I never got around to doing this XD
LOL, and now I shall make the post of DOOM! Herein lies a really long post of graduation, a hormonal sister, teenage angst (even though I'm not a teenager anymore), and elation. Proceed with caution, emo-ness can be catchy you know.
So my graduation was on Thursday, at 9 AM! I had to get there at 8 to line up and be seperated into my appropriate department and fill out paperwork, boring. And you know, I thought I had grown up a lot in 4 years, was more mature, a bit indifferent, but overall intelligent. Yet when I got into my line, and put my graduation gown, I just wanted to cry. I felt so alone and isolated. I'm not overly social in class, I'm very focused on learning, and honestly, most people at my college are such assholes. My campus is borderline Orange County, so imagine the worst stereotype of a Californian, and they actually exist here. It's like "The Hills", with more annoyances.
"Like, OMG! Ashley! We're graduating!"
"OMG! Stephanie! Dillan is so stoked!"
I know it may seem harsh, to make such broad generalizations, but a majority of the conversations I heard were like this. And all of them were dressed for clubbing, in the most whorish dresses you can imagine, with 4 inch heels. I just don't have anything in common with people like that, I mean, I will be polite to them, but there isn't much to base a friendship on with them.
So yeah, that got really off topic, but anyways, this prompted me to have moments of self-awareness. These people were all in their cliques, talking about all the parties they were going to afterwards, what new thing their daddy bought them, how many body shots they can take...And I just started thinking, "Wait, so all these people ended up in the English Department? 8 friends just all happened to choose the same major?" WTF? My line of thinking leads me to believe that they chose the degree they thought was the "easiest", or one of them chose it, and no one else knew what they wanted to do, so they all picked English as their major.
And that hurts. Although I wont go so far as to say I was forced into choosing English as my major, my parents did give me a list of agreeable majors, fields of study that they thought would be the most "beneficial" for me. I wanted to go into the studio art program, then get my degree in fine arts, but my parents told me that art wasn't a "real" career path, but more of a hobby. So these people just threw away a chance to pick whatever they wanted, just to stay with their friends? Or even just to get their parents off their backs to finally pick a major? That disgusts me. Even though I choose English, I picked the hardest emphasis I could, "Rhetoric and Composition". It was grueling, all the papers, the research, the studying. I had to learn Aristotlean rhetoric, the Tolmin model, and be able to use them effectively to persuade my audience or destroy my opponent.
But it doesn't really matter now, I was lumped together with these assholes that care more about their new BMW than what the hell they learned. Ethos, pathos, and logos be damned.
I should be disgusted with myself, I almost cried while waiting in line because I secretly, for a moment, wanted to be surrounded by my friends, all of us graduating at the same time just like we did in high school. I didn't know anyone else graduating with me. Well, I didn't know anyone well enough to really talk to, they were just people I had in a class or two, but probably forgot my name as much as I had forgotten theirs. I didn't cry, I just started to tell myself, "You need to learn to do things on your own, no one is going to hold your hand through life. You're going to be alone when you graduate, just like you'll be alone for your job interview, and self-realizations." I still just felt so alone, but a bit better. I can survive being alone, but when do you think "those people" will be able to finally do something alone?
The ceremony was nice I suppose. When we were walking out, the staff threw confetti at us, LOL, and "those people" were saying things like, "Don't throw that trash at me! It's getting stuck in my hair!" XD Then we listened to all the speeches, they called up the different departments: The Docters, the Masters, and finally the bachelors' degree receipients. It took about 3 hours, and I got sunburned on my face. It was funny, we have a new University president, and when he was giving his speech, a lot of students boo'ed. He hasn't done much for the campus except raise tuition every semester.
After that, my family went home. It was just my mother, father, sister, and brother-in-law. No aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, no anything. My extended family, especially my father's side has practically disowned us. There is no such thing as a family reunion, my grandmother doesn't send me birthday cards or call on Christmas. I don't get to listen to aunts or uncles telling me about how my parents were when they were younger. There is no extended family unit, they don't care about me or my sister, we just don't exist. And I think that makes me bitter, I saw people hugging their grandparents or just being surrounded by a group of 30+ family members, and I just felt such hatred and revulsion. They don't know what they have, they don't know how lucky they are to be loved so dearly by so many.
My extended family didn't even know I was graduating. There is no "Congratulations" from them.
But fuck it. Who cares, I'm sure there are people without parents that feel that I'm the lucky one, that they were both there for me. And I know my parents feel bad. Whenever there was "Grandparents Day" in elementary school, they would both come and tell the teacher that my grandparents lived "too far away" to come. Nevermind that I had a classmate that every year his grandparents would fly in from Guam for it.
And I even asked my mother if we could invite my godparents to come to my graduation. My mother just gave me such a sympathetic look, and said, "They're probably busy that day". I had forgotten that my godparents are also my aunt and uncle. Silly of me to hope.
We went back to campus around 4; my sister's graduation was at 5 and she was getting her Masters in Elementary Education. It was the same format as mine, it wasn't as hot though. But my sister has been in the worst of moods, she's hopped up on hormones because she had invetro fertilization, for the THIRD time. It just hasn't been taking, this last time is looking dismal as well since her blood tests are showing false positives.
What got me really mad was how much she took over the day. She rushed us out after my graduation because it was "too crowded", she rushed us out of her graduation because she "was tired". Then she made us go to some stupid dive bar where her friends were having a graduation party. I HATE HER FRIENDS. I can't stand them. I told my parents I didn't want to go, I wanted to go to a nice dinner, have a martini, and go to sleep. They still dragged me over there. It ended up being a waste because my stupid sister thought the bar was "too warm" and we left after only ONE DRINK. LOL, she was rude to her own friends, XD.
Graduation wasn't so bad. I know it may seem that I'm really bitter, bitchy, and angsty, but I'm just happy its over. The only thing I wish was different was that I had a nice graduation dinner, instead of that stupid bar fiasco. Geez, my sister is such a bitch.
I promise not to be so emo later, but I just needed to vent, err, a lot. Fuck, this post is long. I'm okay, I'm crawling out of my pit of self despair as I speak!
And at least I'm free now. That's something to be happy about! And I hope my lj cut worked, I always have the worst luck with html...
So my graduation was on Thursday, at 9 AM! I had to get there at 8 to line up and be seperated into my appropriate department and fill out paperwork, boring. And you know, I thought I had grown up a lot in 4 years, was more mature, a bit indifferent, but overall intelligent. Yet when I got into my line, and put my graduation gown, I just wanted to cry. I felt so alone and isolated. I'm not overly social in class, I'm very focused on learning, and honestly, most people at my college are such assholes. My campus is borderline Orange County, so imagine the worst stereotype of a Californian, and they actually exist here. It's like "The Hills", with more annoyances.
"Like, OMG! Ashley! We're graduating!"
"OMG! Stephanie! Dillan is so stoked!"
I know it may seem harsh, to make such broad generalizations, but a majority of the conversations I heard were like this. And all of them were dressed for clubbing, in the most whorish dresses you can imagine, with 4 inch heels. I just don't have anything in common with people like that, I mean, I will be polite to them, but there isn't much to base a friendship on with them.
So yeah, that got really off topic, but anyways, this prompted me to have moments of self-awareness. These people were all in their cliques, talking about all the parties they were going to afterwards, what new thing their daddy bought them, how many body shots they can take...And I just started thinking, "Wait, so all these people ended up in the English Department? 8 friends just all happened to choose the same major?" WTF? My line of thinking leads me to believe that they chose the degree they thought was the "easiest", or one of them chose it, and no one else knew what they wanted to do, so they all picked English as their major.
And that hurts. Although I wont go so far as to say I was forced into choosing English as my major, my parents did give me a list of agreeable majors, fields of study that they thought would be the most "beneficial" for me. I wanted to go into the studio art program, then get my degree in fine arts, but my parents told me that art wasn't a "real" career path, but more of a hobby. So these people just threw away a chance to pick whatever they wanted, just to stay with their friends? Or even just to get their parents off their backs to finally pick a major? That disgusts me. Even though I choose English, I picked the hardest emphasis I could, "Rhetoric and Composition". It was grueling, all the papers, the research, the studying. I had to learn Aristotlean rhetoric, the Tolmin model, and be able to use them effectively to persuade my audience or destroy my opponent.
But it doesn't really matter now, I was lumped together with these assholes that care more about their new BMW than what the hell they learned. Ethos, pathos, and logos be damned.
I should be disgusted with myself, I almost cried while waiting in line because I secretly, for a moment, wanted to be surrounded by my friends, all of us graduating at the same time just like we did in high school. I didn't know anyone else graduating with me. Well, I didn't know anyone well enough to really talk to, they were just people I had in a class or two, but probably forgot my name as much as I had forgotten theirs. I didn't cry, I just started to tell myself, "You need to learn to do things on your own, no one is going to hold your hand through life. You're going to be alone when you graduate, just like you'll be alone for your job interview, and self-realizations." I still just felt so alone, but a bit better. I can survive being alone, but when do you think "those people" will be able to finally do something alone?
The ceremony was nice I suppose. When we were walking out, the staff threw confetti at us, LOL, and "those people" were saying things like, "Don't throw that trash at me! It's getting stuck in my hair!" XD Then we listened to all the speeches, they called up the different departments: The Docters, the Masters, and finally the bachelors' degree receipients. It took about 3 hours, and I got sunburned on my face. It was funny, we have a new University president, and when he was giving his speech, a lot of students boo'ed. He hasn't done much for the campus except raise tuition every semester.
After that, my family went home. It was just my mother, father, sister, and brother-in-law. No aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, no anything. My extended family, especially my father's side has practically disowned us. There is no such thing as a family reunion, my grandmother doesn't send me birthday cards or call on Christmas. I don't get to listen to aunts or uncles telling me about how my parents were when they were younger. There is no extended family unit, they don't care about me or my sister, we just don't exist. And I think that makes me bitter, I saw people hugging their grandparents or just being surrounded by a group of 30+ family members, and I just felt such hatred and revulsion. They don't know what they have, they don't know how lucky they are to be loved so dearly by so many.
My extended family didn't even know I was graduating. There is no "Congratulations" from them.
But fuck it. Who cares, I'm sure there are people without parents that feel that I'm the lucky one, that they were both there for me. And I know my parents feel bad. Whenever there was "Grandparents Day" in elementary school, they would both come and tell the teacher that my grandparents lived "too far away" to come. Nevermind that I had a classmate that every year his grandparents would fly in from Guam for it.
And I even asked my mother if we could invite my godparents to come to my graduation. My mother just gave me such a sympathetic look, and said, "They're probably busy that day". I had forgotten that my godparents are also my aunt and uncle. Silly of me to hope.
We went back to campus around 4; my sister's graduation was at 5 and she was getting her Masters in Elementary Education. It was the same format as mine, it wasn't as hot though. But my sister has been in the worst of moods, she's hopped up on hormones because she had invetro fertilization, for the THIRD time. It just hasn't been taking, this last time is looking dismal as well since her blood tests are showing false positives.
What got me really mad was how much she took over the day. She rushed us out after my graduation because it was "too crowded", she rushed us out of her graduation because she "was tired". Then she made us go to some stupid dive bar where her friends were having a graduation party. I HATE HER FRIENDS. I can't stand them. I told my parents I didn't want to go, I wanted to go to a nice dinner, have a martini, and go to sleep. They still dragged me over there. It ended up being a waste because my stupid sister thought the bar was "too warm" and we left after only ONE DRINK. LOL, she was rude to her own friends, XD.
Graduation wasn't so bad. I know it may seem that I'm really bitter, bitchy, and angsty, but I'm just happy its over. The only thing I wish was different was that I had a nice graduation dinner, instead of that stupid bar fiasco. Geez, my sister is such a bitch.
I promise not to be so emo later, but I just needed to vent, err, a lot. Fuck, this post is long. I'm okay, I'm crawling out of my pit of self despair as I speak!
And at least I'm free now. That's something to be happy about! And I hope my lj cut worked, I always have the worst luck with html...