Defective - a Chuck fic
Defective
A Post-Ep for "Chuck vs the Breakup"
Let me be the first to say that I am nowhere close to perfect.
I’ve never believed myself to be the perfect woman or the perfect friend. Average on those counts-some things were sacrificed for the job. But as an agent I imagined myself better than this.
I was wrong.
This is painfully obvious, considering what just happened.
I failed.
I had a shot, a chance to prove something, and I failed.
That shot has been presented to me a thousand times; always a mark or a VIP, always with the same look on their face. It’s colored with a slight bit of doubt, as if they’re concerned I just might miss. There was that one time in Bogota, when Bryce set up the shot, and he just stared me down, daring me to miss.
But this time I saw brown eyes so defeated, so utterly resigned, that sprang to life when they sighted me. Opening wide, they conveyed to me everything I needed to know - that he trusted me completely. The shot was already made in his mind. A thousand ways of saying “thank you” echoed in his already crowded brain.
And through my own thoughts scrolled a message ....“What if I miss?”
I see it vividly; my shot going wide, striking his neck or chest or worse, brain. Too valuable to the government, to National Security, to the CIA, to the NSA.
Too valuable to me.
And I hesitate. In stunned silence I aim my gun…and hold the aim…and my finger flexes, but does not pull. Like a squib, a defective bullet, I am triggered but I do not fire.
I know, I know in that very moment, when Casey’s gunshot fells the fulcrum agent and I meet Bryce’s icy stare, that the innocence of my feelings are over. The cold indifference of my agent training has broken; guilt oozes through a million cracks in my façade. I had thought that façade to be faultless, but now I see the flaws plain as day.
Never have feelings for a mark, for a charge. Never fall in love with the one you must protect. I hear the words in my brain, the warnings, but I never let them take hold. Big brown eyes, a smile that charms the agent right out of me, and a gentle nature so unlike anyone I’d ever met. The first person I truly and honestly can believe in every word he said. The only person in the world who believes the lie; he believes I am perfect.
As Bryce’s icy glare stings me, I understand his disapproval and his disappointment. He has seen me at my best, at my most efficient and accurate. Now he has seen me at my worst, at my least effective. He knows I am compromised.
I am defective.