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Transcript: The Simpsons, Episode 13x14: Tales from the Public Domain
Act 3: Hamlet
Cast:
Homer: Hamlet’s Father
Bart: Hamlet
Moe: Claudius
Marge: Gertrude
Chief Wiggum: Polonius
Ralph: Laertes
Lisa: Ophelia
Krusty the Klown: Player King
Sideshow Mel: Tragidian
Lenny: Guildenstern (Aka GuildenLenny)
Carl: Rosencrantz (aka: RosenCarl)
Homer:
Our next story is Hamlet by William Shakespeare.
Bart:
Dad, these old stories can’t compare with our modern super writers. Steven Bochco could kick Shakespeare’s ass.
Lisa:
Look this story is more interesting than you think. It starts with Hamlet’s father getting murdered.
Bart:
Cool. Does he get to marry his mom?
Homer:
I don’t know but that would be hot. Once upon a time there was a young prince of Denmark.
(Scene fades to Bart sleeping in a bed. On the wall there is a sign that says ‘Danes Do It Meloncholy’ and a penent that says ‘Feudalism’. Ghost enters)
Homer:
Hamlet…Hamlet…
Bart:
Dad?
Homer:
Yes I have returned from the dead.
Bart:
Looks like you’ve returned from the Buffet.
Homer:
Why you little
(Homer tries to choke Bart, but can’t because he is non-corporeal being a ghost. Bart laughs.)
Homer:
Look son I have some shocking news. I was murdered. Murdered I tells ya!
Bart:
Really?
Homer:
Behold…
(Scene fades to a re-enactment of the murder where we see Moe put the poison in his year)
Homer:
As I slept you’re Uncle Claudius poured poison in my ear. Poison most foul.
(Back in the bedroom. There’s a painting of their wedding with Bart moping in the background)
So he could marry you’re mother and become the king!
Bart:
Yeah that was quite a weekend.
Homer:
Now you must avenge me. Avenge me!
Bart:
How?
Homer:
I don’t know Surprise me. Surprise me!
(Homer vanished through the wall leaving a slimey residue)
Bart:
Couldn’t that ghost be telling the truth? First I have to get Uncle Claudius to confess. Then I’ve gotta kill him.
(Homer re-enters leaving more slime)
Homer:
Its cold outside you’ll need a sweater. A sweater!
(Scene changes to a banquet. Krusty the Klown is performing)
Krusty:
And if you’re idea of a first date is burning down a village you just might be…a Viking!
Viking:
That’s what I get for sitting up front.
(The Viking sets a table on fire and grabs two women)
Marge:
I love these jesters. They’re exactly what I need to forget about my first husband.
Moe:
Yeah I really miss the old guy. It was all I could do to put on his jewels and score with his wife every night (notices Bart scowling). Hey kid, how you doing? Nice to see
Krusty:
Now we would like to warn you that our performances tend to make audience members blurt out hidden secrets.
Moe:
Hoh Boy…
Bart:
Aha! Me thinks the plays the thing where in I’ll catch the conscience of the king!
Moe:
Catch my conscience? What?
Bart:
You’re not supposed to hear me. That’s a soliloquy
Moe:
Ok well I’ll do a soliloquy too. Note to self, kill that kid.
Krusty:
Ok we’re gonna open it up with a little improv. Somebody shout out a location
Bart:
This castle!
Krusty:
Ok. How about an occupation?
Bart:
Usurper of the throne!
Krusty:
I think I heard Usurper of the throne.
Krusty:
And finally an object?
Bart:
Ear poison!
Moe:
Do you have Diaerria? Cuz I have diaherria (Tries to leave)
Marge:
Sit down.
(Sideshow Mel, Krusty and the Monkey begin acting out what in the actual play is the Mousetrap)
Moe:
Hey, I didn’t use that much poison! (Everyone gasps) I mean I didn’t use that much poi son at the last luau.
(Bart gasps and runs to a painting of his father.)
Bart:
It’s true. Uncle Claudius murdered you.
Lisa:
Oh great. Now Hamlet’s acting crazy. Well nobody out crazies Ophelia.
(She jumps around being all crazy and then out the window into the lake. Scene changes to Gertrude’s bedroom where the curtains are moving. Hamlet enters and screams lunging with is sword)
Marge:
Hamlet, what did I tell you about running with swords.
Bart:
Someone’s behind the curtain. It could be Claudius. There’s only one way to find out! (Runs at it and stabs it a bunch of times). Polonius! What are you doing here?
Chief Wiggum:
I hide behind curtains because I have a fear of being stabbed.
Ralph:
You’re stomach is crying
Wiggum:
Laertes, I need you to do a big boy job for daddy. I need you to avenge my death.
Ralph:
I like revenging!
(Scene changes to main hall)
Ralph:
I’m going to kill Hamlet here’s my mean face.
Moe:
Cute kid. But just in case you don’t kill Hamlet, I put some poison on the food, the drapes. Even on Rosencarl and Guildenlenny, here
Lenny:
Yeah if Hamlet touches of either of us he’s dead.
Both:
Booyah.
(High five, and die).
Moe:
You know the rules. Laertes here gets one practice stab.
Ralph:
Oh Boy.
(Stabs himself)
Moe:
Oh Boy, did I bet on the wrong horse.
(Bart picks up the sword)
Bart:
Now nothing can stop me from getting my vengeance.
Moe:
ou sure you don’t want a nice piece of fish or to fingering the drapes for a little while?
Bart:
It ends here.
Moe:
Remember me as I was a piece maker.
(Stabs him dead.Walks away)
Bart:
And now to celebrate life. (slips on blood) Bloody floor!
(Bart dies)
Marge:
You’re crazy if you think I’m cleaning up this mess.
(Hits self on head with mace)
Lisa:
And that’s the greatest thing ever written!
Bart:
Are you crazy! I can’t believe a play where every character was murdered could be so boring.
Homer:
Son, it’s not only a great play, but also became a great movie, called Ghostbusters.
(The Ghostbusters theme starts playing and they dance)