Too in Love to Let it Go, Chapter 12
Title: Too in Love to Let it Go
Author: gingerandfair/lavender_love00
Genre: AU/Married!Klaine/future-fic
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 4100/200,000
Spoilers: none
Chapter summary: In which Kurt and Blaine enter a time of mourning.
Prologue (LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 1 (LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 2 (LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 3 ( LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 4 ( LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 5 ( LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 6 ( LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 7 ( LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 8 (LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) Chapter 9 (LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 10 (LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 11 ( LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C)
Read Chapter 12 on AO3/Tumblr/S&C
Chapter 12
Tuesday June 27th, 2023
When the door shut behind Karen and Violet, finality hanging in the air like a cloud of ashes, all Kurt could do was stare ahead, hoping that if he stared hard enough, the door would dissolve and he could at least catch one last glimpse of his baby before she left their lives completely.
Somewhere in the background, he was aware of Blaine running down the hall, could hear retching and the flushing of a toilet, but he didn't move, his feet planted firmly to the ground.
"Kurt?" His dad's voice pulled him to the surface. "Kurt, come sit down."
He let his dad lead him to the couch, where he sat, back stiff and straight, knees pulled up to his chin, and was silent. Finn tried to comfort him - Carole wasn't there, must've been with Blaine - but he shrugged the sympathetic touches off and curled up tighter. Every shield he had went up, and he felt parts of his mind sealing off like watertight compartments. He refused to drown in this.
* * *
Carole reached Blaine as he retched into the toilet for the second time that day.
"Shhhh, sweetheart," she murmured, kneeling on the floor beside him, rubbing his back comfortingly. "You're okay, you're okay."
He shook as he fell back against the cold tiles, the room still spinning.
"Do you need some water?" she asked.
"Please," he managed, half-choking on the remnants of bile still clinging to his throat. "I don't know what to do," he said after sipping the water she handed him, his voice anguished. "I don't know -"
"You breathe, and you let us take care of you," she said. She sounded tired. "Nobody expects anything from either one of you right now."
"But your flight -"
Her eyebrows shot up, almost to her hairline. "Do you actually think that we would leave you here like this?"
Blaine cast his eyes to the floor. "I don't know - you've got work, Burt's got the shop, Finn's got school - I figured you had to get back."
"Oh, honey," Carole sighed, pulling him into her arms like a little child, rocking him gently back and forth. "Nothing could keep us away from you right now."
* * *
"Mom? Mom!" Abby squealed, peeling her face from the glass of their large living room window. "She's here, she's here, she's here!"
Her bare feet slapped against the floor as she ran across the room to her mother, nearly tackling her with the force of her hug. "Thank-you-thank-you-thank-you!" she cried happily, then ran and opened the door, waiting for Karen in the doorway.
She was a little shocked to see that mascara had run under Karen's eyes, and though she wore her typical professional air, the underlying joy that always managed to bubble through was gone.
"Hello, Abby."
"Hey, Karen! Oh my god, let me see that precious baby …"
"Here she is," Karen said, feigning happiness as she handed over the baby carrier and set the rest of the bags on the floor with a sigh.
"Ohhhhhh," Abby cooed as she lifted Violet from her carrier, "you look so adorable. At least we know they dressed you well while you were there. God, I missed you." She looked over at Karen. "What's all that stuff?"
Karen pressed her lips together before answering. "Kurt and Blaine didn't want to send her to a new place without things she was familiar with." She paused and looked up at the ceiling like she was about to cry. "They were worried that you wouldn't know what kind of formula to feed her because she has a sensitive stomach, so they packed it and her bottles and quite a few other things as well. I'm not sure exactly what they sent, but there's a lot of it."
"Oh. But - I'm going to nurse her; I won't need formula -" Abby bent, still clutching her baby to her chest, and peered into the bags. "Wow. That is a lot of stuff," she said, lifting out the soft lavender blanket.
"Yes. They wanted to make sure she'd be comfortable."
"But she's with me - her mom - how could she not be?" She curled the baby closer to her and kissed her cheeks, her nose, her forehead. "God, I'm so glad she's home."
Karen was quiet.
"I guess they must really have loved her," she said slowly, looking down at Violet, then back to the pile of bags on the floor. "I feel kind of bad, but I'm not sorry I did it. I know made the right decision this time."
Karen nodded.
Abby shifted uncomfortably. "How were they when you left?"
"Abby -" Karen sighed, shutting her eyes for a moment and pressing her lips together in a thin line. "How do you think they'd be? They were devastated. In their minds, Violet was their baby -"
"She was never their baby," Abby hissed. She pulled Violet close and covered her head protectively with her hand. Across the room, Holly set her coffee mug down hard on the table and walked down the hall, her hand coming up to hold her head.
Karen sighed again and rubbed her bangs out of her eyes. "Okay," she said, "you have all her things - do you have a crib for her to sleep in tonight?"
"Yes."
"And you feel comfortable with her care?"
"Yes."
"And you have our support number, in case you run into any difficulties or anything unexpected?"
"Yes."
"Alright - I'll leave you to it, then."
Karen bent to gather her things, but Abby reached out, placing her hand on Karen's arm.
"Are you mad at me?"
"Abby - no," she said tiredly. "It's - complicated. It's just been a long day."
"I'm sorry," Abby said, hanging her head, feeling guilty for the first time since she decided to keep Violet.
"Just promise me that you'll love her and take care of her, okay?" Karen said, lifting Abby's chin up to look in her eyes. "I do think you'll be a good mom."
"Thank you. I didn't want to hurt them. Did - did they read my letter?"
"Not while I was there," Karen told her. "It might be a while before they do."
"Are they mad at me?"
"I'm sure they are, Abby."
"I told them in the letter -"
"You've told me what you said in the letter, sweetie," Karen said, smoothing an invisible wrinkle in her shirt. "But I wouldn't count on them taking you up on the offer. It'll be different for them - they'll need to move on. Seeing pictures of Violet - visiting her - isn't going to help them do that, even though I know your intentions there were good."
"I really made a mess of things, didn't I?" Abby asked softly, sinking to the couch.
"You're allowed to make mistakes, Abby," Karen told her. "But you need to move on, too. Now that you've made your decision, you need to stop thinking about Kurt and Blaine and start thinking about how you're going to raise Violet, okay?"
She nodded. "Yeah."
"I really do need to go," Karen said, looking at her watch. "Good luck with everything."
"Thank you."
The door shut behind her and Abby couldn't help the grin that spread across her face as she gazed at her daughter. "Let's call Daddy," she said softly. "He'll be so excited to know that you're home."
* * *
Kurt finally moved from the couch, walking into Violet's room with a request that Burt and Finn not follow him. He slowly, carefully picked up the mess that he and Blaine had made packing for her, then turned on the CD of lullabies that they'd recorded. As their voices harmonized in the background, Kurt sank to the floor, arranging himself in child's pose. He curled in a ball, his knees and forehead cushioned by the soft, feathery rug, his arms stretched far in front of him, palms resting on the cool hardwoods.
He breathed slowly in and out, centering himself, shutting out everything but the sound of his and Blaine's voices and his own heartbeat in his ears.
Just as he finally relaxed fully, letting go of the last twinge of tension in his neck, the door squeaked. He looked up to find Finn staring at him.
"Kurt, what are you -"
Kurt said nothing, gracefully standing instead, and strode forward and slammed the door as hard as he could, barely missing the tips of Finn's fingers in the doorframe.
He turned on his heel and dropped back into the pose, but his center was gone. He could feel the hardwood through the rug, his knees pressing uncomfortably against it, and instead of slow, easy breaths, he was inhaling raggedly. He was ready to give up and rejoin his family in the living room when Blaine's soft voice filled the room.
The second star to the right shines in the night for you …
The tears that had been holding steady behind his eyes finally rolled down his cheeks and he breathed in deep then blew out slowly, stretching his body down, down, down until his forehead touched the floor again and his fingers nearly reached Violet's crib.
* * *
"Where's Kurt?" Blaine asked when he and Carole finally emerged from the bathroom.
"In Violet's room," Finn answered. "It looks like he's meditating or something, but like face-down on the floor - it kinda freaked me out. I peeked in there, but then he got up and slammed the door in my face. I think he wants to be alone."
"Did he tell you that?" Blaine asked.
Finn nodded.
"Then maybe you should listen to him," Blaine said with a heavy sigh, heading back down the hall.
"Dude, didn't you hear me -"
"Finn? Don’t you think after thirteen years I might be included in 'alone'?"
* * *
Blaine creaked the door to Violet's nursery open and swallowed down a fresh wave of nausea as he dropped to the floor next to his husband, bent prostrate on the floor.
"I wanted to send her to college with that CD," he said softly, listening to Kurt sing "Stay Awake" from Mary Poppins. "I wanted her to call us complaining about how her friends think we're such losers for still owning CDs, how they think she's such a loser for having a CD of her dads singing a bunch of Disney lullabies to her."
Kurt sat up, wiped at his eyes. "Blaine -"
"I don't know what to do, Kurt."
"I don't either."
* * *
They reappeared in the living room twenty minutes later, drained and devoid of energy. Then Blaine spotted a bib thrown haphazardly over the back of the recliner from a feeding the day before, and the energy came back.
Without saying a word, he strode into the kitchen and grabbed a trash bag from under the sink.
"She's everywhere," he said flatly, emerging from the kitchen as Kurt sank onto the couch and tucked his legs up under his chin again. "I can't get away from her - Kurt, I don't think I can go in her room again."
Kurt didn't say anything as Blaine shook the bag open, throwing the bib, a plastic container full of pacifiers, and the bottle warmer that Blaine he'd brought from the kitchen inside.
"Blaine, go sit down," Burt said, getting up from his place on the couch as Blaine moved to the swing in the corner, trying to manhandle it into the too-small bag.
"I can't look at it anymore," Blaine said, ignoring him. "Here - Kurt - come help, you can always get things to fit when I can't -"
"Blaine, stop," Burt said, placing a hand on his shoulder. "I know you're upset, but I don't want you doing anything rash."
"How is this rash?" Blaine demanded. "What are we supposed to do with this," he gestured toward the swing, sticking halfway out of the trash bag, "when there's no baby to put in it? I just - I need it out of the house -"
Blaine turned, facing away from his father-in-law, then walked into the kitchen when he realized that there wasn't anywhere to look where he wasn't looking at someone. He didn’t know what to do with his hands - they rested on his hips, then scrubbed through his hair, then pressed against his closed eyelids and finally came to rest on the back of a kitchen chair. He took a deep breath, clenched his teeth. He needed to get himself under control; he hadn't cried this much since he thought Kurt was breaking up with him their junior year in college.
"Blaine?" Burt said, and Blaine could feel his presence hovering right over his shoulder.
"Hmm?" he said, not trusting his voice.
"I think you're forgetting that I'm not your father. You can cry in front of me - it's okay. Hell, I'm crying," he said, and Blaine felt himself being gently turned around. "See?"
It was true - there were tear tracks on Burt's slightly-wrinkled face; the mischievous twinkle that so often lit his eyes was nowhere to be found.
"Look, I know as well as anybody that people have different ways of grieving, and that here at first, your emotions can be kind of unpredictable," he said, swiping at his eyes with the palm of his hand. "But I've also known you for about fourteen years now, and you can correct me if I'm wrong, but I think that a hug from a guy who really, really wishes he could've been your dad instead of that miserable asshole of a father you ended up with might make you feel better than throwing all your baby's stuff away."
Blaine gaped at him. "But she's not -"
"Just because you don't have legal rights to her now doesn't mean she wasn't ever yours," Burt said, and stepped forward into Blaine's space, wrapping him in a tight bear hug.
Blaine gasped - the strength and lack of hesitation in Burt's embrace still caught him off-guard. He wondered if he wouldn't be a stronger man now if his own father's hugs had been that tight, but the few hugs he'd gotten from his dad after he'd come out had been brief and weak, as if his dad was afraid that homosexuality was contagious, and he'd catch it from Blaine.
His breath came out shaky as he hugged back, and Burt squeezed him even tighter - It's no wonder, he thought, that Kurt's as strong as he is when he's always had this to hold him up when he couldn't do it himself.
"I'm sorry." He breathed the compulsive apology into the worn cotton just below Burt's shoulder.
"What the hell are you apologizing for?" Burt asked him, pulling back a little.
Blaine paused and looked at the floor. "I don't know. It's just - you know, I just apologize for things. I'm sorry -" Blaine stopped himself with a rueful laugh. "See?"
Burt shook his head. "I know you do, but you shouldn't. If anything, the world owes you an apology, not the other way around."
"Sometimes - on really bad days like this, or when Kurt and I are fighting - I really wish I could just talk to my mom," he said quietly, changing the subject. "Not that - I don't mean that you guys aren't good enough for me -"
Burt put his hands on Blaine's shoulders and looked him straight in the eye. "Blaine? Cut the 'I'm scared to offend my father-in-law' crap, okay? Just for today, at least?"
"I'm -"
"Don't even say it."
Blaine sighed. "I don't think I know how to say anything else."
Burt shook his head angrily. "They really fucked you up, didn't they? Your parents, I mean."
"I -"
Burt pulled Blaine close to his chest again. "You are so much better than them - you know that, right?"
"I guess I'll never know now, will I?" he asked bitterly. "I wanted to prove that I could be a better dad than my dad was. And - I had hoped that maybe they - mom, at least - might come around, after Violet - after we got her, I was hoping to bring her home for Christmas -" Blaine's voice cracked around his words, and Burt held him, steady and solid as a boulder.
* * *
"I got takeout," Finn said loudly several hours later, the door slamming hard against the wall.
Blaine and Kurt looked up from where they were curled together on the couch - they hadn't even noticed he was gone.
"Thanks, bud," Burt said, striding forward to take a bag from Finn's overflowing hands.
"No problem. I - it was something I could do. And I was hungry."
"Mmm, me too," Carole said, pushing herself up out of the chair. "Boys? You should eat."
"Not hungry," Kurt said as he idly fingered Blaine's curls, staring blankly ahead.
"Me neither," Blaine said. He made no effort to lift his head from Kurt's lap.
"Come on, man, I got drunken noodles - I know that's your favorite - and extra egg rolls …" Finn said, shaking the bag in the air, trying to sound enticing. "I even got sushi for you, Kurt, 'cause I know you think anything else goes straight to your hips, even though it's totally not true. Like - what hips?"
"Thanks, Finn," Kurt said with a wan smile. "I just don't know if I have the stomach for sushi right now."
Finn's face fell, and Carole placed a comforting hand on his arm. "It's okay, sweetie, I'm sure they -"
"No, no, it's okay, I'll eat something," Blaine said, a pang of guilt filling his chest at Finn's disappointed expression. He stumbled over his own feet to get to Finn and the bag of food, unaware of the worried expression that colored Kurt's face.
"Awesome!" Finn smiled, setting the bag on the counter and unloading it. "Here - moo shu vegetables for Burt, chicken with peanut sauce for mom, and - here it is, drunken noodles!"
The smell of the food hit Blaine in the face like a ton of bricks as Finn opened the to-go box, turning his stomach. He took the chopsticks Finn offered him and took a careful bite, chewing, chewing, chewing, and finally swallowing it down in a big gulp.
He couldn't help the grimace that came over his face as he tried to take a second bite, and Finn's hand came to rest on his arm. "Blaine, you don't have to eat it just for me."
"I -"
"Seriously. I wanted to help, but …" Finn shrugged. "Not helping. It's okay."
Blaine wore a pained expression. "I'm sorry."
"After the day you've had, man? No need to apologize. C'mere," Finn said, pulling him into a warm hug. Finn towered over him, making him feel so small, but never insignificant. It was a little bit like being hugged by an overly friendly giant, and Blaine had admittedly missed it.
"I think I might actually just go to bed," Blaine said once Finn had released him. "I'm just so tired all of a sudden. Kurt?"
"I'll be in there in a minute, honey," Kurt said, curled up with Romeo on the couch. Blaine nodded and dragged himself down the hall and into the bedroom, dropping his clothes in a pile on the floor to be picked up in the morning. He slid under the covers in his boxer-briefs, relieved to feel the familiar high thread count sheets against his skin.
* * *
"Kurt?" Blaine sat halfway up in bed, blinking and rubbing his eyes as shadows were cast over the planes of his face by the streetlights outside their bedroom window.
Kurt smiled sadly - there was no way to describe a sleepy Blaine other than adorable - and shucked his shirt, dropping it on the ground.
"Honey?"
"What time is it?" Blaine asked, his voice thick and slurred with sleep. "How long have I been out?"
"Maybe fifteen minutes? I'm sorry, I just wanted to make sure Dad and Finn got the air mattress blown up."
"'S okay."
Kurt chuckled softly. "You've already taken up more than your fair share of the bed. Scoot over."
Blaine obliged as Kurt undid his shorts and let them fall, stepping out of them and climbing up the foot of the bed, flopping belly-down on top of the comforter with a loud groan. "I'm so tired."
He felt Blaine fumbling in the dark for his hand and turned onto his side, reaching out to cup Blaine's cheek gently in his palm.
"I wish this was a bad dream," Blaine whispered. "I wish we could wake up in the morning and everything would be okay again -"
"Oh, Blaine," Kurt sighed, slipping under the covers. Blaine latched onto him, octopus limbs curling around his chest and legs. "Shhh, shhh," he soothed, rubbing Blaine's back, tears coming to his eyes.
"I can't believe she's gone," he gasped into Kurt's shoulder.
"Shhhh," Kurt repeated, then tipped Blaine's chin up and kissed him softly. He pulled away momentarily, staring into Blaine's wet eyes, his own gaze tear-blurred, and carefully wiped away a single drop of salty liquid that clung to Blaine's thick eyelashes with the very tip of his finger.
"No matter what happens, we're in this together, remember?" Kurt said, pressing a firm kiss to Blaine's temple. "That's what we said before. No matter what happens, I love you."
"I didn't think it'd end up like this," Blaine said in a broken voice. "I thought that if she changed her mind she'd at least do it before we brought Violet home …"
Kurt silenced him with another solid kiss to the lips. He cupped Blaine's cheek in his hand again, tipped his head and slid the tip of his tongue forward out of his own lips, running it lightly over Blaine's.
Blaine pulled back. "Kurt -"
He wordlessly kissed down the tendon on the side of Blaine's neck, sucking lightly when he reached his collarbone, and Blaine inhaled sharply.
"I don't want you to do this just to make me feel better," he said, squirming under Kurt's touch. "I know you need -"
"The only thing I need right now is you," Kurt said, his tone gentle and reverent as he kissed down the length of Blaine's sternum.
The octopus limbs were back, and Kurt found himself entirely entangled in Blaine's grasp. "I love you," Blaine whispered, clinging to him, and Kurt clung right back.
There was a heaviness to their touch, the kind that came only with intense worry or suffering - it was there after Burt's second heart scare, after Blaine's aunt, the only family member he'd ever been close to, died unexpectedly six winters prior from a cancer she never knew she had.
It was in the drag of their fingertips, in the weight of their sighs, in the fact that Kurt gasped and started crying the first time Blaine's fingers brushed against his entrance.
"You okay?" Blaine asked, cradling him, fingers far removed from the sensitive skin. "We don't have to -"
"No, no, I think I need this," he answered, trying to steady his breathing. "I - it'll make me let go a little? And god knows you need some control right now - I can see you spiraling."
"I love you," Blaine said, not quite replying. "Just say the word, and I'll stop."
They both cried in the end, their foreheads pressed together so hard their skin turned white as Blaine pressed himself deep into Kurt's body. Kurt could feel his short fingernails digging into Blaine's shoulders, making small red crescents in his skin, but Blaine didn't seem to mind, pressing his shoulders back into Kurt's touch and thrusting deeper still.
Kurt couldn't speak. He tried three times to say "I love you," but his throat rebelled, letting out gasping sobs in place of the words that made his body quake and quiver. Eventually he gave up, trying to breathe through the tears as Blaine took him apart piece by piece.
"Oh, Kurt," Blaine finally stuttered, "oh god, oh Kurt, oh Kurt -" His hips snapped with a tautness that Kurt recognized.
He gasped through his orgasm as Kurt held him firmly, then collapsed, floppy and clingy, on top of him.
"I'm sorry," he murmured. "You didn't -"
"Shhh, shhh, don't be sorry. I love you," Kurt found himself finally able to say as Blaine reached up to cup his cheek, so he said it again. "I love you." And again, and again, and again. "I love you, I love you, I love you."
There were messy, wet kisses, an equally messy, wet hand job, and then Kurt felt himself succumbing to sleep as Blaine’s thumb caressed back and forth over the bumps of his knuckles.
"I love you too," he heard Blaine breathe just before he fell into a night of restless dreaming.
Chapter 13