Sigh...
Okay. The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen...needs to die. Or at least stop SUCKING. I saw it again tonight with Emily, Jo, and Margot. All we did was make fun of it. There was a lot of groaning. It almost drove me to tears. The first time I saw it, I wasn't really paying attention, and this time I picked up on a lot more...like the fact that it SUCKED.
1) There were totally random literary allusions. They had nothing to do with the storyline.
example: "Well, we made good time...but not as good as Phileas Fogg! Around the world in eighty days!!"
example: The totally unnecessary chauffeur says "Call me Ishmael"...WHY?
2) It was 1899. There was a car. An automobile. And no one seemed to care!! No one said "hey, it's 1899, what is this crazy thing?" Not only was it a car in 1899...it was an INDESTRUCTABLE car. Bullets magically bounced off. It could escape any crash unscathed.
3) The makers of this fine, fine, film decided to splice random literary characters into the plot, TOTALLY DISREGARDING the plot of whatever books they came from. I understand that this was the point of the original comic, but I hope that the comic at least took into account the fact that IN 1899, TOM SAWYER WOULD BE LIKE SIXTY YEARS OLD; NOT TWENTY-SOMETHING AND PLAYED BY SHANE WEST, OF ALL PEOPLE. Mina Harker is a vampire in this movie. In Dracula, (maybe you've heard of it?) they find an antedote for her, so she is restored to NORMAL. ALSO, Johnathan Harker was not a SCIENTIST; he was a freaking LAWYER. Then, at the end of the movie, the villain turns out to be Professor Moriarty, from Sherlock Holmes, WHO HAPPENS TO DIE IN THE BOOK. I DON'T REMEMBER CAPTAIN NEMO BEING HINDU!
4) I know I'm just being stupid here, but there was this one part where the Invisible Man swallows his drink and you see the liquid travelling down his throat, and then in the next scene, it's gone. Wouldn't you see it resting in his invisible bladder??
5) So, they decide to make Mina Harker a vampire. Fine. AT LEAST FOLLOW THE RULES OF VAMPIREISM!!!! Vampires cannot stand daylight, but Miss Mina can!!! Vampires cannot see their reflection in the mirror, but after viciously ripping out a man's throat, Mina checks her reflection in her handy compact and daintily wipes the blood off her face. Can vampires turn into a SWARM of angry flesh-eating bats??? I don't think so. Plus, her hair changes every other scene. Drinking blood may make you younger, but I don't think it can change your hair from RED TO BLACK, or from STRAIGHT TO CURLY in a matter of seconds.
6) The bad guy's hideout was in Mongolia. This is fine. It stops being fine when a SIBERIAN tiger appears. I'm not an expert on the topic of Siberian Tigers, but I'm pretty sure they don't live in Mongolia.
7) The Invisible Man is always naked. In Mongolia, since it is apparently -5235 degrees, would he not get frostbite?? Also, when he receives severe burns from the large flamethrower man, you can magically see the burns. Would you not be able to see his frostbitten limbs, then?
8) Don't even get me started on Hyde. He looked like HULK, for God's sake. Plus the scenes where Jekyll turned into Hyde/vice versa made me ill.
9) Captain Nemo. Was he HINDU in the book?!?!? Did he know kung-fu?? DID HE PRAY TO THE GODDESS OF DEATH???? Because these things occur in the movie. Also, the Nautilus was a humongous, meretricious piece of shit.
10) Dorian Gray had the best lines in the movie. However, he cannot be killed by simply gazing upon his picture!!! He must destroy it with a knife, as illustrated in the book!!!
11) I seriously hope that the ending of the movie does not imply that Sean Connery's character comes back to life. Because then I would really weep.
12) The movie was SO predictable. Firstly, Quatermane lost his son on a mission they were on together. Cut to Quatermane teaching Tom Sawyer how to shoot. Cut to Quartermane's typical sappy death scene: "blah blah...you were like a son to me" And also, the spy was OBVIOUSLY Gray. Seriously. I didn't even know that you were supposed to suspect Skinner. Why, just because he's invisible? Okay well he's a thief too, but still. Gray obviously purposely cut Mina and they paused for way too long after he scratched Skinner.
13) Nemo. Completely unnecessary.
14) This movie should never have been made. I'm sorry. I'll stop now, before my brain explodes.
No wait, I just thought of more things
If Captain Nemo is Indian...and all of the characters minus Tom Sawyer are British...shouldn't there be some animosity between them?
How in the world does Tom manage to drive this new device--the "car"?
When Dr. Jekyll changes into Hulk Hyde, his shirt is torn to pieces, and yet his pants remain intact...
ALSO, after destroying half of Venice with bombs, rockets, and the car, Sean Connery's character says to the bad guy: "Venisch schtill schtands" um, no, I'm pretty sure Venice is on the ground, smoldering.