I came to a realisation today.
I'm not perfect, When I have a problem, I tend to focus only on me and my problem. And I whine nonstop about it until I fix it, or get over it. And I know it annoys my friends, hearing about it all the time. But they were there for me anyway. Even though I might not act like I appreciate them, the have no idea how much I do, or how much they mean to me. I might treat them badly sometimes (and you know who you are when you read this), but I guess that's only because sometimes I feel the need tp push those close to me away just a little so I don't get treated as badly as I'm treating them. And that's wrong.
But I love my friends. So much. None of them have any idea, because I don't show it. So every once in a while, I need to do something like this to let them know how much they mean to me. They've all listened to my emotional ranting, whining, crying and obsessing...with little complaints. They've taken me being a hypocrite on occasions. And they've still stuck by me. I owe you guys so much more than my friendship, because I know I'm a shitty friend at times. But you all stuck by me, despite my mistakes. And that's what real friends do. So starting today, I promise to be a better friend to every one of you. It'll take time, but it's something I think needs to be done. I realised today that I'm pretty much nothing without my friends.
I said that to Angus once, too. I told him that I was nothing without him. And at the time, I believed it. There really wasn't a "me" in the relationship. Just an "us". My friends noticed it. I changed after I started dating him. I became a bitch to everyone when I was around him, and I don't even know why. I lost me when I was dating him. I got so wrapped up in him that I forgot about everyone else, including me. And after the breakup, I was still lost. Until today.
I remember telling him after we broke up that I would change myself, just so I could be with him. Pathetic, yeah? But I realised today that despite whatever I thought, he probably never meant to hurt me. At least, I'd like to think he didn't. It isn't his fault that I got so attached to him, nor is it his fault that I got so upset over the breakup. Him when we were dating and him now are two different people. I realised that I would have been far more upset if we were dating with the attitude he has now.
I was shocked at how far he brought me down. My opnions and personality are the so important to me, probably more than anything else...and I was offering to change them all, jsut to be with this one person. But I'm not angry. I never was. I realised today what people have been telling me all along: if he doesn't realise by now how much his attitude is hurting me, he probably never will. I also realised that I shouldn't have to change in order to please someone. Change as far as my personality goes, anyway. I'll admit, my attitude needs a little work...but if you can't accept my personality, than you really aren't worth my time. And I'm obviously not worth yours, either. So don't talk about me behind my back (christian). Or even to my face for that natter, I can deal with people not liking me, but those who don't like me don't need to waste their time or mine by expressing that they don't, or telling me and others what I am.
I know what I am. I am a nice person, and I don't look halfway bad either. In fact, I'm damn cute. Relationships are nice, and I'm looking for one now...but I don't need whoever I'm in one with in order to make me feel special, or to make me feel whole. I'm fine how I am. And I won't change for anyone.
But I love my friends. So much. None of them have any idea, because I don't show it. So every once in a while, I need to do something like this to let them know how much they mean to me. They've all listened to my emotional ranting, whining, crying and obsessing...with little complaints. They've taken me being a hypocrite on occasions. And they've still stuck by me. I owe you guys so much more than my friendship, because I know I'm a shitty friend at times. But you all stuck by me, despite my mistakes. And that's what real friends do. So starting today, I promise to be a better friend to every one of you. It'll take time, but it's something I think needs to be done. I realised today that I'm pretty much nothing without my friends.
I said that to Angus once, too. I told him that I was nothing without him. And at the time, I believed it. There really wasn't a "me" in the relationship. Just an "us". My friends noticed it. I changed after I started dating him. I became a bitch to everyone when I was around him, and I don't even know why. I lost me when I was dating him. I got so wrapped up in him that I forgot about everyone else, including me. And after the breakup, I was still lost. Until today.
I remember telling him after we broke up that I would change myself, just so I could be with him. Pathetic, yeah? But I realised today that despite whatever I thought, he probably never meant to hurt me. At least, I'd like to think he didn't. It isn't his fault that I got so attached to him, nor is it his fault that I got so upset over the breakup. Him when we were dating and him now are two different people. I realised that I would have been far more upset if we were dating with the attitude he has now.
I was shocked at how far he brought me down. My opnions and personality are the so important to me, probably more than anything else...and I was offering to change them all, jsut to be with this one person. But I'm not angry. I never was. I realised today what people have been telling me all along: if he doesn't realise by now how much his attitude is hurting me, he probably never will. I also realised that I shouldn't have to change in order to please someone. Change as far as my personality goes, anyway. I'll admit, my attitude needs a little work...but if you can't accept my personality, than you really aren't worth my time. And I'm obviously not worth yours, either. So don't talk about me behind my back (christian). Or even to my face for that natter, I can deal with people not liking me, but those who don't like me don't need to waste their time or mine by expressing that they don't, or telling me and others what I am.
I know what I am. I am a nice person, and I don't look halfway bad either. In fact, I'm damn cute. Relationships are nice, and I'm looking for one now...but I don't need whoever I'm in one with in order to make me feel special, or to make me feel whole. I'm fine how I am. And I won't change for anyone.