Half a Dream Away | STXI | PG-13 | Part 5/?
Title: Half a Dream Away V
Beta: rainbowstrlght ; special thanks to verizonhorizon
Series: STXI Academy AU
Rating: PG-13 [Eventual NC-17]
Length: ~2,100
Warnings: Enough fluff to stuff a mattress.
Summary: For lallyloo ’s prompt of lyrics: You know I dreamed about you / For twenty-nine years / Before I saw you / You know I dreamed about you / I missed you for twenty-nine years.
A/N: Ah, to be in Spock’s mind. Um, I hope this answers some questions. I also hope it raises some and that you’re left slightly confused. A bit. :D Things really kick off next chapter. And hi Amanda!
Disclaimer: Somewhere over the slash rainbow of my mind, it happened. But not in Kansas, unfortunately.
chapter I chapter II chapter III chapter IV
Spock has calculated that it all reduces down to variables.
Cadet James Kirk is the independent variable to the erratic experiment that is Spock’s life. The dependent variable is the level of restraint on Spock’s emotions.
Increased and prolonged encounters with Mr. Kirk inevitably coincide with Spock’s own elevated emotional reactions, and instability. This has been proven every time Spock has made a poor decision in the cadet’s company.
Certainly, there are extraneous variables to be considered in this equation. His fluctuating emotional stasis cannot be exclusive to the physical presence of James Kirk. Spock will not concede to this.
There are factors to take into account: His mother, for example. On days in which he speaks with her, Spock finds himself abnormally susceptible to the feelings of other Humans for the remainder of the day. Communicating with his mother on a day in which he also interacts with Mr. Kirk would certainly increase his vulnerability to the Cadet’s unprecedented behaviour.
In addition, there is the antecedent of Spock’s repose and meditation duration. As a half-Human, he is required to actively ruminate thirty-three point seven percent more than an average Vulcan. His emotions are notably difficult to bind, even with regular mental honing exercises. It is a fact that, during the duration of his... relationship with Cadet Kirk, Spock has had less inclination and energy for proper meditation.
It must also be noted that this proclivity had declined only after the second encounter with Mr. Kirk, on the beach. There had been no indication of budding difficulty in his mental disciplines beforehand; before Jim.
In conclusion, Spock understands that there is only one solution to equalising the equation of his life: Cadet James T. Kirk must be strictly avoided.
There are... additional extraneous variables; elements which are extrinsic and baffling. Certainly they can claim no scientific validity in this dilemma. And yet, Spock cannot help but consider them.
Cadet Kirk appears to be under the delusion that he knows him.
Beyond the overwhelming lust that had flooded between their interlocking fingers, there had been something else. Surpassing the unexplainable affection that had both coddled and aroused Spock, there had been a core emotion.
Recognition.
This is the final variable to the equation, should Spock choose to include it. This is the controlled variable; the element that remains the same through one-hundred percent of their encounters. Never fluctuating, never dispersing.
The cadet regards him as if they are acquaintances of the past. It is more than a superficial character quirk, as Spock had assumed on their first encounter. Every errant touch, every subtle skim of flesh-to-flesh swells with some private knowledge emanating from Kirk. From the very first, this puzzling human has spoken to Spock as a comrade; as someone special, someone trusted.
And Spock does not know why.
This very fact is plaguing him. It is a virus that has infected Spock’s very countenance; affected his daily choices. He chooses Jim, far too often.
Why? Because he must know. He must understand what is going on.
Cadet Kirk reminds Spock of a mirror he had broken when he was a child, living on Vulcan. The shards laid glittering and beautiful on the floor, but dangerous to the touch; and Spock was wary of collecting the pieces. In each splinter of glass, he saw himself: Warped, and unfamiliar; and unlike how he preferred to view himself.
Jim reflects back at him what Spock prefers not to see. And yet, Spock cannot look away from this man. There is an aspect of James Kirk that eclipses mere aesthetic superiority.
And Spock is determined to dissect the unidentifiable variable that is Cadet Kirk.
This is why he is currently scrolling through Mr. Kirk’s permanent record. Perhaps there was a moment in both of their pasts in which they had met on some level.
Spock acknowledges his own intuition that they have met before; that he has encountered Jim Kirk somewhere, at some time. He does not know when or why, however.
Another curiosity peaks Spock’s interest: If the cadet recognised Spock, and knew him, why would he not state this? Why do his thoughts on this matter remain evasive? Jim Kirk is insufferably tactile, constantly presumptuous and brash; and yet, he remains swaddled in mystery.
Spock concludes that he was not properly educated in dealing with the Human race.
A cursory glance through the pages of Cadet Kirk’s dossier gleans several facts of note: His father was Captain George Kirk of the U.S.S. Kelvin. Killed in action. War hero. Left behind two sons - Jim has never mentioned a brother - and a widow; a one Winona Kirk, née Wilde.
One James Tiberius Kirk has an extensive criminal record; mostly consisting of petty crimes and bar altercations. One instance of shooting his stepfather in the foot. When he was eleven he drove an automobile into a quarry.
He is - as Spock has suspected on several occasions - a certified genius with an eidetic memory. Such a memory gives Spock pause. Not because he has it himself, but because Jim must purposely ignore this endowment much of the time; for reasons Spock cannot compute.
Lastly, and most importantly: Aside from Cadet Kirk’s birth in space, he has never been outside the state of Iowa until now. Spock has never been to the state in his life. There is no plausible explanation for Jim’s feeling of recognition, or for Spock’s experience of tentative reciprocation.
Spock allows himself a moment to lean back in his chair, with his fingers steepled in contemplation.
It is to Spock’s frustration that he becomes distracted by the memory of thickly-lashed eyes - of an ethereal blue saturation, peering up at him, from Jim’s place between his thighs.
With more force than is necessary, Spock stabs at a few buttons on his console. He needs to contact his mother. Not only to discuss this matter with someone who comprehends the illogical workings of the Human mind, but to also forget about the utterly perplexing manner in which Jim so expertly kissed him with fingers alone.
It is late on Vulcan, but Mother is fond of calling herself a ‘night owl’. It is plausible she will be awake.
She is. Spock’s mother’s visage alleviates the tightening in his chest almost immediately.
“Spock? This is unexpected. You always call at the same time every week.”
“I apologise for the intrusion, Mother.”
His mother arches a slim brow. “You know you never need to apologise to me. I’m a mom - we love to hear from our babies.”
“Yes, well.” Spock does not know where to begin. It is difficult to ascertain what is suitable to share, and what is not.
“Spit it out, Spock,” his mother encourages with an air of humour.
“I assure you, there is nothing in my mouth.”
His mother merely tilts her head, her small mouth curving faintly. “You know what I mean. Don’t dwell so much on the wording, as the feeling you need to convey. Ninety-three percent of effective communication is nonverbal, you know.”
Spock nearly smiles. “Yes.” She seems to enjoy reminding him of this fact, even when she knows he does not have to be told twice.
There is an amiable static as Spock compartmentalises his thoughts. “Do you know a man by the name of James Kirk?”
“No, I’m sorry, honey. I can’t say that I do.”
“I did not surmise you would. Do you recall a Captain George Kirk, or Winona Kirk?”
His mother’s brow wrinkles. “You know, I do recall Captain George Kirk. But only from the news, over two decades back. Didn’t he sacrifice himself for the lives of his entire ship?”
“Indeed.” His mother does not have any information about the Kirks on a personal level. Spock’s next line of questioning is dubious, and slightly unsettling. He resists the urge to shift in his seat.
“What brought this on? Who is James Kirk?”
“I -” Spock closes his mouth, thinks it over, and begins anew. “He is a student at Starfleet Academy. We are acquaintances.”
His mother looks pleased. “A friend? Well, that’s wonderful to hear, Spock. But what does this have to do with me?”
She smiles in an alarming manner that reminds Spock of the way Jim has smiled at him in the past - Knowing. Loving. “You can tell me. You’re... fond of him, aren’t you?”
“My inquiry is related to our joint past,” Spock says, quickening his characteristic speech pattern.
“Joint past? How?”
Spock hesitates briefly. “I feel as though I have met him before. But the fact is that I have not.”
His mother nods gravely. She does not laugh at him. Spock did not think she would, but the illogical worry had lingered up until this point.
“That is certainly a conundrum. I’m assuming you have a hypothesis?”
“Unfortunately, I do not have a plausible explanation. Facts point me in one direction and intuition in another. Neither path alleviates my confusion.”
“Mmhmm. And what does James say in all of this?”
“He does not directly speak of it and nor do I.” Spock leans in slightly; face tight, voice low. “He knows certain facts about me, Mother. My personal affairs and habits, which I have never shared with another. There are instances when he speaks to me as if he has known me his entire life. I am aware of how illogical this sounds. I wish to eradicate these doubts immediately, if I could only find a reasonable explanation that encompasses everything I have experienced in this month.”
His mother is frowning directly at Spock. Her voice raises an octave. “Facts - what sort of facts does he know?”
“He knows I owned a sehlat. He is aware of my food preferences. He can - ” Spock falters, and feels his ears burn. “He can express affection in the Vulcan tradition - it’s as if he is practised. I am also under the impression that he may understand Vulcan. I encountered him in my office one evening, and he was looking through a text of Surak’s teachings. He returned the book to its shelf immediately and claimed he was simply looking.”
Spock is growing weary of speaking. Every point he extrapolates is conjecture, and he is embarrassed for his rash thought process. Now that he has voiced his doubts, he surely sounds unhinged and horribly human.
His mother presses her lips together; a gesture of deep thought. She appears hesitant. “I think it’s too soon to discount or affirm any theory at this point, Spock. Although, I need to know... this James Kirk, what does he look like?”
Spock blinks slowly. “Pardon?”
“Humour your senile mother and tell me what he looks like.”
Perhaps his mother required repose, after all. “He is of fair hair and colouring. Blue eyes. Illogically bl -” Spock abruptly shuts his mouth.
“Has he mentioned having any dreams about you, Spock?”
Spock stills completely. He is faintly aware of his heart rate slowing. “One.”
“Just one?”
“That I am aware of. What is the purpose of your inquiry?”
“Your situation sounds... familiar.”
“Why?”
“Because, if I’m correct, the same thing once happened to your father and me.”
Spock blandly notes that his breathing pattern is suboptimal. “Specify.”
His mother is looking off-screen now, distracted. “Spock, do you remember when you were seven years old?”
“Of course.”
“And we rushed you into the bonding ceremony with T’Pring before the rest of your peers?”
Spock nods silently.
“Do you remember why we rushed it?”
Spock reaches back to a time he covertly wishes his mind would overlook. The bullies and bonding; the inherent confusion that came with being the offspring of two worlds. The alienation.
“No. I can only recall attending weekly counselling sessions. I assume it was meant to be beneficial to my emotional and social growth.”
“Before that,” his mother implores. “Do you remember why we brought you to the counselling in the first place?”
“I would be grateful if you would simply enlighten me,” Spock replied tightly. His temples are beginning to pulse with the effort of uncovering a past he should apparently recollect with ease. The fact that he is encountering difficulties with his memory is disconcerting. He should be able to recall anything from his past, and yet he is standing before a blockade of sorts.
His mother’s eyes warm. “Always so impatient - just like your mom.” Her expression is grave once more; her voice quiet over the comm.
“Sarek put you in therapy because of the dreams, Spock - your dreams of James. I didn’t support the idea, but - Spock? Spock, are you all right?”
“Specify. Specify everything.”
***
chapter vi.
Beta: rainbowstrlght ; special thanks to verizonhorizon
Series: STXI Academy AU
Rating: PG-13 [Eventual NC-17]
Length: ~2,100
Warnings: Enough fluff to stuff a mattress.
Summary: For lallyloo ’s prompt of lyrics: You know I dreamed about you / For twenty-nine years / Before I saw you / You know I dreamed about you / I missed you for twenty-nine years.
A/N: Ah, to be in Spock’s mind. Um, I hope this answers some questions. I also hope it raises some and that you’re left slightly confused. A bit. :D Things really kick off next chapter. And hi Amanda!
Disclaimer: Somewhere over the slash rainbow of my mind, it happened. But not in Kansas, unfortunately.
chapter I chapter II chapter III chapter IV
Spock has calculated that it all reduces down to variables.
Cadet James Kirk is the independent variable to the erratic experiment that is Spock’s life. The dependent variable is the level of restraint on Spock’s emotions.
Increased and prolonged encounters with Mr. Kirk inevitably coincide with Spock’s own elevated emotional reactions, and instability. This has been proven every time Spock has made a poor decision in the cadet’s company.
Certainly, there are extraneous variables to be considered in this equation. His fluctuating emotional stasis cannot be exclusive to the physical presence of James Kirk. Spock will not concede to this.
There are factors to take into account: His mother, for example. On days in which he speaks with her, Spock finds himself abnormally susceptible to the feelings of other Humans for the remainder of the day. Communicating with his mother on a day in which he also interacts with Mr. Kirk would certainly increase his vulnerability to the Cadet’s unprecedented behaviour.
In addition, there is the antecedent of Spock’s repose and meditation duration. As a half-Human, he is required to actively ruminate thirty-three point seven percent more than an average Vulcan. His emotions are notably difficult to bind, even with regular mental honing exercises. It is a fact that, during the duration of his... relationship with Cadet Kirk, Spock has had less inclination and energy for proper meditation.
It must also be noted that this proclivity had declined only after the second encounter with Mr. Kirk, on the beach. There had been no indication of budding difficulty in his mental disciplines beforehand; before Jim.
In conclusion, Spock understands that there is only one solution to equalising the equation of his life: Cadet James T. Kirk must be strictly avoided.
There are... additional extraneous variables; elements which are extrinsic and baffling. Certainly they can claim no scientific validity in this dilemma. And yet, Spock cannot help but consider them.
Cadet Kirk appears to be under the delusion that he knows him.
Beyond the overwhelming lust that had flooded between their interlocking fingers, there had been something else. Surpassing the unexplainable affection that had both coddled and aroused Spock, there had been a core emotion.
Recognition.
This is the final variable to the equation, should Spock choose to include it. This is the controlled variable; the element that remains the same through one-hundred percent of their encounters. Never fluctuating, never dispersing.
The cadet regards him as if they are acquaintances of the past. It is more than a superficial character quirk, as Spock had assumed on their first encounter. Every errant touch, every subtle skim of flesh-to-flesh swells with some private knowledge emanating from Kirk. From the very first, this puzzling human has spoken to Spock as a comrade; as someone special, someone trusted.
And Spock does not know why.
This very fact is plaguing him. It is a virus that has infected Spock’s very countenance; affected his daily choices. He chooses Jim, far too often.
Why? Because he must know. He must understand what is going on.
Cadet Kirk reminds Spock of a mirror he had broken when he was a child, living on Vulcan. The shards laid glittering and beautiful on the floor, but dangerous to the touch; and Spock was wary of collecting the pieces. In each splinter of glass, he saw himself: Warped, and unfamiliar; and unlike how he preferred to view himself.
Jim reflects back at him what Spock prefers not to see. And yet, Spock cannot look away from this man. There is an aspect of James Kirk that eclipses mere aesthetic superiority.
And Spock is determined to dissect the unidentifiable variable that is Cadet Kirk.
This is why he is currently scrolling through Mr. Kirk’s permanent record. Perhaps there was a moment in both of their pasts in which they had met on some level.
Spock acknowledges his own intuition that they have met before; that he has encountered Jim Kirk somewhere, at some time. He does not know when or why, however.
Another curiosity peaks Spock’s interest: If the cadet recognised Spock, and knew him, why would he not state this? Why do his thoughts on this matter remain evasive? Jim Kirk is insufferably tactile, constantly presumptuous and brash; and yet, he remains swaddled in mystery.
Spock concludes that he was not properly educated in dealing with the Human race.
A cursory glance through the pages of Cadet Kirk’s dossier gleans several facts of note: His father was Captain George Kirk of the U.S.S. Kelvin. Killed in action. War hero. Left behind two sons - Jim has never mentioned a brother - and a widow; a one Winona Kirk, née Wilde.
One James Tiberius Kirk has an extensive criminal record; mostly consisting of petty crimes and bar altercations. One instance of shooting his stepfather in the foot. When he was eleven he drove an automobile into a quarry.
He is - as Spock has suspected on several occasions - a certified genius with an eidetic memory. Such a memory gives Spock pause. Not because he has it himself, but because Jim must purposely ignore this endowment much of the time; for reasons Spock cannot compute.
Lastly, and most importantly: Aside from Cadet Kirk’s birth in space, he has never been outside the state of Iowa until now. Spock has never been to the state in his life. There is no plausible explanation for Jim’s feeling of recognition, or for Spock’s experience of tentative reciprocation.
Spock allows himself a moment to lean back in his chair, with his fingers steepled in contemplation.
It is to Spock’s frustration that he becomes distracted by the memory of thickly-lashed eyes - of an ethereal blue saturation, peering up at him, from Jim’s place between his thighs.
With more force than is necessary, Spock stabs at a few buttons on his console. He needs to contact his mother. Not only to discuss this matter with someone who comprehends the illogical workings of the Human mind, but to also forget about the utterly perplexing manner in which Jim so expertly kissed him with fingers alone.
It is late on Vulcan, but Mother is fond of calling herself a ‘night owl’. It is plausible she will be awake.
She is. Spock’s mother’s visage alleviates the tightening in his chest almost immediately.
“Spock? This is unexpected. You always call at the same time every week.”
“I apologise for the intrusion, Mother.”
His mother arches a slim brow. “You know you never need to apologise to me. I’m a mom - we love to hear from our babies.”
“Yes, well.” Spock does not know where to begin. It is difficult to ascertain what is suitable to share, and what is not.
“Spit it out, Spock,” his mother encourages with an air of humour.
“I assure you, there is nothing in my mouth.”
His mother merely tilts her head, her small mouth curving faintly. “You know what I mean. Don’t dwell so much on the wording, as the feeling you need to convey. Ninety-three percent of effective communication is nonverbal, you know.”
Spock nearly smiles. “Yes.” She seems to enjoy reminding him of this fact, even when she knows he does not have to be told twice.
There is an amiable static as Spock compartmentalises his thoughts. “Do you know a man by the name of James Kirk?”
“No, I’m sorry, honey. I can’t say that I do.”
“I did not surmise you would. Do you recall a Captain George Kirk, or Winona Kirk?”
His mother’s brow wrinkles. “You know, I do recall Captain George Kirk. But only from the news, over two decades back. Didn’t he sacrifice himself for the lives of his entire ship?”
“Indeed.” His mother does not have any information about the Kirks on a personal level. Spock’s next line of questioning is dubious, and slightly unsettling. He resists the urge to shift in his seat.
“What brought this on? Who is James Kirk?”
“I -” Spock closes his mouth, thinks it over, and begins anew. “He is a student at Starfleet Academy. We are acquaintances.”
His mother looks pleased. “A friend? Well, that’s wonderful to hear, Spock. But what does this have to do with me?”
She smiles in an alarming manner that reminds Spock of the way Jim has smiled at him in the past - Knowing. Loving. “You can tell me. You’re... fond of him, aren’t you?”
“My inquiry is related to our joint past,” Spock says, quickening his characteristic speech pattern.
“Joint past? How?”
Spock hesitates briefly. “I feel as though I have met him before. But the fact is that I have not.”
His mother nods gravely. She does not laugh at him. Spock did not think she would, but the illogical worry had lingered up until this point.
“That is certainly a conundrum. I’m assuming you have a hypothesis?”
“Unfortunately, I do not have a plausible explanation. Facts point me in one direction and intuition in another. Neither path alleviates my confusion.”
“Mmhmm. And what does James say in all of this?”
“He does not directly speak of it and nor do I.” Spock leans in slightly; face tight, voice low. “He knows certain facts about me, Mother. My personal affairs and habits, which I have never shared with another. There are instances when he speaks to me as if he has known me his entire life. I am aware of how illogical this sounds. I wish to eradicate these doubts immediately, if I could only find a reasonable explanation that encompasses everything I have experienced in this month.”
His mother is frowning directly at Spock. Her voice raises an octave. “Facts - what sort of facts does he know?”
“He knows I owned a sehlat. He is aware of my food preferences. He can - ” Spock falters, and feels his ears burn. “He can express affection in the Vulcan tradition - it’s as if he is practised. I am also under the impression that he may understand Vulcan. I encountered him in my office one evening, and he was looking through a text of Surak’s teachings. He returned the book to its shelf immediately and claimed he was simply looking.”
Spock is growing weary of speaking. Every point he extrapolates is conjecture, and he is embarrassed for his rash thought process. Now that he has voiced his doubts, he surely sounds unhinged and horribly human.
His mother presses her lips together; a gesture of deep thought. She appears hesitant. “I think it’s too soon to discount or affirm any theory at this point, Spock. Although, I need to know... this James Kirk, what does he look like?”
Spock blinks slowly. “Pardon?”
“Humour your senile mother and tell me what he looks like.”
Perhaps his mother required repose, after all. “He is of fair hair and colouring. Blue eyes. Illogically bl -” Spock abruptly shuts his mouth.
“Has he mentioned having any dreams about you, Spock?”
Spock stills completely. He is faintly aware of his heart rate slowing. “One.”
“Just one?”
“That I am aware of. What is the purpose of your inquiry?”
“Your situation sounds... familiar.”
“Why?”
“Because, if I’m correct, the same thing once happened to your father and me.”
Spock blandly notes that his breathing pattern is suboptimal. “Specify.”
His mother is looking off-screen now, distracted. “Spock, do you remember when you were seven years old?”
“Of course.”
“And we rushed you into the bonding ceremony with T’Pring before the rest of your peers?”
Spock nods silently.
“Do you remember why we rushed it?”
Spock reaches back to a time he covertly wishes his mind would overlook. The bullies and bonding; the inherent confusion that came with being the offspring of two worlds. The alienation.
“No. I can only recall attending weekly counselling sessions. I assume it was meant to be beneficial to my emotional and social growth.”
“Before that,” his mother implores. “Do you remember why we brought you to the counselling in the first place?”
“I would be grateful if you would simply enlighten me,” Spock replied tightly. His temples are beginning to pulse with the effort of uncovering a past he should apparently recollect with ease. The fact that he is encountering difficulties with his memory is disconcerting. He should be able to recall anything from his past, and yet he is standing before a blockade of sorts.
His mother’s eyes warm. “Always so impatient - just like your mom.” Her expression is grave once more; her voice quiet over the comm.
“Sarek put you in therapy because of the dreams, Spock - your dreams of James. I didn’t support the idea, but - Spock? Spock, are you all right?”
“Specify. Specify everything.”
***
chapter vi.