So Spoke The Wanderer Pt. 1

[rivlee]

Denial

Bob Leckie hated to lend credence to the stereotype of his Irish-American culture, but he drank so much last night he needed a new liver. He didn’t even remember getting plastered, but the pain and nausea currently attacking his system only came with a hangover. He blinked his eyes open in the dim light while his nose wrinkled at the smell of industrial strength cleaner.

“Fuck,” he muttered, finding himself in a cell. He hadn’t woken up in a drunk tank in years.

Leckie rubbed his face, shook his head, and still couldn’t get his mind to clear. The place just seemed too damn bright, like everything was full of neon and fluorescent.

He walked to the cell bars and banged his closed fist against the cold metal.

“Officer,” he called out.

“Hey Bull, the Wanderer is up,” a male voice said.

Two men approached. Leckie took one look at the taller man with horns protruding from his forehead and sat back down.

“What the fuck’s your problem, never seen a minotaur before?” the smaller man asked.

“I thought they looked different,” Leckie said. He shook his head. “I must still be drunk.”

“Why do they always say that,” the small man muttered. He rapped the bars to get Leckie’s attention. “Hey, Wanderer, we’re your Welcoming Committee. I’m John-Martin of the Sprites.” He pointed to the minotaur. “This is Bull of the Minotaurs. You’re currently getting scrubbed clean in there so we don’t get any of your nasty viruses.”

Leckie’s face must have shown his confusion because Bull and John-Martin exchanged a look.

“You can’t feel that tickling?” Bull asked.

To be honest, Leckie could, but he just figured it was from the cold air blasting through the cell. He looked down at his arm and slid back over the bench. There was a small army of miniature butterflies working their way down his arm.

“It took them hours to clean your hair,” John-Martin said.

“What the fuck is this?” Leckie asked.

Bull shook his head. “They always say that too.”

John-Martin crossed his arms and gave Leckie a very impressive glare. “You’ve crossed the border, Wanderer, and are now on the Other Side.”

Leckie covered his mouth with the hand not currently carrying its own Lisa Frank collage.

“That’s great, that’s lovely. What and where the hell is that again?” he asked.

John-Martin sighed and turned to face Bull. “Call Haldane; we’ve got another Webster on our hands.”

Leckie pushed himself back to the front of bench and tried to see more of the facility. It was really damn bright here, everything seemed to shine or glow. He squinted, but that wasn’t helping shit.

“That’s not going to help nothing,” Bull said. He slid something into a chamber that passed through to Leckie’s side of the cell. “You ain’t meant to see any of this like normal. Your body’s got to adjust. Take the visors.”

“Visors?” Leckie asked.

Bull pointed to the chamber with a hooved foot.

Leckie stood up and pulled out a set of odd-looking sunglasses.

“Magical shades?” he asked. “Really?”

Bull shrugged. “You don’t got to put them on, but it’s your headache to live with.”

John-Martin came back, a tall man towering behind him. Haldane, presumably.

Haldane was not a minotaur or a sprite. He looked just like Leckie. Well, minus the shining eyes and the fact they were an inhuman blue-green.

“What exactly do they call that color? Radioactive Seawater? Shades of Chernobyl?” Leckie asked.

“Oh, you’re going to be loads of fun,” Haldane said in a voice reserved only for drill sergeants and football coaches.

“He just woke-up and he’s already got a hell of a mouth on him,” John-Martin said.

“They can’t all be Sledge,” Haldane said. He walked over to a panel on the side of the cell and touched something. “How does his mind seem?”

“I’m right here,” Leckie said.

“His language skills are definitely working,” John-Martin said.

“I can hear you,” Leckie said.

Haldane gave him an amused smile. “Eddie’s been saying that Hoosier and Snaf need a new friend.”

Bull and John-Martin both snorted at that.

“What’s your name, kiddo?” Haldane asked.

“Bob Leckie,” he said. “And I’m not a child.”

Haldane nodded. “Whatever you say, Junior. You’re going to get some rest now; I don’t want the trip to Merrymec to kill you.”

“In case it’s escaped your notice, I’m not exactly of the mind or body to take a nap right now.”

“Is that so?” John-Martin asked as he pressed one of the panel buttons.

The next thing Leckie knew was darkness.

********

“Don’t drop him, Hoosier,” Haldane said, waking Leckie up.

“He’s fucking heavy,” a man, apparently Hoosier, said.

“Kiss my ass,” Leckie said.

He opened his eyes and recoiled in confusion. Everything was darkly shaded by the sunglasses over his eyes.

“Nice manners,” Hoosier said as he dropped Leckie onto a chair.

Leckie shook his head and ripped off the glasses. He was in some sort of office. Haldane was there, looking through a filing cabinet that apparently sorted itself. Hoosier, the only other person in the room, was a young man with dirty-blond hair and a bitter twist to his lips.

Leckie was just grateful he didn’t have horns.

Leckie cleared his throat. “Where the hell am I and who the hell are you?”

“Are you capable of saying anything else or do you just repeat variations of curse words?” Hoosier asked.

“Hoosier,” Haldane warned. He turned to Leckie and gave him a warm smile. “Welcome, Bob Leckie, to the Other Side. Or the Other World. Or Faery. We are called different things by different people,” he said.

“I like Neverwhere,” Hoosier said.

Leckie blinked at that. “This is a dream. It’s not possible for Neil Gaiman to create a mass delusion, right?”

“Do you often dream about strange men, some with horns protruding from their skulls?” Hoosier asked.

“Not that I can recall,” Leckie said.

“I’d say safe bet, this isn’t a dream.” Hoosier said.

Leckie took a deep breath. He liked to think of himself as a logical, rational man. Logically he knew, and he could see, that things weren’t right here. People’s eyes weren’t supposed to shine. They didn’t call themselves Minotaurs or Sprites. They didn’t have pixies that worked like some sort of cleaning microbes.

How the ever-loving-fuck was he supposed to get home?

He took another deep breath and tried to stop himself from hyperventilating. He focused on the sounds, the soft whirr of Haldane’s self-propelling filing cabinet, the smell of menthol that wafted in the air from Hoosier. He clenched his fists and felt the slinky material that made up the sunglasses. Not plastic, but something smooth to the touch and warmed by his hands. He heard a scurrying sound and looked down to the floor where a creature that could only be described as a Cheshire Cat curled up at Haldane’s feet.

Hoosier leaned back on a desk that wouldn’t be out of place in a cubicle. He studied Leckie for a moment and nodded his head.

“What?” Leckie asked, thankful to have something else to focus on.

“Let me guess, you’re trying to figure out how to get home,” Hoosier said.

Leckie nodded. “That sounds about right.”

“Well, shit, Dorothy, did you try clicking your heels and wishing?”

Leckie turned to Haldane. “You have The Wizard of Oz here?”

Haldane didn’t even bother to look up from his folders. “Leckie, you will learn, over the course of what I am guessing will be many conversations, that of the various things our Realm Jumpers bring back across the divide, entertainment is of the highest volume.”

Leckie took a moment to let that sink in. This, apparently, wasn’t an uncommon occurrence. Not if they had holding cells created. Holy shit, Elvis really did go home.

Haldane waved around what looked like a thin piece of marble. “This is our version of a clipboard. Or, to be more accurate, a computer tablet. I write down your information and it will automatically transfer to the Archives.”

“With what, a magic wand?”

Haldane pulled out a wooden stylus. “Something like that,” he said.

“And do I get any say on where my information is going?” Leckie asked.

“Depends on how much you really want a long, personal, tour of Ville’s dungeons,” Hoosier said.

“Good answer,” Leckie said. He leaned back and pinched his brow. He could’ve killed for an aspirin right now. “So you two are what, like, census takers?”

“Hardly,” Hoosier scoffed, “and if anyone heard you talk to His-”

“-Hoosier,” Haldane interrupted, “not now.” He sat down across from Leckie. “I am Andrew of the Haldane family. I’m the Watch Keeper of the 35th District. Sort of a like a sheriff and a senator combined. As you’ve most likely gathered, we’re not exactly human around here.”

“Believe it or not, I did figure that out. So what are you?” Leckie asked.

“I’m the child of a Bard and an Autumn Sidhe,” Haldane said.

“How has that worked out for you?” Leckie asked.

“It gives him a supreme amount of calm in situations that would make you shit your pants, Leckie,” Hoosier said.

“So what are you supposed to be, my fairy godfather?” Leckie asked Haldane.

“The hilarious part is you don’t know how true that is,” Hoosier answered.

Haldane swatted Hoosier on the back of the head. “What our lowly 20th level wizard friend here is trying to tell you is that, yes, technically speaking, I am part fairy. We prefer the term Sidhe though, as the faery tend to come with wings and look more like bats.”

“That’s a lovely image,” Leckie said. He fiddled with the sunglasses in his hands. “So how’d we get from bats to Tinker Bell?”

“You didn’t ask about pixies,” Haldane said.

“Christ, you even have Peter Pan over here.”

“Second star to the right,” Hoosier quoted.

“This is so marvelously fucked up,” Leckie said. He shook his head. “This doesn’t happen. This can’t happen. I don’t even-how does it-”

Haldane stood up and sat down next to Leckie. He patted his shoulder.

“I know it sounds unbelievable, but it’s happened for ages. There are portals all over your world which lead to ours. Like any gateway, they go both ways. Each year, when the borders between our worlds fall, people come through. A select few of our people, the Realm Jumpers, can travel at any time. For the rest of us, we can only go once, twice a year at most.”

Leckie put his head in his hands and tried to clear his mind. He couldn’t just go home. There were no midnight trains to New York City, and it didn’t look like Haldane had a time machine in his office.

“You know, it’s late,” Hoosier said. “We should just head back to the home office.”

“Don’t let me stop your paperwork,” Leckie said.

“It can wait,” Haldane said, his voice gone soft.

Leckie fell asleep on the ride from wherever he was to wherever Haldane was taking him. They were in some sort of self-propelled carriage-like thing. There was an odd taste and scent in the air that made him tired.

“We’re here,” Haldane said, waking him up by shaking his shoulder.

Leckie looked around the parking lot.

“Huh,” he said, stepping out of the carriage. “I was expecting more horses.”

“The horses here can’t exactly be tamed,” Haldane said.

“Where’s your sidekick?” Leckie asked, looking around for Hoosier.

“He’s already gone up to the house. I figured we’d give you the tour first.”

Leckie slipped on his sunglasses and followed Haldane up a hill, walking a path marked with white paving stones.

“So does everyone park their carriages there?” he asked.

“Merrymec’s streets are too narrow to accommodate the carriages. Deliveries have to be made by wagon or spirit, whichever your household prefers.”

“And you have, what, your jail here?”

Haldane nodded. “My home is a manor; it marks the old center of the city. You could say we have a jail there, but most criminals are sent out to Ville. That’s where the main judicial courts and prisons stand.”

They crested the hill and came onto a stone paved road which led to the gates of the city. The doors were flung wide, one very tall man standing guard.

“Chuckler,” Haldane greeted him, “quiet day?”

“Typical day,” Chuckler said. He smiled at Leckie with a mouth full of bright teeth. “You must be the new arrival. Welcome, Wanderer.”

“Thanks,” Leckie muttered, slightly backing away from Chuckler. He didn’t trust people who smiled that wide.

As they walked through the city streets, everyone waved at Haldane like he was some football star in Texas, while they all gazed at Leckie in curiosity before going back to their lives.

“You always get the star treatment?” Leckie asked.

“It’s a close-knit village,” Haldane said. He stopped in front of a massive building. “Here we are.”

Leckie knew a thing or two about history, and even though he’d always gone more for the military side of things, he’d started off as kid obsessed with castles. If Haldane’s manor wasn’t considered a castle on this side of the divide, Leckie didn’t want to know how immense the real castles were.

“This is your home?” Leckie asked.

Haldane clapped him on the shoulder. “I know it’s a bit much, but it’s a family property. The first two floors and one of the towers are used as a school. The front of the house is for the Watch Keepers. The back half is all private property.”

“What about that river?” Leckie asked, pointing to the wide expanse of water in the background.

“The rights to the river, like all the waters here, belong to the Sirens. As we have a Siren in our household we hold the rights, but keep it open to the public. Except for the lake, that’s private. Mostly because we get tired of Bessie trying to eat the locals.”

“Bessie?”

“You’re in a magical land, Leckie, did you really think we’re without sea creatures?”

Leckie ran a hand over his face and laughed the laugh of the distraught and supremely fucked. “You know, I’m eventually going to wake up and be surprised at the amount of acid I dropped.”

Haldane gave him a sad, disappointed smile. “I wish you’d see how real this is Leckie, but I can’t force you to believe it. We’ll let you get some rest and then take you to a Wanderer’s meeting.”

“A who in the what?”

“The Wanderers, all the people like you who have crossed over the divide and settled here.”

“Is that your subtle way of telling me I’ll never get home.”

“Oh, you’ll get home if you go when the barriers are thin, but for your world that won’t be in another six months, when they are at their thinnest. In our world, that’s going to be a year of your life.”

“So, I’m fucked.”

“Or you’re lucky. Consider it an adventure.”

“Oh, yeah, that’s me, Lucky Leckie,” he spit out. If this was lucky over here, he didn’t want to see cursed.

Haldane didn’t respond to that, he just walked up to the door, pressing his hand into the middle of the stone paneling. Leckie saw a brief shimmer before a handle appeared and the door swung open from the inside.

“Hoosier said you brought home a new stray,” a man on the other side said. His voice was lilting, almost musical, and distracted Leckie long enough to hinder the impending panic attack.

“Guilty as charged,” Haldane said, actually looking sheepish for a moment. He waved at Leckie to come forward. “Get in the house, Leckie, before you let all the heat out.”

“He’s not just saying that,” the stranger said. “These old places are hard to heat, even with magical flames.”

“Noted,” Leckie said. He stepped inside and tried not to flinch as all the candles suddenly lit up with bright blue flames.

“It’s just a security measure,” Haldane said, “it lets the occupants know a stranger is here.”

“You might want to warn a person the next time,” Leckie said. He pulled off his sunglasses and held out his hand. “Bob Leckie, sorry to intrude on your hospitality.”

The man took his hand with a callus worn grip. “Eideard of the Sirens. Most of the Wanderers call me ‘Eddie.’ Easier to pronounce, apparently.”

“A bit,” Leckie agreed.

Eddie’s eyes shone like Haldane’s, only his were a clearer blue.

“So, why do only some of you have the shining eye bit?” Leckie asked.

“They’re a family trait,” Eddie explained, “I believe one of the Wanderers ascribed it something called a Hapsburg Jaw.”

Leckie snorted at that. “Good to know inbreeding isn’t limited to Earth,” he said.

Both Eddie and Haldane smirked at that, exchanging a look over something Leckie couldn’t grasp.

“De L’Eau’s already asking if you sent in Leckie’s profile,” Eddie said.

“We haven’t quite gotten that far yet,” Haldane admitted.

Eddie shook his head. “Aindrea-”

“I know,” Haldane said. “Sorry, Leckie, looks like it will be a working afternoon.”

Apparently they’d entered at the back of the house; the furnishings went from pieces looking like they belonged in a museum to a mismatched mess of office furniture.

“Is that a fax machine?” Leckie asked.

“Sort of,” Haldane said.

Eddie left them at the doorway to Haldane’s office, taking care of a person waiting at the front desk.

“We just have to ask you a few questions; try to establish how you got over here so we can make sure to station a guard at that portal. As much as we welcome Wanderers, we don’t need everybody stumbling through.”

“Understandable.”

Hoosier was already inside the office, one of the tablets out and a large wolfhound at his feet.

“De L’Eau’s getting power hungry,” he said.

“Sent you a scathing message, did he?” Haldane asked.

“He sent me a fucking moth messenger. He’s lucky I didn’t set that damn thing on fire.”

That seemed to be enough of an explanation for Haldane. He grabbed one of the tablets and gestured for Leckie to sit down.

“We used your identification card in your wallet to get your basic information,” Haldane said.

“You picked my pockets?” Leckie asked.

“More like your wallet, shoes, and watch are made of synthetic materials that set our alarms off,” Hoosier said.

“You have a lot of alarms here,” Leckie said, “but I guess it’s just like trying to smuggle fruit out of the country. They frown on that sort of thing.”

“Of course,” Haldane said. He leaned against one of the bookshelves. “How did you get here?”

“I don’t know,” Leckie said.

Hoosier looked up from his tablet so fast he startled the wolfhound. After the barking subsided he asked, “How do you not know?”

Haldane put down his tablet and studied Leckie. He tried not to flinch under the scrutiny.

“Leckie, what’s the last thing you remember?” Haldane asked.

“I finished working on my manuscript for the night and went to sleep.”

Haldane and Hoosier exchanged a look. That wasn’t good.

“What, what does that mean?” he asked.

“Unless you’re sleeping on top of a portal, and trust me, you would know, you couldn’t have just fallen asleep there and woken up here,” Hoosier said.

“Do you sleep walk?” Haldane asked.

“No,” Leckie said.

“Well, you didn’t just trip and fall your way through the portal,” Haldane said.

“Did you?” Hoosier asked.

“No!” Leckie yelled.

“Someone needs to sit a spell,” Hoosier said. The only thing that stopped him from completing a spell was Haldane’s tight grip on his shoulder.

“Is he allowed to do that?” Leckie asked.

“Technically speaking, yes, as a member of the Watch Keepers he is allowed to calm down the unruly by use of his powers,” Haldane said.

“Oh, that’s not asking for a police brutality law suit,” Leckie said.

“You do realize half the shit you say we don’t understand,” Hoosier said.

“Be nice,” Haldane admonished.

“Don’t ask for miracles,” Hoosier said.

“Walk me through the night before,” Haldane said, ignoring Hoosier.

Leckie leaned back, trying not to flinch when the wolfhound laid his head on Leckie’s lap. He tried to piece together what he remembered from the previous day.

“Got a coffee, took a walk, watched a movie, ate dinner, wrote, and slept.”

“Didn’t manage to get a curse on you? Piss someone off? Are you sure it was coffee you drank?” Hoosier asked.

“I don’t think so; probably it’s New York; and unless my barista has a new secret ingredient, no,” Leckie answered.

Haldane jotted a few notes on his tablet and pressed a button that made it light up like a Christmas tree.

“What did you tell Jay?” Hoosier asked Haldane.

“That he’s just going to have to wait for the test results,” Haldane said.

“Are we done?” Leckie asked.

An eagle swopped in through the window and dropped an envelope in Leckie’s lap.

“We are now,” Haldane said. “Archimedes just dropped off your official records and papers.”

The eagle squawked and took off again.

********

Hoosier was the one charged with giving Leckie the three-hour-tour. He didn’t know what scared him more, Hoosier or his big damn dog. He was eager to see the school, but apparently a guy named Sledge was going to do that later in the week.

Hoosier walked through the halls with familiarity, but Leckie doubted he grew up in such surroundings. His accent was different, his eyes didn’t shine, and he seemed to handle everything in the private residential areas with a measured care.

“How long have you been here?” Leckie asked.

“About five years now,” Hoosier answered without going into a deeper explanation.

They came to a staircase that went down into the ground. The dog wouldn’t budge. Leckie didn’t want to either.

“What’s down there?” he asked.

“Snafu, he’s the other regular member of the household.”

“Snafu is not exactly a name that breeds confidence,” Leckie said.

“It’s not his original name, but it’s the one he answers to now,” Hoosier said. He gestured to the stairs. “Age before beauty.”

“You’re just a charming little fucker, aren’t you,” Leckie said.

“My mother always thought so,” Hoosier said.

Torches lit up as they walked down the staircase, flickering off as they passed. The flame was a pleasant yellow, giving off just enough light to see the next few steps. The staircase had a clear end in sight, but Leckie was still freaked out by the water he could hear rushing by.

“It’s just part of the river,” Hoosier explained.

Leckie didn’t make a comment about alligators in sewers but when they finally reached level ground he couldn’t stop his gagging cough at the stench.

“What the hell is this?” Leckie asked, speaking with a hand over his nose.

There was a smell in the air, something like sulfur but even worse and it was hard as hell not to vomit.

“Pretty boy like you never been inside a morgue?” Hoosier asked. His eyes glittered in the low light, cat-like in their visual sneer.

Leckie shook his head. “The only dead bodies I’ve seen are at funerals.”

Hoosier cast him a confused look over his shoulder. “I think we’ve got a different idea of funerals on this side of the divide.”

They stopped at a carved wooden door showing various images of Death. A sign tacked to it proclaimed Out To Lunch.

Leckie would’ve laughed if he wasn’t so beyond confused.

“This is Snaf’s place,” Hoosier said as he pushed the door open. “His family wanted him to go into Healing, but the boy was always better at figuring out how a body died.”

“A body? Not a person?”

“We’re a land of unfinished business,” Hoosier muttered.

Snafu’s office had morgue tables covered in sheets and piled high with books. His desk was a mess of mugs and paper scraps.

“He doesn’t get to use the shiny tablets?”

“He’s more a traditionalist,” Hoosier said. He picked up a note. “Huh, guess he went out to Roe’s.”

“Then what are we doing here?”

“We store the Handbooks down here. Snaf ain’t exactly using the space.”

“Handbooks?”

“Yup,” Hoosier said. “No idea where the little fucker hid them.”

Leckie took a seat while Hoosier sorted through a few more cabinets. He studied the office, wondering how anyone could work here with such an absolute lack of sunlight.

“Screw it,” Hoosier said and turned to face Leckie. “This is one of the most important things you will need to survive.” He snapped his fingers and a book appeared in Leckie’s lap.

The title read The Wanderer’s Handbook and looked about the size of a bible.

“Does it tell me to never forget my towel and don’t panic?” Leckie asked.

“What?” Hoosier asked.

Leckie smirked. “So, you have the Wizard of Oz here but no Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy? One of your Realm Jumpers needs to fix that.”

“The last thing they brought back was The Da Vinci Code.”

“God, don’t make me puke,” Leckie said, “or cry.”

“It wasn’t that big of a hit here, if that helps? But Old Webster was pulling out his hair because we just didn’t get the master of Da Vinci or some shit. Look, if I’m going to stare at paintings, I at least want them to do something fun.”

“You’re a modern art man, I can respect that.” Leckie tried to shake off the sick feeling. “Are we done here? This place creeps me out.”

Hoosier smirked. “Wait until you actually meet Snafu.”

They trudged back up the stairs in comfortable silence, but Leckie just had to know the answer to one question.

“Your name is Hoosier,” Leckie said. “Are you from Indiana?”

“No,” Hoosier said, drawing out the word.

“Then how did you get that name?” he asked.

“I’m from the Hill Shire country in Cumberland,” he answered.

“Why do I feel like that was an obvious answer,” Leckie said.

“Because it is; you need to read your Handbook,” Hoosier said.

********

Leckie fell asleep before he had the chance to eat dinner. He decided to blame it on the inter-dimensional jet lag and not his lack of being able to cope. He could hear people in the house below getting on with their day, but the general lack of noise put him even more on edge. If he didn’t have an apartment building full of loud artists, trains running and cars honking, he didn’t know how to sleep.

He couldn’t help but think about his new roommates. Hoosier was more entertaining than Leckie wanted to admit, but he could appreciate a heaping dose of sarcasm. Something about the wizard just set his teeth on edge. Snafu was still an unknown face attached to a few anecdotes Hoosier willingly spilled as the night wore on. And then there were the other two. Eddie and Haldane were clearly a couple. Even if they never came out and said so, the huge wedding portrait in the foyer was a bit of a clue. They worked together effortlessly, a perfect team which required little verbal communication. Leckie had never seen two people more comfortable with each other. Eddie and Haldane both had a timelessness about them, and even though Eddie was the elder, he always deferred to Haldane’s leadership. Leckie was still trying to figure out what it was about the man that made people so blindly follow him, but hell, even Bob was doing it himself. He just reeked of competence. Leckie wanted to dislike him, but it felt like doing so violated some unwritten law.

Not that Leckie could dislike him, because he oozed charm without being smug. Leckie did kind of hate him for that. Still, the man opened his house to a stranger based on instinct and Leckie was in no place to be refusing food or shelter.

Leckie’s room overlooked the river that ran through the back of the property. He didn’t want to call it a yard because it was boarded by meadows, forest, and mountains, but it did lie behind the property. He had a nice little balcony the size of his apartment back in New York. He had a room that felt like a suite in the Four Seasons, but luckily, someone called off the servants. Or Haldane just ran with a skeleton crew. Leckie hadn’t seen a maid or a butler, but someone had to be around to keep the place clean.

He walked out of his room and stepped into the corridor. His steps were muffled by the plush carpet over the stone floor. He wasn’t quite sure where to go, but he definitely needed to eat something.

“Sleeping Beauty’s all woken-up,” Hoosier said.

Leckie cursed as he rounded the corner.

“Well, that’s just rude,” Hoosier said. He slung an arm over Leckie’s shoulders. “Let’s get you some grub.”

“What are you, psychic?”

“No, your stomach is just that damn loud.”

Hoosier led them over to a wall of wood paneling. He placed his free hand on one of the knots and pushed open the door to a secret passage.

“Fastest way to get to the kitchens from here,” Hoosier said. “We’ve got a staff to feed all the university kids, so we just steal some of their food. Though you, my Wanderer friend, can probably only handle the bread right now. Got to get you used to real food.”

“I’m not that delicate.”

“You’re dealing with ingredients you’ve never met before. I’m not cleaning up your shit. Literally.”

“So explain to me how this works as a home, a Watch Keeper residence, and a school,” Leckie said.

Hoosier shrugged. “It’s the biggest place I’ve ever seen and Haldane knows he doesn’t need all this space. Since the people pay for part of its upkeep, Haldane figured they might as well get something out of it.”

“And why can’t you show me the school?”

“Because it’s full of Wanderers like you, and they still get a little twitchy around wizards. They think we’re going to turn them into newts or something.”

“And these Wanderers, they can come from any place at any time?”

“Not at any time,” Hoosier said. “It has to be when the borders are down.”

“Right, okay. But what about time period or era? Like, say I come through from New York City in 2011 Common Era, could someone from, say, Rome in 44 Before Common Era also stumble on through.”

Hoosier shrugged. “I guess, but I got to tell you, Leckie, that’s really not a question for me. You’ll want to ask Eddie or De L’Eau, that’s really their area.”

“Not an academic then. So what do you do besides wizarding?”

“My wizarding isn’t enough for you?” Hoosier asked.

“I don’t expect wizards to have a cubicle.”

“Dungeons give me asthma,” Hoosier said.

The kitchen was bigger than most hotel lobbies. There was a small table set up near one of the large bay windows, with two seats already occupied. Eddie was picking his way through a bowl of purple and blue fruit, while a young man with a dark smile fiddled with a bowl of porridge.

“Snafu, you’re back,” Hoosier said, settling down beside him.

“You missed me?” Snafu asked.

“It’s not the same without you lurking in the dungeon or up in the attic. What did Roe need?”

“Just an extra set of hands to gather up some plants. Needed someone who knows the difference between poisonous and deadly,” Snafu said, speaking with a carefully measured cadence.

“The plants look different in the country,” Hoosier said.

“Here we go again,” Eddie muttered. “Before you two start arguing over the difference between Healers and country kitchen wizards, let me at least make introductions. Leckie, meet Snafu, our own personal ghoul in the dungeons. Snaf, Leckie here’s a brand new Wanderer; it’s only his second day on this side.”

“You telling me to be nice?” Snafu asked.

“There’s no telling you anything, Snaf. I’m simply asking you,” Eddie said.

“Uh-huh,” Snafu said, “welcome to the Manor. Hope you manage to last.”

“Thanks,” Leckie said. He jumped when a plate of bread appeared before him. “What in the hell?”

Eddie patted his shoulder. “You’ll get used to it. We send our breakfast orders down in the morning and it gets prepared for us. The kitchen sprites work so fast, you never see them, they just run on past. Occasionally you’ll catch them out of the corner of your eye, but you’ll never see one unless they’re standing still.”

“You’re trying to tell me they move so fast they’re invisible?”

“Yes,” Eddie said.

Leckie rubbed his forehead. “It’s too early in the morning for this.”

“Just try to survive breakfast,” Snafu suggested.

********

Haldane and Hoosier had to handle some mysterious incident and decided to leave Leckie in Eddie’s care. Leckie wanted to bitch about having a babysitter, but hell, he didn’t even know what constituted a criminal offense here.

Leckie settled in a chair near the front desk of the Watch Keepers’ office and started to flip through the pamphlets there.

“So you take the whole working from home thing to an extreme, don’t you,” Leckie said while unfolding What To Do If Your Ghoul Is Unruly.

“Watch Keepers have always run their operations from their own homes. How else are you to be sure of security and staff,” Eddie said.

“But how do you know your staff is secure?” Leckie asked.

“Why do you think we employ a wizard?”

“Ah,” Leckie said. He pointed a finger to the floor. “And the reason for employing Snafu?”

“It’s always good to have someone like Snafu kicking around a home. Especially since our receiving room is often used as a law court,” Eddie said.

“I’m suddenly wishing I paid attention in my Tudor/Stuart England classes,” Leckie said.

Eddie smiled. “I am certain that would be a very funny observation if I knew what you were talking about.”

“Yeah, about that,” Leckie said, putting down Vampires Are People Too. “How can I understand you?”

“We perfected the art of imprinting a translator spell into Wanderers’ minds centuries ago. It doesn’t translate all our languages, but it still works for our Common Tongue,” Eddie said.

“So people like me really aren’t that uncommon? Where the hell do they all go?”

“Some wait it out and return to their homes. Quite a few settle here. We have a handful of Wanderers in our town, but most gravitate to the larger cities. I think they feel more comfortable with all the sounds and lack of space there.”

“But you’re not from here either,” Leckie said.

Eddie turned his full attention to Leckie, his blue eyes flashing for only a moment.

“What makes you say that?” he asked.

“Your accent, it’s slightly different from Haldane’s. Hoosier and Snafu’s are different by miles, but it’s pretty obvious they’re from a different social class. You’re Haldane’s spouse and I’m guessing his equal, or near to it. Despite that, there’s a pause in your speech, as if you constantly have to remind yourself not to speak in another language.”

“You’re very observant,” Eddie noted.

“Part of my job description.”

“And what was that again?”

“I’m a writer,” he said, flipping through Mushrooms: Food or Creatures?.

“A scribe or an archivist?” Eddie asked.

“Journalist and sometimes historian, occasional poet,” Leckie said.

“Ahh,” Eddie said, drawing out the sound, “you are indeed quite like Webster.”

“I keep hearing that name.”

“He is a Wanderer much like you. I was the first to greet him, as he arrived by the South Seas, where my family is based.”

“What, did he come on a boat?” Leckie asked.

“Yes,” Eddie said.

“Oh,” Leckie said in shock. The Rights of Were-Beings dropped from his hands to the floor with an audible thud.

“The borders exist around your whole world,” Eddie explained. “It’s not just a matter of walking through it. If you’re in the sky, out on the sea, in a field, if a border falls you will crossover.”

“That’s not very secure.”

“Hence the Watch Keepers,” Eddie said. A clock chimed in the background and Eddie made a note on one of his papers. “Sledge should be here soon to answer some of your questions. He’s a Wanderer who decided to settle.”

“I really just want to get back home,” Leckie said.

Eddie softly smiled. “You need to read your Handbook,” he said.

“I doubt all the answers I need are in those pages.”

“There are enough,” he said. “If you take any of the courses at the University, you need to pass the entrance exam. You will need the Handbook for that.”

“You can’t just tell me how to get home?”

“I can tell you, but I don’t think you will accept my word so why waste my breath? You will excuse it as something lost in translation, or a lack of understanding. You will tell me that I can’t possibly understand what you’re going through, and I’d much rather avoid all that this time around. I don’t begrudge Aindrea his strays, but I sometimes grow weary of comforting you Wanderers.”

“Ouch,” Leckie said.

Eddie shrugged. “Sirens aren’t known for their friendly and welcoming behavior.”

“Making friends are you?” Haldane asked, coming through the back door.

“I’ve been on land too long,” Eddie said.

“Then go for a swim with Bessie and stop scaring our newest traveler.”

“Don’t tempt me,” Eddie said.

“Go,” Haldane said with a wave of his hand. “Sledge is coming by soon anyway.”

“Try to remember to stop for a meal this time,” Eddie said, “you really don’t need him to interpret all of Kipling’s writings for you.”

“Go,” Haldane ordered.

Eddie left with slow and deliberate movements while trying to bite back a smile. Leckie had a feeling a whole conversation was going on and he wasn’t ever going to figure it out.

“So you’re shoving me off on another stranger,” Leckie said after Eddie finally passed through the doorway.

“Hoosier is still out on a job,” Haldane explained, head still turned to watch Eddie leave. He shook his head and walked into his office. He left the door open, and Leckie took that for an invitation.

“The wizard works outside jobs?” Leckie asked.

“Don’t sound so cynical,” Haldane said.

“What’s he going to do, attack someone with vicious sarcasm?” Leckie asked.

“Hoosier may be a wizard but don’t think that will stop him from throwing a punch at you,” Haldane cautioned. He pulled out a bulging archive folder and placed it in front of Leckie. “That’s all the complaints we have on Hoosier before he reached his majority. And those are only the ones we have on file. I had to bring him here or someone would’ve put a Death Curse on him. Or worse.”

“What could be worse than a Death Curse?”

“Over here? So many things.”

“That part’s not in the Handbook, I take it?”

“We don’t exactly want to frighten our new residents into a permanent state of fear. We’re like any place, we just have our own unique set of crime and punishment,” Haldane said.

“Hoosier said this was a land of unfinished business.”

Haldane took his seat and studied Leckie for a moment before he gave his explanation. “There are many people on this side who can work their will, magic, what have you,” he said, gesturing at the air, “to extend a life or to heal a wound. We have longer lives by virtue of our own genetic code. But when death does come here, rarely is it natural or peaceful.”

“Shining endorsement,” Leckie said.

“From what I’ve gathered through my studies your land isn’t exactly known for its peaceful living.”

“Nope most of my people die from health related causes thanks to a life devoted to sloth, gluttony, lust or all three. I like to think it makes us special.”

“You really have a way with sentiment, Leckie,” Haldane said. He dropped his gaze and started sorting through files. “Have you read any of your Handbook yet?” he asked.

“Since I’m still not sure what the hell is going, no,” Leckie said.

“You’ve been given a guide to making your way in an alternate world and you’re hung up on the details?” Haldane asked. There was nothing mocking in his tone, only honest curiosity.

“I was once told not to believe everything I read in books,” Leckie said.

“So you’re a man of experience then,” Haldane observed, “you need to see to believe. Right now, you can still dismiss this all as some grand delusion or a psychotic break. Understandable, I suppose, since you made the trip while unconscious. That honestly doesn’t happen very often.”

“Aren’t I special,” Leckie said.

Haldane touched a part of his desk that immediately lit up. He typed in something that caused it to glow brighter and then make three blue blobs dart off to god only knew where.

“Please don’t tell me that was ectoplasm,” Leckie said.

“It’s a messenger system,” Haldane said.

“How?” Leckie asked. He walked over to the desk and stared at the glowing section. “How the hell does-what the fuck?”

“I’d explain it to you, but I somehow don’t think you’d believe me,” Haldane said. He touched a hand to Leckie’s shoulder, motioning for him to sit down. “I doubt you’re ready for discussions on the immaterial. All you need to know is that two of my employees, Runner and Chuckler, are going to guide you to Sledge’s house. You met Chuckler yesterday; he was the tall guard outside the gates.”

“What,” Leckie said.

“You’ll accept it when you’re ready,” Haldane promised.

********

Leckie didn’t really get how Runner and Chuckler worked together, but a Sprite and a Giant seemed to make as much sense as a Siren and a Sidhe. He liked them immediately; it was hard not to, with Chuckler’s honesty and Runner’s quick humor. Their temperaments suited each other, even if their lines of descent didn’t.

Unlike Hoosier and Snafu, they didn’t live in the Manor. Runner and Chuckler’s house was in a section of the city full of old willow trees and a sense of peace. It wasn’t difficult at all to see the attraction of making a home here.

“You really don’t know how you got here?” Runner asked.

“Not a clue,” Leckie admitted.

It wasn’t hard to talk to either of them; he didn’t feel defensive like he did with Hoosier and Snafu. Eddie intimated the hell out of him, but it was only because his eyes showed all the ages he’d lived. Haldane was a whole other story, but Runner and Chuckler? They were like any buddy you’d find at a bar.

“No wonder Haldane’s housing you,” Chuckler said, “that hasn’t happened in years.”

“So, what, everyone else remembers right where they were when it happened?”

“Apparently everything glows here until your eyes adjust,” Runner said, “and that serves as a big clue. Everyone thinks they’ve lost their minds for the first few days, but Sledge has this theory that if you’re awake and conscious of the change in your surroundings, it can settle in quicker. Unless you just refuse to accept it, of course.”

“And what happens to those people?” Leckie asked.

“We put them to sleep,” Chuckler said.

“Like stasis or Sleeping Beauty?” Leckie asked.

“It’s a medically induced sleep by way of magical herbs, you tell me,” Chuckler said.

“So a bit of both then,” Leckie said.

Runner and Chuckler walked on either side of Leckie while they passed the outskirts of town. It’d been ages since Leckie walked anywhere outside of city blocks and his shoes were not suited for walking over dirt and pebble roads.

“I don’t suppose you’ve got a shoe store in the area? Or shoe-making elves?”

“Elves don’t make shoes,” Runner said.

“You might want to tell the Grimm Brothers that,” Leckie muttered.

“We have shoe-makers and cobblers,” Chuckler said, “and you can buy them from passing merchants.”

“So not everyone is some sort of magical creature?” Leckie asked.

“You’ll get a better explanation in your Handbook,” Runner said, “but magical lines die out and families change over generations. Besides magic, in terms of wizards, or people like Snafu or Gene Roe? That takes out part of your soul, and definitely pulls on the elements in the world. You can’t constantly use magic to do anything or else it will use everything up.”

“So you’re not completely magic reliant,” Leckie said, “you could’ve fooled me with Haldane’s house.”

“Most of what you see in Haldane’s house isn’t magic,” Runner said.

“A lot of people are employed by Haldane, from Kitchen Sprites, to Pixies, to Intellectual Spirits. Anyone who needs a job goes to Haldane and he’ll find them employment and shelter, usually in his own household. It drives Eddie insane, but that’s only because he is in charge of the household accounts,” Chuckler said.

“This all seems far more complicated than it needs to be,” Leckie said.

“People, even magical ones, are complicated, Leckie,” Runner said.

They stopped at a house, a cottage really, set far back from the street. There was an old stone fence and a wooden gate which marked off the property.

“And here we leave you,” Runner said.

“What, you’re afraid to go into Sledge’s house?” Leckie asked.

“More like Chuckler has an appointment with a Dream Interpreter and I promised my cousin I’d help him with his new flock.”

“Smokey got sheep?” Chuckler asked.

“Geese,” Runner said.

“Shouldn’t that be a gaggle?” Leckie asked.

“They’re special geese,” Runner said.

Leckie snorted. “What, do they lay golden eggs?”

“How did you know that?” Runner asked.

“I, just, you’re not serious,” Leckie said.

One of the watch tower bells chimed, marking the half-hour.

“We’ll talk about this later,” Runner said.

Chuckler slapped Leckie on the shoulder. “Best of luck, Wanderer, watch out for the birds.”

“What?” Leckie asked.

“You’ll see,” Chuckler said.

He watched Chuckler and Runner walk over to what looked like a phone booth where they disappeared once it closed. He shook his head and proceeded down the path to the front door. A fire lit up in what looked like a bird bath, glowing in blue warning flame. He knocked on the round green door, feeling his eyebrows lift when it opened on its own. He looked inside, noting piles of books, scrolls, maps, and drawing pads. It was like a real life hobbit hole.

“Hello,” he called out.

“In the study,” a man’s voice, tinged with a Southern accent called out.

“The study is where?” Leckie asked, cautiously crossing over the door way.

“Follow the yellow line,” the voice answered.

Leckie looked down at the floor, where a yellow line suddenly appeared and started pulsing.

“What, you were out of brick roads,” he muttered as he started walking through the cluttered house.

“Bricks are bad for the ankles and posture,” the voice answered. A young man appeared, red-haired and dark eyed. “Eugene Sledge,” he said, holding out his hand. “Haldane tells me you’re from New York.”

“Most recently, grew up in Jersey.”

“Alabama for me, Mobile.”

“And how’d you get here?”

“Walked into the woods one day and just kept walking.”

“Ah,” Leckie said. He looked around and stopped short at the large owl perched near the windowsill. “Am I interrupting something?”

“Oh, no, Athena was just leaving. She was kind enough to let me sketch her today. It’s why I couldn’t come up to meet you at the Manor. She doesn’t like to go near the city.”

“Athena? Cute. Hedwig was already taken?” Leckie asked.

Sledge smiled. “Her owner is the fan of the Classics. And predates Harry Potter by a few decades. Not that he’d be the type to read it anyway.”

“Let me guess, Webster.”

“Oh,” Sledge said, “I wasn’t aware you’ve met him yet.”

“I haven’t,” Leckie said.

“Ah,” Sledge said, opening the window for Athena to leave. He pulled on a tattered wool pea coat and grabbed a scarf. “I am sure you’ll meet him soon, but for now, let’s give you a tour of the University.”

Leckie followed Sledge out of the house, skirting around all the trunks and stacks. “Ever think of getting a housekeeper?”

“I like my system,” Sledge said. He locked his door with a large key, while the bird bath burst up with a purple flame before disappearing again.

“I’m sure you’ve seen the entrance to the Manor, and the Watch Keeper section, but the University side is slightly different,” Sledge said.

“How different?” Leckie asked.

Sledge pointed his gloved hands to a white tower in horizon.

“I never thought I’d attend a school with an actual ivory tower,” Leckie said.

“That makes two of us,” Sledge said.

The townspeople smiled at Sledge, but there was still an obvious wariness in their countenances. A whole large group of people were sitting in front of the University entrance way. It made Leckie smile, the familiar sight of young kids, laughing, gossiping, and sitting in the grass.

“How long have you been here?” Leckie asked, as they passed through the doors.

“Five years our time, ten years theirs,” Sledge said.

“And the locals still look at you like that?”

“Ten years still equals the age of a toddler here. I think they’re amazed I don’t manage to burn my home down.”

Leckie was pretty impressed at the quiet, dark halls of the University.

“Most of the activity is in the lecture halls, labs, and the library,” Sledge explained.

Sledge nudged open a massive set of doors, the smell of old books and ink wafting through the air.

Leckie felt his jaw drop at the massive row upon row of books, tables, and students, which kept going down farther and farther, level after level.

“The Bards believe in promoting higher learning,” Sledge said.

“Clearly,” Leckie said.

Sledge stayed silent as he led Leckie through the twisting labyrinth of the library halls.

“What did this used to be?” Leckie asked as he ran a hand over the figures sculpted into the wall.

“The whole Manor used to be a summer home of the royal family,” Sledge said. He pushed open a set of wooden doors adorned with copper. “We’re here,” he announced.

Five long wooden tables with attached benches filled the classroom. There was a board on the wall made out of the same material as Haldane’s tablet.

“So, what do we do now?” Leckie asked.

Sledge handed him a tablet.

“You learn,” he said.

********

Leckie highly approved of any university library which had its own bar. His mind was still trying to sort out all the shit he’d learned in the introductory course today, but he just felt fried. Sledge looked at him with knowing eyes, clearly having seen all this before. He pushed a pint glass at Leckie.

“I’m not one for drinking, but you clearly need this.”

“Thanks,” Leckie said. The ale was sweet and took some getting used to, but at this point, he couldn’t care less.

Sledge had a tired, pinched look around his eyes. He reminded Leckie of all the faces he’d ever seen on young men, boys really, losing all signs of peace, innocence, and hope in war.

“So, you just started walking one day,” Leckie prompted.

“I just started walking one day,” Sledge repeated. “After I got home from over there,” his tone implying no need to clarify where there was, “nothing made sense, and I just started walking going deeper and deeper into the woods, not even caring it was darker, colder, so late. I passed over a small creek and ended up here.”

“Runner and Chuckler say you have theories about how all our people get here. So how big is the community over here?”

“We have support group meetings and an official government representative,” Sledge said. “Snaf keeps trying to get me to run, but I like being mostly anonymous.” Sledge opened his hand to reveal what looked like a living dancing flame. “This is a fire spirit of knowledge, I call her Jackie.”

“Jackie is her technical name?” Leckie asked.

“It’s the shortened form that I can pronounce. She was the one who introduced me to my work. I help register and categorize the creatures of this land.”

“So, what, you rub ankles with the centaurs and high-five the dragons?”

Sledge smirked. “I like birds,” he said.

“Hence, Athena,” Leckie said.

Sledge shrugged. “I decided to stay here; I had to find something to do.”

“Why didn’t you go home?” Leckie asked.

Sledge’s smile was full of sadness. “You’ll figure it out,” he said, barely above a whisper.

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