Too in Love to Let it Go, Chapter 26 cont'd
"Well, that was fairly painless," Kurt said, holding Blaine's hand as they walked down the sidewalk, the brisk fall breeze making Blaine's cardigan flutter.
Much to Kurt's relief, his thymus was not damaged, nor were any of his other major organs. Aside from some mild anemia that the doctor said could be easily fixed with an iron supplement, Kurt left the building with a clean bill of health and a prescription for an anti-nausea medication.
"I told you it'd be okay," Blaine said with a smile.
"Thanks for coming with me." Kurt gave Blaine's hand a squeeze and gently nudged his shoulder. "It makes it easier, having a needle buddy."
"What, somebody to talk to so you're too distracted to look at the needle?"
"Yep." Kurt thought fondly of Blaine's smiling face, steadily fixed on his own as they sat in the lab while Kurt tried not to look at the blue tourniquet wrapped around his arm. Blaine had been a dream, regaling him with happy memories of their college antics and a story from their wedding reception that somehow he'd never heard before. He barely felt the prick when the lab tech stuck his arm.
"Kurt, I'd never let you go to an appointment like that by yourself," Blaine told him. "I'll be your needle buddy anytime."
"Thanks," Kurt grinned.
Blaine sighed, scuffing his shoe against the ground. "Well, that's one down, one to go…"
"Don't do that, honey - you're going to ruin those shoes, and I know how much you like them," Kurt scolded gently. "But, yeah, you're right. One to go."
"You don't sound very enthused," Blaine said. "At least there's no poking at Dr. Jacobson's office."
"True," Kurt said, silently adding, But there might be a lot of stabbing me in the heart. He was scared - worried that Dr. Jacobson would take Blaine's side over his, worried that their therapy sessions would become opportunities to cast blame and yell at each other some more. They were still so hesitant around each other - he didn't want to undo what little progress they'd made.
"Come on," Blaine prodded, squeezing his hand. "Let's go talk about our feelings."
* * *
It was thirty minutes into their session, and Kurt and Blaine were in the middle of a stand-off. They were sitting on opposite ends of the squishy white couch, and Kurt felt like there was a solid wall between them. Blaine's arms were crossed, his eyes dark and stormy, and Kurt just felt defeated.
The appointment had started out nicely - Dr. Jacobson had asked for a brief history of their relationship, how they met, when they'd gotten married. Kurt had smiled shyly as he recounted being tugged awkwardly down the hall at Dalton, and Blaine had gotten teary as he recalled the sight of Kurt down on one knee before him, proposing. They'd talked a little about why they loved each other, why they chose to get married, and then Dr. Jacobson brought up the subject of trust.
They squirmed and hemmed and hawed, but she finally dragged out of both of them that no, they didn't really trust each other anymore. Their hands, joined in between their laps, separated, and their shackles came up as they scooted away from each other.
"Okay, do either of you have any idea where this dissolution of trust started? Was it gradual, or was there a certain thing -"
Blaine laughed dryly. "No, I can tell you, like, the exact moment I stopped trusting him. It might've had something to do with the fact that he lied to me, and then took apart the nursery without ever asking me about it. He was going to sell her stuff."
Kurt bristled. "Yeah, and then you walked out on me, which is the one thing we always promised never to do to each other."
"What was I supposed to do?" Blaine demanded, turning to Dr. Jacobson. "How would you have acted? He made me feel used and cheated, and he looked at me like I was this monster -"
Kurt sank deeper into his couch cushion.
"So yeah, I blew a gasket - I was fine until he touched her stuff, and then kaboom, Blaine goes crazy again. But - god, it was like he was throwing her away -" Blaine looked like an injured animal, his eyes wide and shining, his posture defensive, shoulders hunched, arms crossed. "I don't think I can talk about this anymore."
"Okay, Blaine," Dr. Jacobson said. "So what we'll do now is have Kurt summarize what you just said, and then you can offer clarification if you need to. It's called active listening, if you want to be technical, but all it does is help to prevent miscommunications. It'll give you both a chance to see how the other is perceiving what you say, okay?"
They both nodded sullenly.
"So, Kurt," she said, turning to him, "What did you hear Blaine say?"
He hung his head. "I lied to him," he said, feeling a terrible sense of guilt curl deep in his belly. "I broke his trust, I didn't listen to him when he asked me not to touch Violet's things. I - I made him feel like a monster, like I was getting rid of our baby -" His voice broke. "And it was my fault that he left."
"Blaine?"
Kurt felt his husband shift uncomfortably on the other end of the couch. "I mean - shit, you asked me how I felt, that's how I feel. I -" he trailed off. "It sounds worse when you're the one saying it."
"Okay. Can we hear Kurt's side of things now? Will you listen to him?"
Blaine scrubbed a hand through his hair. "I think I know the story from there, but sure, I'll listen."
Kurt fought back tears, his pulse pounding in his ears, as he took a deep breath. "I'm sorry, Blaine - I know it was wrong, I know I shouldn't have done anything with her room -"
"Kurt," Dr. Jacobson said gently, "we can talk about apologies later. Right now I just want to hear what happened."
Kurt closed his eyes. "I was trying to help," he said. "I thought it would help us move on …" He paused, taking a deep breath. "Everything he said is true. I did fake being sick so I could have time alone in the condo. I did take her crib apart, and I stacked all her stuff in piles, and -" He swallowed heavily. "I did spring it on him. I did. But when Blaine got home, he yelled at me like he's never yelled at me before, ever. It's the closest I've ever been to being scared of him." He heard Blaine suck in a breath on the couch beside him. "Then he packed a suitcase. I was -" Kurt stopped. He didn't want to go there, didn't want to face the feelings of desperation that still sometimes haunted his dreams. "I don't know how to explain how it felt, watching him. Like - every time he put something in that stupid suitcase, he ripped out another piece of my heart. And then he walked out, and I puked on our bathroom floor. I - I've never felt like that before, not in high school, not even when Karofsky -" He broke off.
Dr. Jacobson waited a few beats, then looked at Blaine. "Blaine? What did you hear Kurt say then?"
Blaine swallowed audibly. "I don't - I don't know if I want to repeat some of that -"
"Can you try?"
He took a deep breath, and oh, the guilt Kurt felt - he shouldn't have made that comparison, not with Karofsky, not with high school -
Blaine closed his eyes. "He was trying to help. He admitted to lying about being sick, he said he took her crib apart. He said - he said I yelled at him, that he was scared of me -" Blaine's voice wavered, and Kurt caught him looking at him out of the corner of his eye. "Did you really think I'd ever hurt you?"
"You did hurt me, Blaine."
Blaine made a pained little noise, and Kurt felt his heart break for the thousandth time since June.
"What else did Kurt say?" Dr. Jacobson gently prodded.
"That I - I ripped out his heart, I hurt him more than Karofsky did, fuck …"
Kurt glanced sideways at Blaine, who had a fist pressed to his mouth and tears in his eyes.
"Kurt? Do you want to clarify any of that?"
"You - that's not what I meant," he said softly, feeling awful. "You hurt me worse than he did because I let you, not because of what you did - Blaine, I love you. I hated him, then. I - it was a hundred times worse, you doing that, because of what you mean to me. I just -"
"No, I get it," Blaine said, his voice thick. "Because you did the same thing to me."
* * *
Blaine was staring at the wall, unable to look at Kurt. He couldn't bring himself to see the misery he'd caused written all over his husband's face. He wasn't sure what was more painful, actually - the fact that Kurt had broken his trust worse than he ever thought possible, or the fact that he'd done the same thing right back.
"But you say you still love each other, even after everything that's happened? Is that correct?"
Dr. Jacobson's voice pulled him from his thoughts. It was a simple question, and it had a simple answer, but Blaine found himself nodding to keep from bursting into tears.
"Yes," he barely heard Kurt whisper, his voice thick.
Blindly hoping, Blaine stuck his hand out in the middle of the couch, desperate for some sign that Kurt's answer really was true. He jumped when his fingers bumped against Kurt's. Fumbling, their hands found each other, and Blaine gasped back a sob as their fingers entwined. They still faced away from each other, but their grip was strong, joined by their outstretched arms across the couch. Kurt squeezed Blaine's fingers so tightly that he swore he felt it in his heart.
"Good," Dr. Jacobson said calmly as Blaine pressed his hand to his mouth to keep the tears in. "That's good."
* * *
Kurt strode out of the office with his arms crossed tight over his chest, leaving Blaine to trail behind him. He felt like an exposed nerve, too raw to let anyone touch him, save the moment where he and Blaine had clasped hands over the couch. In that moment, he'd needed something to tether him, but now that the appointment was over, all he wanted was some time alone.
"Kurt -" Blaine called after him as he hit the button for the elevator. Blaine ran to catch up as the doors opened, and Kurt sighed. It was ridiculous, if Blaine thought he was so upset that he'd let the doors shut on him.
"I really, really cannot talk about this anymore today," Kurt said as Blaine darted inside. "I love you, and I want to make this work, and I know there are things we need to say, but … Blaine, I can't, not today."
"I - okay. I just - I'm so sorry, Kurt, I flew off the handle, and -"
"Blaine. Not today."
It wasn't that Kurt was trying to be cold, or mean. He hated to cut Blaine off in the middle of an apology - it was rude, and while he could be acerbic on a good day, he did have standards. But he felt physically ill, having just relived one of the very worst days of his entire life, and he wanted to go home, take one of his new nausea pills, and go to sleep. He didn't want to hear how sorry Blaine was, or think about how sorry he needed to be. He didn't want, for one more second, to think of his lost daughter or the nursery that was still halfway disassembled at home, the door closed on it indefinitely. He wanted to stop hurting.
"Okay." Blaine's voice was small as he stood in the corner of the elevator, almost cowering.
Kurt sighed. Damn his heart, and damn the ridiculous amount of love for this stupid, silly, wonderful man that flowed through every vein in his body. "Look, I -" He sighed again. "Try tomorrow. I just - tomorrow, honey. I need the rest of today, okay?"
Blaine nodded, tucking his chin down. "Okay." His voice dropped to a whisper. "I'm sorry, Kurt."
Kurt let his head fall back against the elevator wall just as it dinged, signaling that they'd reached the ground floor. "I know you are." A pause, and a decision, because this was his choice. He was choosing to make this work. "I'm sorry too."
Chapter 27