16 February 1983 - as Melanie Horton
I feel...pathetic. Disgusting. Horrified. Humiliated.
I don't know, I wish I didn't feel any of those things. I did not go out last night planning on finding someone, I didn't. And I don't even normally like lonely sad men. It just sort of happened. We were talking and he told me how he's in love with Melisande Grubbly-Plank and she's getting engaged to Lotho Marchbanks. You can't help but feel bad, Lotho Marchbanks is a berk.
I felt bad.
I never feel bad about anything.
I feel bad about that, I still feel bad.
I feel horrified because I told him about Mark fucking Goshawk WHO IS DATING A SPAVIN TWIN. He's dating fucking Briseis Spavin. And they're having a nice time and I want to hex both their faces off, but mostly I'm horrified I said anything about but I was drunk and it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I reckon we both said loads of things we wouldn't have if were sober, but we were drunk. We were really drunk and even though I can blame it on that, it's not very comforting because I still said what I said and nothing can take it back. I could Confund Arkie but he's supposed to be a genius and I feel bad enough for him already, I don't need to Confund him.
I can't believe - last night might have been the saddest sex I've ever had in my life. It wasn't bad it was just - I don't know. It's just a mess.
I don't remember who kissed who but then were snogging and then I woke up in his bed and oh gods, this morning was horrifying. We didn't say much, but I was running late for training so I showed up in last night's robes and the need for a hair brush. I told Grey and Leandra I didn't want to talk about it. Leandra asked me if I'd shagged Darius, I would have to be loads drunker to shag Darius then I did Arkie Alderton.
But oh gods.
I just wanted to hide under my covers and die. I don't even know who I am anymore, it's not like I want to get married or anything. I don't even know what I'm doing, I'm an ADULT WOMAN. Why is this so hard? It's not like I'm dying to get married, I don't want to get married. I don't want kids.
Why.
Why did I say all of that? Even when I was drunk, WHAT IN MY BRAIN MADE THAT A GOOD IDEA?
Right now I just want to crawl under my blankets and die. That's after I try to consume everything that I have in my flat.
And there was no way I was telling the entire story to Colin and Everett.