I HAVE HOUSING! I'M NOT HOMELESS!!
So i've got a room, 121 Brown, a quad w/ all my lovelies! It's weird, I finished the following play right before I found out.
The characters were supposed to be based on real people, but ended up not being, and were really just very nondescript. Whatever. I was bored.
The Wait List
SCENE I
College dorm, haphazardly decorated, but spacious. Maxine, Chelsea, Jeri doing dorm-like things around the room. Ally enters, excited.
ALLY: Guys! The room draw lists are out.
MAXINE: Already? Wow. Are we-
ALLY: It’s bad. Really really bad.
JERI: You’ve got to be kidding. (pause) How bad is really really bad?
CHELSEA: (at computer) Last 20 minutes on the last day. Looks like we’ve got a nice, cozy spot on (dramatic pause) the waiting list (these words echo ominously, fade out)
SCENE II
White. Nothingness. Maxine, Chelsea, Jeri, Ally fall on stage, get up dazedly.
MAXINE: Where the Hell are we?
(a male secretary-type, dressed in white, carrying a clipboard, enters)
BOB: Welcome to the wait list. I’m Bob, I’ll be your wait list agent. If you could please complete some clerical work, we can begin processing your file.
ALLY: What the fuck? What is this? Who are you?
BOB: I’m Bob, and I’ll be your wait list agent-
CHELSEA: No- (gestures around) What is this place? What’s going on?
BOB: Well, you’re on the wait list.
JERI: But, I thought the wait list was… a list. Not some sort of creepy doctor’s office.
BOB: Well, the folks at Undergraduate Housing figured it would be easier if they outsourced their wait list duties this year.
MAXINE: So, what… you’re saying we’re in India or something?
BOB: Well, actually, I’m employed by Purgare Enterprises. We’re the folks that run Purgatory.
ALLY: Purgatory? What do you mean? Are we dead or something?
BOB: No, no, this is, well-about ten years back we started branching out with our services - you know… taking advantage of the market and all…
JERI: The market? There’s a market for Purgatory?
BOB: Well, no, and that’s the whole reason why we started branching out… we figured there was a whole market that we weren’t capitalizing on. I mean, we’ve been doing this for over 2 millennia, so who better to handle your wait listing needs than Purgare Enterprises?
MAXINE: Great. So we’re in undergraduate housing purgatory. Just… great.
CHELSEA: But… if we’re in Purgatory, doesn’t that mean we… you know… sinned?
ALLY: Yeah! Why us? What did we do wrong?
BOB: (flips through a file) Well, actually, it’s what you didn’t do that got you here. (pulls out a sheet of paper) According to your file, you four have failed the “Princeton Experience” requirements.
JERI: The what?
BOB: Well, you haven’t fully lived out the Princeton experience; it says here you have failed to meet 10 of the required 15 experiences.
JERI: You’re kidding me, right? It’s not enough that we have to meet departmental requirements, pre-med requirements, distribution requirements… now you’re saying there are “Princeton Experience” requirements?
CHELSEA: I don’t understand! Why does everything have to be so complicated?!
BOB: Look, I don’t make the rules. Your Housing Department gives us their needs, and Purgare Enterprises takes care of the rest. Now please, there’s a lot of paperwork that needs to be-
ALLY: Wait-so the only reason why we’re here is because we haven’t completed (air quotes) “the Princeton experience”? What happens if we do complete it?
BOB: Well, now it’s too late… you’re just going to have to go through the process like all other delinquents.
MAXINE: What process? We get tortured until we repent our sins, and then enter the world of super-awesome-room-dom?
BOB: Well, no. The problem with secular work is that there’s just so much more… red tape. Apparently, you folks are going to have to go on a quest laid out by the Undergraduate Life Department, until you have sufficiently reflected on the Princeton Experience. When you’ve reached the appropriate conclusions, you will be transported back here for final processing.
JERI: A quest? Goddammit! I just - all we want is a quad somewhere -
ALLY: Somewhere close to the Street-
MAXINE: Somewhere close to the E-Quad -
CHELSEA: Somewhere close to the Wa-
(wistful-looking tableau, “wouldn’t it be loverly” plays softly, stops abruptly when Bob speaks)
BOB: It doesn’t matter what you want. Here at the Wait List, we at Purgare choose for you! (hands all four a paper) Now here’s your quest paperwork. I’ll see you when you’ve completed your tasks. (exits)
MAXINE: This is ridiculous! Come back here! What are we supposed to do with-
(Chelsea opens her file, and as she does so, weird special effect, blackout)
SCENE III
Dark. Jeri, Chelsea, Ally, and Maxine appear from behind some bushes.
ALLY: Now where are we?
MAXINE: What does the file say, Chelsea?
CHELSEA: (skimming) In these times when… loss of appreciation… university’s founders… (clearer) Your quest is to find the spirit of the University (more skimming) rotation of spirits… zodiac system… (clear) this year the spirit of the University will be embodied by University President Emeritus, James McCosh. (turns page) … that’s it.
JERI: That’s it? But - but what does it mean?
CHELSEA: Well, I guess we’re going to have to find the spirit of James McCosh.
JERI: But how the Hell are we supposed to do that?
CHELSEA: Maxine, you’re the tour guide, do you know of any McCosh apparition appearances?
MAXINE: No, I don’t think so… I mean, we could always try doing a séance in McCosh 50 or something…. Or do a rain dance on McCosh walk… Hell I don’t know! There are about 10 million things on this campus named after McCosh.
ALLY: (she has been trying to figure out where they are) Wait! Guys! I got it! Come with me! (goes to another set of bushes, they follow as Ally starts looking through bushes)
JERI: What are you doing?
ALLY: I know these buses. I’ve booted in them before -
CHELSEA: You’ve booted in this specific set of bushes before? How can you possibly know-
MAXINE: She’s right! This is the back of TI!
JERI: Great, now we’ve established that Ally’s an alkie, how is that going to help us find-
ALLY: Here! (pulls out a guy vomiting) This is it!
MAXINE: Him? (steps back as the guy vomits some more) He’s going to help us find the spirit of James McCosh?
ALLY: (whips out cell phone) All I have to do is call Public Safety, and -
JERI: Public Safety? We don’t have time to-
GUY: Wait, no! They’ll make me go to those (vomit) “life planning” meetings again! I’m (vomit) fine! Don’t send me to McCosh!
CHELSEA: McCosh! Wait, you don’t think if we take him to McCosh, then-
ALLY: I mean, come on, what better than alcohol-induced hospitalization to represent the spirit of Princeton, right?
MAXINE: Ally, McCosh Infirmary was named after Isabella McCosh, John McCosh’s wife.
ALLY: His wife?
MAXINE: His wife.
ALLY: Not him?
MAXINE: Not him.
ALLY: (sighs) Well, that was my brilliant idea. (drops guy on the ground) Someone else think of something.
JERI: I say we go to McCosh 50. It would be like a University President to sit up on the second balcony laughing at us during exams and 8:30 classes.
MAXINE: I did always feel like someone was laughing at me during my physics final…
SCENE IV
Dark. McCosh 50. Jeri, Ally, Chelsea, Maxine enter, cautiously.
JERI: Nice display of lock-picking skills there, Chelsea.
CHELSEA: Never ceases to come in handy.
MAXINE: So, now what do we do?
ALLY: Well, you’re the one who said we should have a séance. (sits down in a medative pose) So let’s get to it.
MAXINE: I didn’t actually think-
CHELSEA: Come on, Maxine, what else are we going to do? We might as well. (sits, the others follow)
MAXINE: So, uh… does anyone know how to do these things?
ALLY: Why don’t we just try to talk to the guy?
CHELSEA: Um… okay. (shuts eyes) Dear President McCosh - I’m Chelsea, this is Jeri, Maxine, and Ally with me. We’re on the wait list - and well, we’d really like our room assignments, so if you could please appear - we’d be very grateful.
MAXINE: I really don’t think a séance is supposed to be like composing a letter.
JERI: Shh!
(painfully long pause)
MAXINE: This clearly isn’t going to work.
ALLY: Well, what do you suggest we do?
MAXINE: I don’t know, but look at us! We just broke into McCosh 50 so we could hold a séance for God’s sake! And for what? So we can find the “spirit of the University”? What the Hell does that mean? Look I don’t care about room assignments enough for this. We’re guaranteed housing: what happens, happens. (gets up) I’ll see you guys later, I’m going to the Street, finding some actual spirits, and getting trashed.
(Ally gets up)
JERI: Where are you going?
ALLY: Well, we have to go with her.
JERI: Oh please, Ally, you’d take any excuse to get drunk. I really doubt the Spirit of James McCosh resides at 79 Prospect Avenue.
CHELSEA: No, she’s right, Jeri, we shouldn’t split up. What if we find McCosh without Maxine? That might mean-that might mean we’d get split up all over campus next year!
JERI: So what? She’s the one who doesn’t care anymore. I say screw her. More floor space for me.
ALLY: No, we’re in this together, Jeri, and we’re going to finish it together. (drags JERI with her) Come on, Chelsea, let’s go.
SCENE V
The Street. Maxine, talking to a guy, as Jeri, Ally, and Chelsea enter.
CHELSEA: There she is! Who’s she talking to?
ALLY: That’s weird, it looks like Stuart Tarleton. (shouts) Hey, Maxine! (Maxine looks over, says something to Stuart, comes over, and after a pause Stuart stumbles offstage)
MAXINE: Guys! I think I figured it out!
CHELSEA: What?
MAXINE: The spirit of-
JERI: (sneering) I thought you didn’t care; I thought you’d given up. (Maxine opens and closes her mouth, hurt. Ally glares at Jeri)
ALLY: So what’d you find out?
MAXINE: (hesitant, still looking at Jeri) Well, Stuart Tarleton, he-(turns) Hey! Where’d he go?
CHELSEA: I think he was headed towards Terrace.
MAXINE: Shit! Let’s go! (turns)
JERI: I’m not going into Terrace unless I have a damn good reason, and Stuart Tarleton is hardly any reason. Last time I went in there I couldn’t get the pot smell out of my hair for 3 days, so you’d better explain to me what -
MAXINE: Remember one night freshman year, he got really messed up and got in a fight with Cade Calvert?
ALLY: Yeah, sure. We had to take Cade to PMC-
MAXINE: And remember Stuart told us if we told anyone he was the one who did it he’d get us all kicked out?
JERI: He was clearly bullshitting us.
MAXINE: He wasn’t. He just told me he’s James McCosh’s great-great-great-grandson.
CHELSEA: (gasps) You mean the spirit of James McCosh is -
ALLY: Stuart Tarleton? That little fucker?
JERI: We’ve got to find him! (they run)
SCENE VI
Terrace. Smoky upstairs room. Stuart and three other people sitting around, smoking as Jeri, Chelsea, Ally, and Maxine enter.
MAXINE: Thank God, he’s here! (louder) Stuart! Hey! (they go over to him) You know my roommates.
STUART: (vaguely) Hey, uh…. Yeah. (reaches towards his pocket)You want some weed or something?
CHELSEA: What? No. We - you’re James McCosh’s great-great-great-grandson?
STUART: Hmm? Oh… yeah, yeah I am.
JERI: Well, we’re looking for - we’re supposed to find James-
STUART: James? Oh, James. (nudges the guy beside him) James, these girls are looking for you.
ALLY: Well, actually -
JAMES: Hey, girls! Stuart, get me a drink, will ya?
STUART: Mmhmm. (gets up, stumbles offstage)
CHELSEA: Wait, but this isn’t -
JAMES: So you’re looking for me? Come, (gestures at the couch) sit down!
ALLY: (to Maxine) I hardly think this sketchy grad student is the James we’re looking for.
JOHN: You must be Ally, Maxine, Jeri, and Chelsea! I’ve been waiting for you.
MAXINE: You know us?
JAMES: Sure! Bob from the Waiting List forwarded me your file.
JERI: You’re James McCosh?! The Spirit of Princeton? You? But - But you’re a pothead!
JOHN: Of course I’m a pothead! What self-respecting spirit wouldn’t be in this day and age?
ALLY: So you’re saying that the Spirit of Princeton is… weed? If anything, I’d have said it was Beast…
CHELSEA: No, this can’t be right! All night we’ve been traipsing around campus looking for the spirit of the university- for the meaning behind why we’re here-and I refuse to believe that the reason I’ve been paying $40,000 a year is for pot. I’m sorry, James, but I cannot accept that you are the Spirit of Princeton. (goes to leave)
JAMES: You want to know the meaning of Princeton? Well, here it is. Princeton is inherently elite and inherently worthless.
MAXINE: Worthless? Princeton? What are you talking about?
JAMES: You don’t believe me? Then how come Princeton is an anagram for “inept corn”?
JERI: That doesn’t mean anything.
JAMES: Oh yeah? Then how come Princeton University is an anagram for “note: I spurn cretin Ivy”?
JERI: Princeton University? Note: I spurn cretin Ivy? Oh my God, it’s true!
JAMES: And there you have it. Princeton University: Unnecessary Elitism since 1746.
MAXINE: So this is the message that we’ve been searching for? This knowledge that we’re wasting our time here - this will get us through our four years at Princeton?
JAMES: Well, I should think that it means you should have as much fun as you can get out of this place-it’s all that really lasts.
ALLY: That’s all well and good, but how does this help us get our room assignments?
JAMES: I’m not sure, but Bob said that all I had to do was wait for you, and he’d take care of the rest…
SCENE VII
Back at the waiting room. Bob at the desk. Jeri, Ally, Chelsea, Maxine enter.
BOB: Welcome back! How was your quest?
MAXINE: Did we pass? Do we get to enter the land of super-awesome-room-dom?
BOB: Well, I’m not sure yet. There’s still more paperwork to fill out, and we’re waiting on some deaths - uh, I mean dropouts-sorry, the Purgatory lingo is hard to get rid of, but if you just -
JERI: More? But I thought if we completed our quest, then-
BOB: No, no! (laughs) The quest is just something we give you to do to keep you from bothering us while you wait. To be completely honest, the entire process is entirely out of your hands.
ALLY: Wait, what do you mean? What do we do now?
BOB: Well, I suggest you have a seat, and just - wait.
(blackout)
The characters were supposed to be based on real people, but ended up not being, and were really just very nondescript. Whatever. I was bored.
The Wait List
SCENE I
College dorm, haphazardly decorated, but spacious. Maxine, Chelsea, Jeri doing dorm-like things around the room. Ally enters, excited.
ALLY: Guys! The room draw lists are out.
MAXINE: Already? Wow. Are we-
ALLY: It’s bad. Really really bad.
JERI: You’ve got to be kidding. (pause) How bad is really really bad?
CHELSEA: (at computer) Last 20 minutes on the last day. Looks like we’ve got a nice, cozy spot on (dramatic pause) the waiting list (these words echo ominously, fade out)
SCENE II
White. Nothingness. Maxine, Chelsea, Jeri, Ally fall on stage, get up dazedly.
MAXINE: Where the Hell are we?
(a male secretary-type, dressed in white, carrying a clipboard, enters)
BOB: Welcome to the wait list. I’m Bob, I’ll be your wait list agent. If you could please complete some clerical work, we can begin processing your file.
ALLY: What the fuck? What is this? Who are you?
BOB: I’m Bob, and I’ll be your wait list agent-
CHELSEA: No- (gestures around) What is this place? What’s going on?
BOB: Well, you’re on the wait list.
JERI: But, I thought the wait list was… a list. Not some sort of creepy doctor’s office.
BOB: Well, the folks at Undergraduate Housing figured it would be easier if they outsourced their wait list duties this year.
MAXINE: So, what… you’re saying we’re in India or something?
BOB: Well, actually, I’m employed by Purgare Enterprises. We’re the folks that run Purgatory.
ALLY: Purgatory? What do you mean? Are we dead or something?
BOB: No, no, this is, well-about ten years back we started branching out with our services - you know… taking advantage of the market and all…
JERI: The market? There’s a market for Purgatory?
BOB: Well, no, and that’s the whole reason why we started branching out… we figured there was a whole market that we weren’t capitalizing on. I mean, we’ve been doing this for over 2 millennia, so who better to handle your wait listing needs than Purgare Enterprises?
MAXINE: Great. So we’re in undergraduate housing purgatory. Just… great.
CHELSEA: But… if we’re in Purgatory, doesn’t that mean we… you know… sinned?
ALLY: Yeah! Why us? What did we do wrong?
BOB: (flips through a file) Well, actually, it’s what you didn’t do that got you here. (pulls out a sheet of paper) According to your file, you four have failed the “Princeton Experience” requirements.
JERI: The what?
BOB: Well, you haven’t fully lived out the Princeton experience; it says here you have failed to meet 10 of the required 15 experiences.
JERI: You’re kidding me, right? It’s not enough that we have to meet departmental requirements, pre-med requirements, distribution requirements… now you’re saying there are “Princeton Experience” requirements?
CHELSEA: I don’t understand! Why does everything have to be so complicated?!
BOB: Look, I don’t make the rules. Your Housing Department gives us their needs, and Purgare Enterprises takes care of the rest. Now please, there’s a lot of paperwork that needs to be-
ALLY: Wait-so the only reason why we’re here is because we haven’t completed (air quotes) “the Princeton experience”? What happens if we do complete it?
BOB: Well, now it’s too late… you’re just going to have to go through the process like all other delinquents.
MAXINE: What process? We get tortured until we repent our sins, and then enter the world of super-awesome-room-dom?
BOB: Well, no. The problem with secular work is that there’s just so much more… red tape. Apparently, you folks are going to have to go on a quest laid out by the Undergraduate Life Department, until you have sufficiently reflected on the Princeton Experience. When you’ve reached the appropriate conclusions, you will be transported back here for final processing.
JERI: A quest? Goddammit! I just - all we want is a quad somewhere -
ALLY: Somewhere close to the Street-
MAXINE: Somewhere close to the E-Quad -
CHELSEA: Somewhere close to the Wa-
(wistful-looking tableau, “wouldn’t it be loverly” plays softly, stops abruptly when Bob speaks)
BOB: It doesn’t matter what you want. Here at the Wait List, we at Purgare choose for you! (hands all four a paper) Now here’s your quest paperwork. I’ll see you when you’ve completed your tasks. (exits)
MAXINE: This is ridiculous! Come back here! What are we supposed to do with-
(Chelsea opens her file, and as she does so, weird special effect, blackout)
SCENE III
Dark. Jeri, Chelsea, Ally, and Maxine appear from behind some bushes.
ALLY: Now where are we?
MAXINE: What does the file say, Chelsea?
CHELSEA: (skimming) In these times when… loss of appreciation… university’s founders… (clearer) Your quest is to find the spirit of the University (more skimming) rotation of spirits… zodiac system… (clear) this year the spirit of the University will be embodied by University President Emeritus, James McCosh. (turns page) … that’s it.
JERI: That’s it? But - but what does it mean?
CHELSEA: Well, I guess we’re going to have to find the spirit of James McCosh.
JERI: But how the Hell are we supposed to do that?
CHELSEA: Maxine, you’re the tour guide, do you know of any McCosh apparition appearances?
MAXINE: No, I don’t think so… I mean, we could always try doing a séance in McCosh 50 or something…. Or do a rain dance on McCosh walk… Hell I don’t know! There are about 10 million things on this campus named after McCosh.
ALLY: (she has been trying to figure out where they are) Wait! Guys! I got it! Come with me! (goes to another set of bushes, they follow as Ally starts looking through bushes)
JERI: What are you doing?
ALLY: I know these buses. I’ve booted in them before -
CHELSEA: You’ve booted in this specific set of bushes before? How can you possibly know-
MAXINE: She’s right! This is the back of TI!
JERI: Great, now we’ve established that Ally’s an alkie, how is that going to help us find-
ALLY: Here! (pulls out a guy vomiting) This is it!
MAXINE: Him? (steps back as the guy vomits some more) He’s going to help us find the spirit of James McCosh?
ALLY: (whips out cell phone) All I have to do is call Public Safety, and -
JERI: Public Safety? We don’t have time to-
GUY: Wait, no! They’ll make me go to those (vomit) “life planning” meetings again! I’m (vomit) fine! Don’t send me to McCosh!
CHELSEA: McCosh! Wait, you don’t think if we take him to McCosh, then-
ALLY: I mean, come on, what better than alcohol-induced hospitalization to represent the spirit of Princeton, right?
MAXINE: Ally, McCosh Infirmary was named after Isabella McCosh, John McCosh’s wife.
ALLY: His wife?
MAXINE: His wife.
ALLY: Not him?
MAXINE: Not him.
ALLY: (sighs) Well, that was my brilliant idea. (drops guy on the ground) Someone else think of something.
JERI: I say we go to McCosh 50. It would be like a University President to sit up on the second balcony laughing at us during exams and 8:30 classes.
MAXINE: I did always feel like someone was laughing at me during my physics final…
SCENE IV
Dark. McCosh 50. Jeri, Ally, Chelsea, Maxine enter, cautiously.
JERI: Nice display of lock-picking skills there, Chelsea.
CHELSEA: Never ceases to come in handy.
MAXINE: So, now what do we do?
ALLY: Well, you’re the one who said we should have a séance. (sits down in a medative pose) So let’s get to it.
MAXINE: I didn’t actually think-
CHELSEA: Come on, Maxine, what else are we going to do? We might as well. (sits, the others follow)
MAXINE: So, uh… does anyone know how to do these things?
ALLY: Why don’t we just try to talk to the guy?
CHELSEA: Um… okay. (shuts eyes) Dear President McCosh - I’m Chelsea, this is Jeri, Maxine, and Ally with me. We’re on the wait list - and well, we’d really like our room assignments, so if you could please appear - we’d be very grateful.
MAXINE: I really don’t think a séance is supposed to be like composing a letter.
JERI: Shh!
(painfully long pause)
MAXINE: This clearly isn’t going to work.
ALLY: Well, what do you suggest we do?
MAXINE: I don’t know, but look at us! We just broke into McCosh 50 so we could hold a séance for God’s sake! And for what? So we can find the “spirit of the University”? What the Hell does that mean? Look I don’t care about room assignments enough for this. We’re guaranteed housing: what happens, happens. (gets up) I’ll see you guys later, I’m going to the Street, finding some actual spirits, and getting trashed.
(Ally gets up)
JERI: Where are you going?
ALLY: Well, we have to go with her.
JERI: Oh please, Ally, you’d take any excuse to get drunk. I really doubt the Spirit of James McCosh resides at 79 Prospect Avenue.
CHELSEA: No, she’s right, Jeri, we shouldn’t split up. What if we find McCosh without Maxine? That might mean-that might mean we’d get split up all over campus next year!
JERI: So what? She’s the one who doesn’t care anymore. I say screw her. More floor space for me.
ALLY: No, we’re in this together, Jeri, and we’re going to finish it together. (drags JERI with her) Come on, Chelsea, let’s go.
SCENE V
The Street. Maxine, talking to a guy, as Jeri, Ally, and Chelsea enter.
CHELSEA: There she is! Who’s she talking to?
ALLY: That’s weird, it looks like Stuart Tarleton. (shouts) Hey, Maxine! (Maxine looks over, says something to Stuart, comes over, and after a pause Stuart stumbles offstage)
MAXINE: Guys! I think I figured it out!
CHELSEA: What?
MAXINE: The spirit of-
JERI: (sneering) I thought you didn’t care; I thought you’d given up. (Maxine opens and closes her mouth, hurt. Ally glares at Jeri)
ALLY: So what’d you find out?
MAXINE: (hesitant, still looking at Jeri) Well, Stuart Tarleton, he-(turns) Hey! Where’d he go?
CHELSEA: I think he was headed towards Terrace.
MAXINE: Shit! Let’s go! (turns)
JERI: I’m not going into Terrace unless I have a damn good reason, and Stuart Tarleton is hardly any reason. Last time I went in there I couldn’t get the pot smell out of my hair for 3 days, so you’d better explain to me what -
MAXINE: Remember one night freshman year, he got really messed up and got in a fight with Cade Calvert?
ALLY: Yeah, sure. We had to take Cade to PMC-
MAXINE: And remember Stuart told us if we told anyone he was the one who did it he’d get us all kicked out?
JERI: He was clearly bullshitting us.
MAXINE: He wasn’t. He just told me he’s James McCosh’s great-great-great-grandson.
CHELSEA: (gasps) You mean the spirit of James McCosh is -
ALLY: Stuart Tarleton? That little fucker?
JERI: We’ve got to find him! (they run)
SCENE VI
Terrace. Smoky upstairs room. Stuart and three other people sitting around, smoking as Jeri, Chelsea, Ally, and Maxine enter.
MAXINE: Thank God, he’s here! (louder) Stuart! Hey! (they go over to him) You know my roommates.
STUART: (vaguely) Hey, uh…. Yeah. (reaches towards his pocket)You want some weed or something?
CHELSEA: What? No. We - you’re James McCosh’s great-great-great-grandson?
STUART: Hmm? Oh… yeah, yeah I am.
JERI: Well, we’re looking for - we’re supposed to find James-
STUART: James? Oh, James. (nudges the guy beside him) James, these girls are looking for you.
ALLY: Well, actually -
JAMES: Hey, girls! Stuart, get me a drink, will ya?
STUART: Mmhmm. (gets up, stumbles offstage)
CHELSEA: Wait, but this isn’t -
JAMES: So you’re looking for me? Come, (gestures at the couch) sit down!
ALLY: (to Maxine) I hardly think this sketchy grad student is the James we’re looking for.
JOHN: You must be Ally, Maxine, Jeri, and Chelsea! I’ve been waiting for you.
MAXINE: You know us?
JAMES: Sure! Bob from the Waiting List forwarded me your file.
JERI: You’re James McCosh?! The Spirit of Princeton? You? But - But you’re a pothead!
JOHN: Of course I’m a pothead! What self-respecting spirit wouldn’t be in this day and age?
ALLY: So you’re saying that the Spirit of Princeton is… weed? If anything, I’d have said it was Beast…
CHELSEA: No, this can’t be right! All night we’ve been traipsing around campus looking for the spirit of the university- for the meaning behind why we’re here-and I refuse to believe that the reason I’ve been paying $40,000 a year is for pot. I’m sorry, James, but I cannot accept that you are the Spirit of Princeton. (goes to leave)
JAMES: You want to know the meaning of Princeton? Well, here it is. Princeton is inherently elite and inherently worthless.
MAXINE: Worthless? Princeton? What are you talking about?
JAMES: You don’t believe me? Then how come Princeton is an anagram for “inept corn”?
JERI: That doesn’t mean anything.
JAMES: Oh yeah? Then how come Princeton University is an anagram for “note: I spurn cretin Ivy”?
JERI: Princeton University? Note: I spurn cretin Ivy? Oh my God, it’s true!
JAMES: And there you have it. Princeton University: Unnecessary Elitism since 1746.
MAXINE: So this is the message that we’ve been searching for? This knowledge that we’re wasting our time here - this will get us through our four years at Princeton?
JAMES: Well, I should think that it means you should have as much fun as you can get out of this place-it’s all that really lasts.
ALLY: That’s all well and good, but how does this help us get our room assignments?
JAMES: I’m not sure, but Bob said that all I had to do was wait for you, and he’d take care of the rest…
SCENE VII
Back at the waiting room. Bob at the desk. Jeri, Ally, Chelsea, Maxine enter.
BOB: Welcome back! How was your quest?
MAXINE: Did we pass? Do we get to enter the land of super-awesome-room-dom?
BOB: Well, I’m not sure yet. There’s still more paperwork to fill out, and we’re waiting on some deaths - uh, I mean dropouts-sorry, the Purgatory lingo is hard to get rid of, but if you just -
JERI: More? But I thought if we completed our quest, then-
BOB: No, no! (laughs) The quest is just something we give you to do to keep you from bothering us while you wait. To be completely honest, the entire process is entirely out of your hands.
ALLY: Wait, what do you mean? What do we do now?
BOB: Well, I suggest you have a seat, and just - wait.
(blackout)