Twisted Hearts
Title: Twisted Hearts
Rating: R
Genre: au!au
Disclaimer: Ennis and Jack belong to Annie Proulx. No disrespect intended.
Summary: Under cut
*This is a story told from Ennis's POV. He's an eighteen year old drug addict that winds up in a sober living facility. Jack is the residential counselor/adviser. As Jack helps Ennis with his sobriety, Ennis replaces his old addiction for a new one-Jack. Jack, a recovering addict himself, finds himself spiraling back into addiction, except this time his drug of choice is Ennis. Their love for one another becomes possessive, twisted, but pure and forgiving. Can they find a normal balance? What is "normal" anyway...
Links to previous chapters can be found here: lavender-snow.livejournal.com/
Chapter 16
After having a quick lunch with Jack, we went our separate ways. He had a few work related things he needed to take care of, and I understood crystal clear that his stay here was not to visit me. I was just relieved that we were under the same roof again. I knew it was only for a few days, but hey, I was going to take whatever I could get, and run with it.
*************
I spent the rest of the afternoon doing laundry and reading. When dinner time rolled around, I ventured toward the cafe, hoping to find Jack there. I stood in the doorway, scanning the room for a solid minute. I looked all over the place, but I didn't see Jack anywhere, so I put my hunger pangs on the back-burner and started to walk back to my room.
"Ennis?" I heard Jack say, just as I was about to walk up the flight of stairs to my bedroom.
I quickly turned around and smiled, "Hey."
"What are you doin? Aren't you going to eat?" Jack approached me and placed a gentle hand on my cheek. I nuzzled my face into the warmth of his palm and smiled again. It amazed me how Jack had the ability to turn me, an eighteen year-old guy, into such a pile of heaping goo from just one smile, just one touch, just one look in his eyes.
"I was looking for you. You weren't around, so..." I paused as my stomach let out a loud, rumbling growl.
"Come on, you." Jack wrapped his arm around my shoulder and led the way back to the cafe.
I was so damn hungry, I think I may have literally inhaled my bowl of spaghetti and meatballs. It had been such a long time since I had an actual appetite.
"Jack?" I said, wiping the spaghetti sauce from my mouth. "Are you sure it's okay that...that we're hanging out like this? I know you said it was, but...it's just that, the last time you, Doc, and I were together, he was so livid at the both of us, I-"
"I know," Jack interrupted. "He was pissed, and to some extent, he still is, but he's a very forgiving man, Ennis...very forgiving."
"I'll say. I never thought I'd see you again. At least not for a while, anyway."
"Yeah, well, like I said, Doc and I had a really long talk. Things are okay, now. They are."
I nodded and took a sip of my soda. "You remind him a lot of his son, the one that passed away, huh? That's why he's got such a soft spot for you."
Jack shrugged his shoulders. "Yeah, I do." Jack took a much needed breath. "All of us live with some form of regret, Ennis. I think Doc wishes he could have done more for his son, maybe not have turned a blind-eye to certain things, maybe been a little more understanding, maybe a little more...accepting."
"Doc's the most understanding person I know, Jack. I can't imagine that he and his wife didn't do everything in their power to help their troubled kid."
From the look on Jack's face, I could tell there was a little more to this story than he was willing to share with me, and I respected that. So for once, I kept my big mouth shut.
******************
After dinner, most of the guests began to thin out and say their goodbyes. To be honest, I was relieved to see them all go.
Ever since I can remember, I have suffered from social anxiety, especially when subjected to large crowds of people. My chest would often get real tight and heavy, making it nearly impossible to breathe. Instead of getting any easier with age, it actually seemed to be getting worse.
I knew it was Sunday and the entire staff was tied up with meetings, and whatnot, but Dr. Lambertus did tell me that anytime I felt like talking, anytime at all, to go to him. I decided to take him up on that offer.
I walked down the long, narrow hallway to the conference room where I thought he'd be, but when I peeked inside, all I saw was the counselors, chatting away, staring at the big projection screen in the front of the room. Jack was there and met my eyes. He looked so good, dressed in his khaki pants and crisp white, collared shirt.
"Excuse me," Jack said to the person sitting beside him, rising from his chair. He met me in the hallway. "Hey, Ennis. What's up? I'm kind of busy here."
"I know. I was actually looking for Doc." Jack smelled incredible, but I immediately told my hormones to take a hike. The last thing I needed was to walk in Doc's office with a raging hard-on. "I figured he'd be here," I added.
"He's in his office. Is everything okay?"
"Yeah. I just wanted to talk to him about somethin."
"Oh, okay. Well, I gotta get back to work."
"Alright, Jack." I said, and began to walk away.
"Hey, Ennis."
I stopped and looked over my shoulder.
"I'll catch up with you later tonight, okay?" Jack said, with a wink.
I smiled. "Okay, Jack."
*************
I entered Doc's office to find him at his desk, sifting through a stack of papers.
"Uh, Doc? Is it a bad time?"
Doc lifted his eyes to mine. "No, no, Ennis. Come on in. Sit down," he said, gesturing to the chair in front of his desk.
I hesitantly took a seat and then stared at my lap. I kind of felt bad for bothering him with my bullshit on his "day off."
"What's up?" he asked.
"Uh, well, you said anytime I felt like talking, I could come and see you, so...but if it's a bad time, I'll-"
"No, no, Ennis. I meant what I said, anytime you wanted to talk. That's why I'm here. What's on your mind?"
For a minute, I completely forgot why the hell I was there and felt my stomach start to tighten. "Uh..."
Doc leaned back in his chair and smiled at me. He and Jack always seemed to know how to chill me the hell out without saying a single word.
"I wanted...I wanted to talk to you about the anxiety I've been experiencing."
"Is this something new?"
I couldn't help but laugh. "No. It's something that I've been dealing with for...ever, I guess you could say."
"What kind of anxiety?"
"Mm, I guess...social anxiety? I'm not sure."
"Tell me about it."
I exhaled a long breath, causing my lips to flutter. "Ever since I can remember, I've always been real nervous talking to people. It's even worse when I'm surrounded by a lot of people. Even people I know, I still tend to get real...I don't know, anxious and nervous and fidgety. Problem is, I think it's getting worse."
"Go on," Doc said. He always seemed to know when I had more to say.
"Most days, I can barely manage going into the cafe to eat because I'm so damn wracked with nerves. Not that I've had much of an appetite lately, but still..."
"I've noticed. I've also noticed that you don't interact with the other patients, unless absolutely necessary," Doc added.
I nodded in agreement.
"Ennis, I want you to close your eyes."
I tilted my head back and allowed my eyelids to slowly shut.
"I want you to think back to a time when you first remember experiencing this type of anxiety."
"What does it matter when?" I asked with my eyes still tightly closed.
"It's important to get to the root of your issues. I know it's unpleasant at times, and may not make much sense, but just trust me on this, okay?"
I nodded again.
"Now, breathe in deep through your nose and breathe out slowly through your mouth."
I inhaled deeply and held it for a moment before slowly exhaling my breath passed my chapped lips.
"Good. Do it again. Relax your mind, relax your body."
I did as I was told and felt all my extremities go limp to the sound of his voice.
"Again," he instructed.
As I exhaled for the third time, I was suddenly seven years old again, walking by my mother's side in the Buckland Hill's Mall. I swear I could smell the scent of new clothes and salty french fries from the McDonald's restaurant next to Sears.
I remember her running into an old friend by the big water fountain where everyone tossed their pennies, making wishes that would probably never come true...mine never did anyway.
I asked my mom for a penny and she snapped at me for interrupting her conversation. I asked again. Wanting me out of her hair, she finally flung two shiny pennies in my direction from the bottom of her over-sized, black pocketbook.
I quickly ran over to the fountain. The first wish I made was to get a Nintendo for Christmas that year. Everyone had one, and I felt so left out when all the kids in school would talk about all how cool the graphics were and how they'd swap games on the weekend.
The second wish I made was to be able to fly. When ever my parents would fight, or I'd get the brunt of my mother's drunken wrath, I'd go to my room and just stare out the window and watch all the birds flutter from one tree branch to another and eventually fly far, far away from everything. I wanted to be able to do that.
After I made my wishes, I turned around and my mother was gone. I anxiously looked at all the faces as they passed me in a hurry, but none was that of my mother. I called out for her, but she never came. I started to cry, and I remembered how I struggled to catch my breath. When a stranger approached me and asked if I was lost, I screamed at the top of my lungs. I was completely panic stricken.
My screams caught the attention of the mall security guard, who then took me to his office, where I waited for two hours until my mother was finally located at the opposite end of the mall.
When she walked into the office and saw me, she put on such a show, smothering me with kisses, saying how "worried" she was. She explained to the security guard that I had wandered off and that she had been looking all over for me. From the smell of her breath, I knew the only thing she was looking for was a buzz at the nearest bar.
"I was seven. I was in a mall. My mother left me there to get drunk," I said, swallowing my tears.
"How did you feel?"
I snapped my eyes open. "How the hell do you think I felt?! I was scared shitless."
"Understandably so."
"Yeah, well, now what? What good does remembering this shit have to do with anything?"
"Ennis, you have to learn to trust me. Trust that I have some sort of clue as to what I'm doing, okay?"
I wanted to punch his desk, as I had so many times before, but I realized that never got me anywhere, and he was right-I had to learn how to trust people, even if just a little.
"It's important for me to know where it all started, Ennis. I know it hurts, I know it's not easy, but sometimes, in order to move forward, you've got to take a few steps back. Do you understand?"
I really didn't, but he was the professional, so I agreed.
"Tell you what, let's focus on this over the next few sessions, alright? I'm going to help you and give you some tools to work on your anxiety issues. In the meantime, I'm going to increase your medication."
Oh great, more pills. That seemed to be all doctors' answers these days.
Dr. Lambertus chuckled. "I know what you're thinking, but again, just trust me. If you experience any unwanted side-effects, let me know."
I lowered my head. "Okay."
"I'm really glad you came and talked to me today, Ennis. It's actually quite a big step for you."
"I...I just knew that if I didn't get it off my chest right this instant, I probably never would."
"Like I said, Ennis, anytime. Is there anything else you feel like discussing since you're here?"
I wasn't sure if it was appropriate to be opening this can of worms, but I figured I didn't have anything to lose. "Doc? How...how come you're being so cool about...ya know, Jack and I, and all the crap we've put you through? Not that I'm complaining, but I just figured, any other person in your position would have fired Jack and kicked my ass to the curb."
Doc removed his glasses and dragged his hand down his tired face. "I believe in second chances. I really do."
I could tell there was more. "Go on."
Dr. Lambertus smiled. "You're very observant, Ennis."
"I've learned from the best."
Doc smiled again and leaned forward. "I think it's only fair I tell you a little about myself, seeing as though I know quite a bit about you. Is that okay with you?"
It was more than okay. "Of course. I'm all ears."
My son was a good kid. Always made the honor roll, played Varsity basketball, had a lot of friends. He was a parent's dream."
I was so far from Doc's kid, it wasn't even funny. I barely got my ass out of bed in the morning for school, and when I did, I slept through most my classes. I was ecstatic anytime I manged a C in any one of my classes, even gym for Chrissakes.
"It was a Saturday afternoon when my son, David, arrived home from practice. He came into the kitchen. My wife and I were sitting at the table, going over some renovations we were working on for the basement."
Doc paused, and I couldn't help but notice his that eyes began to get really wet and watery.
"He sat down across from my wife and I and said there was something he needed to tell us." Doc paused again, and blotted the sweat from his forehead with the sleeve of his sweater. "He looked us both in the eye and said he was gay, that he had been dating someone for about two months."
The sound of silence in the room was deafening.
"Really?" I finally managed to squeak out.
"Yeah." Doc rose from his chair and began pacing back and forth. It made me a little uncomfortable, and flattered, all at the same time, if that makes any sense.
"So...what happened?" I asked.
A single tear rolled down the left side of his face. "I kicked him out. I turned my back on him. My only son."
"You?" I gasped. I wasn't trying to make him feel any worse than he already felt, but I just assumed Doc was the perfect dad. I couldn't believe my ears. After a moment of allowing this to all sink in, I realized something-he was human, just like me, just like Jack, just like all the other "fuck-ups" in this joint.
"Yes. Me. By the time I realized how stupid and ignorant I was, it was too late. He was gone. I never got the chance to tell him I loved him, that I accepted him for who and what he was." Doc returned to his chair and closed his eyes.
Just then, it all clicked in my pea-brain. "So, excuse me for making this observation, but...you did to your son...exactly what Jack's parents did to him," I acknowledged quietly.
"Yeah, I did. One of the many reasons I founded the Amethyst House was to provide a safe, loving environment for people, young and old, who have resorted to drugs, the way my son had, to cope with having such...ignorant parents."
All I could do was nod.
"Jack is like a son to me. I've known him since he was seventeen years old. I'm the closest thing he's got to a father figure, a mentor. I vowed never to turn my back on him the way I did to my own child. We all make mistakes, Ennis, and well, as you can see now...I'm no exception to the rule."
I was honestly taken aback. I had no idea. "Wow. I...I don't know what to say. I'm...really flattered that you told me this stuff, Doc. I mean that."
Doc casually wiped his eyes dry and forced a smile. "Thanks for listening."
"You know, in a lot of ways, I guess you could say, Jack is to me...what you are to him. I love him, Doc. I really do." Open mouth, insert foot. I prayed I didn't just fuck this all up.
"I know, Ennis. That's exactly why you're still here. I see that. I understand and appreciate your honesty."
I breathed a sigh of relief.
"I have to get back to work, now, but before you go, there is something I actually wanted to talk to you ask you."
"Okay..."
"I'm really pleased you came here and talked to me about your social anxiety, and I'll be honest, it obviously hasn't gone unnoticed."
"Okay...," I said again. Where the hell he was going with this, I hadn't a clue.
"I was wondering if you would help me out with some of the new patients coming in next week."
My stomach started doing its tightening thing again. "Wha...what do you mean?"
"Well, you've been through most of my program, and you have a pretty good idea of how it all flows and what to expect, so I thought it would help having someone like you to be kind of like a mentor to these new kids. They're about your age. You won't have to do anything major, just show them around, lend a helping hand, or an open ear when needed. That sort of thing. No pressure of course, but it would help me out tremendously, and I think it would be good for you, too, Ennis. What do you say?"
My first instinct was to say-no fuckin way, but then I saw my Jack's porcelain face and those loving blue eyes. "Okay."
*********
I looked at the clock and couldn't believe it was already 8PM. After my chat with Doc, I pretty much stayed in my bedroom the rest of the evening. I thought about going to the library for a little while, but I was too tired to read or write, so I decided to settle in for the night.
I went into the bathroom, took a piss, brushed my teeth and undressed. I stared at myself in the mirror for long time. Jack was right, I had lost a lot of weight. My face was gaunt, my legs were thin and my hip bones were jutting straight out like razor blades. I was a goddamn mess.
I threw on a pair of sweat pants and the t-shirt Jack lent me and walked out of the bathroom to find Jack sitting on my bed. The smile on my face could have been detected from outer-space.
"Jack," I said, just above a whisper and collapsed in his arms. He held me close and kissed the top of my head.
"Hey, baby," he murmured against my ear.
I looked up and placed an eager kiss on his lips. He slipped his tongue inside my mouth, allowing me to taste him. God he tasted incredible.
Jack pulled back and nudged his nose to mine. "How you doin, huh?" he asked, running his fingers through my hair.
"Better, now that you're here."
"How'd it go with Doc? You said you needed to talk to him," Jack asked.
"Really, really great," I replied.
Jack pulled away and stared into my eyes to see if I was telling the truth. "Really?"
"Yeah. He actually asked me to help him out a little bit around here."
"How so?"
"Well, it's no big deal. He just asked if maybe I could help show the newbies around that are comin to the facility next week."
"That's great, Ennis! You know, that's how it all started for me, workin here and all."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yup. So what else did you talk about, if you don't mind me asking?" Jack asked, caressing my back, his fingers every so often slipping below the waistband of my sweat pants, grazing my crack. It felt so good, so goddamn good.
"We talked about a lot of stuff." I raised my hips, wanting to feel Jack's fingers there more than ever. Jack seemed to understand my needs and slid his hand completely down my backside. He pressed his index finger onto my tiny hole. "Jack..."
Jack cupped my face and kissed me hard and wet and sloppy, just the way I liked it. I felt the tip of his index finger slip pass my tight ring of muscle below and into my body. My penis was at full mast and begging for attention. I panted hot and heavy against the curve of Jack's neck as he pleasured me with nothing more than a single finger. "Jack...I need you inside me..."
Jack's finger dove deeper into my aching insides, pressing and rubbing and teasing the spot that made me howl.
"Let me finish you off this way. We can't risk gettin caught. Just relax. I'll take care of you."
I surrendered to the fact that we wouldn't be having sex, and concentrated on nothing but the pleasure that Jack was providing me.
"I'm gonna come, Jack..."
"It's okay," he whispered through a smile, probing my insides until I couldn't stand it anymore. I looked down at his erection jutting straight out of the front of his khaki pants. I placed my hand there and rubbed and rubbed in sync to the perfected rhythm he created with his finger deep inside my body. It wasn't a big deal if I shot my load in my pants, but Jack had to return downstairs and it would probably be a little difficult explaining the mystery spot on the front of his khakis. So in one quick motion, I unbuttoned and unzipped his pants, exposing his most intimate parts. "Ennis...," he breathed. "We have to be careful."
"I know. The door's locked, right?"
Jack nodded and looked between his legs. I spit in my hand, took hold of his cock, and began to jerk him off as he continued to finger me to the point of no return. Before I knew it, Jack was coming, coating the top of my fist with liquid white ribbons of spunk. It was one of the sexiest things I've ever seen. I came just seconds later, releasing inside my sweatpants. We clung to each other until our minds cleared and our breathing settled.
"Feel better?" Jack whispered, slowly removing his finger from my body.
"Yes...Christ, yes...."
Jack snagged a dirty towel from the hamper beside my bed and wiped the semen from his crotch and then off my hand. I loved the way he smelled, inside and out.
"Pull your pants down," Jack said. I nodded and yanked down the front of my sweats. I watched as Jack gently wiped me clean. He then kissed my forehead.
"Jack? Can you stay here with me? Just for a few minutes, until I fall asleep? Please?"
Without any hesitation at all, Jack scooted behind me, laid down, and pulled me into his arms. He murmured quiet things in my ear, told me he loved me, and hummed the song that always sent me to that special place where I felt safe and warm and loved and protected. I fell asleep shortly there after. It was one of the best nights sleep I've ever had.
I was actually looking forward to a new day.
Rating: R
Genre: au!au
Disclaimer: Ennis and Jack belong to Annie Proulx. No disrespect intended.
Summary: Under cut
*This is a story told from Ennis's POV. He's an eighteen year old drug addict that winds up in a sober living facility. Jack is the residential counselor/adviser. As Jack helps Ennis with his sobriety, Ennis replaces his old addiction for a new one-Jack. Jack, a recovering addict himself, finds himself spiraling back into addiction, except this time his drug of choice is Ennis. Their love for one another becomes possessive, twisted, but pure and forgiving. Can they find a normal balance? What is "normal" anyway...
Links to previous chapters can be found here: lavender-snow.livejournal.com/
Chapter 16
After having a quick lunch with Jack, we went our separate ways. He had a few work related things he needed to take care of, and I understood crystal clear that his stay here was not to visit me. I was just relieved that we were under the same roof again. I knew it was only for a few days, but hey, I was going to take whatever I could get, and run with it.
*************
I spent the rest of the afternoon doing laundry and reading. When dinner time rolled around, I ventured toward the cafe, hoping to find Jack there. I stood in the doorway, scanning the room for a solid minute. I looked all over the place, but I didn't see Jack anywhere, so I put my hunger pangs on the back-burner and started to walk back to my room.
"Ennis?" I heard Jack say, just as I was about to walk up the flight of stairs to my bedroom.
I quickly turned around and smiled, "Hey."
"What are you doin? Aren't you going to eat?" Jack approached me and placed a gentle hand on my cheek. I nuzzled my face into the warmth of his palm and smiled again. It amazed me how Jack had the ability to turn me, an eighteen year-old guy, into such a pile of heaping goo from just one smile, just one touch, just one look in his eyes.
"I was looking for you. You weren't around, so..." I paused as my stomach let out a loud, rumbling growl.
"Come on, you." Jack wrapped his arm around my shoulder and led the way back to the cafe.
I was so damn hungry, I think I may have literally inhaled my bowl of spaghetti and meatballs. It had been such a long time since I had an actual appetite.
"Jack?" I said, wiping the spaghetti sauce from my mouth. "Are you sure it's okay that...that we're hanging out like this? I know you said it was, but...it's just that, the last time you, Doc, and I were together, he was so livid at the both of us, I-"
"I know," Jack interrupted. "He was pissed, and to some extent, he still is, but he's a very forgiving man, Ennis...very forgiving."
"I'll say. I never thought I'd see you again. At least not for a while, anyway."
"Yeah, well, like I said, Doc and I had a really long talk. Things are okay, now. They are."
I nodded and took a sip of my soda. "You remind him a lot of his son, the one that passed away, huh? That's why he's got such a soft spot for you."
Jack shrugged his shoulders. "Yeah, I do." Jack took a much needed breath. "All of us live with some form of regret, Ennis. I think Doc wishes he could have done more for his son, maybe not have turned a blind-eye to certain things, maybe been a little more understanding, maybe a little more...accepting."
"Doc's the most understanding person I know, Jack. I can't imagine that he and his wife didn't do everything in their power to help their troubled kid."
From the look on Jack's face, I could tell there was a little more to this story than he was willing to share with me, and I respected that. So for once, I kept my big mouth shut.
******************
After dinner, most of the guests began to thin out and say their goodbyes. To be honest, I was relieved to see them all go.
Ever since I can remember, I have suffered from social anxiety, especially when subjected to large crowds of people. My chest would often get real tight and heavy, making it nearly impossible to breathe. Instead of getting any easier with age, it actually seemed to be getting worse.
I knew it was Sunday and the entire staff was tied up with meetings, and whatnot, but Dr. Lambertus did tell me that anytime I felt like talking, anytime at all, to go to him. I decided to take him up on that offer.
I walked down the long, narrow hallway to the conference room where I thought he'd be, but when I peeked inside, all I saw was the counselors, chatting away, staring at the big projection screen in the front of the room. Jack was there and met my eyes. He looked so good, dressed in his khaki pants and crisp white, collared shirt.
"Excuse me," Jack said to the person sitting beside him, rising from his chair. He met me in the hallway. "Hey, Ennis. What's up? I'm kind of busy here."
"I know. I was actually looking for Doc." Jack smelled incredible, but I immediately told my hormones to take a hike. The last thing I needed was to walk in Doc's office with a raging hard-on. "I figured he'd be here," I added.
"He's in his office. Is everything okay?"
"Yeah. I just wanted to talk to him about somethin."
"Oh, okay. Well, I gotta get back to work."
"Alright, Jack." I said, and began to walk away.
"Hey, Ennis."
I stopped and looked over my shoulder.
"I'll catch up with you later tonight, okay?" Jack said, with a wink.
I smiled. "Okay, Jack."
*************
I entered Doc's office to find him at his desk, sifting through a stack of papers.
"Uh, Doc? Is it a bad time?"
Doc lifted his eyes to mine. "No, no, Ennis. Come on in. Sit down," he said, gesturing to the chair in front of his desk.
I hesitantly took a seat and then stared at my lap. I kind of felt bad for bothering him with my bullshit on his "day off."
"What's up?" he asked.
"Uh, well, you said anytime I felt like talking, I could come and see you, so...but if it's a bad time, I'll-"
"No, no, Ennis. I meant what I said, anytime you wanted to talk. That's why I'm here. What's on your mind?"
For a minute, I completely forgot why the hell I was there and felt my stomach start to tighten. "Uh..."
Doc leaned back in his chair and smiled at me. He and Jack always seemed to know how to chill me the hell out without saying a single word.
"I wanted...I wanted to talk to you about the anxiety I've been experiencing."
"Is this something new?"
I couldn't help but laugh. "No. It's something that I've been dealing with for...ever, I guess you could say."
"What kind of anxiety?"
"Mm, I guess...social anxiety? I'm not sure."
"Tell me about it."
I exhaled a long breath, causing my lips to flutter. "Ever since I can remember, I've always been real nervous talking to people. It's even worse when I'm surrounded by a lot of people. Even people I know, I still tend to get real...I don't know, anxious and nervous and fidgety. Problem is, I think it's getting worse."
"Go on," Doc said. He always seemed to know when I had more to say.
"Most days, I can barely manage going into the cafe to eat because I'm so damn wracked with nerves. Not that I've had much of an appetite lately, but still..."
"I've noticed. I've also noticed that you don't interact with the other patients, unless absolutely necessary," Doc added.
I nodded in agreement.
"Ennis, I want you to close your eyes."
I tilted my head back and allowed my eyelids to slowly shut.
"I want you to think back to a time when you first remember experiencing this type of anxiety."
"What does it matter when?" I asked with my eyes still tightly closed.
"It's important to get to the root of your issues. I know it's unpleasant at times, and may not make much sense, but just trust me on this, okay?"
I nodded again.
"Now, breathe in deep through your nose and breathe out slowly through your mouth."
I inhaled deeply and held it for a moment before slowly exhaling my breath passed my chapped lips.
"Good. Do it again. Relax your mind, relax your body."
I did as I was told and felt all my extremities go limp to the sound of his voice.
"Again," he instructed.
As I exhaled for the third time, I was suddenly seven years old again, walking by my mother's side in the Buckland Hill's Mall. I swear I could smell the scent of new clothes and salty french fries from the McDonald's restaurant next to Sears.
I remember her running into an old friend by the big water fountain where everyone tossed their pennies, making wishes that would probably never come true...mine never did anyway.
I asked my mom for a penny and she snapped at me for interrupting her conversation. I asked again. Wanting me out of her hair, she finally flung two shiny pennies in my direction from the bottom of her over-sized, black pocketbook.
I quickly ran over to the fountain. The first wish I made was to get a Nintendo for Christmas that year. Everyone had one, and I felt so left out when all the kids in school would talk about all how cool the graphics were and how they'd swap games on the weekend.
The second wish I made was to be able to fly. When ever my parents would fight, or I'd get the brunt of my mother's drunken wrath, I'd go to my room and just stare out the window and watch all the birds flutter from one tree branch to another and eventually fly far, far away from everything. I wanted to be able to do that.
After I made my wishes, I turned around and my mother was gone. I anxiously looked at all the faces as they passed me in a hurry, but none was that of my mother. I called out for her, but she never came. I started to cry, and I remembered how I struggled to catch my breath. When a stranger approached me and asked if I was lost, I screamed at the top of my lungs. I was completely panic stricken.
My screams caught the attention of the mall security guard, who then took me to his office, where I waited for two hours until my mother was finally located at the opposite end of the mall.
When she walked into the office and saw me, she put on such a show, smothering me with kisses, saying how "worried" she was. She explained to the security guard that I had wandered off and that she had been looking all over for me. From the smell of her breath, I knew the only thing she was looking for was a buzz at the nearest bar.
"I was seven. I was in a mall. My mother left me there to get drunk," I said, swallowing my tears.
"How did you feel?"
I snapped my eyes open. "How the hell do you think I felt?! I was scared shitless."
"Understandably so."
"Yeah, well, now what? What good does remembering this shit have to do with anything?"
"Ennis, you have to learn to trust me. Trust that I have some sort of clue as to what I'm doing, okay?"
I wanted to punch his desk, as I had so many times before, but I realized that never got me anywhere, and he was right-I had to learn how to trust people, even if just a little.
"It's important for me to know where it all started, Ennis. I know it hurts, I know it's not easy, but sometimes, in order to move forward, you've got to take a few steps back. Do you understand?"
I really didn't, but he was the professional, so I agreed.
"Tell you what, let's focus on this over the next few sessions, alright? I'm going to help you and give you some tools to work on your anxiety issues. In the meantime, I'm going to increase your medication."
Oh great, more pills. That seemed to be all doctors' answers these days.
Dr. Lambertus chuckled. "I know what you're thinking, but again, just trust me. If you experience any unwanted side-effects, let me know."
I lowered my head. "Okay."
"I'm really glad you came and talked to me today, Ennis. It's actually quite a big step for you."
"I...I just knew that if I didn't get it off my chest right this instant, I probably never would."
"Like I said, Ennis, anytime. Is there anything else you feel like discussing since you're here?"
I wasn't sure if it was appropriate to be opening this can of worms, but I figured I didn't have anything to lose. "Doc? How...how come you're being so cool about...ya know, Jack and I, and all the crap we've put you through? Not that I'm complaining, but I just figured, any other person in your position would have fired Jack and kicked my ass to the curb."
Doc removed his glasses and dragged his hand down his tired face. "I believe in second chances. I really do."
I could tell there was more. "Go on."
Dr. Lambertus smiled. "You're very observant, Ennis."
"I've learned from the best."
Doc smiled again and leaned forward. "I think it's only fair I tell you a little about myself, seeing as though I know quite a bit about you. Is that okay with you?"
It was more than okay. "Of course. I'm all ears."
My son was a good kid. Always made the honor roll, played Varsity basketball, had a lot of friends. He was a parent's dream."
I was so far from Doc's kid, it wasn't even funny. I barely got my ass out of bed in the morning for school, and when I did, I slept through most my classes. I was ecstatic anytime I manged a C in any one of my classes, even gym for Chrissakes.
"It was a Saturday afternoon when my son, David, arrived home from practice. He came into the kitchen. My wife and I were sitting at the table, going over some renovations we were working on for the basement."
Doc paused, and I couldn't help but notice his that eyes began to get really wet and watery.
"He sat down across from my wife and I and said there was something he needed to tell us." Doc paused again, and blotted the sweat from his forehead with the sleeve of his sweater. "He looked us both in the eye and said he was gay, that he had been dating someone for about two months."
The sound of silence in the room was deafening.
"Really?" I finally managed to squeak out.
"Yeah." Doc rose from his chair and began pacing back and forth. It made me a little uncomfortable, and flattered, all at the same time, if that makes any sense.
"So...what happened?" I asked.
A single tear rolled down the left side of his face. "I kicked him out. I turned my back on him. My only son."
"You?" I gasped. I wasn't trying to make him feel any worse than he already felt, but I just assumed Doc was the perfect dad. I couldn't believe my ears. After a moment of allowing this to all sink in, I realized something-he was human, just like me, just like Jack, just like all the other "fuck-ups" in this joint.
"Yes. Me. By the time I realized how stupid and ignorant I was, it was too late. He was gone. I never got the chance to tell him I loved him, that I accepted him for who and what he was." Doc returned to his chair and closed his eyes.
Just then, it all clicked in my pea-brain. "So, excuse me for making this observation, but...you did to your son...exactly what Jack's parents did to him," I acknowledged quietly.
"Yeah, I did. One of the many reasons I founded the Amethyst House was to provide a safe, loving environment for people, young and old, who have resorted to drugs, the way my son had, to cope with having such...ignorant parents."
All I could do was nod.
"Jack is like a son to me. I've known him since he was seventeen years old. I'm the closest thing he's got to a father figure, a mentor. I vowed never to turn my back on him the way I did to my own child. We all make mistakes, Ennis, and well, as you can see now...I'm no exception to the rule."
I was honestly taken aback. I had no idea. "Wow. I...I don't know what to say. I'm...really flattered that you told me this stuff, Doc. I mean that."
Doc casually wiped his eyes dry and forced a smile. "Thanks for listening."
"You know, in a lot of ways, I guess you could say, Jack is to me...what you are to him. I love him, Doc. I really do." Open mouth, insert foot. I prayed I didn't just fuck this all up.
"I know, Ennis. That's exactly why you're still here. I see that. I understand and appreciate your honesty."
I breathed a sigh of relief.
"I have to get back to work, now, but before you go, there is something I actually wanted to talk to you ask you."
"Okay..."
"I'm really pleased you came here and talked to me about your social anxiety, and I'll be honest, it obviously hasn't gone unnoticed."
"Okay...," I said again. Where the hell he was going with this, I hadn't a clue.
"I was wondering if you would help me out with some of the new patients coming in next week."
My stomach started doing its tightening thing again. "Wha...what do you mean?"
"Well, you've been through most of my program, and you have a pretty good idea of how it all flows and what to expect, so I thought it would help having someone like you to be kind of like a mentor to these new kids. They're about your age. You won't have to do anything major, just show them around, lend a helping hand, or an open ear when needed. That sort of thing. No pressure of course, but it would help me out tremendously, and I think it would be good for you, too, Ennis. What do you say?"
My first instinct was to say-no fuckin way, but then I saw my Jack's porcelain face and those loving blue eyes. "Okay."
*********
I looked at the clock and couldn't believe it was already 8PM. After my chat with Doc, I pretty much stayed in my bedroom the rest of the evening. I thought about going to the library for a little while, but I was too tired to read or write, so I decided to settle in for the night.
I went into the bathroom, took a piss, brushed my teeth and undressed. I stared at myself in the mirror for long time. Jack was right, I had lost a lot of weight. My face was gaunt, my legs were thin and my hip bones were jutting straight out like razor blades. I was a goddamn mess.
I threw on a pair of sweat pants and the t-shirt Jack lent me and walked out of the bathroom to find Jack sitting on my bed. The smile on my face could have been detected from outer-space.
"Jack," I said, just above a whisper and collapsed in his arms. He held me close and kissed the top of my head.
"Hey, baby," he murmured against my ear.
I looked up and placed an eager kiss on his lips. He slipped his tongue inside my mouth, allowing me to taste him. God he tasted incredible.
Jack pulled back and nudged his nose to mine. "How you doin, huh?" he asked, running his fingers through my hair.
"Better, now that you're here."
"How'd it go with Doc? You said you needed to talk to him," Jack asked.
"Really, really great," I replied.
Jack pulled away and stared into my eyes to see if I was telling the truth. "Really?"
"Yeah. He actually asked me to help him out a little bit around here."
"How so?"
"Well, it's no big deal. He just asked if maybe I could help show the newbies around that are comin to the facility next week."
"That's great, Ennis! You know, that's how it all started for me, workin here and all."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yup. So what else did you talk about, if you don't mind me asking?" Jack asked, caressing my back, his fingers every so often slipping below the waistband of my sweat pants, grazing my crack. It felt so good, so goddamn good.
"We talked about a lot of stuff." I raised my hips, wanting to feel Jack's fingers there more than ever. Jack seemed to understand my needs and slid his hand completely down my backside. He pressed his index finger onto my tiny hole. "Jack..."
Jack cupped my face and kissed me hard and wet and sloppy, just the way I liked it. I felt the tip of his index finger slip pass my tight ring of muscle below and into my body. My penis was at full mast and begging for attention. I panted hot and heavy against the curve of Jack's neck as he pleasured me with nothing more than a single finger. "Jack...I need you inside me..."
Jack's finger dove deeper into my aching insides, pressing and rubbing and teasing the spot that made me howl.
"Let me finish you off this way. We can't risk gettin caught. Just relax. I'll take care of you."
I surrendered to the fact that we wouldn't be having sex, and concentrated on nothing but the pleasure that Jack was providing me.
"I'm gonna come, Jack..."
"It's okay," he whispered through a smile, probing my insides until I couldn't stand it anymore. I looked down at his erection jutting straight out of the front of his khaki pants. I placed my hand there and rubbed and rubbed in sync to the perfected rhythm he created with his finger deep inside my body. It wasn't a big deal if I shot my load in my pants, but Jack had to return downstairs and it would probably be a little difficult explaining the mystery spot on the front of his khakis. So in one quick motion, I unbuttoned and unzipped his pants, exposing his most intimate parts. "Ennis...," he breathed. "We have to be careful."
"I know. The door's locked, right?"
Jack nodded and looked between his legs. I spit in my hand, took hold of his cock, and began to jerk him off as he continued to finger me to the point of no return. Before I knew it, Jack was coming, coating the top of my fist with liquid white ribbons of spunk. It was one of the sexiest things I've ever seen. I came just seconds later, releasing inside my sweatpants. We clung to each other until our minds cleared and our breathing settled.
"Feel better?" Jack whispered, slowly removing his finger from my body.
"Yes...Christ, yes...."
Jack snagged a dirty towel from the hamper beside my bed and wiped the semen from his crotch and then off my hand. I loved the way he smelled, inside and out.
"Pull your pants down," Jack said. I nodded and yanked down the front of my sweats. I watched as Jack gently wiped me clean. He then kissed my forehead.
"Jack? Can you stay here with me? Just for a few minutes, until I fall asleep? Please?"
Without any hesitation at all, Jack scooted behind me, laid down, and pulled me into his arms. He murmured quiet things in my ear, told me he loved me, and hummed the song that always sent me to that special place where I felt safe and warm and loved and protected. I fell asleep shortly there after. It was one of the best nights sleep I've ever had.
I was actually looking forward to a new day.