Maybe...
Maybe, I should stop trying so hard.. maybe it just isn't meant to be..
2day was not really a good day.. I go and see my friend Jackie 2day. that was nice. came home.. didn't have a ride to church, so I didn't think anyone was going to come and pick me up. but jared and Ashley did. that was very nice of him. worship at church was good. afterwards ashley and I waited to marco.. but he never showed up.. its okay tho. my friends are leaving for alaska and I won't get to see them for a month.. and I didn't even to get say goodbye.. its really depressing.. ashley and I were supost to hang out with 2 people but it didn't happen either..
here I'll start off withmy badness.. so I get to jackies house and her dad sees me and says " hey.. wow, you've Gained weight.. I can't even start to say how much that hurt me. how crule can you get? so that sat in my mind all day.. I don't get to see the people that truly care about me for a month.. and then something terrible happened.. I got mad.. and then sad.. and now I'm depressed.. I think I'm gonna exspress myself right about now..
so I have this diss-order that I can't help.. lets just say I'm larger them the average person.. I have friends and they tell me I'm beautiful and then there is that other half.. where them tell me I'm the fattest and uglyest person alive.. now I kinda sound like a friend of mine that i know.. and she said all of this negitive things about her and they hurt me.. she said she was fat and ugly.. this girl must weigh 120 130.. if that.. she has long brown hair and everyone loves her..
I dunno what has gotten in to her..
you know.. I try so hard to please people, and I try to handle my angry.. I try to think of a reasonable answer for why they don't show up.. This whole weight issue is driving me mad.. I know that I am over weight so why try to convince me different? I know the truth and nothing that you say is going to make me change my mind. I dunno.. maybe its an insecurity of mine maybe its not.. I mean.. has you looked ay me lately.. its out of control and I can't do anything about it.. and its killing me inside and out.
some people are soo crule.. it is amazing how guys and girls find each other.. everyone in this fucking world (I'm sorry for using that word) everyone is all about looks and attraction doesn't even matter anymore. I use to wish that I would meet the ideal man.. and now I realize that that is the last thing in the world I want. I want someone with compassion and that knows me and like be because I make them laugh and they won't have to think twice about that i look like or what people are going to say when they see us in a crowd. all of the pretty girls hate me? why? I don't hate them because they get all of the guy.. there soo mean to me.. because of the way I dress and look. I'm not your everyday woman.. I like to hang out wiht all of the guys and I like piercing nad tattoos turn me on. I not picky.. I just wihs someone in the world was the same. just be simple an love everything that you have.
I hurt every single night, cus I know that when I wake up in the morning and start my day off.. I have to walk into the town or school and some people are going to stare and me and hate me.. when all they did was look at me.. that HURTS... worst them love..
They say beauty is on the inside.. be 90% of the world doesn't do or think what they say.. why don't you start to do what you say.. I'm going to be me.. and try to enojoy and live life to the fullest.. but I can't knowing that I look the way I do.. if you think that you have it bad.. will you please commment and talk to me and take a walk in my shoes just for one day.. fell my pain.. see my tear..
This is simply what I am asking.. next time you see me.. don't just look at me.. nad stare and wisper things to your friend.. look through me.. see my heart and how it is broken.. just know that I care for you.. and even if you don't care for me.. I'll understand cus I'm here I know what its like.. you know.. its funny cus.. half of the artist that sing these song that relate to us so much.. half of them haven't indered that Pain that most of us have.. and its soo tru. cus.. " love is like a role that we play" out like is a huge roll.. Please.. DROP the papers and lead you own life and not someone elses..
I'm going to leave you with this
Beauty lies where it is least expected in the cold mind of what is truely there
My Name is Jaynea.. and I was there.. for it all..