(no subject)
I just kind of need to gather my thoughts, show myself there are less of them than I think, and settle my insecurities so that I can love.
"Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's what's in the middle that really counts..."
I just read that as someone's myspace quote, and it felt as as if that related to what I'm feeling.
A little record keeping couldn't hurt either...
May 28 - I met Emory
June 11 - Emory and me developed a friendship/more on our trip to ptown
June maybe 14 - he asked me to go steady with him
June 20 (technically it was after midnight, but I'm not allowing it to be the 21st) - he told me he loved me
Its june 26 now.
So basically I am stuggling with not liking him enough, but really wanting to. I'm not stupid, I can see that he is amazing and wonderful and on and on...there is just a slight bit of unsureness.
Even though I trust him completely I am still scared of being hurt.
It is hard to ignore that fact that he will be leaving in the middle of august, and I will be overseas for a year.
I could handle that just fine, except that I really really really wanted to be single while in germany.
I feel like I need to look at history, but it is still hard to let my logic overule my heart.
history:
I lost the best thing that I ever had because of someone I hardly knew, and the feelings that I thought I had about that person.
I've "gotten over" daniel an infinite number of times in the past four years, and yet I now find myself putting him in oley's spot, and emory in his.
This tells me that I need to obviously forget about daniel and love emory, and yet when put back in the same position it is not really all that easy.
daniel and oley are different in that I was actually friends with daniel, perhaps best friends for a year. And yet, thinking back now I wonder if I can convince myself that I hardly knew him either. He has changed so much. Of course, this is all with the understanding that there is no way that me and daniel would over happen again. I just have to make myself not want that. I have logically talked myself into understanding over and over again, but I don't know what needs to happen to get me to get over it on a different level.
There have been several people in the past several years who I have felt completely overshadowed daniel's memory, and yet when they dissapeared, the memory reappeared.
I think that I am having trouble taking Emory seriously because he is so amazing and devoted and in love, which seems like complete rediculous talk, but its one of those wanting what you can't have deals. I definitly like him to some extent even as it is, but I'm having trouble convincing myself that I love him.
So, a lot of the time when he compliments me or says he loves me it makes me rather depressed because I want to say it back, but all of this stuff comes swirling around in my brain.
I wish I could talk to him about it, but honesty should only go so far, and this is way too far.
Okay, well, I don't feel all that accomplished with this but I'm done.