I forgot to upload this.
Highlights from music camp:
Day 1
-Arrived without problem. Met a relatively attractive guy, Scott, who was obviously gay (he had a pride ring on). We hit it off fairly well, but there is no attraction to one another. It's a friendship. He's madly in love, I'm madly single. All's well. We found out our counsellors. I had the luck of getting the hottest one. He's young, probably no older than 24. His body is wonderful. He's straight, though. He's engaged to a beautiful blonde. My roommate is very, very, very cute. Almost on par, if not better than Brandon. They're actually quite similar in appearance and action, though Ryan is a bit more religious and quite obviously more musical. He is, however, an average person of average intellect with little interesting to say. He's rich, both by his own work and provisions from his family. He moans and talks in his sleep. It's a bit odd. It sounds almost as if he were masturbating, but I was unable to tell if he was. There's no way I can safely come out to him without making the next few days awkward. And, because none of you want to know this and I'm a moron, I managed to safely and quietly get off while he was asleep five feet away. Save not having the ability to scream in exctasy, it was one of the best orgasms I've ever had.
There's this boy here I'm going to get. I swear it.
Day 2
-I awoke, showered, and started the day with very little problem. Unfortunately, I forgot my happy pill for the morning. I didn't seem too bothered until this camp became something typical. More on that later. I went to all my classes, which are all fairly uninteresting and uninspiring. I'm not pleased with what I'm required to perform for a concert. Not only am I working with someone at a lower level than myself, but we're playing two contemporary duets, both by the same composer. One is a boogie woogie, which in itself is absolutely offensive, and the other is something overly sentimental and fakely romantic. My theory class is full of seventh graders who can barely identify the notes in the bass clef. I'm switching out of that. Lunch was okay. My line of sight was, unfortunately, obscured by one Kash Pontarolo, whom you'll remember from my early LJ entries. I fucking hate him. I've made a group of friends that all seem pretty decent. There's Scott, the fag, Julie, the...something. Dawsom is a 14 year old Asian pianist. She's absolutely amazing. Already she is on par with entry level Juiliard students. If she attempted it, she could get in with a full scholarship. Her friend, Alice (I think...maybe not), is equally amazing. They have a cute friend, Reese, but he's a little young. Too bad. There's Ryan, but I don't know what it is with him. There's this one guy, I have no fucking clue who he is, but I'm in love with him. I'm trying to figure out if he's gay or not. His group of friends consists of...well, fag hag types, but something about him seems very straight. And then you look at him and notice how incredibly well groomed he is. He's gorgeous. I'll find out tomorrow if he's gay or not.
Oh, yeah. We have to do a skit depicting the life and death of a composer. Ours is going to be awesome. My partner is Julie. I'm going to perform Chopin's music, while her and our cute Music Appreciation instructor act out the relationship between George Sand and Frederic Chopin. It'll be great. I'm not sure I have enough time to prepare an arrangement of the pieces I want to incorporate into the skit, though. Oh well.
There are an absolute shitload of cute boys here. They're fucking hott hott hott hott hottt hotttt hototttohtohtohtohtohtohtohtohtoht*orgasm*. You get the point. Just...imagine this teeming mass of beautiful guys of all types and walks of life...and...try not to scream too loudly when it gets to the point where you can no longer hold back an orgasm. I could go on forever about the guys, but that would bore me and you. Let's see what day three brings...I might come out to Ryan. Maybe. If he asks, I'm not going to lie. Otherwise, I'll live my happy gay little life in my computer.
Day 3
-Today was quite a bit more interesting than the other days. Ryan slept in his boxers. It made me quite happy. I awoke to the site of his naked back gazing at me, daring me to try something. And while I'm speaking of Ryan, I'm quite seriously considering coming out to him, or, at the very least, making up some bullshit lie and saying I'm either "open-minded" or bisexual. Yeah, right. Allow me to skip ahead to the events that transpired in the evening, as that will better explain my quasi-decision.
We attended a play, Deathtrap, for the evening event. Every night, we have a concert or some other formal thing to attend. It's quite fun. The play, Deathtrap, was basically a suspense/thriller. Quite good. One of the first lines in the play, in the first scene of the first act, was something to the effect of: "Really? I thought he was coming out of the closet or something..." I wasn't really thinking too much of it. Then, another character is introduced and a man-to-man kiss ensues. The audience gasps, saying things such as "fuckin' fags," "sick," and so on. Me, and Scott, we just sit there staring. Julie, too. Heh, I looked around to spot the gay ones. Quite a good number of the cuter boys are at least not homophobic. That's encouraging. Anyway, intermission comes, and Scott is feeling quite disturbed. He's the type of guy that wants everyone to know he's gay, but he doesn't want them to say anything about it, even if they're against homosexuality. He took off his pride ring and sat there, shaking, considering leaving. He managed to calm down by the time the second act started, saying "I've had a change of heart. Fuck them." Scott, if you're reading this, I applaud you. Me? I was amused. I get quite the adrenaline rush when I feel an argument or tension about to occur of a rather immaterial subject. In the second act, there's a joke about sharing a bed (between the two males). When the curtain opened for that act, the rather stereotypically portrayed character, is seen wearing a pink shirt with a darker pink sweater tied around his neck in golfer fashion. Upon seeing this, some asshole in the audience felt it necessary to shout the word "faggot." I responded with a quiet, but audible, "asshole."
Anyway, this is what prompted my quasi-decision. I'm hoping, since the play was...stereotypical and quite forward, as well as highly entertaining, it will be the subject of the pre-sleep discussions that take place 'tween Ryan and myself. He has a new girl in his life, too. If he brings that up, maybe I'll get lucky and he'll ask me questions of myself, to which I'll respond honestly.
The day itself went by with little to note. Classes went well, I played well today, I learned how to play a glissando without killing my fingers, and the food was tolerable. I didn't even have to stare at Kash today. Dasom and Alice, as to be expected, amazed me consistently throughout the day with both their playing and singing. Scott sings well, too. He plays better than me, though he denies it. I got a positive response from Dasom about the theme to my now discarded concerto. Perhaps I'll resume writing it when I'm thirty, but currently, my project is a sonata in D minor.
And now, the pizza comes, Ryan comes with it, and my life will either be made much easier or a living hell for the next few days. In any case, I'm only required to sleep in the same room as Ryan. He's still cute, but I'm over him. I have a crush on a guy I'm pretty sure Kash is fucking (they're in the same camp...asshole), and the cute boy I mentioned in the highlights of day one. I still haven't found a suitable way to find out his sexuality, however. We have no mutual acquaintances. Disappointing, but I'll live.
I bid you adeiu, fair computer. Whisk me to sleep with Beethoven, then fall asleep yourself. And reader, to you, I hope you're not enjoying this journal too much.
Day 4
-Today was not so good. I did remember my stupid happy pills, but I think it's time to up the dosage. It seems to be getting worse and worse, and the world is becoming the hell it once was. I awoke, practiced, ate, listened to Dasom play through her Prokofiev sonata (No. 3, Op. 38), and then hell began. The first class of the day is Piano Master Class, where we go through important works of the eras of music and each person performs one piece. My piece was Chopin's Prelude in C minor, Op. 28 or something. I played through it pretty well until the end, where I lost track of the chords and sight reading failed me. Then, I got a very, very disappointing response from the others in the class. Lisa, the teacher, noted problems with my phrasing. Paul, the only other really good male pianist in camp, noted problems with my dynamics. I was hoping to perform stunningly, as I do typically (even Dasom has heard me play that piece with no problems and said it's good), but I failed. Technique class was boring. Piano Lit. was fairly interesting, since we discussed the romantic era. Unfortunately, Diane got her facts wrong with Wagner (The Ring Cycle is not based on Lord of the Rings, thanks). Then lunch, boring. Ensamble class was disappointing, too. I don't like the pieces we've been given, nor do I like my partner (she does not shower and wears the same clothes over and over). Because of this, I'm not playing either piece as well as I could be, and now we're getting a piece a second grader good sight read blindfolded. I feel like shit for disappointing the teacher. I'm capable of much better. I'm not going to do good with our Chopin skit for Music Appreciation, either. I can't find any suitable transitions from piece to piece. Oh well. We're not getting graded, and ours is better than anyone else's. The rest of the day went by rather boringly. We had an honors concert. Dasom and Alice played their pieces perfectly.
Ryan's cute. I still don't know if I'll come out or not. Oh well. It doesn't really matter much, aside from the offense I take when he displays his ignorance.
And now, I sleep.
P.S. The cute boy I've been oggling over is Travis. (I think I got a picture of him, but I'm not sure how it'll turn out.)
Day 5 (One more day left...)
-Today was amazing. I'm not sure why it was so good, but everything just went right. Scott and Julie provide great entertainment. There are no highlights from the day, so I have little to write. I played the piano almost perfectly today. It made me quite happy. Ryan and Lindsey, his sort-of girlfriend look cute together. I got a picture of them. Um...shit. There's nothing else to tell. I got pictures of stuff. And...uh, the duet pieces are finally coming together, despite the incompetence of myself and my partner. There are about 900 football players here. Approximately 2/3 of them have great bodies and wear tight shirts or the shirts with gaping holes down the side that display their finely chiseled works of art. Unfortunately, only about 100 or so of them are cute. Oh well.
We'll see what happens tomorrow at the concert. I'm almost scared. Almost.
Day 6
-It's sad to see everything come to a close. In various aspects, it feels as if I've been here for years and been friends with these people for a lifetime. But then, it's only been six days. That's barely enough time to cover the last year of history in each of our lives. Today was sad, but good. Everyone was in a really good mood, despite being stressed out over the performance. My own performance went well; much better than I had expected it to. The only problem arised from Jessica speeding up and playing measures ahead of me. It was unnoticable unless you were familiar with the piece. To be expected, Dasom and Kim played their Debussy and other piece brilliantly (well, almost. The Debussy suffered from a severe lack of phrasing, breathing, and what have you). The rest of the concert was simply blah. It was mostly jazz or twentieth century music. Travis, my lover, sat in front of me (I'm leaving that ambiguous on purpose, you'll have to ask me if you want to know). He has a very nice singing voice. He's a bass. Ryan sang very well, too. The other singers were...blah. I feel quite inadequate next to the musicians here, but then I remember that a good number of those who are self taught will never make it this far, so it's quite nice to have been in the presence of such great young performers.
This day will, ultimately, be the close of my time in Wyoming. I'll be here for a little bit, but in July, I hope to be back in Colorado. This was a great way to end this period of my life. Next? Probably a serious relationship. College. I'm going to work extremely hard with my music now. I'm going to lose weight. I'm going to like myself again. I am finally going to be the person I want to be, and I will finally have the means to acheive it. Life is good.
And that has nothing to do with music camp. Travis, I love you.
Goodbye, Laramie. You're a kind man, Ryan. Spencer, you rock. Julie, we're going to keep in touch. You've shown me something in you that I have never seen in a person before. Scott, keep singin'. One of these days, I'll see you in Carnegie. Dasom, we'll definitely keep in touch. If not Alice, you'll be performing my piano concerto with the New York Philharmonic. Don't ever let music go. You're too great to drop it.
And the rest of you, good luck with all future endeavors, musical or not. I'll most likely end up a moderately prolific composer, but certainly not as a full time occupation. I have not the skill or talent necessary to ever be a performer, conductor, or anything but a composer. That's quite all right, since my compositions (writing or musical) are where I best express myself. Scott, who knows, maybe I'll write a piece and dedicate it to you and your ghost of a boyfriend, Jose. Good luck with your GSA. Cheyenne needs it.
Ah, peace. Guten abend, freunde.
In other news: I'm going to Denver tomorrow for PrideFest and to visit the family. Hopefully, some miracle will happen and I can stay there permanently. Yeah, right. Also, I get to meet Jakob. If you don't know about him, ask. He's not a lover. Really. He's not. And he won't be. Yeah.
Um. I have nothing else to say.