An Idiot's Happiness
Title: An Idiot's Happiness
Pairing: Sakumiya, slight Matsumiya
Genre: Romance, slight Angst
Disclaimer: I don't own them, but I wish I do :(
Summary: When one losses the confidence to love and be loved, you may end out letting go of the one who matters the most
Sho is practically tearing his hair out as he remembers how everything started. It wasn’t supposed to lead to this. To him.
When his girlfriend broke up with him to be with another guy he felt cheated, but most important, he felt so worthless. It wasn’t the first time that something like that happened, the last three girlfriends he had had all left him for someone else, and Sho always thought he was a better catch. He is a college graduated for god’s sake, a working journalist in one of the main newspapers of Japan, he may not have a great position yet but he knew a promotion was on his way. Why would someone would trade him for a baker, a bartender, oh and the last one, a zoo-keeper. He was better than those.
So when he met his high-school friend Kazumi, a flirty little girl he remembered, and she proposed an arrangement that would benefit both he didn’t give it to much though and agreed to play along. It turns out her last boyfriends had put her parents on edge and now she was being watched very closely and they had demanded that the next one be a presentable guy and not the good for nothing she used to bring home. On the other hand, Sho was having a break from romance, focusing only in his work, and to get closer to his goals he has to attend some social events that require a date. If he wanted to look good to his boss she was a great option; little and cute was always a win. They would pretend to be a couple so she could get some freedom and he’ll have a date without attachments. It was perfect. Or that’s what he thought before he came in the picture.
When he was introduced to her parents everything went well, they were thrilled of having him taking care of their daughter, if only they knew that went she was supposed to be with him she was probably in some party without Sho. Of course he made sure she got home at a reasonable hour so they don’t have any problem. And when she accompanied Sho, she was in her best behavior even causing praises for being so feminine and enchanting. They acted their parts for almost a month when her brother Kazunari, who had been studying in America for the past four years, returned home to relax a little before looking for a job. The moment they met, that’s when everything changed for Sho.
He’s as skinny and small as his sister, but his smile is gummy with thin rose lips and his eyes are of a soft brown, so beautiful that with one look can make Sho stumble in his words as he never did before, heart picking up and sweaty hands. Every time he has to go to her house, he prays that Kazunari is not there so he can be more liked himself, but at the same time he craves for a look, a smile and a word, even if it’s a teasing one. Sho never liked boys so all these emotions are very new, totally unexpected and troublesome. When Kazunari talks to him from his spot in from of the TV, Sho can help to listen intensely, blocking other sounds around him, concentrated only in the way Kazunari’s mouth moves and the glint in his eyes, happy for a game well finished. Sho gulps and shakes his head to leave the trance that the slimmer boy provokes on him.
After a few weeks, Sho is determinate to not be the one who breaks the charade, so he can stay close to this family, Kazunari’s family. It doesn’t matter the stuttering, the sweaty hands or the spacing out that makes him look like a moron causing Kazunari to laugh shamelessly at him. If he can make him laugh like that, Sho thinks his embarrassment it’s totally worth it. But he didn’t count that his Kazu, as he secretly calls him, may have another admirer.
Sho has been working lately on an article about the fashion industry and the newcomers designers to watch; of course he felt like a fish on land, his knowledge of fashion is very dubious but he couldn’t refuse; the promotion practically on the tip of his fingers. So, he planned to do his best, interviewing experts and people related to the media, beside the main designers. As part of his job he had to attend a fashion show with Kazumi, nothing out of the ordinary until they spotted Kazunari there too. Kazu had to explain that he met a guy on the plane from America that insisted to invite him as he’s presenting his collection. Sho recognized the name immediately, Matsumoto Jun. He’s a new designer, who is having a lot of exposure lately, be for his work or the women that always surround him, causing his fame as a playboy.
After the show was over there were invited to a coctel party. Sho didn’t want to stay there but Kazumi was already making new friends, leaving him with Kazunari alone.
“What about we leave, this is boring” said Sho ignoring the bad looks from people around him.
“Can’t. Have to at least say thank you for the invitation, can’t be that impolite to Jun-kun”
Sho frowned at the name “He must be a good friend for you to leave the house” Sho remarked.
“He’s okay” was Kazu’s short response.
, I just don’t want to be impolite. At least I have to say hello if he invited me”
They stayed silent as Sho was trying to think on a way to take Kazunari out of there.
“Nino!” a great looking guy approached them and gave Kazunari a hug, making Sho nervous at the nickname and the way Matsumoto smiled at Kazu.
“I promised, didn’t I? It was a great show, congratulations”
“Thank you. But the important thing it’s that you’re here to celebrate together” Matsumoto took two glasses of champagne from a passing trail and immediately gave Nino one, this time standing closer to the gamer and ignoring completely Sho’s existence.
Sho cleared his throat “Congratulations on your collection Matsumoto-san”
That made Matsumoto’s gaze to take in his presence “Thank you, excuse me but have we met?” he asked curious and a little taken back for the interruption.
“Sakurai Sho, nice to meet you. We talked on the phone yesterday to schedule the interview of tomorrow”
“Oh yes, I remember now. Nice to meet you to, hope you’ll right nice things about me”
Sho smiled politely “We’ll see about that” Sho murmured for himself.
“Do you know each other?” Matsumoto asked.
“Yes, Sho-chan is dating my sister, who is around here somewhere” Nino turned his head as if looking for his sister.
“I’ll love to meet her, though I doubt she is as cute as you”
Nino blushed lightly and Sho fisted his hands because as attractive those red cheeks were, they had been caused by that flirty guy. And Sho hated that.
After a few minutes of light conversation, Nino excused himself to go to the restroom, leaving two guys looking his back as he retreated. To avoid talking to Matsumoto, Sho used the pretext to look for his girlfriend and left the designer to entertain other guests.
Kazumi was already having a private conversation with a handsome guy, and Sho practically had force her to go and wait in the car as he look for Kazunari to leave together. He had had enough of that place and especially of that guy; his mind settled to take his Kazu away from him and those shallow people. By then, soft music was playing and the lights had dimmed, forcing couples to dance very close. Sho was having trouble finding Kazu with those lights and when he was beginning to panic he saw him in a dark corner. Nino’s body resting on the wall as Matsumoto leaned to give him soft kisses on his cheeks trailing slowly to his mouth to finally land there. Kazu appeared to be contemplating the situation, not at all scared by the other’s actions.
Sho thought he was having a nightmare, a terrible one, and as soon as he realize this was real, in quick steps he got there and pushed Matsumoto away, pulling Nino away “Your sister is waiting for us” was his excuse as they passed by the shocked designer. Nino just could turn his head to give Jun and apologetic look.
As soon as they crossed the doors, Nino, in a fast move, pulled his hand out of Sho’s grip and rushed his steps walking ahead of Sho towards the car. Nobody talked on the way to the house; Kazumi mad at the lost opportunity, Nino embarrassed at being treated like a child, and Sho too immerse in the feelings of jealousy clouding his mind. When they arrived, the brothers got out the car without a word of goodbye, both slamming the door almost in synchrony, leaving the owner feeling guilty.
That night Sho got little sleep, thinking about what he saw, what it means and what he would do about it, if he gets the courage enough to really do something. So, apparently Kazu was gay and, of course, that Matsumoto guy too, or maybe they just didn’t care about gender; whatever it was, the point is that Sho may have a shot with Kazunari. But he was supposedly dating his sister.
Next morning he had to meet the designer again, Sho looked terrible for the sleep deprived and in his contrast, Matsumoto Jun looked radiant, as if he just didn’t had a party the night before. That alone made Sho cursed the taller guy in his mind. The interview went smoothly, taking in consideration Sho’s outburst from the night before; Matsumoto Jun was amiable and answered all his questions, far away from the reserved aura he has. Just when they were wrapping out and Sho was going to apologize, Matsumoto talked first.
“Sakurai-san, about yesterday, I want to apologize”
Sho was taken aback “Not at all, it’s me who has to do that. I’m sorry for my reaction of last night, it’s just… Kazunari…” he didn’t know what he could say, his image of the man still not clear and fear that the designer could hurt his Kazu in some way.
“I understand, he is like family to you right? Nino told me that he sister got herself a very nice guy and he was happy for her” his words were like knives to Sho’s heart.
“I-I didn’t know he thought that, he usually makes fun of me” Sho said with a bitter smile.
“Well, there you have it. He always says people who are not worth it don’t deserve his attention. He’s a little brat isn’t him?” Matsumoto had a soft expression on his face despite the remark “I think he may be scared”
“What do you mean?”
“He values your opinion and for your reaction he could think that you may not be that open to accept him as he is. But I don’t think you are that kind of people, or am I wrong?”
“I- he- Of course I will accept him… I mean, he’s Kazunari and nothing changes that. I was just surprised, that’s all. I didn’t know he was into guys”
Jun nodded “He hadn’t told his parents yet, right? It’s not an easy conversation to have; if not look at me, most people have a wrong impression of my love life”
“I see... Matsumoto-san can I ask you a private question?”
“About Nino?”
Sho nodded “I just want to make sure you aren’t toying with him, you know? Do you really like him?” Sho asked fearing the answer.
“You really do care for him” Jun thought at loud, he signed “I like him. A lot. But I think his feelings are not that clear yet” Sho saw a little sadness in his eyes but only lasted for a second “However, I’m willing to try” he said with resolution.
After that conversation, Sho walked the rest of his day looking like a zombie. Matsumoto had turned out to be a really nice guy, and his interest for Kazunari was real. Besides that, the designer was more handsome, has more money and his career is taking off. What can Sho offer? A fight with his family, that’s for sure, for breaking his “relationship” with Kazumi and coming out of the closet, but what disturb him the most it’s the self-doubt he has to openly present his relationship with another man to his family, friends and co-workers. Would he be able to accept the bad mouthing, the strange looks and even the discrimination without a word of complain, and at the same time be able to protect the one he loves? Because there’s no doubt now that he loves the skinny man. Deeply. But is love enough?
The next occasion he had a dinner with Kazumi’s family, he was determinate to assure Kazu that he thinks not wrong of him and apologize if he had make him feel insecure. While dinner was getting done and Kazumi hadn’t returned yet, Sho took the opportunity to knock on Nino’s bedroom door.
“Come in”
“Kazunari-kun” Sho enters and see him sitting comfortably in the bed with his DS in hand. Sho bits his lips before speaking, still standing awkwardly “Kazunari, I’m sorry for how I reacted that night. I hope you can forgive me”
Nino tore his eyes apart from the devise and gave him a contemplating look that made Sho very uncomfortable. “I guess it’s okay afterall. But I want to know what you’re really sorry for. Are you sorry because you saw me, because you dragged me away or are you sorry because… because it wasn’t you who was kissing me?”
“W-What?” Sho opened his eyes widely, too scared of how Kazu could read his mind.
“I’m not stupid Sho-chan” he said standing up and walking slowly toars the journalist “I see the way you look at me” getting closer “I notice because I watch you too; but I’m getting tired of just watch” He stops, his face just centimeters way from Sho’s “Aren’t you tired too?”
Sho couldn’t articulate a word, too lost in those eyes, darker now, and in that tempting mouth. Silence reigned for a minute, Kazu waiting for Sho to take the next step; but his hopes were crushed when Sho talked again. “I- I’m…” he gulped “…Matsumoto-san is a good man” was all that left his mouth, hanging his head in shame.
Nino took a step backwards and turned around to look by the window. “Please tell my mother that I’ll be down in a moment” he said curly, breaking Sho’s heart at the coldness of his voice.
Sho couldn’t blame him, he was the one on fault there, he can only let him be “Okay” and with that he left the room.
Dinner what uneventful, except that Kazu never came down, he ate in his room alone, making Sho feel more guilty. From that day on he didn’t saw Kazunari much, now the younger boy preferred to go out and hang out with friends, leaving his family wondering because he was never the social type, and Sho was almost sure that those so called friends only consisted in one guy, Matsumoto Jun.
Burying his emotions, Sho settle to just being around to get a glance or a word from the gamer. Just that would keep him going. Kazunari’s outings were that often that his parents pressured him to meet his new found friends; that’s how Sho ended out one night sitting next to Matsumoto Jun in the Ninomiya’s dinner table.
Kazumi and her mother were delighted with Jun, as he charmed them away with praises on their looks. Kazunari’s father accepted the man’s company, showing more interest when the sports topic was brought out, as both enjoyed baseball a little too much. All made Sho feeling left out, but what really annoyed the hell out of him was seeing the adoring glances the taller guy directed at Kazunari, the little whispered jokes that made his Kazu laugh cutely and the way he would stand a little too close, almost touching. All were things that he had turned down that night and he was left with nothing more than remorse.
Sho remembered his past girlfriends, how they always left him for someone else making him feel like less and unwanted and he always thought that if he was replace by someone more worth it, he may easily let go. But that was not the case, putting aside that he had wasted his chance; the thought of another man, as good as he can be, taking the one he loves, didn’t ease the pain one bit, because at the end it’s not about who you lose to, it’s what you lose that matters the most, and in this moment he had lost. Big.
It was all too much for him; using the pretext of having to work early tomorrow, Sho said his goodbye and found himself outside the house with Kazumi asking for the end of their arrangement. Apparently, she had met a guy that she likes very much and will be well received by his parents, it sounded really serious. She looked happy and Sho didn’t have the heart to make any complains. She assured him that she’ll break the news to her parents as soon as possible and she’ll take the blame for the fail relationship. With that he rushed to his apartment and just when he arrived he suddenly realized that he had seen his Kazu for the last time and didn’t have the chance to have a proper goodbye.
That night Sho cried. He had cried before at the failure of his past relationships, but now he cried for the one that never was and never will be. He cried because he was stupid, because he was a coward and let his happiness slipped through his fingers. He cried because he misses his Kazu.
Few days later, after a well-received article, Sho found himself at work getting his much wanted promotion. All the hard work had paid out but he didn’t feel happy at all, he just felt empty. His friends at work had forced him to celebrate in a karaoke-bar, that was the reason why at midnight he was drunken dialing Kazunari’s cellphone number. After several tries he finally got a respond.
“Hello, Kazu-kun” he said happily.
“Kazu? Wha- Are you drunk?!” asked Nino annoyed
Sho giggled “Maybe just a little”
Nino sighed “Where are you?” his voice was emotionless.
“I don’t know, they brought me here”
“Who are they and where the hell is here?”
“My colleagues, and I really don’t know where I am but I know one thing… I miss Kazu-kun”
Nino kept quiet for a moment “Why now?” he murmured more for himself “Put the waitress or someone sober on the phone”
“But I want to talk to Kazu-kun” Sho whined “I want Kazu-kun to talk to me, I want Kazu-kun to only look at me” he said sadly.
“Do what I said and I’ll talk to you latter”
“Promise?” Sho asked with hope.
“Just do it!” Nino yelled a little amused at Sho’s childish behavior.
When Nino arrived at the bar Sho was already alone, some friends had offered him to give him a ride but he refused saying that he was waiting for his Kazu to pick him out.
“Kazu!”
“Silence! Come on I’m only here to take you home” he helped him walked to the door.
“Are you coming with me?” Sho looked at him with eager eyes.
“Of course idiot, how else am I gonna to take you there”
“I’m sooooo happy, Kazu-kun is going to my house” Sho grinned lifting his arms in the air, losing balance and making him lean more heavily on Nino.
All the way there Sho repeated how much he had missed Kazu-kun, making Nino’s heart swell, but at the same time he was feeling bitter because after his sister announced he was no longer dating Sho, he had hope that the journalist would call him, and that never happened, killing the little hope he had. When they entered the apartment Nino was really surprise to find it very messy and kind of dirty, nothing like what he expected from an organized man like Sho. He took him to the room and pushed him on the bed.
“Where is your medicine?” Nino asked.
“Hum? I’m not sick”
“You’ll be tomorrow if you don’t take anything now, so where is it?” Nino asked losing his patience.
“In that drawer” Sho signaled and Nino took the pills and bringing a glass of water from the kitchen he offered to Sho. “Take it” he ordered.
“Don’t want to” Sho pouted and turned his head “If I take them you’re gonna leave”
“I’m gonna leave in five minutes if you take them or not” Nino snapped.
“Why?” Sho asked in a soft voice
“Sho, I don’t understand what you’re asking, I think you don’t even know what you’re saying so take the damn pills” he forceful pushed them to Sho’s mouth and he swallowed taking the water. When Nino was moving away Sho grabbed his wrist and looked deeply into those eyes that drive him crazy “Why did you come?” Nino eyes softened at Sho’s sad gaze but he didn’t respond. “I love you” he continued after a brief moment, finally putting out in the open what he had tried to suppress all this time.
Kazu felt the sincerity of those words. “You rejected me” he said in a lower tone avoiding looking directly at Sho.
“I was an idiot, I’m still one and maybe I’ll always be but… but that doesn’t mean than an idiot can’t love” Sho smiled lightly gaining more confidence as Kazu chuckled “Can you love an idiot?”
“Why now? What had changed? It’s not like your fake romance with my sister was an impediment before so what was it?”
“You knew” Sho whispered.
“I told you, I’m not stupid” Nino retorted.
Sho nodded “But I’m one. I really wanted you that day, I had wanted you since the day we met but I was too much of a coward to admit I love a man, and the whole situation with your sister just made everything worse. I thought I could live just having you around, just being close was enough for me, or so I thought, but seeing you with someone else was a lot more than I could handle so I panicked, and as much as I wanted to take you away I couldn’t” Sho continued holding back the tears “When all was over and I couldn’t see you anymore my life stopped, but I took it, I deserved the punishment and you deserve all the happiness of having a strong man by your side. But I’m a selfish man…” Sho searched for Kazu’s eyes “you being here gives me hope and even when my mind says to let you go, my heart doesn’t want to. I’m a selfish man” Sho ended whit a murmur, letting Kazu out of his grip lowering his gaze.
They stayed like that until Sho felt hands on his cheeks caressing slowly until it cupped his face forcing him to look up, only to find a grinning Kazunari “Idiot” he said affectionately “We had lost so much time with your doubts, you’re lucky that I’m willing to give you another chance so you better don’t screw-“ he didn’t get to finish as Sho launched on him to give him a short but deep kiss, tears already falling on his cheeks but a smile on his face. “I love you” Sho said holding his Kazu tightly “I love you so much”. He buried his face on his lover’s neck, leaving butterfly kisses there making the gamer giggle happily.
Minutes later they were lying on the bed contemplating each other’s, with soft caresses here and there “What’s troubling you?” Nino asked when he noticed Sho’s furrowed brow.
“Matsumoto-san” Sho looked guilty
“You think too much, Jun-kun and I are just friends”
“But he-“
“He knows” Nino cut him “He knows I can only see him like that, he has accepted it” even as Kazu was trying to sound reassuring, Sho noticed the guilt and deep care toward the designer.
“You tasted like beer” Nino complained to lighten up the mood
Sho smiled wickedly and kissed him again, this time more passionate with the purpose to make Kazunari melt in his arms. When he pulled apart he had a smug smile “I don’t see you complaining now” Kazu blushed deeply before punching the elder’s shoulder playfully, before being dragged for another kiss.
“We should sleep” Nino said tiredly.
“Don’t want to” Sho pouted “want to keep kissing my Kazu”
“Get out of me you perverted old man” Kazu pushed Sho away with little force but at the end they ended cuddling confortable and Sho noticed how, their bodies fitting perfectly against each other. “And what’s with that nickname, I don’t like it” it was turn for Nino to pout.
“But you’re my Kazu, only me can call you like that” Sho said pecking his nose
“Whatever” Nino tried to sound uninterested even with a flushed face, but something else caught his attention “How come you’re not that drunk now? Wait… were you pretending?!” Nino tried to lift his body but Sho didn’t let him
“Sakurai Sho!”
“I was, just… no so much” Sho mumbled his confession, avoiding Kazu’s glare.
Nino sighed “You truly are an idiot”
Sho grinned “Maybe. But you love me anyway”
“Hey! I never said I loved you”
“But you do” Sho trailed Kazu’s back making him shiver “Not much of an idiot anymore right?” Sho leaned to claim again that sinful mouth making the younger forget about what they were arguing about. It really worked, and after a few more kisses, all tender ones, both drifted to sleep. Dreams of a future, maybe not an easy one, but they marched through it together and that’s what counted the most. Together. For always.
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This was a request for , dorayaki_chan hope it’s good enough, and forgive me for the changes
I really need to write a MATSUMIYA next, felling bad for making Jun suffer two times on a row *hiding in shame*
Hope to be back soon, tell me if you enjoyed it :D