Twisted Hearts
Title: Twisted Hearts
Rating: R
Genre: au!au
Disclaimer: Ennis and Jack belong to Annie Proulx. No disrespect intended.
Summary: Under cut
*This is a story told from Ennis's POV. He's an eighteen year old drug addict that winds up in a sober living facility. Jack is the residential counselor/adviser. As Jack helps Ennis with his sobriety, Ennis replaces his old addiction for a new one-Jack. Jack, a recovering addict himself, finds himself spiraling back into addiction, except this time his drug of choice is Ennis. Their love for one another becomes possessive, twisted, but pure and forgiving. Can they find a normal balance? What is "normal" anyway...
*Note* I know this subject matter may be difficult for sensitive readers, (which is why I put the summary under cut) but I assure you I love Ennis and Jack, and I do not get carried away with drug use and there is certainly no death in this story. I do like happy endings...even if it's a little twisted.
Link to chapter 1:lavender-snow.livejournal.com/458.html#c utid1
Link to chapter 2:lavender-snow.livejournal.com/674.html#c utid1
Link to chapter 3:lavender-snow.livejournal.com/1580.html#cutid1
Chapter 4
I awoke the next morning in a complete daze. For a second, I totally forgot where I was. The last thing I remembered after my “little” meltdown was eating a sandwich that Jack brought to my room then Shelly checking on me. I remember she’d given me a couple pills to calm my nerves and that’s when I must have passed out.
Once I snapped back to reality, I looked around the room and saw three sleeping strangers, they were obviously my new roommates. One guy looked like he was Jack's age, maybe a little younger. The other two men had to be in their mid to late thirties. I couldn't believe I'd be living with these people for the next few weeks...it kind of creeped me out.
I stayed in bed a little longer just staring at the ceiling. My penis was asking for attention, but I wasn't about to rub one out in a roomful of strange people.
My mind started racing, wondering what the hell the day had in store for me. I reached under my bed and pulled out the schedule that was given to me yesterday. I knew my first stop was Shelly's and then it looked like I had group session at nine. My anxiety started to kick in as I read, 11:00am-Individual Counseling.
I slowly got out of bed, careful not to make any noise. I went into the bathroom to take a piss and suddenly realized I was wearing a pair of gray sweatpants and a black sweatshirt that obviously did not belong to me. I couldn’t believe I was that out of it last night. Someone had to have dressed me. I hoped it was Jack. I wanted him to see me naked as much as humanly possible. I wanted it to be me, and my body, that crossed his mind when he was lying in bed at night, jerkin himself off so hard it hurt.
I really don't know why I insisted on torturing myself with fantasies like that. It’s not like I had a chance in hell with Jack. Aside from the fact that I was a seventeen year old, drug addict, crybaby, virgin, I’m sure he had some drop dead gorgeous boyfriend held up in his apartment that he fucked morning, noon, and night. I wanted that. I wanted a sex life just like that, but even more so, I wanted a companion, someone to talk to, someone to laugh at my jokes, someone to tell all my secrets to, someone willing to accept me for me, flaws and all.
*******
I got my ass downstairs to see Shelly at seven o’clock sharp. “Lift up your tongue” was now added to the routine after swallowing my pills.
My next stop was the café. I quickly grabbed two sesame bagels and a tall glass of orange juice. I really wanted some bacon and eggs, but that would have meant standing in line with everyone, running the risk of having to make small talk.
The doors of the café were opened to a large courtyard. I really wanted some fresh air. There were picnic tables all over the place, but the weather was nice and I felt like sitting on the grass. I plopped myself down in front of an old birch tree. The morning sun felt so good on my face. I hadn’t been up that early in a long time.
I finished my breakfast, walked back inside, and spotted Jack chatting away with an older woman. He was wearing a pair of baggy jeans and a hooded blue sweatshirt, his hair sticking up in all directions. Seeing Jack first thing in morning made me smile for some reason.
I wanted to ask him what the hell happened to me last night and how I ended up in these clothes, but didn’t want to interrupt his conversation, so I took seat and patiently waited.
Jack refilled his cup of coffee and started to walk in my direction. I actually got a small case of the butterflies. “Hey, how are you feelin today?” he asked, sitting down across from me.
“Alright, I guess. Jack, what happened to me last night? Where did these clothes come from?” I asked, pulling on the neck of the sweatshirt. “I remember having something to eat and then Shelly giving me some kind of medication, but that’s about it.”
Jack placed his hands around his warm coffee cup. “You were having a real tough time yesterday, Ennis. Shelly gave you some Ativan to help you sleep,” he explained.
“Oh. Well, whatever it was really worked. I don’t even remember getting into these clothes.”
The corners of Jack’s mouth lifted. “Yeah, you were pretty tired. Sorry about the outfit, it’s all I had that was clean.”
I couldn’t help but grin. “These are yours?” I asked, glancing at the sweatshirt.
“Yeah,” he replied. “Which reminds me, I got a message from your mom. She said she won’t be able to drop off any of your clothing until tomorrow night. So when we’re done here, I’ll take you to my apartment. I’m sure we can find something for you to wear in the meantime.”
I tried to contain my excitement the best I could. “Oh, okay."
****
Jack led me down to the end of the same hall where Shelly’s office was located.
“Come on in,” he said, opening the door.
The apartment was just as I imagined it would be. There was an old, maroon sofa tucked on the left side of the living room beneath a large window. The carpet was beige with curtains to match. Books, clothing, and DVD’s were scattered all over the floor. There was clutter everywhere, but for some reason it felt really cozy to me.
“Sorry about the mess,” he apologized.
As I followed him through the kitchen, I noticed only one coffee cup on the counter and the sink appeared to have only one set of dirty dishes. I know it wasn’t much “proof”, but it seemed to me that he was living there alone. I breathed a sigh of relief.
“Follow me,” he said.
When we entered the bedroom, his scent immediately smacked me in the face. I stared at his bed. The comforter and sheets were strewn all over the place. I couldn't look away. I began fantasizing that Jack had me on all fours, locked in a possessive mount, his cock thrusting in and out of my tight,virgin ass. I could almost hear the sounds of our flesh smacking together as he drove me to dizzying heights.
“Hmm,” Jack said, scratching the top of his head. “We’re about the same size. How about these jeans and this top?” he suggested.
“Huh?” I had to get it together, but my penis hurt so bad I could barely think straight. I stuck my hand in my right pocket and grabbed my dick from the inside of my sweat pants. I discretely maneuvered it in an upright position so it wouldn't be seen.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
I folded my hands over my crotch and swallowed real hard. “Yeah…sorry. I’m still a little out of it from that sedative Shelly gave me,” I lied.
“Oh. Don’t worry, nothing a couple cups of coffee can’t fix,” Jack said, handing me his clothing.
I stared at the pair of blue jeans and brown sweater in my hand. “These are fine, Jack. Thank you.”
“Do you want to try them on first?” he asked.
“No, they’re fine,” I mumbled. It then dawned on me that I didn’t have any clean underwear. It was one thing to lend someone a pair of pants and a shirt, but underwear? I really needed some though. The pair I was wearing had enough precome in them to impregnate a horse.
“Um…Jack? I know this is gonna sound weird, but…what should I do about the underwear situation?”
Jack chuckled. “I didn’t even think about that. Well, I don’t have anything brand-new, but I have a couple clean pairs you can have…if you want.”
“That’s fine.” I sounded waaay too excited, so I switched gears, “Actually…never mind, I’ll just go commando...I guess.”
Jack cocked his head to the side, staring directly into my eyes. “Ennis, do you want a pair, yes or no? They’re clean.”
To be honest, I really wanted a pair of his dirty underwear. “Yeah, what the hell,” I replied, trying to play it cool.
Jack smiled and began rummaging through his top drawer. I stood on my tiptoes behind his back to get a peek inside. My heart began to race as I spotted a small tube of KY jelly. I wasn’t sure how much more of this my penis and I could take…
“Here,” he said, handing me a pair of white boxer briefs. “Take these too.” He placed a pair of socks on top of the pile of clothing in my hand.
“Thanks, Jack. I’ll try not to ruin them.”
“Don’t worry about it,” he reassured.
I scratched the top of my head and got a whiff of my underarm odor, I really needed a shower. “Hey, Jack? Can I…would it be alright if I took a quick shower here? There’s only one bathroom upstairs…I’m sure my roommates are all hogging it by now. Please?” I could tell by the look on Jack’s face this was probably a big no-no.
“Ennis…,” he sighed.
“Jack, I swear, it will only take ten minutes-tops."
Jack sighed again, dragging his hand down his face. “Fine, you’ve got ten minutes, Ennis. I really shouldn’t be allowing you to do this you know.”
He didn’t seem thrilled, that’s for sure, but I honestly didn’t see what the big deal was. “Jack, it’s only a shower, why is it against the rules?”
“Because, Ennis. You’re one of my patients and being in my apartment, using my shower is…well, kind of intimate, do you understand?”
“No,” I replied. I really didn’t, but I liked hearing my name and the word 'intimate' in the same breath. I could tell Jack was getting frustrated with me.
“Never mind. I’ll let you do this just this once, okay? You’ve got ten minutes,” he repeated sternly.
"Okay."
“The bathroom is right there,” he said, nodding to the right. “Ten minutes, Ennis.”
I quickly walked into the bathroom. I made a point of not locking the door just in case Jack got really horny and wanted to take advantage of me. Ha, that was funny, right?
I turned the shower on full blast. While I waited for the water to warm up, I stared in the mirror. My skin looked clearer and full of color, my eyes were brighter, even my hair appeared healthier.
Once the room started to steam up, I shed my clothing and entered the shower. The hot water felt so good on my skin.
“Suave shampoo,” I said aloud, squirting some into my palm. I brought it to my head, massaging my scalp. I closed my eyes, wondering how many times Jack masturbated in there. I looked down, my penis was sticking straight out, screaming for attention again.
Pressed for time, I quickly brought the suds from my hair to my erection. I closed my eyes again, fantasizing that Jack was behind me, his hand working my dick. I immediately felt the burn arrive low in my belly, I needed this so bad. I opened my eyes to watch myself ejaculate, slapping my left hand over my mouth. I bit down on the inside of my middle finger to prevent myself from moaning as I shot my full load all over the side of the shower. I watched my come slide down the wall and then float towards my feet. Using my big toe, I guided it to the drain. A part of me wanted to leave my milky mess on the shower floor. I wanted Jack to know I jerked off, but I realized that was kind of gross, so before turning the water off, I made sure there was no evidence left behind. My mind was clearer already. I hadn’t come that hard in a really long time. It felt so good.
“You almost done, Ennis?” I heard Jack say.
“Yeah, just a sec,” I replied, quickly drying myself off. I put on the clean pair of Jack’s underwear and stared at myself in the mirror on the back of the door. My package filled out the front of his boxer briefs nicely.
Just as I was about to finish dressing, I noticed the laundry hamper next to the sink. I opened the lid, grabbed a handful of his dirty clothes, and brought them to my nose. I inhaled the blended scent of sweat, deodorant, and cologne. I fished around a little more until I found what I was really looking for. I pulled out a pair of black boxer briefs and tented them around my nostrils, the smell was intoxicating. I had to have them. Jack would never know they were missing. I realized I couldn’t put them in my pocket, it would be too obvious, so I took off my clean pair and put them on instead. I wanted his scent on my body. I tossed the clean underwear into the hamper, finished dressing, and walked out of the bathroom.
“Good, looks like those jeans fit,” Jack said, looking me up and down.
“Yeah, they’re perfect.”
*****
I had some time to kill before group session, so I decided to cut my umbilical cord from Jack to do some exploring of the facility.
The first place I checked out was the rec. room which had the biggest TV I'd ever seen in my life. There were three navy blue sofas arranged around a large coffee table. Toward the back of the room, were two shuffleboard tables and an old pinball machine.
I then stumbled upon a small library. It reminded me of the one at my elementary school. The carpet was red and faded and smelled kind of moldy. There were three computers, four rectangular tables and chairs, a big, brown couch towards the back of the room, and a wall full of old books. I used to spend a lot of time in the library before I started using. Reading and writing had always been my little escape from this so called life.
My final stop was the workout room. It was fully equipped. I must have counted at least six treadmills, ten stationary bikes, a couple stair steppers and a rowing machine. There was an entire section dedicated to free weights alone with two red punching bags that hung from the ceiling. Those would have come in handy yesterday…
*****
Group session actually wasn’t that bad. Jack and Amy were the instructors. We basically talked about the initial stages of addiction and how people come to be addicts in the first place. I liked it because it wasn’t personal, just the facts.
We broke for lunch and everyone started to pile into the café. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was a little hungry, but I hated the thought of mingling with these people.
I peeked in the café to scope out the scene and sure enough the place was packed. I began to walk away when I suddenly felt a hand on my shoulder.
“Go on, Ennis. They won’t bite, I promise,” Jack said smiling.
I must have made a funny face, or something because Jack chuckled and pushed me through the door.
“I’m not hungry, Jack,” I said, my stomach letting out the loudest growl in history.
“Tell that to your stomach, Ennis."
I looked to the floor and scuffed my feet. “I’m just gonna go upstairs." I knew I was acting like a real baby, but I couldn’t help it. I wasn't ready for all this, not yet.
****
I sat down in my bed, closed my eyes, and ran my fingers through my hair. I was starting to get really nervous about this “individual counseling” bullshit. I had so many secrets, so many horrible things that had happened in my life, so many things that I nearly killed myself trying to block out, and now these people wanted me to remember and “face” all that shit? No fucking way. I couldn’t do that. I just didn’t see how dredging up my horrible past was going to help me in any way, shape, or form.
“Did someone order two slices of pizza?” Jack asked, entering my room. I couldn’t help but smile. He was truly my light.
Jack took a seat beside me and handed me my lunch. He watched me until I took my first bite.
“It’s good, isn't it?” he asked.
I nodded with my mouthful. “Did you already eat?” I asked.
“Yeah, I had a boring turkey sandwich. I wish I could eat the way I used to be able to. Once you get to be my age, you have to watch everything you put in your mouth.”
I set my slice of pizza back onto the paper plate and looked at Jack. “How old are you?”
“Twenty seven, I’m gonna be twenty eight in a couple months.”
I immediately started doing the math to see how many years apart we were in age. Ten years wasn’t that bad, my dad was seven years older than my mom, so it wasn’t completely out of the question…right?
“If it wasn’t for this place though, I don’t think I would have lived to have seen twenty one,” he added.
“How long have you been here?” I asked.
“Well, I first checked in when I was eighteen. I stayed for a little over a year, got out, and relapsed. I was in a really dark place at that time in my life. I hit rock bottom and had nowhere to go, so I gave it another shot. I checked myself back in here when I was twenty, just a week shy of turning twenty one. I vowed to turn my life around and I did, so much so, that Dr. Lambertus asked me to stay and help run the place.”
“Do you like living here?” I asked.
“Sometimes. Honestly, Ennis, I’m afraid to leave. I really am. This place gives me structure and discipline. Now that I’m older, I could probably make it out there on my own, but I’m not ready yet.”
I swallowed a bite of my pizza and looked at my lap. “Jack, if you can’t make it on the outside then…how the hell am I going to?”
Jack sighed, rubbing his hand down the length of his right thigh. “Oh, Ennis, I’m sorry, I didn’t tell you that to scare you, that’s not it at all. Every one of us is different. I’ve seen people stay here for as little as six weeks, turn their lives around, and become very productive members of society. Please don’t take my personal experience as the gospel. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have told you that.” Jack shifted away from me.
I liked that Jack had opened up to me, it made me feel good. I moved closer to him, closing the gap between us. “Jack, you didn’t scare me, not even for a minute. I appreciate your honesty,” I reassured. I liked that I was somehow now in control of this conversation, it made me feel more mature.
“Well, the truth is, Ennis, not everyone is “fixed” the first time around. We’re only human. It’s just nice to know that there are places like this that we can turn to should we slip and fall along the way. I don’t intend to live here the rest of my life, I know what I have to do, but in the meantime, I’m here because I need to be and because I want to be.”
“I hear ya,” I said.
“Well, finish your lunch, Ennis. You’ve got to get to counseling ,” he reminded.
I groaned and suddenly felt like I was going to throw up. “How does this work, Jack? I mean, is it just one on one, or is everybody in the room, or what?”
“It’s one on one. The first few sessions are only twenty minutes long. Everyone is assigned a time slot to meet with Dr. Lambertus, you’re up first,” Jack explained.
“Why am I the first one? Is it because I’m the most screwed up?” I asked, trying to swallow the lump in the back of my throat.
“Aw, Ennis,” Jack said, rubbing my lower back. “No, it’s not because you’re the most troubled. You’re the newest and youngest addition to the facility, so Dr. Lambertus felt it was important to get started on you first, that’s all.”
I didn’t believe that, I really didn’t.
****
My stomach was one big knot as I entered the dreaded counseling room.
“Take a seat, Ennis,” Dr. Lambertus said, looking at me above his dorky glasses, motioning toward the big, red leather chair in front of his desk.
I sat down and folded my arms across my chest. I refused to look at him, but I could feel him staring at me.
“So, Ennis, how’s it been going here for you so far?”
I just shrugged my shoulders and began to pull at the stray pieces of fabric from the bottom of Jack’s sweater I was wearing.
“I know this is hard for you, it is for everyone, Ennis,” he said, folding his hands on the top of the desk.
“Have you lived here in Vermont all your life?” he asked.
I didn’t answer.
“Come on, Ennis. These are just some simple questions. Please answer me.”
I didn’t respond.
“Have you lived in Vermont all your life?” he asked again.
“Yes,” I lied.
“Do you have any brothers or sisters?”
“No.”
“Tell me about your parents, Ennis. What do they do for a living?”
I felt my heart began to pound into my throat. “Where’s Jack?” I blurted out. I had no idea where that came from.
“Jack? Jack does not participate in these individual sessions,” he explained, calmly.
“Why the fuck not?” I snapped. I couldn’t control the shit that was coming out of my mouth at that point.
“Do you feel comfortable with Jack?” he asked.
I knew that no matter what I said, this asshole was going to pick it apart and analyze the crap out of me. I fucking hated this.
“Do you, Ennis?” he asked again.
“Yes,” I spit out.
“I’m glad you’ve bonded with him, it’s real important to gain trust in people in order to help with your recovery.”
I glanced at the clock. Only five minutes had passed, it felt more like five hours.
“Ennis, these sessions are completely confidential. We can talk about anything you want, anything at all. I understand there’s a lot of pain that you’ve buried deep down inside, things that you don’t want to remember, or talk about, but I promise you, in time you will see how much discussing your past will help you.”
I clenched my jaw, crossed my legs, and began making small circles in the air with my right foot.
“Tell me about your parents, Ennis,” he pressed.
I felt rage start to pulsate through my veins. I spotted a pen on the desk. I wanted to stab it in Dr. Know-It-All’s fucking eye.
“My parents are wonderful. They’ve been married forever,” I lied though a cocky, weak smile.
He looked at me suspiciously. “Really? Well, that’s wonderful. A lot of the patients here have had terrible upbringings.”
I rolled my eyes. “Too bad for them,” I said.
“What does your mother do for work?” he asked.
Is an alcoholic whore an occupation? “She’s a teacher,” I blurted out.
“A teacher, huh? What grade?”
“Fourth,” I said anxiously, scratching the right side of my head that wasn’t even itchy.
“Interesting. What about your dad?”
Dad, now there’s a word that hadn’t come out of my mouth in over five years. “He’s…he’s a mechanic.” I could feel tears starting to surface.
“Oh, okay,” he said, his voice flat.
I closed my eyes and pictured Jack’s smile to keep myself from crying.
“What about any grandparents?” he asked, jotting something in his notes.
I never met any of my grandparents.“Um…they’re fine.”
“What were their names?” he asked. I hated the arrogance in his tone. Congratu-fucking-lations, you figured out I was lying.
“Fuck you,” I spat and stood from my chair.
“Ennis, sit down,” he said calmly.
I made a tight fist with my right hand. “Why? So you can sit here and pick me apart just to feel better about yourself?”
Dr. Lambertus removed his glasses and sat back in his chair. “Is that what you think, Ennis? You think I do this to make myself feel better?”
I wiped my nose and looked directly into his eyes. “Yes, yes I do. I don’t believe that you, or anyone else here, gives a flying fuck about me,” I choked out, holding back tears.
“Ennis, you have to learn to trust people again, I know your faith has been shattered. You know, trust is like a broken mirror, it can still be fixed.”
I placed my knuckles on his desk and leaned forward. “Yeah? Well I can still see the cracks in the fucking reflection,” I hissed, swiping the papers from his desk to the floor and stormed out of the office.
*****
The rest of the day was a complete blur. I had a couple more group sessions and a really boring health class. When dinnertime rolled around, I hid in my room again, I wasn’t hungry.
It was eight o’clock when I looked up at the clock. I was curled up on the couch alone in the library. The moon was really bright and illuminated the entire room.
“There you are,” Jack said softly, his voice startled me. “What are you doing in here all by yourself?” he asked.
The moonlight captured Jack’s face, he looked like an angel, my angel. I was literally at a loss for words. “I…I’m just...”
Jack smiled, sitting closely beside me. “Wow, look at that moon, huh?” he said, gazing out the window over his shoulder.
The sky was full of a million twinkling lights, but the only stars I saw that night were the ones in Jack’s eyes. “Yeah, it’s pretty impressive,” I said.
“I heard you had a good chat with the Doc today,” he said sarcastically, nudging his elbow into my ribs.
“I hate that guy, Jack.”
“Oh stop it, Ennis. You don’t hate him, you don’t even know him. Why’d you act like that, huh?”
“Like what? The same way you probably acted the first time you had to meet with him?”
“Touche, Ennis,” Jack said, winking. I loved the way the corner of his eye crinkled when he winked at me.
“What are you doin in here, anyway?” Jack asked again.
“Nothin…just writing.”
“Writing, huh? Writing as in a journal? Or stories?” he asked.
He seemed genuinely interested, so I answered him honestly, “Well, I write poems mostly.”
“Poems? I love poems, read one to me,” he asked.
I immediately tensed up. Writing was something that I did privately and was never to be shared with anyone else. My thoughts were personal, depressing, and downright scary at times. No way was I going to scare Jack off now.
“No, Jack. It’s nothing, really. I don’t feel comfortable sharing this crap with you.” I hated saying that to Jack, but it was for his own good.
Our eyes connected just as Jack began to speak. “Please, Ennis? It would mean a lot to me,” he pleaded.
The only thing I remembered Dr. Lambertus saying earlier was that it was important to learn how to trust in order to start the recovery process. I really hoped to hell he knew what he was talking about…
I gripped the notebook, both my hands were shaking. I shifted a little, so the moonlight was shining just right on my paper and I began to read…
In a sea of salt waters
As insobriety washes away
My secrets are exposed
As my soul begins to scream
Hurt keeps rolling in not knowing what is in store
Bandaging the broken pieces
That slowly washes upon shore
The water no longer blue
But instead a sea of red
To remember would be too much
To surrender leaves me no possibilities
Because the water is my life that is slowly drowning me...
I returned the notebook to my lap.“That’s it for now…I know it’s stupid…I just…”
“Ennis...” Jack lifted my chin, “That was beautiful, really beautiful.”
As I looked into his eyes, I saw something that I hadn’t noticed before, Jack was lonely, he was really lonely, just like me.
I felt my cheeks flush, I was kind of at a loss for words, I had never shared anything like that with anyone before, but with Jack…I only hesitated for a minute. “Thanks, Jack,” I said just above a whisper.
“I wish I could write stuff like that, I can barely form two sentences half the time,” Jack smiled.
I quietly laughed and looked back into his eyes. I so badly wanted to touch his face, just his face. I don’t know why. I waited until he looked away before I brought my palm to his cheek.
“Ennis,” he whispered, placing his hand on top of mine, removing it from his face. He didn’t let my hand go though as he brought it to couch. “Sometimes, when we’re lonely for so long, we tend to attach ourselves to the first person that comes along willing to pay us a little attention. I think your feelings towards me are a result of that. Do you know what I’m saying?”
I heard him, but it didn’t register. I knew what I felt in my heart toward Jack, it scared the shit out of me. Maybe a part of what he said was true, but not all of it, that I was sure of.
“You need to start interacting with the other people here, Ennis. A part of this sober living thing is to learn how to coexist with other’s. Hell, if you can survive living here with a bunch of recovering addicts, your chances of making it on the outside are that much greater.”
I nodded and looked at his hand resting on top of mine. “I know.”
“Tell you what, tomorrow morning after you see Shelly, I want you to meet me in the café. We’ll have breakfast, talk to a few people, then I’ll take you to the gym for a little workout before group session. Physical activity does wonders for the mind, body, and soul. What do you say?”
I needed to trust that Jack knew what was best for me. “Yeah, Jack. I’ll do it.”
Tbc
Rating: R
Genre: au!au
Disclaimer: Ennis and Jack belong to Annie Proulx. No disrespect intended.
Summary: Under cut
*This is a story told from Ennis's POV. He's an eighteen year old drug addict that winds up in a sober living facility. Jack is the residential counselor/adviser. As Jack helps Ennis with his sobriety, Ennis replaces his old addiction for a new one-Jack. Jack, a recovering addict himself, finds himself spiraling back into addiction, except this time his drug of choice is Ennis. Their love for one another becomes possessive, twisted, but pure and forgiving. Can they find a normal balance? What is "normal" anyway...
*Note* I know this subject matter may be difficult for sensitive readers, (which is why I put the summary under cut) but I assure you I love Ennis and Jack, and I do not get carried away with drug use and there is certainly no death in this story. I do like happy endings...even if it's a little twisted.
Link to chapter 1:lavender-snow.livejournal.com/458.html#c utid1
Link to chapter 2:lavender-snow.livejournal.com/674.html#c utid1
Link to chapter 3:lavender-snow.livejournal.com/1580.html#cutid1
Chapter 4
I awoke the next morning in a complete daze. For a second, I totally forgot where I was. The last thing I remembered after my “little” meltdown was eating a sandwich that Jack brought to my room then Shelly checking on me. I remember she’d given me a couple pills to calm my nerves and that’s when I must have passed out.
Once I snapped back to reality, I looked around the room and saw three sleeping strangers, they were obviously my new roommates. One guy looked like he was Jack's age, maybe a little younger. The other two men had to be in their mid to late thirties. I couldn't believe I'd be living with these people for the next few weeks...it kind of creeped me out.
I stayed in bed a little longer just staring at the ceiling. My penis was asking for attention, but I wasn't about to rub one out in a roomful of strange people.
My mind started racing, wondering what the hell the day had in store for me. I reached under my bed and pulled out the schedule that was given to me yesterday. I knew my first stop was Shelly's and then it looked like I had group session at nine. My anxiety started to kick in as I read, 11:00am-Individual Counseling.
I slowly got out of bed, careful not to make any noise. I went into the bathroom to take a piss and suddenly realized I was wearing a pair of gray sweatpants and a black sweatshirt that obviously did not belong to me. I couldn’t believe I was that out of it last night. Someone had to have dressed me. I hoped it was Jack. I wanted him to see me naked as much as humanly possible. I wanted it to be me, and my body, that crossed his mind when he was lying in bed at night, jerkin himself off so hard it hurt.
I really don't know why I insisted on torturing myself with fantasies like that. It’s not like I had a chance in hell with Jack. Aside from the fact that I was a seventeen year old, drug addict, crybaby, virgin, I’m sure he had some drop dead gorgeous boyfriend held up in his apartment that he fucked morning, noon, and night. I wanted that. I wanted a sex life just like that, but even more so, I wanted a companion, someone to talk to, someone to laugh at my jokes, someone to tell all my secrets to, someone willing to accept me for me, flaws and all.
*******
I got my ass downstairs to see Shelly at seven o’clock sharp. “Lift up your tongue” was now added to the routine after swallowing my pills.
My next stop was the café. I quickly grabbed two sesame bagels and a tall glass of orange juice. I really wanted some bacon and eggs, but that would have meant standing in line with everyone, running the risk of having to make small talk.
The doors of the café were opened to a large courtyard. I really wanted some fresh air. There were picnic tables all over the place, but the weather was nice and I felt like sitting on the grass. I plopped myself down in front of an old birch tree. The morning sun felt so good on my face. I hadn’t been up that early in a long time.
I finished my breakfast, walked back inside, and spotted Jack chatting away with an older woman. He was wearing a pair of baggy jeans and a hooded blue sweatshirt, his hair sticking up in all directions. Seeing Jack first thing in morning made me smile for some reason.
I wanted to ask him what the hell happened to me last night and how I ended up in these clothes, but didn’t want to interrupt his conversation, so I took seat and patiently waited.
Jack refilled his cup of coffee and started to walk in my direction. I actually got a small case of the butterflies. “Hey, how are you feelin today?” he asked, sitting down across from me.
“Alright, I guess. Jack, what happened to me last night? Where did these clothes come from?” I asked, pulling on the neck of the sweatshirt. “I remember having something to eat and then Shelly giving me some kind of medication, but that’s about it.”
Jack placed his hands around his warm coffee cup. “You were having a real tough time yesterday, Ennis. Shelly gave you some Ativan to help you sleep,” he explained.
“Oh. Well, whatever it was really worked. I don’t even remember getting into these clothes.”
The corners of Jack’s mouth lifted. “Yeah, you were pretty tired. Sorry about the outfit, it’s all I had that was clean.”
I couldn’t help but grin. “These are yours?” I asked, glancing at the sweatshirt.
“Yeah,” he replied. “Which reminds me, I got a message from your mom. She said she won’t be able to drop off any of your clothing until tomorrow night. So when we’re done here, I’ll take you to my apartment. I’m sure we can find something for you to wear in the meantime.”
I tried to contain my excitement the best I could. “Oh, okay."
****
Jack led me down to the end of the same hall where Shelly’s office was located.
“Come on in,” he said, opening the door.
The apartment was just as I imagined it would be. There was an old, maroon sofa tucked on the left side of the living room beneath a large window. The carpet was beige with curtains to match. Books, clothing, and DVD’s were scattered all over the floor. There was clutter everywhere, but for some reason it felt really cozy to me.
“Sorry about the mess,” he apologized.
As I followed him through the kitchen, I noticed only one coffee cup on the counter and the sink appeared to have only one set of dirty dishes. I know it wasn’t much “proof”, but it seemed to me that he was living there alone. I breathed a sigh of relief.
“Follow me,” he said.
When we entered the bedroom, his scent immediately smacked me in the face. I stared at his bed. The comforter and sheets were strewn all over the place. I couldn't look away. I began fantasizing that Jack had me on all fours, locked in a possessive mount, his cock thrusting in and out of my tight,virgin ass. I could almost hear the sounds of our flesh smacking together as he drove me to dizzying heights.
“Hmm,” Jack said, scratching the top of his head. “We’re about the same size. How about these jeans and this top?” he suggested.
“Huh?” I had to get it together, but my penis hurt so bad I could barely think straight. I stuck my hand in my right pocket and grabbed my dick from the inside of my sweat pants. I discretely maneuvered it in an upright position so it wouldn't be seen.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
I folded my hands over my crotch and swallowed real hard. “Yeah…sorry. I’m still a little out of it from that sedative Shelly gave me,” I lied.
“Oh. Don’t worry, nothing a couple cups of coffee can’t fix,” Jack said, handing me his clothing.
I stared at the pair of blue jeans and brown sweater in my hand. “These are fine, Jack. Thank you.”
“Do you want to try them on first?” he asked.
“No, they’re fine,” I mumbled. It then dawned on me that I didn’t have any clean underwear. It was one thing to lend someone a pair of pants and a shirt, but underwear? I really needed some though. The pair I was wearing had enough precome in them to impregnate a horse.
“Um…Jack? I know this is gonna sound weird, but…what should I do about the underwear situation?”
Jack chuckled. “I didn’t even think about that. Well, I don’t have anything brand-new, but I have a couple clean pairs you can have…if you want.”
“That’s fine.” I sounded waaay too excited, so I switched gears, “Actually…never mind, I’ll just go commando...I guess.”
Jack cocked his head to the side, staring directly into my eyes. “Ennis, do you want a pair, yes or no? They’re clean.”
To be honest, I really wanted a pair of his dirty underwear. “Yeah, what the hell,” I replied, trying to play it cool.
Jack smiled and began rummaging through his top drawer. I stood on my tiptoes behind his back to get a peek inside. My heart began to race as I spotted a small tube of KY jelly. I wasn’t sure how much more of this my penis and I could take…
“Here,” he said, handing me a pair of white boxer briefs. “Take these too.” He placed a pair of socks on top of the pile of clothing in my hand.
“Thanks, Jack. I’ll try not to ruin them.”
“Don’t worry about it,” he reassured.
I scratched the top of my head and got a whiff of my underarm odor, I really needed a shower. “Hey, Jack? Can I…would it be alright if I took a quick shower here? There’s only one bathroom upstairs…I’m sure my roommates are all hogging it by now. Please?” I could tell by the look on Jack’s face this was probably a big no-no.
“Ennis…,” he sighed.
“Jack, I swear, it will only take ten minutes-tops."
Jack sighed again, dragging his hand down his face. “Fine, you’ve got ten minutes, Ennis. I really shouldn’t be allowing you to do this you know.”
He didn’t seem thrilled, that’s for sure, but I honestly didn’t see what the big deal was. “Jack, it’s only a shower, why is it against the rules?”
“Because, Ennis. You’re one of my patients and being in my apartment, using my shower is…well, kind of intimate, do you understand?”
“No,” I replied. I really didn’t, but I liked hearing my name and the word 'intimate' in the same breath. I could tell Jack was getting frustrated with me.
“Never mind. I’ll let you do this just this once, okay? You’ve got ten minutes,” he repeated sternly.
"Okay."
“The bathroom is right there,” he said, nodding to the right. “Ten minutes, Ennis.”
I quickly walked into the bathroom. I made a point of not locking the door just in case Jack got really horny and wanted to take advantage of me. Ha, that was funny, right?
I turned the shower on full blast. While I waited for the water to warm up, I stared in the mirror. My skin looked clearer and full of color, my eyes were brighter, even my hair appeared healthier.
Once the room started to steam up, I shed my clothing and entered the shower. The hot water felt so good on my skin.
“Suave shampoo,” I said aloud, squirting some into my palm. I brought it to my head, massaging my scalp. I closed my eyes, wondering how many times Jack masturbated in there. I looked down, my penis was sticking straight out, screaming for attention again.
Pressed for time, I quickly brought the suds from my hair to my erection. I closed my eyes again, fantasizing that Jack was behind me, his hand working my dick. I immediately felt the burn arrive low in my belly, I needed this so bad. I opened my eyes to watch myself ejaculate, slapping my left hand over my mouth. I bit down on the inside of my middle finger to prevent myself from moaning as I shot my full load all over the side of the shower. I watched my come slide down the wall and then float towards my feet. Using my big toe, I guided it to the drain. A part of me wanted to leave my milky mess on the shower floor. I wanted Jack to know I jerked off, but I realized that was kind of gross, so before turning the water off, I made sure there was no evidence left behind. My mind was clearer already. I hadn’t come that hard in a really long time. It felt so good.
“You almost done, Ennis?” I heard Jack say.
“Yeah, just a sec,” I replied, quickly drying myself off. I put on the clean pair of Jack’s underwear and stared at myself in the mirror on the back of the door. My package filled out the front of his boxer briefs nicely.
Just as I was about to finish dressing, I noticed the laundry hamper next to the sink. I opened the lid, grabbed a handful of his dirty clothes, and brought them to my nose. I inhaled the blended scent of sweat, deodorant, and cologne. I fished around a little more until I found what I was really looking for. I pulled out a pair of black boxer briefs and tented them around my nostrils, the smell was intoxicating. I had to have them. Jack would never know they were missing. I realized I couldn’t put them in my pocket, it would be too obvious, so I took off my clean pair and put them on instead. I wanted his scent on my body. I tossed the clean underwear into the hamper, finished dressing, and walked out of the bathroom.
“Good, looks like those jeans fit,” Jack said, looking me up and down.
“Yeah, they’re perfect.”
*****
I had some time to kill before group session, so I decided to cut my umbilical cord from Jack to do some exploring of the facility.
The first place I checked out was the rec. room which had the biggest TV I'd ever seen in my life. There were three navy blue sofas arranged around a large coffee table. Toward the back of the room, were two shuffleboard tables and an old pinball machine.
I then stumbled upon a small library. It reminded me of the one at my elementary school. The carpet was red and faded and smelled kind of moldy. There were three computers, four rectangular tables and chairs, a big, brown couch towards the back of the room, and a wall full of old books. I used to spend a lot of time in the library before I started using. Reading and writing had always been my little escape from this so called life.
My final stop was the workout room. It was fully equipped. I must have counted at least six treadmills, ten stationary bikes, a couple stair steppers and a rowing machine. There was an entire section dedicated to free weights alone with two red punching bags that hung from the ceiling. Those would have come in handy yesterday…
*****
Group session actually wasn’t that bad. Jack and Amy were the instructors. We basically talked about the initial stages of addiction and how people come to be addicts in the first place. I liked it because it wasn’t personal, just the facts.
We broke for lunch and everyone started to pile into the café. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was a little hungry, but I hated the thought of mingling with these people.
I peeked in the café to scope out the scene and sure enough the place was packed. I began to walk away when I suddenly felt a hand on my shoulder.
“Go on, Ennis. They won’t bite, I promise,” Jack said smiling.
I must have made a funny face, or something because Jack chuckled and pushed me through the door.
“I’m not hungry, Jack,” I said, my stomach letting out the loudest growl in history.
“Tell that to your stomach, Ennis."
I looked to the floor and scuffed my feet. “I’m just gonna go upstairs." I knew I was acting like a real baby, but I couldn’t help it. I wasn't ready for all this, not yet.
****
I sat down in my bed, closed my eyes, and ran my fingers through my hair. I was starting to get really nervous about this “individual counseling” bullshit. I had so many secrets, so many horrible things that had happened in my life, so many things that I nearly killed myself trying to block out, and now these people wanted me to remember and “face” all that shit? No fucking way. I couldn’t do that. I just didn’t see how dredging up my horrible past was going to help me in any way, shape, or form.
“Did someone order two slices of pizza?” Jack asked, entering my room. I couldn’t help but smile. He was truly my light.
Jack took a seat beside me and handed me my lunch. He watched me until I took my first bite.
“It’s good, isn't it?” he asked.
I nodded with my mouthful. “Did you already eat?” I asked.
“Yeah, I had a boring turkey sandwich. I wish I could eat the way I used to be able to. Once you get to be my age, you have to watch everything you put in your mouth.”
I set my slice of pizza back onto the paper plate and looked at Jack. “How old are you?”
“Twenty seven, I’m gonna be twenty eight in a couple months.”
I immediately started doing the math to see how many years apart we were in age. Ten years wasn’t that bad, my dad was seven years older than my mom, so it wasn’t completely out of the question…right?
“If it wasn’t for this place though, I don’t think I would have lived to have seen twenty one,” he added.
“How long have you been here?” I asked.
“Well, I first checked in when I was eighteen. I stayed for a little over a year, got out, and relapsed. I was in a really dark place at that time in my life. I hit rock bottom and had nowhere to go, so I gave it another shot. I checked myself back in here when I was twenty, just a week shy of turning twenty one. I vowed to turn my life around and I did, so much so, that Dr. Lambertus asked me to stay and help run the place.”
“Do you like living here?” I asked.
“Sometimes. Honestly, Ennis, I’m afraid to leave. I really am. This place gives me structure and discipline. Now that I’m older, I could probably make it out there on my own, but I’m not ready yet.”
I swallowed a bite of my pizza and looked at my lap. “Jack, if you can’t make it on the outside then…how the hell am I going to?”
Jack sighed, rubbing his hand down the length of his right thigh. “Oh, Ennis, I’m sorry, I didn’t tell you that to scare you, that’s not it at all. Every one of us is different. I’ve seen people stay here for as little as six weeks, turn their lives around, and become very productive members of society. Please don’t take my personal experience as the gospel. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have told you that.” Jack shifted away from me.
I liked that Jack had opened up to me, it made me feel good. I moved closer to him, closing the gap between us. “Jack, you didn’t scare me, not even for a minute. I appreciate your honesty,” I reassured. I liked that I was somehow now in control of this conversation, it made me feel more mature.
“Well, the truth is, Ennis, not everyone is “fixed” the first time around. We’re only human. It’s just nice to know that there are places like this that we can turn to should we slip and fall along the way. I don’t intend to live here the rest of my life, I know what I have to do, but in the meantime, I’m here because I need to be and because I want to be.”
“I hear ya,” I said.
“Well, finish your lunch, Ennis. You’ve got to get to counseling ,” he reminded.
I groaned and suddenly felt like I was going to throw up. “How does this work, Jack? I mean, is it just one on one, or is everybody in the room, or what?”
“It’s one on one. The first few sessions are only twenty minutes long. Everyone is assigned a time slot to meet with Dr. Lambertus, you’re up first,” Jack explained.
“Why am I the first one? Is it because I’m the most screwed up?” I asked, trying to swallow the lump in the back of my throat.
“Aw, Ennis,” Jack said, rubbing my lower back. “No, it’s not because you’re the most troubled. You’re the newest and youngest addition to the facility, so Dr. Lambertus felt it was important to get started on you first, that’s all.”
I didn’t believe that, I really didn’t.
****
My stomach was one big knot as I entered the dreaded counseling room.
“Take a seat, Ennis,” Dr. Lambertus said, looking at me above his dorky glasses, motioning toward the big, red leather chair in front of his desk.
I sat down and folded my arms across my chest. I refused to look at him, but I could feel him staring at me.
“So, Ennis, how’s it been going here for you so far?”
I just shrugged my shoulders and began to pull at the stray pieces of fabric from the bottom of Jack’s sweater I was wearing.
“I know this is hard for you, it is for everyone, Ennis,” he said, folding his hands on the top of the desk.
“Have you lived here in Vermont all your life?” he asked.
I didn’t answer.
“Come on, Ennis. These are just some simple questions. Please answer me.”
I didn’t respond.
“Have you lived in Vermont all your life?” he asked again.
“Yes,” I lied.
“Do you have any brothers or sisters?”
“No.”
“Tell me about your parents, Ennis. What do they do for a living?”
I felt my heart began to pound into my throat. “Where’s Jack?” I blurted out. I had no idea where that came from.
“Jack? Jack does not participate in these individual sessions,” he explained, calmly.
“Why the fuck not?” I snapped. I couldn’t control the shit that was coming out of my mouth at that point.
“Do you feel comfortable with Jack?” he asked.
I knew that no matter what I said, this asshole was going to pick it apart and analyze the crap out of me. I fucking hated this.
“Do you, Ennis?” he asked again.
“Yes,” I spit out.
“I’m glad you’ve bonded with him, it’s real important to gain trust in people in order to help with your recovery.”
I glanced at the clock. Only five minutes had passed, it felt more like five hours.
“Ennis, these sessions are completely confidential. We can talk about anything you want, anything at all. I understand there’s a lot of pain that you’ve buried deep down inside, things that you don’t want to remember, or talk about, but I promise you, in time you will see how much discussing your past will help you.”
I clenched my jaw, crossed my legs, and began making small circles in the air with my right foot.
“Tell me about your parents, Ennis,” he pressed.
I felt rage start to pulsate through my veins. I spotted a pen on the desk. I wanted to stab it in Dr. Know-It-All’s fucking eye.
“My parents are wonderful. They’ve been married forever,” I lied though a cocky, weak smile.
He looked at me suspiciously. “Really? Well, that’s wonderful. A lot of the patients here have had terrible upbringings.”
I rolled my eyes. “Too bad for them,” I said.
“What does your mother do for work?” he asked.
Is an alcoholic whore an occupation? “She’s a teacher,” I blurted out.
“A teacher, huh? What grade?”
“Fourth,” I said anxiously, scratching the right side of my head that wasn’t even itchy.
“Interesting. What about your dad?”
Dad, now there’s a word that hadn’t come out of my mouth in over five years. “He’s…he’s a mechanic.” I could feel tears starting to surface.
“Oh, okay,” he said, his voice flat.
I closed my eyes and pictured Jack’s smile to keep myself from crying.
“What about any grandparents?” he asked, jotting something in his notes.
I never met any of my grandparents.“Um…they’re fine.”
“What were their names?” he asked. I hated the arrogance in his tone. Congratu-fucking-lations, you figured out I was lying.
“Fuck you,” I spat and stood from my chair.
“Ennis, sit down,” he said calmly.
I made a tight fist with my right hand. “Why? So you can sit here and pick me apart just to feel better about yourself?”
Dr. Lambertus removed his glasses and sat back in his chair. “Is that what you think, Ennis? You think I do this to make myself feel better?”
I wiped my nose and looked directly into his eyes. “Yes, yes I do. I don’t believe that you, or anyone else here, gives a flying fuck about me,” I choked out, holding back tears.
“Ennis, you have to learn to trust people again, I know your faith has been shattered. You know, trust is like a broken mirror, it can still be fixed.”
I placed my knuckles on his desk and leaned forward. “Yeah? Well I can still see the cracks in the fucking reflection,” I hissed, swiping the papers from his desk to the floor and stormed out of the office.
*****
The rest of the day was a complete blur. I had a couple more group sessions and a really boring health class. When dinnertime rolled around, I hid in my room again, I wasn’t hungry.
It was eight o’clock when I looked up at the clock. I was curled up on the couch alone in the library. The moon was really bright and illuminated the entire room.
“There you are,” Jack said softly, his voice startled me. “What are you doing in here all by yourself?” he asked.
The moonlight captured Jack’s face, he looked like an angel, my angel. I was literally at a loss for words. “I…I’m just...”
Jack smiled, sitting closely beside me. “Wow, look at that moon, huh?” he said, gazing out the window over his shoulder.
The sky was full of a million twinkling lights, but the only stars I saw that night were the ones in Jack’s eyes. “Yeah, it’s pretty impressive,” I said.
“I heard you had a good chat with the Doc today,” he said sarcastically, nudging his elbow into my ribs.
“I hate that guy, Jack.”
“Oh stop it, Ennis. You don’t hate him, you don’t even know him. Why’d you act like that, huh?”
“Like what? The same way you probably acted the first time you had to meet with him?”
“Touche, Ennis,” Jack said, winking. I loved the way the corner of his eye crinkled when he winked at me.
“What are you doin in here, anyway?” Jack asked again.
“Nothin…just writing.”
“Writing, huh? Writing as in a journal? Or stories?” he asked.
He seemed genuinely interested, so I answered him honestly, “Well, I write poems mostly.”
“Poems? I love poems, read one to me,” he asked.
I immediately tensed up. Writing was something that I did privately and was never to be shared with anyone else. My thoughts were personal, depressing, and downright scary at times. No way was I going to scare Jack off now.
“No, Jack. It’s nothing, really. I don’t feel comfortable sharing this crap with you.” I hated saying that to Jack, but it was for his own good.
Our eyes connected just as Jack began to speak. “Please, Ennis? It would mean a lot to me,” he pleaded.
The only thing I remembered Dr. Lambertus saying earlier was that it was important to learn how to trust in order to start the recovery process. I really hoped to hell he knew what he was talking about…
I gripped the notebook, both my hands were shaking. I shifted a little, so the moonlight was shining just right on my paper and I began to read…
In a sea of salt waters
As insobriety washes away
My secrets are exposed
As my soul begins to scream
Hurt keeps rolling in not knowing what is in store
Bandaging the broken pieces
That slowly washes upon shore
The water no longer blue
But instead a sea of red
To remember would be too much
To surrender leaves me no possibilities
Because the water is my life that is slowly drowning me...
I returned the notebook to my lap.“That’s it for now…I know it’s stupid…I just…”
“Ennis...” Jack lifted my chin, “That was beautiful, really beautiful.”
As I looked into his eyes, I saw something that I hadn’t noticed before, Jack was lonely, he was really lonely, just like me.
I felt my cheeks flush, I was kind of at a loss for words, I had never shared anything like that with anyone before, but with Jack…I only hesitated for a minute. “Thanks, Jack,” I said just above a whisper.
“I wish I could write stuff like that, I can barely form two sentences half the time,” Jack smiled.
I quietly laughed and looked back into his eyes. I so badly wanted to touch his face, just his face. I don’t know why. I waited until he looked away before I brought my palm to his cheek.
“Ennis,” he whispered, placing his hand on top of mine, removing it from his face. He didn’t let my hand go though as he brought it to couch. “Sometimes, when we’re lonely for so long, we tend to attach ourselves to the first person that comes along willing to pay us a little attention. I think your feelings towards me are a result of that. Do you know what I’m saying?”
I heard him, but it didn’t register. I knew what I felt in my heart toward Jack, it scared the shit out of me. Maybe a part of what he said was true, but not all of it, that I was sure of.
“You need to start interacting with the other people here, Ennis. A part of this sober living thing is to learn how to coexist with other’s. Hell, if you can survive living here with a bunch of recovering addicts, your chances of making it on the outside are that much greater.”
I nodded and looked at his hand resting on top of mine. “I know.”
“Tell you what, tomorrow morning after you see Shelly, I want you to meet me in the café. We’ll have breakfast, talk to a few people, then I’ll take you to the gym for a little workout before group session. Physical activity does wonders for the mind, body, and soul. What do you say?”
I needed to trust that Jack knew what was best for me. “Yeah, Jack. I’ll do it.”
Tbc