Living in Sin *ONESHOT*
Title: Living In Sin
Pairing: Hankyung/Siwon
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Angst
Words: 3050
Summary: Now there’s a million questions I could ask about our lives, but I only need one answer to get me through the night, and I said baby can you tell me, just where we fit in? I call it love, they call it living in sin...
Author’s Note: Porn and angst. Religious references, character death, and lots of Hankyung love.
Love classic Bon Jovi to death.
Comment please!
Living in Sin
I don't need no license
To sign on no line
And I don't need no preacher
To tell me you're mine
I don't need no diamonds
I don't need no new bride
I just need you baby
To look me in the eye.
It’s wrong. It’s all so wrong.
It goes against everything Siwon had been taught his entire life.
He could remember so vividly the day he walked through the park with his parents, and there was a couple sitting on a bench. It was a gay couple, two men holding hands and gently kissing each other lovingly, sharing small smiles and silent exchanges. It was no heavy make out session by any means. Just two young people showing their affection for each other with soft, gentle kisses. Certainly, no one would have paid them any attention had they been a man and a woman.
But Siwon’s parents turned their heads in disgust, quickly taking their young child’s hand and leading him away from the sight, muttering rude words that Siwon had not yet begun to understand.
“It’s blasphemy is what it is.” Siwon’s father had yelled when they got home. “And to do just wicked actions in a public park of all places!”
“I don’t understand,” young Siwon’s quiet voice portrayed all the innocence of the small child that he was.
“Men are not meant to be with men,” his mother explained in a much softer voice than her husband. “A man should be with a woman. It’s the way God intended. You don’t want to upset God do you?” she asked in a soothing voice.
Siwon most definitely did not want to upset God.
*
Siwon had never had a real relationship in his life. Oh sure, a few girlfriends here and there throughout high school, but nothing solid. He could never honestly say that he loved another person.
This is probably why he felt so confused when he met Hankyung. The quiet Chinese man brought strange emotions out of him. Siwon’s heart always jumped when he was around, plummeted whenever he left a room, and his head spun every time their skin would accidentally brush against one another.
Siwon couldn’t understand it. He couldn’t understand why his eyes would always follow the other man’s hip movements as he danced, entranced and spellbound by the graceful movements and long legs. Hankyung’s laugh was the most beautiful sound he had ever heard. And when he was having a conversation with someone else, Siwon would strain his ears just to catch a few words of the stumbled Korean that came from the man’s mouth.
When their eyes would lock, Siwon felt a jolt in his heart, and a faint blush would creep up on him. Hankyung always smiled sweetly and Siwon would feel his legs go weak.
One day, when Siwon caught Hankyung coming out of the shower with only a towel wrapped around his waist, he had a sudden urge to rip the towel off. Thoughts of wet skin and a warm, delicious body pressed up against his invaded his head.
Siwon had a sudden urge to go to confession.
*
When Siwon was sixteen, his best friend Kyujong told him that he was gay. Siwon was shocked. He went home and told his parents.
“You will never see that- that- that queer again! Do you understand me?” his father had exploded.
“But he’s my best friend,” Siwon said softly. The number of times he had invited him over to his house to play, it was countless. He thought his parents loved Kyujong.
“He’s a fag!” his father yelled. “I will not have my son associating with such- such trash!”
Siwon’s mother nodded in agreement. “He’s a sinner. Sinners go to hell. It’s no loss,” she smiled. “You’ll find other friends.”
*
It got harder and harder to contain himself around the Chinese man. One day, he lost control.
He had been staring at Hankyung’s lips as the other man rambled on about some new dance that he and Shindong had come up with earlier that day. Suddenly he reached up and pulled the other man towards him, pressing their lips together.
Hankyung let out a small yelp in surprise. How cute, Siwon thought.
Hankyung tasted sweet, like strawberries, lips soft and welcoming. Siwon gently slid his tongue past his lips, unsure yet curious for more. His hands were shaking the entire time; heart pounding so fast he was afraid it was going to give out on him.
He had never been more terrified. Would the other man push him away? Hate him? Call him a fag and other names that scared the hell out of him?
Siwon slowly opened his eyes. Hankyung looked stunned, but his eyes weren’t filled with hatred, they were filled with… lust?
*
It was a mistake, Siwon kept telling himself. They had all been working really hard promoting Super Junior’s second album. With interviews and photo shoots, singing lessons and dance practices, their schedule only gave them each a couple hours of sleep a night. Siwon had heard about it, temporary insanity due to sleep deprivation. That’s what he decided this was. It would pass. He was sure of it.
But it didn’t. Instead it got worse. And one night, he found himself in Hankyung’s room, pressing the other man into the mattress. Hands desperate to explore the dancer’s body. Teeth nibbling and biting as he feeds on the sounds coming from Hankyung’s mouth.
He carefully lifts up the smaller man’s shirt, eyes eagerly taking in the sight of smooth, tan skin, muscles gleaming in the dim light.
Siwon feels like he is intoxicated. His head spins and he wonders if this was really happening. He throws all thoughts away as he lowers his head to lick and suck at the skin above Hankyung’s belly button, slowly making his way up to his chest, taking a nipple into his mouth and teasing the other man. Hankyung’s chest was heaving up and down, shivering as the saliva left over on his skin dried in the cool air.
Siwon pauses and looks up at the other man. Hankyung slowly opens his eyes when he feels Siwon stop. They’re both scared, they understand. They’ve gone past the line, past friendship and onto something more. Something neither of them had any experience with.
“It’s… it’s my first time. You know, with a guy,” Hankyung’s husky voice causes a stirring in Siwon’s jeans.
“Mine too,” he whispered, leaving out the fact that this was his first time ever. No sex before marriage, he heard his mothers voice chide in his ear.
Siwon leans down to kiss him again. Every time their lips met it was like a shock of electricity was going through his system. It had never been this good before.
He slowly reached his hands down and began to undo the button to Hankyung’s jeans. His hands were shaking so hard it took him longer than it should have. Hankyung reached down to grip his hands, steadying him. Siwon looked up at him, the older man gave him a small smile.
Siwon took a deep breath and continued to undo the pants, slowly pulling them down, gazing upon another naked body besides his own for the first time.
At that moment, he felt he’d rather worship the body in front of him than any God that exist in the world.
He lowered himself again, placing soft kisses onto porcelain skin. Hankyung whimpered softly as Siwon took him into his mouth. The older man’s hands found their way to Siwon’s hair as he swirled his tongue around the hard flesh. Tasting him, tasting all of him.
Siwon lifted his head, looking up at the other man. His eyes were closed, mouth slightly open in pleasure. Siwon pulled himself up, sliding across the lithe body under him. He couldn’t help but think they fit so perfectly together, limbs wrapped around each other like a puzzle. Hankyung opened his eyes, filled with love and desire. He reached his hand up behind Siwon’s head, gently pulling him down for a kiss. Tongues caressed each other, beginning a gentle battle for dominance.
Siwon’s erection was throbbing painfully in his pants. Hankyungs nimble fingers helped him remove his shirt. When his pants were gone, he blushed embarrassedly that this was the first time someone was seeing him naked. Such intimacy he had never had with another person. Hankyung placed a soft kiss on his lips, and all worries flew out of his head.
Siwon spit into his hand and used it to coat his erection, feeling bad that they had nothing else to use. “This is going to hurt,” he murmured.
“I trust you,” Hankyung said softly.
Siwon placed himself at his entrance, slowly, slowly pushing himself in. As he felt himself be engulfed in heat, the body underneath him tensed. Hankyung couldn’t help but cry out in pain. Biting his lip, his eyes were squeezed shut.
Siwon stopped, his heart hurting that he was causing so much pain to the other man. He gently kissed his lips, then again, and another on his cheek, and another on his neck. He felt Hankyung slowly relax his muscles, the pain that showed on his face disappearing.
The warmth and pleasure surrounding his cock was almost painful. He had to move. Siwon continued pushing himself into the other man’s body. Hankyung moaned softly, his hands were gripping Siwon’s back, nails digging in and scratching, leaving red marks that were so deliciously painful.
Once he was completely inside the other man, he opened his eyes to gaze at his partner. Hankyung felt so good around him. Siwon had no idea it would be this good.
“You can keep going,” Hankyung whispered.
Siwon slowly moved inside him, beginning to thrust in and out. “Oh god,” he gasped. “You feel so good.”
Hankyung moaned in response.
Siwon pressed their lips together, gently biting his bottom lip, sliding his tongue into the other man’s mouth.
Hankyung gasped as he felt the familiar stirring in his gut. He whimpered softly as Siwon’s hand left his abdomen to wrap around his member, jerking him off to the movement of his hips.
Hankyung’s back arched as he came, orgasm ripping through his body. His arms gripped the other man, eyes closed as waves of pleasure passed through him.
Siwon felt the other man’s body clench around his own. He bit down on Hankyung’s shoulder to stifle his moan as he came inside him.
He collapsed on top of the other man, exhausted and drowning in his post-orgasmic bliss. After catching his breath, he lifted his head, seeing small teeth marks on Hankyung’s otherwise unmarred skin. He gently kissed it. Hankyung moaned softly, a smile on his face.
They laid there for hours. Hankyung had fallen asleep, Siwon’s arms firmly place around his shoulders. He gently traced patterns on the other man’s arm.
The feeling of peace was slowly being invaded by something else. Guilt? Shame? Regret?
Panic began setting in. He realized that he had just committed perhaps the greatest sin.
He roughly pulls his arm out from under the other man. After hastily throwing his cloths on, he looks back one last time. Hankyung has not woken. He quickly runs out of the room.
Now there's a million questions
I could ask about our lives
But I only need one answer
To get me through the night.
And I said baby, can you tell me just where we fit in
I call it love, they call it living in sin
Is it you and me or just this world we live in
We're living on love they say we're living in sin.
“I can’t do this. I’m sorry.” Siwon shook his head apologetically before running out of the house. It was storming out and Siwon didn’t grab a jacket but he didn’t care. He just had to get away from the other man.
Hankyung ran after him shouting, “Can’t do what?” They didn’t get more than a block away before Hankyung caught up with him, he grabbed at Siwon’s arm, pulling him around to face him. “You can’t be in a relationship with me?”
Siwon stared at the other man. The rain had drenched them in seconds. Water was running down his face, clumping his eyelashes together. He blinked repeatedly to clear his vision, telling himself that it was the rainwater and not his own tears that were invading his eyes.
“It’s wrong!” He said dejectedly, raising his voice to be heard over the thunder above them.
“It’s not wrong.” Hankyung took a step closer to him, reaching up both hands to touch Siwon’s face, brushing his wet hair out of his eyes. “We can’t help who we love.”
“This isn’t love,” Siwon said, shaking the other man off. His heart was constricting painfully in his chest, but he ignored it. “This is an abomination.”
Hankyung shook his head sadly at him. “It’s not a sin to love somebody,” he said softly.
“It is for us.” Siwon choked out. His throat seemed to have closed up, making it hard to breath and even harder to talk. “It’s not the way it’s supposed to be.”
“Siwon, I love you.”
“You’re sick.” It was at that moment, Siwon understood for the first time what heartbreak was.
It was all a blur, what happened next. Siwon saw the headlights before he heard the screeching of tires, but by then it was too late. In a flash, he felt his body being pushed out of the way, landing painfully on his shoulder on the cold, wet ground. He looked up just in time to see Hankyung get hit by a car speeding out of control, his body flying over the vehicle like a broken rag doll, head cracking the wind shield, before tumbling to a stop on the ground.
Siwon felt his breath constrict in his chest. He scrambled up to get to the other man, only vaguely aware of the driver jumping out of the car, freaking out and screaming about how the car lost control because of the pouring rain.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I couldn’t stop! Oh god, I’m so sorry!”
Siwon dropped to his knees next to Hankyung. The left side of his face was covered in blood, which was slowly seeping out of a wound on his temple. The rain was quickly washing it away. Siwon let out a soft cry as he realized that limbs were twisted in ways that they definitely should not have been.
He reached out his hands, wanting to touch him, yet not wishing to cause any further harm. He knew the other man most likely had horrific internal injuries.
“Hankyung?” he whispered.
His eyes were half open, depicting all of his pain in his broken body. Siwon leaned over Hankyung’s head to shield him from the pouring rain, brushed away his hair, and wiped away the blood on his cheek. He sobbed pitifully, tears mixing with the rainwater.
“I’m sorry,” he cried. “I’m so sorry.”
He saw Hankyung’s lips move slightly. “What?” He leaned closer to hear him.
“I love you,” Siwon could feel his weak breath against his ear.
“No! No! Don’t you dare say goodbye to me right now!” Siwon gripped his hand in his own. He brought it up to his lips, gently kissing the back of it. “Please don’t leave me.” He squeezed his eyes shut as he cried, wishing to God that when he opened them Hankyung wouldn’t be lying on the ground dying in front of him.
“I love you! I love you. I love you so much.” His voice cracked as he dropped his head.
Hankyung gave him the faintest trace of a smile. “I’ll be watching you,” he mouthed softly.
Siwon watched as the light slowly left Hankyung’s eyes. They stared blankly at him, lifeless and empty.
“No. No. No no no no no,” he muttered, shaking his head as if it was playing tricks on him. He threw his hands on the other man’s shoulders, pulling the limp body into his arms. He gently held Hankyung’s head with his hand, placing a kiss on his cold, unresponsive lips. He sobbed helplessly and placed his cheek to the other man’s, wishing desperately that he could take it all back.
Siwon only felt stillness coming from Hankyung’s chest. The body he cradled in his arms was limp and lifeless.
Above the roar of the storm, he could faintly hear an ambulance wailing in the distance.
Hankyung was pronounced dead upon arrival to the hospital.
*
Siwon always wondered what heaven was like. He imagined beautiful, pure, white clouds everywhere, shockingly bright light, and a peaceful aura. He wondered if Hankyung was happy there.
Siwon kept thinking about that couple he saw in the park with his parents so many years ago. He couldn’t remember their faces, couldn’t remember what they looked like, only that they were happy.
He wished he could be like them.
He regretted so much choosing his religion over the man he loved. The man who was now gone forever, so cruelly taken from him.
He hoped that Hankyung truly was in a better place. He still had so much life to live, so much to offer to the world. It was unfair that his life was cut so short.
Siwon closed his eyes and saw the man’s beautiful smiling face. He was going to live his life to the fullest. Live for himself as well as for the man who was no longer with him. As much as he loves his religion, he would never again let it control his life. Hankyung had shown him that there were better things to live for.
Every once in a while, Siwon would still cry at night, when the loneliness becomes too much for him to take.
Is it right to hold you
And kiss your lips goodnight
They say the promise is forever
If you sign it on the dotted line.
Baby, can you tell me just where we fit in
I call it love, they call it living in sin
Is it you and me or just this world we live in
We're living on love they say we're living in sin.
Pairing: Hankyung/Siwon
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Angst
Words: 3050
Summary: Now there’s a million questions I could ask about our lives, but I only need one answer to get me through the night, and I said baby can you tell me, just where we fit in? I call it love, they call it living in sin...
Author’s Note: Porn and angst. Religious references, character death, and lots of Hankyung love.
Love classic Bon Jovi to death.
Comment please!
Living in Sin
I don't need no license
To sign on no line
And I don't need no preacher
To tell me you're mine
I don't need no diamonds
I don't need no new bride
I just need you baby
To look me in the eye.
It’s wrong. It’s all so wrong.
It goes against everything Siwon had been taught his entire life.
He could remember so vividly the day he walked through the park with his parents, and there was a couple sitting on a bench. It was a gay couple, two men holding hands and gently kissing each other lovingly, sharing small smiles and silent exchanges. It was no heavy make out session by any means. Just two young people showing their affection for each other with soft, gentle kisses. Certainly, no one would have paid them any attention had they been a man and a woman.
But Siwon’s parents turned their heads in disgust, quickly taking their young child’s hand and leading him away from the sight, muttering rude words that Siwon had not yet begun to understand.
“It’s blasphemy is what it is.” Siwon’s father had yelled when they got home. “And to do just wicked actions in a public park of all places!”
“I don’t understand,” young Siwon’s quiet voice portrayed all the innocence of the small child that he was.
“Men are not meant to be with men,” his mother explained in a much softer voice than her husband. “A man should be with a woman. It’s the way God intended. You don’t want to upset God do you?” she asked in a soothing voice.
Siwon most definitely did not want to upset God.
*
Siwon had never had a real relationship in his life. Oh sure, a few girlfriends here and there throughout high school, but nothing solid. He could never honestly say that he loved another person.
This is probably why he felt so confused when he met Hankyung. The quiet Chinese man brought strange emotions out of him. Siwon’s heart always jumped when he was around, plummeted whenever he left a room, and his head spun every time their skin would accidentally brush against one another.
Siwon couldn’t understand it. He couldn’t understand why his eyes would always follow the other man’s hip movements as he danced, entranced and spellbound by the graceful movements and long legs. Hankyung’s laugh was the most beautiful sound he had ever heard. And when he was having a conversation with someone else, Siwon would strain his ears just to catch a few words of the stumbled Korean that came from the man’s mouth.
When their eyes would lock, Siwon felt a jolt in his heart, and a faint blush would creep up on him. Hankyung always smiled sweetly and Siwon would feel his legs go weak.
One day, when Siwon caught Hankyung coming out of the shower with only a towel wrapped around his waist, he had a sudden urge to rip the towel off. Thoughts of wet skin and a warm, delicious body pressed up against his invaded his head.
Siwon had a sudden urge to go to confession.
*
When Siwon was sixteen, his best friend Kyujong told him that he was gay. Siwon was shocked. He went home and told his parents.
“You will never see that- that- that queer again! Do you understand me?” his father had exploded.
“But he’s my best friend,” Siwon said softly. The number of times he had invited him over to his house to play, it was countless. He thought his parents loved Kyujong.
“He’s a fag!” his father yelled. “I will not have my son associating with such- such trash!”
Siwon’s mother nodded in agreement. “He’s a sinner. Sinners go to hell. It’s no loss,” she smiled. “You’ll find other friends.”
*
It got harder and harder to contain himself around the Chinese man. One day, he lost control.
He had been staring at Hankyung’s lips as the other man rambled on about some new dance that he and Shindong had come up with earlier that day. Suddenly he reached up and pulled the other man towards him, pressing their lips together.
Hankyung let out a small yelp in surprise. How cute, Siwon thought.
Hankyung tasted sweet, like strawberries, lips soft and welcoming. Siwon gently slid his tongue past his lips, unsure yet curious for more. His hands were shaking the entire time; heart pounding so fast he was afraid it was going to give out on him.
He had never been more terrified. Would the other man push him away? Hate him? Call him a fag and other names that scared the hell out of him?
Siwon slowly opened his eyes. Hankyung looked stunned, but his eyes weren’t filled with hatred, they were filled with… lust?
*
It was a mistake, Siwon kept telling himself. They had all been working really hard promoting Super Junior’s second album. With interviews and photo shoots, singing lessons and dance practices, their schedule only gave them each a couple hours of sleep a night. Siwon had heard about it, temporary insanity due to sleep deprivation. That’s what he decided this was. It would pass. He was sure of it.
But it didn’t. Instead it got worse. And one night, he found himself in Hankyung’s room, pressing the other man into the mattress. Hands desperate to explore the dancer’s body. Teeth nibbling and biting as he feeds on the sounds coming from Hankyung’s mouth.
He carefully lifts up the smaller man’s shirt, eyes eagerly taking in the sight of smooth, tan skin, muscles gleaming in the dim light.
Siwon feels like he is intoxicated. His head spins and he wonders if this was really happening. He throws all thoughts away as he lowers his head to lick and suck at the skin above Hankyung’s belly button, slowly making his way up to his chest, taking a nipple into his mouth and teasing the other man. Hankyung’s chest was heaving up and down, shivering as the saliva left over on his skin dried in the cool air.
Siwon pauses and looks up at the other man. Hankyung slowly opens his eyes when he feels Siwon stop. They’re both scared, they understand. They’ve gone past the line, past friendship and onto something more. Something neither of them had any experience with.
“It’s… it’s my first time. You know, with a guy,” Hankyung’s husky voice causes a stirring in Siwon’s jeans.
“Mine too,” he whispered, leaving out the fact that this was his first time ever. No sex before marriage, he heard his mothers voice chide in his ear.
Siwon leans down to kiss him again. Every time their lips met it was like a shock of electricity was going through his system. It had never been this good before.
He slowly reached his hands down and began to undo the button to Hankyung’s jeans. His hands were shaking so hard it took him longer than it should have. Hankyung reached down to grip his hands, steadying him. Siwon looked up at him, the older man gave him a small smile.
Siwon took a deep breath and continued to undo the pants, slowly pulling them down, gazing upon another naked body besides his own for the first time.
At that moment, he felt he’d rather worship the body in front of him than any God that exist in the world.
He lowered himself again, placing soft kisses onto porcelain skin. Hankyung whimpered softly as Siwon took him into his mouth. The older man’s hands found their way to Siwon’s hair as he swirled his tongue around the hard flesh. Tasting him, tasting all of him.
Siwon lifted his head, looking up at the other man. His eyes were closed, mouth slightly open in pleasure. Siwon pulled himself up, sliding across the lithe body under him. He couldn’t help but think they fit so perfectly together, limbs wrapped around each other like a puzzle. Hankyung opened his eyes, filled with love and desire. He reached his hand up behind Siwon’s head, gently pulling him down for a kiss. Tongues caressed each other, beginning a gentle battle for dominance.
Siwon’s erection was throbbing painfully in his pants. Hankyungs nimble fingers helped him remove his shirt. When his pants were gone, he blushed embarrassedly that this was the first time someone was seeing him naked. Such intimacy he had never had with another person. Hankyung placed a soft kiss on his lips, and all worries flew out of his head.
Siwon spit into his hand and used it to coat his erection, feeling bad that they had nothing else to use. “This is going to hurt,” he murmured.
“I trust you,” Hankyung said softly.
Siwon placed himself at his entrance, slowly, slowly pushing himself in. As he felt himself be engulfed in heat, the body underneath him tensed. Hankyung couldn’t help but cry out in pain. Biting his lip, his eyes were squeezed shut.
Siwon stopped, his heart hurting that he was causing so much pain to the other man. He gently kissed his lips, then again, and another on his cheek, and another on his neck. He felt Hankyung slowly relax his muscles, the pain that showed on his face disappearing.
The warmth and pleasure surrounding his cock was almost painful. He had to move. Siwon continued pushing himself into the other man’s body. Hankyung moaned softly, his hands were gripping Siwon’s back, nails digging in and scratching, leaving red marks that were so deliciously painful.
Once he was completely inside the other man, he opened his eyes to gaze at his partner. Hankyung felt so good around him. Siwon had no idea it would be this good.
“You can keep going,” Hankyung whispered.
Siwon slowly moved inside him, beginning to thrust in and out. “Oh god,” he gasped. “You feel so good.”
Hankyung moaned in response.
Siwon pressed their lips together, gently biting his bottom lip, sliding his tongue into the other man’s mouth.
Hankyung gasped as he felt the familiar stirring in his gut. He whimpered softly as Siwon’s hand left his abdomen to wrap around his member, jerking him off to the movement of his hips.
Hankyung’s back arched as he came, orgasm ripping through his body. His arms gripped the other man, eyes closed as waves of pleasure passed through him.
Siwon felt the other man’s body clench around his own. He bit down on Hankyung’s shoulder to stifle his moan as he came inside him.
He collapsed on top of the other man, exhausted and drowning in his post-orgasmic bliss. After catching his breath, he lifted his head, seeing small teeth marks on Hankyung’s otherwise unmarred skin. He gently kissed it. Hankyung moaned softly, a smile on his face.
They laid there for hours. Hankyung had fallen asleep, Siwon’s arms firmly place around his shoulders. He gently traced patterns on the other man’s arm.
The feeling of peace was slowly being invaded by something else. Guilt? Shame? Regret?
Panic began setting in. He realized that he had just committed perhaps the greatest sin.
He roughly pulls his arm out from under the other man. After hastily throwing his cloths on, he looks back one last time. Hankyung has not woken. He quickly runs out of the room.
Now there's a million questions
I could ask about our lives
But I only need one answer
To get me through the night.
And I said baby, can you tell me just where we fit in
I call it love, they call it living in sin
Is it you and me or just this world we live in
We're living on love they say we're living in sin.
“I can’t do this. I’m sorry.” Siwon shook his head apologetically before running out of the house. It was storming out and Siwon didn’t grab a jacket but he didn’t care. He just had to get away from the other man.
Hankyung ran after him shouting, “Can’t do what?” They didn’t get more than a block away before Hankyung caught up with him, he grabbed at Siwon’s arm, pulling him around to face him. “You can’t be in a relationship with me?”
Siwon stared at the other man. The rain had drenched them in seconds. Water was running down his face, clumping his eyelashes together. He blinked repeatedly to clear his vision, telling himself that it was the rainwater and not his own tears that were invading his eyes.
“It’s wrong!” He said dejectedly, raising his voice to be heard over the thunder above them.
“It’s not wrong.” Hankyung took a step closer to him, reaching up both hands to touch Siwon’s face, brushing his wet hair out of his eyes. “We can’t help who we love.”
“This isn’t love,” Siwon said, shaking the other man off. His heart was constricting painfully in his chest, but he ignored it. “This is an abomination.”
Hankyung shook his head sadly at him. “It’s not a sin to love somebody,” he said softly.
“It is for us.” Siwon choked out. His throat seemed to have closed up, making it hard to breath and even harder to talk. “It’s not the way it’s supposed to be.”
“Siwon, I love you.”
“You’re sick.” It was at that moment, Siwon understood for the first time what heartbreak was.
It was all a blur, what happened next. Siwon saw the headlights before he heard the screeching of tires, but by then it was too late. In a flash, he felt his body being pushed out of the way, landing painfully on his shoulder on the cold, wet ground. He looked up just in time to see Hankyung get hit by a car speeding out of control, his body flying over the vehicle like a broken rag doll, head cracking the wind shield, before tumbling to a stop on the ground.
Siwon felt his breath constrict in his chest. He scrambled up to get to the other man, only vaguely aware of the driver jumping out of the car, freaking out and screaming about how the car lost control because of the pouring rain.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I couldn’t stop! Oh god, I’m so sorry!”
Siwon dropped to his knees next to Hankyung. The left side of his face was covered in blood, which was slowly seeping out of a wound on his temple. The rain was quickly washing it away. Siwon let out a soft cry as he realized that limbs were twisted in ways that they definitely should not have been.
He reached out his hands, wanting to touch him, yet not wishing to cause any further harm. He knew the other man most likely had horrific internal injuries.
“Hankyung?” he whispered.
His eyes were half open, depicting all of his pain in his broken body. Siwon leaned over Hankyung’s head to shield him from the pouring rain, brushed away his hair, and wiped away the blood on his cheek. He sobbed pitifully, tears mixing with the rainwater.
“I’m sorry,” he cried. “I’m so sorry.”
He saw Hankyung’s lips move slightly. “What?” He leaned closer to hear him.
“I love you,” Siwon could feel his weak breath against his ear.
“No! No! Don’t you dare say goodbye to me right now!” Siwon gripped his hand in his own. He brought it up to his lips, gently kissing the back of it. “Please don’t leave me.” He squeezed his eyes shut as he cried, wishing to God that when he opened them Hankyung wouldn’t be lying on the ground dying in front of him.
“I love you! I love you. I love you so much.” His voice cracked as he dropped his head.
Hankyung gave him the faintest trace of a smile. “I’ll be watching you,” he mouthed softly.
Siwon watched as the light slowly left Hankyung’s eyes. They stared blankly at him, lifeless and empty.
“No. No. No no no no no,” he muttered, shaking his head as if it was playing tricks on him. He threw his hands on the other man’s shoulders, pulling the limp body into his arms. He gently held Hankyung’s head with his hand, placing a kiss on his cold, unresponsive lips. He sobbed helplessly and placed his cheek to the other man’s, wishing desperately that he could take it all back.
Siwon only felt stillness coming from Hankyung’s chest. The body he cradled in his arms was limp and lifeless.
Above the roar of the storm, he could faintly hear an ambulance wailing in the distance.
Hankyung was pronounced dead upon arrival to the hospital.
*
Siwon always wondered what heaven was like. He imagined beautiful, pure, white clouds everywhere, shockingly bright light, and a peaceful aura. He wondered if Hankyung was happy there.
Siwon kept thinking about that couple he saw in the park with his parents so many years ago. He couldn’t remember their faces, couldn’t remember what they looked like, only that they were happy.
He wished he could be like them.
He regretted so much choosing his religion over the man he loved. The man who was now gone forever, so cruelly taken from him.
He hoped that Hankyung truly was in a better place. He still had so much life to live, so much to offer to the world. It was unfair that his life was cut so short.
Siwon closed his eyes and saw the man’s beautiful smiling face. He was going to live his life to the fullest. Live for himself as well as for the man who was no longer with him. As much as he loves his religion, he would never again let it control his life. Hankyung had shown him that there were better things to live for.
Every once in a while, Siwon would still cry at night, when the loneliness becomes too much for him to take.
Is it right to hold you
And kiss your lips goodnight
They say the promise is forever
If you sign it on the dotted line.
Baby, can you tell me just where we fit in
I call it love, they call it living in sin
Is it you and me or just this world we live in
We're living on love they say we're living in sin.