(no subject)
¶ A place in the sun
She is Wow; Minkyu-centric Pairing: Minkyu/Nanhee
Genre: angst
Rating: g
Warning: post!she is wow; A LOT OF SPOILERS SO DON'T READ IF YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED THE WHOLE DRAMA (character!death)
Word count: 2865
Summary: Minkyu doesn't ignore, erase or forget because he doesn't even try. He has made a promise not to.
But sometimes, at times like this, especially after five years, he wonders if it's not time for him to move on.'>
It's already been five years, now. It's already been five years since they ran away, five years since all these scandals have been released each one after another, five years that the accidents that should have never happened have occurred, and five years since part of the truth has been revealed yet so much more has been concealed.
It's already been five years since they left everything behind on this quiet and dark night, in this one car where the three of them had sat together, all pieces and all remains of the past carefully locked in the trunk.
They changed names as Minkyu had first suggested, and fled to the countryside for a short time: so far that no one recognized any of them here, not even Gong Junghan, not even the one who had been for years, the nation's TV announcer. There were only old people right there who couldn't even remember their faces or their names after a few time spent together and one year later, they eventually moved to America in a different city from the one Minkyu formerly studied in. It felt like a whole new word for the three of them. Sure, the youngest had already spent some years in the United States, and it didn't feel as foreign for him as it did for his parents, but being there with them -his family, his dad and his mom-, was something new. Something that he had never experienced before, and this little -simple- thing was enough to completely change his vision on things. Minkyu didn't go to high school any more after that -not that it would have been useful anyway-. His mother found a small job being an acting teacher -it's nothing that much, really, and it has taken her a while to accommodate, but it still ends up being ok- while his father found a good job that he enjoys in a broadcasting station -behind the cameras and the scripts this time-. They settled in a small but convenient flat that is nowhere near like their huge house back in Korea, but is actually more than alright.
It's alright because if they had felt like they were suffocating before, this time it finally feels like home. They don't have to hide any more, don't have to pretend to be happy and delicate and perfect all the time. They can just be themselves, overflowing with flaws and it's more than enough. They can let their windows wide open without being afraid of someone hearing them, can be messy and leave things wander on the floor without dreading that a reporter will enter their house to surprise them. They might be living in less than a hundred squared meters and somehow, breathing still feels like something much more easier to do.
Slowly and carefully, they build their family again, mend their shattered and confused hearts together and try to forget. Everything is alright as long as they ignore what has already happened and erase it from their mind as if it had never existed before.
Except, Minkyu just can't.
- - -
It's been five years since they ran away and after all this time, he finds himself wandering around the busy streets of Seoul, and everything feels different. It feels much rougher, for it has been far too long since he has put a foot on the ground of his hometown, but also more delightful, as if he is discovering the city for the first time and he likes it even more. It's like he already knows all of these houses but can't keep himself from noticing some details he has never seen before. Hearing people speaking in Korean all the time also feels a bit strange, almost out of place, but it still feels right in more ways than one and even though he has some troubles speaking at first, the habit of talking in his mother tongue soon overtake everything.
He is on his own in South Korea's great city because his parents didn't want to accompany him on his trip, and if they didn't openly voice their thoughts, Minkyu knows that the reason behind their absence is due to their fear of being recognized in a country they're not so welcomed anymore.
(and they probably did not miss it as much as he did, eventually.)
However, it doesn't bother him that much as he gets on the bus which will lead him out of the city. He quietly sits by the window and rests his cheek against it. With a small smile adorning his face, he waves to his best friend -the one he has been more than glad to see again, but who also has a life and a girlfriend and a lot of things to take care of now- before the engine starts up and leaves everything behind. He can see, if he looks to his left, the huge buildings of Seoul slowly fading away in the background only to be replaced by trees and grass and a deep sky enlightened by the sun.
The smile that is curving his lips up seems warm.
- - -
It takes no more than a hour before the bus finally reaches his destination and Minkyu enters the cemetery. The sun is bright and shines high in the sky, reflecting its rays everywhere and also on his orange carrot-like hair.
(He has actually contemplated to change it many times; but he has promised to stay as a troublemaker until he's a hundred years old, and somehow, somehow it feels like maintaining this hairstyle keeps him unchanging as time goes by. As if this color is a comforting constant in this always moving world, and the sight takes him back to five years before.)
He smiles, looking at the soft white clouds floating in the deep blue ocean above him and keeps on walking.
- - -
He makes his first stop in front of Seungi's grave. It's been so long since he's seen it, he has almost forgotten where it is -there are so much of them everywhere, he's not sure where to look for-. He's only seen it once before, when he had went to the cemetery to visit his love, then had went to Seunggi's joining his father. It had also been the day he had said he would want all his loved ones to be buried here later on, so he could visit them all at the same time.
It might be a cemetery but Minkyu finds himself thinking -almost ironically- that this place probably feels more like home than their huge house in Gagnam ever has.
(At least, there are people he can always come back to here: people that he loves, and loved him in return.)
He sits down, right there, facing the light gray stone before him. He doesn't really know if it's alright for him to do that, for he's not aware of this place's rules but actually doesn't even care. He sits down and shoots a bright smile -it might be too bright- to the rough grave and because it probably would have been what he would have done back in time, he starts talking and talking and talking. He utters incoherent things with a cheerful voice and laughs at his very own lame jokes.
The ground is not nearly comfortable and it hurts his behind at some point, but Minkyu doesn't move. Instead, he keeps telling Seungi about all the things he has never told him before. He tells him things along the lines of “I'm glad you were here even if I didn't want you at first” “I'm glad because it didn't feel as lonely as before” “I'm sorry for all the shit you got through for being gay and liking my dad” “I would have become a lawyer like you wanted to be but sadly I'm not smart enough” and above all “thank you for everything, hyung”.
( Somehow, he knows how ridiculous he probably looks because as far as his words can reach, he doesn't really think they'll matter to anyone now. If they did make it to his hyung, would it actually make any difference? Seungi is dead now, and there's no way he can take it back. He just wished he had said all these words before it had been too late, when it still actually mattered. )
After a while, Minkyu just stands up again, awkwardly pats the grave with a warm chuckle then leaves.
- - -
The second and last stop he makes is in front of the wall where Yoo NanHee rests -her and a lot of other people- and he finds her picture almost instantly.
( He tries to ignore the obvious and harrowing fact that if she's surely the prettiest among all of those who have passed away, she's also the youngest. )
He lets a sigh of relief when he catches a glance of her beautiful face and a smile is outlined on his own once more. If her face has seemed to get blurrier in his memory, fading a little more each passing day since he had left Korea, it feels right for him to recognize her in a span of a few seconds. He's been dreading the day he would forget every of her features, for he has promised not to forget her. They made the pinky promise and so far, he hasn't broken any of these, hasn't crushed any of his commitments.
Minkyu might be a troublemaker, but he's one to hold his promises -even the unspoken ones- and has values he's not ready to let go of yet.
He's still fearing it will happen one day though, for what only remain of Yoo NanHee are a picture, a name and a date, attached to a wall here in Korea -way too far to his new home-.
(A shell as pure and frail as her own and heartbreaking memories which seem to tear his insides apart each passing second and fade a bit more every time he tries to keep them from falling into pieces and vanish into nothingness; are the only ones he owns.)
His grin is genuine when he witnesses the sunshine illuminating the spot where his love is resting. She was right all along, this was probably the best place to be buried after she passed away, for she has eventually found her place in the sun.
He doesn't sit down this time -he wouldn't be tall enough to reach her picture anyway-, sticks a flower to the side of her case and just talks to her for hours.
He tells her how much he has missed her and how much he keeps missing her smile, her voice, her pretty face and her everything. He tells her about how he hasn't broken any of his promises, how he is still the same troublemaker as he used to be, how he hasn't cried like a loser and hasn't cried at all after she passed away on his back. He tells her that he still smiles as much as before, but since she had not forbidden him to miss her, his smile often falters when he thinks about her. He tells her how he has tried to talk to his hyung before he also left him and tells her about the improvement in his relationship with his parents.
Mostly, he tells her that he hasn't forgotten her, and that he will never, until the very end, just like he has promised.
He tells her about what happened during those five years, how he has grown up, how he would have been the most amazing husband on earth, how his simple job is, how he has made some friends there in America but how he still misses Korea once in a while.
He talks for hours and tells her about everything.
- - -
He eventually leaves when the sun has set and the night is clear, stars shining proudly above his head as the city is far away.
- - -
He has told her about everything, about what has happened during those five years ever since he had been left alone by two of his most precious persons, and they had ran away from their former lives.
He has told her about how, slowly and carefully, they had built their family again, putting one piece after another each day in order to make it a home they would be looking forward to come back to.
(However a haven isn't a Lego house and if they manage to make the pieces fit together, some are still missing and the puzzle will probably never be completed.)
He has told her about how they had mended their shattered and confused hearts together and had tried to forget.
The truth is, everything should be alright as long as they ignore what has already happened and erase it from their mind as if it had never existed before.
Except Minkyu doesn't.
Minkyu doesn't ignore, erase or forget because he doesn't even try. He has made a promise not to.
- - -
It's only when Minkyu is on the plane back to California and that they are so high that you can't see anything else than a dark sky and clouds through the small window, that he finally takes the time to think about his life.
The man besides him is sleeping, and except for the constant buzzes the engine makes, the whole plane seems silent. The lights are off, and since he isn't tired enough to sleep and doesn't have the heart to watch a movie, he just leans on his right, closes his eyes, and thinks.
In five years, he hasn't broken any of the promises he has made to Nanhee. Not even one.
On the other hand, a lot of other things has changed in only five years. Starting with him: Gong Minkyu. He has matured a lot -and it all started when he had met her, even before she died, when he had learned that she was sick and he was about to lose her forever- and has seen a lot of other things. Even though he's still as skinny as before, his shoulders seems a bit broader and he looks manlier now. His relationship with his family has changed, his friends have too, and he's not living in Korea anymore, doesn't even know if he wants to get back for good one day to grow old there. He has undeniably grown over these five years and if everything feels different around him, he actually wonders if it's not mainly because he is the one who has changed in the first place.
Nanhee is his first love, the one who will own his heart until he's a hundred years old.
But sometimes, at times like this, especially after five years, he wonders if it's not time for him to move on.
He wonders if it's not time for him to actually forget.
For there are times where he wants to break all of them -all these meaningful and heartbreaking promises-, where he wants to dye his hair back to black because he's older now, times where he wants to break free from his family and see the world by himself, times where he wants to break down and cry as his shoulders feel heavy from all the tears he hasn't shed. Mostly, there are times where he just wants to forget everything and actually start anew.
Because Seunggi won't comeback. He has told these words to his father too many times already, and has witnessed the raw hurt that flash in his eyes every time before he bitterly reply “I know”.
If his hyung won't comeback, neither will NanHee. And even if he knows it, there are times where he really wishes he could forget. Because if he knows, he should be able to move on, to look at a lawyer's placard without feeling his heart clench painfully in his chest or look at a girl without actually feeling as if he's cheating on his late love. The thing is, he isn't able to move on.
- - -
Minkyu can't bring himself to move on, or even break any of these promises.
Minkyu can't bring himself to do anything of what he would wish for himself.
- - -
He thinks about Nanhee's picture on the wall of the graveyard , thinks about the ground filled with flowers and the deep blue sky almost free from clouds. He thinks about the soft wind grazing his skin, thinks about the faint scent of grass lingering in the air and the bright sun shining above everything, enlightening the whole area with a warm feeling.
He thinks that if NanHee has eventually found her place in the sun, then maybe he should do the same.
- - -
He doesn't.
(mainly because if Minkyu wants to find his own place he doesn't know where to start looking for it at all, for he has already considered her as his sun for far too long to do so.)
A/N: Initially words vomit (meant to be a drabble at first), so i hope it still make enough sense. I think I wanted to add something else but i forgot so well... I wanted to add that this I don't have a beta and that english is not my native language so if there are mistakes (I'm sure there are), I'm sorry!
She is Wow; Minkyu-centric Pairing: Minkyu/Nanhee
Genre: angst
Rating: g
Warning: post!she is wow; A LOT OF SPOILERS SO DON'T READ IF YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED THE WHOLE DRAMA (character!death)
Word count: 2865
Summary: Minkyu doesn't ignore, erase or forget because he doesn't even try. He has made a promise not to.
But sometimes, at times like this, especially after five years, he wonders if it's not time for him to move on.'>
It's already been five years, now. It's already been five years since they ran away, five years since all these scandals have been released each one after another, five years that the accidents that should have never happened have occurred, and five years since part of the truth has been revealed yet so much more has been concealed.
It's already been five years since they left everything behind on this quiet and dark night, in this one car where the three of them had sat together, all pieces and all remains of the past carefully locked in the trunk.
They changed names as Minkyu had first suggested, and fled to the countryside for a short time: so far that no one recognized any of them here, not even Gong Junghan, not even the one who had been for years, the nation's TV announcer. There were only old people right there who couldn't even remember their faces or their names after a few time spent together and one year later, they eventually moved to America in a different city from the one Minkyu formerly studied in. It felt like a whole new word for the three of them. Sure, the youngest had already spent some years in the United States, and it didn't feel as foreign for him as it did for his parents, but being there with them -his family, his dad and his mom-, was something new. Something that he had never experienced before, and this little -simple- thing was enough to completely change his vision on things. Minkyu didn't go to high school any more after that -not that it would have been useful anyway-. His mother found a small job being an acting teacher -it's nothing that much, really, and it has taken her a while to accommodate, but it still ends up being ok- while his father found a good job that he enjoys in a broadcasting station -behind the cameras and the scripts this time-. They settled in a small but convenient flat that is nowhere near like their huge house back in Korea, but is actually more than alright.
It's alright because if they had felt like they were suffocating before, this time it finally feels like home. They don't have to hide any more, don't have to pretend to be happy and delicate and perfect all the time. They can just be themselves, overflowing with flaws and it's more than enough. They can let their windows wide open without being afraid of someone hearing them, can be messy and leave things wander on the floor without dreading that a reporter will enter their house to surprise them. They might be living in less than a hundred squared meters and somehow, breathing still feels like something much more easier to do.
Slowly and carefully, they build their family again, mend their shattered and confused hearts together and try to forget. Everything is alright as long as they ignore what has already happened and erase it from their mind as if it had never existed before.
Except, Minkyu just can't.
- - -
It's been five years since they ran away and after all this time, he finds himself wandering around the busy streets of Seoul, and everything feels different. It feels much rougher, for it has been far too long since he has put a foot on the ground of his hometown, but also more delightful, as if he is discovering the city for the first time and he likes it even more. It's like he already knows all of these houses but can't keep himself from noticing some details he has never seen before. Hearing people speaking in Korean all the time also feels a bit strange, almost out of place, but it still feels right in more ways than one and even though he has some troubles speaking at first, the habit of talking in his mother tongue soon overtake everything.
He is on his own in South Korea's great city because his parents didn't want to accompany him on his trip, and if they didn't openly voice their thoughts, Minkyu knows that the reason behind their absence is due to their fear of being recognized in a country they're not so welcomed anymore.
(and they probably did not miss it as much as he did, eventually.)
However, it doesn't bother him that much as he gets on the bus which will lead him out of the city. He quietly sits by the window and rests his cheek against it. With a small smile adorning his face, he waves to his best friend -the one he has been more than glad to see again, but who also has a life and a girlfriend and a lot of things to take care of now- before the engine starts up and leaves everything behind. He can see, if he looks to his left, the huge buildings of Seoul slowly fading away in the background only to be replaced by trees and grass and a deep sky enlightened by the sun.
The smile that is curving his lips up seems warm.
- - -
It takes no more than a hour before the bus finally reaches his destination and Minkyu enters the cemetery. The sun is bright and shines high in the sky, reflecting its rays everywhere and also on his orange carrot-like hair.
(He has actually contemplated to change it many times; but he has promised to stay as a troublemaker until he's a hundred years old, and somehow, somehow it feels like maintaining this hairstyle keeps him unchanging as time goes by. As if this color is a comforting constant in this always moving world, and the sight takes him back to five years before.)
He smiles, looking at the soft white clouds floating in the deep blue ocean above him and keeps on walking.
- - -
He makes his first stop in front of Seungi's grave. It's been so long since he's seen it, he has almost forgotten where it is -there are so much of them everywhere, he's not sure where to look for-. He's only seen it once before, when he had went to the cemetery to visit his love, then had went to Seunggi's joining his father. It had also been the day he had said he would want all his loved ones to be buried here later on, so he could visit them all at the same time.
It might be a cemetery but Minkyu finds himself thinking -almost ironically- that this place probably feels more like home than their huge house in Gagnam ever has.
(At least, there are people he can always come back to here: people that he loves, and loved him in return.)
He sits down, right there, facing the light gray stone before him. He doesn't really know if it's alright for him to do that, for he's not aware of this place's rules but actually doesn't even care. He sits down and shoots a bright smile -it might be too bright- to the rough grave and because it probably would have been what he would have done back in time, he starts talking and talking and talking. He utters incoherent things with a cheerful voice and laughs at his very own lame jokes.
The ground is not nearly comfortable and it hurts his behind at some point, but Minkyu doesn't move. Instead, he keeps telling Seungi about all the things he has never told him before. He tells him things along the lines of “I'm glad you were here even if I didn't want you at first” “I'm glad because it didn't feel as lonely as before” “I'm sorry for all the shit you got through for being gay and liking my dad” “I would have become a lawyer like you wanted to be but sadly I'm not smart enough” and above all “thank you for everything, hyung”.
( Somehow, he knows how ridiculous he probably looks because as far as his words can reach, he doesn't really think they'll matter to anyone now. If they did make it to his hyung, would it actually make any difference? Seungi is dead now, and there's no way he can take it back. He just wished he had said all these words before it had been too late, when it still actually mattered. )
After a while, Minkyu just stands up again, awkwardly pats the grave with a warm chuckle then leaves.
- - -
The second and last stop he makes is in front of the wall where Yoo NanHee rests -her and a lot of other people- and he finds her picture almost instantly.
( He tries to ignore the obvious and harrowing fact that if she's surely the prettiest among all of those who have passed away, she's also the youngest. )
He lets a sigh of relief when he catches a glance of her beautiful face and a smile is outlined on his own once more. If her face has seemed to get blurrier in his memory, fading a little more each passing day since he had left Korea, it feels right for him to recognize her in a span of a few seconds. He's been dreading the day he would forget every of her features, for he has promised not to forget her. They made the pinky promise and so far, he hasn't broken any of these, hasn't crushed any of his commitments.
Minkyu might be a troublemaker, but he's one to hold his promises -even the unspoken ones- and has values he's not ready to let go of yet.
He's still fearing it will happen one day though, for what only remain of Yoo NanHee are a picture, a name and a date, attached to a wall here in Korea -way too far to his new home-.
(A shell as pure and frail as her own and heartbreaking memories which seem to tear his insides apart each passing second and fade a bit more every time he tries to keep them from falling into pieces and vanish into nothingness; are the only ones he owns.)
His grin is genuine when he witnesses the sunshine illuminating the spot where his love is resting. She was right all along, this was probably the best place to be buried after she passed away, for she has eventually found her place in the sun.
He doesn't sit down this time -he wouldn't be tall enough to reach her picture anyway-, sticks a flower to the side of her case and just talks to her for hours.
He tells her how much he has missed her and how much he keeps missing her smile, her voice, her pretty face and her everything. He tells her about how he hasn't broken any of his promises, how he is still the same troublemaker as he used to be, how he hasn't cried like a loser and hasn't cried at all after she passed away on his back. He tells her that he still smiles as much as before, but since she had not forbidden him to miss her, his smile often falters when he thinks about her. He tells her how he has tried to talk to his hyung before he also left him and tells her about the improvement in his relationship with his parents.
Mostly, he tells her that he hasn't forgotten her, and that he will never, until the very end, just like he has promised.
He tells her about what happened during those five years, how he has grown up, how he would have been the most amazing husband on earth, how his simple job is, how he has made some friends there in America but how he still misses Korea once in a while.
He talks for hours and tells her about everything.
- - -
He eventually leaves when the sun has set and the night is clear, stars shining proudly above his head as the city is far away.
- - -
He has told her about everything, about what has happened during those five years ever since he had been left alone by two of his most precious persons, and they had ran away from their former lives.
He has told her about how, slowly and carefully, they had built their family again, putting one piece after another each day in order to make it a home they would be looking forward to come back to.
(However a haven isn't a Lego house and if they manage to make the pieces fit together, some are still missing and the puzzle will probably never be completed.)
He has told her about how they had mended their shattered and confused hearts together and had tried to forget.
The truth is, everything should be alright as long as they ignore what has already happened and erase it from their mind as if it had never existed before.
Except Minkyu doesn't.
Minkyu doesn't ignore, erase or forget because he doesn't even try. He has made a promise not to.
- - -
It's only when Minkyu is on the plane back to California and that they are so high that you can't see anything else than a dark sky and clouds through the small window, that he finally takes the time to think about his life.
The man besides him is sleeping, and except for the constant buzzes the engine makes, the whole plane seems silent. The lights are off, and since he isn't tired enough to sleep and doesn't have the heart to watch a movie, he just leans on his right, closes his eyes, and thinks.
In five years, he hasn't broken any of the promises he has made to Nanhee. Not even one.
On the other hand, a lot of other things has changed in only five years. Starting with him: Gong Minkyu. He has matured a lot -and it all started when he had met her, even before she died, when he had learned that she was sick and he was about to lose her forever- and has seen a lot of other things. Even though he's still as skinny as before, his shoulders seems a bit broader and he looks manlier now. His relationship with his family has changed, his friends have too, and he's not living in Korea anymore, doesn't even know if he wants to get back for good one day to grow old there. He has undeniably grown over these five years and if everything feels different around him, he actually wonders if it's not mainly because he is the one who has changed in the first place.
Nanhee is his first love, the one who will own his heart until he's a hundred years old.
But sometimes, at times like this, especially after five years, he wonders if it's not time for him to move on.
He wonders if it's not time for him to actually forget.
For there are times where he wants to break all of them -all these meaningful and heartbreaking promises-, where he wants to dye his hair back to black because he's older now, times where he wants to break free from his family and see the world by himself, times where he wants to break down and cry as his shoulders feel heavy from all the tears he hasn't shed. Mostly, there are times where he just wants to forget everything and actually start anew.
Because Seunggi won't comeback. He has told these words to his father too many times already, and has witnessed the raw hurt that flash in his eyes every time before he bitterly reply “I know”.
If his hyung won't comeback, neither will NanHee. And even if he knows it, there are times where he really wishes he could forget. Because if he knows, he should be able to move on, to look at a lawyer's placard without feeling his heart clench painfully in his chest or look at a girl without actually feeling as if he's cheating on his late love. The thing is, he isn't able to move on.
- - -
Minkyu can't bring himself to move on, or even break any of these promises.
Minkyu can't bring himself to do anything of what he would wish for himself.
- - -
He thinks about Nanhee's picture on the wall of the graveyard , thinks about the ground filled with flowers and the deep blue sky almost free from clouds. He thinks about the soft wind grazing his skin, thinks about the faint scent of grass lingering in the air and the bright sun shining above everything, enlightening the whole area with a warm feeling.
He thinks that if NanHee has eventually found her place in the sun, then maybe he should do the same.
- - -
He doesn't.
(mainly because if Minkyu wants to find his own place he doesn't know where to start looking for it at all, for he has already considered her as his sun for far too long to do so.)
A/N: Initially words vomit (meant to be a drabble at first), so i hope it still make enough sense. I think I wanted to add something else but i forgot so well... I wanted to add that this I don't have a beta and that english is not my native language so if there are mistakes (I'm sure there are), I'm sorry!