(no subject)
Once again, I can feel the slip in my sanity. He asks ‘what’s wrong’ and I silently answer ‘you are’ as I always have done in this eternity. If I tried to explain, he’d tell me to ‘shut up’ and make me feel guilty for the way I feel. Anytime I mention divorce he walks around the subject instead of seriously listening. He keeps reminding me that we have always fought and that this is nothing different from before.
You are wrong though. I feel it deep down, this disharmony. We don’t fit no matter how much you love me. I cannot return half the feelings you have for me. Why can’t you see? Why must you be blind to this reality?
Our daughter? I’ll take her, I know you don’t really care all that much for her anyways. I’m always the one who gives her kisses as she goes to sleep. I’m the one who strokes her hair fondly. Only I am afraid of turning into my father and hurting her truthfully. I wonder, can you understand half those difficult feelings?
I’m stronger now, heart and soul as I found who I am meant to be. You don’t mean much more than a friend, so insignificant, so little, close to nothing. Quit taking advantage of my tenderness, my wish not to cause you any more pain. Every time you push that button, I just want to scream, lash out and tear you to pieces.
Please, please… leave me be… Just leave me.
Yes, I'm making this public. I'm sick of secrecy. I'm choking down on the incongruity, always having to lie and say I’m fine or hide from those who really know me. Having your family treat me with care and concern, all the while blindly walking over, trampling my honest feelings. They are suffocating; ignorant to our fights and the fact that I still harbor enough dislike to keep you from sharing the same bed as me. Three years, hun… three years… We’ve had our moments when I was distracted and in a state of mania, but we don’t fit…. That is the point here: We don’t fit.