie. "No!" he bursts out. "Of course not! But I can't...." He takes a deep breath and starts again. "I know how important the whole mental connection thing is, and if you stay with me you'll never have that. I can't let you make that kind of sacrifice for me. I'm not worth it."
He moves a few steps away and studies the floor, crossing his arms tightly across his chest. He knew this would be painful, but he didn't expect it to be this bad. If he wasn't so certain that it's the right thing to do, he wouldn't be able to bear it.
He feels a hand on his shoulder, but doesn't turn around.
"Jim. Look at me," Spock says.
Kirk considers his options and, sighing, turns to face him. The intensity in Spock's gaze is a little surprising; Kirk isn't sure he's ever seen that expression before. "You are worth it," Spock says, stressing every word as though Kirk is an idiot. "You will always be worth it to me."
There is silence for a long moment before Spock adds quietly, "May I speak now?"
Kirk nods. He isn't certain he can speak any more right now anyway - at least not without breaking down, and he is determined not to cry.
Spock steps forward and takes hold of Kirk's shoulders, rubbing gentle circles with his thumbs. The corners of his mouth turn up very slightly. "While I am gratified that you are so concerned for my happiness that you would willingly forgo your own, you seem to be labouring under a misapprehension. I have no intention of ending our relationship."
Kirk begins to protest, but Spock cuts him off. "In fact," Spock continues, raising his voice slightly, "if you had not left so abruptly, you would have heard me informing Healer T'Mar of that fact."
"She's right, though," Kirk replies dully. "You should find someone ‘compatible'."
"Perhaps, but I do not want to." Spock runs his hands down Kirk's arms and takes hold of his hands. "I want you," he says, then adds haltingly, "I... love you."
Kirk can only stare at him. "You've never said that before," he says softly.
Spock squeezes his hands. "I wanted to show you," he replies. "It appears that may not be possible now, but I have found it doesn't change the way I feel." He lets go of Kirk's hands and reaches up to cup his face, running his thumbs over Kirk's cheekbones.
"I know you," he says, gaze fixed on Kirk's. "You are kind and intelligent and brave. You have saved my life several times over, and were willing to endure pain and suffering in an attempt to ensure my happiness." He swallows and adds softly, "And you are one of the few people in my life to accept me entirely as I am, without question, and that means far more to me than a simple accident of biology. If I must choose between you and the bond, I choose you."
Of all the things Kirk expected Spock to say, he couldn't have predicted this. It may be the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to him, and when Spock follows up the words by leaning forward and kissing him, the last of Kirk's resistance melts away. He clutches at Spock's shirt and kisses back fiercely, putting all of his own love and devotion into the act.
"I trust there will be no more talk of ending our relationship?" Spock asks when they break apart long minutes later.
Kirk shakes his head. "If you think we can make it work, then I want to try."
With that he leans in again and kisses Spock, pushing him in the direction of the bed. This might not be exactly how he imagined their relationship would go, but it's real, and it's theirs, and from now on he's going to fight for it.