Half Empty - [Yugyeom-centric + platonic!Yugjae Oneshot]
A/N: Prompt was: "could you write a angsty yugyeom centric fic where yugyeom is always stuck in their dorm while the other members go on shows?? or any pairing with yugyeom is fine too^^"
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Yugyeom thought he’d be used to it by now, the silence, but no matter how many times he found himself in this situation the emptiness always seemed to get to him.
The clock read 10:03AM when Yugyeom padded out of his bedroom, still in his pajamas as he dropped down onto the couch in the living room. He pushed aside someone’s half-folded underwear to make space, smiling ruefully. If any of his other members had the opportunity to sleep in, they surely would’ve jumped at it, and yet here he was resenting that very freedom the others didn’t have.
Yugyeom hated it.
But then again, his feelings were quite normal, weren’t they? After all, there was a saying in the entertainment industry- being busy was exhausting, but it was worse to have free time. It meant you weren’t popular enough to make it onto the variety shows, not skilled enough to compete in singing shows, not talented enough to make the venture into acting. Being able to laze around casually wasn’t a sign that you’d made it, it was a signal that you needed to work harder, ten times harder, a hundred times harder in order to catch up to the others.
Got7’s next group schedule was to be later in the evening, so when Yugyeom finally awoke this morning, naturally and not by the interruption of an alarm, the dorm had already been completely emptied. Yugyeom didn’t know exactly what his other members’ schedules were, though he could find out easily enough from their manager. But Yugyeom didn’t want to know, as it didn’t make a difference. The reality was he was left here, alone, in the silence of their empty dorm yet again.
Yugyeom hated it, but not because he was jealous of his members’ success.
He hated it, because it meant he wasn’t good enough.
Collapsed on the couch, fingers rubbing the smooth leather under him absently, Yugyeom allowed himself to lapse into his musings, pushing away the real world for a while. The only sound audible was the ticking of the clock, anyways, and even that faded away as Yugyeom effectively spaced out, mind moving sluggishly.
Had he anticipated this? Sort of, but not really. There hadn’t been time or energy to worry too much about the future during trainee days, all the anxiety and pressure being focused on the single point of debut .
Debut.
That single word had meant the entire world at that time, and it’d seemed if that single goal was achieved, then everything would be okay.
All the tears, sweat, and even blood, he’d readily shed for debut. The constant gnawing fear of being eliminated, of being overlooked, of not being given the chance to prove himself at all had manifested into a dangerous combination of relentless practice and constant self-critique.
Not to say there weren’t times when he managed to forget all of that. There were so many good times, too, because at the end of the day they were all still kids. Kids trying to follow dreams akin to fireflies dancing in front of their faces, their lights mesmerising and oh-so close, entirely within reach. But it would only take a slip of the hand, a miscalculation by the merest distance, and the flashes of light, of hope, would be gone, escaped from their grasps.
Besides the fear, the anxiety, the pressure, there were still so many memories of pure joy. Of secret night-time games and giggly gossip and fooling around in the practice rooms, of hyungs who would ruffle his hair and patiently teach him how to sing with proper technique and would buy him snacks from the convenience store.
And of other hyungs who were not so kind, who reminded him that the entertainment industry was a place where the strong survived and the weak were either trampled on or forgotten altogether.
Despite the crushingness of it all, after a while Yugyeom had felt that he’d found a good balance. It’d taken some time, to reconcile all of the turbulent emotions, but he’d always been told he was rather mature for his age. As difficult as it seemed, and as cliche as it always sounded, the advice given to them was good stuff. Yugyeom learned to focus on himself above all else, to lead with a positive attitude and always strive to improve. When he’d done his best and told it still wasn’t enough, it did no good to linger on the matter, to wallow in destructive pity or insecurity. The path to debut meant looking forwards, being able to put past failure behind and strive for improvement.
His resolve had hardened, and so had his confidence. And that was when it began to show, when he didn’t let his incompetencies tear him down any longer. He used it all as motivation, to improve, to get better, to be noticed.
And the others had noticed. Suddenly, he wasn’t just that one tall trainee that looked older than he was. He was Kim Yugyeom who unwittingly demanded all attention in the room when he danced, Kim Yugyeom who possessed a power and passion in his moves that drew envy from others.
And he debuted.
So theoretically, it should be the same now. He was slightly behind his members, fine. He wasn’t good enough yet, fine. He’d been in a similar situation before, so he could handle it the same way, right? He didn’t have to care about it now, he only had to keep working and keep trying and one day he’d prove himself, right?
It all made sense in theory, so why did Yugyeom still feel so defeated, so empty?
Maybe because right now, it wasn’t about himself anymore. He wasn’t just Kim Yugyeom, a kid who looked older than his age trying his best to debut. No, he was Yugyeom, the maknae of Got7. He was one of seven, a piece of a whole. His inadequacies were no longer personal, but something that belonged to an entire group.
Yugyeom felt like he was dragging the group down, and that was what he truly despised. Dragging down Mark, Jackson, Bambam, who all came from other countries to this strange new land alone, to learn a new language and new culture on top of everything else. Dragging down Youngjae, who joined later than everyone else and yet quickly learned how to lead the team with his vocals. Dragging down Jaebum and Jinyoung who’d gone through the ordeal of debuting twice and absolutely could not afford to fail again.
Which was why--
“Yugyeom? Yugyeommie? Yugyeom-ahhhhh-”
Yugyeom jerked out of his contemplations only to see a set of wide, blinking brown eyes right in front of his face, much too close for comfort. A high pitched sound he didn’t know he could produce managed to squeak past his vocal cords as he scrambled backwards, nearly sliding off the sofa altogether.
“Youngjae-hyung?” Yugyeom finally managed to identify slightly breathlessly, heart still beating way too fast from being surprised.
By this point Youngjae had already collapsed on the hardwood floor of their dorm, clutching his stomach as he laughed his usual loud laugh, head tossed back with his mouth wide open.
Yugyeom flushed, running a hand through his hair as he readjusted himself on the couch.
“Yah, stop laughing!” Yugyeom kicked Youngjae lightly in the back, his cheeks growing redder by the second.
“Oh, oh my god,” Youngjae finally managed to wheeze past his guffaws. “I’ve never- ever- ever seen you so scared oh my god I wish I’d gotten that on camera!”
“Yahhhhh,” Yugyeom now resorted to whining, the embarrassment slowly diminishing as Youngjae slowly quieted as well.
“Ohhh man that was priceless.” Youngjae finally managed to pick himself off the ground, after which he turned to look at Yugyeom curiously. “What were you thinking about, anyways? You looked like you were completely spaced out, you didn’t even notice when I walked in. Or when I waved my hand in front of your face.”
“I was, uh-” Yugyeom floundered for a few seconds, eyes darting around in an attempt to come up with something somewhat productive. But there was nothing in reach, and even the television was off. “-I was just… thinking… about things,” he finally concluded rather vaguely.
“Things?” Youngjae raised an eyebrow, an uncharacteristically serious look on his face as he settled down on the cushion next to Yugyeom. “What things?”
“Just stuff,” Yugyeom evaded again, attempting to switch the subject, “Where did you just come from, hyung?”
“Me?” Youngjae hadn’t necessarily been expecting the change in subject, but quickly took it in stride. “Vocal practice, the company’s trying to get me to think about auditioning for musicals. I don’t know if I want to yet though, you know? Like - ”
Yugyeom nodded along to Youngjae’s words, but something within him lurched - there it was again. Yet another very present reminder of how his other members were moving ahead, and how he was still stuck here, stagnant and -
“- I don’t know if that’s a step I want to take right now? I mean -”
Yugyeom’s eyes darkened a fraction more. See, Youngjae even had the luxury of choice, given the option to choose which paths he could pursue. Right now, Yugyeom could beg to join a musical and no one would want him. The fact that he was a main dancer was besides the point, he wasn’t funny like Jackson or Bambam, either, and couldn’t be invited on variety shows. He also lacked acting skills like Jinyoung -
“- I don’t know if I’m ready yet, in terms of acting. I mean, acting on a stage is very different-” Youngjae broke off mid-sentence, finally noticing that Yugyeom had spaced out again, his expression startling morose. “Yugyeom-ah?”
“H-Huh?” Yugyeom jolted out of his thoughts to Youngjae’s large brown eyes again, but this time they were a more comfortable distance away, and worried.
“Hey, are you okay?” Youngjae was genuinely concerned now, with Yugyeom’s behavior so contrary to usual.
“Of course, hyung, what are you talking about,” Yugyeom tried to feign indifference but it was too late, and Youngjae’s brow creased as he attempted to analyze the almost mournful expression that had been present just moments earlier.
“Is something bothering you?” Youngjae prodded gently, eyes so open and candid and Yugyeom almost spilled everything right then and there. It was hard not to with Youngjae whenever he looked at you like that, so intently and full of kind intentions.
“It’s… nothing, I’m fine,” Yugyeom settled on saying finally, but Youngjae’s frown only deepened, more than convinced now that something was indeed wrong.
“You know you can tell me anything, right? I won’t tell anyone, not even Jaebum-hyung,” Youngjae assured Yugyeom earnestly, still staring at him imploringly. "Yugyeom swallowed, looking away, heart rate increasing as he weighed the words in his mind.
Coming to a final decision, Yugyeom began to speak hesitantly.
“It’s just…”
How was he supposed to say this? He didn’t want pity, and he didn’t want it to sound like he was whining because he wasn’t getting as many schedules. Because that wasn’t it. It was just-
“...the dorm feels so empty sometimes,” Yugyeom finally said somewhat lamely, biting his lip.
Youngjae blinked, taking a moment to process the words, and Yugyeom watched in mild fascination as Youngjae’s expression shifted into comprehension, then worry, then finally a slightly wry smile.
“Yeah, it does, sometimes,” Youngjae agreed softly, head ducking down.
There was a silence, a pregnant pause that seemed to build with energy with each passing second.
“But it gets less empty,” Youngjae finally spoke again, head snapping up to look at Yugyeom with a fiercely determined gaze, so intense that Yugyeom was immediately transfixed. “At first, it seems really empty because you feel alone, even though you’re surrounded by others for most of the day. And you feel alone because you’re falling behind, because you have so much left to learn, because you want so badly to be with everyone else.”
Yugyeom’s eyes widened, exhaling sharply at Youngjae’s words, because of course Youngjae knew. Even though he’d learned so fast, caught on so incredibly quickly, Youngjae had been the first to be in that position, joining the team so late into training and only months before debut. He probably knew better than Yugyeom.
Youngjae was still staring at him with such conviction, and Yugyeom finally found it wasn’t so difficult to hold his gaze.
“But then you realize, it’s only empty if you want it to be. Because people will always come back to fill the spaces, if you let them. They’ll always be leaving a spot for you, too, if you’re willing to find it. Finding it can be hard, claiming it as you own is also isn’t easy sometimes. But your place is always yours, as long as you want it.”
Youngjae’s eyes softened slightly, an encouraging smile accompanying his words but the certainty in his expression didn’t waver.
It was as if Yugyeom hit a point of epiphany, his doubt and worries escaping in the form of a quiet exhale.
“Thanks hyung.” Yugyeom smiled genuinely for the first time the entire conversation and Youngjae seemed to relax at the sight, the seriousness draining from his body to be replaced by his usual lightness.
“And you know you can talk to me about anything whenever, right? I know Bambam’s your best friend but sometimes he just can’t sit still long enough,” Youngjae teased and while Yugyeom knew half of it was meant jokingly, he also knew which half was meant to be completely sincere.
“I know, hyung, I know,” Yugyeom ran a hand through his hair slightly sheepishly, embarrassment starting to set in at how much insecurity he’d shown.
Luckily, Youngjae not only noticed, but was merciful enough to steer away from it.
“Hey, I just bought a new game the other day, wanna play with me?” Youngjae smiled broadly, already moving to stand. “I haven’t played it before but I bet I can beat you.”
With Youngjae smiling down at him, Yugyeom felt a sense of warmth wash over him, relieving him of whatever remained of his heavier thoughts, if only temporarily.
Yugyeom smiled back, pushing himself to his feet.
“You’re on.”
A/N: Comments are always appreciated <3