More thoughts
A years worth of introspection.
This is probably going to be a rather long post so I’ll add the almost obligatory LJ cut to save uninterested parties the angst of reading my musing.
I don’t think that this year has any sufficient surprises for me and it’s a year I can’t wait to see the back off. But I also can’t take away the lessons I’ve learned or what impact it’s had on where I see myself headed.
One aspect which has been important was the whole “Stevie n’Lauragate” affair, to steal a term. This was educational in a lot of ways. That whole relationship destroyed a lot, blocked a fair bit more but also made clear things that, in retrospect, should have been clear to me earlier. Regarding my own behaviour, looking back it’s something I easily abhor. Way back when with all sorts of trash flying around, it was easy to validate what we were both doing wrong in a self perpetuating cycle of vindication and whatnot. Is such thought reductionist? I think so. In torturing each other and invading each others privacy as we did, for a time I became something that I didn’t want to be. A manipulator of the worst kind. One that I’d perceived others of being. Many comments were plants, designed to get a reaction. And they did. Yet, when the inquests began and someone who was totally unrelated to the mud slinging got caught in the cross fire, it was a snap back to reality. Not an immediate one. Far from it. Many people suffer from “last word syndrome.” Me? I wasn’t any different.
This power of provocation and monitor. It’d been used on me not so long earlier and there I was, doing the same thing. Reality bites Seif. And it nailed you there. That power I resolved to give up. And when it did leave me, finally, a few people I’d liked and respected were lost to me. Finality took his payment and left a contented man. But it’s a poor choice leaving nostalgia as a receipt. Aside from two, things could have been cool with those guys. You never say never in any scenario unless it’s a last resort. Who knows? From what I’ve seen, many of them have moved on and are happier; to them I wish the best. Others have remained pretty static and to them I’d warn that familiarity breed contempt. Easy one to fall into that.
Yet, out of my petulance, what maturity did develop? It wasn’t unaided. Life changing events shape perspective, if even temporally limited and constrained. My job loss, ending university and the mudslinging. Had an impact.
Bod being taken to hospital with viral meningitis. Getting the call when I was abroad from someone I believed to be able minded and good for him, to think he’ll be ok. To later be wrong on both accounts. When you’re buddy is in hospital for several weeks, whimsical observations on life evaporate. Reality kicks up another notch and begins to ride a speedster through your head at breakneck speeds. Pity he doesn’t realise he doesn’t have the space. Probably better for me he didn’t.
For anyone who’s seen their best mate on a drip, unable to do anything and not able to have a chat with him as his missus is around, to see a glow stick ninja (term of endearment) reduced to bed ridden wreck. Hit’s hard.
Then the same happened with Jason. Here I was getting all bend out of shape as I’d given him financial aid. Washed away again, as soon as those plastic curtains beckon and you wander into the same poor excuse for a nurse several days in a row.
And now he’s not even in the country. Victims of circumstance.
Took a while to get used to that one, still am in fact.
The job goes from strength to strength. A pay rise and a large bonus in 9 months can’t be a bad sign and I’m learning more as I go along. I’m not going to invest as much in this job as I did with the bank but as long as this is beneficial, it’ll do. There’s much more to come yet. I’m getting the same buzz from that that I used to get with modding.
It all points in the right direction. I’m not getting to know myself. This is better. I’m beginning to accept myself. And for the first time in ages, I’m not relying on conflict to do so or the reassuring bleating of someone else.
This is probably going to be a rather long post so I’ll add the almost obligatory LJ cut to save uninterested parties the angst of reading my musing.
I don’t think that this year has any sufficient surprises for me and it’s a year I can’t wait to see the back off. But I also can’t take away the lessons I’ve learned or what impact it’s had on where I see myself headed.
One aspect which has been important was the whole “Stevie n’Lauragate” affair, to steal a term. This was educational in a lot of ways. That whole relationship destroyed a lot, blocked a fair bit more but also made clear things that, in retrospect, should have been clear to me earlier. Regarding my own behaviour, looking back it’s something I easily abhor. Way back when with all sorts of trash flying around, it was easy to validate what we were both doing wrong in a self perpetuating cycle of vindication and whatnot. Is such thought reductionist? I think so. In torturing each other and invading each others privacy as we did, for a time I became something that I didn’t want to be. A manipulator of the worst kind. One that I’d perceived others of being. Many comments were plants, designed to get a reaction. And they did. Yet, when the inquests began and someone who was totally unrelated to the mud slinging got caught in the cross fire, it was a snap back to reality. Not an immediate one. Far from it. Many people suffer from “last word syndrome.” Me? I wasn’t any different.
This power of provocation and monitor. It’d been used on me not so long earlier and there I was, doing the same thing. Reality bites Seif. And it nailed you there. That power I resolved to give up. And when it did leave me, finally, a few people I’d liked and respected were lost to me. Finality took his payment and left a contented man. But it’s a poor choice leaving nostalgia as a receipt. Aside from two, things could have been cool with those guys. You never say never in any scenario unless it’s a last resort. Who knows? From what I’ve seen, many of them have moved on and are happier; to them I wish the best. Others have remained pretty static and to them I’d warn that familiarity breed contempt. Easy one to fall into that.
Yet, out of my petulance, what maturity did develop? It wasn’t unaided. Life changing events shape perspective, if even temporally limited and constrained. My job loss, ending university and the mudslinging. Had an impact.
Bod being taken to hospital with viral meningitis. Getting the call when I was abroad from someone I believed to be able minded and good for him, to think he’ll be ok. To later be wrong on both accounts. When you’re buddy is in hospital for several weeks, whimsical observations on life evaporate. Reality kicks up another notch and begins to ride a speedster through your head at breakneck speeds. Pity he doesn’t realise he doesn’t have the space. Probably better for me he didn’t.
For anyone who’s seen their best mate on a drip, unable to do anything and not able to have a chat with him as his missus is around, to see a glow stick ninja (term of endearment) reduced to bed ridden wreck. Hit’s hard.
Then the same happened with Jason. Here I was getting all bend out of shape as I’d given him financial aid. Washed away again, as soon as those plastic curtains beckon and you wander into the same poor excuse for a nurse several days in a row.
And now he’s not even in the country. Victims of circumstance.
Took a while to get used to that one, still am in fact.
The job goes from strength to strength. A pay rise and a large bonus in 9 months can’t be a bad sign and I’m learning more as I go along. I’m not going to invest as much in this job as I did with the bank but as long as this is beneficial, it’ll do. There’s much more to come yet. I’m getting the same buzz from that that I used to get with modding.
It all points in the right direction. I’m not getting to know myself. This is better. I’m beginning to accept myself. And for the first time in ages, I’m not relying on conflict to do so or the reassuring bleating of someone else.