[musesandlyrics] 6.6
(It attacked me. Sam is pianoman_jr and mine to use as I see fit. Cora and Ava as mentioned are penthouselawyer and twothreekckturn respectively. Both used with love. Cross-posted here.))
"I envy people who drink -- at least they know what to blame everything on." ~Oscar Levant
Larry was finally getting around to shelving his law books, which required some semblance of order. The living room was still strewn with boxes. Around him, in front of the bookshelves, were books piled on the floor. The apartment was dark aside from the lamp nearby.
He had been back in New York for a couple months, and was mostly settled in, but not completely. He had been spending a lot of his time at Cora's, and back and forth between Portsmouth as he still settled things at the bar.
The only reason he was finally setting up his books was that Cora hadn't been able to see him that night, which he was okay with. It wasn't as though he wasn't seeing plenty of her. He smiled. He was seeing plenty of her, and it was good. Great. It was easy and happy and he was happy.
Thinking about her made him pick up his phone and text her. It was a bit dirty, but he knew it would make her smile, and that's all he wanted to accomplish with it. It didn't matter to him if he didn't see her later, if she was busy, because he knew he'd see her either the next night or the night after that. He felt secure with what they had. Finally.
There was a loud knock at the door. He frowned. There weren't many people that would be coming to his door, especially at that hour. He looked at his watch as he got to his feet. It was almost midnight. He pulled the door open and was surprised to look into his son's drunk, bloodshot eyes.
Larry ran his fingers over his eyes and sighed. “Sammy.”
“I'm not Sammy,” Sam slurred, slumping against the frame of the door. “I'm Sam.”
“And you're drunk. Why are you drunk?”
“What's wrong with you?” Sam asked in an accusing tone.
“What's wrong with me?” Larry raised his brows. “What's wrong with you?” He grabbed Sam by the arm and yanked him inside, then pushed the door shut. “You're drunk. You're nineteen and drunk.”
Sam leaned back against the door and watched his father blankly. “What defunct emotional problem did you pass on to me?”
“I'm sorry?”
“Why'd you leave Mom?”
Larry rubbed his forehead. His calm mood was fading completely. “Let's go sit down.”
Sam slid down the door and sat on the floor. He looked up at Larry. “Why'd you leave Mom? And Ally? Why'd we leave New York? Was it because of Cora? Is she why you're back?”
“I thought we'd talked about these things before,” Larry sighed.
“No!” Sam slammed back against the door. “You told me whatever sugar coated bullshit you had to to shut me up! I'm not a kid anymore!”
“I know,” Larry nodded. He started to crouch down, but his knees were getting too old for that, so he sat instead. His phone beeped and he picked it up to look at it, if nothing else than to delay the conversation a bit. He wanted to smile at Cora's reply, but he really couldn't. He texted back quickly. Sam here. Drunk. Text you later.
“Stop that!”
Larry looked up at Sam. “Lower your voice, and calm down. I'm putting it away now.” He turned off the phone and tossed it aside. “Sammy-...Sam,” he corrected himself. “What's going on?”
“You. You're what's wrong.”
“Did something happen with Ava?”
“No. She's great. She's...perfect.”
“Then what is it?”
“Why did you leave Mom?”
Larry sighed again and looked down. He folded his hands together and cleared his throat. “Because she wanted me to leave.”
“Whatever.”
“She did, Sam. We were fighting all the time, she was starting to hate me, and she told me she wanted to split up.”
“She said you left. You said you left.”
“I did,” he said softly, nodding. “I gave up and left before we could really try to sort it out. She...said she wanted to break up...it might have been in anger...and I made it happen. So yes, I left, but it was what we both wanted.”
“You didn't even want to try,” Sam snapped.
“You don't know, Sam. You were three. You....don't know.”
“So tell me! Tell me why you were too emotionally crippled to try to stay! You didn't even try for me!”
“Leaving you was the hardest thing I have ever done, and the thing I regret more than anything else.”
“Boo-fucking-hoo,” Sam said blandly.
“Hey!” Larry snapped and looked up. “Do you even remember what those fights were like?! You think you'd have had a better childhood having to hear that constantly? Hearing me and your mom say we hate each other? Seeing her throw things at me?”
“Why did you fight?”
“I don't know. Because we loved each other too much, because we didn't get along....because we felt trapped in....trying to make some perfect life for you when we both knew we couldn't. I don't know, Sam.”
“I made you feel trapped.”
“No. The idea of not messing it up made me feel trapped.”
“And you ran away. You didn't just move out, you moved out of the state.”
“I did,” Larry nodded. “I ran. I can admit that. I'm not perfect.”
“And I want to know why.”
“There's a lot to that answer. I've been trying to figure it out for a long time.”
Sam rubbed his eyes. “Then you got married.”
“Yeah. I did.”
“And you left her.”
“I didn't love her the right way.”
“Then Ally. You said you couldn't come home because of her, but then you left her too. So obviously it's you. You're screwed up and....and I inherited it. And I want to know why.”
“I was screwed up. For a long time. And the one thing that made me start to change was becoming your parent full time. When your mom...when it was you and me, I couldn't go anywhere. No matter how scared I got or how much I thought I was going to screw you up, I couldn't run. You held me there. And when your grandparents tried to take you, I fought for you. I had to.”
“Good job. You acted like a father,” he replied bitterly.
“You can act like a drunk ass and get away with it only this once,” Larry warned. “I think we did pretty good in New York. It wasn't easy, but we did good.”
“When you weren't being a complete tool about Cora,” he said. “What was wrong there? You were so good at running and leaving people....you didn't leave her. And she made you miserable. I saw that all the time.”
“That was complicated.”
“No, it just means you're more screwed up than I thought.”
“Yeah, Sam. I was screwed up for a long time. I messed up my relationships, I ran away from the women I loved, I never thought I was good enough to be your father....I was a big fuck up. But you know where I finally found myself happy? With you. I know New York wasn't perfect, and I know I wasn't always happy in Portsmouth, but when we moved there and started our lives there I was happy. I'm sorry that it took so long, and I'm sorry it took pulling you from Detroit and New York to find that, but...” He shook his head. “What do you want from me? I messed up with the women in my life, I messed up with you, but I'd like to think we're better now.”
“Why? Because she took you back? That's why you're here, isn't it? Not because you missed me so much, but for her.”
“She's a part of it. You're a part of it. I also missed arguing the law, and I needed to be somewhere more beneficial to that need. I wanted to move back here for a lot of reasons.”
“Right. For now. Until she dumps you.”
“Sam...”
“Well it's true, right? She's going to end up making you miserable and then you'll leave. Why should I get used to having my dad nearby? It won't last.”
“Stop,” Larry snapped. “I realize you're inebriated and upset, but you have no idea what you're talking about and you definitely don't know enough to judge her.”
“Yeah I do. I know I don't trust her. I know she's a bitch.”
“Sam!”
“What?”
Larry set his face in his hands and rubbed his eyes. He had to count to ten before looking up again. “I was messed up, and so was she. I'm sorry that you had to witness how it made me, but don't hold it against her. She and I have both had our time to find what we needed. If you...give her a chance-”
“I don't want to.”
He shook his head. “You used to think she was pretty great.”
“I was a kid and stupid.”
“Why are we talking about her?”
“Because!” Sam got to his feet, unstable. Larry stood up as well. “All I know is...the relationships you've had. How am I supposed to learn from that?! How am I supposed to know what's real?”
“That's something you have to figure out on your own, Sam. I can't give you all the answers.”
Sam's face crumbled slightly and he stepped away from the door several feet, before turning back to his father. “Why not?”
Larry took a step forward. “Because you won't know what's true until you figure it out yourself.” Sam looked down and wiped his face, but didn't speak. Larry moved forward again, and again when Sam didn't step back. He reached out and touched his shoulder. “What's wrong, son?”
“I'm a joke.” Sam looked up.
“A joke?
“She doesn't see it yet.”
“This is about Ava.”
“She's gorgeous and...perfect, and sweet, and....perfect. And I'm just...” Sam shook his head and ran his fingers through his hair.
“Just nothing,” Larry cut in. “You're pretty great yourself, you know. She loves you.”
Sam ran a hand over his face and turned away, moving over to the couch to sit down. Larry followed. “I'm just....a big dweeb,” Sam said quietly. His eyes were to the floor. “I'm not anything special. She's got her music and her acting and her friends and....I'm just tagging along. She can do better.”
“Now you really do sound like me,” Larry sighed, sitting beside Sam. “Maybe she doesn't see it that way.”
“Then she's stupid.” Sam moved down the couch away from his father.
“Don't beat yourself up. She wants to be with you, anyone can tell that much.”
“Because she hasn't met the better guy that's out there. The one that's all...handsome and charming and...smooth and...on her level.”
“So you're saying you're beneath her?”
“Aren't I?”
“No. No, you're not.”
“I'm just a big, fat joke,” Sam said again. “Last laugh's going to be on me when she meets that perfect guy and I'm still standing around like some....idiot puppy.”
“Sam...”
“Why did you leave?” He was repeating himself again, but he needed a specific answer that he wasn't getting.
Larry rubbed his chin an sat quietly for awhile, before speaking up quietly. “Because I felt like I wasn't enough.”
“Then you know how it feels.” Sam looked over at Larry. He wasn't sure that it was the answer he wanted, but he was tired of going around in circles.
“Yes, I know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry you're hurting.” He reached out and set his hand to the back of Sam's neck. It was a motion that had always brought his son comfort when he was younger. Sam met Larry's eyes. “What can I do?” Larry asked.
Sam watched him, his chin shook a bit before he gritted his teeth. Tears were pooled up in his eyes, but he was holding it back. Larry just held his gaze. He hated it. He wanted to blame himself. Sam was right in a way, this was his fault.
Sam brushed his arm across his eyes, trying to dry them as he still kept it in. “I miss Mom,” he whispered. He looked away.
“I know you do.”
“I want her. I want my Mom.”
Larry rubbed Sam's back. His heart was pretty broken at that point. “Let's get the car. We'll drive up to Canada, go by the graveyard. You can talk to her.”
“No I can't!” Sam jumped to his feet and pushed his father away. “I can't talk to her, Dad! She's dead! I can't talk to a fucking stone in the dirt! That isn't her!” Sam had known all the truths about death since he was young. He had been nearly obsessed with knowing where his mom had gone. “It's just the earth, covering up a box, with decomposing flesh and bones. It's not Mom, and I can never talk to her again because she's dead.”
“That doesn't mean you can't talk to her if you need to.”
“That's exactly what it means.”
Larry stood up. “You...should lay down. You're more upset than you realize because of the alcohol. You'll feel better in the morning.”
Sam shrugged. “No, I'll just keep it to myself in the morning. That's what you and I do, right?” He went for the door and Larry quickly went after him.
“Wait, just stay here. Let me keep an eye on you.”
“I'm not a kid. I don't need you to keep an eye on me.” Sam walked out the door and slammed it shut behind himself.
Larry shoved his feet into his shoes and grabbed his keys, then went after his son. He got down the elevator and out to the sidewalk in time to see Sam walking around the corner. He wanted to keep going after him, but he knew he wouldn't catch him at that rate. Not only that, but he knew Sam wouldn't listen to anything else he tried to say. Sam was grown up and needed his space. Larry hated it, but had to respect it. He sighed and ran both hands through his hair and down the back of his neck. He was still pretty clueless about the parenting thing. He took a moment to close his eyes and breathe, then turned around and went back upstairs. He could only hope Sam would be okay, and come to him when he was ready.
2511
"I envy people who drink -- at least they know what to blame everything on." ~Oscar Levant
Larry was finally getting around to shelving his law books, which required some semblance of order. The living room was still strewn with boxes. Around him, in front of the bookshelves, were books piled on the floor. The apartment was dark aside from the lamp nearby.
He had been back in New York for a couple months, and was mostly settled in, but not completely. He had been spending a lot of his time at Cora's, and back and forth between Portsmouth as he still settled things at the bar.
The only reason he was finally setting up his books was that Cora hadn't been able to see him that night, which he was okay with. It wasn't as though he wasn't seeing plenty of her. He smiled. He was seeing plenty of her, and it was good. Great. It was easy and happy and he was happy.
Thinking about her made him pick up his phone and text her. It was a bit dirty, but he knew it would make her smile, and that's all he wanted to accomplish with it. It didn't matter to him if he didn't see her later, if she was busy, because he knew he'd see her either the next night or the night after that. He felt secure with what they had. Finally.
There was a loud knock at the door. He frowned. There weren't many people that would be coming to his door, especially at that hour. He looked at his watch as he got to his feet. It was almost midnight. He pulled the door open and was surprised to look into his son's drunk, bloodshot eyes.
Larry ran his fingers over his eyes and sighed. “Sammy.”
“I'm not Sammy,” Sam slurred, slumping against the frame of the door. “I'm Sam.”
“And you're drunk. Why are you drunk?”
“What's wrong with you?” Sam asked in an accusing tone.
“What's wrong with me?” Larry raised his brows. “What's wrong with you?” He grabbed Sam by the arm and yanked him inside, then pushed the door shut. “You're drunk. You're nineteen and drunk.”
Sam leaned back against the door and watched his father blankly. “What defunct emotional problem did you pass on to me?”
“I'm sorry?”
“Why'd you leave Mom?”
Larry rubbed his forehead. His calm mood was fading completely. “Let's go sit down.”
Sam slid down the door and sat on the floor. He looked up at Larry. “Why'd you leave Mom? And Ally? Why'd we leave New York? Was it because of Cora? Is she why you're back?”
“I thought we'd talked about these things before,” Larry sighed.
“No!” Sam slammed back against the door. “You told me whatever sugar coated bullshit you had to to shut me up! I'm not a kid anymore!”
“I know,” Larry nodded. He started to crouch down, but his knees were getting too old for that, so he sat instead. His phone beeped and he picked it up to look at it, if nothing else than to delay the conversation a bit. He wanted to smile at Cora's reply, but he really couldn't. He texted back quickly. Sam here. Drunk. Text you later.
“Stop that!”
Larry looked up at Sam. “Lower your voice, and calm down. I'm putting it away now.” He turned off the phone and tossed it aside. “Sammy-...Sam,” he corrected himself. “What's going on?”
“You. You're what's wrong.”
“Did something happen with Ava?”
“No. She's great. She's...perfect.”
“Then what is it?”
“Why did you leave Mom?”
Larry sighed again and looked down. He folded his hands together and cleared his throat. “Because she wanted me to leave.”
“Whatever.”
“She did, Sam. We were fighting all the time, she was starting to hate me, and she told me she wanted to split up.”
“She said you left. You said you left.”
“I did,” he said softly, nodding. “I gave up and left before we could really try to sort it out. She...said she wanted to break up...it might have been in anger...and I made it happen. So yes, I left, but it was what we both wanted.”
“You didn't even want to try,” Sam snapped.
“You don't know, Sam. You were three. You....don't know.”
“So tell me! Tell me why you were too emotionally crippled to try to stay! You didn't even try for me!”
“Leaving you was the hardest thing I have ever done, and the thing I regret more than anything else.”
“Boo-fucking-hoo,” Sam said blandly.
“Hey!” Larry snapped and looked up. “Do you even remember what those fights were like?! You think you'd have had a better childhood having to hear that constantly? Hearing me and your mom say we hate each other? Seeing her throw things at me?”
“Why did you fight?”
“I don't know. Because we loved each other too much, because we didn't get along....because we felt trapped in....trying to make some perfect life for you when we both knew we couldn't. I don't know, Sam.”
“I made you feel trapped.”
“No. The idea of not messing it up made me feel trapped.”
“And you ran away. You didn't just move out, you moved out of the state.”
“I did,” Larry nodded. “I ran. I can admit that. I'm not perfect.”
“And I want to know why.”
“There's a lot to that answer. I've been trying to figure it out for a long time.”
Sam rubbed his eyes. “Then you got married.”
“Yeah. I did.”
“And you left her.”
“I didn't love her the right way.”
“Then Ally. You said you couldn't come home because of her, but then you left her too. So obviously it's you. You're screwed up and....and I inherited it. And I want to know why.”
“I was screwed up. For a long time. And the one thing that made me start to change was becoming your parent full time. When your mom...when it was you and me, I couldn't go anywhere. No matter how scared I got or how much I thought I was going to screw you up, I couldn't run. You held me there. And when your grandparents tried to take you, I fought for you. I had to.”
“Good job. You acted like a father,” he replied bitterly.
“You can act like a drunk ass and get away with it only this once,” Larry warned. “I think we did pretty good in New York. It wasn't easy, but we did good.”
“When you weren't being a complete tool about Cora,” he said. “What was wrong there? You were so good at running and leaving people....you didn't leave her. And she made you miserable. I saw that all the time.”
“That was complicated.”
“No, it just means you're more screwed up than I thought.”
“Yeah, Sam. I was screwed up for a long time. I messed up my relationships, I ran away from the women I loved, I never thought I was good enough to be your father....I was a big fuck up. But you know where I finally found myself happy? With you. I know New York wasn't perfect, and I know I wasn't always happy in Portsmouth, but when we moved there and started our lives there I was happy. I'm sorry that it took so long, and I'm sorry it took pulling you from Detroit and New York to find that, but...” He shook his head. “What do you want from me? I messed up with the women in my life, I messed up with you, but I'd like to think we're better now.”
“Why? Because she took you back? That's why you're here, isn't it? Not because you missed me so much, but for her.”
“She's a part of it. You're a part of it. I also missed arguing the law, and I needed to be somewhere more beneficial to that need. I wanted to move back here for a lot of reasons.”
“Right. For now. Until she dumps you.”
“Sam...”
“Well it's true, right? She's going to end up making you miserable and then you'll leave. Why should I get used to having my dad nearby? It won't last.”
“Stop,” Larry snapped. “I realize you're inebriated and upset, but you have no idea what you're talking about and you definitely don't know enough to judge her.”
“Yeah I do. I know I don't trust her. I know she's a bitch.”
“Sam!”
“What?”
Larry set his face in his hands and rubbed his eyes. He had to count to ten before looking up again. “I was messed up, and so was she. I'm sorry that you had to witness how it made me, but don't hold it against her. She and I have both had our time to find what we needed. If you...give her a chance-”
“I don't want to.”
He shook his head. “You used to think she was pretty great.”
“I was a kid and stupid.”
“Why are we talking about her?”
“Because!” Sam got to his feet, unstable. Larry stood up as well. “All I know is...the relationships you've had. How am I supposed to learn from that?! How am I supposed to know what's real?”
“That's something you have to figure out on your own, Sam. I can't give you all the answers.”
Sam's face crumbled slightly and he stepped away from the door several feet, before turning back to his father. “Why not?”
Larry took a step forward. “Because you won't know what's true until you figure it out yourself.” Sam looked down and wiped his face, but didn't speak. Larry moved forward again, and again when Sam didn't step back. He reached out and touched his shoulder. “What's wrong, son?”
“I'm a joke.” Sam looked up.
“A joke?
“She doesn't see it yet.”
“This is about Ava.”
“She's gorgeous and...perfect, and sweet, and....perfect. And I'm just...” Sam shook his head and ran his fingers through his hair.
“Just nothing,” Larry cut in. “You're pretty great yourself, you know. She loves you.”
Sam ran a hand over his face and turned away, moving over to the couch to sit down. Larry followed. “I'm just....a big dweeb,” Sam said quietly. His eyes were to the floor. “I'm not anything special. She's got her music and her acting and her friends and....I'm just tagging along. She can do better.”
“Now you really do sound like me,” Larry sighed, sitting beside Sam. “Maybe she doesn't see it that way.”
“Then she's stupid.” Sam moved down the couch away from his father.
“Don't beat yourself up. She wants to be with you, anyone can tell that much.”
“Because she hasn't met the better guy that's out there. The one that's all...handsome and charming and...smooth and...on her level.”
“So you're saying you're beneath her?”
“Aren't I?”
“No. No, you're not.”
“I'm just a big, fat joke,” Sam said again. “Last laugh's going to be on me when she meets that perfect guy and I'm still standing around like some....idiot puppy.”
“Sam...”
“Why did you leave?” He was repeating himself again, but he needed a specific answer that he wasn't getting.
Larry rubbed his chin an sat quietly for awhile, before speaking up quietly. “Because I felt like I wasn't enough.”
“Then you know how it feels.” Sam looked over at Larry. He wasn't sure that it was the answer he wanted, but he was tired of going around in circles.
“Yes, I know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry you're hurting.” He reached out and set his hand to the back of Sam's neck. It was a motion that had always brought his son comfort when he was younger. Sam met Larry's eyes. “What can I do?” Larry asked.
Sam watched him, his chin shook a bit before he gritted his teeth. Tears were pooled up in his eyes, but he was holding it back. Larry just held his gaze. He hated it. He wanted to blame himself. Sam was right in a way, this was his fault.
Sam brushed his arm across his eyes, trying to dry them as he still kept it in. “I miss Mom,” he whispered. He looked away.
“I know you do.”
“I want her. I want my Mom.”
Larry rubbed Sam's back. His heart was pretty broken at that point. “Let's get the car. We'll drive up to Canada, go by the graveyard. You can talk to her.”
“No I can't!” Sam jumped to his feet and pushed his father away. “I can't talk to her, Dad! She's dead! I can't talk to a fucking stone in the dirt! That isn't her!” Sam had known all the truths about death since he was young. He had been nearly obsessed with knowing where his mom had gone. “It's just the earth, covering up a box, with decomposing flesh and bones. It's not Mom, and I can never talk to her again because she's dead.”
“That doesn't mean you can't talk to her if you need to.”
“That's exactly what it means.”
Larry stood up. “You...should lay down. You're more upset than you realize because of the alcohol. You'll feel better in the morning.”
Sam shrugged. “No, I'll just keep it to myself in the morning. That's what you and I do, right?” He went for the door and Larry quickly went after him.
“Wait, just stay here. Let me keep an eye on you.”
“I'm not a kid. I don't need you to keep an eye on me.” Sam walked out the door and slammed it shut behind himself.
Larry shoved his feet into his shoes and grabbed his keys, then went after his son. He got down the elevator and out to the sidewalk in time to see Sam walking around the corner. He wanted to keep going after him, but he knew he wouldn't catch him at that rate. Not only that, but he knew Sam wouldn't listen to anything else he tried to say. Sam was grown up and needed his space. Larry hated it, but had to respect it. He sighed and ran both hands through his hair and down the back of his neck. He was still pretty clueless about the parenting thing. He took a moment to close his eyes and breathe, then turned around and went back upstairs. He could only hope Sam would be okay, and come to him when he was ready.
2511