Too in Love to Let it Go, Chapter 15 cont'd
Blaine jumped when he heard the door unlock, lost in his own world on the couch.
"Where've you been?" he asked, tossing the magazine he hadn't even been reading to the side.
"Hey, honey - Romeo and I took a walk, and I called my dad. I just needed a little time to recharge." Kurt unhooked Romeo's leash, his face serene and free of the worried wrinkles that creased his forehead the night before when Blaine felt like he was going crazy. It made him want to throw things.
"And how'd that work out for you?" Blaine picked up one of Romeo's tennis balls and began bouncing it angrily, creating his own percussion as floor-wall-hand beat out a staccato rhythm.
"Probably better than that ball is working out for you," Kurt quipped. "You're going to make a dent in the wall."
Blaine scowled and bounced the ball towards Kurt's feet.
"Will you talk to me, please?" Kurt picked up the ball and threw it to Romeo. "Are you mad at me for leaving this morning?"
Blaine looked up. "I'm mad at me for wanting you to stay," he admitted.
"Oh, honey, come here," Kurt sighed, grabbing Blaine's hand and tugging, but Blaine pulled away and ducked his head.
"It's just - all you all you had to do was take a walk and you look like you feel fantastic. I feel like I'm imploding and exploding at the same time, and I can't -" His face twisted with the effort not to cry. "I can't do it, Kurt. And I - I'm not being what you need, I know. I just - I'm miserable and I can hardly function and I haven't felt like this in years and I hate -"
"Shhh." Suddenly Kurt's face came into view as he squatted down before Blaine, his eyes wide and gentle. "This was never not going to be hell on earth, Blaine. You're doing the best you can, and I know that, okay? We can't both just fall apart at the same time, so I'm - I'm hanging in there. I don't want you to worry about me."
Blaine had never hated himself more. "I'm your husband, Kurt, and I love you - how can I not worry? I'm so sorry - I need to be better -"
"You need to give yourself a break."
"Did you eat today?" Blaine asked, purposely changing the subject.
"Yes."
"How much, Kurt?"
Kurt sighed, perching his perfect ass on their coffee table in front of him. "Some cereal this morning. And I got a coffee on my way home."
Blaine shut his eyes and rubbed hard on his forehead, trying to release the tension there. "Coffee doesn't count as lunch. You need to eat, baby - I know it's hard, but can you think of something that sounds good?"
"Cereal. And coffee."
"Kurt -"
"Come on," Kurt interrupted, "We can worry about me later. I feel fine. Let's worry about you for a minute - I got to recharge this morning; what do you need?"
"I need to stop worrying that you're going to starve to death."
Kurt rolled his eyes. "I'm not going to starve to death in the next hour, Blaine. What do you need right now? From me?"
Blaine couldn't think of anything in this world that he needed except his baby, and for his husband to be well. "Honestly? I don't have a clue."
"It's not your fault, you know," Kurt told him.
Blaine was caught off-guard. "What's not my fault?"
"Whatever you're sitting there blaming yourself for - I can see you doing it," Kurt said.
He never realized he was quite so transparent. And he didn't know exactly what Kurt was talking about - he wasn't really blaming himself, he was just stating a fact. It wasn't fair that Kurt was being forced to endure Blaine's lack of coping skills, staying up with him all night, listening to him cry. "But if I were just a little more -"
Suddenly Kurt wasn't on the coffee table anymore, but was in Blaine's lap, straddling him and pushing him into the couch cushions.
"Stop it," Kurt whispered, pressing his forehead hard against Blaine's. "You don't need to be a little more anything, do you hear me?"
Blaine nodded, and Kurt pressed a soft kiss to his lips, then another, then one more. Blaine let his eyelids slide shut as Kurt's hands came up to tip his head back. He whimpered softly, taking a deep, shaky breath in through his nose as Kurt's tongue opened his lips and slid slowly over his. He tightened his grip around Kurt's biceps, and Kurt pulled back just far enough to speak.
"Is this okay? Is this what you need?"
"I don't know," Blaine whispered. "I don't know what I need."
"Do you think that maybe you can just need me right now?" Kurt asked softly.
Blaine gave a slight nod of his head. It was so easy to need Kurt. He needed Kurt's wit and Kurt's sureness and Kurt's snark and Kurt's beauty and Kurt's love and god, the sex was good, too. On average, Blaine needed Kurt 380 days a year, and he knew the numbers didn't add up, but he didn't care. So yes, he could do what Kurt asked. He could just need Kurt right now, and maybe what Kurt didn't completely know was that needing Kurt right now would be no different than any of the other days since they'd met. Needing Kurt felt like a full-time occupation.
That little nod was all it took for Kurt to surge forward, capturing Blaine's lips in a heady kiss once again. Blaine surrendered to it immediately, letting Kurt explore his mouth, shuddering as Kurt's thumbs slid over his nipples.
That kind of needing Kurt turned out to be exactly what he needed, the relinquishing of control, having Kurt on him and over him, and Blaine had a sudden desire for Kurt to be in him as well.
"Kurt - god -" Blaine whined as Kurt's lips moved to his neck, sucking a purple mark in the dip between his shoulder and collarbone. But the second his hips bucked up, Kurt's hands were there, pressing him back down into the couch.
Blaine sucked in breath after breath of air as Kurt worked down his throat and into the neck of his t-shirt with his tongue. The short, prickly hairs on Kurt’s face from an unusual three days of not shaving scratched deliciously irritated red patches into Blaine’s skin, and he knew that later, he'd stare at them in the mirror, touch them with awe in his fingers.
He gasped as Kurt's thumbs drew circles around his nipples, but as he grew harder, guilt replaced need, curling in his stomach, tasting sour.
"Kurt, wait."
Kurt sat up straight. "What is it, honey?"
"Should we be doing this? I just feel guilty for feeling anything but awful, and there's no chance of this making me feel anything but good, and -"
"Blaine." Kurt sounded so hurt. "The whole point of this is to make you feel good. It's okay to feel good, honey, I don't understand -" he paused. "Do you remember the night Violet had to leave us? We made love then, and it wasn't terrible, was it? You didn't feel guilty then, did you?"
"No, but this -"
"This is happening because I love you and I want to be close to you," Kurt said. "It's happening because I want you to feel better. But if you don't want to …"
Blaine's heart sank as Kurt closed off, shrinking even farther back from him. It was the last thing that he wanted to happen. "No, hey, wait. We can -"
"I'm not going to pressure you into doing anything with me, Blaine. If you don't want -"
"Okay, first, stop talking like we're teenagers," Blaine said, trying not to roll his eyes. Pressure me, really?"Second, I don't know what I want." It wasn't entirely true - he knew he didn't want Kurt to shut down, to leave. "I don't know, Kurt. I don't know what to think or feel anymore, and it all gets twisted, and this - I don't want this to get twisted along with everything else. This is ours, and it's so special, and - I just don't want to ruin it."
Kurt's face softened. "I love you so much," he said, bending to kiss his forehead. "This won't ever be ruined because it's us, Blaine. If we stop having sex because we want to protect it from feeling messy or scary or too much? I'm scared that we're the ones who will get ruined. Does that make sense?"
Blaine nodded slowly. It made - well, it made more sense than he'd have liked to admit. It made so much sense that he couldn't believe he hadn't thought of it before, but he was thinking with his very broken heart instead of with his head, and Kurt was just better at it than he was.
"I just - I don't want to lose you." Kurt's voice wavered, and Blaine saw a single teardrop slip out of the corner of his eye when he blinked. "I don't want to lose any part of you - I can't do this without you."
Blaine's chest tightened and he took a shaky breath, wiping the tear carefully off Kurt's cheek with the pad of his thumb. "You're not going to lose me."
"I can't, Blaine, you - you're everything," Kurt breathed, falling forward, and Blaine caught him in a tight hug.
They clung to each other for a long time, then Blaine pressed his lips to Kurt's temple. "I think you can kiss me now," he murmured, the guilt washing away with the tides of Kurt's love.
And Kurt did, pressing kisses to Blaine's cheeks and lips and eyelids and the tender skin behind his ears. "I love you," he whispered, and Blaine sighed.
When Kurt worked his way back to Blaine's mouth, Blaine parted his lips and moaned as their tongues met, sliding back and forth, with delicious intention. He got lost in it, Kurt's hands in his hair and on his face, his hips pressing Blaine deeper and deeper into the couch.
"Kurt -"
"Hold on."
Blaine barely had time to register the words before the world tilted on its axis for a moment and he found himself on top of Kurt, straddling his lap. "Arms around my neck, legs around my waist," Kurt instructed darkly, and when Blaine complied, he wrapped a strong arm around Blaine's back, rose from the couch, and headed straight for the bedroom.
Blaine's stomach swooped down somewhere near his toes as he curled his face into Kurt's shoulder. He could feel Kurt's biceps against his sides, flexed and stretching against the sleeves of his soft t-shirt, and all the blood in his body seemed to rush to his groin from merely thinking about how strong Kurt really was.
"I love it when you carry me," he whispered as Kurt's free hand idly grazed back and forth over his ass.
"I know." Kurt eased Blaine to the bed, his hungry eyes never leaving Blaine's.
Every guilty, wrong feeling Blaine had, every doubt about sex with Kurt was washed away with the way Kurt was looking at him. Blaine lifted his arms, letting Kurt peel his shirt up his torso and over his head in one smooth motion.
"I promise we'll stop if this gets to be too much," Kurt said, shucking his own clothes as Blaine lay back. "Just let me know, okay?"
Blaine nodded, lifting his hips up as Kurt tugged his cut-off gray sweatpants down his legs, dragging his fingers over Blaine's calves.
"God, I'm glad I married you," Kurt murmured as Blaine was exposed, a pair of black briefs the only thing covering him.
"You only love me for my body," he quipped accusingly.
"Well, not only for your body," Kurt said with a grin, "but it certainly helps." He lowered himself over Blaine, hovering close. The miniscule space that separated their bodies was electrified - Blaine could feel him, though they weren't quite touching. His body jerked upward as their cocks brushed against each other through two thin layers of soft cotton, and Kurt closed the tiny gap between them, letting his weight rest on Blaine's chest.
"I love you," Kurt whispered against his lips, and Blaine moaned as Kurt rolled his hips more insistently, increasing the heat and friction. Kurt took Blaine's hands, still healing from the fight with the heavy bag, in his own. He lowered his head, kissing each of Blaine's knuckles softly, then turned Blaine's hands over and pressed kisses into his palms. Blaine felt like Kurt was trying to invoke some form of magic through his lips, to send some healing power into his skin and bones and nerves. It was so reverent, so intimate, that it sent chills through Blaine's body.
Hands tingling from the touch of Kurt's lips, Blaine brought his swollen hands to Kurt's face and pulled him close. They kissed, rubbing against each other for what seemed like an eternity, until Kurt finally let go of the back of Blaine's head to tug his underwear down to his ankles.
Blaine felt his cock flop against his stomach as Kurt gave him a searching look. "Still okay?"
"More than okay," he answered, kicking his briefs to the floor. "But it'll be better when these are gone too." He sat up, letting his hands ghost over Kurt's hips, and he drew his index finger over the long bulge in Kurt's tight navy boy shorts. Kurt's body quaked under his touch, and Blaine slid his fingers under the waistband, slowly sliding them down over Kurt's perfect ass and thighs.
"God, Blaine -" Kurt moaned, closing his eyes for a moment.
Then he dropped off the bed, his head nearly disappearing from view, and Blaine felt Kurt's hands clasp around his feet, pushing his legs up so that his knees bent close to his chest.
"Oh, Kurt," Blaine breathed, grabbing the backs of his legs and curling around them just as Kurt's tongue made contact with his skin. "Mmmm," he sighed as Kurt licked a path across one thigh, over his balls, and down until - "There."
Kurt mumbled a garbled reply, and Blaine felt him licking circles around his hole. He breathed steadily as his body and his heart seemed to bloom under Kurt's tongue. His skin buzzed to life, and he could feel his heart fluttering further open with each gentle arc.
Kurt laved at his skin as if it were a sacred, precious thing, ever so lightly running his hands up and down Blaine's thighs, until Blaine begged for more.
"Please," he panted, "Please …" and sucked in a breath when the tip of Kurt's tongue pressed inside him.
"God, it's been a while since we've done this," Blaine moaned, pulling his knees back flush with his chest, ignoring the ache in his fingers, opening himself up to his husband.
"You're beautiful," Kurt whispered worshipfully, pulling backwards for a moment. Blaine's cock swelled as he felt Kurt's heavy stare, saw the lust in his eyes. "Hang on for me, honey."
Blaine's mouth dropped open when Kurt bent again, stiffened his tongue and began thrusting it in and out of Blaine's body.
He forced himself to open his eyes and watch the top of Kurt's head bob between his legs. "Kurt - Kurt - ahhhh -"
Suddenly Kurt's face came into view, a string of saliva dripping from his chin. "Shhh, just let me take care of you, Blaine."
Blaine's head hit the pillow again when Kurt started back, this time flattening his tongue and licking from Blaine's hole, over his balls and up his cock, following the trail back down again. Blaine's body shook as Kurt pushed inside him again. After a few shallow thrusts of his tongue, Kurt increased his efforts until sparks of pleasure lit Blaine up from the inside out.
"Ohmygod Kurt -" Blaine groaned, wanting desperately to jerk himself off, but kept his hands in place behind his knees, his feet dangling, ass exposed and pulled open. His eyes rolled back in his head; it was bliss and torture all at the same time. Desperate for friction, he was trying to curl up even more in attempts to rub his cock against his own stomach when Kurt stopped, pulling his face away from Blaine's body.
"I bet I could make you come, just from that," Kurt said thoughtfully.
"Fuck," Blaine grunted, secretly thinking that given enough time to stare and let his mind wander, he could come just from Kurt's completely debauched appearance, face red from exertion, wet with his own saliva.
"But I think I won't," Kurt continued, uncapping a bottle of lube he grabbed from the drawer on Blaine's side of the bed. He dribbled it over his hand and, with little warning, slid two fingers up inside of Blaine's body.
"Holy shit," Blaine swore, releasing his legs in surprise.
Kurt stopped. "Too much?"
"No, just move, Jesus -" Blaine grunted, rotating his hips, riding Kurt's fingers. Kurt curled his hand just so, and the pads of his fingers slid across Blaine's prostate.
In spite of already-aching thighs - they weren't as young as they used to be - Blaine held the angle and was soon letting out wanton moans.
Just as his body began to shake, Kurt withdrew his fingers. "Don’t you dare come yet," he threatened. "I know it's been a while, but god, Blaine -"
Blaine opened his eyes, looking up sheepishly. "Sorry," he said, taking deep, shaky breaths in. "It's your fault, you know - the things you do to me - you'd almost come too if you could feel it."
"Shhhh," Kurt hushed him, placing his index finger over Blaine's lips. "I want to fuck you now."
He grinned. "Okay."
* * *
Blaine was trembling, moaning loudly as Kurt fucked him hard against their mirrored closet door. Pre-come from Blaine's cock had dripped down his leg and his fingers were squeaking against the glass as they grasped for something to hold onto.
"Fuck, Kurt, fuck me harder," he gasped, jutting his ass out, effectively pressing Kurt deeper inside him. "More, please -"
Kurt bit down hard on his neck as he wrenched Blaine's leg up higher from where it rested on the chair they'd dragged in from the kitchen. Blaine felt the burning stretch in his inner thigh and bent deep to let his head rest on the mirror, closing his eyes and surrendering to the pounding thrusts Kurt was now putting his back into.
He’d just encircled his cock in his own tight grip when Kurt pulled out of him with a jerk. He gasped, shocked at the sudden emptiness as his hole clenched around nothing, and his arms began to shake against the mirror. "What -"
"Blaine, honey, I'm sorry - hang on - bed -" Kurt grunted.
Blaine, desperate for the orgasm that had been purposefully delayed, threw their expensive linen comforter on the floor and perched on his hands and knees, his ass stuck high in the air.
"Will you turn over?" Kurt asked him.
"Anything, baby," he breathed as he flipped himself over. "As long as - wait, are you okay?" Kurt was shuddering above him on unsteady arms, and Blaine's hand flew to Kurt's side in an attempt to support him.
"I'm fine," Kurt gasped, but Blaine could see tears in his eyes.
"Kurt, baby, are you sure?" Kurt jerked his hips sharply against Blaine's in reply, and Blaine groaned. "Look, if you need to -"
"What I need, Blaine, is to come in your ass," Kurt said, his voice still shaking. Blaine watched him shut his eyes and take two long, deep breaths. "Now," he said with a well-recovered smile, "if you'd be so kind, put your legs on my shoulders and let me fuck you till you can't see straight, okay?"
Blaine was worried. Kurt looked about as strong as a baby bird, all his energy sapped from him. What Kurt wanted wasn't necessary - Blaine didn't need to be fucked to feel the love and care that Kurt clearly wanted to show him. He was perfectly content just to lie on the bed, touching lazily until both of them came. It was Kurt's heart that he felt so much while they were fucking, making love (which were two distinctive acts in Blaine's mind, but Kurt fucked so sweetly that even that felt like making love to him). That's all Blaine wanted to feel, and he'd felt so much of it already that day.
He softened his tone. "Baby, I can tell you're running on fumes. Just lie back and -"
"Legs, Blaine," Kurt ordered firmly.
Blaine sighed and obliged, knowing he was fighting a losing battle. The last thing he wanted was for what began as beautiful, perfect sex with his husband to turn into a nasty battle of wills. Kurt smiled smugly and uncapped the bottle of lube again. Blaine closed his eyes and breathed hard as Kurt’s cool, coated fingers rubbed around his rim, then inside him. He heard Kurt slick himself up with a slurping noise of wet skin against wet skin, and Blaine's back arched a moment later as Kurt slid all the way inside him in one smooth movement. As much as he didn't want to push Kurt too hard, it was bliss to feel that full again.
"Now," Kurt said with a sly grin as Blaine's fingers twisted into the sheets underneath him. "Where were we?"
* * *
"Keep going keep going keep going," Kurt chanted silently to himself, legs and arms trembling as he pounded a hard rhythm into Blaine's ass. He'd started feeling like he might collapse twenty minutes prior, and it was all he could do to keep at it, but Blaine needed this more than he needed to stop.
Blaine was close - Kurt could tell by the way he was grunting, little uh-uh-uhs with each thrust in, his face twisted in pleasure.
"Come on, honey," Kurt encouraged breathlessly. "Come for me - I'm not even going to have to touch you, I can tell -"
"Please, Kurt," Blaine practically sobbed, the only coherent thing to come out of his mouth since Kurt started fucking him the second time.
"Come on," he repeated, his legs screaming at him as he tried to change his angle. "Come on, you can -"
"Kurt," Blaine moaned, interrupting him. "Kurt, fuck, god, fuck, Kurt -"
Kurt shifted so that he was leaning heavily on one arm, the other grasping firmly at Blaine's hip. He tucked his chin down and took one of Blaine's nipples between his teeth, nipping at it lightly, still driving a hard beat into Blaine's body with his cock.
Apparently Kurt's teeth on his nipple followed by a soothing lick of Kurt's tongue were all Blaine needed to push him over the edge, and he came with a shout, shooting thick streaks of come over his chest.
Kurt forgot his aching thighs and low blood sugar and lightheadedness for a moment as he watched Blaine's body spasm, and it was the clenching of Blaine's tight muscles around his cock that finally sent him over as well, pulsing violently into Blaine's body.
He nearly lost it again as he came down, a few tears leaking out of the corners of his eyes as he collapsed onto the bed beside Blaine, who was gasping, "Oh my god - oh my god - oh my god" to the beat of his still-twitching cock.
"Good?" Kurt asked, his heart beating like hummingbird wings in his chest.
"Oh my god," Blaine repeated, blinking sleepy eyes.
Kurt saw his out. "I love you, honey, but I can't stand to be this sweaty in bed - I'm going to go take a shower, if that's alright with you …"
Blaine frowned. "No cuddles?" he asked.
"I'll cuddle with you when I'm clean, okay?" Kurt said, knowing full well that Blaine would be asleep in minutes.
"Okay," Blaine said with a pout. He rolled over and closed his eyes, hugging his pillow and looking sated and peaceful for the first time in days.
Kurt scrambled out of bed and into the bathroom and barely got the door closed before the tears started flowing. He turned the water as hot as he could stand it and stood under the stream, sobbing. He'd been running on sheer stubbornness for close to forty-eight hours (longer than that, if he was being honest), and stubbornness could only replace calories and sleep for so long. His conversation with his dad had revived him, but he'd given everything he got from that to Blaine, and he was all out of things to give.
Grief was exhausting.
After he'd finally cried enough to get it out of his system, he doused his loofah sponge with body wash and scrubbed the drying come from his stomach, quickly washed his hair, then slipped on his silk dressing gown. He tiptoed through the bedroom, where Blaine was out like a light, making occasional snuffling noises in his sleep, and perched in the large window seat they'd fashioned as a reading nook.
He tucked his knees under his chin and looked out over the city. It was mid-afternoon and the sun was shining brightly, reflecting off the windows of the building adjacent to them. It felt wrong. Kurt wanted it to be evening, wanted to ponder over what he was going to do as he watched the sun set. It was just another reminder to him that the rest of the world hadn't stopped moving just because their baby wasn't in her bed.
Think about the work thing before you just go and do it, his dad had said earlier.
But Kurt had thought enough in the twelve days prior. What he needed was to create.
(What he truly needed was a nap and a good meal, but sleep wouldn't come and his stomach was still rolling, so he settled for his sketchpad instead.)
And so, wearing nothing but a cobalt blue dressing gown, his hair still wet, Kurt sat on the couch and in a matter of hours churned out an entire line of women's mourning clothes on his sketchpad. They were to be made with raw silk and gossamer and lace, delicate and tragic in their beauty.
By the time he was done, he was out of breath, and he stared down at the page, not quite knowing what to think of it, until Blaine walked into the room, not a stitch of clothing on his body.
"I'm here to cash in on my post-coital cuddles," he said, still sleepy, folding his arms across his chest. "You never came back after your shower -"
"Blaine, I need to talk to you."
Blaine awoke fully then. "Ohh-kay," he said slowly. "Did I do something wrong? Are you mad?"
"No, honey, of course not." Kurt held up his sketchpad. "I just think it's time for me to go back to work."
Chapter 16