Seize the Moment
As always, click here for Master List of Fics.Title: Seize the Moment
Characters: Felipe Massa, Kimi Räikkönen
Rating: Green Flag
Summary: After their crash in Silverstone, Felipe finally goes to see Kimi.
Disclaimer: Fiction. Not real.
A/N: Written for this prompt on motorskink...although it doesn't actually match the prompt at all. Oops. Set in 2014.
He replays it in his head on his way back to the pits: a car going wide on the right, a cloud of dust, a flash of red sweeping across the track, the impact. Kimi. The team told him Kimi is fine, but that he’s been taken to the medical center. It doesn’t really sound fine to him.
“You okay?” Rob asks him when he finally arrives back at the garage. Felipe nods, showing him that all his limbs are working by waving them around.
Rob smiles and gives him a hug. “He asked about you,” he says casually when he releases him.
Felipe raises his eyebrows, a small glimmer of hope forming in the pit of his stomach, but he doesn’t let it get too far. He’s done that too many times before. “Who asked?”
Rob shoots him a knowing look. “First thing he said after the crash.”
Felipe tries to suppress the smile tugging at his lips. “What did he say?”
Rob shoves him towards the exit. “I’m not a parrot. Just go see him.”
Felipe makes his way to the medical center as soon as he can, although not nearly soon enough for his liking, being stopped for interviews along the way. He finds Kimi sitting quietly on a bed, busying himself with his phone. A few Ferrari members are still here, familiar faces, many of them friends, and they acknowledge him when they notice him.
“You’re okay,” Kimi smiles when Felipe reaches his bedside.
“Am okay, you?” He asks. “They say hip and ankle are bad.”
“It’s alright,” Kimi shrugs and moves his feet. “Not broken.”
“That’s good,” Felipe says. He doesn’t know what else to say. They haven’t talked, really talked, in ages. It’s not because there aren’t things he wants to say, but it’s never the right time or the right place. The medical center is one of those wrong places. “So what happened?” He begins asking, but answers his own question. “Let me guess, you spun,” Felipe says just as Kimi answers.
“I spun,” the Finn says with a naughty grin before his expression becomes solemn again. “Sorry about your race.”
“There will be another one, a better one. We’re not done yet,” Felipe says with familiar words. There’s a moment when their eyes meet that throws Felipe back years ago, six years to be exact, back when they were still teammates. He can see it in Kimi’s eyes too, the words bringing them back to a time when those same words were spoken in darkness, only a whisper in Felipe’s ear while he listened to the sound of Kimi’s heart, soothed by the rhythm. He had lost the championship and Kimi had held him close all night, protected him from himself.
He wants to hug Kimi, to wrap his arms tightly around the Finn and squeeze hard, cheek pressed against his chest the way he used to. He wants to feel the rough fingers brush over the nape of his neck. He misses it. He misses him. But they’re in public. Wrong place.
“Get well soon,” he says under the scrutiny of everyone around. He gives a small wave and walks out, heading back to Williams.
“How’d it go?” Rob asks, pulling him aside and away from curious ears. “Did you talk?”
“Yes. No. Was too many people there.”
“You’re gonna have to deal with it eventually Felipe. Talk to him, tell him how you feel, or move on.”
“Is not easy.”
“No one said it is, but you’re a grown man. Grow some balls.”
“I have balls,” Felipe mutters under his breath, putting the sunglasses back on his face.
Felipe stops his car in Kimi’s driveway, turning off the ignition, but his hand lingers around the key. He can still turn back, leave before Kimi sees him. He has no reason being here. They had said their goodbyes a long time ago, the day Kimi left Ferrari. They had both agreed it’d be easier that way, that being apart wouldn’t work out. He doesn’t know why he agreed to such a stupid idea. He has regretted it ever since. But Kimi never said anything to him, never called to say he missed him. Even after Kimi came back to F1, he never said anything. So Felipe had kept his distance. He doesn’t want to anymore though, not with Kimi hurt, not when his heart still breaks into a million pieces at the thought of losing him whenever the Ferrari hits a wall. If the Finn wants him gone then he can tell him, but he’s at least going to try.
He rings the doorbell and waits for an answer. When there is none, Felipe sneaks around the back to the yard. He’s greeted by Kimi’s dog, which thankfully still recognizes him. Their first meeting had been one Felipe still told stories about. He had climbed the fence to get away from the barking, growling, dog while Kimi laughed his arse off.
“Felipe?” a voice calls from the side. Felipe gives the dog a final ear scratch and walks towards the voice, Kimi calling from where he's stretched out enjoying the sun.
“Hi,” Felipe says, walking slowly and with an uncertain smile. Suddenly all the words that he had rehearsed, all the possibilities of what to say, all of them are gone. He stands still in front of Kimi feeling like the air is being squeezed out of his lungs, his heart pounding in his chest. “Was scared for you. The crash, it was bad. I thought, you were not getting out…I thought…”
He doesn’t know how he ended up on his knees but now he can’t take his eyes away from the bruises that colour the Finn’s chest. He reaches out with trembling fingers to reassure himself that Kimi is okay, that he really is still there.
Kimi sits up and lifts Felipe’s hands from where they touch his skin, holding them reassuringly. “It’s only bruises, nothing broken.”
Felipe nods and forces a smile, but his hands and his entire body are still shaking. “Thought I would lose you,” Felipe says and takes a deep breath to try and calm himself. “Cannot lose you again. Is too hard.”
Kimi’s head snaps up, looking at him with wide eyes. “You didn’t lose me,” he says, holding Felipe’s hands more firmly. “You never lost me, but we decided, together, when I left. You were okay with it.”
Felipe frees his hands from Kimi, drying his eyes with his palm. “Was stupid of us, of me. Did not know I would miss you so much.”
Kimi curls a hand at the back of Felipe’s neck, pulling Felipe flush against him as he wraps his other arm around him. “Missed you too, kulta.”
Felipe closes his eyes and smiles, hugging Kimi like he’s wanted to do for so long. There are so many things he still wants to say and even more he would like to hear, but for the moment he’s happy just clinging to Kimi. It can’t replace all the years they spent apart or all the moments they lost, but Kimi clings back, and that’s enough for now.
.