I may be a mysogynist, but at least I'm laughing about it?
Title: The Exceedingly Sad And Very Touching Story of How Dr. Elizabeth Weir Died Saving Atlantis
Author: lavvyan
Genre: Slash
Pairing: McShep
Rating: NC-17ish
Warnings: Crack. Complete and utter crack. In case you're wondering: I don't drink. Neither am I on medication.
Notes: This is set in (an obviously fictional) season one. No contact with Earth. Also, I'd like to add that I'm crazy, insane, and completely nuts. *groans* And sethoz made me do it. Kind of.
That said, if you find you like this story, why not check out the comic?
The Exceedingly Sad And Very Touching Story of How Dr. Elizabeth Weir Died Saving Atlantis
"My negotiations with the Enari are incredibly delicate and as you all know, vital to the survival of Atlantis. So here's what I need you to do," Elizabeth said, and died.
They remained seated at the briefing room table, stared at her, and waited.
She stayed dead.
"Uh. Carson?" John finally asked when her unblinking eyes started to grate on his nerves.
The Scottish M.D. - dressed in a blue, long-sleeved shirt because it was laundry day - kneeled beside Elizabeth's chair and felt for her pulse. With wide eyes, he looked up.
"She's dead, John."
"Well. That makes me the boss now." Rodney beamed.
John turned to Carson.
"Is it too late to start CPR?"
~~~
They buried her on the main land, arguing that Elizabeth had been too steadfast a character to want a cremation. The Athosians held a beautiful ceremony, to be attended only by Elizabeth's closest friends. Since she had none, the Atlantis expedition's department heads went as well. Halling talked at great length about the Circle of Life And Death, and everybody nodded sagely.
Afterwards, they had an orgy.
The next morning found John and Rodney tangled up in a heap of blankets, furs, some of the large leaves the Athosians used for toilet paper sticking to places that shall remain unnamed, and six obviously used condoms.
"You sure wasted no time to start sleeping with your boss," Rodney spat.
"What the hell are you talking about? I waited until Elizabeth was dead!" John shot back.
Rodney crooned, touched by John's unexpected romantic streak, and they fucked a little more.
~~~
Elizabeth's memorial was held in the jumper bay, since the gate room floor had just been waxed and nobody wanted to risk the wrath of twenty marines who were highly skilled in the use of their toothbrushes. Every expedition member attended in a last show of respect.
"I loved her deeply, and I will always regret that I have not told her so," Radek said.
"She was a leader showing both wisdom and integrity. We shall miss her greatly," Teyla said.
"It was an honour and a privilege to work with her," John said.
"No, seriously. One of you morons tried to use the long range sensors to tap into the porn channel, and I want to know who," Rodney said, and stared into the dry-eyed faces.
~~~
Elizabeth had negotiated with the Enari for one hundred and twenty crates grain, fruit and various vegetables to get Atlantis over the next two months, in exchange for clothes, tools, a twelve-man repair team for their seventeen broken sewage works, and a puddle jumper. After those two months, the Moonooninskasians would have brought in their crops and be open for a little friendlier trading, but right now, the Enari were desperately needed.
John changed that transaction. Atlantis would receive three hundred crates of grain and vegetables (but none of the fruit, as it turned out to be citrus), seven almost-cows for the Athosians to take care of, fifty bottles of strong golden wine, and the two ZPMs that powered the Enari's planet-wide 3-D holo-bingo system. In return, the Enari High Council would take pleasure in the continued experience of not having a Wraith stunner shoved up various intimate body parts.
All in all, everybody agreed it was a fair deal.
~~~
"I wonder what killed her," Rodney mused late one night, lying sated and spent beside his panting lover.
"Her who?" John asked breathlessly.
"Elizabeth."
"Huh." They thought about it for a while. Then they shrugged.
"Who cares?"
They snuggled up against each other - in a manly way - and fell asleep. Far above them, the Ancient Maari Soo smiled, and floated away.
Her duty was done.
~~~
End.
Author: lavvyan
Genre: Slash
Pairing: McShep
Rating: NC-17ish
Warnings: Crack. Complete and utter crack. In case you're wondering: I don't drink. Neither am I on medication.
Notes: This is set in (an obviously fictional) season one. No contact with Earth. Also, I'd like to add that I'm crazy, insane, and completely nuts. *groans* And sethoz made me do it. Kind of.
That said, if you find you like this story, why not check out the comic?
The Exceedingly Sad And Very Touching Story of How Dr. Elizabeth Weir Died Saving Atlantis
"My negotiations with the Enari are incredibly delicate and as you all know, vital to the survival of Atlantis. So here's what I need you to do," Elizabeth said, and died.
They remained seated at the briefing room table, stared at her, and waited.
She stayed dead.
"Uh. Carson?" John finally asked when her unblinking eyes started to grate on his nerves.
The Scottish M.D. - dressed in a blue, long-sleeved shirt because it was laundry day - kneeled beside Elizabeth's chair and felt for her pulse. With wide eyes, he looked up.
"She's dead, John."
"Well. That makes me the boss now." Rodney beamed.
John turned to Carson.
"Is it too late to start CPR?"
~~~
They buried her on the main land, arguing that Elizabeth had been too steadfast a character to want a cremation. The Athosians held a beautiful ceremony, to be attended only by Elizabeth's closest friends. Since she had none, the Atlantis expedition's department heads went as well. Halling talked at great length about the Circle of Life And Death, and everybody nodded sagely.
Afterwards, they had an orgy.
The next morning found John and Rodney tangled up in a heap of blankets, furs, some of the large leaves the Athosians used for toilet paper sticking to places that shall remain unnamed, and six obviously used condoms.
"You sure wasted no time to start sleeping with your boss," Rodney spat.
"What the hell are you talking about? I waited until Elizabeth was dead!" John shot back.
Rodney crooned, touched by John's unexpected romantic streak, and they fucked a little more.
~~~
Elizabeth's memorial was held in the jumper bay, since the gate room floor had just been waxed and nobody wanted to risk the wrath of twenty marines who were highly skilled in the use of their toothbrushes. Every expedition member attended in a last show of respect.
"I loved her deeply, and I will always regret that I have not told her so," Radek said.
"She was a leader showing both wisdom and integrity. We shall miss her greatly," Teyla said.
"It was an honour and a privilege to work with her," John said.
"No, seriously. One of you morons tried to use the long range sensors to tap into the porn channel, and I want to know who," Rodney said, and stared into the dry-eyed faces.
~~~
Elizabeth had negotiated with the Enari for one hundred and twenty crates grain, fruit and various vegetables to get Atlantis over the next two months, in exchange for clothes, tools, a twelve-man repair team for their seventeen broken sewage works, and a puddle jumper. After those two months, the Moonooninskasians would have brought in their crops and be open for a little friendlier trading, but right now, the Enari were desperately needed.
John changed that transaction. Atlantis would receive three hundred crates of grain and vegetables (but none of the fruit, as it turned out to be citrus), seven almost-cows for the Athosians to take care of, fifty bottles of strong golden wine, and the two ZPMs that powered the Enari's planet-wide 3-D holo-bingo system. In return, the Enari High Council would take pleasure in the continued experience of not having a Wraith stunner shoved up various intimate body parts.
All in all, everybody agreed it was a fair deal.
~~~
"I wonder what killed her," Rodney mused late one night, lying sated and spent beside his panting lover.
"Her who?" John asked breathlessly.
"Elizabeth."
"Huh." They thought about it for a while. Then they shrugged.
"Who cares?"
They snuggled up against each other - in a manly way - and fell asleep. Far above them, the Ancient Maari Soo smiled, and floated away.
Her duty was done.
~~~
End.