A letter I will never give my niece
Dear Munchkin,
I want you to know that I love you very much- I am pretty sure that I am in the top 5 for people who love you the most. And some of this you know and I have told you countless of times, but some of this I cannot share with you for a variety of reasons.
I am glad we have a bond and you know that you can tell me anything in confidence that you couldn't tell your mom. But sometimes it is really hard for me. You're the second American in the family, and therefore the second to go through being an American teenager. And it's hard because your mother can be a bit overbearing, but she loves you more than anything in the world. And it's easy for me to be "the cool adult" in the family that won't freak out when you talk about boys and the various other things that teenagers talk about. And I know it's a thing a lot of teenagers go through, but it'd downright scary when you tell me that you want to kill yourself.
And I would never tell you that because I don't want you to think that you can't talk to me. Logically, I know it's typical- and I went through it too. Emotionally- I am freaking out because I'm scared that it's not as typical because you might do it. And I know that if I go to your mother it will do more harm than good because I know what she is like- and whatever she does it will be out of love, but will only make you more depressed. I don't want to add more guilt- I don't want to add more pressure. So I will do my best to tell you and show you that you are loved, valued, and wonderful. You are one of five of the biggest blessings our family has.
I will tell you that this is normal and temporary, but still difficult, and painful, and you can always talk to me- and you have promised to call me if it ever gets worse. I will tell you that I love you, and that I am here for you, and that we still have tons of adventures to go on, especially next week, when you don't have all your school stuff. I will tell you that I wen through something similar, and I am glad I pushed past it- and that the image of your grandfather's funeral stopped me every time. I won't tell you that he didn't push past it. I won't tell you that your mom and I are the only ones who knew he didn't push past it. I wish I could tell you that your mother is my big sister, and I know that losing you to this would crush her worst than anything else in the world could. And I am scared that I am in the wrong for not telling her. I am hoping that the right thing is to give her peace, because telling her would only make things worse, and that you just need a shoulder to cry on and some ears to listen to you. Don't make me wrong.
I am always here for you, and I will always love you,
-B