Late night whining...I suppose...
Late at night, I seem to think much more than I used to. I try to over-analyze things that should be left alone. I read posts about other people and their achievements and begin the melancholy decent into dissecting my value in my own endeavors at Faire.
I worry about not being good enough as a performer. I want to do my best, but always feel as if I come up short. I see Joe blowing up the lanes as a first year performer with SAPA and realize I just can't keep up...and never could. I shouldn't compare myself to him because we are so different, but I do. People I have known for 3 years now and have never had more than a few words to say to me at a time will go out of their way to have entire conversations with him. Yes, part of me feels slighted. I am glad he's excepted, but I feel like I'm back in high school and am overlooked all over again. I know (realistically) that is a stupid attitude to have and it really has no bearing on whether or not I am important in the real world, but damnit...everyone wants to be "popular" in social circles and those people that say they don't are liars. Big, fat, stupid liars.
The Contessa was so much fun to play - giant and complex back story, indepth character, motivated - but in the lanes, she's really just a pretty dress and huge sleeves. People don't really care about who she is, they just want pictures taken with the dress. Anyone could wear it and pretend the same things. There are days I just want to shout, "No! I'm not the friggin Queen! The Queen is ENGLISH - so I sound English to you? I'm ITALIAN!"
Which brings me to the clothing...I worked my ass off on a new gown for this season because my old stuff was too small. (Yes, I've gained weight. Yes, I sit home and sew all day. Yes, I'm not working out. It IS my fault. Doesn't mean I like it.) I worked hard on a beautiful gown - I hate it. I am overlooked in the lanes when I wear it. It's perfectly Italian. It's a replica of a picture in a historical costuming book. People ignore me when I wear it. The old fuchia colored gown I wear makes people want to talk to me. I just don't get it.
I had really hoped that my chess match fights would be some of the best this season. They might have been during weeks 1 and 2, but I feel like they've slipped. I keep trying to make sure that they're on target, but having the fight staff give "notes" to me 3 weeks in a row is hard to hear. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. It's not like I'm blowing off being serious about it - hell, I gave up court dance for this! If I'd have stuck to that, I might have been able to help with the dance classes by now. I worked hard last year too, but that didn't get me anywhere either. WTF?
It may be time to retire this Italian chick and try something new - I've got an idea for a village character bouncing around in my head. The village bread conner, Eliza Culpepper. "Flower" to her friends. She's kind of a scientific geek wannabe that isn't necessarily understanding of science. She's more "experiment oriented" than anything else. Distilled grain alcohol in bread + a fireplace = BOOM!
Of course that's all contingent on whether or not I'm asked back next season. I'm probably just borrowing trouble.
I'm probably just tired. *sigh* Or the ookie weather is making me sad. Either way, some sleep should help cure this.