Fic: The Right Choice is Often the Hardest (1/2)
The Right Choice is Often the Hardest
Author: laughter_now
Fandom: Star Trek XI
Pairing: Kirk/McCoy (established relationship)
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I don't own anything about the Star Trek Franchise. Wishful thinking is all I've got. That, and playing around in someone else's sandbox.
Summary: Leonard McCoy deals with life and death situations nearly every day. He knows what it's like to carry the responsibility for his crew. But he's a doctor, damn it, not a Bridge Officer. He is not supposed to end up in a situation where he has to give orders that might decide over who lives and - even worse - who dies.
Split up because of LJ's wordlimit (and because I haven't quite finished the second half yet).
This plot bunny attacked me while I was writing chapter 6 of AsQ and it didn't want to let go before I wrote it. So I did, because I'm just a slave to the bunnies.
Enjoy!
The Right Choice is Often the Hardest
Allegedly, human beings were adaptive, and capable of learning. If that were truly the case, Leonard McCoy should have long learned by now that nothing good could come out of staying in Medical when he was already off duty, especially for an experiment he could have as well set up tomorrow.
So if Leonard was truly adaptive and capable of learning, he would have long been in bed by now. There went yet another theory down the drain. It was the middle of gamma shift, and every sane person on this ship who wasn't on duty was asleep. But Leonard wasn't sleeping. In fact he was barely out of Sickbay and on his way to the turbolift to finally turn in for the night, when the ship suddenly lurched to the side with a sickening crash. Leonard was caught completely unawares, and the force of the impact threw him into the wall of the corridor. He twisted his arm as he tried to brace himself, and another lurch had him ending up on butt rather gracelessly, wondering what the hell was going on.
"Senior Officers to…Bridge…tical alert!" Sulu's static-interlaced voice sounded over the comm system before it was interrupted by a dull thud and a groan and the eerie silence that came from an untimely terminated transmission. A second later the alert lights were flashing and the klaxon sounded, raising everybody on the ship for tactical alert.
Technically, that order wasn't meant for Leonard. He was a Senior Officer, but his place during tactical alert was in main Sickbay. However, he was standing right in front of the turbolift doors that would take him to the bridge. And that thud and groan he had heard coming through the comm sounded as if someone on the bridge might need medical attention. Chapel was manning Sickbay during this gamma shift, and the tactical alert would raise M'Benga to come to her help. Unless there were many casualties, Sickbay was staffed sufficiently for now.
So the bridge it was.
The ride was mercifully short and uninterrupted by further impacts, but as the lift door opened, Leonard caught a glimpse of phaser fire and chaos on the view screen. Before he could even take a second to assess the situation, there was another explosion that rocked the ship and threw Leonard to the side until he managed to grab a hold of the empty chair in front of the science station and stop his momentum. Someone was screaming behind him, and distantly he heard the sound of an extinguisher unit being turned on somewhere to his left.
Just brilliant. The last thing they needed right now was a fire on the bridge.
Leonard quickly straightened up and looked around the bridge. He had been here during many tense situations, even during the occasional firefight. But never once before had there been chaos on the bridge. Not when Spock or Jim had the conn.
Now there was.
Two crewmen were extinguishing a fire in a console on the right-hand wall of the bridge, and two more were crowding around a prone form on the ground beside the Captain's Chair. One lone ensign was manning the pilot's console. Leonard had been a doctor for over ten years now, and his reaction to seeing a prone body was Pavlovian. He didn't have his med-kit with him, but still he immediately went over and knelt down beside the unconscious man. It was Sulu, he realized. The young pilot was obviously unconscious, and there was blood in his hair from a wound that was hidden from view by the dark strands. There was a sizable pool of blood beneath his head already, but Leonard wasn't immediately concerned about that. Head wounds always bled badly. Sulu's pulse was strong and steady, and his breathing was regular, even if a bit flat for Leonard's liking. But all in all he probably wasn't in any immediate danger.
Leonard looked up, for the first time taking a closer look at the two crew members who were kneeling beside him. Ensign Sakata was a petite young woman, but Ensign Hiller was muscular and well-trained. That should do it.
"Hiller, take the Lieutenant to Sickbay."
"Yes, Sir."
Hiller slung Sulu's arm over his shoulder and carefully he and Leonard moved the unconscious Lieutenant into a standing position. Sulu wasn't going to be much help walking, but Hiller would manage getting him to Sickbay.
"Just watch out that you don't jolt him around too much, and don't let him hit his head again."
Hiller nodded in lieu of a verbal answer, and when the turbolift doors opened Leonard helped him drag Sulu through it before he engaged the panel for G-Deck. He could have gone with Hiller and helped him, but he wanted to take a look around the bridge first and see if anybody else needed medical attention.
On a causal glance, nobody did. But what the four remaining crewmembers did looked anything but organized, and it didn't seem to follow any kind of protocol or plan. Leonard cast a quick glance at the view screen to see what had caused this damn uproar in the first place.
There was the uninhabited moon they were orbiting, the one where an away team was currently on a survey mission. There as nothing unusual about that sight, not as far as Leonard could tell. But he distinctly remembered that the huge starship that was looming behind the moon hadn't been there the last time he had looked through one of the observation portholes.
Just brilliant.
"What is going on here?"
The ensign who was manning the pilot's seat, what was her name…Wilkerson…Wilmington, that was it. Ensign Wilmington turned around and looked at him.
"We're under fire from an unknown vessel. Lieutenant Sulu tried hailing them, but they didn't respond. They simply opened fire."
Yeah well, not every species went into space for making new friends. However, Enterprise was equipped to respond in kind, should the need arise. Only, they were not, which was something Leonard didn't understand.
"Then why the hell aren't we firing back?"
"Sir," Wilmington seemed uncomfortable, "we took a direct hit without the shields up, and then suddenly Lieutenant Sulu was down, and now…well, we were hoping that a bridge officer was going to come answer the Lieutenant's hail."
Leonard looked around and suddenly the realization hit him like a punch to the gut. Ensigns Wilmington and Sakata were the highest ranking crewmembers on the bridge right now, the rest were simple crewmen. It was the middle of gamma shift, and it wasn't just an empty saying amongst Starfleet Cadets that gamma was the Greek word for graveyard. Hardly anything ever happened during those hours of endless boring travel at warp speed, and it was often the time when less experienced crewmembers were given bridge duty under the surveillance of a senior officer.
But now that senior officer was down, and none of the people present had any experience with taking command, let alone the legal right to assume command.
Neither did Leonard, when it came down to it. True, he had received tactical training and instructions over the past couple of months, upon Jim's insistence. As had all Senior Officers who weren't yet qualified to assume command of the bridge. Jim wanted to make sure that as many officers as possible were able to take command should the need arise. But despite all the theory and practical exercises, Leonard wasn't yet certified officially, and he wouldn't be until the next time they returned to Earth and he could take the exams.
"Sir? Shields are holding, but they don't seem able to withstand their weapons entirely. They're down to 76 percent. What are we supposed to do?"
Wilmington looked as if she was fully expecting Leonard to make a choice and give her an order. Which she probably was, come to think of it. He was the highest ranking officer on the bridge after all, and the fact that he had no right to give any kinds of commands probably didn't factor in for her at all.
Just as Leonard was about to draw breath and demand that she hailed Spock, Scotty or hell even Chekov over the comm, a bright flash of phaser fire flashed over the view screen, and the fragment of a second later the ship lurched again as the shot impacted somewhere in the lower levels of the ship. Again, Leonard was thrown around like a rag-doll and had to hold on to the edge of a console so that he didn't fall down on his ass.
Right. He had it.
Enough was enough.
If nobody was here to give orders, then Leonard was damn well going to jump in and give them, whether or not he was supposed to. Screw Starfleet regulations, because right now Leonard McCoy was one very pissed off CMO. These uncommunicative bastards in that other ship shouldn't think that they could just come and shoot at the Enterprise, injuring people who would then fill up Leonard's sickbay and make his life even more difficult.
Oh no.
If these aliens thought they could ruin Leonard's well-earned rest after a double shift, he had news for them, and it wasn't good.
"All right everybody, listen up! Man the stations and make note in the ship's log that I'm assuming command until an officer who is actually certified for command deigns to show up for duty. I'm assuming full responsibility for this. Wilmington, evasive maneuver Delta 4-2, let's see how they like that."
He cast a short glance around to see who else was actually on the bridge and who held which station. When he saw the slightly helpless glances that were cast back in his direction, he made a mental note to talk to Jim about manning the bridge during gamma shifts. This was ridiculous.
Wilmington was manning the pilot's console, and Ensign Sakata had taken over the tactical console that was Chekov's during alpha shift. Else, there were crewmen Bell and Santiago, the former manning the science station and the latter another of the consoles that belonged to tactical.
Kids, that's what they were. Probably, Jim had managed to put the youngest and most green crewmembers on the bridge for this shift, and now that Sulu was out of commission they were totally lost and helpless. And Leonard himself didn't have any experience in commanding a starship, either. Just brilliant.
This was like a complicated brain surgery done by a doctor who had never performed the procedure before, assisted a bunch of students who were barely out of med-school. Leonard had serious doubts that the patient was going to get through this unscathed. But to hell with it, they had to try.
But he wasn't going to sit down in the command chair. There had to be a limit to how far he was willing to take this, after all, and maybe someone who actually belonged on this bridge was going to come and take over from him anytime soon. Hopefully someone was going to come.
"Santiago, try to reach Spock again. Try his quarters, and the science lab. Make a ship wide announcement for all I care, just get him up here. Bell, go to the communications console and try to hail the other ship. If they don't respond, hail the away team and tell the Captain what's going on, just in case they missed the fireworks."
Inwardly, Leonard was cursing a blue streak. Jim had chosen just the right moment to sign up for an away mission that actually asked for engineers and science personnel, and not the Captain. There was no sentient life at all on that moon despite the fact that it had an atmosphere. There was nothing worth making first contact with. Earth had been well-acquainted with rock and meager plant-life for millennia, their Captain really didn't need to leave the ship to say hello to that. But that was Jim, and Leonard had long ago given up trying to understand the other man's need to be in the on the off-chance things got dangerous. Once he got back, though, there were going to be words. Angry words, and Jim shouldn't think that he was going to deter Leonard from that conversation with the promise of sex. Oh no. This time, Jim was going to listen to what he had to say about assigning duties on the ship.
"Sir, the alien vessel is not responding to our hails. And I can't raise the away team, either."
Leonard should have guessed that it wasn't going to be this easy. With a sigh, he turned back to crewman Santiago.
"What about Spock?"
The young man shook his head. "Sorry, Sir. Communication seems to be down. Bell could try again from his station, but it seems that the ship wide comm is down."
And wasn't that just bloody great. Leonard did some quick thinking, but it wasn't as if he had any other choice. Three was the absolute minimum number of crewmembers on the bridge by Starfleet regulations, and with him there would still be four of them if he sent one of them away now. Besides, it wasn't as if he had been acting anything according to regulation over the past minutes.
"Bell, you're a member of the science team?"
Startled, the young man nodded. "Yes, Sir."
"Well, congratulations. You've just been promoted to impromptu Communications Officer. Get me Spock up here, or Chekov. Hell, while you're at it try to find Uhura, Scotty or anybody else you can find who actually has any damn business being up here on the bridge."
"How Sir? Santiago is right, the comm system is down."
And really, Leonard wanted to slap himself. Or something. Preferably someone else, actually. Crewman Bell seemed like a good target right now.
He didn't want to further complicate matters by introducing physical violence to the situation, but he couldn't stop his tone from turning icy as he replied.
"How do you guess people communicated with one another before the comm was invented?" He pointed towards the turbolift doors. "Go out there and figure out what's going on aboard. If nobody can report in through the comm, I want to know where the senior officers are, what's going on in Engineering and whether or not we're about to blow up anytime soon, do I make myself clear?"
"Yes, Sir."
"Good. Then go."
Bell got up from his seat at the communications console, and Leonard gestured for Santiago to take his place. But the turbolift doors opened before Bell had even reached them, and ensign Hiller returned. Some of Sulu's blood had dripped onto his uniform shirt, and he was panting as if he had run on his way back.
"Sir, there's substantial damage from the hits we took. Turbolifts don't work below G-Deck, and ship wide communication is down."
"Tell me about it." The bad news just didn't stop. Medical was on G-Deck, which meant that everyone between the bridge and there still had access to Sickbay, but all the decks beyond didn't. There were two smaller medical bays in different parts of the ship, but only the main Sickbay was outfitted for bigger casualties and procedures. If there were injuries in Engineering or the living quarters below G-Deck from those hits they had taken, things were going to get complicated.
But one thing after another. There was nothing Leonard could do about that now. He nodded towards Bell who was still standing in front of the turbolift doors, as if Hiller's news had discouraged him from leaving the bridge.
"Bell, just go already. If the turbolifts don't work, climb down the ladders in the service shafts or use the crawlspaces. Lifts aren't the only way to get around the ship, for crying out loud. If you can, get down to Engineering and see what's going on there. And get someone to repair the damn comm system."
"Aye, Sir!" Bell sprinted off, and Hiller took a seat at an empty tactical console.
"Someone give me a status report. I want to know what damages we sustained, and give me the status of the engines."
"Weapons are online and targeting scanners are locked on the alien vessel. Shields are holding and still at 76 percent," Sakata replied immediately. "No incoming damage reports, but Impulse and Warp engines are online."
Well, at least that was something.
"Ensign, scan the alien vessel. I want to know as much about their ship as possible."
"Yes, Sir."
"Sir, they're preparing to fire again."
"Evasive maneuver, Wilmington."
"Aye Sir. Evasive maneuver Beta 3-1."
Leonard nodded to himself, mentally going through the list of maneuvers he had memorized. When he realized what they were about to do, he sprinted towards the pilot's console.
"Hold that order, Ensign. Evasive maneuver Delta 2-2. Damn it, you don't use a maneuver that puts the moon between us and the enemy if we still have an away team on that moon!"
Leonard looked up at the view screen and watched how they were flying a curve away from the moon, the alien ship in pursuit. Again the ship fired its weapons, hitting them directly in the aft shields. The impact wasn't as jarring, but still they were hit.
"Shields holding at 48 percent."
Their evasive maneuvers weren't helping much apparently, and damn it, Leonard had already overstepped his professional capacities more than once this night, what was another infraction in the light of that? And although he had vowed not to do it, he was tired of being jostled around and nearly getting thrown on his ass while they were being pursued. It wasn't as if anybody was going to care at this point.
Leonard said down in the command chair, although he had never felt more uncomfortable than he was doing now. This was way over his head, and the worst thing was that he knew they could not just try to escape the alien ship and try to dodge their weapon's fire. Especially since their shields weren't going to stand many more of those hits.
Leonard had thought he'd never have to give that particular command in real life, not even after getting certified for bridge command had become an issue. How likely was it that he as CMO was ever going to take the bridge, let alone get engaged in a firefight?
Apparently, not as unlikely as Leonard had always thought.
Hell, he was probably facing a court martial for assuming command, anyway, might as well make it worth it.
"Sakata, lock weapons on their shield generators. Or whatever resembles shield generators on their ship."
"Aye, sir."
Leonard drew a deep breath, but there was no doubt that this was an order he had to give.
"Fire."
It was surreal to see the phaser burst shoot through space and to know that he had ordered this. As a doctor, Leonard had always seen it as his task to save lives. Life was something precious to him, and giving an order that could potentially destroy lives seemed like a sacrilegious act. It was crossing a line that went against every oath he had ever sworn.
But he was giving that order to save lives, that was the one thought he had to hold on to. Right now, by some crappy coincidences, the lives of every crewmember aboard was in his hands, and though Leonard felt woefully inadequate to carry that responsibility, he simply had to accept it and act to the best of his knowledge.
Enterprise hadn't taken the first shot. The initial aggression had come from the alien vessel, so they had to take into consideration that Enterprise was going to fire back.
The shot impacted in the lower section of the alien vessel. The shields glowed visibly for a second, then the ship let forth another burst of fire towards the Enterprise.
"No visible damage to the alien vessel," Sakata reported unnecessarily. Leonard could see that for himself. "Their shields are still holding up at a hundred percent."
"Fire at will, ensign. Maximum yield."
"Aye, Sir."
Leonard had watched firefights before, even form this very bridge. But he quickly realized that it was something else entirely to be watching a firefight when somebody else was in command. Before, he had always been able to put his faith in Jim and convince himself that he was going to come up with an ingenious idea to get them even out of the worst situation. Right now, Leonard could only watch as the alien vessel took their fire without so much as a hitch in its smooth maneuvering, while Enterprise barely managed to dodge most of their phaser bursts. The only thing they did manage was to draw the enemy ship away from the moon, and the defenseless away team that was still stuck there, and that was a long way from something worth being called a victory. It was barely a temporary reprieve.
They took two more direct hits that rocked the ship and had Leonard cling on to the captain's chair. There were still no damage reports coming in, which pretty much meant that all intra-ship communication was down. In turn, that meant Leonard couldn't really trust any of the readings he was getting from all over the ship, because if the other stations couldn't report in, updates on engine and shield status were unreliable, at best. Once their shields were down, they'd be completely lost without that data.
"Damn it, I need communications! We're flying blind here, I need to know what's happening on the ship!"
"Communications are still down, Sir." Hiller replied. "I tried to get the system back online, but it seems the problem is in the main communications server. Something must have overloaded during those first hits we took. It looks like the system needs manual repairs in the communications server room."
"Yeah well, it doesn't seem likely that anyone of us is getting down there anytime soon now, does it? So we can only hope that someone else is already trying to fix it. What else can you give me?"
Hiller shook his head. "Nothing much. Engines are still online, warp drive is fully functional. Assuming of course that the data is correct. Without any damage reports, I don't know how reliable it is."
Leonard vowed never again to complain if the tolerance levels of the scanning chamber results in Sickbay went up to 0.2 percent. Never again. That was still a lot more reliable than this total blindness as to what was going on in the ship.
The ship rocked with another hit.
"Shields at 15 percent, Sir. They won't hold up many more of those hits."
Damn it, damn it, damn it.
Without shields, all they could do was tuck in their tail and run off. Or face a firefight with an alien vessel that was technically superior to them without shields, but that was going to be the shortest firefight in the history of the Federation. Leonard wasn't going to be the one who lost Starfleet's flagship like that.
Damn it.
"Sir, they're veering off."
And it spoke volumes about the severity of the situation that not even those words were a relief to Leonard. Not even the most irrational alien started a firefight, only to stop once they had rendered their opponent nearly defenseless.
"Where are they headed, Ensign?"
Wilmington tapped her console frantically, then she turned back with wide eyes.
"They're headed towards the moon."
"Follow them. Put us between the moon and their ship, and put whatever energy we have into the shields. Draw power from anything that isn't life support or the engines if necessary."
"Aye sir."
By the time the alien ship fired its first phaser burst towards the moon, they barely managed to put Enterprise in the way of the weapon's fire. Leonard knew that it was a dumb move. Now the aliens knew for a fact that there was something they considered worth protecting on that moon, and that they were ready to place their damaged ship in the line of fire to protect it. If the aliens hadn't been interested in the moon before, now they definitely were.
But there was no way Leonard could not give that order. The away team was even more defenseless than they were, and the shuttle's shields would not withstand even a single blast from the enemy weapons, so there was no way they could leave the moon without drawing fire towards themselves.
Enterprise just had to bear the brunt, although Leonard had no idea what they were going to do once their shields failed.
Another hit rocked the ship.
"Shields are holding at 10 percent, Sir. They won't hold much more of that."
Wilmington was working hard to keep Enterprise always in between the enemy ship and the moon, but Leonard knew that in the long run he could not risk the lives of hundreds of crewmembers to draw the fire away from the team on the moon.
"Goddamnit! Their ship has to have a weak spot. A plasma outlet, a generator, anything we can hit that actually causes some damage. For crying out loud, there's gotta be one thing we can use to our advantage!"
Sakata shook her head. "No Sir, our scans show nothing of that sort. The only thing…"
"What?" Leonard snapped impatiently. "Good Lord woman, if you have found anything that could help us then spit it out!"
"Well, according to our scan their ship probably cannot go faster than warp 4. It seems to have been build for strength, not speed. We should be able to easily outfly it."
No.
Not an option.
They were not going to fly away at maximum warp while the away team was still on that moon. Not while Jim was still on that moon, a selfish little voice in the back of his head whispered. Not if Leonard had anything to say about it.
Another blast rocked the ship, and the alarms that had been ringing in the background for the entire time increased in volume and intensity.
"Shields are failing, sir. They can take out our engines with the next shot. And if they hit the warp core, we'll all be dead. We can't sustain another hit."
Leonard knew the choice he had to make even before Sakata finished speaking. Had known it for the entire firefight, really. Their weapons couldn't damage the alien ship, their shields were too weak against their firepower, and the only thing Enterprise was actually in advantage over them was speed.
They could only get out of this alive if they left.
"They're charging weapons."
Leonard felt as if he was standing beside himself, looking down at the desperate man in the captain's chair who was about to make a decision that was going to impact the life of everyone on board, worst of all his own. In a voice that wasn't his own, Leonard heard himself give the command.
"Take us out of here, Ensign. Maximum warp."
"Aye, sir."
Wilmington punched in the appropriate commands. The last thing Leonard saw was the alien ship firing another phaser volley, then the image on the view screen turned into the blurred lines of stars at warp, and Leonard sank back in the chair with the feeling that a vital part of him had just been left behind. Without Enterprise as a shield, that last phaser blast had been aimed directly at the moon.
"Sir, the alien vessel is not following."
Leonard merely nodded, not trusting his voice to speak. He had to make sure to get the ship to safety, reestablish ship wide communications and get started on the repairs. If he only kept thinking about that, he wouldn't have to contemplate what he had just done.
"Sir," Bell said in a timid voice. "The Captain and the away team, we can't just leave them behind."
Something roared up inside of Leonard, something dark, sad and ugly. It was unlike anything he had ever felt before, and he was powerless against it. Bell hadn't earned to be on the receiving end of this, but he was the unfortunate soul who had dared to open his mouth.
"Ten minutes ago you were all looking for someone to give you orders. I did, and your concerns are duly noted. But unless you have an idea how we can stand a chance against that ship when all we have is inferior firepower and no shields, I suggest you shut up now and make sure we get the hell out of here."
Bell had the decency to blush slightly, but Leonard didn't care.
"Take us a safe distance away and then drop out of warp. Watch the long-range sensors for any sign of the alien vessel, and then find out what the hell is wrong with our ship. I want the shields back online and communications reestablished as soon as possible, do I make myself clear?"
"Yes, sir!" A chorus voices answered, and Leonard sank back in the chair, feeling suddenly deflated and boneless.
He had just ordered six men to be left behind in the presence of an aggressive unknown species who had seemed all too keen on shooting first and asking questions later. They had all but dodged out of the way of that last phaser burst and left the away team unprotected and directly in the line of fire. And until repairs were done and shields were back in working order, there was no way for them to go back there and see what had happened. Not without risking the entire crew.
It had seemed like the right choice at the moment, but Leonard couldn't shake the feeling that if someone more experienced had had command at the time, they'd have found a better way to deal with the situation. A way that wouldn't have cost the lives of six crewmembers, one of whom was Jim.
Jim.
Leonard couldn't afford to think about that now, but it was as if his thoughts were able to circle around one thing, and one thing only. He had just given the order to sacrifice Jim to save the ship, and that thought made the bile rise in his throat. It was a floodgate of thoughts and feelings that had opened, one he was unable to stop or control.
Jim.
Jim with those incredibly blue eyes Leonard could lose himself in, with that impish grin that could fool so many but turned into that soft, tender and real smile only for him. Leonard couldn't, and didn't want to imagine what life would be without Jim. He could barely understand anymore how he had managed to live with half a heart for twenty-eight years of his life. He had never taken Jim for granted, not with the lives they led, but the thought that it had been him and not some heroic act in the line of duty that had ended Jim's life was one that felt like an impossible weight on Leonard's chest.
It wasn't supposed to be like this.
It was supposed to be them together for as many years as they could cheat the universe out of, and five years of knowing each other, three years of loving each other in a way Leonard had never experienced before simply wasn't enough. Damn it, he wanted more, and after all the crap life had thrown at him so far he thought he was entitle for more.
He wanted Jim beside him when he fell asleep in the evening, and he wanted Jim there when he woke up again in the morning. He wanted Jim to come interrupt him in Sickbay whenever he got bored on the bridge, because even though he griped and grumbled about it every single time, Leonard was looking forward to seeing Jim whenever he could. He wanted to patch up and berate Jim whenever he managed to get himself bumped up on an away mission, and he wanted to see that underlying trust in Jim's eyes when he smiled crookedly at him and said 'Good thing you're always there to fix me up'.
He didn't want to face the fact that he was never going to touch Jim again, feel him quiver under his hands, see those incredible eyes go wide and dark with arousal when they were together.
He wanted more time.
More time with Jim.
He wanted more time to finally get over all those stupid self-doubts and hesitations and tell Jim that he wanted this to be forever. He wanted to finally get a chance to get over himself and take that ring out its hiding place in his office desk drawer and ask Jim if he wanted forever, too.
But now there was no more time, and it was Leonard's own damn fault.
There had been no other choice, he knew that, but that didn't take away any of the pain. It was his fault, that's what it all came down to. It was his fault that Jim had been left behind. His fault that Jim was gone.
"We're dropping our of warp, Sir."
Leonard nodded, swallowing hard against the lump in his throat. There were other things to focus on right now, important things to make sure that the crew and the ship were going to get out of this unharmed. He could have his breakdown once all that was over and done with. Once he was alone. That was a state he had to get used to, anyway.
The image on the view screen changed from the bright stripes of war travel to the view of nothing but empty space and stars as they dropped out of warp. He drew a breath to give the order that somebody better finally find Spock and drag him here by the tip of his pointed hobgoblin ears if necessary, but at that moment the alarms fell silent and the lights went back on.
"What he hell?"
Leonard turned the chair as the doors to the turbolift opened.
"Not bad, Bones. Not bad at all."
Leonard couldn't breathe. He must have hit his head at some point during the firefight, and now he was unconscious or hallucinating. Emerging from the turbolift were Spock, Sulu and Jim, who was grinning widely at him.
Jim.
Alive and unharmed. Alive.
Leonard got out of the captain's chair and stood on legs that didn't seem to belong himself. He blinked rapidly, but the image in front of him didn't change. Jim was here, on the bridge with him. Whatever had happened, Jim wasn't on that moon. He was here, and he was alive.
Leonard didn't understand what the hell was going on, but right now his brain seemed incapable of processing anything beyond the thought that Jim wasn't dead.
"What…"
"Doctor." Spock had a PADD in hand which he consulted before he continued. "There are some details we need to discuss, but let me extend my congratulations. You passed."
Next to Spock, Jim was bouncing excitedly on the balls of his feet, like a kid in the moments before his birthday surprise. Leonard didn't understand a damn thing of what was going on.
"Passed? What the hell is going on here?"
Jim stopped bouncing and his grin widened even more.
"Your Bridge Officer's Test, Bones. You just passed it with flying colors. Congratulations."
Leonard didn't know what to say. But he knew the feeling that was rising up inside of him at this very moment. He knew it very well. It was fury.
Next Part
The Bridge Officer's Test is a real Starfleet thing that I tweaked a little for my purposes. But more explanation about that will follow in the next chapter. If you want to read up on it, follow the link to the Memory Alpha entry.
I'm working on the second part, because my brain won't let me continue AsQ before this is finished. Sorry for that.
Thanks for reading. As always, please let me know what you think. Thanks a lot.
Author: laughter_now
Fandom: Star Trek XI
Pairing: Kirk/McCoy (established relationship)
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I don't own anything about the Star Trek Franchise. Wishful thinking is all I've got. That, and playing around in someone else's sandbox.
Summary: Leonard McCoy deals with life and death situations nearly every day. He knows what it's like to carry the responsibility for his crew. But he's a doctor, damn it, not a Bridge Officer. He is not supposed to end up in a situation where he has to give orders that might decide over who lives and - even worse - who dies.
Split up because of LJ's wordlimit (and because I haven't quite finished the second half yet).
This plot bunny attacked me while I was writing chapter 6 of AsQ and it didn't want to let go before I wrote it. So I did, because I'm just a slave to the bunnies.
Enjoy!
The Right Choice is Often the Hardest
Allegedly, human beings were adaptive, and capable of learning. If that were truly the case, Leonard McCoy should have long learned by now that nothing good could come out of staying in Medical when he was already off duty, especially for an experiment he could have as well set up tomorrow.
So if Leonard was truly adaptive and capable of learning, he would have long been in bed by now. There went yet another theory down the drain. It was the middle of gamma shift, and every sane person on this ship who wasn't on duty was asleep. But Leonard wasn't sleeping. In fact he was barely out of Sickbay and on his way to the turbolift to finally turn in for the night, when the ship suddenly lurched to the side with a sickening crash. Leonard was caught completely unawares, and the force of the impact threw him into the wall of the corridor. He twisted his arm as he tried to brace himself, and another lurch had him ending up on butt rather gracelessly, wondering what the hell was going on.
"Senior Officers to…Bridge…tical alert!" Sulu's static-interlaced voice sounded over the comm system before it was interrupted by a dull thud and a groan and the eerie silence that came from an untimely terminated transmission. A second later the alert lights were flashing and the klaxon sounded, raising everybody on the ship for tactical alert.
Technically, that order wasn't meant for Leonard. He was a Senior Officer, but his place during tactical alert was in main Sickbay. However, he was standing right in front of the turbolift doors that would take him to the bridge. And that thud and groan he had heard coming through the comm sounded as if someone on the bridge might need medical attention. Chapel was manning Sickbay during this gamma shift, and the tactical alert would raise M'Benga to come to her help. Unless there were many casualties, Sickbay was staffed sufficiently for now.
So the bridge it was.
The ride was mercifully short and uninterrupted by further impacts, but as the lift door opened, Leonard caught a glimpse of phaser fire and chaos on the view screen. Before he could even take a second to assess the situation, there was another explosion that rocked the ship and threw Leonard to the side until he managed to grab a hold of the empty chair in front of the science station and stop his momentum. Someone was screaming behind him, and distantly he heard the sound of an extinguisher unit being turned on somewhere to his left.
Just brilliant. The last thing they needed right now was a fire on the bridge.
Leonard quickly straightened up and looked around the bridge. He had been here during many tense situations, even during the occasional firefight. But never once before had there been chaos on the bridge. Not when Spock or Jim had the conn.
Now there was.
Two crewmen were extinguishing a fire in a console on the right-hand wall of the bridge, and two more were crowding around a prone form on the ground beside the Captain's Chair. One lone ensign was manning the pilot's console. Leonard had been a doctor for over ten years now, and his reaction to seeing a prone body was Pavlovian. He didn't have his med-kit with him, but still he immediately went over and knelt down beside the unconscious man. It was Sulu, he realized. The young pilot was obviously unconscious, and there was blood in his hair from a wound that was hidden from view by the dark strands. There was a sizable pool of blood beneath his head already, but Leonard wasn't immediately concerned about that. Head wounds always bled badly. Sulu's pulse was strong and steady, and his breathing was regular, even if a bit flat for Leonard's liking. But all in all he probably wasn't in any immediate danger.
Leonard looked up, for the first time taking a closer look at the two crew members who were kneeling beside him. Ensign Sakata was a petite young woman, but Ensign Hiller was muscular and well-trained. That should do it.
"Hiller, take the Lieutenant to Sickbay."
"Yes, Sir."
Hiller slung Sulu's arm over his shoulder and carefully he and Leonard moved the unconscious Lieutenant into a standing position. Sulu wasn't going to be much help walking, but Hiller would manage getting him to Sickbay.
"Just watch out that you don't jolt him around too much, and don't let him hit his head again."
Hiller nodded in lieu of a verbal answer, and when the turbolift doors opened Leonard helped him drag Sulu through it before he engaged the panel for G-Deck. He could have gone with Hiller and helped him, but he wanted to take a look around the bridge first and see if anybody else needed medical attention.
On a causal glance, nobody did. But what the four remaining crewmembers did looked anything but organized, and it didn't seem to follow any kind of protocol or plan. Leonard cast a quick glance at the view screen to see what had caused this damn uproar in the first place.
There was the uninhabited moon they were orbiting, the one where an away team was currently on a survey mission. There as nothing unusual about that sight, not as far as Leonard could tell. But he distinctly remembered that the huge starship that was looming behind the moon hadn't been there the last time he had looked through one of the observation portholes.
Just brilliant.
"What is going on here?"
The ensign who was manning the pilot's seat, what was her name…Wilkerson…Wilmington, that was it. Ensign Wilmington turned around and looked at him.
"We're under fire from an unknown vessel. Lieutenant Sulu tried hailing them, but they didn't respond. They simply opened fire."
Yeah well, not every species went into space for making new friends. However, Enterprise was equipped to respond in kind, should the need arise. Only, they were not, which was something Leonard didn't understand.
"Then why the hell aren't we firing back?"
"Sir," Wilmington seemed uncomfortable, "we took a direct hit without the shields up, and then suddenly Lieutenant Sulu was down, and now…well, we were hoping that a bridge officer was going to come answer the Lieutenant's hail."
Leonard looked around and suddenly the realization hit him like a punch to the gut. Ensigns Wilmington and Sakata were the highest ranking crewmembers on the bridge right now, the rest were simple crewmen. It was the middle of gamma shift, and it wasn't just an empty saying amongst Starfleet Cadets that gamma was the Greek word for graveyard. Hardly anything ever happened during those hours of endless boring travel at warp speed, and it was often the time when less experienced crewmembers were given bridge duty under the surveillance of a senior officer.
But now that senior officer was down, and none of the people present had any experience with taking command, let alone the legal right to assume command.
Neither did Leonard, when it came down to it. True, he had received tactical training and instructions over the past couple of months, upon Jim's insistence. As had all Senior Officers who weren't yet qualified to assume command of the bridge. Jim wanted to make sure that as many officers as possible were able to take command should the need arise. But despite all the theory and practical exercises, Leonard wasn't yet certified officially, and he wouldn't be until the next time they returned to Earth and he could take the exams.
"Sir? Shields are holding, but they don't seem able to withstand their weapons entirely. They're down to 76 percent. What are we supposed to do?"
Wilmington looked as if she was fully expecting Leonard to make a choice and give her an order. Which she probably was, come to think of it. He was the highest ranking officer on the bridge after all, and the fact that he had no right to give any kinds of commands probably didn't factor in for her at all.
Just as Leonard was about to draw breath and demand that she hailed Spock, Scotty or hell even Chekov over the comm, a bright flash of phaser fire flashed over the view screen, and the fragment of a second later the ship lurched again as the shot impacted somewhere in the lower levels of the ship. Again, Leonard was thrown around like a rag-doll and had to hold on to the edge of a console so that he didn't fall down on his ass.
Right. He had it.
Enough was enough.
If nobody was here to give orders, then Leonard was damn well going to jump in and give them, whether or not he was supposed to. Screw Starfleet regulations, because right now Leonard McCoy was one very pissed off CMO. These uncommunicative bastards in that other ship shouldn't think that they could just come and shoot at the Enterprise, injuring people who would then fill up Leonard's sickbay and make his life even more difficult.
Oh no.
If these aliens thought they could ruin Leonard's well-earned rest after a double shift, he had news for them, and it wasn't good.
"All right everybody, listen up! Man the stations and make note in the ship's log that I'm assuming command until an officer who is actually certified for command deigns to show up for duty. I'm assuming full responsibility for this. Wilmington, evasive maneuver Delta 4-2, let's see how they like that."
He cast a short glance around to see who else was actually on the bridge and who held which station. When he saw the slightly helpless glances that were cast back in his direction, he made a mental note to talk to Jim about manning the bridge during gamma shifts. This was ridiculous.
Wilmington was manning the pilot's console, and Ensign Sakata had taken over the tactical console that was Chekov's during alpha shift. Else, there were crewmen Bell and Santiago, the former manning the science station and the latter another of the consoles that belonged to tactical.
Kids, that's what they were. Probably, Jim had managed to put the youngest and most green crewmembers on the bridge for this shift, and now that Sulu was out of commission they were totally lost and helpless. And Leonard himself didn't have any experience in commanding a starship, either. Just brilliant.
This was like a complicated brain surgery done by a doctor who had never performed the procedure before, assisted a bunch of students who were barely out of med-school. Leonard had serious doubts that the patient was going to get through this unscathed. But to hell with it, they had to try.
But he wasn't going to sit down in the command chair. There had to be a limit to how far he was willing to take this, after all, and maybe someone who actually belonged on this bridge was going to come and take over from him anytime soon. Hopefully someone was going to come.
"Santiago, try to reach Spock again. Try his quarters, and the science lab. Make a ship wide announcement for all I care, just get him up here. Bell, go to the communications console and try to hail the other ship. If they don't respond, hail the away team and tell the Captain what's going on, just in case they missed the fireworks."
Inwardly, Leonard was cursing a blue streak. Jim had chosen just the right moment to sign up for an away mission that actually asked for engineers and science personnel, and not the Captain. There was no sentient life at all on that moon despite the fact that it had an atmosphere. There was nothing worth making first contact with. Earth had been well-acquainted with rock and meager plant-life for millennia, their Captain really didn't need to leave the ship to say hello to that. But that was Jim, and Leonard had long ago given up trying to understand the other man's need to be in the on the off-chance things got dangerous. Once he got back, though, there were going to be words. Angry words, and Jim shouldn't think that he was going to deter Leonard from that conversation with the promise of sex. Oh no. This time, Jim was going to listen to what he had to say about assigning duties on the ship.
"Sir, the alien vessel is not responding to our hails. And I can't raise the away team, either."
Leonard should have guessed that it wasn't going to be this easy. With a sigh, he turned back to crewman Santiago.
"What about Spock?"
The young man shook his head. "Sorry, Sir. Communication seems to be down. Bell could try again from his station, but it seems that the ship wide comm is down."
And wasn't that just bloody great. Leonard did some quick thinking, but it wasn't as if he had any other choice. Three was the absolute minimum number of crewmembers on the bridge by Starfleet regulations, and with him there would still be four of them if he sent one of them away now. Besides, it wasn't as if he had been acting anything according to regulation over the past minutes.
"Bell, you're a member of the science team?"
Startled, the young man nodded. "Yes, Sir."
"Well, congratulations. You've just been promoted to impromptu Communications Officer. Get me Spock up here, or Chekov. Hell, while you're at it try to find Uhura, Scotty or anybody else you can find who actually has any damn business being up here on the bridge."
"How Sir? Santiago is right, the comm system is down."
And really, Leonard wanted to slap himself. Or something. Preferably someone else, actually. Crewman Bell seemed like a good target right now.
He didn't want to further complicate matters by introducing physical violence to the situation, but he couldn't stop his tone from turning icy as he replied.
"How do you guess people communicated with one another before the comm was invented?" He pointed towards the turbolift doors. "Go out there and figure out what's going on aboard. If nobody can report in through the comm, I want to know where the senior officers are, what's going on in Engineering and whether or not we're about to blow up anytime soon, do I make myself clear?"
"Yes, Sir."
"Good. Then go."
Bell got up from his seat at the communications console, and Leonard gestured for Santiago to take his place. But the turbolift doors opened before Bell had even reached them, and ensign Hiller returned. Some of Sulu's blood had dripped onto his uniform shirt, and he was panting as if he had run on his way back.
"Sir, there's substantial damage from the hits we took. Turbolifts don't work below G-Deck, and ship wide communication is down."
"Tell me about it." The bad news just didn't stop. Medical was on G-Deck, which meant that everyone between the bridge and there still had access to Sickbay, but all the decks beyond didn't. There were two smaller medical bays in different parts of the ship, but only the main Sickbay was outfitted for bigger casualties and procedures. If there were injuries in Engineering or the living quarters below G-Deck from those hits they had taken, things were going to get complicated.
But one thing after another. There was nothing Leonard could do about that now. He nodded towards Bell who was still standing in front of the turbolift doors, as if Hiller's news had discouraged him from leaving the bridge.
"Bell, just go already. If the turbolifts don't work, climb down the ladders in the service shafts or use the crawlspaces. Lifts aren't the only way to get around the ship, for crying out loud. If you can, get down to Engineering and see what's going on there. And get someone to repair the damn comm system."
"Aye, Sir!" Bell sprinted off, and Hiller took a seat at an empty tactical console.
"Someone give me a status report. I want to know what damages we sustained, and give me the status of the engines."
"Weapons are online and targeting scanners are locked on the alien vessel. Shields are holding and still at 76 percent," Sakata replied immediately. "No incoming damage reports, but Impulse and Warp engines are online."
Well, at least that was something.
"Ensign, scan the alien vessel. I want to know as much about their ship as possible."
"Yes, Sir."
"Sir, they're preparing to fire again."
"Evasive maneuver, Wilmington."
"Aye Sir. Evasive maneuver Beta 3-1."
Leonard nodded to himself, mentally going through the list of maneuvers he had memorized. When he realized what they were about to do, he sprinted towards the pilot's console.
"Hold that order, Ensign. Evasive maneuver Delta 2-2. Damn it, you don't use a maneuver that puts the moon between us and the enemy if we still have an away team on that moon!"
Leonard looked up at the view screen and watched how they were flying a curve away from the moon, the alien ship in pursuit. Again the ship fired its weapons, hitting them directly in the aft shields. The impact wasn't as jarring, but still they were hit.
"Shields holding at 48 percent."
Their evasive maneuvers weren't helping much apparently, and damn it, Leonard had already overstepped his professional capacities more than once this night, what was another infraction in the light of that? And although he had vowed not to do it, he was tired of being jostled around and nearly getting thrown on his ass while they were being pursued. It wasn't as if anybody was going to care at this point.
Leonard said down in the command chair, although he had never felt more uncomfortable than he was doing now. This was way over his head, and the worst thing was that he knew they could not just try to escape the alien ship and try to dodge their weapon's fire. Especially since their shields weren't going to stand many more of those hits.
Leonard had thought he'd never have to give that particular command in real life, not even after getting certified for bridge command had become an issue. How likely was it that he as CMO was ever going to take the bridge, let alone get engaged in a firefight?
Apparently, not as unlikely as Leonard had always thought.
Hell, he was probably facing a court martial for assuming command, anyway, might as well make it worth it.
"Sakata, lock weapons on their shield generators. Or whatever resembles shield generators on their ship."
"Aye, sir."
Leonard drew a deep breath, but there was no doubt that this was an order he had to give.
"Fire."
It was surreal to see the phaser burst shoot through space and to know that he had ordered this. As a doctor, Leonard had always seen it as his task to save lives. Life was something precious to him, and giving an order that could potentially destroy lives seemed like a sacrilegious act. It was crossing a line that went against every oath he had ever sworn.
But he was giving that order to save lives, that was the one thought he had to hold on to. Right now, by some crappy coincidences, the lives of every crewmember aboard was in his hands, and though Leonard felt woefully inadequate to carry that responsibility, he simply had to accept it and act to the best of his knowledge.
Enterprise hadn't taken the first shot. The initial aggression had come from the alien vessel, so they had to take into consideration that Enterprise was going to fire back.
The shot impacted in the lower section of the alien vessel. The shields glowed visibly for a second, then the ship let forth another burst of fire towards the Enterprise.
"No visible damage to the alien vessel," Sakata reported unnecessarily. Leonard could see that for himself. "Their shields are still holding up at a hundred percent."
"Fire at will, ensign. Maximum yield."
"Aye, Sir."
Leonard had watched firefights before, even form this very bridge. But he quickly realized that it was something else entirely to be watching a firefight when somebody else was in command. Before, he had always been able to put his faith in Jim and convince himself that he was going to come up with an ingenious idea to get them even out of the worst situation. Right now, Leonard could only watch as the alien vessel took their fire without so much as a hitch in its smooth maneuvering, while Enterprise barely managed to dodge most of their phaser bursts. The only thing they did manage was to draw the enemy ship away from the moon, and the defenseless away team that was still stuck there, and that was a long way from something worth being called a victory. It was barely a temporary reprieve.
They took two more direct hits that rocked the ship and had Leonard cling on to the captain's chair. There were still no damage reports coming in, which pretty much meant that all intra-ship communication was down. In turn, that meant Leonard couldn't really trust any of the readings he was getting from all over the ship, because if the other stations couldn't report in, updates on engine and shield status were unreliable, at best. Once their shields were down, they'd be completely lost without that data.
"Damn it, I need communications! We're flying blind here, I need to know what's happening on the ship!"
"Communications are still down, Sir." Hiller replied. "I tried to get the system back online, but it seems the problem is in the main communications server. Something must have overloaded during those first hits we took. It looks like the system needs manual repairs in the communications server room."
"Yeah well, it doesn't seem likely that anyone of us is getting down there anytime soon now, does it? So we can only hope that someone else is already trying to fix it. What else can you give me?"
Hiller shook his head. "Nothing much. Engines are still online, warp drive is fully functional. Assuming of course that the data is correct. Without any damage reports, I don't know how reliable it is."
Leonard vowed never again to complain if the tolerance levels of the scanning chamber results in Sickbay went up to 0.2 percent. Never again. That was still a lot more reliable than this total blindness as to what was going on in the ship.
The ship rocked with another hit.
"Shields at 15 percent, Sir. They won't hold up many more of those hits."
Damn it, damn it, damn it.
Without shields, all they could do was tuck in their tail and run off. Or face a firefight with an alien vessel that was technically superior to them without shields, but that was going to be the shortest firefight in the history of the Federation. Leonard wasn't going to be the one who lost Starfleet's flagship like that.
Damn it.
"Sir, they're veering off."
And it spoke volumes about the severity of the situation that not even those words were a relief to Leonard. Not even the most irrational alien started a firefight, only to stop once they had rendered their opponent nearly defenseless.
"Where are they headed, Ensign?"
Wilmington tapped her console frantically, then she turned back with wide eyes.
"They're headed towards the moon."
"Follow them. Put us between the moon and their ship, and put whatever energy we have into the shields. Draw power from anything that isn't life support or the engines if necessary."
"Aye sir."
By the time the alien ship fired its first phaser burst towards the moon, they barely managed to put Enterprise in the way of the weapon's fire. Leonard knew that it was a dumb move. Now the aliens knew for a fact that there was something they considered worth protecting on that moon, and that they were ready to place their damaged ship in the line of fire to protect it. If the aliens hadn't been interested in the moon before, now they definitely were.
But there was no way Leonard could not give that order. The away team was even more defenseless than they were, and the shuttle's shields would not withstand even a single blast from the enemy weapons, so there was no way they could leave the moon without drawing fire towards themselves.
Enterprise just had to bear the brunt, although Leonard had no idea what they were going to do once their shields failed.
Another hit rocked the ship.
"Shields are holding at 10 percent, Sir. They won't hold much more of that."
Wilmington was working hard to keep Enterprise always in between the enemy ship and the moon, but Leonard knew that in the long run he could not risk the lives of hundreds of crewmembers to draw the fire away from the team on the moon.
"Goddamnit! Their ship has to have a weak spot. A plasma outlet, a generator, anything we can hit that actually causes some damage. For crying out loud, there's gotta be one thing we can use to our advantage!"
Sakata shook her head. "No Sir, our scans show nothing of that sort. The only thing…"
"What?" Leonard snapped impatiently. "Good Lord woman, if you have found anything that could help us then spit it out!"
"Well, according to our scan their ship probably cannot go faster than warp 4. It seems to have been build for strength, not speed. We should be able to easily outfly it."
No.
Not an option.
They were not going to fly away at maximum warp while the away team was still on that moon. Not while Jim was still on that moon, a selfish little voice in the back of his head whispered. Not if Leonard had anything to say about it.
Another blast rocked the ship, and the alarms that had been ringing in the background for the entire time increased in volume and intensity.
"Shields are failing, sir. They can take out our engines with the next shot. And if they hit the warp core, we'll all be dead. We can't sustain another hit."
Leonard knew the choice he had to make even before Sakata finished speaking. Had known it for the entire firefight, really. Their weapons couldn't damage the alien ship, their shields were too weak against their firepower, and the only thing Enterprise was actually in advantage over them was speed.
They could only get out of this alive if they left.
"They're charging weapons."
Leonard felt as if he was standing beside himself, looking down at the desperate man in the captain's chair who was about to make a decision that was going to impact the life of everyone on board, worst of all his own. In a voice that wasn't his own, Leonard heard himself give the command.
"Take us out of here, Ensign. Maximum warp."
"Aye, sir."
Wilmington punched in the appropriate commands. The last thing Leonard saw was the alien ship firing another phaser volley, then the image on the view screen turned into the blurred lines of stars at warp, and Leonard sank back in the chair with the feeling that a vital part of him had just been left behind. Without Enterprise as a shield, that last phaser blast had been aimed directly at the moon.
"Sir, the alien vessel is not following."
Leonard merely nodded, not trusting his voice to speak. He had to make sure to get the ship to safety, reestablish ship wide communications and get started on the repairs. If he only kept thinking about that, he wouldn't have to contemplate what he had just done.
"Sir," Bell said in a timid voice. "The Captain and the away team, we can't just leave them behind."
Something roared up inside of Leonard, something dark, sad and ugly. It was unlike anything he had ever felt before, and he was powerless against it. Bell hadn't earned to be on the receiving end of this, but he was the unfortunate soul who had dared to open his mouth.
"Ten minutes ago you were all looking for someone to give you orders. I did, and your concerns are duly noted. But unless you have an idea how we can stand a chance against that ship when all we have is inferior firepower and no shields, I suggest you shut up now and make sure we get the hell out of here."
Bell had the decency to blush slightly, but Leonard didn't care.
"Take us a safe distance away and then drop out of warp. Watch the long-range sensors for any sign of the alien vessel, and then find out what the hell is wrong with our ship. I want the shields back online and communications reestablished as soon as possible, do I make myself clear?"
"Yes, sir!" A chorus voices answered, and Leonard sank back in the chair, feeling suddenly deflated and boneless.
He had just ordered six men to be left behind in the presence of an aggressive unknown species who had seemed all too keen on shooting first and asking questions later. They had all but dodged out of the way of that last phaser burst and left the away team unprotected and directly in the line of fire. And until repairs were done and shields were back in working order, there was no way for them to go back there and see what had happened. Not without risking the entire crew.
It had seemed like the right choice at the moment, but Leonard couldn't shake the feeling that if someone more experienced had had command at the time, they'd have found a better way to deal with the situation. A way that wouldn't have cost the lives of six crewmembers, one of whom was Jim.
Jim.
Leonard couldn't afford to think about that now, but it was as if his thoughts were able to circle around one thing, and one thing only. He had just given the order to sacrifice Jim to save the ship, and that thought made the bile rise in his throat. It was a floodgate of thoughts and feelings that had opened, one he was unable to stop or control.
Jim.
Jim with those incredibly blue eyes Leonard could lose himself in, with that impish grin that could fool so many but turned into that soft, tender and real smile only for him. Leonard couldn't, and didn't want to imagine what life would be without Jim. He could barely understand anymore how he had managed to live with half a heart for twenty-eight years of his life. He had never taken Jim for granted, not with the lives they led, but the thought that it had been him and not some heroic act in the line of duty that had ended Jim's life was one that felt like an impossible weight on Leonard's chest.
It wasn't supposed to be like this.
It was supposed to be them together for as many years as they could cheat the universe out of, and five years of knowing each other, three years of loving each other in a way Leonard had never experienced before simply wasn't enough. Damn it, he wanted more, and after all the crap life had thrown at him so far he thought he was entitle for more.
He wanted Jim beside him when he fell asleep in the evening, and he wanted Jim there when he woke up again in the morning. He wanted Jim to come interrupt him in Sickbay whenever he got bored on the bridge, because even though he griped and grumbled about it every single time, Leonard was looking forward to seeing Jim whenever he could. He wanted to patch up and berate Jim whenever he managed to get himself bumped up on an away mission, and he wanted to see that underlying trust in Jim's eyes when he smiled crookedly at him and said 'Good thing you're always there to fix me up'.
He didn't want to face the fact that he was never going to touch Jim again, feel him quiver under his hands, see those incredible eyes go wide and dark with arousal when they were together.
He wanted more time.
More time with Jim.
He wanted more time to finally get over all those stupid self-doubts and hesitations and tell Jim that he wanted this to be forever. He wanted to finally get a chance to get over himself and take that ring out its hiding place in his office desk drawer and ask Jim if he wanted forever, too.
But now there was no more time, and it was Leonard's own damn fault.
There had been no other choice, he knew that, but that didn't take away any of the pain. It was his fault, that's what it all came down to. It was his fault that Jim had been left behind. His fault that Jim was gone.
"We're dropping our of warp, Sir."
Leonard nodded, swallowing hard against the lump in his throat. There were other things to focus on right now, important things to make sure that the crew and the ship were going to get out of this unharmed. He could have his breakdown once all that was over and done with. Once he was alone. That was a state he had to get used to, anyway.
The image on the view screen changed from the bright stripes of war travel to the view of nothing but empty space and stars as they dropped out of warp. He drew a breath to give the order that somebody better finally find Spock and drag him here by the tip of his pointed hobgoblin ears if necessary, but at that moment the alarms fell silent and the lights went back on.
"What he hell?"
Leonard turned the chair as the doors to the turbolift opened.
"Not bad, Bones. Not bad at all."
Leonard couldn't breathe. He must have hit his head at some point during the firefight, and now he was unconscious or hallucinating. Emerging from the turbolift were Spock, Sulu and Jim, who was grinning widely at him.
Jim.
Alive and unharmed. Alive.
Leonard got out of the captain's chair and stood on legs that didn't seem to belong himself. He blinked rapidly, but the image in front of him didn't change. Jim was here, on the bridge with him. Whatever had happened, Jim wasn't on that moon. He was here, and he was alive.
Leonard didn't understand what the hell was going on, but right now his brain seemed incapable of processing anything beyond the thought that Jim wasn't dead.
"What…"
"Doctor." Spock had a PADD in hand which he consulted before he continued. "There are some details we need to discuss, but let me extend my congratulations. You passed."
Next to Spock, Jim was bouncing excitedly on the balls of his feet, like a kid in the moments before his birthday surprise. Leonard didn't understand a damn thing of what was going on.
"Passed? What the hell is going on here?"
Jim stopped bouncing and his grin widened even more.
"Your Bridge Officer's Test, Bones. You just passed it with flying colors. Congratulations."
Leonard didn't know what to say. But he knew the feeling that was rising up inside of him at this very moment. He knew it very well. It was fury.
Next Part
The Bridge Officer's Test is a real Starfleet thing that I tweaked a little for my purposes. But more explanation about that will follow in the next chapter. If you want to read up on it, follow the link to the Memory Alpha entry.
I'm working on the second part, because my brain won't let me continue AsQ before this is finished. Sorry for that.
Thanks for reading. As always, please let me know what you think. Thanks a lot.