Thirteen stories I've written (only not)
No changes in word count since yesterday, but: here are my responses for that give-me-a-title-and-I'll-tell-you-what-I-would've-made-of-it meme that went around LJ oh, several months ago.
Yes, I'm slow, shut up.
Oh, if you changed your username and I don't know who you are next time we talk? Just give me a hint, okay? I can hardly ever remember names in the first place. *coughs*
~~~
"And That's How You Flambé A Goat" for smuffster
Ah, yes, that one. I'm not all that happy with the title, actually, but sometimes it's kinda hard to find one that fits.
It's the story of How John And Rodney Get Stuck Offworld Together. Turns out John may be Mr. Military, but he doesn't know squat about surviving in the wilderness if said wilderness doesn't have any Taliban camps you can raid at night. Rodney, on the other hand, not only watched Cast Away about three dozen times, he's also been a devoted member of Scouts Canada (all right, so his mother made him go, but once he'd progressed from Beaver to Cub he'd had his first bunch of minions to terrorise, and that's an experience you don't forget). Wackiness ensues when a quarrel about the proper preparation of dinner leads to the ultimate macho pissing contest: just who, exactly, is the fittest for survival?
This story isn't one of my favourites. Although I do like the scene where John nakedly wrestles the giant alien Alligator, but maybe that's just me.
~~~
"I Am A Little Explosion" for smuffster
Very awkward first time sex. Because you know they wouldn't be perfect on their first try.
They'd never done this before.
This, fumbling open a tube of lubricant and squirting out too much on shaky fingers. They'd been straight for the first thirty-five years of their lives, or at least the part of them that counted. They both didn't exactly know what they were doing.
It should have been scary. In a way, it was.
For Rodney, what they'd done so far would have been enough. He liked handjobs, and blowjobs (even giving them, although it had been somewhat disturbing at first to have another man's penis in his mouth), and rubbing himself against John until they both got off. But John had insisted, in that pouty little way he had, that it wasn't a relationship without sex, and it wasn't sex without... you know.
At which point Rodney had rolled his eyes and asked him how he expected to do it if he couldn't even say it, and John had decided that, well, Rodney should do it then.
So now here he was, about to stick his slick-dripping fingers into John's ass, and they were both so nervous they hadn't gotten past being half-hard at best.
This was a bad plan.
But John wanted it, and for once Rodney wanted to be the generous one who could put his personal issues aside and just take care of his partner's needs, so he squirted a little more lubricant onto his fingers, just to be on the safe side, rested the tip of his index finger against John's, well, hole, and then he pushed, and-
"Ow!"
-and then he pulled away so fast he almost catapulted himself off the bed, wiping his fingers on the sheets and saying, "I'm sorry, I didn't- did I hurt you, are you bleeding, should I call... wait a second," reaching for his radio on the bedside table, only to have John grab his wrist and hold on.
"If you call Beckett to tell him you broke my ass, I'll have to kill you," John told him earnestly, then sighed. "Just... give me a moment to adjust, okay?"
smuffster asked for this one ages ago. And I'm working on it. Every now and then. *coughs*
~~~
"McKay Unplugged" for morebliss
Heh. The infamous truth-drug!fic, where Rodney can't stop saying exactly what's on his mind. "That's what he always does: he blurts out the truth and then there's sexin' - booring," you say? Not quite.
"Also? You're an asshole."
John blinked. "Excuse me?"
"Oh, please, don't give me that look. You say I'm part of your team whenever you want something from me, but you wouldn't be seen sitting at the same table as me in the mess hall. You constantly manipulate me into doing impossible things faster than humanly possible, and you gave Colonel Mitchell a lemon to threaten me with, a feat which might well have killed me, because you thought it was funny. You, Colonel, are an asshole."
"Come on, McKay, we're friends. We're kidding each other; it's what friends do."
"We both know that isn't true, so stop insulting my intelligence." McKay petulantly crossed his arms. "Also? I like Ronon way better than you."
I have an unholy love for this fic. *sniggers* Although it does end with sexin' of the McKay/Sheppard variety.
~~~
"Roses in Winter" for nightfreyja
Ohhh, this one is shamelessly cheesy. It's an AU set in a university clinic where Rodney's mother gets treated for chronic heart arrhythmia or something like that. John lives in that clinic, too, waiting for a heart. He and Rodney meet, banter, get to know each other, and eventually fall in love. Then Rodney's mother dies, comfort sex happens, and all seems well except for John's heart condition. Only there is a misunderstanding, something about John cheating on Rodney with the pretty Anglo-Indian Dr. Chaya Sar who treats him, which leads to a bitter argument over trust issues and the subsequent break-up and generally lots of angsting. Eventually Rodney realises the whole thing was a setup by the good doctor, who indeed wanted John for herself, but John (of course) stayed faithful to Rodney. So Rodney goes back to the clinic to apologise, only the nurse he finds tells him that John died that morning. All readers cry.
Basically, it starts as a slow love story, takes a wrong turn over some misunderstanding, and ends in tears. It's cliché from the first word to the last, and I might actually write that some day.
~~~
Five times Emmett used 'Do you want to see my giant snake?' as a pick up line' for smuffster
Obviously a Thoughtcrimes/Boa vs. Python crossover. Short version: The first time was unwittingly, shortly after Betty (actually kind of the family pet, for his mother the psychotherapist had thought it'd help them all with the trauma of losing his sister) had grown to be a little larger than him. Her name was Moonglow, and they were supposed to write a paper on the development of ophiology as a field of science together - she jumped his bones as soon as the door closed behind them. She never even saw Betty.
The second time was on purpose. His name was Jonathon ("With an o, not an a."), and he was the pizza boy. Or the blowjob boy - it depended on how much of a tip you gave him, really. He didn't take well to a snake that was twice as big as him, and he never delivered a single pizza to the Emmett household again, but that was okay. His blowjobs hadn't been all that good anyway.
The third time was to the slender, rainbow-coloured woman in the wall after Emmett had tested the first version of his universal antivenom on himself, but he was reasonably sure he'd hallucinated that one.
The fourth time was shortly after his break-up with Monica. Her name was Ginny and she was easily the silliest girl he'd ever met, but she was petite and blonde and had big blue eyes and he was drunk and possibly a little lonely. She took one look at Betty and fainted into his arms. Emmett was pathetically grateful for even this little physical contact, which was just as well, because it was all he got that night.
The fifth time was actually the last. His name was Brendan and he had a search warrant and Emmett had only meant that line sarcastically. But Brendan wanted, and he even said, "Cool," which, as a reaction, was pretty much unique. As was Brendan. Emmett ended up following him all the way to New York to help him find a political assassin who left snake scales with the victim as a signature, and then Brendan ended up following Emmett all the way back to Longreen to "see some more of his giant snake."
Brendan stayed for fifty-three years.
The long version is much better, of course. *g*
~~~
"Perhaps Australia, Next Time" for jrho
I guess you could call that one an AU-series of sorts. It has five snippets of John and Rodney meeting some way or other during journeys, their paths crossing ever so briefly before they drift apart again. It's kind of a bittersweet thing, and I'm not sure if the kind-of-recognising-each-other thing really works.
For a moment, their eyes met, and the coachman shot him a crooked grin that seemed peculiarly familiar. John nodded briefly and picked up his bag, hoping none of the precious glass segments had been broken during their wild escape from the highwaymen. One couldn’t be an optician without glass.
The street was unpaved and dirty as John made his way to the decaying shack with the sloping sign that said, "HOtEL". At the corner, out of an odd compulsion, he turned around to look back. The stagecoach had already disappeared into the night.
Another one I might actually write one day.
~~~
"Irritation and Imperturbability. " for villainy
The epitome of insanity: my Thoughtcrimes/Boa vs. Python crossover Regency AU. Of sorts.
It's about the relationship between Mr. Dean, a wealthy agent of Her Majesty's special forces who has no illusions left about life, and Emmett, a young man who rather studies the physiology of snakes then look for a proper young lady, as his father would have him do. They meet at a ball, where Emmett's shy brother Emil hopefully courts Freya, Mr. Dean's perky half-sister. Irritated by the imperturbable Mr. Dean's air, Emmett is determined to dislike him - and is shocked to the core when Mr. Dean asks for his hand in marriage…
I'd like to see a BBC adaptation of that one. *coughs*
~~~
"Rodney McKay and the rubber chicken" for thady
In which Rodney accidentally becomes a ninja, Ronon hunts a whale, Teyla gets steamrollered by the homosexual agenda, John hates his job, Elizabeth will do anything for a vodka, Radek finds True Love, and Atlantis is compared to a rubber chicken.
It's practically literature.
~~~
"The Day Chuck the Gate Tech Ruled Atlantis" for hrroyalgeekness
Chuck had been preparing for this day for months. Get people used to his being in the control room at all times? Check. Lean innocently over McKay's shoulder during various crises and memorise his command codes? Check. Request several items on the Daedalus and assemble his scientifically-improbable-yet-working-because-superior-and-completely-unstoppable-mind-control-wave-generating-device?
Totally check.
It kind of goes downhill from there, but I hear four and a half people found it funny. Chuck's plan is crushed, of course, with the help of Ancient aluminium foil helmets.
~~~
"But Never The Days" for xandutch
I wrote this because several people asked for a sequel to But Never the Nights. Basically, this story is sixteen chapters of hot, sweaty, and progressively kinky, sex.
John loved Rodney's ass, pale and fleshy and round, two nice handfuls. It was impossible not to touch, lick, and nibble, to bite down and suck until he'd left a mark. Rodney always squirmed when John did that, like he wasn't used to someone wanting to worship his body, and it always made John feel strangely tender towards him.
Speaking of squirming, though, he loved the breathy, hitching little moans Rodney made when John moved inside him, and the way his fingers kept twisting the blanket even when John had ordered him to lie still.
I'm no good at porn, though, so it took me forever to post. I'm a bad person.
~~~
"McKay, M.D." for xandutch
That's the one where Rodney McKay is this sarcastic genius astrophysicist medical doctor who works in Dr. Elizabeth Weir's Atlantis Hospital - grudgingly, because the only thing worse than a patient is a sick patient - with a team of young and spunky doctors who admire him as much as they hate him. He only works on the complicated cases and totally digs the cute cardiologist John Sheppard, but will rather spork out his own eyeballs than admit his feelings.
It's never lupus, btw.
~~~
"Honey to the Bee", again for xandutch
Rodney might be a little obsessed with Major Sheppard's lips.
For a man, Sheppard had insanely soft lips.
Not that Rodney would have the slightest clue what they would feel like against his mouth, against his thumb, but they looked really, really, improbably soft. Lush. Every now and then, when Sheppard was nervous or bored or thinking, the soft pink tip of his tongue would flick out and lick, and then those lips would be moist and glistening and if Rodney was really unlucky there would be the slightest hint of perfectly straight white teeth, and that was usually the point where Rodney either broke something or made a horribly embarrassing mistake. Like not even recognising the simple magic square from the Mensa test - the one he'd solved in third grade.
So far, only his gaze had been drawn to Sheppard's lips, but Rodney truly feared the day when his self-control broke down. When he was tired and aching and tired and a little lost. Like now.
Needless to say, the attraction's totally mutual. *g*
~~~
"Rodney McKay, American Idol Winner" for luxluthor
No, I'm pretty sure I didn't write that one. I would remember that, wouldn't I?
"So, McKay, how was your vacation?"
Rodney spluttered, and after Sheppard helpfully almost broke his back with the damn thumping, managed, "Vacation? Don't you mean exile?" Three months of forced downtime simply because Elizabeth thought Rodney was close to a breakdown weren't exactly what he called a holiday.
"Whatever." Sheppard flopped down on the seat next to him and watched him expectantly. "So, what did you do? Fool around with a lot of physics groupies?" He smirked.
As a matter of fact, Rodney had no idea how he'd ended up on a TV show in the first place. Or why the American public would vote a rude Canadian - who could hold a tune but barely - for their next coming superstar. Even if he had played a mean piano, if he dare say so himself.
"I, uh, won an award," he mumbled, concentrating on his fried bacon.
"Really?" Sheppard leaned forward, eyes sparkling with curiosity. "A big one?"
Rodney was still trying to find a way to answer that question without actually answering it when Cadman bumbled by, cheerfully whistling the American Idol theme song.
Life was cruel.
I'm sorry, I know that's not much, but I have a deep and irrational hatred for that kind of show. I hope you're not too disappointed.
Now I want to go write a fic where John's not only amnesiac but his mind also regresses to that of an, oh, say, ten year-old who keeps following Rodney around and demanding bubble baths, and Rodney feels like the worst kind of person ever for getting hard at the sight of all that naked, wet, soapy skin because, hello, paedophile! I'm a sick, sick person. *headdesk*
Yes, I'm slow, shut up.
Oh, if you changed your username and I don't know who you are next time we talk? Just give me a hint, okay? I can hardly ever remember names in the first place. *coughs*
~~~
"And That's How You Flambé A Goat" for smuffster
Ah, yes, that one. I'm not all that happy with the title, actually, but sometimes it's kinda hard to find one that fits.
It's the story of How John And Rodney Get Stuck Offworld Together. Turns out John may be Mr. Military, but he doesn't know squat about surviving in the wilderness if said wilderness doesn't have any Taliban camps you can raid at night. Rodney, on the other hand, not only watched Cast Away about three dozen times, he's also been a devoted member of Scouts Canada (all right, so his mother made him go, but once he'd progressed from Beaver to Cub he'd had his first bunch of minions to terrorise, and that's an experience you don't forget). Wackiness ensues when a quarrel about the proper preparation of dinner leads to the ultimate macho pissing contest: just who, exactly, is the fittest for survival?
This story isn't one of my favourites. Although I do like the scene where John nakedly wrestles the giant alien Alligator, but maybe that's just me.
~~~
"I Am A Little Explosion" for smuffster
Very awkward first time sex. Because you know they wouldn't be perfect on their first try.
They'd never done this before.
This, fumbling open a tube of lubricant and squirting out too much on shaky fingers. They'd been straight for the first thirty-five years of their lives, or at least the part of them that counted. They both didn't exactly know what they were doing.
It should have been scary. In a way, it was.
For Rodney, what they'd done so far would have been enough. He liked handjobs, and blowjobs (even giving them, although it had been somewhat disturbing at first to have another man's penis in his mouth), and rubbing himself against John until they both got off. But John had insisted, in that pouty little way he had, that it wasn't a relationship without sex, and it wasn't sex without... you know.
At which point Rodney had rolled his eyes and asked him how he expected to do it if he couldn't even say it, and John had decided that, well, Rodney should do it then.
So now here he was, about to stick his slick-dripping fingers into John's ass, and they were both so nervous they hadn't gotten past being half-hard at best.
This was a bad plan.
But John wanted it, and for once Rodney wanted to be the generous one who could put his personal issues aside and just take care of his partner's needs, so he squirted a little more lubricant onto his fingers, just to be on the safe side, rested the tip of his index finger against John's, well, hole, and then he pushed, and-
"Ow!"
-and then he pulled away so fast he almost catapulted himself off the bed, wiping his fingers on the sheets and saying, "I'm sorry, I didn't- did I hurt you, are you bleeding, should I call... wait a second," reaching for his radio on the bedside table, only to have John grab his wrist and hold on.
"If you call Beckett to tell him you broke my ass, I'll have to kill you," John told him earnestly, then sighed. "Just... give me a moment to adjust, okay?"
smuffster asked for this one ages ago. And I'm working on it. Every now and then. *coughs*
~~~
"McKay Unplugged" for morebliss
Heh. The infamous truth-drug!fic, where Rodney can't stop saying exactly what's on his mind. "That's what he always does: he blurts out the truth and then there's sexin' - booring," you say? Not quite.
"Also? You're an asshole."
John blinked. "Excuse me?"
"Oh, please, don't give me that look. You say I'm part of your team whenever you want something from me, but you wouldn't be seen sitting at the same table as me in the mess hall. You constantly manipulate me into doing impossible things faster than humanly possible, and you gave Colonel Mitchell a lemon to threaten me with, a feat which might well have killed me, because you thought it was funny. You, Colonel, are an asshole."
"Come on, McKay, we're friends. We're kidding each other; it's what friends do."
"We both know that isn't true, so stop insulting my intelligence." McKay petulantly crossed his arms. "Also? I like Ronon way better than you."
I have an unholy love for this fic. *sniggers* Although it does end with sexin' of the McKay/Sheppard variety.
~~~
"Roses in Winter" for nightfreyja
Ohhh, this one is shamelessly cheesy. It's an AU set in a university clinic where Rodney's mother gets treated for chronic heart arrhythmia or something like that. John lives in that clinic, too, waiting for a heart. He and Rodney meet, banter, get to know each other, and eventually fall in love. Then Rodney's mother dies, comfort sex happens, and all seems well except for John's heart condition. Only there is a misunderstanding, something about John cheating on Rodney with the pretty Anglo-Indian Dr. Chaya Sar who treats him, which leads to a bitter argument over trust issues and the subsequent break-up and generally lots of angsting. Eventually Rodney realises the whole thing was a setup by the good doctor, who indeed wanted John for herself, but John (of course) stayed faithful to Rodney. So Rodney goes back to the clinic to apologise, only the nurse he finds tells him that John died that morning. All readers cry.
Basically, it starts as a slow love story, takes a wrong turn over some misunderstanding, and ends in tears. It's cliché from the first word to the last, and I might actually write that some day.
~~~
Five times Emmett used 'Do you want to see my giant snake?' as a pick up line' for smuffster
Obviously a Thoughtcrimes/Boa vs. Python crossover. Short version: The first time was unwittingly, shortly after Betty (actually kind of the family pet, for his mother the psychotherapist had thought it'd help them all with the trauma of losing his sister) had grown to be a little larger than him. Her name was Moonglow, and they were supposed to write a paper on the development of ophiology as a field of science together - she jumped his bones as soon as the door closed behind them. She never even saw Betty.
The second time was on purpose. His name was Jonathon ("With an o, not an a."), and he was the pizza boy. Or the blowjob boy - it depended on how much of a tip you gave him, really. He didn't take well to a snake that was twice as big as him, and he never delivered a single pizza to the Emmett household again, but that was okay. His blowjobs hadn't been all that good anyway.
The third time was to the slender, rainbow-coloured woman in the wall after Emmett had tested the first version of his universal antivenom on himself, but he was reasonably sure he'd hallucinated that one.
The fourth time was shortly after his break-up with Monica. Her name was Ginny and she was easily the silliest girl he'd ever met, but she was petite and blonde and had big blue eyes and he was drunk and possibly a little lonely. She took one look at Betty and fainted into his arms. Emmett was pathetically grateful for even this little physical contact, which was just as well, because it was all he got that night.
The fifth time was actually the last. His name was Brendan and he had a search warrant and Emmett had only meant that line sarcastically. But Brendan wanted, and he even said, "Cool," which, as a reaction, was pretty much unique. As was Brendan. Emmett ended up following him all the way to New York to help him find a political assassin who left snake scales with the victim as a signature, and then Brendan ended up following Emmett all the way back to Longreen to "see some more of his giant snake."
Brendan stayed for fifty-three years.
The long version is much better, of course. *g*
~~~
"Perhaps Australia, Next Time" for jrho
I guess you could call that one an AU-series of sorts. It has five snippets of John and Rodney meeting some way or other during journeys, their paths crossing ever so briefly before they drift apart again. It's kind of a bittersweet thing, and I'm not sure if the kind-of-recognising-each-other thing really works.
For a moment, their eyes met, and the coachman shot him a crooked grin that seemed peculiarly familiar. John nodded briefly and picked up his bag, hoping none of the precious glass segments had been broken during their wild escape from the highwaymen. One couldn’t be an optician without glass.
The street was unpaved and dirty as John made his way to the decaying shack with the sloping sign that said, "HOtEL". At the corner, out of an odd compulsion, he turned around to look back. The stagecoach had already disappeared into the night.
Another one I might actually write one day.
~~~
"Irritation and Imperturbability. " for villainy
The epitome of insanity: my Thoughtcrimes/Boa vs. Python crossover Regency AU. Of sorts.
It's about the relationship between Mr. Dean, a wealthy agent of Her Majesty's special forces who has no illusions left about life, and Emmett, a young man who rather studies the physiology of snakes then look for a proper young lady, as his father would have him do. They meet at a ball, where Emmett's shy brother Emil hopefully courts Freya, Mr. Dean's perky half-sister. Irritated by the imperturbable Mr. Dean's air, Emmett is determined to dislike him - and is shocked to the core when Mr. Dean asks for his hand in marriage…
I'd like to see a BBC adaptation of that one. *coughs*
~~~
"Rodney McKay and the rubber chicken" for thady
In which Rodney accidentally becomes a ninja, Ronon hunts a whale, Teyla gets steamrollered by the homosexual agenda, John hates his job, Elizabeth will do anything for a vodka, Radek finds True Love, and Atlantis is compared to a rubber chicken.
It's practically literature.
~~~
"The Day Chuck the Gate Tech Ruled Atlantis" for hrroyalgeekness
Chuck had been preparing for this day for months. Get people used to his being in the control room at all times? Check. Lean innocently over McKay's shoulder during various crises and memorise his command codes? Check. Request several items on the Daedalus and assemble his scientifically-improbable-yet-working-because-superior-and-completely-unstoppable-mind-control-wave-generating-device?
Totally check.
It kind of goes downhill from there, but I hear four and a half people found it funny. Chuck's plan is crushed, of course, with the help of Ancient aluminium foil helmets.
~~~
"But Never The Days" for xandutch
I wrote this because several people asked for a sequel to But Never the Nights. Basically, this story is sixteen chapters of hot, sweaty, and progressively kinky, sex.
John loved Rodney's ass, pale and fleshy and round, two nice handfuls. It was impossible not to touch, lick, and nibble, to bite down and suck until he'd left a mark. Rodney always squirmed when John did that, like he wasn't used to someone wanting to worship his body, and it always made John feel strangely tender towards him.
Speaking of squirming, though, he loved the breathy, hitching little moans Rodney made when John moved inside him, and the way his fingers kept twisting the blanket even when John had ordered him to lie still.
I'm no good at porn, though, so it took me forever to post. I'm a bad person.
~~~
"McKay, M.D." for xandutch
That's the one where Rodney McKay is this sarcastic genius astrophysicist medical doctor who works in Dr. Elizabeth Weir's Atlantis Hospital - grudgingly, because the only thing worse than a patient is a sick patient - with a team of young and spunky doctors who admire him as much as they hate him. He only works on the complicated cases and totally digs the cute cardiologist John Sheppard, but will rather spork out his own eyeballs than admit his feelings.
It's never lupus, btw.
~~~
"Honey to the Bee", again for xandutch
Rodney might be a little obsessed with Major Sheppard's lips.
For a man, Sheppard had insanely soft lips.
Not that Rodney would have the slightest clue what they would feel like against his mouth, against his thumb, but they looked really, really, improbably soft. Lush. Every now and then, when Sheppard was nervous or bored or thinking, the soft pink tip of his tongue would flick out and lick, and then those lips would be moist and glistening and if Rodney was really unlucky there would be the slightest hint of perfectly straight white teeth, and that was usually the point where Rodney either broke something or made a horribly embarrassing mistake. Like not even recognising the simple magic square from the Mensa test - the one he'd solved in third grade.
So far, only his gaze had been drawn to Sheppard's lips, but Rodney truly feared the day when his self-control broke down. When he was tired and aching and tired and a little lost. Like now.
Needless to say, the attraction's totally mutual. *g*
~~~
"Rodney McKay, American Idol Winner" for luxluthor
No, I'm pretty sure I didn't write that one. I would remember that, wouldn't I?
"So, McKay, how was your vacation?"
Rodney spluttered, and after Sheppard helpfully almost broke his back with the damn thumping, managed, "Vacation? Don't you mean exile?" Three months of forced downtime simply because Elizabeth thought Rodney was close to a breakdown weren't exactly what he called a holiday.
"Whatever." Sheppard flopped down on the seat next to him and watched him expectantly. "So, what did you do? Fool around with a lot of physics groupies?" He smirked.
As a matter of fact, Rodney had no idea how he'd ended up on a TV show in the first place. Or why the American public would vote a rude Canadian - who could hold a tune but barely - for their next coming superstar. Even if he had played a mean piano, if he dare say so himself.
"I, uh, won an award," he mumbled, concentrating on his fried bacon.
"Really?" Sheppard leaned forward, eyes sparkling with curiosity. "A big one?"
Rodney was still trying to find a way to answer that question without actually answering it when Cadman bumbled by, cheerfully whistling the American Idol theme song.
Life was cruel.
I'm sorry, I know that's not much, but I have a deep and irrational hatred for that kind of show. I hope you're not too disappointed.
Now I want to go write a fic where John's not only amnesiac but his mind also regresses to that of an, oh, say, ten year-old who keeps following Rodney around and demanding bubble baths, and Rodney feels like the worst kind of person ever for getting hard at the sight of all that naked, wet, soapy skin because, hello, paedophile! I'm a sick, sick person. *headdesk*