17 days
I'll be 30 in 17 days. I am starting to freak out.
PS -- if you're my boyfriend, you might not want to read this. Just a warning. I don't want to freak you out or upset you.
This morning I was washing some dishes and it occured to me that if I want to have kids, I'm supposed to do it within the next 3-4 years. (Because of health risks, etc, for women over 35.) WTF I don't feel that old... but... I guess I am. I'm SO not at a point in my life right now where I could have a child even if I wanted to. And I suppose I do want to. I dunno, it's so confusing. I'm almost certain I wouldn't make a very good mother. Blah. Heavy thoughts for a Sunday.
So I was in the shower just a few minutes ago, singing. Quietly, because no one else needs to hear. And then I had to stop. Because... maybe this requires back story. But one night (2 months ago?) at a party at my place a bunch of people were over (all the guys that my boyfriend (and I) hang with) and we were all drinking. There were various levels of intoxication there, but the guys were pretty far gone. Anyway, there were conversations about various nothings, and singing came up. Roommate says how he sometimes sings really loud in filipino, boyfriend says he'd like to hear it, because he thinks that roommate would probably sing well. And then my boyfriend made a comment about how I'm "no good" at singing. How can I explain how that made me feel? Humiliated and hurt, mostly.
And now, where singing used to be one of my most favorite things to do, I catch myelf singing and feel like I should stop. Because I'm no good. *sigh*
My boyfriend and I had a long discussion about this the next morning. He certainly didn't intend anything mean by it. In fact, he didn't even remember it. So while I've forgiven him (if there was anything to forgive), I still can't forget. And it still hurts. And that's MY problem. I have to get over this somehow. I just don't know how.
PS -- if you're my boyfriend, you might not want to read this. Just a warning. I don't want to freak you out or upset you.
This morning I was washing some dishes and it occured to me that if I want to have kids, I'm supposed to do it within the next 3-4 years. (Because of health risks, etc, for women over 35.) WTF I don't feel that old... but... I guess I am. I'm SO not at a point in my life right now where I could have a child even if I wanted to. And I suppose I do want to. I dunno, it's so confusing. I'm almost certain I wouldn't make a very good mother. Blah. Heavy thoughts for a Sunday.
So I was in the shower just a few minutes ago, singing. Quietly, because no one else needs to hear. And then I had to stop. Because... maybe this requires back story. But one night (2 months ago?) at a party at my place a bunch of people were over (all the guys that my boyfriend (and I) hang with) and we were all drinking. There were various levels of intoxication there, but the guys were pretty far gone. Anyway, there were conversations about various nothings, and singing came up. Roommate says how he sometimes sings really loud in filipino, boyfriend says he'd like to hear it, because he thinks that roommate would probably sing well. And then my boyfriend made a comment about how I'm "no good" at singing. How can I explain how that made me feel? Humiliated and hurt, mostly.
And now, where singing used to be one of my most favorite things to do, I catch myelf singing and feel like I should stop. Because I'm no good. *sigh*
My boyfriend and I had a long discussion about this the next morning. He certainly didn't intend anything mean by it. In fact, he didn't even remember it. So while I've forgiven him (if there was anything to forgive), I still can't forget. And it still hurts. And that's MY problem. I have to get over this somehow. I just don't know how.